A Context of Becoming

The paradigm I imagined as I grew and navigated the worldWas that I was developing myself through school and life, family and societyTo become a fully formed adultWho would then navigate the worldTrying to reach that adult’s goalsWhile protecting myself from the hardships and challengesThat seemed like a constant onslaughtThere was a near constant feeling of defending myselfTrying to prove the value and values of the developed adult selfAnd strive for transcendenceIllness re-wrote my understandingSlowing downAccepting what was happening as lifeNot an assaultLearning that I wasn’t, even at this late age, a fully formed adultI am a developing human being shaped by lifeI don’t have to defend myselfIn fact, when I soften myselfAnd meet my life, circumstances and feelingsI become more relational, curiousI growThis was an enormous upgradeEspecially for my beleaguered psycheAnd it shifted my orientationTo one of becomingAND to recognize that my becomingIs a cocreative processI’m not the only one responsibleLife is living through me, as meMy responsibility isn’t defending who I amIt’s meeting life to become who I am becomingNot my idea of itBut what Life is inviting me toKnowing all my values that shape my actionsKnowing my North StarThis context of becomingLets me be soft about what I haven’t achievedKnowing I am in processIt helps me cultivate patience and curiosityOpenness and compassionIt keeps me from discounting what I have achieved, tooJust because my results may not meet a picture of what I thought I should beI can trust that I am becomingLife is not annoyed by me or punishing me for not being something elseThis new orientationInvited me out of the mental realm of who i think i should beAnd into curiosityAbout who I am nowWhat am I feelingWhat is my energy level?How do I honor my values in this circumstanceAnd how do I settle into the lived experience of this dayAnd so I breatheI feel all of itThankfully, through the breathThe feelings swell, then releaseAnd I can feel the wavesAnd the foundation between themEven as they tumble meBecause in this context of becomingI am willing to let life shape meAs I inhabit my centerI feel like the marbleAnd life is carving LilaNot from a picture of what I should beJust revealing who I am This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com