23. ADHD and Marriage: We Separated for 18 Months. Then He Got Diagnosed. (with Emily Jade O'Keeffe)

In the Facebook group there's a pattern that comes up again and again: the mum grows. She gets the kids assessed, she starts to recognise herself, she does the reading and the therapy and the work — and the husband lags behind. He won't consider that he's neurodivergent, or the problem is always someone else. The kids. The school. Her. And underneath it all is the question so many women are actually asking: how do I get him to see it, and is it even worth staying?Emily Jade O'Keeffe's story runs the whole thing backwards. Her husband got diagnosed first — but only after they'd separated for 18 months, after the mudslinging and the lawyers, after she'd rebuilt herself from the floor up. This is the rare positive one: what happened when the diagnosis finally came, why she chose to help him when almost nobody would have, and the single question a marriage counsellor gave her that changed everything — 'is it arsehole or ADHD?'CHAPTERS00:00 — Meet Emily Jade O'Keeffe — 30 years in radio, and why she drove up from the Gold Coast02:46 — The order most families discover it in — and why Emily's ran backwards03:46 — 18 months apart: 'I was devastated, and he said can you just get over it'06:07 — Rock bottom, and the call that started with 'you were right'08:17 — 'I removed myself from the marriage and the problem was still there'09:17 — The groceries, the tone, and the pressure that was never actually there10:15 — PDA — a name for the thing Emily had been living without knowing13:00 — The first six months: lawyers, mudslinging, and the awakening that stopped it16:50 — 'I'll dance with my daughter's dad at her wedding' — the line that set the path20:00 — 'I can't be the problem again' — why she wouldn't just take him back23:30 — 'Is it arsehole or ADHD?' — the counsellor question that changed how they fight26:00 — Woo back or woo up — how they actually communicate now28:00 — The one thing she'd tell you to do first — and it isn't about himWhat We CoverThe pattern Jane sees constantly in the group — the mum who grows while the partner stays certain the problem is everyone else — and how Emily's story ran the opposite wayWhat 18 months of separation actually looked like: the lawyers, the grief, and the slow realisation that leaving didn't fix the thing that was wrongThe moment her husband hit rock bottom and came back to the person he'd hurt most — and why she said yesHow undiagnosed ADHD and autism had been quietly rewiring every conversation — the groceries, the 'I miss you,' the pressure that was only ever in his own headPDA — the framework Jane raises that gave a name to years of Emily's confusion (see the note below on the terminology)Why Emily refused to simply reunite — 'I can't be the problem again' — and what she required insteadThe Jennifer Garner line that reset her whole approach to co-parentingThe marriage counsellor's question that changed how they argue — 'is it arsehole or ADHD?' — and why a reason isn't the same as an excuseWhat Emily says actually has to happen before a resistant partner will change — and the honest, uncomfortable truth about waiting for rock bottomThe one thing she'd tell any woman to do first, and it has nothing to do with himRELATED EPISODES:Struggling to Understand ADHD? Here's What Your Partner Needs You to Know — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-58-struggling-to-understand-adhd-heres-what-your-partner-needs-you-to-know/Is PDA Real and What Can We Do About It? (with Michelle Garnett) — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-30-could-it-be-pda-exploring-the-signs-and-why-its-different-from-odd/Co-Parenting Amidst Diagnosis Disagreements (with Alana Manix) — https://adhdmums.com.au/podcast_episode/episode-1-co-parenting-amidst-diagnosis-disagreements/FREE RESOURCESPreparing for Diagnosis — https://adhdmums.com.au/product/preparing-for-diagnosis/Emily Jade O’Keeffe is a much-loved Gold Coast media personality, and co-host of the number one breakfast show, Galey & Emily Jade, on 102.9 Hot Tomato. With more than 30 years in radio, television and media, Emily is also the co-creator and co-host of the Move Over Mama podcast alongside her teenage daughter, Millie. A wife and mother of two, Emily brings warmth, humour and honesty to all her audiences.Move Over Mama and Emily Jade's IG here📬 Listener Questions & Community🎙️ Ask a Listener Question (voice)Voice notes are preferred when possible — hearing your voice helps add context — but you’re very welcome to submit a written question instead.Send a WhatsApp voice or written on 0403 457 313Send a SMS voice or written on 0403 457 313👥 Join the ADHD Mums Facebook Group👥 Receive the episodes in your inbox