Birds Into Windows

Surely you’ve heard Alexander Den Heijer’s wise and wonderful:“When the flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower”I’ve had no problem at all applying this to broad issues of the dayIt’s at the heart of trauma-informed careBut it really never occurred to me that it could apply to my life and situation.Today, I was in Thomas Hübl’s community call which is always chock full of wisdom, acceptance and careHe never tires of finding new ways to explain and explore the universal principles inviting us to wholenessAnd I’ll need to watch the recording to pinpoint when I realized I needed to raise my handBut the dynamic was this:As we are willing to be present, curious, and caring, we integrate and things flowAnd I was like:Excuse me. I am so very present and so very curious and pretty dang caring and things are very much not flowingHe asked what that not flowing felt likeAnd I said, well, it’s like i can see what you’re talking about, but there’s a big glass wall I cannot breachSo, of course, he asked about the wall and what it felt like when I encountered itTo which I replied: it feels like a bird hitting a window. Hard stop. Equally dangerous fall.So, he led me on some exploration of the nature of the wall (grief, sadness)And I realized a couple of things:One: I used to be really impatient. Especially with patient people. Come on, folks, get with the program.Then I developed patience, and recognized its many giftsBut guess whatI also have maybe been using patience as avoidanceI’m not saying for sure, I’m just saying it doesn’t sound entirely falseAnd I have to take a couple of breaths and sigh just saying thatBecause patience was hard won, and is wonderful, and is maybe sometimes also a crutchSigh.The other thing I realized is that I have been a bird flying into a window trying to figure out what I have to do differently to get through the window.Not my best choice.But even naming that dynamic has a little freedom in itLike, anthropomorphizing a flower, the moment the flower realizes it’s not exclusively responsible for its lack of bloomingThere’s relief in thereAnd then, quite clearly, some work to do, shifts to makeBut very different attention than the nonfunctional infinity loop I’ve been in.So, I’m very happy for the experienceVery happy for the nascent sensations of space and reliefAnd curious about how that space and relief may expand as I meet my inner walls in new waysYou know, not just smashing up against themWondering what’s wrong with meWishing things were differentMaybe I can open that windowMaybe I can fly in a different directionIt remains to be seenI’m just happy the pattern’s interrupted This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com