Kevin Hoffkins: Writing a Parenting Plan an Ex Can't Exploit

Somewhere in the plan sits a holiday clause that reads "as the parties agree." A year later they agree on nothing, and two lawyers are billing to argue over a single word. Kevin L. Hoffkins has watched that happen for decades, and his fix is unglamorous: write it down, and write it specifically.Kevin L. Hoffkins is a divorce and family law attorney based in Westport, Connecticut, where he has practiced for around 35 years, much of it in high-conflict custody and parenting-time disputes. He litigates the cases where two parents cannot be in the same room without a fight, and he argues that a lot of what sends them back to court traces to a plan built from a standard template with vague language left in.Kevin and Lisa talk through how to close those gaps. A notice requirement that actually costs the other parent something when they cancel at the last minute. The difference between a fee clause a judge can decline to enforce and one written as "shall." Why a single late pickup usually is not worth a motion, and why a tamper-resistant parenting app matters once you are building a record. When persistent written disparagement can support a request for supervised time. And why an agreement the two of you negotiate tends to be far more specific than anything a judge will order from the bench.They also cover religion in a parenting plan and the compromise Kevin reached in a Jehovah's Witness case, the family traditions worth naming that no judge would know to protect, and why he settles the parenting plan before the financial pieces when he takes on a divorce.As always, this is strategic education, not legal or mental-health advice for your specific situation.🎓 What you'll learnWhy vague words like "reasonable" get weaponized, and the specific language to use insteadHow to write real consequences into a plan: notice requirements and cost coverage when a parent no-shows"Shall" vs "may," and "actual" vs "reasonable" attorney's fees, and why the wording changes everythingWhy one missed exchange rarely justifies court, and how to build a documented pattern firstSpelling out holidays, school breaks, birthdays, and traditions down to the day and hourWhy you or your attorney should draft the first version of the plan, not the other sideHandling religion, non-disparagement, and monitoring for written disparagementWhy an agreement you negotiate usually beats a judge's order for specificity⏱️ Chapters 0:00 Intro 1:00 Why vague "gray language" sends parents back to court 3:00 What to tell your attorney about the other parent 5:00 Notice rules and cost consequences when a parent no-shows 7:00 One incident vs a pattern, documenting, and going back to court 11:00 Fee clauses: "shall" vs "may," "actual" vs "reasonable" 15:00 Religion, the Jehovah's Witness case, and non-disparagement 19:00 Written disparagement, monitoring, and therapy for the rejected parent 23:00 Spelling out pickups, holidays, and school breaks 29:00 Agreement vs court order, mediators, and who drafts first 33:00 Child-centered divorce and doing the parenting plan firstKeep going 💜 Book a free 30-minute discovery call and we'll help you map your next steps: https://beentheregotout.com/call 📘 Been There Got Out: Toxic Relationships, High-Conflict Divorce, and How to Stay Sane Under Insane Circumstances — https://www.amazon.com/dp/194627495X 📘 Been There Got Out: When Your Ex Turns the Kids Against You (our parental-alienation book) — https://www.amazon.com/dp/1967674183 🔗 Kevin L. Hoffkins at The Law Offices of Kevin L. Hoffkins: https://www.hoffkinslaw.com/ 🔗 Kevin L. Hoffkins bio: https://www.hoffkinslaw.com/about/About Been There Got Out Chris Barry and Lisa Johnson are high-conflict divorce, custody, and co-parenting strategists, and the founders of Been There Got Out. They know these cases from the inside: both have successfully represented themselves in family court. Few attorneys have a playbook for a case like this — Chris and Lisa write yours with you, so you and your kids can get through it as unscathed as possible.