Community Question: “Why Didn’t They Just Leave?” — The Hidden Reality of Coercive Control

⚠️ Trigger Warning:This episode contains discussions surrounding coercive control, family violence, emotional abuse, psychological harm, victim survival responses, and trauma-informed legal practice.Listener discretion is advised.In this deeply important follow-up episode of Dear Divorce Diary, family law barrister Darren Mort and family lawyer Joplin Higgins revisit one of the most confronting and misunderstood topics in family law: coercive control.Responding directly to a listener message sent via TikTok following their earlier episode on coercive and controlling behaviour, Darren and Joplin unpack one of the most common — and harmful — public questions surrounding family violence:“Why didn’t they just leave?”This conversation explores the reality that coercive control is rarely obvious, rarely isolated, and almost never simple.What This Episode CoversUnderstanding Coercive Control Beyond Physical ViolenceJoplin explains that coercive control is not one singular act — it is often a layered pattern of behaviours that can include:Emotional abuseFinancial controlIsolation from support networksThreats and intimidationManipulationMonitoring and surveillancePsychological degradationFear-based dependencyThe discussion highlights how difficult coercive control can be to identify, particularly because many victim survivors may not initially recognise the behaviour as abuse themselves.The Importance of Asking the Right QuestionsA major focus of this episode is how lawyers, professionals, friends, and support people can better respond to victim survivors.Joplin discusses:Trauma-informed communicationThe importance of indirect and follow-up questioningAvoiding re-traumatisationCreating emotional safety during disclosureTaking detailed notes so victims don’t have to repeatedly relive traumaThe episode shines a light on how sensitive and skilled communication can help identify patterns of coercive behaviour that may otherwise remain hidden.Why Leaving Isn’t SimpleDarren and Joplin strongly challenge the damaging misconception that victims can “just leave.”The episode explores:Fear of retaliationThreats of self-harm by perpetratorsThreats involving childrenFinancial dependenceEmotional traumaSafety planningThe psychological paralysis caused by ongoing abuseThey explain that leaving a coercively controlling relationship is often the most dangerous period for a victim survivor.How Friends & Family Can Safely Support Someone Experiencing AbuseOne of the most practical sections of this episode focuses on what supportive friends can do.Joplin shares examples of trauma-informed support strategies including:Creating a safe home environmentEstablishing emergency safe wordsHolding important documents securelyProviding emotional support without judgmentAvoiding pressure or ultimatumsRespecting the victim survivor’s pace and safety assessmentThe conversation stresses that support should centre around safety and empowerment — not control or expectation.Listener NoteIf this episode raises concerns for you or someone you know, please seek support from a qualified domestic violence service, counsellor, legal professional, or emergency service in your area.Connect With Dear Divorce DiaryFollow Dear Divorce Diary for more real conversations around:Family lawSeparationParenting disputesTrauma and recoveryDomestic and family violenceCourt processesRelationships and emotional wellbeing🎧 Available on podcast platforms, YouTube, TikTok, Instagram and LinkedIn. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.