Are You Living in a Box?

When I wrote my birthday bucket list I cheated a little. There were some things I already had planned that I added, knowing they’d be easy wins.. but others, though possible, I felt I might need a push to complete. This was one.In 2021 we visited New York at Christmas for the first time, we went to see the tree and it was truly magic. Absolutely lived up to the decades of movie-magic but you couldn’t get very close because there were (what felt like) hundreds of people in one tiny area. Note, this was peak covid time.. we had to test to get on the flight and be temperature checked to enter restaurants while people were body to body at Rockerfeller Plaza. On our final night, everyone else was asleep while I was sitting by the window, taking in the city when Home Alone 2 came on the TV. MAGIC. I couldn’t believe I was watching the movie, in the city and just a couple of blocks away from that famous tree. Something sparked in me and I wondered, ‘is it always lit? could I go out right now and see it?’. Turns out, the lights are turned on at 5am each morning, so I decided I was going to go out and see the tree lighting alone on our last day. It really was close by so I only needed to leave 10 minutes before to make sure I was there for the hour. When I arrived, there were maybe 5 or 6 other people with the same idea and as I walked towards the front.. LIGHTS. I’m over-using it but truly there’s no other word. MAGIC. To see that tree with so few people go from darkness to it’s famous multi-coloured glow was a bucket list moment I didn’t know to write down. If you’re ever in the city at that time of year, I can’t recommend it enough. Once I’d had my fill, I decided to make the most of my early morning and find somewhere to watch the sunrise. I stopped by Starbucks and headed towards the park, where I found another group of like-minded people scattered across a large rock. I set up my camera to capture the scene and enjoyed the collective experience in my favourite place, while my family still slept. As a middle-aged woman, it’s easy to lose yourself to the day-to-day routine of your commitments but allowing yourself to do something just for you can remind you of who you are, outside of everything else. I’ve seen so many posts recently saying, ‘your mother’s just a girl experiencing life for the first time too’ and while that message isn’t always well received, it’s true. Sometimes we put ourselves in boxes because life is easier to manage that way. I’m in a phase of parenting, marriage, working on this project, building this career. If we only have to worry about what’s in the box, we don’t have to think too far ahead or look beyond ourselves. I understand that more than most, I am easily overwhelmed and the box is comfortable but every now and then, take yourself out and do something different. Last month we visited New York again and I told my husband I planned to go out and see the sunrise. He wasn’t happy, it didn’t feel safe. Maybe I should have considered him more, maybe it wasn’t fair to choose myself in that moment over his comfort but I did. I took a subway 70 blocks north and watched the sunrise over the reservoir, by the running track. It was exhilarating and walking back through the city, as it was waking up, as people were starting their days, I felt a sense of achievement. I’m not sure why, maybe because it would have been easy to stay in bed and say, ‘next time’ but I needed to show up for myself and say, ‘remember you’re a person living for the first time too’. The moments of madness are always my favourite and while this particular adventure may not be for you, there’s something that would light your fire in that same way, you just have to let yourself out of the box for long enough to find it. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe