Alone and NOT Afraid

Alone and Ok-       For the first time in a long time, I’m alone at home.  -       Some kids are with darcy at a playgroup, others are out running errands, one, I’ve just dropped off at work-       There was a time when this would be a moment of struggle. -       When I would fight, with all my might to stay clean through this time. -       Being alone, with no one to catch me, was always a moment where my mind would offer me thoughts like,  “nows your chance” “no one will know”-       As a business traveler, I found myself in hotel rooms alone often. -       It was a consistent pattern that I would end up, at some point, spending a few minutes at least and sometimes an hour or so, viewing pornography. -       Having 8 kids, there have been very few rare moments where I was strictly alone at home-       So, on the road is where I would do it most often. -       Part of it was loneliness -       Part of it was boredom. -       Part of it was the idea that I could get away with something and the only person who would know was me. -       That last one is the one that really, in the end, made it so I stopped looking at pornography -       Last night I had a conversation with a client who was telling me about his ‘accountability’ partners. -       As he described them, various people, including his wife, he asked me, what my thoughts are on the software for accountability and accountability parnters in general-       He also asked if there were a permanent filter that I know of that is free -       I told him, the only filter or accountability person that really ends up working, is your own brain. -       That is the only way I know how to truly end a bad habit. -       Is retraining our brains to no longer desire pornography, no longer follow the urges, and no longer ignoring our moral compass. -       That process is what I coach people on, how I help them to get to where they want to be.-       That is how I got to the place I am now. -       Alone, in my house. With no one to catch me.  -       Yet not even fighting with my urges in the slightest. -       Because, I could look at pornography if I wanted to. -       I’m allowed, by virtue of my agency to do so. -       But I choose not to, because the person I want to be, doesn’t-       Not because there is a filter I couldn’t surpass-       There is no free, permanent filter available. -       You get what you pay for-       That’s why I do the work I do.  -       I wish I had a coach that would have helped me through this...