Am I craving altered states of consciousness due to bipolar stability?

Here I am again. And this will be part of a longer episode, which is up to date real time of what is happening now in 2021. As season three, and season two, if it's not clear is conversations that I had with myself years ago, starting in 2016. And going until 2019. So I think it went around three and a half years. And then things changed. And I haven't really been talking to myself. And at times, I've wanted to get back into it, but it hasn't really happened. And so this is another attempt to get back into it. Partly because it seems like the new information, funnel or channel or download has slowed down a little bit. And I'm not sure why that is. And I don't think it's really a problem. But I do find myself as I was speaking about the other day, craving altered states. And that has taken the form of drinking a bit of beer or drinking a bit of vodka, not getting really, really drunk or anything because I'm not interested in being hung over. But enough to kind of alter consciousness. And at the same time. Alcohol is a depressant. So I don't really think that's the exact effect that I'm wanting. But then other things are psychoactive and could lead to psychosis or something. And I do think I was sharing that. years ago, when I was talking to myself one time I decided to have a drink, and it made me really go kind of nuts. So then I just didn't drink. And I haven't been drinking. And I'm not recommending it or anything. But I'm wondering if it's because I've been stable for quite a long time. Now it's been since mid 2019. So that's about two years, just over two years. I remember I was hospitalized in 2019. And right after that, I made a couple dialogues with myself, but then I didn't continue. And then I stopped. And it took a few months after that it was April took a few months, before I started being able to do things and sort of be in the linear world, I was depressed for a few months, because I had gone into a big time mania, if you want to call it that for quite a while. And so I knew I was going to pay the price. And I was I was kind of okay with that. But at the same time, it was hard for me to go and get help. And I even wanted help I wanted help from the system at that point. But it was hard to to get there. Because I had you know, some thoughts of not wanting to go there and some thoughts of being able to maybe get through it myself. But at the same time, I knew it wasn't going to be possible. I just I gone too far. And I knew I had yet it was still hard to get help. And I finally was able to. And since then, I I spent that summer pretty depressed and not being able to function. And then when I came out of it, I was able to do things and go about life. I was doing some food delivery driving, which I quite enjoyed because I like to drive, it's fun. And then I went back to California for a short trip. And then I came back and then I started working in the mental health system again, in a different capacity. And before that, I went to Hawaii for a month. And then that's when you know the whole world changed. Soon as I got back. That's when everything started to change. And since things were shut down, I decided and I had already decided to start working on a book. So that was about About a year and a half ago now, and I'm at the point now where I'm getting close to being finished. And that being said, it's not perfect. And I don't think it's going to be perfect. I had somebody beta read the book, and they said that it stands out because they had read quite a few psychology type books, I don't, it's not really a psychology book. But they said, my book stands out. They also said that it's pretty intense, the tone is intense. I don't know if that's the tone in my self dialogues with myself, or what, but I was thinking about that comment about the intense tone, because the reader recommended that I have an editor kind of look at the tone when they look at it. And at the same time, I'm wondering, I don't know, if somebody c