Falling Gently Podcast

In 1990, Buddhist practitioner Cynthia Jurs went to NepalThere, she was lucky enough to have an audience with a 106-year-old RinpocheShe asked him what she could do to help heal the earth and her peopleHe told her‘Just one person practicing deeply can have a dramatic impactBut you, dear oneYou need to bury clay pots in the earth’Excuse me?Not what I was expectingNot what she was expectingBut his hermitage gave her 30 small potsShe says it took her quite some time to wrap her head around the assignmentBut she’s been traveling the world planting these pots and more, 72 so farWith local communities, in ceremonyThrough her organization Alliance for the EarthIn learning about her workI also learned: she’s not the only oneMultiple traditional communities plant their prayersPutting minerals or seeds or talisman in a pot and burying or submerging itA ritual act of appreciation for the landRecognizing the earth as a main characterNot a setAn invitation to the unseen world for collaborative assistanceAnd acknowledgement of participatory enmeshmentI’ve heard it said that at the end of ancient battles, for exampleBoth leaders would plant their weapons on the battlefieldIn recognition of the land and what had just happened on itModernity eliminated that kind of honoringIn favor of digging up those weapons and putting them on display in a museumThis practice reverently puts things backBut I’m most touched by the participatory nature of the practiceThe involvement of community and peace-builders in burying these vasesAs individuals and groups, visitors and residents, hold and bless these vessels Living ceremonies catalyzed by symbolism, intention and ritualEven developing ongoing peace and resource alliancesBrought alive in a new way by what was buriedI particularly love this ritual because I can feel the humility and recognitionParticipation as the sacred actThe results: out of our handsBut joining hands in recognition that our intention and actions matterThat the course of our shared history might hinge on a prayer and a giftHumans and the earth have had millennia of certain kinds of reciprocityUsurped by things like plumbing and industryAnd we have lots of decisions to make about how we continue to existAnd as much as innovation may have a role to playSo mightGuidance from the proverbial - and literal- wise one in a cave This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

Today I had the opportunity to use my umbrella shaped like the Duomo in FlorenceThere’s a detail on it most people don’t noticeLike the Eiffel Tower in Paris or Big Ben in LondonFlorence’s skyline is recognizable based on the DuomoOr, more formally, the Basilica di Santa Maria del FioreThe cathedral grew with Florence’s prominence in Italian historyFirst, just a small church on a northbound Roman roadThen a 5th century upgrade to “Santa Reparata Basilica”But as the middle ages became the RenaissanceFlorence came out swingingAnd this Russian nesting doll of a churchBegan to take its modern shape1296 brought a new cathedral which took 100 years to buildBut left a nearly 150 foot hole in the roofAnd in 1420, Brunelleschi began the octagonal dome that is now known the world overThe first and still largest brick dome in the worldIn what was a drama worthy of a telenovelaHe built it in only 16 yearsWith incredible innovationUsing no scaffolding or wood supportsAnd confusing the hell out of the architects and artisans of the dayBut, for some reason, Brunelleschi left the base of the Duomo unfinishedYou have this incredibly fancy, two-tiered, intricate domeAnd a bunch of raw stone and sandstone beams attaching it to an incredibly ornate cathedralHe died more than a decade later… He could’ve finished itNo one else had the gutsNo one understood the engineering above it and didn’t want to be responsible for collapsing the structureBut eighty years later, as the Renaissance was hoppingFlorence set an architect to the taskAt about the same time they commissioned Michelangelo to carve “David” to sit at the cathedral’s rooflineSo, this architect designed decorative columns for where the cupola meets the cathedralAnd he completes one of the eight sides before Michelangelo comes back to town with DavidA couple of things happen nextOne, David is so beautiful - and so heavy - they decide he must live where he can be appreciatedAnd even Michelangelo’s archnemesis, DaVinci, agrees David should be placed in front of the town hallSorry, Palazzo VecchioWhere he sat for the next three hundred and fifty yearsBut, the other thing that happenedIs someone asked how Michelangelo thought the Duomo base was coming alongHe snickered and said the columns made the Duomo look like a cricket cageAt which point, the work was abandoned. Permanently.I mean, if Michelangelo doesn’t like it…So, that’s what my umbrella showsOne edge of the octagon with it’s cricket cageAnd seven more completely unfinishedBecause of one man’s opinionAnd here, 400 years later, it remains the sameLook at a picture - any pictureOne of the most ornate and visited buildings in the world remains visibly unfinishedAnd absolutely no one caresBut it does make me chuckle every time it rains. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

There is not a food on earth that I expect to fulfill all my nutritional needsMuch less satiate me permanentlyThere is no shampoo so powerful that I’ll never need to use shampoo againAnd there’s no clarity, on any subject, that means I’ll never need to address it again with my belovedsWhy, then, do I keep thinking ‘this spiritual practice should clean up all the remaining debris”“This mental practice will conquer this long-held pattern forevermore”Or“This emotional clarity will erase the original wound”My conditioning on ‘arriving’ is so strongThat even a lifetime of experience disproving ‘arrival’In every categoryStill gets overlookedI get disappointed when I need to meet a challenge I thought I’d already met adequatelyAs if participation, refinement and renewalWere admonishment instead of opportunityStill, part of me wants to be ‘done’ and wants to be done through one effective toolSighEven the washing machine has to go in circles for quite some time to get the clothes cleanOne round won’t do itThe truth is, I love my practicesI just wish I didn’t NEED themAnd I do need themI need meditation as much as I need to brush my teethAnd am quantumly better to talk to after bothI need relational witnessing as much as I need exerciseAnd feel invigorated and alive after bothI need creative expression as much as I need foodAnd feel delight in process and restful satisfaction after bothHygiene is an ongoing process not because yesterday’s efforts were insufficientBut because that is how living systems workI want to tell my children I love them over and over, in new waysLast year’s love is insufficient to describe the depth at which they delight me todayI don’t take that kind of repetition as a problemI like what it grows intoJust like I like the way my teeth feel after the dentistOr I like the way our house looks right before we have companyI like the way I feel when I’m inhabiting my whole self with compassion and curiosityThese may not be permanent states, which is sometimes frustratingBut coming back around to them sure feels good This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

In my early 30’s I lived in a boat house on a small private lake in MichiganI called it “camp”Which is how I squared myself with copious spider populationIt was the early days of the internet and I’d done a keyword search using “charming”And it wasDown a ½ mile-long drivewayAround the side of the main housePark by the magnolia treeFollow the stone path to the 40 stepsThe entrance of the house sat atop another 20 steps down to the waterIt was about 700 square feetKnotty pine walls (another reason I called it ‘camp’)A 30-foot porch I could fish off ofBut really I just threw the fish blueberries and watched their disappointmentThe weekend I moved in, a former contact calledI answered the phone, “Paradise, may I help you?”He was offering me a job to run a new Australian office of his web design company“Thank you,” I said, “and if I hadn’t been serious with my salutation, I’d be all over it”It was so beautiful, I never wanted to leaveSo I asked my boss “what would I need to do to work from home”She answered, “you’d need to get another job”But 6 weeks later, I ruptured a discAnd whadayaknow, I couldn’t drive for 3 monthsI had been traveling a lot, so now my colleagues had to come to meCamp hosted many meetingsSeveral colleagues slept on my porch instead of their hotelWe would swim off the dock to separate the work day from the eveningThe environment was so spectacularI could invite anyone over at any timeWhether I had food or wine to offerAnd feel utterly confident that they would be delighted to simply be thereUsually, I could throw something togetherBut it was really an afterthought.Until I got marriedSuddenly, I started freaking out about whether I had enough wineOr adequate snacksIf the house was clean enoughOr I’d swept the stairsWTF?It took a few times of this happening to realizeI’d changed the tapeI’d had the carefree single woman tape in the playerAnd now I had the wife tapeAnd that one was full of anxiety about how the details reflected on the state of my unionI had to do it right or everyone, including and especially me, would think I was doing it wrongAnd the craziest part was that even finally realizing what was happening did not end the dynamicIt took concentrated effort to set down the anxiety that felt necessaryAnd it was only the magnitude of the beauty of the environment that would pause the tapeReminding me to enjoy the privilege of sharing the space with people I enjoyedAs time went by, camp became less enchantingThe roof leaked. The landlord weirdly wouldn’t fix itTucker designed an utterly hilarious indoor gutter system that channeled water into 3 separate bucketsBy the time our daughter was bornWhat was once magical suddenly felt potentially dangerousCircumstances changedWe ended up moving 1,000 miles awayAnd I had to continue to slowly debug wife.exeIn a New England bungalowI went back to camp about 3 years later for a visitIt was every bit as beautiful as I remembered itI couldn’t resist jumping in the lakeI got entirely tangled in seaweed This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

AI has led me astray more than onceIt just sounded so sure of itselfLLMs don’t present data as dataThey weave narrativesIntimating that they know everythingYou’re being seen and understood as you rarely are in lifeAnd here’s your straightforward 7 day planIt has been helpful, like when I had an identity theft scareAnd super not helpful, like when it said an appointment would be covered when it wasn’tWas it the LLM’s faultOr mine, for accepting its authoritative tone as realWhen I’m working with an LLM on something I actually know aboutThe errors are many and obviousWhich finally has me applying more discernmentWhen Google’s AI Overview gives me a convincing answer to something I’m truly questioningIt is something I need to remind myself to doQuestion that contrived authorityAnd today I realize I need to bring that same skepticismThat same knowledge of the need for deeper inquiryWhen fear swoops inIntimating that it knows everythingIt’s the authorityIt has the dataIt cares for me and understands me and wants to support meBoth fear and LLMs only have access to the pastRearranging it and calling it the futureBut that’s not a real futureIt’s just the regurgitated pastAnd I’ve certainly had enough of thatI don’t necessarily think fear or AI is trying to deceive meI think they’re trying to present themselves as an authority that already knows what to doYou know, to help me feel betterIt’s a trapAnd it’s so easy to get caught in itBecause quick knowing is the whole appealEven when it’s wrongWhen I call AI out on its errorsIt does the same thing fear does“Yep. You’re right. No excuse. I won’t do it again.”And absolutely does it again.Talk about predictive modeling.I can’t erase AI from the cultural zeitgeistAny more than I can erase fear from my thinking mindI can, however, not let them go unquestionedAnd my frustrations with AI are just making explicit and obviousThe series of predictive jumps and ridiculous confidence fear has been conjuring all alongSure, not knowing is uncomfortableBut life is a dance with discoveryThe nuance and specificity of this encounterWhat this moment is both asking and offeringFear and AI help me think I already know enough to stop paying attentionAs if I can circumvent the discomfort of not knowing and feel safeBut billions of years on this planetAnd it’s never been the same day twiceI want to meet todayNot a model I’ve anticipated, perfected and executed flawlesslyBut a living possibilityWhere inquiry, discovery and wonderAren’t things I need to resolve or protect myself fromBut what I allow to shape meWonder what’s next? Subscribe! This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

Growing up, I didn’t have a lot of emotional mirroring or reflectionMost of my family was too busy to engageThe sister closest in age, however, had lots of time on her handsWhich she used to tell me how much she hated meThat everyone didThat anyone who pretended to like me, was indeed just pretendingNot just most daysEvery dayConsequently, I felt the need to get a second opinionAnd, not finding a willing mirror in my own houseI used to go knock on doors in my neighborhoodPlenty of people didn’t open the doorAnd in retrospect, I can’t blame them“Hi. I’m 7. I’m just looking for someone to talk to.”There was one old lady who would answer almost every time I knockedShe got loose tobacco from a Native American farm in VirginiaWe would talk while I watched her roll her cigarettesAnother house would answer the door when their grandchild was overAnd I was happy to entertain the toddler for an hour or twoMost people were just confusedAnd eventually, I got the hintBut I carried the desire for a reliable witness throughout my developmentI would ask teachers and counselors for an honest assessment of meStrengths and weaknessesAnd usually they would tell me how smart and resourceful I wasBut that I could be more patientThat wasn’t what I wanted to hearI wanted to hear something that could reconcile my sense of selfWith my sister’s constant assessment of meBut I also knew that my sister’s take was skewedAnd that I was too close to understand my own blind spotsAnd so, I kept askingNow, we live in a polite societyPeople generally are not equipped to give constructive psychological evaluationsMost told me what they thought I wanted to hearUntil Lou SchultzLou was the president of the company I worked forAnd the husband of my dearest friendHe was successful, succinct, and no-b******tSo, one day, at about 30 years oldI decided Lou was the perfect person to askAnd he did not disappointHe wasn’t going to fluff my pillowI’d asked him a question and I was getting my answerHe started with things he liked about meAnd then he dug into where he thought I was an idiotOne example: “You’re political without being politically astute”I asked for clarificationHe recalled a business dinner I’d relayed to him previouslyI’d done a negative POV paper about a companyThe president of which was a former roommate of the president of GMI’d recommended GM not engageOf course they engagedThey were always going to engage, and I should’ve known thatAnd I certainly shouldn’t have confessed to being the author of the paper at the dinnerYeah.There were other things he offeredAll of them valid from his lensAnd, after all those years of askingI finally had an unflinching assessment of who I was as a personFrom someone I knew and respectedAnd, I won’t lie: I was crushedI spent several days in a funk. Wouldn’t leave my house. Had to process.I’d asked for itI’d gotten itAnd now I had to deal with itImagine my surprise, then, when several days later a very high-ranking executive called meOne of the people at that business dinner Lou said I’d flubbed“I want to offer you a job,” he said“Your honesty is refreshing, and your lack of posturing is unique”A fog liftedI didn’t take the jobBut I got something much betterI finally saw I was mistaking frames for mirrorsEcholocation doesn’t tell a bat who she isIt just tells her where she isI’ll always love Lou for being the first person to be truly candid with meAnd the lastBecause I never had to ask that question againP.S. I no longer ask strangers who I am. I do still enjoy talking to them. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

Avon Road, in Rochester, Michigan, dead-ends into Adams RoadJust southeast of Meadow Brook Music FestivalIt’s a road my family traveled often on our way homeAnd for about a 9 month period when I was in my early teensI had a recurrent experience with a stunning wisteria treeWhich sat in a yard a few houses east of the lightIf we were the 7th or 8th car in line, I could view this tree out the passenger windowAnd when I didThe tree played with meIt was a specific exchangeI consider it the most spiritual experience of my lifeAnd I’ve tried to reconnect to this tree specificallyAnd to any part of nature in general in the same wayBut, no diceWhat happened, time and again, when all the conditions were rightIs that as I gazed upon the treeI felt her gazing back at meThe space between the tree and me remained the sameBut the distance collapsed entirelyI could go back and forth between regular gazingAnd this kind of communionAnd the tree seemed amused that I would do thatAnd, as weird as this soundsThe tree acted as a kind of portalIn that, when I was in the orientation of communionI felt like I could understand the whole world through herShe was the focal pointThrough which everything was more intimate than what I normally experiencedIt would last anywhere from a few seconds to a few minutes.These two states were visually distinctLike when you look exclusively through your right eye, and then through your leftAnd it even had a physical sensation - subtle but pervasiveIt was absolutely fascinating and truly fun.I loved it when our ride home included Avon RoadThough it was still dependent on being stopped for the lightThis was not something that could be achieved in a drive-by.Genuinely curious if this was something others experienced, I mentioned it to someone I respectedWho suggested it sounded occult, and I was young, and it was dangerous and probably not good I still regret heeding that adviceBecause no amount of will has been able to recreate the sensations and perceptual shift that tree offeredAnd, here, most of my life later, I recognize that kind of communionAs my highest aspirationJack Kornfield has a bookAfter the Ecstasy, The LaundryDetailing the longing that often takes placeIn the aftermath of a profound spiritual experienceI’ve found that book very helpful, and am going to pull it out and read it againBut what is alive for me today as I reminisce about that giftIs the total shift in perception that tree afforded meAnd the world beyond it that became palpableIt was absolutely heavenlyAnd it was right there, on Avon RoadOccasionally I argue with letters, commune with trees, and question reality. Subscribe if that sounds like your kind of thing. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

Well over a year ago, in conversationMy son told me he was ‘chalant’I told him that wasn’t a wordHe insisted it wasI insisted it wasn’tMy son is an extremely laid back young manHe could be late for something he cares aboutAnd still saunter from the car to the door when I drop him offI have literally never seen him runI assumed he meant nonchalantBecause, well, he isBut it turns out, he is sometimes, out in the wildMore invested, proactive and engagedNot afraid of people seeing his interest and careAnd thereby referred to by some as chalantA term I found both incorrect and ludicrousUntil about 5 months ago when I started seeing articles about being chalantPopping up everywhereThis idea of being unabashedly emotionally availableI had to call my son and eat crowLuckily, he’s pretty gracious about itIt’s not the first time I’ve had to update my filesVia a little scuffle with my kids I was sure I was right aboutIt feels that somewhere between puberty and driver’s licensesThe dynamic shiftedThe flow of information no longer went from me to themBut slowly began to reverseInstead of me informing themThey began updating meIt’s humblingAnd often hilariousAnd it makes me feel better about the futureI was happy to learn that my laid-back son isn’t afraid to be present and engagedIndeed, he told me“I can’t wait to see how emotionally intelligent my kids are’‘Oh yeah?’ I asked“Yeah. I mean, you’re so much more emotionally intelligent than your parentsAnd i’m so much more emotionally intelligent than you…”After I stopped laughingAnd maybe wanting to kick himIn all his sincerity and all of mineI kindof like that what I think I know isn’t necessarily ‘right’ anymoreThat new things are always emergingI just hope I can keep up This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

I spent the first half of my life aggressively pursuing peaceIn myself (Meditate more! Read more books! Find the Magic Formula!)In my family (See how smart I am and do what I say and we’ll be fine!)And in the world (Protest! Lobby! Canvass! Convince! Enroll! Recycle!)Yet those heartfelt efforts did not generate the experience of peaceThey kept an idea of peace just out of reachAnd dependent upon herding colonies of wildly disinterested catsEventually, all that well-intentioned aggression fried my nervous systemA nervous system, like so many others, tuned to chronic urgencyThe floor was always lavaIt was not a gameMy individual reorientation came through illnessMy sister’s came through griefThe list of specific mechanisms is endlessBut the dynamic at play was:All these ideas you have about what’s right and wrongMaybe take a breathAnd learn to listen instead of dictateTo participate instead of compulsively organizeAlign instead of directFor a person who thought her devotion necessarily had to pay dividends in the worldIt’s a radical reorganization of identity and purposeIt’s also extremely relievingI’m not sure if hamsters think the wheel will get them out of the cageBut it doesn’t, no matter how hard they tryThe wheel appeals to their natural desire to run in their environmentBut it doesn’t fulfill itInstinct redirected to futilityIt also has an antidoteAn intentional design that harnesses the instinctBecause while sometimes little rodents are desperate to find food or escape predatorsEven well-nourished hamsters in the wild continue to run and forageAs a participatory act in the ecologyBut those are two very different points of originOne is panicked, the other is more relaxed.Both are activeOne is generativeLike if the hamster wheel powered an Easy Bake Oven of hamster treatsAll my strain didn’t yield peaceBut my growing peace continues to dissolve strainIt doesn’t make me passiveBut it surely makes me less anxiousAnd more than even my best organizingMeeting hard things softlyInvites a generosity of careThat lets peace growStay tuned to see if I invent an Easy Bake Oven for hamster treats… This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

My Tai Chi teacher used to say I practiced Dead Spider Tai ChiI was always poised to collapseI swore I was standing straight and ‘strong’But when I got tapped even lightly from the sideMy leg would collapse into centerSame with my torso or my armsI can now feel that it originated in the tilt of my hipsAnd the relationship from hip to ankle to foot to earthBut for years, this stability eluded meFive minutes with Sue Choi shifted the dynamic foreverI finally found Unbreakable LegPracticing her work, I experience the body’s promisesI am supportedI have power without strainAnd I am at easeThese aren’t affirmationsThey’re the felt sense of a body organized for coherenceWhat’s funny is I remember being awkward in my body as a kidAnd hoping I’d learn how to inhabit it correctly somedaySue’s work brought that day into beingBy aligning reliably into what she calls the neutral body or the body of resourceI can feel the weight of gravity move through my bonesAnd the more settled I become, the more I can notice and release tension and bracingOh-so-much tension and bracingAlthough I would’ve assured you I didn’t hold tensionI was so enmeshed in it, I identified it as my ‘self’Sue’s work also brought into clarity something I’d been dancing around with dozens of somatic teachersThe body of story, my habitual posture made up of accumulated tensionsThe residue of a lifetime of bracings, small and largeCompounded into fields that literally restructured my postureI began to notice that my body took on specific shapes during different emotionsAnd when I could intentionally organize my body differentlyIt loosened the weight of my moodAttention to aligning to and exploring the neutral bodyHas helped me reclaim my body’s natural resourcesMy stories were organizing my posture to a huge degreeNow my design isAnd as I get better at thisI notice these little tensions that have run via my subconsciousJust in the backgroundAll the time, perhaps from last week, perhaps from 50 years agoBut now they get the light of attentionAnd the structure of alignment I can relax into and move fromCoherent Body gave me the reference and knowing I never learned as a kidHow to organize myself to receive the natural support and power of a living beingCounterbalancing so much accumulated bracingI was trapped in a web of my own tensionsAnd didn’t know the simple shifts that could release meNow I doI wish I’d had this knowledge straight out the gateSo I could’ve been a nimble panther in my Tai Chi and in my lifeWithout that pesky Dead Spider phaseJoin me in exploring the felt sense of freedom and possibility even when things are tough. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

My partner greatly contributes to my well-beingBut he is not who I would’ve chosen for myself.My younger self romanticized a partner who was dazzlingI worked backstage at a music venue in my youth. It was a lot of fun.I quickly adapted to proximity to influenceI expected to be in the center of arts and cultureLaughing with a glass of champagne in one handWatching world-class musicians sitting on the couch playing Beatles songsI expected a flashy lifeMy husband is not flashyI knew him for months and would not have considered dating himHe was a bit quiet for meIncredibly understatedVery laid backIt was not until Janet Goings came back after a three week business trip to Japan with him and saidHe is ‘the best person to travel with’Did I open to seeing him in a different wayAnd it was like a bell being struckI had dated many wonderful, charismatic menWith often turbulent dynamicsI’d traveled with severalAnd it was usually fraughtSomeone wonderful to travel with piqued my interestSo, I gave him a shot.The harmony I experienced in our relationship was almost a shockNot only “not turbulence”But actual harmonyRespectful, mutual care and active appreciationNot flashyBut very compellingI was, actually and literally, surprised every day for the first decade of my marriageLow-key waiting for reality to set inThe honeymoon to wear offThe low-level discord to creep inWhat I didn’t fully realizeWas that we came from two different relational orientationsI hadn’t even known his existedI grew up with fiery, maybe contentious communicationYelling was not uncommonDefending one’s rightness was the dynamicMy husband speaks his words, quietly and curiouslyBecause of thatI have never felt like he was questioning my goodness Even if he was inquiring about a choice or behavior he didn’t care forHe’d ask me about itHe didn’t challenge me over itHe’d ask how I got to that conclusionAnd then listen while I explained what I was thinkingHe did this so many times, so gently and so consistentlyHe taught me to, tooPrior to himI thought disagreement necessarily involved discordThe idea that the other person wasn’t somehow attacking or invalidating me?I’d really never imagined itBecause of this, we could address things when they were tinyWith curiosityHis communication style set a field of safety I’d never imaginedBut it didn’t come fully formedIt came as a budAfter Janet planting the seedAnd, it’s true, he really is great to travel with.Once we went to Sicily, where my grandfather built a shrineAnd on the ferry ride thereMy husband was on the bow with all the Italian day-trip truck driversAt first, he thought dozens of fights were about to break out.All these guys in each other’s space, gesturing wildlyTheir facial expressions -My husband’s Swedish. That’s not the way his people converse.Watching the whole ordeal unfold uneventfullyHe eventually recognized they were just Sicilians talking about sports and the weather.He laughed. At them. At himself.At how what looks dangerous to one person might be commonplace to anotherWhen we re-joined, he said, “I think I understand your family better”‘Yeah, Welcome to my world,’ I said‘And I’m so glad you introduced me to yours’ This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

There are only so many times a person can be earnestly trying for somethingWatching other people seem to get it easilyAnd remain chipper in their congratulationsEven when those well-wishes are heartfelt and without reproachIt’s hard to keep envy entirely out of the equationAnd curiosity about what makes it unavailable to meThis is hard. And tricky. And no one dances through it unscathed.And a well of compassion for so many people in so many situations erupts in meEven as I encounter my own flavor of itI’ve had the same pain point for yearsI can derive meaning, glean insight, and wax poetic about itI can also even notice and appreciate advantages it affords meEven as I cannot deny the disadvantagesSo many things can be true at once, it’s mindbogglingBut as I move through the days where my efforts fall flatI feel it’s a little bit like living in an apartment I don’t likeJust wanting to GTFOAnd maybe washing the windowsTo make being here more bearable for todayI had a friend say a few weeks ago: “Maybe you’re just not meant to work”And the cascade of bristling“Tell that to the electric company”“How is that fair to my husband?”“Do I just capitulate and accept that there isn’t a place I can serve society?”Came into direct opposition to some burdensome beliefThat I have to tryNo matter how many people ignore or reject meI have to keep offering myselfThat’s what my therapist saidAnd I don’t know if it’s true(I have, actually, fired that therapist)But, today, my approach is about getting comfortable in LimboThere’s a Catholic belief that babies who die before baptismHave to wait out the Second Coming in this in-between placeNot heavenNot hellJust limboFeels familiarAnd if I’m going to be here a whileAs I have been in this specific area of my lifeI may as well exercise my acceptance muscleStop being certain there’s a different expression of lifeWherein my role in the world is flourishing in a way that is evident to myselfI have tried every door, every window, every mouse hole with both left hand and rightLimbo is not releasing meSo, I may as well wash the windowsMaybe get a new bathmatHang a picture or twoGet comfortableAnd make the desperate parts of me some tea and crackersNot because anything has changedBut because I’ve lived long enough to knowResistance costs peaceSo I may as well make myself at home This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

We had a deal with our kidsThey could participate in pixels(TV, computers, iPads, phones)For the exact amount of time they spent being creative in the daySpend an hour or two drawing, writing, building, playing music or sportsI will give you no grief about that game you want to playYou want to binge it?You’re going to need to bank some creative timeWhich often got them into deep-focus projects.We also had pixel free days and sometimes weeksAt the beginning of the week, there was little but complaintBy the end of the week, integrating pixels back in was almost awkwardThose days have passedKids have become adults and my rules no longer apply to themBut I now apply this rule for my own engagement with exterior voicesI can’t consume more than I createAnd for every tale of Armageddon I ingestI owe myself its antidote: ascension narrativeFor every political outrageA tale of heroism in service to life and loveIt’s not far from my food philosophyFor every dark leafy green and rainbow-colored meal I eatI can have latitude with a less than ideal optionAnd while I can bank dark leafy green daysI can’t accumulate cheat daysSo, the old Taoist approach of ‘moderation in all things’The seed of an antidote in every poison, and potential for poison in every antidoteMight just apply to everythingEven todayNothing we’re experiencing here is newIt’s the current expression of ancient dynamicsEver at playMy relationship to the friction betweenCitizenship and mental healthHas me consuming a certain amount of mediaBalancing the crazy with the inspirational helps meAnd key to grounding that balancing actIs spending an equal amount of time in expressionWriting. Painting. Rearranging a shelf. Making a sign.That’s how I keep from being overwhelmed by the very real s**t showAnd far more optimistic about what’s possible in the world and between each otherAnd within myselfPerhaps this can be my conversational orientation as wellYes, I’ll listen to your political views for exactly as long as you’re willing to explore what you want to createAnd even: I’ll indulge my periodic disillusionment as long as I commit to a one-drop drawingI recently read: the opposite of depression isn’t happiness, it’s expressionTo thinkThe best of my parenting is now parenting me. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

At almost any hour of any dayIf you ask me what time it isMy impromptu response will be within 3-4 minutes of what the clock saysAnd usually right on the noseIt’s uncannyBut made infinitely weirder by the factThat I have zero precision anywhere else in my relationship with timeI’ve never worn a watchI rarely carry my phoneI’ve recently heard the term “time drunk” and was a little scared at how much it resonatedAnd it’s not just meMy sister’s friend once summed up my father:“I picture your dad, a martini in one hand, a handful of peanuts in the otherHaving to be somewhere 15 minutes ago, and deciding to take a nap”Yup.There was a belligerence in his relationship to time all of his lifeWe were all effected, and most of his children have some form of time wonkinessWreaking all kinds of havocMy favorite dentist lied to me about my appointment time for yearsI was grateful, but once I knew, we were right back to rolling the dice as to when I’d be thereParenting made me able to act more responsibly, but just kindofDuring the few years my kids went to schoolI routinely showed up just as they were sending attendance to the office“Hey, kid! Hand me that clipboard! I’m just going to erase this little checkmark…”Contrast that with my husbandWhen he took the kids to school they often had to wait for the teacher to come unlock the doorMy daughter is like my husband. My son is like me.I wish we were all somewhere in the middleBut life is full of nebulous wishes, stubborn proclivities, and unpredictable transformationsAs well as specific wishes, remarkable growth and intentional shiftsI am very clear that I can control very little of itEven, often, my own behaviorBut, I’m equally clear that I can be curious about my relationship to it, my experience of it, and my participation in itWithout it being a referendum on my worthNot running to or from this state or that state, but knowing all the states arise and fallNot ‘a good day because I was on time’Or ‘a bad day because i repeated a pattern I’m ashamed of’Just a dayA day full of wonder and heartbreak on this earthBillions of instances of eachAnd the sweet and salty taste of participation.With homage to the great Chicago song - Yes, I generally know what time it is - and also, No, historically I have not cared - but this seems to be changing as the inquiry continues… This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

I am a coiner of aphorismsOne of my favorites is:“Wonderful capacity. Terrible default setting.”The first time I used it was counseling my nephew about a job interviewHis capacity to inflate himself would come in handyBut be perilous if it was all he brought to the conversationI knew, as I said it, it was going to stickAnd I’ve returned to it again and againEmpathy is a wonderful capacityAs a default setting, we get lost in others’ experience.Drive is a wonderful capacityAs a default setting, it bypasses satisfaction and leads to burnoutRecognizing our own faults is a wonderful capacityBut as a default setting it is grueling and self-erodingWe’re naturally multidimensionalAnd it is a disservice to ourselves and others to rely on a single mode of being.No matter how well we think it works for usCross-training is an excellent physical example we would do well to apply more broadlyWhen my daughter injured her ACL and the doctors recommended surgeryA gifted physical therapist told us:“The way she moves is centered on her strengths, which led to the injury.Get the surgery without changing the pattern, she’ll have the same problem againWhat she needs is strength and flexibility through her full range of motion”She had been playing to her strengthsAnd who could blame her for that default settingBut without fully tended foundationsThose strengths were going to collapseAnd so we postponed the surgery to develop her capacityAnd she never needed the surgeryIn fact, instead of being on the injured list that seasonShe ended up winning conference honors.With “strength and flexibility through the full range of motion”Rotating our capacities as appropriateBecomes our default settingResponsive to the momentHarnessing the fullness of what we’ve done beforeTo apply it in a responsive and sometimes new wayThis isn’t just a physical idealIt applies broadly to our livesIt doesn’t diminish our strengthsIt supports them, and makes them sustainable, and gives us rangeWhen our focus becomes too narrow, too repetitive, too defaultImportant things are left to atrophyReducing the ground that supports usEven if we really enjoy relying on our favorite strategies(they’re so comforting)(Hollywood loves a good formula)But life is a broader spectrumAnd every moment asks me to meet it anewEven if I’ve gotten into a habit of responding as if today were a repeat of yesterdayAnd I want to repeat the trick that got the most applauseI mean, it’s a wonderful capacity, but a terrible default settingAnd as I notice how many subtle defaults I employ every dayI’m trying to appreciate them, and invite them backstageTo the raucous afterpartyWhere I never know what is going to happen next.Whatever happens next, I’d love for you to join me in this exploration of bringing our whole selves to participate in life This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

I polish the orb of spiritual devotion as a vocationMy belief in the Divine as All is ever-revealed the more softly I look, the more openly I feelEverything in life is singingWe are all humming alongCreating.Relating.Attention as currencyWe invest in what we valueOr what we’re compelled byIsn’t it beautiful when those two things are the same?When attention isn’t hijackedI’m still trying to slow down enough to discern the triggerThat moves my attention from polishing the orb of my appreciationTo inadvertently pushing it down a slippery slope to a well of despair/dread/insecurityThis is the conundrum with which I began this journeyHow can so much of my life be so repleteAnd this existential insecurity sometimes take overThe polarity is alive within my life as peace interspersed by panic at varying intervals and intensitiesAnd even while peace has the bulk of the real estateIt doesn’t take long for a tornado to tear up a townI was just reading about the triumphs of community after disastersHow the swell of need brings a focal point for our natural care, love, service, compassion, connectionWe want to make a difference in each others’ livesWe just often don’t know howCare is a currentI feel like I look into it as if it were double dutch ropesWaiting for my opportunity, tripping with my attemptsBut I know what it feels like to jump in rhythmI know what it feels like to be in community where those who temporarily have more can fill the gaps for those who temporarily have lessBut I also live in a world with a freshly minted trillionaireAs the world burnsSo, living with the full spectrum of what’s happeningPerhaps it makes sense I’d vacillate between connected wonder and abject horrorHere’s what I want:I don’t want the orb of wonder on a pedestal it can fall fromI want to quit wearing smooth the incline of insecurity that allows attention to fallLike a marble through a vertical maze each time the world seems unacceptable or unacceptingI want to cultivate a rich loamy soilTerrain my wonder can traverseAnd be shaped by.Meditation and somatic practice open and clear my relational channels within and withoutBut the nuance I’m going for hereAs I look at how I want to treat myself and move through the worldIs entirely relationalWhere my inner first responder can care for my lamenting victim without either part feeling shameReceiving care as well as giving it, and giving it freelyLetting it be part of the community of me in the vastness of ongoing creationRecognizing that wonder, grief, outrage, tenderness, helplessness, and service are not competing realitiesBut movements within the same field.This field.The field we share.Humming along. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

It is very true that my best friend in middle school was a treeI’ve actually had numerous tree-best-friendsAnd even a couple of mystical experiences with treesWhile the human world often feels foreign to meTrees make me feel right at homeSo, I totally understood it when forest bathing became a thingIt’s a thing because it’s wildly effective in nervous system regulationIt’s wildly effective because nature physiologically operates on multiple levels simultaneouslyPsychologically, we know we’re dependent on trees and the oxygen they generateWe know they model resilience, rootedness, and coregulation with the environmentBut it goes way deeper than thatTrees speak directly to our immune and nervous systems through phytoncidesWhich we often extract as essential oilsAnd even visually taking in the organized chaos of a tree’s leaf system rewires the amygdalaWe are fluent in the language of trees at a biological levelSo, with permission, I’m a tree hugger. A tree climber. A tree appreciatorAnd lately I’ve been spending time laying beneath the branchesOf my little tangerine treeJust looking upSoftening my gazeMoving in and out of focusA leaf hereThe dappling lightA baby tangerine or cluster of themThe whole, vibrant picture.One day, my focus landed on a dead branch and all its little twigs and spursSurrounded by life and greenery“Hmmm…” I thought, “my life is like this tangerine tree.Most of it moving along nicely, and this one dead branch”Which I equated with my career.As I wondered why it was even there, how it survived the last pruningA hummingbird came and perched on a branchletEasily alighting right above my headBecause of all the places on this treeThis empty area was the most hospitable to a hummingbird.I try to spend 10 or 20 minutes under that tree every day when the temp is under 100And the hummingbird joined me for two weeks solidSitting, breathing, sometimes sticking her filament tongue out at meWhich i took as a sign of affectionIf I brought my phone with me, she protestedFlying down and hovering in a distinctly reprimanding fashionAll this to sayThat empty branch became meaningfulIt opened a relationshipSo maybe I can rethink the association I madeAnd recognize nature’s wisdom and purposeExactly as it is This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

When I was 8 years old, the University of Pennsylvania quarterback came to our house for Thanksgiving dinnerHe didn’t have time to travel home between games and we were happy to have a local celebrity join usAfter dinner, he’d told us about his summer job at a sugar millSuffice it to say, I remember every word of that conversationAnd it is front and center literally every time I encounter white sugarThat was nearly 50 years agoHow many times do you think I’ve encountered white sugar?Lots of times.He wasn’t even talking to me. He probably barely noticed I was in the roomBut his casual words have visited me many thousands of times over the yearsHere’s my question:Why can’t I pick the ones that flood me like that?I spend a lot of time being conscious about my thoughts - sometimes easy, sometimes difficultBut you never know what left-field comment is going to stick.Happily a few decades ago, someone said a single sentence about how easy laundry was for themAnd laundry has been no big deal to me ever since(Though I’m sorry to say I do not remember what the sentence was!)But, this developed a theory in me:I imagine a young woman working in a baroque bakeryPregnant. Scared. Sweeping the floor.An older woman comes in with her baby grandchildAs they wait in line, the grandmother delights in every coo, every giggleAnd when this little child tastes her first cookie, it’s as if the whole bakery transformsThe young woman watches. Sweeping. The joy contagious.She chooses to have the child.Let’s say her child turns out to be MozartWho, then, do we have to thank for The Magic Flute?Mozart? His mother? Some unnamed woman from Mozart’s mother’s past? The child? The baker?I think we play this role for each other all the timeWe have no idea the various graces that support our trajectoryOr the casual cautions that provide subtle guardrails on our pathBut our identity, beliefs and storiesHave been shaped by every single being we’ve ever encounteredWe think we’re the sculptorBut we’re very much the clayAnd for every intentional habit or thought, every chisel we wield in our shapingWe’re matched by the impact of erosion, plate tectonics and gravityForces all around us, beyond our controlHaving their way with usIt’s worth keeping in mindWe’re shaping each other much more than we know This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

Philip Shepherd tells the story of his niece losing her bracelet at a big family picnicEveryone had been searching the grass of a huge field for agesBut when Philip arrived and heard of the questHe looked into the vast field and invited his pelvic floor to find the itemAnd he walked right to itI was skepticalExcept not long after reading itMy husband and son had made boomerangsAnd gone to fly them in a nearby field surrounded by hilly bramblesAs often happens with novice boomerangingMy son’s, the cool one, the purple one with special symbolsOvershot its mark and did not come backIt effectively disappearedThey searched and searched, and came home with tearsBut, I had just read that storyAnd so I turned them around and we went back to the field.I’d like to tell you that I walked right to itBecause I didBut I also need to tell you that it did not feel that way while I was walkingPhilip says, “don’t be aware of the pelvic floor, be aware from the pelvic floor”Which is not nearly as difficult as it is unusual.All kinds of uncertainty accompanied me as I walked into the brambles on the far side of the fieldBut the pelvic floor does not commentate on uncertaintyIt stays receptive for signalsSo, when thoughts like ‘this isn’t working’ came upI returned to the sensing of the lower bodyThe part in contact with the surroundings that knew where the boomerang layDoubt -> breath -> curious sensingAgain and again for about 10 minutesAnd, trite as it may soundJust when I was resigned to not finding itThere it wasA glimpse of purpleThe boomerang deep in a bushPulling it out was a triumph on many levelsThe best of which was my son’s reliefBut when this memory came to mind the other dayI was shocked that I cannot remember using the technique since.My professional expression has been lost for some timeAnd my best efforts of searching have been fruitlessPerhaps it’s time to invite my pelvic floor to lead me to my next expressionLed solely by sensingRemembering not to be distracted by the uncertainty between start and finishBut stay in the sensing curiosity and keep movingSlowly, deliberately.Not directed by my thoughtsBut moving via my center of gravityToday, I’m enchantedI’m glad that lessons come back aroundLike boomerangs This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

I read a book in the 90’s titled “Wholeness or Transcendence”I remember little more than the titleAnd having thought, “Transcendence. Obviously.”Transcendence was my spiritual path to unity with all of lifeAnd conceptually, I could get so closeBut the world and circumstances refused to cooperate.While striving for transcendence, I experienced distinct separation in my body“I” lived behind my eyes and “had” a bodyWhich, while handy for carrying my thoughts through space, rarely behaved as I wanted it toWeight, shape, gracefulness, abilitiesMy mind had notesWhat turned out to be fortunately for me, my body had notes for my mind, tooAnd sort of went on strike through physical disabilityWhich shifted the dynamic dramaticallyThe elusiveness of transcendence and the reality of life in a painful bodyMade me much more inquisitive about wholenessAnd over time, as my body morphed from servant to jailor to teacher to fieldIdentity went from centralized in my head to distributed throughout a dynamic systemI became more of myself. Literally.Intelligence is acknowledged more broadly and has more spaceAnd often, especially when a part of my body hurts quite a bitRecognizing it’s not the only thing happening in the body is quite helpfulAnchoring my sense of self in the multitudinous harmonies that keep me aliveHeart and lungs, stomach and liver, muscle and skeleton all coordinating like sections in an orchestraAnd the conductor, who I previously considered the thinking mindTurns out to be the pulse of life itselfMoving through this gift from earth and ancestorFluent in the ancient languages and the fragrance of the presentI believe the body reads the breath the way the mind reads a newspaperAnd would be fascinated to have cognitive understanding of the multitude of exchanges in each breathBut, it’s too much information for cognitionAnd just the right amount of information for evolutionary participationSo in expanding identification of self throughout the fullness of the bodyDistinction between self and world becomes more fluidI have come to experience identity as a relational exchange more than a structural constantAnd the more I play with itThe more I can notice subtle, unconscious tensing in my calfOr bask in the expansion in my chest when I encounter a flowerAnd how that echoes down to my toes and beyondIt feels ironic that the physical aspect of life which for so many years I considered an impedimentBecame my threshold This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

There’s a tangerine tree in my gardenIt’s speckled with hundreds of squat neon ballsWhen we moved in, they were still green and many had brown spots from the sunBut now they are bright orange and very few show their burn scarsThis is a beautiful tree and looking at it brings me joy every dayIt is the centerpiece of the yardAnd it anchors the surrounding trees and bushesI just love itBut, also true: I’ve got a citrus sensitivity bordering on allergyIf I eat much citrus, my mouth breaks out in painful ulcers that take ages to healSo I can appreciate this tree, but I can’t engage with its fruit muchAnd today I realized how much that tree and I have in commonThis is a healthy tree, resplendently bearing its giftsIn a specific moment wherein its gifts are lovely but indigestibleI imagine in the 20 years this tree has lived here, it has been more fully appreciatedAnd will be againBut this moment? At this moment its fruit is not meeting a needStill, it grows. It does its thing. It keeps fulfilling its natural expressionBirds eat the fruit. It’s quite charming. It’s like a living bird feederBut there is simply more fruit than my little ecosystem can receiveSo, I cut some off from time to time and give some to a friend or take them to the shelterI don’t want the tree to stop producing simply because I can’t keep up with its fruitBut I do imagine a situation where each fruit is treasured and not a burdenI mean, the fruit of this tree is sweet and deliciousIt comes in a little package that keeps it fresh and portable, and then in sections perfect for sharingTo a dry mouth, this fruit is mannaTo a hungry stomach, a most welcome reprieveBut for meA mismatchEven though both parties are earnest and doing our bestI sat with this tree this morning appreciating its resilience and beauty and natural, generative creativityFeeling guilty for not thrilling at its offeringIt seemed nonplussedMy citrus allergy isn’t its failureAnd while picking its fruit helps next year’s harvestIt seems perfectly in rhythm with what is happening nowIt will have many cycles in its lifeMany neighbors who each will have a different response to its beingThis tree is beautiful and responsive to its environmentWater, Sun, me, the birdsIt will adapt and adjust and liveIt doesn’t seem to be neurotic about itIt’s not producing its fruit to feed meIt’s producing fruit because that is what happens when life moves through itNot titrating its output based on responseI have a lot to learn from this treeAnd I’m grateful nature school is always in session. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

I had an epiphany on the Epiphany, January 6All these years, especially this last year,I’ve been looking for a job for my values instead of for my skillsThe window I’d been flying into, trying to break throughHas been the self-development/ecological stewardship/social justice (collective trauma healing) world“I’d do anything” to help in this world. See me. Let me help!Slam into the window again.But when that epiphany about values and skills revealed itselfMonetizing my values was never going to workMy values are my orientationAnd I’m happy to have them as the active engines in my lifeMy skills are monetizable labor.I really couldn’t distill my skills these many monthsAnd the only thing I was really listing was partnership managementBut, partnership management isn’t a skill - it’s a delivery postureThe skills are underneath itSo I started thinking about my actual and natural skills, not what I can doSo my skills:Organizing strategy into workable plansNavigating bureaucracyTalking to people other people find intimidatingSoftening any room I walk intoThese are things people need.And as soon as I sussed that outA picture began to formTaking into account my daily rhythmsWhat I think is funWhat I can confidently doThe market I live inAnd you know what?I have a business idea.I’m not going to write about it here todayBut it’s the best I’ve felt in yearsI don’t want to get a jobI want to provide a service that people need and are willing to pay money forAnd I know who can identify those people most readilyAnd it’s a small group to market to.So.It’s too early to tellBut this epiphany changed everythingMy values are the soil in which this skill-seed offering can growAnd I’m going to focus on marketing my skills to perform a specific service to a specific marketAnd do you want to know the funny part?All my desire to be a reminder to slow down, sense into the body and this momentThis service removes a problemWhich should naturally and somatically help the client to have a broader foundation of rest and ease.So, same resultTotally different approachBecause the universe is funny that way. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

My guiding word for 2025 was “Reverence”It was both a resource and a lot of pressureWhich shouldn’t surprise me, because as I learn to appreciate the Divine in AllI often have to expand my idea of something to include its oppositeDichotemies seem to be the double helix of progressWhether soothing or pressure, Reverence kept inviting me to bowTo trust that the Divine is expressing in every aspectAnd, that is humbling, sometimes confusing, and sometimes completely ignoredBut, I really, really wanted to honor that which I encountered and my commitment to honoring itAnd overall, I’d say I did so-soBut I’m glad for every time Reverence came to mindJust the thought of it softens my edgesBut this year I couldn’t choose a wordAlthough my friend chose Wonder and I was like, Oh, that’s a good oneIt took me 2 weeks to really distill what I’d like to be both my rudder and my north star for 2026I toyed with Surrendering to the Life that is Naturally Moving Through MeBecause I want Nature and Her Intelligence and Her Motion front and centerAnd who I think of as me deferring to Her as my orientationI repeatedly had great experiences of this during the holidaysWhen I could press pause on the stressors I’ve been actively jugglingIntentional relaxation made space to just participateNot to plan or construct or generateBut to allow the natural flow of the day and my companionsTo shape a series of unknowns into meaningful moments I could just receiveI am so tired of trying to make things happenAnd when I stop doing that, Life can happen to and with meMy choice is to let Life choose.And so my mantra for 2026 will be “Let Life Live”I like it because it’s got 2 facesOne is a reminder to let what is outside of me evolve without my judgmentAnd the other is an invitation to drop my internal resistance so life can live through meThis is the orientation I want as my north star.My brother-in-law would occasionally call something: “A lot of stir and no biscuits”When he thought it was a lot of work with no visible payoffI spent a lot of 2025 stirring, and there were indeed no biscuitsBut soil was cultivated, and priorities shiftedMaking the intention to let go of the reinsAnd have Life do the guidingIrresistable This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

One job that did not materialize for me was for a Dark Retreat companyWeirdly enough, a body worker I love had suggested spending time in the dark just a few months before I met these folksJust be in the dark, he said, not meditating or chanting, just beI’d been practicing it, with towels at the doorjamb of my bathroomAnd quite liked itSpeaking with friends, I learned of several who had done multiple days in darknessAnd found it extraordinarily meaningfulLiz Gilbert had just done a piece on her first dark retreatSo, to hear of a company providing dark retreats at resorts around the world,I was intriguedSeemed timelyBut, not every person can or should be left for days in the dark on purposeI imagined they had a serious intake form, and local mental health resourcesNope.My skepticism didn’t do me any favors, but being that I would’ve been OpsIt was a responsibility I wasn’t willing to assume, which didn’t rattle them at all, they just moved onDays in darkness is a repeated ceremonial ritual across spiritual traditionsIt’s just not for the faint of heartReading the next segment of The Aquarian GospelAfter receiving the scroll of SincerityJesus was left for days in the darkI recognized it as a rite in a way I hadn’t beforeBut then, one evening, again, two men enter through a heretofore unseen doorThey have little lanterns, and once again ask Jesus to follow them~We used to be priests here. This place is crazy. These priests are nuts. You won’t find what you’re looking for here, there is some creepy stuff going on. Follow us, we know the caverns, we can lead you out~Once again, Jesus wasn’t having it.“Your little tapers show the light you bring.”And he goes on to continue the theme of my misunderstood but deeply relevant“I don’t follow fear”But with a spin of: ~why would I judge these people based on your experience and not my own?I didn’t come here looking for anything. I’m not participating in these rites to become more blessed - we’re all all the way blessed all the time by the light of God, unless we give our minds to deceit, which is what you’re asking of me. You know where the door is, use it.~And that was how Jesus earned the second scrollThe scroll of Justice.Not taking someone’s prejudice on as your ownTrusting your experience and your own knowingNot being deterred by naysayersI was a naysayer for the dark retreat company, which was true for me and my risk assessmentDoesn’t mean they shouldn’t do itJust means I shouldn’t do itWe get to make choicesAnd we should make them through our own knowingNot someone else’sWe need each otherWe each have a role to playBest to follow the ones that ignite our inner lightNot wave us forward with dim little lamplights This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

You may recall, 125 posts or so ago, I discussed my extremely productive misunderstanding ofThe Aquarian Gospel of Jesus the ChristIn the story, Jesus arrives to a sacred temple essentially to take the test to get the title of the ChristAnd once settled, a couple of men secret into his room and say,“The temple masters are jealous and plan to kill you. Play along until we can break you out”And for two decades at least, I interpreted Jesus’ response as,“You come asking me to follow you in fear. Fear doesn’t motivate me. Go ahead, be on your way”And that story realigned my thinking 1,000 timesReminding me not to move from fearBut, as it turns out, I had the story wrong all along, and hadn’t noticed until rereading to write the Sincerity ScrollWhat actually happened was:These guys encouraged Jesus to play along, pretending to be copacetic but planning to leaveAnd Jesus was like, “How dare you ask me to lie”Which is a related but distinct admonitionSo, bonus for meI got the very valuable lesson of my original understanding “I do not act from fear”The precise lesson of the actual intention of the story “I will not deceive”And some meta lessons about the fallibility of interpretation, openness of mind even when you think you know, and happy accidentsAll of them useful and contributory.I love The Aquarian Gospel because it humanizes Jesus and demonstrates divinity through choicesAnd that the title of the Christ was waiting for someone to actually live into, not bestowedIt’s one of those books that I still carry even though it’s kind of a slog to readWhen I published “The Sincerity Scroll” my dear mother commented“Please do more stories like this”Four months later, here I am, finally fulfilling that request.There were seven scrolls awarded Jesus in accomplishing the title of the Christ in this tellingAnd here as we march towards ChristmasI’m planning on retelling the circumstances of each of the scrolls next weekTo remind myself and inspire all of usAbout how simple choices distinguish a life lived in connection and integrityFrom a life navigating fear and positioningI think we’re faced with tiny choices every dayAnd we all do our best to choose wiselySo remembering that wisdom is alignment to loveNot constructed resultFeels timely for me, and I hope for youBecause as cool as it would be to turn water into wineLiving fully aligned to loveIs something we can doChoice by choice This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

I don’t have a lot of specific, major regretsHaving married the wrong person, taken a meaningful wrong turnI mean, I’ve made plenty of odd or suboptimal decisionsThere are plenty of things I’ve said I wish I had crafted more intentionally to land more beneficiallyBut I’ve softened my approach through my mistakesAnd while it doesn’t erase the errors, it does parlay them into something contributorySo regret isn’t something that bogs me down tremendouslyI am curious about what would have happened if I had made different choices, thoughI just finished Matt Haig’s “The Midnight Library” for the second timeWhich proposes a space between life and death where you can join the life of the version of you that made a different choiceAt any choice pointThe first book you encounter is the book of regretsTo give you a jumping off point to look at what you may want to have changedThen, the consciousness you know as you lands in a body of a version of you that made different choicesIt’s a quick and pleasant readVery life positive, including the nitty gritty hard partsAnd offers a reflective invitationThat has me looking back at my lifeAnd my most accessible regret is‘I wish I hadn’t worried so much when life was happening”I know the feeling of worry has dampened the light that was availableWith all my practices, I do ok, but there was a LOT of unnecessary worry in thereAnd while I can’t do anything to change how it wasI can let how it was inform how much I let anxiety in nowAnd I notice anxiety has a very specific physical signature in meI take on a posture where my head comes forward, chin upMy shoulders curve inwardThe small of my back roundsIf I interrupt that pattern when I recognize itIt stops the trainAnd if I begin shifting my posture with what I know about deep alignmentI can spend several minutes completely removed from the original worry as I explore my body organizationAdd a few breaths, and it’s a different person encountering the worryA person who knows how to put it downOr at least not give it carte blancheAnd a person curious about how energy is moving (or not) through my physical structureAnd that is better than must-see-TV (a phrase I don’t believe represents a truth)But, I guess I’m lucky that I find the subtle sensations of posture and energy fascinatingIn this version of my life at leastAnd when I bring my attention to the present and how my body is organizedI think I’m unwinding old tensions that I allowed to accumulate and literally shape meI’m not only relaxed and willing to becomeI’m setting myself up to reduce my recurring regret of, “I wish I hadn’t worried so much”Even when there’s a lot to worry aboutReplacing it with awareness, curiosity, receptivityRegret, worry, and anxiety have much less stickiness here. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

I’ve been tasked with composing a single sentence description of ‘what I do’Never have I felt more verbose and less clearWhat do I stand for? What do I want to say?I stand for so many thingsChief among them, remembering our wholeness (which is immediately fractured by naming a slice)Connection, Interdependence, a context of becomingWhile fully imperfect at it myself, I’ve made tremendous advancesBy slowing downInhabiting and identifying as the whole of myselfExpanding my sense of self beyond my thinkingAccepting a dynamic role in the complex web of lifeIt includes spirituality, somatics, psychology, ecology, social and economic justiceThe whole thing is about relationshipsAnd approaching all of our relationships, including our relationship with ourselvesWith openness and curiosity, not labelsA nimble readiness to meet the moment anewFeeling the subtle and natural resources supporting us, despite very real challengesAcknowledging those challengesAnd having a relationship with life that believes we can meet themWith curiosity, creativity & collaborationI believe I have a unique capacity to listen inside a context of becomingAnd reflect the wholeness taking shape even in what feels like fragmentationI know we need each other to remind each other of our light and life’s potentialHow do I put this into a sentence?I get that it would be helpfulMuch like staring at a counter full of colorful, perfect vegetablesAnd not wanting to cut them up to make a soupBut a girl’s gotta eat…All these words… so many wordsIdeas and contexts and practices and remembrancesWant to breath and flow, swirl and intermixI know that whatever sentence I come up with doesn’t have to be “it”But I sure would like it to represent the heart of my devotionIt’s just that my devotion is so bigUtterly unified but wildly diverseThe tagline of this Substack is “daily chronicles of a resourced life in crisis”Because that was true I’ve had many people say “you’ve got to change that phrase: it’s not what it is at all”But i have yet to receive a suggestion for what it actually isI don’t like labels. I think labels are a huge part of our collective problemsTaglines can be fun, but I have yet to come up with one that settles my nervous systemThat sets the field I want to live and work withinAnd so, I continue to float without landingBut I’m tired, and I do want to land.“Remembering wholeness as life emerges through us” is what I’ve come up with so farBut it needs more -How this remembrance chips away at anxiety, recontextualizes pain, and connects usThe role of nature, of our bodies, of our approachThe sacredness of inquiry, presence, and restHere I am with a whole lot of words, and yet not much closerThanks for witnessingAnd if you have any ideas, recipes for vegetable soupI’m wide open This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

My favorite at-home retreat is a 45/15 schedule45 minutes of activity followed by 15 minutes of active rest, all. day. long.It’s beautiful.The first time I did it, I set myself up with timers.Activity. Alarm. Laying. Alarm. Activity. Alarm. Laying. AlarmIt took about 5 hours to sync up with the rhythmAnd then I didn’t need the timers - the pace became naturalTidying and laundry, and then laying down.Then I’d get hungry and get up to make a snack, at which point the laundry was doneAfter which I laid down again, paying attention to my sensations, maybe writing, maybe reading, but mostly laying and breathing and noticing my bodyAt which point, the doorbell would ring…What I’m trying to say is that after just a few hours, my day would reveal itself to me in that rhythm, where I would actually get quite a lot done, but I would also be very rested and grounded.I’ve used it in preparation for holidays which is amazing, because I think I have too much to do to have time for restBut getting the rest actually gets the stuff done, tooAnd I feel goodToday, I noticed that same invitation - my day offering itself in a pattern of activity and restAnd I’m so gratefulOne thing leads to another and to another, and then to the couchThen an activity arises, and another and another, and then out to the bench in the sunThe sun becomes too much, and the cycle starts again, and I think ‘I want to do this every day’Because I stop directing my day and let it reveal itself to meMy typical overlay of my perspective and opinions and ideas about what I must doMakes way to listen and move from that listeningQuite an upgrade to my experienceMy thinking mind says I’m being irresponsibleMy lived experience watches things get done between rest periodsAnd acquiescesMy cognitive mind doesn’t quite receive messages from staring at a bush for 10 minutes (I believe some people do)But my body is getting more messages than I know how to translateMy nervous system is having a very different time than it does when i’m plotting my next action or evaluating my progressNature is speaking, alwaysListening isn’t only cognitiveListening does not need to translate what it hearsTo shape my energy fieldThere’s a quote attributed to Alan Alda that says “true listening is letting yourself be changed by the other person”I want to be changed by nature, tooThat my wordless receptivity to wordless expressions of life living dynamically in the present momentAlign me with the heartbeat of nature and all of her beingsLord knows listening in this day and age must be curatedThe noise is loud. Everyone’s sharing their point of view. We all have visions of the worldBut the world itself, that’s what I want to pay attention toNot assessments or predictionsAnd when I listen to the voices in our culture inviting us into deeper relationship with the pulse of nature in all of her expressionsThe ‘horizontal download’ of light from these sources shapes meListening is a privilege and a pleasureWhich is a welcome counterbalanceTo the equally true atrocities also happening everywhereI like to listen to Philip Shepherd and Tara Brach and Thomas HublAnd let that listening shape me - and shape me it doesYet it’s my own body and my own back yard where the shaping is most preciseListeningActing from that listeningRestingIt’s a beautiful pacingAnd time for me to go lay down… This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

We’re funny when we’re defensiveRidiculous may be a better wordWe’re all trying so hardWe want to be acknowledged for the intelligence in our effortsEven when they’re fruitless or ineffectiveThere is intelligence thereAnd careAnd that is a beautiful thingAnd we’re protective of itAn inner allegianceThe result isn’t nearly as important as the care put into a macaroni necklaceWhen a kid presents a macaroni necklace to youThey know it’s not just what it looks like that mattersThey know the care they put into it is part of the giftAnd should it be received with criticismIt doesn’t feel like the macaroni necklace that’s being judgedBut the maker and the careThere’s a dynamic here that I’m interested inHow tenderly we hold our inner being who is trying so hardAnd how inadequate we can simultaneously find that same inner beingThere is a story in HinduismThat Brahma wanted to extend divinity to humansBut when humans walked around as gods, they abused itSo he had to hide it, so that it would be realized only when approached with humility and careThere was much discussion among the gods about where to hide divinity“Shall we hide it at the top of the highest mountain?”No, humans are industrious. They will find and climb that mountain.Shall we hide it in the bottom of the deepest ocean?No, humans are determined. They will conquer the ocean at any cost to seize the treasure.Where shall we hide it then?At some length, Brahma came to a decision, “I will hide it deep in the center of their own being. They will never think to look there. For those who do, the excavation will soften them to honor the heart of all of life”We know this treasure is within usDefensiveness comes up when something sacred feels unrecognizedI’ve felt it, and I’ve seen it - and bowing to the inner divinity diffuses the constrictionYet, settling in to know our sacredness is a little harder sell for most of usWe seem to be hardwired to look for divinity outside of ourselves or at least at the end of some achievementWhich is sad in a host of ways, but I believe basically simply an expression of our social natureOur need to reflect and be reflectedThe outer world isn’t the place to discover our divinityBut the place to watch it dance, sing, and evolve.So, I’m trying to receive those moments of defensivenessAs a reminder of the divinity within meThat doesn’t require my defensiveness but my own acknowledgementThe heart of divinity within my own heartSovereign and inherently connectedAlignment to the divinity withinAligns me to the divinity in allA place where success doesn’t come from conquering or achievingBut from feeling and participatingA witness to the wonderA macaroni necklaceHeld with the value of the crown jewels This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

The Vedanta Society was formed around an exemplar named Ramakrishna in the late 1800’sOnce, one of his disciples was on a ferry and heard people disparaging the saintWhen he got to the ashram, Ramakrishna scolded him“You can listen to people speak falsehood about me and say nothing? What do I mean to you? You must defend the truth with all your strength!”Months later, another devotee came across some folks being pretty unkind about RamakrishnaAnd he let them have it, “How dare you! I know this man as you do not and I will defend his honor with my every breath.”When he got back to the ashram, Ramakrishna scolded him“You don’t need to defend me. Let people think what they will, it’s none of your business”The disciple was confused. In fact, all of the students were confused“But you said…”“Yes, there is not one answer for all beingsI don’t give one direction to each of youBut speak to the development of each individual’s character and spiritual dispositionTom is too timid, he has not found the fire of his devotion and must stoke itSpeaking up for that which he loves will cultivate that important traitJerry’s got no problem with fire, his center needs the cool flow of surrenderThese are not contradictions but prescriptionsThere are as many roads to God as there are human heartsAnd each heart is unique and requires different interventions to realize its true nature”I love this story because it makes perfect sense -Of course you respond in the moment to the needs of the momentTo the individual about the individualBut it also speaks to this human proclivity ofWanting to know the hard and reliable answer so i can play by the rules and do it right.We keep looking for standards, when what we need is sensitivityWe are uncomfortable with what Philip Shepherd calls “the vagaries of the feminine”The feminine will never predict or label you, she meets you exactly as you are in this specific encounterWe want the hard answers of the masculine with clear lines and things to doBut life is only kindof like that - we really need dexterity with bothRemember in The Sound of Music when the children had to be in line all the time with short, choppy answers, all treated the same,The Captain trying to mould them all into rigid, predictable versions of themselvesAnd how they seemed a bit meanAnd then Maria came with the arts and creativity, noticing their unique talents and interests, and they began to thrive individually and as a group?I swoon about MariaThen act like the CaptainI want the quirky, creative, laughter, but I also want it to come in clear, straight linesOh, sweet human heart. Breathe. Relax, and remember.Left foot, right foot. We are built for this.Luckily, we have remindersLuckily, Life invites us again and again to get to know itAnd if we slow down just a pinchWe get our own, sweet, personalized invitationCome, bring your strengths to meet your vulnerabilitiesTo be in real relationship with ourselves, each other, life, and God.photocredit: one of the students at the Sunday School program at the Ramakrishna Monastery in Trabuco Canyon California in March 2019 This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

I can’t remember what prompted me, in meditation one day, to shift my upward and outward orientation of devotion by 90 degreesBut it’s one of my favorite remembrancesAlways, I prayed up and out, to the Light, to heaven, transcendent and supremeEven when I knew God Is Everywhere, still I had some sense of preference for an “up there’ home baseIllness shifted me down and in, and that has been a stunningly robust and experiential orientationBut this 90 degree business was really interestingWhen my north star shifts to the horizonI am always walking toward GodAnd God is inhabiting the fullness of the landscapeThe throne itself is on this planeHeaven is right here.And in this orientation, God’s intermediaries are also right hereAngels don’t have to come down from on high in metaphysical interventionAngels can sit down for a cup of coffee, share a story, write a bookWhile I know and can feel my central core and sometimes can sense the light coming from the verticalThis orientation has me know and sense light coming from the horizontal as just as potentAnd far more accessibleIn addition to the wholeness of the beauty of nature as divine emissary on this planeWe become the conduits of God for each otherThe kind wordThe timely insightThe loving actThese horizontal downloads come at us from every angle all the timeBut like everything, are more potent when noticed and appreciatedAnd when we look at the symbology of the crossIt’s the intersection of the vertical flow and the horizontal flow where our heart sitsThe symbol does not prioritize the vertical as the place of holiness, but this meeting pointThere’s a lovely practice from Access ConsciousnessWhere you bring your greatest longing as a crystal into your heartAnd you just amp up this little crystal full of your highest vision of this longing fulfilledThe sensory attributes, the narrative, just the ideal expression of what it is you really want in full bloomAnd the crystal grows and glows and begins to spinAnd as you continue to fill it with aspiration and intentPoof! It has so much energy it explodesAnd while the original crystal shard remains in your heartIts fragments have blown out into the world for you to discoverDistributed throughout time and space still holding the light and vibration of your longingYour inner crystal will know when it meets another shard - they’ll both light up in recognitionMagnetized to each other as they areAnd meet them you willOut in the world, where they sit shining in nature, in people, in experiences and eventsWaiting for you to discover, recognize, and receiveAs you walk, open and knowing, across this horizontal plane. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

Surely you’ve heard Alexander Den Heijer’s wise and wonderful:“When the flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower”I’ve had no problem at all applying this to broad issues of the dayIt’s at the heart of trauma-informed careBut it really never occurred to me that it could apply to my life and situation.Today, I was in Thomas Hübl’s community call which is always chock full of wisdom, acceptance and careHe never tires of finding new ways to explain and explore the universal principles inviting us to wholenessAnd I’ll need to watch the recording to pinpoint when I realized I needed to raise my handBut the dynamic was this:As we are willing to be present, curious, and caring, we integrate and things flowAnd I was like:Excuse me. I am so very present and so very curious and pretty dang caring and things are very much not flowingHe asked what that not flowing felt likeAnd I said, well, it’s like i can see what you’re talking about, but there’s a big glass wall I cannot breachSo, of course, he asked about the wall and what it felt like when I encountered itTo which I replied: it feels like a bird hitting a window. Hard stop. Equally dangerous fall.So, he led me on some exploration of the nature of the wall (grief, sadness)And I realized a couple of things:One: I used to be really impatient. Especially with patient people. Come on, folks, get with the program.Then I developed patience, and recognized its many giftsBut guess whatI also have maybe been using patience as avoidanceI’m not saying for sure, I’m just saying it doesn’t sound entirely falseAnd I have to take a couple of breaths and sigh just saying thatBecause patience was hard won, and is wonderful, and is maybe sometimes also a crutchSigh.The other thing I realized is that I have been a bird flying into a window trying to figure out what I have to do differently to get through the window.Not my best choice.But even naming that dynamic has a little freedom in itLike, anthropomorphizing a flower, the moment the flower realizes it’s not exclusively responsible for its lack of bloomingThere’s relief in thereAnd then, quite clearly, some work to do, shifts to makeBut very different attention than the nonfunctional infinity loop I’ve been in.So, I’m very happy for the experienceVery happy for the nascent sensations of space and reliefAnd curious about how that space and relief may expand as I meet my inner walls in new waysYou know, not just smashing up against themWondering what’s wrong with meWishing things were differentMaybe I can open that windowMaybe I can fly in a different directionIt remains to be seenI’m just happy the pattern’s interrupted This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

Ninth grade English probably taught me the difference between jealousy and envyBut it didn’t stickI just wrote a whole post on jealousyAnd in speaking to my sister learned that what I’d written about wasn’t jealousy at all!Humbling, but wonderful, to always be learning.So, as you probably already know, jealousy is fearing losing something you have to someone elseWhich makes sense now with jealous husbands and the term jealously guardingEnvy is wanting something someone else hasSo, now that I’m using the proper terminology:I attended a seminar in maybe 2013 by a woman named Sheva CarrIt was very good in a lot of waysBut my biggest takeaway was this:When you covet what someone else hasThat’s a sure sign of your values - there is something in there informing you what you truly wantAnd something about the way she offered it landed it right in my heartAnd this teaching actually made me appreciate when others had something that evoked a response in meAllowing me to be truly happy for them, and grateful for their holding something up to let me know I wanted it too.And that has been a very nice relationship with witnessing others’ successUntil this week.For the first time in I-don’t-know-how-long, but a long timeI was reading a book, and I got angry, envious, with a knot of frustrated tension in my heartIt was an awful feelingSomeone had recommended Jen Hatmaker’s book Awake, chronicling her divorce, split from evangelicalism and shift to social justice advocacy.In it, she talks about being coerced into hosting a woman’s group at her husband’s church years agoAnd how she immediately loved it and it became her thing, and now she has 13 books, etc., etc., etc.Do you know how many women’s groups I’ve started?At least 15. Spiritual circles, creative spaces, health support groups, so many groups.I immediately loved it, tooBut she has 13 books, and I cannot buy myself shoesShe was even allowed to completely change her tune, and she is flourishing professionallyAnd I am flailingAnd it got me. I felt angry and envious. And it felt awful, but I couldn’t stop it.I looked for brokenheartedness under it, but that’s not what I feltWhat I could find was a tender, patient, ‘that’s not your journey’And an inner plea, “then take me to my journey!”And a wisened, “you’re on your journey”And my anger downgraded to frustrationAnd my envy went back to: I guess that’s showing me what I really want.But, boy, has it been uncomfortableWhat’s funny is:Just a few days later, a friend got bad news at work on a Friday, filled out some online applications, and got another offer on MondayI was wowed by her badasseryAnd I was humbled, and even a bit ashamed that my experience bears no resemblence to hersBut I wasn’t envious at allBut truly delighted that she just showed me that it can even happen that wayHonestly, it surprised me at a biological levelThat having found this negative emotion around someone else’s successIt didn’t apply to the most obvious, immediate exampleIt is relieving, thoughTo be genuinely happy for someone who had what I would also likeI prefer that energy, for sureAs I continue to learn about myselfAnd the worldAnd the English languageThat life is subtle and complex, simple and surprisingAnd it’s reassuring to knowThere’s always more to learn! This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

I could spend the next six days getting more and more granular about all of the ways life is supporting meI don’t think I could fill thirty minutes listing the ways I feel life is not supporting meOh, I know I’ve filled many hours complaining about itBut it’s really just a small handful of things. Important things, far-reaching things, but just a few of themObjectively, it is astonishing that I continue to spend an inordinate amount of timePaying attention to the 10 things that aren’t going my way, compared to the 9,532 things that definitively areMy daughter’s first report card contained over 40 “Outstanding” marks and 3 “Satisfactory” onesWhich do you think she focused on?Where do you think she got that proclivity?This weekend of Thanksgiving accentuated the broad highways of gratitude coursing through my lifeOnly a few of which are under construction or closed for repairAnd I can muster a little tenderness for the part of me stopped at the closed exit thinking this is the only way for me to goInstead of moving into the flow of the wide open roadWhat is it that stays banging my fist on the closed gate?Who knows, perhaps the gate will openThere’s no ‘right’ way to move through life, but there sure are softer waysAnd that softness starts on the insideThe tenor of the conversation starts on the inside.Why is it that we can be so hard on ourselves?Why has hard work and discipline become more revered than support and encouragement?It’s a weird dynamic, and part of the signature of this current moment in history.When my daughter wanted to go to college, we had to make a transcriptBecause she only went to 7 weeks of high school, we had only the barest frame to start withShe was convinced she’d done nothing of value that could be counted towards a meaningful transcriptObviously she hadBut because it didn’t come in all of the prescribed, inspected, and dated packages of the common experienceIt was easy to pretend all those benefits and experiences weren’t quantifiable or didn’t existBut they did exist. They developed naturally and instinctively and to the exact degree of interest and usefulness.It’s like this gorgeous meadow of experience not getting counted because we’re counting only roses and dahlias as valid or importantThere is a moment when we stop making life come to us in roses and dahliasAnd the tidal wave of beauty becomes available where once there was a feeling of lackMy daughter did eventually develop her free-range experience into a valid transcriptNot a single college questioned itAnd now her cycle has come around to making her established curriculum-based college experienceMeaningful for employersA no less formidable taskBut it’s just a challenge of the dayIn a life being constantly supported and upheld by air and nourishment and biological processesConstantly singing the song of belonging and careA song I hum along to, even as I sometimes bang my head against my circumstancesToday, I will focus on the melody This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

Landscaping makes me feel guiltyI’m sensitive to all the life that’s been pulled out of its natural habitatTo be organized to please somebody, to look a certain way, even perform a functionIt is rare that i actually sense a plant is really unhappy with its locationThey’re so good at blooming where they’re plantedBut some of my closest friends have been treesAnd one of the things I shared with those trees felt like a certain lonelinessNot that they couldn’t be themselves out there on their own - they wereBut there may have been a biological preference for community these trees never got the chance to knowScience shows trees know their kinBut a lone tree in a broad meadow can only know its kin remotelyCan’t feel it the same way as sharing direct nutrientsThere’s such a nice satisfaction in sharing with those we loveMany of us would like to do it more often, but aren’t quite set up for itHow many of us are living outside of our biologically encoded expectations of communityAnd, the questions I always ask myself when I get that uncomfortable feeling around landscapingAre “what is my true, natural habitat? Does it exist? Could I even go there if I knew where it was?”I’ve yet to come up with a satisfying answerBut it seems to swirl me around a center of kinship, community, and place I find elusiveThis correlates with my conflict about zoosWe went to a wonderful zoo on Saturday, and learned a ton about their admirable conservation effortsBut I still struggle watching an eagle or a jaguar in an enclosure.These beings have hundreds-of-mile territoriesAnd while not having to worry about the next meal takes away much of the struggle for survivalFreedom feels like its own reward, and without it, it’s hard to quantify the harmI imagine different species, and different individuals, have more resilienceThere were a bunch of wallaby’s that looked clinically depressed.When instinct butts up against circumstances, or in this case protective netting, it’s hard to know how to thriveBut the simple fact is: human, animal or plantWe don’t always get to pick our circumstances.But, we are wired to live, to grow, and to adaptMy discomfort with constructed environments is itself a constructSetting acceptable conditions for thrivingWhen life demonstrates remarkable adaptability and innovationI want to be respectful and loving towards all of life, and not interfere for my own amusement or benefitBut mostly I want to take nature’s reliable exampleI want to bloom here, where I amEvery environment is divineAnd I do not need to know the cosmic purpose of my being at this place at this timeBut my flourishing here is a prayer of thanksI would very much like to feel and offer. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

I think it’s fairly proven that we have complex energy centers in the brain, heart, and gutBrains think. It’s what they do. But it’s not all that’s happening.Hearts beat. Relentlessly. The defining motion of life.And the pelvic bowl contains our center of gravity and moves us within the worldThese three centers work togetherBut for decades I really only identified with my thoughts. Especially the spiritual ones.Then, one day, I moved the locus of my attention into my heartIt was a revelationMy brain was still chattering aboutBut with my sense of identity in the heart, which doesn’t think, it wasn’t ‘me’The only way I can describe it, is like if a master goes into a sanctuary, the servants may be chatting at the doors, but they don’t disturb him. They are not the focus of his attention.When thinking recedes, being’s natural sensing lens is in reciprocity with all of life‘Who I am’ becomes significantly bigger and how I encounter the world is far more resourced and curiousThe distribution of identity throughout the body exchanges thoughts for experiences— an upgrade of the highest orderIt is not just what I focus on but who I think is doing the focusingWhen my identity is packed in my headMy experience is lackingNot, as my head is so sure, because my environment/conditions/circumstances are lackingBut because I am only bringing a part of my whole being to the partyI am not experiencing my life as my whole self, sometimes barely a thirdI begin the experience of wholeness when I experience myself as the whole of my vertical axis.Head/heart/gut is the staircase into a simultaneous fieldFlourishing through attention as identityAnd, as one, generating receptive, aware, multidimensional habitationThe trinity within us. One being in three aspects. Simultaneously.We’re not stuck in one, occasionally giving time to another out of the beneficence of that one,But whole.Feeling our way through the world as we encounter this momentAnd letting thoughts arise, but not emcee.Paid subscribers will receive my original identity expansion meditation on Sunday. I hope you enjoy it. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

You can’t think and feel at the same timeYou can move between them very quicklyBut they take turns.Or perhaps more precisely, our attention takes turnsIf your attention is on one, it is not doing the otherBut sensing is foundationalThinking happens within the body of our experienceAnd when thinking gets constant airtimeWe miss a lotI considered feeling as introspective thoughts about what I was sensing for a long timeKind of a narrative about a sensation and what I think might’ve caused itAnd I continue to catch myself thinking about feeling instead of feelingUntil I remember this maximAnd as soon as I do, worlds open upBecause not only do I access the actual feeling state of my beingBut I become naturally aware of and involved in my environmentWhich I am a part of and it is a part of meThe environment was so often a silent partnerNot because it’s silent, but because it gets sacrificed on the altar of thinking about it as an “it” instead of as a “we” even though we share the actual breath of life constantlyModern culture encourages us to forget, incentivizing individual productivity and commodifying environment when considered at all.But breath by breath, I can rememberSense into the air as it touches my skin… in one place, then all around my bodyAnd then how that feels to the whole of my being, initiated by the skin sensation but distributedEvery breath forms and dissolves a dynamic series of relationships that cascade throughout our beingsAn ever-shifting Etch-a-sketch, like a murmuration of starlingsUs and our environment fully comingledWhile the brain loves repetition, the body knows no two moments are the same and listens to this momentWhich reveals ever-changing sensory responseTo which I often quickly attach a storyThat can be wonderful or horrible, but is almost always a diversionWhen identity resides solely in the head, of course I’m thinking: it’s the currency of the realmBut thoughts are only ever part of what’s happeningFeeling is a whole other world from thinkingThe more the better, but even a little goes a long way.(photo credit: Daniel Biber) This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

Planning my timing for our Thanksgiving mealI am awed and humbled by the vast orchestration of lifeIt feels like advanced math to determine the cadence of 10 items in 1 oven with 3 temperaturesWhile life synchronizes billions of species over 8 biomes in 4 seasons on this planet aloneCuriously, it’s relaxing meWe are part of something so big and so precise and so unpredictable and yet so structuredThe details of my life which seem so importantAre like the finest hairs on a babyA baby who, like us, has a dozen critical organ systems hosting trillions of bacteriaAll helping her discover her hands or spit out her oatmealFor a similarly complex puppy to lick up off the floorThe enormity of the miracle is beyond comprehensionThe intricacy of the relationships is mesmerizing and bafflingWhile the absurdity of human events can have me shaking my headThe effusiveness of nature’s creativity has me falling to my kneesWhen I get stuck, it’s usually because I’m trying to position myself within the constructs of cultureWhen I need to receive myself within the expanse of creationSize-wise, we are the midpoint between the cosmic and the microbialWorlds we are just beginning to discoverThat I can sit and plan a dinner in this wild world of wonderIs as much a fractal as a fern leafAnd the thousands of elements that make this dinner possibleFrom seed to sprout, grower to market and all their component partsComing together, sometimes well, sometimes comicallyIn millions of homes simultaneously yet no two the sameWhile millions of other homes do completely different things that dayIt really is too big to fathom - and somehow that helpsBecause even with cascading complexity and dazzling relationshipsThe incalculable number of things happening right now this second in every spot on earthBirths and deaths, hunting and sleeping, disruptions, restorations, every kind of experience for every kind of organismSimultaneouslyThe shows us unequivocallyAs complex as it is“The total number of minds in the universe is one” This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

The very first time I noticed a chronic tension in my bodyWas before my college freshman was bornIt finally came to my attention that I squinched my toes whenever I stood at my sinkLike, really clenched them, bringing my whole center of gravity forward and on top of anxietyEvery time I stood at my sinkWhich is often when you’re a young motherI began trying to remember to notice, release them, and shift my postureA Course in Miracles trained me into regular awareness snacks throughout the daySo I remembered oftenStill, it was a full year before I checked in and my toes were not tense at the sinkThen they were just tense 80% of the times I checked in, a few months later 50%Probably two more years before I reliably had relaxed feet at the sink.As soon as I got itI got a new lessonMy armsI’d begun occasionally losing function in my arms from shoulders to elbowsSomething that became obvious was that I kept my grip on the steering wheel even at a lightLearning to drop my arms for a break at stoplights was another multi-year processAfter that, I realized I never squared to the sink when I washed my handsI was always in position to reach for the towel, never just washing my handsAnd on has gone the listMy body and attention unraveling habitual tensions, slowlyEvery time I reliably integrate something, the next opportunity becomes evidentRight now, my primary inquiry is the way my head is organized on my neckYet today, as I stood at my sink, I noticed my toes were squinchedGood thing I know how to receive that opportunityElse I might perceive it as a failure. A regression.When it’s really just another opportunity to practice. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

Natalie Goldberg tells the storyOf having rearranged her life and moved to a Zen monastery in ArizonaTo study with a revered rinpocheAnd, early in her tenure there, after meditation, he began his dharma talkIn it he confessed that during his meditationHe realized he wanted to quit teachingWhat was he doing here? It wasn’t as meaningful as he thoughtHe wanted to travel, to serve the poor, to touch life differentlyAs she did the math on what that might mean to her recent and distinctive choiceWas it all for naught?He added: and then the breath informed me: That’s just another thoughtAnd he continued his meditation.I had a similar experience of disorientation reading ChatGPT’s postWhat a mirror I had to look in and wonder about And release.Come back to my bodyFeel the host of sensations pulsing through my beingNotice my body’s organization, my posture, the tightness in my faceDropping the story and all its implicationsNot walking around with the apple and the scorecard and the red penBut, resting. Feeling. I found it helpful to do five senses meditationFive things I can seeFour things I can feelThree things I can hearTwo things I can smellOne thing I can tasteSpending time being hereNot in my mind, inventorying my healing, assessing my progressJust BeingOne Breath at a Time This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

I had a rough day today and so, for the first time ever, I asked ChatGPT to write my entryWhat it returned was actually quite goodPiercing, reallyIt wrote about insight as a seductive means of bypassingI couldn’t help but take it personallyI work really hard to feel all the feelingsTo get to know my discomfort, where it lives, how it breathesNot trap it or deny it or stuff it downBut we are multidimensional beingsFull of fields of brilliance and swamps of bewildermentYes, I wear insight like Liberace wore sequinsBut I sit with my challenges like he sat at the pianoWith devotion and practice and dexterityIf I’m bypassing, it is because I’m taking the scenic route through the underworldAnd that is no fun.Today I received a kindly intentioned but brutal critique on everything I’ve published here and elsewhereOn the heels of some other perhaps well-meaning but off-key commentsI’ve got no insight for thatMy imperfections are real and the world hasn’t been shy about keeping them front and centerMy feelings are hurtI think I’ve been pretty clear that in relationship to culture and livelihoodMy spirit is brokenMy efforts are inadequate, my results are nonexistent and there’s no one coming to save meIn this arena,I got nothin’That’s not entirely true. I’ve got 40 people, 30 of whom care enough to read my words every single dayPeople for whom my insights are not band-aids or distractions but prismsThrowing a little color around the roomOccasionally adding to a sense of ease or belongingThank you and you’re welcomeAs I said in my very first post, I have many areas in my life that are thrivingAnd this big swath that is brokenI don’t know how it is going to work out any more than I know how our cultural evolution is going to unfoldBut I can promise I’m not going to publish AI and pretend it’s meEven when it writes something better than I didI’m in this mess, and I’m breathing through itEven smiling some of the timeBecause life is never just one thingAnd that’s as close as I’m going to get to an insight today This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

I don’t blame the snake, or Eve, or Adam for that matterEven though they certainly started quite the episodic dramaLet’s revisit the premise, shall we?First there was Light. Then God created All The Things. Then Adam, who requested Eve.For some strange reason, Adam got to be ‘in dominion’ and name all the thingsThere will be another post on what a toxic premise that is…But for today:The rules: Enjoy Paradise, but Don’t Eat the Fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good & EvilWhich is very much like saying, ‘don’t think of a pink elephant’So of course the fruit is eatenThey’re cast out of the gardenHistory ensues[Herstory ensues as well, but doesn’t get nearly the market distribution]Forgive me for simplifying thisBut it seems to meIf, right now today, we don’t eat the fruit from the tree of the Knowledge of Good & EvilWe can live in EdenAnd to the exact degree I’ve been able to implement thisI have been able to receive the world as paradiseTo the degree I refuse to believe I know what is Right and what is WrongWhen I leave that judgment to higher paygradesAnd just accept life as LifeI can walk around with innocence. Receptivity. Curiosity. Trust.And, it’s a moment, that taking the bite of the appleOne so habitual we barely notice we’re making itA moment of decision where I take what I’m seeingAnd run it through the database of past experience, perceived values, and acceptabilityThen land on “Good” or “Bad”Like Willy Wonka’s Golden Egg-dicatorAnd I often try to send experiences or people or things down the chuteThat’s when I think I’m in charge of EdenWhich does, in fact, immediately cast me out of itRidiculously, when this happens, I immediately start sketching plans to returnI write full screenplaysBut no one shows up for auditionsNo one has much interest in being supporting cast for my version of EdenSo eventually I find my way to: that is as it should beAccording to Blaise Pascal“The universe is an infinite sphere with centers everywhere and circumferences nowhere”We’re each our own precise vantage pointAnd together we’re the whole thingWe’re not supporting cast in some individual version of perfectionWe’re an intrinsic part of a perfection in dynamic expressionWhen I quit thinking I am an appropriate judge of what’s right and what’s wrong(and my personal history has proven my perceptual accuracy over time to be very low)Life is infinitely better for meIt helps me quit taking score mid-gameAnd coincides with divesting from the prefrontal cortex as the center of my experienceLetting that center retreat into the heartAnd even further into the pelvic bowlAnd from that vantage point, paradise unfolds without nameThe proverbial apple comes with a scorecard and red penAnd that, my dear friends, is no way to walk around Eden. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

We unschooled our kidsUnschooling means no curriculum, no worksheets, no testsWhat did we do? Lived life. Explored their questions.About 5 years in, they wanted to try schoolMy son had to take a placement test. He scored squarely in his grade level.Without having completed a single elementary lesson or scratch of homeworkI had not stressed for a moment about him learning his times tablesHis natural becoming carried him right where he needed to beHad I been micromanaging his learning by a prescribed set of rolling dictatesDid you do your homework? Are you ready for your spelling test?I imagine I would’ve been very involved in regular interventions to support his performanceAnd I think we both benefitted that that was not the caseTo some degree, this is how I’m feeling about healingOutside of physical procedures that usually have a start and end dateFollowed by perhaps shifts in behavior to support ongoing wellnessMany of us seem to have ourselves on a healing treadmillDiligently trying to achieve our 10,000 steps toward the self we hope to earnWe forget that wholeness isn’t an achievementIt’s the ground we start fromWhat if our healing is a natural process within our becoming that simply takes time and space to unfoldAnd what we really need to do is live life and explore our questionsMove towards what lights us up and away from that which constricts usThat discernment is our jobWhich requires sensitivity to this body in this moment in this spaceLike every other bit of life, we’re constantly becoming something newEven when that becoming looks like agingWe bring the resources of what we’ve been in the past to encounter what’s happening nowAnd let that update us instead of defending the old positionHealing occursBecause life, as Gibran says, cares for our growth as well as our pruningI say this as someone who has experienced a lot of physical pain and a lot of healingAnd significant emotional pain and healingAnd for all my efforts and devotionI’m not so sure that most of my healing didn’t happen naturally or at least in nature’s timingThat my machinations towards it were just thatIn any case, it has all informed my orientationThat we are whole, just as we areWe are becoming, because that’s what life doesAnd when I can soften into that knowingLife is interesting and surprising right here in my body and through my relationshipsNot a constant march of me trying to fix myselfThat’s what I really needed healing fromMaybe letting go of concepts of healing is where healing truly happens. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

We’re hard on ourselves, as humansBecause we can almost always imagine a ‘better’ optionIt can be very hard to just be where we areTo acknowledge and appreciate our quirksAnd their contributions to the color of the worldAs we imagine embodying idealsBut I’m not completely convinced our ideas about idealsAre at all accurateI’m more of a believer that our quirkiness is more precisely tuned to the majesty of creationThan our best behavior.I have examples.My daughter is delightful and charming and talentedWhen she is sad or depressed or frightened, she is a bubbling cauldron of angerOver the years something became evidentWhen I try to empathize with her or soothe her or calm herShe just gets angrier. Digs in. Goes deeper.Of course my deep desire to ‘help’ generally has me forget this for a half an hour or moreTo actually shift the situation, I have to mirror her angerLose my temper at her spiralingShout “Basta, basta! E abastanza!” Enough! Stop it!I don’t really yell in Italian, but it is my inner Sicilian that comes outAnd then I need to give us both a minute.That’s when things shift.This tracks with homeopathy, which encourages us to allow a fever to run its courseThe theory is that the heat moving through the body is performing a system upgradeAborting the mission means the immune system misses the updateDon’t be afraid of the fire, but don’t let it take over the system, eitherNow, my inner perfectionist would like me to find exactly the right soothing words and calm delivery to give my daughter what she needs to find herself within her anger and move through itI don’t think the utopian version really exists, or if it did that it would have the right impactWhen I was a young adult living at homeI was in a toxic romance and one evening was sobbing into the phone at 2amMy mother, annoyed AF, got out of bed, came into my room, slammed the phone down and slapped me across the faceIt’s actually one of my favorite memoriesIt was exactly what I neededIt literally slapped me back to reality, reestablished myself within myself, let me see and choose against the spiralShe didn’t slap me because she knew it was exactly what I neededShe slapped me because, come on! It’s 2am! Enough already!But, her authentic response brought me back to myself more than any honed wisdom ever could’veJefferson Fisher, that adorable attorney who talks about how to engage in difficult conversationsAdmits that sometimes, calm is inappropriateSometimes, life is fiery and our agitation is normal and healthyThe cauldron of alchemy in those moments is grounded connectionGrounded connection is going to look different every timeSometimes it’s a mirroring, sometimes a shoulder to cry onSometimes a slap across the face, freely given and without regretA scripted response could never meet the moment authenticallyAI cannot soothe the savage beastIt’s our special cocktail of crazy meeting their special cocktail of crazyIn heartfelt, honest relationshipAnd like my mother before me, I knowSometimes losing your temper is the medicine This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

For many years in my youth I was the friendly backstage gate guard at Meadow Brook Music FestivalThe summer home of the Detroit Symphony OrchestraIt was a lot of fun. I’ve got many stories.There were a few times when I was recruited to pick up a soloist from the airportAnd once the soloist, a violinist whose name I do not remember, wanted to stop for foodWe went to a modest family restaurant, and there were lots of people inThat evening, maybe 5,000 people would watch him playBut not a person in that restaurant had any idea who he wasI remember thinking, “Wow. We never know if there’s a world-renowned talent at the next tableOne of these people may have already paid for their ticket tonightAnd can’t wait to see this guy, and have no idea he’s sitting right next to them.”Mass market celebrity is easy to notice - actors, musicians, athletesBut there’s a whole world of top-level talent we can’t necessarily identifyWriters, painters, musicians outside your favorite genreScientists, doctors who invented life-saving procedures, people who will be named saintsSo many individuals who maybe even changed your own lifeSitting next to you in a dinerJust being humanThe opposite of the “do you know who I am?” trope.Jewish philosopher Martin Buber believed God lives in the worldAnd we know the divine through dialogue and relationship, embraceThis paradigm evaporates objectification, meeting what’s outside of us as “it”And prepares us to treat all we encounter as “Thou”With reverence, honor, careAnd thereby know God and be in relationship with God through and as each otherWhat a powerful orientationIt lets us meet everyone as the unidentified superstar they are.So the next time you’re in a restaurantGive a knowing smile to the person beside youThey might be BanksyThey’re definitely an expression of the divineEven if they may be chewing very, very loudly. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

I spent the day researching job opportunities for my daughterOhmygoodness, it is SO much easier to do this for someone elseEspecially someone you loveI identified a dozen people to reach out to, a dozen more jobs posted todayWrote a dozen cover letters and rewrote a resume to include requirements from all 12It’s been absolutely fascinatingMy shoulder didn’t get sore at all, even though I spent most of the day on LinkedInI got more done for her today than I’ve been able to do for myself for weeksThis reminds me of the spoons in heaven -It’s lovely to feed each otherFeeding ourselves isn’t nearly as fulfilling, even when it is possible or necessaryThe Dalai Lama tells us the fastest way out of depression is to help someone elseGiven the prevalence of depression these daysWouldn’t systems to help each other be super handy right about now?I imagine they’re there, but there sure are barriers to entryIt took over a month before I could begin volunteering at the local homeless shelterToday I worked with a woman who is taking a community college math classThe structure of the assignment was distributed over 4 different sheets of an excel fileWhoever wrote it worked on it for a long time, but it was virtually impossible to understand.And I love mathI feel for the teacher. Community college instructors aren’t making the big bucksBut this was profoundly poor instructional designIt’s a catch 22Ivy league schools have the luxury of and mandate for elegant, straightforward educational toolsCommunity college gets whatever that instructor can come up with on the flyProfound learning inequities persistHow, in this digital age, we haven’t made best practices available across channels is beyond meAnd it’s frustratingBut the answer is right hereIn sharingIn serving each otherIn pooling our resources and being invested in each otherYou’re doing it for me right nowAnd I’m gratefulAnd I’m doing it for youWith these remindersWe need each other, and we have each otherFeeding each other is how we create a heaven from the hell of feeling aloneFeeling that we have to do everything ourselves is a trauma responseAnd entirely not trueWe just have to get past those barriersAnd remember:We’re part of an ecosystemWhen we allow ourselves to be fedWe nourish our rootsAnd strong roots bear fruitsAnd those fruits make feeding others easy This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

I have a dear friend with whom I occasionally make pilgrimagesOne of our favorite destinations is to visit the traveling female Indian mysticsWidely acknowledged as avatars, or living incarnations of the DivineCalled “Amma” or “Mother”, they travel around the world offering blessingsWhich, quite frankly, is no small taskThese women are not young. They sometimes spend 18 hours greeting people.The devotion runs both ways:Hence our pilgrimages.So, one day, we went to go see Amma KarunamayiShe’s lovely and sits in front of a room full of people.While you wait, you can fill out an index card with your petition to the DivineWhen it’s your turn, she reads it, she looks at you, she blesses you, maybe talks a littleAnd sends you back to your day with some Hershey’s kissesShe is not speedy in her blessings and once or twice we’ve been there all dayLike, all day.But this time, we get there and it looks a lot like we are going to be in and outThen just before they call our group, they change the pattern on group callingWe might be there all day again.The woman next to us waits maybe 3 hours, getting increasingly agitated every 15 minutes or soMy inquiry during our waiting became,“If we are here because we believe this person is an avatar of the divineWouldn’t being in her presence longer be a boon? Wouldn’t it be an added blessing?”And, I mean, I’ll admit I was excited when I thought it was going to be quickBut we are here literally to be in the presence of God, and we areSo, maybe, let it in?After some time, the woman next to us cannot take it anymoreShe gets up and leavesBut she couldn’t have gotten to her car before they called our groupIt was the weirdest thing.I’ve thought about that a lot latelyI’ve been so impatient for God to intervene in my lifeI neglected recognizing that all of this is the Presence of the DivineAnd what a privilege it is to be hereEven when I’m feeling edgy about it.Remembrance really is a boonAs are the effusive blessingsSometimes disguised as hardships. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

My two favorite book titles are so goodYou don’t even need to read the books.The books are great, too, don’t get me wrongBut the titles are transmissionsThey let you know everything you need to knowThe insides are just examples to get the ball rolling.My first favorite book title is:“Behaving as if the God in All Life Mattered”By Machaelle Small WrightLet’s hear it again:Behaving as if the God in All Life MatteredThat, right there, is the solution to all of itIt sets the stage for a pause. Humility. Reverence. Connection.The book itself is a trip.It’s about cocreative partnership with nature, and it is, shall we say, multidimensionalShe offers an approach that is informed by human intention but clearly reliant on nature’s intelligenceOne of my favorite lines in it is:Humans think gardens are expressions of nature. Nature thinks gardens are expressions of humans.It’s not the only idea she offers a fresh perspective on.The other absolutely stunning book title is by Charles Eisenstein:“The More Beautiful World Our Hearts Know Is Possible”Sit with that one for a momentThe More Beautiful World Our Hearts Know Is PossibleWhat I love about this is that there is a common sense —We each may have entirely individual and specific imaginings of what it might look likeBut we share an underlying common sense of a nourishing, healthy ecosystemThriving with respect and creativityThis book is all about the stories we’ve accepted as true. As “history”, as “culture”It’s written in vignettes, each spotlighting an area of human endeavorInviting us to drop the stories that are literally killing us and the planetAnd Imagine into new stories, richer storiesStories that are more trueMore inclusive, more expansive, more full of possibility and wonderThe title says it all and invites us to more, and I hope we collectively accept the invitationRecently, I heard Bayo Akomolafe talk about an upcoming book“The Times Are Urgent. Let Us Slow Down”Once published, it will definitely place in my favorite titles award ceremony.To me, it is a common denominator of the first twoIf we are to create The More Beautiful World Our Hearts Know Is PossibleIt will be through Behaving As If The God In All Life MatteredTo do this, we must slow down, be reverentRelease the old stories demanding our allegiance and attentionAnd be presentAs we make the world anew This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

Aren’t you just the sweetest beingBearing with me as I reflect and contemplateExploring how the mystical wisdom lives and movesWithin fractured and often unsatisfying circumstancesThank you ❤️I’m switching gears todayYou see, I’ve been so careful trying not to bypassI’ve perhaps overindulged my inquiryAnd underutilized my orientation of curiosityThere’s a difference, at least how I’m feeling itInquiry is wanting to know why and get to an answerCuriosity is wanting to explore, discover and perhaps createSo, I’m not sure if my biorhythms have shiftedOr my true devotion to life as it emerges is finally willing to accept how it is emergingI’m switching gears.My situation was impossible 5 months agoAnd is almost the same amount of impossible todayMakes me realize I need to shift my definition of impossibleI’ve read dozens of articles about exactly my predicament happening all over the country and the worldSo, rather than inquire and philosophize and lamentI think I’m going to start to look at the advantagesI’ve talked about the difficulties quite enoughAnd while they still may come up, they’re not the contextThe context is discovery, re-creation and possibilityI want to appreciate what this moment offers meTara Brach: Happiness lies not in finding what is missing, but in finding what is presentRight now, I’m appreciating that I didn’t have to take a day off work to get my tooth fixedAnd that I’m available to help offer my full self to help my daughter find a jobAnd that stupid expensive job search program can maybe offer some value for herI am available to care for my aging dog, who is out of sorts when I’m not homeI’ve had time to be there for friendsThese are not small thingsI want to do more of them, and maybe let that lead me to my next stepInstead of the idea of where I should be that I’m not, and an inquiry about how to get thereMy current optimism may ebb and flowBut this context of becoming has been there all alongI just want to lift the veil of my circumstances’ improprietyAnd get back to the serious business of accepting life as it isWith curiosity and trustAnd the truly meaningful support of friends, family and communityBecause we need each other, there’s no question about itAnd we have each otherAnd that is no small thing. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com

True intelligence has no thought…It is an attunement of the body to the world…”I know thisI have not been living itI have been thinking waaaaay too muchIt just seemed so important to thinkAs if I could counter the uncertainty I’m experiencing with copious thinkingYou’ve had a front row seat to how that’s gone for me.The quote is from Philip ShepherdAlthough Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi describes ‘flow’ similarlyPhilip has an exercise I’ve often lovedThe idea is this:Take a simple idea, like ‘the sky is blue’And feel what ‘knowing’ that idea feels like in your mindThen move the idea down into the heart, and feel what ‘knowing’ feels like thereFinally, move the idea into the pelvic bowl, and sense what ‘knowing’ feels like thereIt’s simple. It takes a moment. Try it! Each intelligence center feels a little different.The realignment this quote offered today invited me to the exercise againBringing thought through the whole body to discern a deeper, sensory experience of truthSometimes, with a less simple idea, you have to modify the phrasing to get it to move to the lower energy centerThe example he gave is when the head thinks, “I want to marry this person I just met”You might need to shift it to “I’d love to have a cup of coffee and a conversation with this person”To be able to have it be true in the heart or pelvic floor. They’re not prone to hyperbole.So, as my mind has been thinking“I cannot find a job”My heart’s truth is “I have not found a job”And my pelvic floor’s truth is more like “I am doing my work”Similarly, as my mind has been repeating“I am running out of money”My heart feels “my immediate needs continue to be met”And my pelvic floor takes it further:“I am a vital part of an economy of care”Just this little exercise proves to me I’ve been spending all my time in my thinking mindAs much as I have learned of its fallibilityOld habits have had me resorting to it in crisisThis series of reframes has me operating more as my whole selfThinking less, more beingCloser to truth, closer to presenceThere, waiting for me to return. To listen instead of think. To know.I’m so glad I saw that postI’m so glad for the experience of the shift in orientationFor this exercise and remembranceWe need each other to remind each otherThank you, Philip This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com