Desperately Seeking

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit mikhila.substack.comToday’s episode is sleepy - but not sleepy enough to sleep. We’re talking about my recent reaction to meds, how stress can affect more than your mood and why my difficulty balancing my want to be offline with my need to maintain a social presence led me to ANOTHER altercation with a troll this week.

I’ve been a creator on Youtube for 16 years, and a consumer of Youtube for 1 day more. I was looking for inspiration on google ahead a hair appointment in April 2010. I was having a pink streak in my hair and found an image that turned out to be a thumbnail and led me to a tutorial from someone called Zoeebella - not to be confused with Zoella. I lost an hour to her videos about makeup and style before she recommended another channel called, Lanaindiana.. and down the rabbit hole I fell. This was my first introduction to the beauty guru world. I hadn’t yet found the UK contingent but I knew I wanted in.I set up my channel that night, made a video with my newly pink hair, of a makeup tutorial I had no business teaching anyone, and the rest is history.Well, the rest is actually quite an expensive hobby with inconsistent returns.Initially, I set myself up as missbudgetbeauty, I was out of work for the first time in my life, I’d become a part-time parent a year earlier and I had time to fill. On my child-free days, I made videos about makeup and quickly realised I would need to buy in more to sustain the channel. I was watching people swatch every colour of a new lipstick launch and show their drawers and drawers of makeup lined up perfectly, as a ‘collection’. Although ‘budget beauty’ was my theme, it wasn’t really in my budget to keep up with that lifestyle.I found an office job but was quickly made redundant and then, in the most bizarre way I’ve ever found a job, I applied for a makeup counter position through gum tree. By this time I also had a blog and sent some examples of my ‘work’ to bolster my application. The interview went well but the responsibilities were vague, so I was somewhat surprised to arrive on my first day to discover I was the counter manager for Urban Decay. I had very little retail experience, no makeup training and I was expected to write up a business plan, deal with staff and work insane Christmas hours - I mean midnight close, it was bonkers - in my first 6 months. Although I didn’t love the job, I loved the people, I loved the brand, and it gave me access to product and time to learn skills I never would have. It was, again, short lived but perfectly timed for my online hobby.So my first year on YouTube as a whirlwind. I’d been introduced to this machine we now know as a ‘the creator economy’ and also to the beauty industry through my real job. It cemented something in me that wanted to build something. I’d never had much ambition. I’d never really found anything I thought I was particularly good at, but through YouTube, I discovered that I could connect with people. If I was interested in a subject, I could talk endlessly about it, and that suddenly had monetary value. I made 100 videos, and spent god knows how much money, before I ever made a penny through the platform, but once it was available? Magic. Something I’d been doing for free was now going to give me an ALLOWANCE? By the time I was pregnant with Milo, I had another job (albeit temp - not great for maternity leave) and had started another channel and blog, dedicated to pregnancy, missbudgetbaby. I was prolific. I posted 7 days a week across the channels and I loved it. But once I left work, statutory maternity pay wasn’t really cutting it and youtube wasn’t paying me much. This was where the problems became clear. I had already been living in my overdraft(s) and putting things on cards to worry about later.. now I didn’t have enough money coming it to cover those expenses. I couldn’t afford to be buying things to review on YouTube while I couldn’t afford my basic bills, but YouTube was also my only source of income in that window of time. I don’t think I took a full 7 days off when I had Milo. My first vlog back was with him when he was just days old, back at home. It wasn’t a financial decision, but I do think it was at least a little tinged with not wanting to be forgotten or left behind. I continued to film while he napped and post at the same volume I had before. No time to rest, this was my job now.I started making money from as on my website and working with sponsors. It felt legitimate and like the money would keep coming in, so I didn’t need to worry about those pesky debts in the background. So long as I was paying the minimums, it would be fine. The problem with any self employment is that the money is never guaranteed. I’m acutely aware of this in our candle business. We have had lots of orders in the first half of the year but we aren’t able to pay ourselves until the second half. YouTube is similar. Advertisers throw money at the Autumn Winter but Spring/Summer can feel LEAN.So when I was spending like there was no tomorrow, buying a new laptop, a new camera, lights.. things I thought I needed to be a professional blogger-type, I didn’t know the well was about to run dry. Thankfully, around that time, my temp employer invited me back. It was minimum wage and it would be part time, but I decided it was the best move. It’s always been important to me to pay my fair share of bills, so going back to an office job and having regular money coming in gave me back the independence I’d lost while on ‘maternity’. It also came just before the YouTube earnings dropped for the season.That should have been my first lesson in making money online, but I wouldn’t learn that for a while. Years went by and I didn’t change my ways. I got so used to random sums coming in that I just assumed that I’d be fine. I could run up a £2000 debt because soon enough, I’d get an email about a gig that would pay it off. I even reduced my days at work, to give me time to work on this internet empire.For a while, it worked. The ‘robbing peter to pay paul’ system I had going was sustainable, so long as money was coming in, but the bottom was always going to fall out, wasn’t it?I was getting bored of the content I was creating. I was starting to resent having to spend money to make it and my views were plummeting. Meanwhile, I had a beauty brand promising me a makeup palette that would make me so much money, I could may off my mortgage. I just had to keep things ticking over and that payday would be mine. There were sketches, samples, photos from the factory. When it didn’t come to be, I realised how much I had pinned on it.I also realised how long it had extended content I wasn’t interested in making anymore. I couldn’t stop making beauty reviews if I was going to release a palette of my own, but my heart wasn’t in it anymore. No wonder the views were down. Then came lockdown. A time where a lot of people found a new home on YouTube. I leaned in to daily vlogs to give myself an outlet and a routine. I was working from home and home schooling kids 6 years apart. I needed something for me and vlogs felt like an escape. Everyone was less and less interested in makeup and there were more people uploading to YouTube than ever before. It was a wild time to be in that, ‘who am I online?’ headspace. The money was also down, because there was a lot less to advertise to a world who wasn’t leaving the house.This was the first time I decided I needed to really look at my finances. I wasn’t spending as much and so it felt like a good opportunity to work out my budget and see if I could clear some debts. It became a bit of an obsession. I was paying off overdrafts I’d lived in for over a decade and it felt great. I’d been making ‘shop with me’ videos for a while, trying to get around the popular ‘hauls’ by showing what was new in store without having to spend any actual money. It felt like this, coupled with my new financial attitude could really turn things around, but once the world opened up, any positive change was replaced with, ‘YOLO’ and my spending was worse than ever. Now I felt like I was hanging on to the channel I’d poured so much of my life in to by a thread. I had to go back to the old ways, the beauty reviews, the hauls, I needed to win back my audience and make it 2012 again. It’s worth noting that, at this time, I didn’t know I had ADHD. I can now look back and see so many triggers and spot patterns of behaviour that are so obvious. Back then, I just felt erratic and I wasn’t sure how to level out. I was constantly seesawing between ideas and moods, trying to work out how to fix things. Sometimes that meant throwing money at a problem, sometimes I was very low, regretting all of the money I’d wasted.. and the best thing for a low mood? SHOPPING.I eventually found myself at a crossroads. Was I really going to keep flogging this dead horse? I was spending money to keep up with a lifestyle I didn’t even care about anymore, but was I ready to let it go? I did my first low buy year. I started posting declutters and talking about the masses of wasted product and clothing I’d contributed to in my pursuit of this influencer life. It felt real and authentic in a way YouTube hadn’t in years. Viewers responded well, but I still had one foot in the old world because the declining views were side eyeing my from the corner of the room. ‘You’re ruining everything’ they said, taunting me with their percentages and lost subscriber counts. Everyone tells you to just keep at it, consistency is key and everyone can be successful with enough work. I’m here to tell you that success isn’t permanent. Industries change and goal posts move all the time. In my case, I found an audience with a certain type of content and then we outgrew each other. That has to be okay. It’s a bit like falling out of love. You might want to keep working on it, but sometimes enough is enough. It’s not a failure, it just ran its course. This year has been the first where I have not been led by numbers. If I don’t have anything I want to post, I’m not posting. I don’t have a schedule or a list of content to film. I’ve started sharing my journey out of debt and my second hand shopping, but I only talk about makeup when I’m excited or when I’m reviewing things I’ve used up, in a ‘was this worth my money?’ capacity. The early days of YouTube felt so free. You could post what you wanted, it didn’t have to be glossy or well edited, it was just people connecting with other people about shared interests.Soon it became a way for one group to find out what they needed to buy from another group that was selling them those things. I bought things ONLY to review them. Things I wasn’t really even interested in beyond the video. I found myself in a luxury phase because of YouTube and started buying designer handbags I would have had ZERO interest in, had it not been for social media.YouTube made me spend money as a creator and as a consumer because it made me think that was normal. Unfortunately, because I have never been good with money, I then fell in to the trap of expecting large paydays to always be around to bail me out and once they weren’t, I was in a serious pickle. I also have a self employed tax bill to pay twice a year, and I am only now getting to grips with saving for that rather than hoping the money will present itself nearer the time. Having been a young parent with SO much to prove, social media was somewhere I could find validation in acceptance and recognition. It was a like a drug, now it’s been removed I can see more clearly but at the time, it was everything. I don’t regret it and I’m happy with the relationship I have with social media today, but it was certainly a rollercoaster. I pinned too much of my mental wellbeing on how I was performing online and, having already been an emotional overspender, it’s no wonder I put so much money behind the success of that.I don’t think anyone could have cautioned me from going down that initial path, but I’ve been particularly reflective recently. Thinking a lot about how I want my life to look and what I’m giving my energy to. I don’t think I’d ever want to remove YouTube entirely, but removing myself from the hamster wheel, limiting my time on instagram and consuming almost no beauty and fashion content now.. I feel totally differently about my place online and what it should take to maintain it. YouTube should be entertainment or educational, it should never be something that makes you feel less than or encourages negative behaviour. Gambling ads have this disclaimer but I think all the time, this absolutely applies to social media too. They’ve gamified every app to keep our attention so it’s no different. Whatever you enjoy, when the fun stops, stop! And don’t buy makeup on a credit card. Ever. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit mikhila.substack.comToday’s episode has been on the list for a few weeks but I kept putting it off. Of course, once I decided to record it, I had no notes - so here’s my rambly, one-take chat about my early experience with ADHD meds after being diagnosed TWICE and looking forward to that magical fix-it-all pill I’d read about for years.Not quite the magic pill after all. T…

A friend of mind has been on a bit of a reflective journey recently and we’ve had lots of conversations about childhood and parenting. How we wish things had been, how we would be different, what worked and what didn’t. How much comparison is fair, given we’re literally living in a whole new world now, and how much we should just let go of because, ‘it’s their first time on earth too’. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

I was laughing at Emma in Monday’s episode when she was saying she’s always starting things and then tapering off... but let’s be real. That’s me all over, isn’t it? I was talking to a friend recently about a guy she just started seeing. He was consistently letting her down and arriving late or not at all. I said, ‘I am absolutely on your side... we think this guy is a jerk and he’s messing you around,’ but, if we decide to give him a 5th, 6th, 7th chance and he sticks around, I can also flip that script pretty easily.read more at mikhila.com This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

Emma is back for an episode that just did not want to be! Even the editing was delayed because my laptop would not accept the footage!! CURSED, I tell you. We chatted about the difficulties of learning new things as we age, just wanting things to WORK when we plug them in, the unknown enemy that is AI and my recent dabble with app-blocking software to prevent me losing my entire life to my phone.. a longer story for another time. Emma has a show of her own coming very soon, so if you like mid-life chat and real talk about life, loss and taking paths you didn’t plan, go and sign up to her mailing list to be notified when her first episode drops!https://substack.com/@cosycuppaclub This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit mikhila.substack.comWhen I tell you I was struck down with technical difficulties this week.. My phone was gaslighting me in to pretending it had no storage, by way of corrupt data. After wiping that and starting over (which was a whole thing because I lost access to my authenticator app for my work laptop the week of a whole new IT rollout) my laptop started doing THE SAM…

First and foremost - the first episode with Lee is RAPIDLY climbing my ‘most popular’ list, and when you consider it’s a MEMBERS ONLY, that’s bonkers! I created a little group chat on insta, for listeners to weigh on on future episodes and MAYBE even talk among themselves (it’s early days.. nobody wants to make the first move) and the poll in that group was pretty heavily weighted towards another one with Lee. Now, I left it all a bit late (not like me at all) and so instead of the topic I had planned (listen to the end for that ironic twist) we started on Lee’s hatred for a certain style of sandals (a ‘boner killer’ - his words) and that took us on a journey down, ‘what should we be wearing now we’re 40?’.I think a lot of people our age are under the illusion that we’re ageing in reverse of somehow freezing time, but I have a theory.. and it’s more about what we’re wearing that anything else. I promise we’ll get back on topic for next week, but enjoy this haphazard in-care episode in the meantime. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit mikhila.substack.comWelcome back to Desperately Seeking and to a brand new *MAYBE* series, ‘couples therapy’. The idea is to cover hot relationship topics with my husband of 14 years, answer questions you guys send in ..and will we talk about the importance of reality television as pseudo psychology and a way to open up conversation about inter-personal issues? PROBABLY!YESTERDAY, I asked instagram,‘what question do you wish you could ask another couple?’Almost immediately, it became apparent that the NUMBER ONE question was going to be about their sex life. Understandable! I think we’re all a little curious about what goes on behind closed doors, right? But I wasn’t sure how to organise the variety of questions in to something worth listening to. I also realised the conversation NEEDED more voices. While we can answer for us, we can’t answer for all. So, we’re going to dip our toe for episode one, see how we go, then I’ll bring in some other perspectives for a deeper dive. I also had so many questions about finances, chores and arguing and they feel like episodes within themselves. So, drop me a DM if you’re shy or leave a comment, if you aren’t. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this one and whether you’d like us to make it a series. Here are the questions we cover in this one:

Someone just reached out to me on instagram, thanking me for sharing my own journey with sobriety and recommending a great mocktail syrup I should try. Every time someone DMs me or leaves a comment to say they’re trying it for themselves, I feel a little swell of pride - for both of us.But that pride is often followed by a pang of guilt, because if I’m praising you for something, I must be condemning those who aren’t following suit, right?read more at mikhila.com This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

I’m Mikhila, and I’m a rage-oholic. I didn’t recognise this trait in myself until a few years ago, because it’s not even a little but the case in my real life. I’m not an angry person, I don’t shout or argue people down. I’ll debate, don’t get me wrong.. I don’t agree with everyone, but I’m not aggressive when irritated and I have never felt the urge to punch a wall, or a person. So then, why am I so easily baited online?find more on substack at mikhila.com This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

I’ve been consuming A LOT of money mindset content recently. I want to hear from people who’ve turned their finances around and are sharing their journey. It’s inspiring to know what motivates change and I always learn more from someone who’s struggled than a natural savant.read more at https://mikhila.substack.com/ This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit mikhila.substack.comToday’s bonus episode is audio AND visual. Once again coming at you from my car with a rant about how women are raised to feel like they should be less.Check out mikhila.com to watch the video on Substack

This year, I’ve been sharing my monthly spending on YouTube, with the larger goal to finally getting my financial s**t together. Turning 40, I had a bit of an ‘enough is enough’ epiphany and decided to start no only limiting my spending, but really scrutinising it.One question I received was from someone who truly did not get it (or me) and wanted to know what my longterm plan was. Surely I wasn’t going to have these rules for myself forever. That was interesting, I hadn’t thought of it but, yes! I probably will.In the same way that you can’t build muscle and then you’re fit forever, I can’t just ‘fix’ my impulsive, dopamine hunting brain and never worry about it again. I am someone who will likely always have to work on these things, medication or not. This came up in the second half of April’s budget chat and I decided to put it out as an audio episode for people who would’t have watched that, but who I think would benefit from either, hearing someone explain what they themselves experience, or who need to understand the other side because that’s not at all how their mind works. Not to be a Russel Brand about it but, I think we can all learn something from my past mistakes here. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit mikhila.substack.comToday’s episode touches on some ‘sensitive’ ground but I don’t think it should be. We’ve always been on different sides but NOW, if you’re not on my side, you’re my enemy. That shouldn’t be the case and it’s no way to change hearts and minds. It just keeps us further apart - and you know SOMEONE is benefitting …

This was inspired by a previous episode, a conversation with Lee and THIS fantastic interview between Lena Dunham and Drew Barrymore. I’d highly recommend you give that a watch, if this is your thing. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit mikhila.substack.comI was a bad first wife to my first husband. Almost 20 years later, I can see why.

dipping back in to the archives today, I thought this chat was relevant to a conversation I had last week. It was originally recorded as a YouTube video - apologies for the spotty audio - but I didn’t think I could re-record it and capture the same energy so.. here we are. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit mikhila.substack.comMy first Substack VLOG. I wanted to document my feelings before and after my ADHD assessment and it felt like a good time to try video along with audio.

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit mikhila.substack.comSince giving up alcohol (originally temporarily) at the end of 2024, I really haven’t missed it at all. I thought I would. I assumed I had a budding dependence (part of why I stopped) and genuinely thought it would be a struggle. It turns out, once my brain decides on something, it’s VERY easy. A similar thing happened with my lucozade habit. I craved it, I couldn’t consider getting through the day without a couple of bottles of that liquid energy. Then one day I decided it had to stop and I have never wanted it since. Weird.Back to drinking. The only times I’ve felt a little tempted by alcohol is in the company of others. I have no need for social lubricant, I’m very happy to stay out late, dance and karaoke sober. The issue isn’t my want for the drink so much as I feel like I’m letting the side down.

Today’s episode is from the archives. A no longer available YouTube video, now in audio form. Not everything is your job, so Milo tell me. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

We watched SNL UK at the weekend and, as huge SNL fans, we were hopeful but nervous. Would it translate? Would the inevitable critical reviews kill it immediately? Would it even find an audience over here? I think they did a great job on their debut, some of the cast members are definitely future stars and Lee and I both agreed it was better than we’d imagined it would be.But he said something specific, “I thought it would be more cringe.” And this feels uniquely British.I have always leaned towards American TV. In recent years my mum has commented on it and how she doesn’t enjoy American shows, but (as I pointed out to her) she created this monster! I was raised on Roseanne and Laverne and Shirley. My mum took me to a private dentist as a child and said she wanted me to have an “all-American smile.” As it turned out, that was too expensive so I stuck with the crooked English smile, but the point is—I grew up on American comedy.Of course I watched English telly too, but between what my mum was watching and the surge in US pop culture in my teens, it’s no wonder that’s where I feel most at home, entertainment-wise.As an adult, I watched a lot of late night interviews and listened to podcasts where guests would make reference to adverts or snacks, or just phrases that we didn’t use here. Over time, my speech became more American. The words I used, it was as if I was filling in the years of growing up in Doncaster with other people’s memories and now? It’s as if I was there all along.So I feel comfortable in that space, but it also feels foreign to me. It’s a bit supernatural. The people don’t feel real, because those voices and places live in my television. When I watch an American competing on a show and make an absolute fool of himself, I’m not worried about what people back home will say. I’m not thinking about his job, or his high school girlfriend seeing that. He doesn’t have a job or a high school girlfriend. He’s an NPC who just popped in for this scene and ceases to exist after it ends.It’s more like a virtual reality show.When I watch an English girl get her kit off on Naked Attraction, I am mortified. What will her mum think? She is going to have to go back to her telesales job and everyone has seen her naked!! That’s not fun. That’s stressful and it’s—like Lee said—cringe.Don’t get me wrong, I have zero judgement about anyone taking a job on one of these shows OR taking their clothes off for money, I just can’t detach myself from the real life consequences of that when they’re from here. Our tabloids are vicious, I don’t know why anyone would want to put themselves in a situation where you could be front page news and mocked relentlessly. If they’re from Atlanta, I can’t imagine their newsstands. I don’t know what the backlash looks like for their day-to-day. I do know how it would feel rocking up to work on Wednesday if everyone saw my boobs on TV on Saturday night.I know I’m focusing too much on the naked stuff but it’s top of mind because there was a contestant on that show from around here. I also knew someone who went on Come Dine With Me and that was equally devastating.You might be wondering how this differs from YouTube, and I’m kind of wondering that myself.I don’t ever mention what I do online when I meet someone. Often they find out from someone else—in fact a manager was talking to me last week about how his boy had spoken publicly about the state of some facilities and it had been picked up by the press. He showed me some cruel comment someone had made about his appearance and what he’d written in response. I mean, this was a kid—totally out of order—but he said to me, “I don’t know how you do it.” And that’s how I knew he knew. It is slightly uncomfortable, but it’s not national TV.I’m also using Naked Attraction as the example because often it’s more behaviour based, and I feel pretty confident that I wouldn’t call someone names or use a racist slur. In fact, when Lee and I were discussing this, I came to the conclusion that the worst thing people would say about me were I to go on a reality show would be, “God, she’s annoying.” Not nice but I think I could weather it. I’ve had a lot of practice.When someone behaves badly in a foreign country, it’s entertaining, but I’m not worried about their mum being ashamed of them. They don’t have a mum, remember?I would say, the halfway point for me is Australians. They feel familiar enough to have lives outside of the project while also far away enough to be watchable. We watch Married at First Sight and the behaviour of some of those contestants this year has been diabolical. It must be the worst year yet. Jacqui last year was totally bonkers but this year they feel authentically cruel. I’m sure there’s an element of “making good TV” but it’s becoming difficult to watch, when some of them seem so genuine and kind and they’re being ripped apart by… I mean, animals. Truly.That’s where it starts to fall apart for me. I think, “Well, she’s ruined her life. Why would you volunteer to do this and then behave in a way that you just cannot recover from publicly?” I understand the 15 minutes of fame and maybe going on a show like MAFS to raise your profile and try to become an influencer, but who’s going to pay you to promote their product when you’re hated internationally? I heard a couple of them had lost their jobs as a result of the show airing. I will never understand the logic—and had they been Americans, I’d never have tried.You know when celebrities say, “I’m a real person, I’m a human, I have feelings.” My brain says, “nah!”. If they’re American and they’re in my TV, they’re just characters in the play. It’s much easier to detach myself from the reality of their wider world and enjoy the toxicity for its entertainment value. I can’t do the same when they’re too close to home—literally.Is it just me?I’ve realised I like to seek out advice from people who live HERE and are living LIKE ME but I like my entertainment from across the pond.If you haven’t already, don’t forget to subscribe on Substack to receive my weekly newsletter straight in your inbox, and follow me wherever you’re listening to this podcast. Don’t forget to leave me a review, it helps that platform know it’s worth recommending to other people—not that it is, but we have to play the algorithm game, and I’ll be back on Wednesday for a members only bonus episode. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit mikhila.substack.comToday’s episode is a chat with my friend, Karen, who suffered her own annus horribilis back in 2021. She found dark humour saw her through adjusting to her new normal and that’s how we first bonded.. because I too enjoy laughing through pain. But not everybody gets it.. and that’s what we’re talking about today.

I asked on instagram for some questions for an agony aunt episode and I didn’t get quite enough to separate them in to themed episodes so we’ll kick off with my favourites in this mixed episode and hopefully you’ll send in some more for next time. You can DM me on instagram @mikhilamcdaid or email me at [email protected] This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit mikhila.substack.comIn 2024, at the age of 38, I was diagnosed with ADHD. I had been wrestling with the idea of private assessments for a long time. I had some amount of guilt based in my privilege at having access to that service where others do not, I also felt like a private diagnosis would be less valid. The real issue there was, valid to who? I had already discussed the idea with my GP who agreed they would accept it, as and when the time came, so who did I need to believe me? I hate to tell you this but I think you know - strangers on the internet.Whenever I mentioned my (as yet undiagnosed ADHD) I was met with criticism for claiming a condition and therefor minimising the experience of others. I once jokingly referred to it as ‘peer reviewed’ in a post and one person took that very badly indeed!

Welcome back to the newly renamed Desperately SeekingThis week I was seeking clarity, I wanted to know why people pick up gardening in midlife who’ve never shown much interest previously and along the way I realised it’s exactly the same reason people who’ve previously been somewhat messy with money will decide to get a handle on their person finances. I was talking with a friend recently about gardening. She too is in her 40s and finding herself suddenly taken with the idea of bulbs and seeds and planting things in general. We were debating the reason this seems to happen in middle age. I come from, what I’d describe as, a garden heavy family, but when did my Dad really pick it up? He probably wasn’t in the greenhouse with him Mum in his 20s, was he? Lee and I have often laughed about the generic gifts for men being football, beer or garden related, when he’s interested in none of the above. All jokes aside, if you search for a ‘Grandad’ card, it’s probably going to have a shed or a wheelbarrow on the front of it.For the longest time, I assumed the retired community just had more time, and they do.. just not in the way I thought. When you’re young, you look at the back of a seed packet and thing, ‘6 months? thats ages!. When you’re 40, you think, ‘oh that’s not time at all’. The older you get, the longer you’ve lived, the shorter the years feel. Planting a sapling, knowing you may not see flowers or fruit for 5 years, is ridiculous in your 20s. You don’t know where you’ll be in 5 years, that’s a lifetime away. I realised recently that we’ve lived in our home for almost 10.. how can that be? I’ve been making YouTube videos for 16… but I’m only 25!!! So it’s not so strange that we pick up gardening in midlife really. It’s not just that we’re boring and old, it’s that we see time differently. But how does this relate to money? I’m so glad you asked. We saw someone in a flash car yesterday and Lee said, ‘as you get older, a car payment on that makes less and less sense.’ - same logic, but in reverse. When you’re young, you’re living for the moment. Savings and pensions are something for your adult self to think about, you’re still just a kid - but now you have access to money, sometimes money you don’t even have.Taking out 5 year finance on something is not just easy, it's not just instant gratification, you have no frame of reference for what they really means. 5 years is a social construct.. time isn’t real. You don’t know how it will feel to have a payment taken from you for SIXTY MONTHS. I got myself in some sticky situations as a kid. When I turned 18, I said yes to every line of credit that was offered and I wasn’t earning a great deal. This was pre-2008, when banks were even less scrupulous about lending .. but that was a problem for another day, it would be fine. I ended up with an £8000 consolidation loan at 20, and absolutely nothing to show for it. You’d think I’d learn.. but no. I kept repeating the cycle of getting in debt, working hard to pay it off, getting in debt.. etc etc.. Once I was diagnosed with ADHD, a little switch flipped in me. I had been operating at a deficit. I didn’t have the same tools as everyone else. I wasn’t a failure, I was set up to struggle. Something about that helped me to see things more clearly. Once you know the problem, its easier to imagine a solution. Beyond that, I was in my late 30s and I was just sick of myself. I didn’t want to keep doing what I’d been doing.. it was miserable to feel like I couldn’t just get my s**t together like everyone else. I decided I wanted to get a handle on my finances and I started looking through everything I was spending. Now, this is a long game, I’m still very much a work in progress, but this is how it began. I recognised some patterns, set myself some goals and challenges myself to spend less. I started looking through previous years and kicking myself for the money I’d wasted. ‘If I had that money now’ I thought. Where did it all go? At the time, it felt fluid and free, it felt like I had infinite years to earn money so, who cares? Turns out, it was me.. just later.Now, I look at the money coming in, the money I’m wasting on interest, the money I’m paying in to my pension at work… I’m realising what it cost me in the long term to never consider the future. My mindset is completely different. I don’t want to live in my overdraft anymore. I don’t want to have to work forever. I don’t want to have to always be worrying about making payments. Now 5 years doesn’t feel so long away.I didn’t see the point in saving money for a rainy day because I hadn’t experienced enough of them. Now I stop myself from picking up those cute pillows or that lamp because it’s not just £50, it’s £50 every time you go in that shop and that’s £200 a month, and that’s £2,400 a year… and it’s probably all on a credit card. I am struggling with the yolo on experiences right now, because I told myself to do more with this big birthday year, but I’ve checked myself and reigned it in. Checking my budget every month and where my money is going has made me want to see that number going down more that I want to get that dopamine hit from the impulse buy. I started my first every regular saver last year that I actually stuck to, and at the end of the year I had a large chunk to put towards my tax bill - which I paid on time for maybe the first time. I’ve started putting random sums in a different saver this year, because we have a big holiday coming and I don’t want to be scrambling for cash.. I want to already have it. I don’t want to be relying on my overdraft, I want to have planned ahead. I am sowing seeds because I know that 6 months is no time at all. If it’s no time at all, I can afford to tighten the purse strings for that long, and I will see those savings come to fruition on the other side of the summer. The Summer holidays used to be LONG, now they feel like, blink and you’ll miss them. So, it’s not just that we’re getting boring in our older age, it’s that we can play this tape to the end. ‘Later’ comes around sooner than you think. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit mikhila.substack.comToday’s episode is on the heels of a particularly rude run of interactions on social media this week, some of the conversations that followed and how I am (and I wish I was) dealing with criticism of my life and the way I show up online. Nobody’s voice should be louder than yours in your own head.

Today we’re talking about why comparing yourself to the school gate mums (or worst still ONLINE mums) is not only pointless, but also not fair to anyone. We’re all parenting selfishly, you just have to recognise it and LET GO of your guilt for not doing the things you hate. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit mikhila.substack.comToday we’re talking about the difference between wanting to be seen and wanting to be HEARD and why women are raised to think attention seeking is a negative trait while men are encouraged to be bold and assertive.

I am not above enjoying some internet commentary. I like to see someone who’s manipulating their audience be called out for their deception, but has it gone too far? It feels like everyone’s an influencer in 2026. Anyone can access affiliate marketing, every brand has some kind of ‘refer a friend’ scheme and there’s no way you don’t know someone in an MLM.So when I see whole channels dedicated to denouncing the ‘influencer industry’ my one and only question is, WHO ARE THEY? Because someone with an audience who is creating content about influencers, is themselves also an influencer.. are they not? If you share an opinion online and have a substantial number of eyes on you, aren’t you influencing their opinions?I’m pre-determined to be irritated, having just accepted that what was once a blogger is now an influencer, only to be told I’m the worst kind of person. I’ve waxed on about my disdain for TikTok and how that platform became a marketplace overnight and changed the culture of social media.. so I am not surprised by the harsh take, more trying to determine whether there’s any way to escape from the building before it collapses with me inside. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit mikhila.substack.comToday’s episode was triggered by Hilary Duff’s new album. She has a few songs about family estrangement and, having a lot of experience in this area myself, I thought it was worth talking about. It’s often talked about as a ‘trend’ since it’s picked up on social media but is it? Or is it just more socially acceptable to talk about it than it once was?

AD - If you’ve been looking to get control of your own finances, consider Xero software. It pulls through every transaction automatically and helps you identify your patterns so much more easily than a bank statement. Get 90% off your first 6 months with this link https://referrals.xero.com/8220vlzjml8dToday, we’re talking about MONEY. So uncomfortable, right? Whether you have it or not, it’s not something we love to chat about but we should. When something’s a dirty little secret, it starts to feel shameful, and if you have struggled with your finances, it discourages you from facing the problem to fix it. Additionally, women hear messaging about men being ‘better with money’ from such an early age and it’s just not true. It’s personality based at best and environmental at worst. We can choose to change that mindset, but we have to start talking first. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

Have I spoken about this already? Once I started, I felt like we’d already done an episode on it but IF I HAVEN’T, I’ll do a full follow up with a ‘guest’ because I LOVE the topic of the Law of Attraction and I think it’s better demonstrated in conversation than anything else. If you have any of your own examples or questions, send them over and I’ll include them in that episode This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit mikhila.substack.comThis was a particularly low energy episode.. but that was kind of the point. It’s hard to see it in yourself but vlogging every day this month has forced me to see myself in my life every day. The lack of motivation and convincing myself it was just too cold to get ‘dressed’ has to end with February.I cant control many things but I can force some change…

Parenting is SO hard at the best of times, but when you feel like the decisions you’re making will have a longer impact, when you have no time to fix things.. that’s when it can feel impossible. Today I’m talking about counselling your kids through the teenage years, choices at school, helping them decide what they want to be when they grow up. We will never know how much or how little our kids need us to push or whether we did the right thing. Going through this from the other side also helped me give my own parents some grace . We’re all just living for the first time, after all. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit mikhila.substack.comI want to be clear.. I don’t hate how I look, I’ve always had a pretty healthy body image. I obviously don’t always LOVE how I look, but I' don’t feel awful about myself by any means. That said, sometimes something gets in my psyche and plants a seed. This week, that seed was Sydney Sweeney.

I’m on a bit of a mission this year. From my home to my mind, I want to feel lighter and more organised by the end of it.. so I’m digging through the rubbish. What can stay and what can go? Can I live with this or do I need to move it on?I have my fair share of undesirable personality traits but a lot of them, I’ve realised, make me who I am.. hopefully balanced out with some more positive elements. Deciding what’s truly a flaw I need to work on can be tricky at 40. I know myself best now and some of the things I would have changed 10 years ago, I quite like now. Today I’m talking about ‘oversharing’. Very apt for this heart-on-my-sleeve podcast. Is oversharing something I absolutely need to get a handle on or can it actually serve a purpose? Can it help you find your people while weeding out the ones you really don’t want around? This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit mikhila.substack.comToday’s episode it just for my paid members because it feels a little safer sharing vulnerable, personal stories behind a paywall. That makes absolutely no sense.. but trust me, this is a WHISPER in my mindSometimes, when you’re still thinking about something that happened 20 years go, it means the relationship has lasted far longer than it should have.…

The main takeaway from this episode is that ALL THOSE HOURS I spent trying to painstakingly level our voices when we used to remotely record podcasts together was POINTLESS because this was recorded on my phone and we were equidistant from the mic. I am just LOUD!Second to that, I think it IS true that we care less about perception as we age, but maybe in different ways. And the people pleasing is still something you have to actively decide to work on. Overall, I’m only excited to get older (inside) but am yet to loosen my grasp on that outer youth that I can feel (and see) slipping away from me already.Thanks to Emma for joining me for this one. She’s recently joined substack so go and follow her to see what she posts - It’s Em Channel This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

This episode is entirely inspired by a chapter in Amy Poehler’s book, Yes, Please! Call your parents today and ask them to tell you about the day you were born. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

Today’s episode is a run through of items I wish I could go back and tell my 30 year old self on my 40th birthday. I was putting this one off so here’s the off the cuff version.. possibly to be updated when the pressure is off This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

This episode was wholly inspired by Cass from Clutter Bug - check her out here - and the final nail in my overwhelm coffin. I cannot tell you how much lighter I feel for doing this and, for those of you who I’ve encouraged to watch that documentary - BUY NOW on Netflix - know that there’s a BALANCE to be found! This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

This episode was inspired by a DM exchange I had with someone who also struggles with ADHD and the emotional dysregulation side of things. She asked how to be better, be more compassionate and be more open (less negative) when her partner does feel like sharing with her. I thought it was a great jumping off point for a chat today. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

For the longest time, I avoided this practice. The closest I came was ‘gratitude journalling’ because acknowledging your highlights on dark days is helpful in pulling you out of of a funk. Reminding yourself of what you have is always a good thing.. but writing a ‘dear diary, here’s how I’m feeling’ was off putting to me for two reasons. 1. it felt very self indulgent (I mean really, what’s wrong with that anyway?) but also 2. anything you write is likely vulnerable and not something you’d want someone else to read. A risky practice. In today’s chat, I’m talking about how I’ve accidentally been journalling to work though my problems for years and how you may benefit from the method I’ve been using too. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit mikhila.substack.comyou can find out how to subscribe here: https://mikhila.substack.com/about A bit of accidental journalling did me good today. If I can’t ask for what I want, I can’t blame anyone else for not being able to read my mind.

Today’s episode ticks off my ‘see a brand new show’ item and discusses the frisson of emotion some of us feel strongly when experiencing a liver performance. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

And if you see this… let me know! 😂 This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

On my 40 By 40 bucket list, I had ‘put washer fluid in my car.’ Had I known where the year would take me, I’d have made loftier goals. This year, I’ve had a car hit me, head on, while I was driving - and then drive away. That was a nice bill and a little some to kick off 2025. My car then refused to go in to second gear and a mechanic said it needed a new clutch - which didn’t fix it, so now it still won’t go in to second gear AND I had to pay for a new clutch. And finally, I went on a death defying solo journey to Dorset and came home with a fear of night driving. I still haven’t put washer fluid in my car but I know what it is and where it goes and when I tell you my oil change story, I’m sure you’ll agree that I’m more than capable. Why I decided it was smart to set off on this journey at 6pm on a Friday night, I don’t know. In hindsight, I should have done a 5am Saturday start instead. It was NOT FUN. Half an hour in, the check oil light comes on. This is the first I’m hearing of it but it’s a long drive so I think it’s probably smart to pull over and check it out. Thinking I’m savvy, I find a garage, google the oil my car needs, buy said oil and sit in the car, watching a YouTube video, wondering where I can find a funnel.My candle making skills turned out to be transferrable here. I knew I could use my thermometer to train oil in to a bottle, so what’s to stop me using the dip stick to sub in as a funnel? Nothing - worked perfectly, felt like a genius. Before some smart Alec pipes up, I did put the oil in the engine, not the dip stick hole. I scared a man at Screwfix with that very story so just getting ahead of it. I’d checked the oil level and it appeared to be low. I had no idea how much oil a car could take so I conservatively added around 200ml. The next dip stick check was a bit of a shock, it showed twice as much oil as the car needed. GREAT. By this time, it’s getting dark, I’ve barely begun and google is telling me it’s more dangerous to drive with too much oil than too little. A normal person may have turned around and gone home at that point - not me. I decided to continue and put myself through 4 and a half hours of driving in the dark and torrential rain, constantly worried my car was about to blow up. Also, I don’t know if you’ve driven through Bath recently but it’s pretty hilly. Difficult without that second gear. So I finally get to my destination and discover that there’s no such thing as next day prime delivery in the arse end of Mordor, so I decide to head off to a garage the next morning to find something to remove some of this oil. Of course, nothing is open in the countryside.. everywhere closed by the time I got round to it and I was left with screw fix and a plastic syringe kit. Would that pipe reach the oil? Would it chuff. This took up a large amount of my weekend - for which I had risked life and limb to attend.A friend of my friend even came to help. He had a pump and appeared to know what he was doing but he too was getting mixed messages from the dip stick. Apparently I hadn’t put nearly enough oil in to cause it to be over or cause a problem but nobody wanted to add any more - just in case.The next day I drove the 5 hours home, with the light on, again waiting to explode before I reached the M18.Thankfully, we have a local mechanic who looked at it and and confirmed I had never added too much oil, he did me an oil change and all has been well ever since. He also told me people wait weeks to deal with oil lights so I needn’t have panicked. WELL THAT’S NOT WHAT GOOGLE SAID, MATT!I refrained from telling him the story of the time I changed the battery in my own car and set a small fire in the engine. That was one of my greatest accomplishments but every time I went over a bump, the engine cut out. Eventually I had to seek professional help then too. For the car, not for me, although both were needed. Turned out I hadn’t replaced every nut and bolt and it was just a little bit of a loose connection - but come on! I considered that a win.So, I can’t drive at night anymore because the horrors persist, but I feel like I’ve made great strides in the car maintenance world. Next year I’m going to learn how to put air in the tyres. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but I’m planning a themed 40th year, the theme is, ‘Death Becomes Her’. I love that movie, I love Meryl and Goldie, I love the message - did you ever see the interview where Goldie Hawn talked about the original ending? It would have been so much better - and this year I saw the Broadway show in New York with the full cast. It was well known that this particular show regularly had the understudies in the mix because the cast was older and the performances were taxing. I actually had an email letting us know that Megan Hilty wouldn’t be at our performance a few months after booking, with the offer of a full refund if we chose. I didn’t because I wanted to see the show regardless but then she was there!! That felt like a little bit of magic.Not to dismiss the understudies AT ALL, I’m certain they’re phenomenal, but I’d been listening to the soundtrack all year and it would have been more like going to watch a tribute act vs the real thing. As I previously mentioned - I cry at everything - and I cried basically the whole way through that show. I was so amped up to be there, the theatre was beautiful, the sets were incredible and I think they actually won a Tony for the costumes. I have this frisson with live events and music in general, I could cry at the thought of it, honestly. It’s like a heightened sensitivity to it all, I think. The movie made its mark on me in adolescence. Looking back, there’s one clear thread that was missing from most movies of that time that this had in spades - no pun intended. Something you may not have put your finger on but it passes something called, ‘The Bechdel Test’. The test is whether you have 2 female characters (who must have names) talking about anything other than a man. Once you’re aware of it, you’ll be surprised how often a movie or TV show can’t pass that, basic as it seems. Both of these women were so self involved that the men were secondary characters, Ernest was a pawn throughout, but still - they passed with flying colours.Seeing strong, vengeful women was appealing to my teenage self and, while on paper the messaging seemed to fit in with the 90s beauty standard, in reality it was mocking the vanity of women and reminding us how minor it is in the grand scheme of life.Don’t get me wrong, I’m plenty vain. If there’s an anti ageing device or product to try, I probably have it, but I’ve drawn the line at cosmetic intervention because I know I’m the kind of person for whom it would be a slippery slope. I see my face more than the average and have received enough criticism of my appearance from strangers on the internet to be tempted to have just a little more.. just a little more. The song I think speaks to every 40+ woman from the musical is, ‘Siempre Viva’Michelle Williams - of Destiny's Child, not Dawsons Creek - sings, For gravity’s kiss is pulling you down, you’re losing your youth, it’s unfair, it’s a b***h, it’s crime’We don’t necessarily want to LIVE forever but watching your face collapse is feels like a punishment, while we can all agree, it’s a blessing to keep living when so many don’t get that chance. The movies message is ‘be careful what you wish for’ in a YOLO world.If I haven’t already (I’m not sure which order I will post these episodes) but I will be sharing the painting I commissioned from Kenzi Taylor (who I’ll link in the show notes) and the pottery I made - both within this theme. I thought it would be fun, a little 90s throw back but also have a deeper message for my 40 year old, potentially more-tempted-than-ever, self. Healthy and alive is preferable to a youthful appearance. That and, I do consider myself to be somewhat of a role model, not just to my children but to my peers online. I absolutely understand why more people like me, who see themselves a lot and have strangers pick them apart, are more susceptible to having a little tweak here and there, but I want to follow people who are ageing without that and I want to be that person for others. That keeps me more accountable that you know. There are many dark sides to sharing myself online for 15 years but there are some great silver linings too!Anywho, the show - incredible. Experiencing something like that in a crowd is special, isn’t it? I want to make the effort to see more live theatre next year. For a long time, I avoided it because it wasn’t something I couldn’t re-experience easily. I didn’t want to fall in love with something and never be able to see it again. A live performance is a one off and something in my brain says, ‘don’t do it, you’ll be sad’. It’s true, but I have the album and it made it to the very top of my Apple Music wrapped so - it clearly made the same impression the movie did. Some things are special because of when and how you first consumed them. They brand themselves on your heart forever because you were young or you were going through a break up or you just needed it in that moment. Death Becomes Her has that place for me, so when I get a tattoo of the potion bottle, don’t think I’m having a mid-life crisis. I’m just letting you see the brand that’s been there on the inside for decades, on the outside. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit mikhila.substack.com/subscribe