Actionable Bumper Stickers

Changing things up around here. My normal co-host had to call in sick because I guess his butthole was too sore from the long weekend he had down at the Gay Club. I don't want to embarrass him, of course, but I will tell you the photos he sent for evidence are harrowing. It's the kind of thing you'll see that makes you rethink progressive politics. I don't even know how you fit that many objects inside yourself. But regardless, this week we have a special guest who just so happens to live with me and is obligated to do something if I start crying. The audio might be weird because her voice is quieter than mine, but as always I implore you to locate that button on the side of your phone that increases volume. When do you think Apple is getting rid of that, by the way? When will we have an iphone that has no buttons at all, and you have to pay an additional $10 a month to access control over volume and when you can turn the phone on? I can't wait. The future is so bright.