Well again all you new dads and Mad Labs welcome to another episode of Jesse and Wilder's Guide to Life. I'm Jesse, that's Wilder and we're back like we were never gone. It's couldn't have been that long. I don't think.
Just a couple minutes ago. You mean gone? Yeah, good call. Good call.
Gone long enough that our Google voice number did shut down in activity? Like when you crash a website because doing people are using it? Yes. That type of like Coachella website going down because everyone's trying to buy tickets at the same time?
Yes, that's correct. I do have an announcement though. What? It goes a little something like Guess What's Back with Sean McGrath.
It's it. Yeah. Oh yeah. I came prepared with a trio of delicacies.
If you don't, if you could take the snack out of the city, but you just can't take the city out of the snack. If you're unfamiliar, this is a thing that I do where I find some yucky snacks. It started in Podegas. Now they're just kind of what finds it's way across my desk and I try them live on here.
So I have a couple of things going on. This got from a student. It's cool. We never done this on the thing.
This is a coupe later? European cookies. Now it says European cookies by will direct you to the back where the language appears to be Korean or that's not. It's not one of the European.
I'm not. Yeah. This was from a student. I think it Christmas time.
Premium. I like premium. Premium is a. It smells kind of good.
It has like a wafer. What a love kind of cook is it. Oh yeah. They're little.
Oh a flat. It's a wafer. A sandal. Yeah.
Short. Like a strip waffle. Oh, it's a mone. It's so good.
Yeah. It looks good. What's going on in the middle? Like a little.
It's almost like a little cream. What are the I think does Mrs. Debbie's got like a it's like wafers and it's layered. Is that you don't talk about sure.
It's not but it's just one and it says delicious across the front which is tight. Like you like. I like that. I like that.
It looks like a little bit of like a squid game cookie like you might have to. You know wet and needle edges of that thing. Damn this is good. Okay.
I'm going to save that for later. I call this the main course. Start. Yeah.
Sam Carmen snacks. Crisp and classic onion and parsley cracker puffs. I don't love I love what what it's presenting itself to be. Smells good.
These are like little delicious. Look at the piece of pocket. Mummy. Mm hmm.
Is it it? It's just an onion cracker? Is it hollow? Yes.
It's fine. It's fine. One student just dumped a bunch of snacks on your desk or what? No, this is for my grandma.
Okay. This is part of a picture for my grandma. My last one is also from grandma. They're cool.
They taste like the Maui onion chips which I do like but they are not um, it's good. It's good because they're also many months old. This is not great audio but I just been having snacks in the cupboard and I'm sort of like you know. Yeah.
Clear in the inbox as it works. Last one looks like an airplane snack. This is a this one is kind of the main event. A de laissezia pastry cream.
It's like a prepackaged eclair. Looks gross. It's gross. For me.
I don't like cream filled pastries. Is it like a premium pastry baked in Italy? Premium. A little fast and loose with a premium terminology.
No, these are premium snacks bro. Not everything gets to be premium. Says you. Yeah.
This is it looks old. You know what I mean dude? You know what I mean dude? It's old bro.
Looks like it's the vet. Okay, it's interesting. It comes in sort of the cardboard. It looks sticky.
The cardboard it's like a packaged as a McDonald's apple pie would be. It's in like a cardboard sleeve. Yeah. For microwaving?
So much crumpled. Is that wise? Imagine microwaving this bro. I don't know what the fuck it is.
Hold on. Okay. The texture is out of sand. I will say.
The texture is no good. The flavor is not bad. But what is this cream? What is the cream?
No, that's not. I don't. That's so not for me. I wouldn't even have any clear if I in the real world.
Like a not one that came out of a cardboard sleeve. Okay. This is really bad. So they're kind of like.
They call the eclair for like the 20th century. The 21st. This is the textures of sand. It has sort of a burnt flavor.
And I think that's supposed to make it seem authentic. You know like a like it's got a nice crust or something. And the filling. So I think is like a whipped.
I assume just like a heavy cream like a whipped cream sort of situation. Sure. This tastes like cake frosting. Yeah.
Yeah. No, that's not it. I don't want that. So if I had to rank these, it would be in reverse order, I think.
Or I ate them in the best order. In proper order. Yeah. Unintentionally.
Well, that's good. That's three city snacks. I might keep munching on these little cookies are pretty good. Well, you are eating for two.
All right. Good transition. Pretty good. What you been up to?
Nothing. Nothing different or new for me. I guess is our first sequel episode because I became a dad four months ago, which has explained to the four month gap in the release in episodes. Yeah, that explains it.
Usually we're incredibly punctual with this. That's right. That's right. Everybody knows that.
You probably like something major must have happened in their lives for this unexplained absence. Yeah. One of their I'm not used to as a fan. But did the electricity band in Asheville finally come for Wilder's head?
You know, did. Yeah. Yeah. What what manner of disaster is in California or North Carolina this time?
What you it was Jesse kidnapped. You know, it was everyone. That's what all the voicemails and text messages are asking. They're ransom.
They were demanding Jesse back. Yeah. Yeah. I got three snacks that I just ate for me.
And then I got I got both in the deal. I got myself and the snacks. Yeah. No, I became a dad, obviously.
That's the whole thing. And I think okay, as far as categories go, I this is going to sound stupid. I think so. I feel like when we did the first episode, I will I assume you're the same as going to be true for you.
I'm not going to go back and look at that. There's no chance. I didn't listen to the episode. I'm not doing any homework.
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I am. I think we talked a lot about in like dad cliches.
We talked about dad jokes. We were talking about types of dads. It's of advice. Yeah.
History, yeah. Where do you feel where if you had to pick a classic dad type where are you where you slide in between these days, okay, the four month born stage. Yeah, yeah. A good question.
So I tell you like no time for barbecue dad. You can't be working on the car right now dude. It's not the time that we're working on the car. Right, right.
Okay. Well this is the deal right? Unless there's a little crib in there. It's not running that's true.
You can't they don't tell you could put a crib in the car. You put the baby on the roof if you want. As long as it's not running. I'm not going to be ever card dad that ship is sale.
I don't think I'm ever going to be history dad. You know like not smart enough. Not not interested enough although I did I will say within the first month of my limitations But the first month of my son's life. I read the wager which is a book about like a I think it was like an 18th century English warship Really interesting though those man of war is crazy You should check that everyone get that's a little bit grilled at I feel like grill dad is what you're lining yourself up Well, yes, yes, I got I got a smoker already, right?
We just got a blackstone so I'm out there making breakfast sandwiches. I'm out there making burgers It just feels like real dad is incoming the problem is this is the problem I feel like I know some grill dads and it's because it sounds a girl dad. I don't have a girl. It's grill dad only Girl that's different.
I won't be that cooler way to say than girl dad. Yeah, the problem is that like real grill dads Care so much more about that hashtag real life. Then you know what I mean I like it's part of like host dad though. What does that mean?
More than like cooking up snacks for the guests rather than like it's grill day, right? Cuz I don't that's it. I don't care about like Like we have a smoker right but it's an electric pellet smoker and that's like Frowned upon you have to be doing the smoking pretty much before people arrive. That's right.
That's right So I'm gonna smoke these ribs for 12 hours I think like I think I'm angling for like sexy dad or like oh like sort of like yeah cool cool smart dad That's probably one that I'm just sort of pioneering That can't be right, you know like like sexy ass George Clooney dad that it's like that's the sort of the category I see myself in What do others what in the back in the earth on the rest of the world? What do people they might see me more like more of a John Ham I personally like George. I think I'm more of a Clooney you sing ham. Hey Brother what kind of categories you cooking I think this sounds horrible.
So tell me if this is wrong before I'm close Okay, we could we could go back to that river we wouldn't and we could just kind of like revisit those categories I think that's a bad idea. I don't I got because but baby is only four months old and I don't know shit about a lot of this dad stuff What if he did before during and after and I'm sort of talking about his arrival, you know Well, yeah, just like fucking let it fly see what you got cook I'm just gonna take a casual glance over this. Oh good. It seems like not a lot is anything like We did seems like we talked a lot about fictional dads in this right right right I see here that kingpin of a meth cartel is a very Not quite lit characteristic.
Yeah, that's it won't be my not smart enough for that or dangerous Nothing good is going on in Our stinkers, which is why we're back at it. Okay. No, we don't have you those. Okay.
All right, so let okay, so here's Let me just hit you with something and you can tell me what where you think how you think this fits because I don't know categories Yeah, maybe part of being a parent and a lot of this by the way, this is daddy, too This is mostly just like parent like new parent stuff. Yeah, never in my life. Have I? Learned more stuff that I will not need again in like Near weeks do you know I mean like I'm sitting a lot of test.
Yes, like a school test kind of what happened Yeah, you're man of war right right but it's like but it's like even that is like fun trivia at least you know Where it's like oh, I remember when we talked to oh, yeah, our student friends Ferdinand He is a assassination was world war boy and depending on what situation you're in your reciting that fact to people right there No, hopefully warranted but but nobody nobody cares like for example What month an infant starts to recognize their own hands? Do you mean or like what is the best sort of way sure to Make sure your baby Black head that's because you're an alcoholic. I am not knowing your own hands. Yeah, dude, okay, okay, so this is terrifying What the fuck are these things?
I know so this is all right? Let me go. Okay. I got a category so stupid They're so stupid do they don't know anything revelation.
I don't even know their own fucking hands. This is like is a category to me and I think a revelation that I've had is like how tight some of this guys I'm gonna try and be funny and stuff, but some of it's just gonna come off as like Just being excited about stuff, which you're tricking the baby juice everyone. That's true has a baby They drink their baby. You have it as you wring it out like a what?
Are they are they able to start ringing them for their for their nectar? You could do that right away They could honestly do it while they're in the womb still if you know the right techniques So revelation dude the revelation I had is done. I do get hyped on stupid milestones like well It's like a video game achievement Kind of yeah, and it's just I mean your point of like can't recognize their own hands so dumb What's funny is that like that's not something I didn't that I wasn't looking at him like this city I can't even see his own hands. He doesn't know anything sure but then he hits a time where there's like literally a day where I see him go Like he's belong to me.
I'm like he's freaking out and I'm also freaking out You didn't know and now you're learning your own mushrooms thing right? That's right like you it's cool to Like as a teacher my favorite moments is when like a student has their mind like blown in class that happens like once every six years You know like that doesn't sure yeah, he's probably cooking up He's probably cooking up mind blowing moments constantly bro He just and of course I'm reading all this shit about like what do they do so right now this stage He's in he's just now starting to like associate multiple senses together So like he could look at something and touch it and know that like I feel that because of that Like he can hear a fart now and smell it and be like that noise made that smell and You wilder and I Jesse are you gonna teach him a fart is a burp and a burp is a fart it is there his Temptation isn't there to teach you stuff a little while What do you have anything that your parents taught you or told you that you didn't realize was just like a fucking lie or fake What do you go not so much lie or fake but rickshaw taught me a snarky line before I knew what it meant He told me to say if people say wilder than what to say never heard that one before so I was cooking people To the ground is like a four-year-old without really realizing I was like yes That's a big deal, but I said it once someone they're like oh fuck yeah And that's great because you like good, you know they don't expect it yeah, I think there is an eight four is great There is an age when that becomes fucking annoying if you're like an eight-year-old You know it's funnier when the kid doesn't know what you're doing Yeah, it's like who taught you that you know like they know you didn't come up with it Yeah, you're like ten and you say that's like hey buddy take a fucking heart yeah Oh, dude, you know what you can't have you know when you get there's a kid There's just it's just like you're 50, but you're 10 The despite like I like that. I like that. I have an old soul.
No no. I like an old soul more than a here's my thing Wouldn't you rather have a ten-year-old that's 50 then like a ten-year-old that's 15? Yes Who like yes? Oh like wants to like wants to put one air pot in while he's at the dinner table like well We're not doing this for sure.
Yeah, I'd rather they talk to me about like old grandma phones or whatever Yeah, if they want to yeah, but I want to wear bow tie like I don't know go nuts So all is one of the lesser of two evils I suppose yeah, you rather an old soul than like a slightly older soul Okay, so teachings comebacks. I like a comeback. That's good. So I'm gonna come back to work.
We're gonna go. That's a three Uh-huh. I think harmless lies dude. It's a I think it's a three.
How do you have it? Like what's a harmless like? I don't even know I'm not okay. So I was talking to a child.
I just read that needle. Yes. I was talking to This morning My mind obviously has much older but my mom when I was like I don't know seven if we would like go to the post office she would have me run the letter in to drop off and She would be like okay Hurry fast. I'm gonna time you and then I would run with that fucking letter and then I would come back She would go oh my god too fast couldn't even time you and like in my head I was like a masculine but like what you doing with lying to make me hurry or You know like that.
I guess I'm less of a lot more of a trick fake like tricking them in the thing and they got power it seems good Yes, like yes, um oh my god Oh dude, I have such a good category actually and this sucks because I don't think there's gonna be any good ones But dude, there's so many rules when you have a little baby. Oh, yeah Um, let me give you one that I you know, I feel that rules I know it sucks too, but you also the tight ship is crucial right sure so like I'll give you a quick rule It's not funny But like the all of that like listen to the doctors is tight I when sometimes you talk to people and they're like well our doctor said this but Yeah, yeah, what do you do again? Yeah, my project right my whole family is like the doctor was very adamant Like you if you want a little baby you got to have these different vaccinations until he's all vaccinated up And my family has been mostly cool about it You can tell give us a look like these look at a load of these guys these guys I'm like hey, can you uh, oh actually do you have a little touch's face, please? Because you're first of all yeah, it's hey, don't do people be touching babies.
You know about this No, I know about it. I don't fucking get it. Do you like the first I don't know I I I nothing no there is no I'm trying to think of something comparable to hold with your hands that is more high stress or pressure I don't even know what it is running running a touchdown in the Super Bowl perhaps maybe I You could physically grab with your arms. That is a higher I don't know I feel like we have a somebody has come we've come very far with like you got up You should ask people before you pet their dogs, you know, how are we not for safety though?
It's it's a selfish itself correct if all dogs were psyched about it people wouldn't ask right? But guess what not all babies are so we went to a party somebody came over given one of these ready a little scretches Grat on his chin he immediately started crying we believe he was like Yeah, that's bananas to me. I mean like I feel like yeah touch They must touch the child Holding at least like you can't take him from me right? You have to ask with holding and I just will say no you can't Let me do like let me do oh my god And it's such a tough sitch cuz it's a lot of time to be your friends and they get close and you're like I can't quite jumping yet And you don't want to see great to me What's comparable to that would be if someone if you were like a museum curator and you were like check it I just got this Ming Dynasty vase.
It's the only one it's the only one I'll ever have It's also biologically connected to me. That's what you like to hold it. Yeah, if you drop it, it'll be gone It'll be gone. It'll be ruined forever.
You take it. Yeah, and that's why I have dirty little hands Slippery. Yeah, it's also slippery and it might not like that also Get out so to me it's like you hold a mint priceless Ming vase and what is it and to be honest? What do you get out of that?
I mean look I'm both of us I don't want to hold a dog neither of us are on the ground right neither of us are like baby crazy and like obviously I do love my baby, but like I'm not like it doesn't like it doesn't like it or like oh my god But like oh my god, what you get out of pictures people deliver the dick Get you gotta it is a sight to be hold on a sleep to hypnosis Yeah, we walked into a part We're a lot of parties we walked into a party last night and Or yesterday and there were so many people and as we walked in and there's like probably 20 people in the room Rehead turn and goes oh and I could see it was a guy zombie movie like they all get like and I ran to the backyard I was like yeah, yeah Got the fuck out of it. So tell me talk to me of the perks because there's no there's a lot of discussion You know you'll never feel happiness again. Whatever all that is. That's right But you said something earlier you got to leave a party.
That's right. That's right. That's a real reason now No one's gonna question it. Oh, baby's doing he's doing something.
He's something. He's anything gotta go bingo Okay, okay come to this thing cuz of baby actually no I'm gonna relate to this thing cuz of baby that though. Yes. That's I'm gonna put some revelations because perks is all gonna be all good Right?
That's what perk is well. Yeah. Yeah. So revelations.
Yes late to anything and and like not a go. Yeah time is nothing anymore To anyone that's not you know it's just ultimate excuse elite. Yeah, I'll give you another one It's a good. It's a good.
It's a great excuse to do fun kitchen now like we got we got a fucking zoom membership Maybe I'll just walk around the zoo guess what he's asleep the whole time. There's this kid. Yeah, you'll never believe it with his father Cat boy. Yeah, I'm like a damn He got it from a nap and I was like okay perfect I'll take him on a walk now because he just got up so he's not gonna fall asleep 20 minutes and was asleep again, and it's like that's interesting you just took a two and a half hour nap You're not really supposed to know this another learn from the best though.
Oh, no, dude I know what about the not obvious cons like see I'm thinking about you know those trolls movies I never seen them, but yeah same. I never seen them. I love I love animated movies There's a reason I never seen them. It's cuz I'd rather stab my own fucking eyes out than see every now And then a little animated movie comes out some similar to that where it's just like I don't think I could sit through this Yes, I don't think I could get through it.
That's gonna happen. There's gonna be one where it's gonna be like oh this one That's the one you want to see huh? Yes, I mean you don't want to do the other one I'll tell you that some I guess we'll call it. We're gonna pop these revelations still this these categories are a mess Yeah, that hasn't hit yet, but yet like that Yeah, early for that yes, but like also like the whole like where they like one song and it's like I have to tell you okay Here's a revelation I've had Chelsea not and this is I'm gonna knock out what right now because I'm gonna put a fucking witches curse on our household Yeah, okay Chelsea I kind of think a lot of like the big parenting complaints come from unforced errors like this I believe that it's like a lot of people say like some sometimes we're out in public and we see people doing something Or like here's a great example Chelsea's in a mom's group, which is Interesting, I don't know where to put that.
That's like a bonus point. It's not quite a bonus point or a demerit I'm not sure Like responsible is that like a responsible what comes with it? It's it's a fucking um, what's the word? I'm looking for the addition like yeah Yeah, a cool from all the speeches.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah bonus features and I'm gonna say parent group is a two because Sometimes it's a lot of times it's really cool at school that tells you how like people talk to you that we're like go through a lot of Stuff blah blah sometimes they're just like fucking dicks like They'll just give unsolicited advice, which is like, oh you've been a parent the exact amount of time Oh god. They love talking about the one month extra experience. They have bonus features dude that come around with it Everyone's advice.
Mmm. Everybody got advice people that don't have kids got advice Well, you should have you guys try doing that. I remember my mom. I'm like you don't remember.
No, no, no No, no, no, no, no, no, no, he's four months old. You don't you don't remember and you're fucking mom Did something wrong if you're offering kid advice to people? I also was just like people that give advice that are like, you know, it's like Oh, well, I was like people that are our parents age, you know, that are like they have kids But their kids are like our age now that want to give advice It's like are they like they still had lead and paint when you were raising kid like shut the fuck up. Yeah I will also just like this is a take completely stolen from Griffith back early, but like that's a good one A lot of people up to say dude.
Um, oh my god enjoy it. It goes so fast. Yeah, thanks I wasn't enjoying it. Thank you for prompting me to enjoy it.
You fucking loser like I'm sorry You didn't enjoy it I'm sorry that you neglected your kids and like that as though that was like a concept He wasn't aware of at the time the person saying that no one if someone just told me to enjoy it Yeah, that's the reason I didn't know me to I was walking around my fucking four month old like this sucks That's why I'm at the zoo because I'm not enjoying it shut up the big dude. This is good. This is good trial run But the baby is actively sleeping Underneath this room That's okay. That's a new bonus you do walking on eggshells.
So, yeah fucking like your schedule is not your own. Okay, not my amon I mean you're gonna work and stuff. Okay The schedule I'm actually gonna put as a two because Some of it's kind of nice to just like live Knap to nap feeding to feeding it's ultra-structed and I don't hate it, you know like their moments I'm like god. I wish I could just fucking chill.
I wish that we didn't have like 75 million things to do But there are nobody asking you to a 4pm lunch now. That's for damn sure So big fact baby if they do I will ignore them They're like they're not even getting up, but you're the creator of the for now you are the 4pm one Yes, luckily we have this is like another bonus Yeah, but I think you lunch at 4pm turn this fucking show off dude. This is not for you No, I'm not I'll tell you what the bigger issue is is not a 4pm lunch It's like a 5pm dinner because you start to look at the schedule and you're like alright Well, he's gonna have to go to bed at this time and we got to give him a bath and but it's not being right now dude Revelations is a bad revelation like it's much harder to eat that one is a fact I feel like people talk about that but like it's so annoying that he like it feels like every time we sit down for dinner He's like is right when he's like um, so pick me up now, please pick me up No dinner for you Oh jealous dude, that's because you're getting that good food. He's getting the bullshit and now he can sniff it You know he's getting that sniffing rules dude rules I feel so there's a lot of like it's so much enrichment dude and like I have I talked with a bad thought about this all the time There's kind of a push as you could imagine To sort of like min max your baby, you know where it's like if you play them this music and you do these activities And you keep to this schedule.
What's with the music you got to do the special music the Mozart the baby won't be smart You play music for the baby. That's all beans dude. We don't talk about that shit anymore. That's we I've played a lot of Nintendo music and he flexed with that I use that Nintendo spotify that they came out with and I thought was so stupid and now it only has games from like 1991 Yeah, we crank it now though, baby.
Yeah good. So that's cool. You know, I don't know it it sucks to Like feel like everything. There's just oh man revelations dude the guilt the guilt is Constant and that's probably a new thing not a him thing But like if we're not enriching him, you know if it's like We're just like turning into one of those fucking hooligans, right?
That's exactly right or like what if this is rich him Yes, what if what if we're doing it wrong right now? What do you know? I you know what I mean? Like there's the moment he becomes a serial killer, right?
It's also it's all it's like he's gonna be an incel because I set him down on his play mat and like look at my phone for 20 minutes And that I feel like is the one that he just punished him by watching Joker Smart that'll be seen for sure. He's in the lots of trouble than he has to watch a Todd Phillips. No, oh, he's always in trouble Hey, he's gonna love him to hang over running from the law. God damn dude Try and think of what else so much the problems are so much.
Yeah, okay, okay, okay, okay like You are that your daddy now you once we're not daddy. That's right now. You are daddy What's what is what is grand daddy become like how does daddy one become daddy three at this point first of all death? This is he didn't play in the strip They're going for a wedding but dad lab is just about to exit the babies about to be Be held by everyone because its vaccinations are gonna be Mm-hmm.
Like literally like next to him. He's gonna be waiting with their fucking nasty thing. You know pass out wet naps And dad lab is like was like pretty excited. I can't wait but but Dad is going to Italy for 26 days Moving to Italy For 26 days They are going to a wedding and you're not gonna believe that wedding he's just staying there wedding is not 20 Yeah, that's where they are Okay, so that's like one thing he's doing is His other thing that I will say is like It's terrifying to me, but he got weight loss surgery because he wants to live longer for the baby So in two months dad lab has lost 70 pounds dang.
Yeah, lift him. Yeah, lift and baby Yeah, not yet after he gets back from dude. I've been doing that. Do you do the pizza?
Why don't spin now? We don't spin on our knuckles. Yeah, dude. Why not?
What ways do you spin them? Do I gotta go for ways to spin them? I'll spin on as a little one of those you toss them in the air not yet I'm gonna break his neck. It's current I can't when I see the people tossing the babies in the air dude It fucking scares the living hell out of me that is more thrilling than a Tom Cruise picture out there I can't be watching people throw their infants into the sky.
Dude. Maybe they catch him probably but like whoa It's just so insane. Okay, here's a revelation dude the the like fragile to and I'm gonna put this up pretty good Cuz I haven't really experienced the full transformation yet fragile too invincible is feels like the escalation and it's like immediate Oh, like for a long time or like Sure, I Already had a baby but their babies a little bit older and I picked him up sort of like under his armpits and just Oh, don't do that. Don't dislocate shoulders.
I was like obviously I hand him back like I'm done. That's done. We're done with that, right? Oh, bro.
This is why I don't it's an American But then you meet somebody who has like a shoulder a year old, you know still a baby can barely walk and barely talk and they're just Fucking they're spinning that fucking theory. Yeah, sure. Oh my god. They're next or snap.
I'm a hiker on my head Don't ever believe it. But look at me now. I know yeah I mean this is I hate this is like goes with the bonus features and the advice and shit the old heads being like Well, it was fine when we did it to you like your stupid Bad work out like my parents bring up pretty often is like well We used to put you a pillow sack and swing you over our heads and you turned out okay, that's like guys Yeah, I mean, yeah, a lot of people do a lot of things don't die guess what people also just like to take you out for the day It was like a fun activity like they're trick-or-treating they would put me in a pillowcase and Swinging like a fucking bolo Catch somebody's ankles across the house dude and they're like we did that and you turned out alright I'm like yeah, man. I can't people like when you just remember everyone when you hear these stories Just remember that I was raised by teenagers.
So for them sure is like just as fun. It's just as much fun Revelation that I have that's obviously very not quite lit is like they're so Nessie the babies are rose dude nasty. They're always got something on them. They're never clean never clean guess what our babies We don't play this game where they're yeah, right?
They got fucking schmutz on them off white But schmutz right off you can't have them covered in stuff if there's stuff on their face for example Get it out of there if there's stuff on their little fucking grubby fingers. I understand it's harder But just get it just put them in a little tank put them in a little hazmat suit It's fine. They make baby hazmat suits. I agree.
I'm sure that I think a revelation that goes with that is like You have to know what you like and this is a two kind of you figure out as a as a daddy as a new parent You figure out like what? You don't care about as much right for some people which I hate it's like we're just gonna They're all kids just gonna be a mess cuz they're gross and for me. That's a no-fly. Don't the kid is not gonna be a mess can't be I don't know what we don't care.
Oh, yeah, dude. I have a fucking negative 1000 rules me This is one of those like optimize your baby things. There's this thing that people talk about first of all like So much of what Chelsea and I do is we have to like research He's fucking like trends in child rearing and then decide whether or not we want to do that thing right homework bro Debaria it's homework more homework. Oh my god never ending homework, and I'm telling you bro It's stuff that like you forget about right away.
It's also stuff that like in 20 years I'll be like well when we raised you we did this and people are gonna be like yeah, you fucking idiot. That's stupid That's why we don't do that anymore. Yeah, like one of the things dude is that when your kid gets old enough to like Sort of like it like understand you right? Eight months I don't fucking like There's this new thing I don't know how new it is where you're not supposed to give them praise for regular things So for example, but you're not to be annoying.
No not even so that it's like if you throw you better have a dog, right? Yeah, you toss a treat to a dog dog catches it. What do you say? Oh great job buddy, right?
Because that's excited you're excited. It's called on well done lad if a baby You see a baby they got two Legos they put the legos together perfectly. I'm like yo, that's tight good job Not supposed to do that and it's like something to do with like in transit versus extrinsic motivation and like if you start to tell Them good boy for things that they're supposed to do like for example either food but they're for well You're supposed to do that that shouldn't be good job It's that's so if you want to compliment them you can compliment them more specifically and say I really like the way that you Ain't all your food, but you shouldn't say good job eating all your food and it's like this seems so convoluted There's no fucking way like do you like I don't get what the why guess what is the end goal? Is the end goal that you create a super baby that becomes a super person because I bet like yes I don't yeah I guess the end goal is no no issues.
You'll be the first person that never has an issue I guess yeah, like I don't get that so much that is like if you do this it'll do this thing It's like I hate to be this guy, but like damn dude Do you think how many like Pulitzer Prize winning like writers? Do you think like their parents didn't tell them good job? Like I don't know what are you fucking achieving here like what is the what does it seem like they're training you to make a little Super robot. Yeah, and it's like what I don't do you think that's gonna happen?
Do you think that like your kid is gonna be valedictorian and my kid is gonna be a degenerate because well when he pooped in the toilet We didn't say good job. No, dude as soon as I get so big I'm gonna fucking throw up a rate. It's gonna be so tight. It's never changed.
I break it And then your other little annoying kid doesn't get told good job is gonna watch people eat and they're gonna eat all their food They're gonna be like why'd you do that you want some fucking motivation right fucking applause right? Pretend you know my food cuz I fucking do it for myself Yeah, I'm doing for me Never told good job about anything that kid's gonna be the weirdo. Yeah, that's a unibomber dude Rules that no good job. I got another fucking rule dude or it's like I don't know I've strategy Do you know anything about baby led weaning?
I'm sure you do not what's the word you're saying weaning? Baby led was where you said between baby and that way lead so baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah those words, okay I know baby. I'm gonna hit you with it.
This could be just exceptionally boring to people me just talk about that not but Babies are bottle and we used what we used to do is when they use stop being a bottle You get the little jars of formula or you make or not formula baby food or you make some food and you give them or like You or like maybe your mom gave you applesauce you scuba I was off the book baby Let me is like we're supposed to let babies do the food stuff so that they like the food stuff So instead what like and this is like all of these like strategies There's like different so you put out like the pancake mix and the eggs basically real No, they're like they're like if you're like if you're having chicken at home You should just give your baby some chicken press and just let them eat it or naughty that whatever it doesn't matter It doesn't matter the problem is that you never see a mess your kid because what happens is kid takes it and just like Don't know when it's not gonna get their face nobody's feeding that you're also feed them with baby Like literally it's like one of the first things they do is they say give them a celery stock and just let them hold it and gnaw it I'm like, I guess you like it though. You're not gonna like a celery stinks Yeah, because not gonna eat it cuz not have tea Like if I wanted to like food shouldn't you get to eat the food don't should I just like mash up some sweet potato puree or some applesauce Or something yeah, give them a spoonful of that and you'll be like Parsnip root puree or something. Yeah, it's like a chilcy like fucking iron-shifting baby food But you want me to just what hand him a fucking raw potato like I don't think so yeah You want to chew on something so bad you little shit. Yeah, stick this fucking turn up in your mouth Yeah, the all of the like all of the like here's the way to I don't know dude.
They're so it's just so that's it though That's it. It's fucking shut up. Just shut up. Just shut up people gonna do their thing In five years everyone to be like I can't believe you did that you're insane We don't anymore thousands of years we've been making people some of them are good some of them are bad And it's not because of the fucking celery you did or did not give them new or the good job You did or did not tell them when they didn't craft their pants that day or whatever Dude, how much fucking tell it just like briefly touch on the poo poo and the peepee dude not that much poo poo Okay, this is another thing.
Okay. This is another thing that like this is I'm gonna I'm gonna rue the day I'm saying this because I feel like I'm putting sure yeah fucking poop pocket lips is coming for you now So like people all the time talk about the content of blowouts I'm as I soon you could just figure out what that means you the baby Like runs up their back like it goes through their clothes. It's just a bomb that goes off in their terrible terrible dude people like the lady's the mom group just like oh my god another blowout there's like and Our man has no one dude. He's had one in four months.
Oh people like every day I feel like the upside down or something why they always upside down I'm like are you fucking putting the right-sized diapers? I'm like what's going on in there? And like I'm sure it's just like we have we are lucky with a kid that doesn't blast ass But like it just like the like the blowout's bro is just never happy word to you It sucks and it's like that's the common verbage everybody say blowout So blowouts go crazy. We don't get them the our boy.
He poops like once every three days It's gnarly when he does it but it doesn't but like and we were like what the hams is this is as he supposed to poop or it's not a concern Unless they go seven days without pooping. Well, if I went seven days out poops like in just like for us humans Oh, yeah, it's perfect as our babies not a human So I'm not the poo poops and the pips pips are not not so bad the dibies are not as bad as I'll tell you what the worst part of the Dibies are dude. Hmm is we got this fucking diaper pail where you put the diapers in a little bat and it's like slides closed It's like a trash can that closes fuck dude. Now.
This is gonna. This is gross Yeah, it's not up. Oh, that's all is well. Oh keeping that yeah, dude This what you should do is get like a little shoot this right outside Yeah, shoot him around the hood any neighbors that fucking bother you do that we got plenty of them I just blasted with those dibes.
Yeah, so the dibes not as bad as I thought it would be To be honest he did do a thing for a while where he's just like as soon as the end This is like a big thing with boys is like the PP everywhere so you take the diaper off and they feel the coldness on their They're still doing it's like right. Yeah, they're called the wilder special But for a while he was little he was just like every time pissing on his own face Just like a perfect arch yeah from his dingle right to his Pringle, but that has that has gone away a little bit Damn. Yeah, dude. I'm trying to think of other the other common Like oh no dude.
Oh no dude. I mean easy. I like revelations dude is like you don't really know how Delirious you can get you know, I mean it puts your delir which I think is a three because like I don't like oh I kind of like a little like a drug. It's a little bit Yeah, I mean like a new drug exhaustion Especially like if one of us is like gone for any set amount of time the other one's taking care of him It's just like you become like we do a lot of singing to him But none of us knows any lullabies or children's songs so instead we do rage against the machine We do covers but we so our nickname frame is beep We just because he's short a lot when he was looking So he's called beep so just do covers with with his name in a million tons and not his name his nickname beep But and then also but like it's not even kids like I was doing what's my age again But look what you do when you're for months old, you know like it's just like that's the type of shit we're getting into over here It's for you.
It's for you. It's for me. It's definitely not for him. That's not for him.
Yeah Dude, that's the song you got to know though. Yeah, we're teaching him right, you know got that one What else we got it's like a new yeah, it's a new one every day This is this is nothing for no one but you just become your brain melts, but in a cool and kind of a cool way I recommend it. It's neat and I feel like your fear is the same fear that I had which is that like I'm scared I'm gonna kill it. I'm scared.
I'm gonna kill this little critter Right like you sure um How do you get over that? I care about plenty of things a lot and I make mistakes with those things I care about yes Yes, yes, yeah, you get the guilt and the anxiety is high But I feel like the first two weeks of his life I was so fucking afraid of just like anything just anything like I was gonna drop him He was gonna choke on something like it's terrifying and they do a horrible job in the hospital, bro Oh my god everything is like just you know There's one a thousand chance or maybe it'll explode and like that shit sucks right after those like two three weeks You get a much more confident in your ability to not kill them sure. I have one last revelation dude Like I'm sorry the technology is good. It's so good the technology available We have a crib that rocks him to sleep when he wakes up if fucking plays Like white noise and sues him back to sleep.
I wish I had that for me. It's incredible Yeah, see that is that is tight and like my enough you won't have to raise that thing at all That's what I'm saying dude. My mom is like my mom is a big eye roller for that stuff. She's like oh my god They're mad dude.
They're fucking jealous. So all jealous It's so it's so gels and jealous, but they didn't have any robots to raise their kids now They're kids with the robots can raise yours. We have this fucking app shout out for you new parents out there Shout to the huckleberry app dude It's for log and stuff, but they have this feature where once you start logging their sleep It gives you it predicts their daily nap dude It is like it's honestly fucking spooky it will predict and his naps are not at a regular time Like it's not like every day at 10 a.m. Or whatever it will predict his nap to nearly the minute it is unreal How good it works?
It's just like it says he needs to go down at 8 20 at 8 15 He starts to fuss I put him in this little nap time outfit. You got to have a nap outfit obviously and put him in his crib I'm looking at the monitor. He's kind of kicking his eyes around. He's moving a little bit I see him finally kind of shut down I look at the clock the naps at 8 20 the clock as he falls asleep turns from 8 20 to 8 21 I mean just like unbelievably scary pretty good.
I do what's your command center like you got screens You got audio. What kind of tech you kind of back gave you got cooking up there for there Eat people are really afraid of raising iPad kids I'm an iPad adult at this point because that's where his that's the baby monitors an app So I'm looking at my phone like my iPad so the iPad it tells me dude. It's so tight There's such a there's when I say that it's got obviously the screen right there is a temperature on there It's taking the temp in the room little too warm turn the fan on little too chilly turn the heat up no problem right easy Easy easy. Mm-hmm.
They're so fucking jealous. So it's unreal dudes. Oh I We're doing we're taking temps. Okay, it's got a fucking breath This isn't beta.
Okay, but it's got a breathing monitor It'll tell you how me breath some minute my voice taking if you want to know which is a very scary I don't know if you've heard about this is a very scary thing for parents is you get freaked out looking at the monitor cuz sometimes babies are very shallow Breathers and you're just like oh god. Did he get? No, he's live. We got that going helpful White noise it plays it's also a blue to speaker obviously so if you want to play your own little tunes on there Machine you ever get some machine our covers.
Yeah blink. Yeah, so so tight Then we got this other app and I've done my I've done my little what do they call it? Do the action button the new button on iPhones you know talking about power button? No, no No, what kind of iPhone you got?
I just got the dirty one cool dude I got two volumes on the side and one on the other side. Okay. No, you have a dog shape one So I have the new I have the new new so we have we got two volumes here We got our our lock one here. This is the action button They call it and you can't go program it to whatever So it's this is taking the place of the silent switch You know how the there's just the button or the switch or short short short short I've programmed it to is the fucking baby app So he finished the bottle boom hit the button logged it he goes down for an app boom I'm fucking being a guy's logging it all.
Yeah. Yes. I tell you that fucking maroon bad Todd Go hey, did you guys use this app dude? This fucking rocks and he's like we don't need an app bro check this out So yeah, dude hard copies my man has spreadsheets that he's printed out It's right in the pen so let me he's also going to fucking bowling and marking his own scores by hand or what?
Is one of these the machine is going out also look like they came out of the fucking trenches bro. Just covered they're all wrinkled up blood Yeah, like the letter in fucking saving private Ryan. Yeah Idiot made it Yeah, dude. So I guess that's two thumbs up the technology on on daddy.
Yes, I agree on daddy It's it's good. There's not a lot of bad stuff the bad stuff. I thought it entirely externally from all the critters There's so many critters. That's the big thing the lesson for the not I think though This is the lesson not for for the daddies but for the not daddies and the lesson is keep it to yourself And that's always the lesson in my in my streets truly especially in both of our streets this day.
It's keeping your fucking self Yeah, like that is just like a good rule of thumb for everything always forever and ever and ever Just don't yeah never speak people to be neither seen nor heard the thing is is if we wanted to know we would ask you know Huh like that's it. That's the end of it. There's a long shore who they geeves right? No, they're not I don't think they are So that's good this this rubric itself is pretty scarce, but I think we covered are we covered?
That's fine. No one looks at him or no they exist. That's a fact that's a fact I'm gonna be released on the internet in any fashion. That's right.
Maybe Yeah, so we're gonna be a little slow because of Because of all the grass a little accident that he made but whoopsie We got a little we got a little meantime snack that we're working on that will we'll ship out to you as soon as we can yeah And we're not gonna here's the thing we're not gonna tell you anything about it However, we have committed to this little side project this little interlude as it were we've come in this feed or another one Yes, it'll be somewhere and we've committed to finishing it before releasing it Yeah, you're not gonna get the standard never hear about it again standard job Yes, exactly right. You'll never hear about it again or in like eight months. It'll be like this is what they were talking about This took them eight months. No, this is good.
We're gonna get to work I got nothing to do except for play mark cart. Yeah, let me just get my eye a little aside here Wilder got his fucking switch to before me got it today. He gets it this morning Let's get a load of this guy he gets it this morning We haven't been able to record in months because of me finally it's summer I got we got a date picked out we got a week ahead of time this guy gets a switch 20 minutes later You're not gonna believe he goes. So are we still recording today?
He so desperately wanted to go what you know actually can't do it see here's what's good It we didn't talk about bonus points for daddy's friends. They also sometimes you just toss them a lifeline Sometimes they need it sometimes you need that sometimes you need me to be the one to cancel So I was the most trying to go with the fucking transparent. I want to play Mario Kart fucking He did just let me know just a hundred. I know it's been 17 hours since we last checked in about this I feel like there's no way that you said that text if your switch had not arrived You just be like all right cool.
I'm getting ready I'd like you know it was it was it was ha it was ha fc cuz look Things change things change on baby time, but I was also like it would have been a no shot I mean, I wouldn't have bothered baby didn't exist on Sunday. I'm sitting around a text message rolls in addressed to me Oh wait, you gotta close them out first. Oh, thanks about music. Thanks down for your art.
Thank you to My baby's all my babies all my babies out there shut up to you. Yeah, thanks to my mom who doesn't listen right mom Do all okay a text rolls in Sunday Address to me and an assortment of people Kate made the cut this time My dad asks today's quiz takes us to the sometimes murky and Impressionistic world of coin appraisals which of the following terms are used in regards to coin appraising a grading B certifying C Slapping D Holdering E rating sort of an easy one F encapsulating G all of the above or H A B and C only a being a grading grading certifying and slapping King H dude the answer was all of them. Yeah Grading certifying slapping holding rating encapsulating are all coin appraising terms and that's a little slice of daddy