At a certain point, I'm no longer me, and some other aspect of bipolar consciousness takes me over

So as official, I think this might now officially be the longest. I've managed to stay out of the psych ward over eight months. Yet at the same time, today, I've been having some signs that I might want to Abort mission, meaning my brain seems to be going into further reaches of its growth that seemed too far outside. Even the context that I'm wanting to create right now. And the other day I talked about, well, maybe I will share some of the weird stuff too. And oddly enough, since I've said that some of the weird stuff has been coming through me. And I might share some of it just to give examples of things that I don't necessarily want to go further along the lines of their thoughts and perceptions that may or may not be true. They might be true in some other context. But if I go into that, then I'm alienating myself too much from the context that I'm creating, which is already beyond how consensus reality would would program us to see things and think about things. So Abort mission would equate to taking Seroquel PRN, when I was showering today, I felt a little bit fearful. And it's not because I was showering. It's just I was fearful. But one of my clues is, if I'm feeling fearful while I'm showering, while I'm kind of cornered, and then it's a clue that I could dissociate and disconnect and go into a terrified state where all I can do is sit there and wait for help. That's happened numerous times. So I don't want to get to that point, because that would likely mean I need to call for help. And then I would be hospitalized. And that's the very thing I'm trying to avoid. And I'm wrapping up some things with working in mental health, and I'm finding it difficult, some writing a few things. And I'm writing from the vantage point I've created for myself through self dialog and not through the vantage point of me and my mental illness. Which, before I never really believed, but I still humor that kind of language. So it's it feels difficult in a way because I feel alone in this context. And then I don't want my brain to start creating context that is just so out there. For example, I had something come to me around the whole Ascended Masters thing, and I don't even think about that. But it was like, Oh, the Ascended Masters can kind of take us over when we get to a certain level of consciousness because we're no longer our ego. So then what are we? Well, maybe we're the Ascended Masters, whatever that means. So, you know, well, that's lovely. But at the same time, I still I still would like to have some semblance of ego self for myself, because if I obviously didn't identify with being some kind of Ascended Master, then I might not even speak as myself and then my family will be confused, and probably scared. And then that's of no value because then I'll likely be pathologized as as as not feeling well or something. So I don't know if so, Some of those things are like these little clues. But then you just walk around and smile and nod at that sort of thing. And it also told me something like, I donated my body to science as in the science that I'm engaged in, in terms of seeing and the science of the heart. So it's almost like at a certain point, I'm no longer me. And some other aspect of consciousness takes me over. And then it's like, well, I've donated my body to science, which can be interpreted in a scary way, like being afraid of death, or it can be interpreted as some other element of consciousness is taking me over. Like I'm being erased, or almost, I'm erasing myself through this context creation. So it could even be the ego fearing that, because the ego fears its own death, but my ego has died several times. And it's always terrifying. But then there's some semblance of it left, when I get medicated back to reality. So if I don't want to totally lose contact with who I was, perhaps I need to take a Seroquel to slow the process down. Like I said, it likely slows down this brain growth it, it creates a