Chapter 7: That's Not Normal - Becoming Suicidal

Content warning: this episode talks openly about suicide, suicidal thoughts, and moments of emotional and physical aggression. Please take care of yourself while you listen. If you are struggling, you are not alone, and there are people ready to help. This is one of the hardest chapters of my story to tell. As that fall went on, my husband's episodes lasted longer and hit harder, and his sleepless nights turned into something I didn't know how to carry. He started telling me about the suicidal thoughts that kept him awake. Somehow I was both the source of his pain and the reason he said he wanted to get better, and the weight of holding both is hard to put into words. In this episode, I walk through the night an almost perfect day shattered on a fifteen-minute walk home, a fight that stretched on for hours, the first time his anger crossed into something physical, and the day I called him selfish with no idea he had just spent it on the phone with a suicide hotline. It's about what it does to you to love someone in crisis, to be blamed for that crisis, and to carry a fear you can't say out loud. It ends with the ultimatum I never thought I would have to give the man I loved. KayllianCollective.com If any part of this episode hit close to home, please know you don't have to carry it alone. In the US, you can call or text 988 anytime to reach the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or chat online at 988lifeline.org. It is free, confidential, and available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and you can reach out whether you are worried about yourself or about someone you love. You do not need to be in immediate danger to talk to someone. If you are outside the US, you can find a helpline in your country at findahelpline.com. And if you or someone else is in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number right away.