A self open dialogue journal and wishing to live beyond the mental illness paradigm

is still snowing here so my place is nice and quiet and it has been pretty quiet for the last number of days the snow really absorbs the noise and also slows the cars down and so many things and I realized this is sort of a video journal to myself they talk about how journaling is powerful and I've done a lot of journaling in the past but now it seems i'm doing this video self open dialogue journal and yesterday i randomly took out some of my old notebooks and i have two that I filled when I was in the psych ward in April and then I have a bunch that I wrote in the two years before that but especially in my second mania which was februari of 2015 I did a lot of writing then and afterwards and a lot of that writing from what I remember was based on my desire to come off medications so there's stuff about that and I think more like positive statements of things and then I have the stuff that i wrote the very first time i went into that state of consciousness five and a half years ago and at some point i think it would be fascinating to read through some of that but i feel i feel a little bit in in transition of some sort almost like that gesture that behavior of me taking out those old notebooks is almost saying to myself while there's something that I want to revisit and to me I think it's again partly calling me towards the fact that i would like to be off medications and and sort of living beyond the paradigm of mental illness and in a way being able to say while it served its purpose but i don't really want to participate in that anymore and I think that's why I feel conflicted in the job that I'm doing as well is that I don't want to be in the paradigm personally and I don't I'd rather put my energy towards something else like bringing ecp are here and things like that and I was thinking about how it's sort of like watching the news I don't watch the news because I find it bothersome and negative and in the same way going into that paradigm is like participating in it when it is negative and father some there's a lot of great aspects and there's a lot of great people working in it but they're given a framework to work in that is starting at such a deficit that a lot of the work that needs to be done to help somebody recover is the fact that the deficit that the paradigm itself creates so I'd rather help myself out of the paradigm and then maybe inspire other people to to do the same and it could be a little bit scary but and so the things I want to talk about to myself now I'm not sure it's like a mix of what I was talking about before and I feel like right now I have no idea what I was talking about before a bunch of contextual stuff that might be handy for myself and those insights and thoughts might actually come into my brain in the moments that I need them going forward because it could be some scary times and I've had some subtle insights lately that I could just say to myself for the sake of saying it but I haven't really unfolded what the implications are of them like I had this this insight that it's the position ality that needs medicating so as soon as I take a position ality on something for or against I've created duality like I've created me versus the other and it's that me that entity that takes a position ality that needs medicating so by going into mainstream paradigm I automatically am creating a me with a position ality because I do feel like I have a position against or it's not really against it's just I definitely feel the tension of the things that I see that I don't agree with so creates that positionality of me versus them or me versus the other and so I might be able to design a life where I don't have that sense of a position ality and if I don't have that sense of a position ality it's that me that needs the bandaid that needs medicating so by not creating a me by not putting myself in those scenarios where there is that sense of me a me that needs to defend myself even if it's just implicit