All My Contradictions

“Do I contradict myselfVery well then, I contradict myselfI am largeI contain multitudes”-Walt WhitmanMy inner compass is powerfulI can generally feel my magnetic northAnd when my mind gets involvedAnd talks me into a different orientationI almost always deeply regret it.So I’ve learned not to do that so muchBut even as I learn to be steadfast to what calls meI know that doesn’t mean the other options don’t existOr are badJust not for meAt this momentI’m so clear on so many thingsAnd so foggy on so many moreWhich has been my achilles heel in this job searchBut through Sue Choi’s workI’m seeing that not only is being foggy OK, and naturalIt’s essential.It’s essential to let some things be blurryIn the peripherySo that our attention focusesOn that which piques our curiosity and sparks our imaginationMaking a choice to move towards something specificRight here right now, what i see in this momentNot an imagined picture I’m looking to attain, but attention to what’s actually hereWhich is profound for meBecause whilst I have been in this looking-for-a-job-confusionI have been choosing again and againSelf-regulation. Alignment. Attunement.This form and that form and a combination of bothMy focus on this has been a choiceI really hadn’t seen it that wayIt felt alternately like a cop-out and a genius priorityWhen it feels like a cop out, it feels passiveBut when it feels genius, i can see the diligent action in itAnd while it hasn’t helped me find a way to pay my rentIt has yielded a fertile field in which I can be still and receptiveAnd ironically, for a woman who eschews goal-settingThat was my desire all alongSo the contradictions continueSometimes specific enough to make me laugh out loudAnd to me that highlights the intense inclusion of life itselfThis AND thatAll having their place.When I was in high schoolSomeone handed me a stack of multicolored 3x5 card stockEach with a bit of spiritual wisdomOne of my favorites was:“In part, everywhereIn whole, nowhere”And I don’t mean to insult youBy spelling out the dual meaningOf “nowhere” and “Now Here”But I mustBecause both aspects are vitalThe wisdom of the worldIsn’t held in one place, position, or philosophyEverything carries a part of itNo one part contains the whole of the truthIt’s the totality that sanctifies itAnd wisdom’s configuration changesAs the dynamic assembly of the partsForm a new and fresh wholeThat sometimes contradicts what came beforeBut is just as integral as the lastRepresenting the fluidity of the whole in motionMoment by moment by momentHereandNow This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com