Breaking Up With An Illusion, Ego, Concept of Person- why the hurt?

It's a soul splitting experience observing my ego and removing my concept of me as a person to just be with an experience void of a particular outcome; it's an alone feeling experience. My trauma brain loops the same neural pathway; it has taken me quite a few loops and am sensing I am releasing. Heartbreaking me back to Source, I am breaking up with my perception and disillusion of my potential I encased tightly around our dynamic.  Old stories resurfaced about being too much. The ceiling on the dynamic reaffirmed for my brain. I had a taste for sacred sex, again maybe my potential, nonetheless I was awakened to wanting this experience even more so. I am still in search of a deep emotional and sexual connection bringing conscious space for perceptions and interpretations of one another to align more closely with of our own concept of self, yet remain as observers. I bring receptivity to the masculine in search for the masculine to hold safe space for my expansion.