Welcome to the Life's A Pitch Podcast, the show where we pitch the best movies that will never get made. I'm Tom McGrath. And I'm Matt Turner. This is the podcast where we ask you to listen and give us a title of a movie that doesn't exist.
Yet. We then collaborate to create a pitch for that movie, complete with casting, story beats, and sometimes even marketing. Without further ado, this week's Mainfage is... rom coms.
Alright, it's just me this week. It's just me. There's no map maps on the holidays. They're doing a climbing holiday somewhere in Europe.
Of undisclosed location. And it's just me on my own ironically pitching rom coms by myself. And yeah, so I'm just going to go through some film titles that you've given us and just... It's going to be quite an experimental episode because it's just me rambling on to myself about film ideas that I'm coming up with on the spot based on your title suggestions.
Like we do every week, but just Matt's not here. So it could be the shortest episode ever. Excuse me more? Excuse me more?
Hi, how did you get going in here? Also, my apologies. They're always open. I just came in.
I think I have the right place. I'm looking for Mr. Thomas McRough. The graph.
Like the crime dog. Yes. This is you. Yeah, that's me.
Fantastic. They call me the crime dog. Fantastic. Very pleased to make your acquaintance.
My name is Matthew O'Toni. How are you doing today? I'm okay. Matthew O'Toni.
Oh, Toni. Wait, wait, wait. Like you turn things in France. I'm a turnier in English.
Matthew Turner. I suppose. But perhaps you can tell from my accent. I'm French.
I'm from France. Just. Yeah, yeah. What do you mean?
Yeah, yeah. I can tell you. Are you trying to imply that my accent is not convincing? No, no, no.
I think we've all seen Ratatouille. I am born... There's plenty of French people in that. I have not seen this as a film.
Yes, yeah. I have not seen Ratatouille. I didn't have to do it. But have you?
Oh, good. Well, that's what we're doing with what I'm doing. I'm pitching film ideas like Ratatouille. Ah, yes.
You are the Life is a Pitch. Yes. You're the part of it. This is why I am here.
Ah, you're the one listening from France. Well, no, I have not heard your show before last week. But, well, allow me to explain my name as I say. Matthew Turner.
And I come from Fontainebleau. In France. It is now in the Paris. There is a forest nearby.
It is very popular tourist. It's an issue. But in order to encourage tourism, I suppose, we have put in place an exchange program. So, for example, if you chose to go to Fontainebleau, perhaps to enjoy the forest, or as you do the bouldering, perhaps, then an individual from Fontainebleau will come to your home and will do your normal duties.
Okay. So, this is why I am here. There's another. I have a name.
Matthew Turner. Perhaps. Matthew Turner, yeah. So, they are in France?
I believe so, yeah. It's an undisclosed location. But, yeah, it's probably France. It's not very undisclosed anymore.
Okay. So, for the week, I am here. I am being Matthew Turner. Oh, great.
So, I am here to help you and do your show. And I will pitch the movies. And I will help you with whatever you need. Okay, cool.
I will do. You will not notice a difference. Oh, fantastic. Totally.
Okay. Okay. Well, do you want to go get a coffee and we'll get started? Okay, yes.
I'm happy to get a coffee. Is this way? Yes, that way. Sorry.
I'm with... Alright. So, now that French presence got on with my own episode of the Life's of Pitch podcast. So, from Benj with an exclamation mark.
We've got Cheating Around the Bush. So, is the coffee? Oh, you're back. Sorry, right?
This is so weird. It was a great start. It was a really good start. I let me one pitch.
You've seen the graph. Give me a chance. Okay. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please.
Cool. I'll get another one from the thing then. This will be the least. Yes.
Alright. So, from Matthew Presley, we've got the last roll-o. The last roll-o? Yes.
Okay. What is this roll-o? Roll-o is like a... Do you have these in France?
The chocolate things? The chocolate caramel, little button things? No. Is it like a Ferrero Raché?
We have Ferrero Raché? You have what? Ferrero Raché? Sorry, I'm quite catch that.
Ferrero Raché? I cannot say it any clearer. Ah! Ferrero Raché.
I believe we call it England. Okay. Is it a roll-o like this? No.
No, it's not like that at all. It's like a little drum of chocolate filled with the caramel. And you get in like in a big, long cylinder. I see.
And I think it's like... I'm not sure if it's like a marketing thing or like a cultural thing, but saving your last roll-o is like meant to be... for someone else, is meant to be like a big gesture of kindness. Ah, yes.
I see. We have this actually in France. I think we have something very similar. We have...
perhaps you know this stereotype about we wears onions around the neck. Oh, yes. So, we have that. It is true.
Everyone does this, but not once we're looking, we keep it secret as much as we can. But savings are last on your for someone. Okay. Is that a sign of true love of true affection?
Wait, so you're saving the last onion for someone? Like, by that, do you mean like, you know how you wear them around your neck at all times? Like, surely they run out then in that case. Well, you must restock at some point, but the same is true as the roll-o.
Well, yeah, but with what you're saying, it implies that there's some kind of... it's linked to your lifespan. No, no, no. This is not a one string of onions for...
Okay. You're born with a string of onions in France around your neck. How do you think that would work? No, no, no.
Personally, I guess one string of onions in perhaps a month. Okay. Right. Because whenever you need an onion, you just...
Why don't you punish that? Because if people... I think we should pitch the movie. No, I just want to pack this.
But you must remember that I'm just your friend. I am not a different person. Okay. But hang on.
So what you're saying is... Wait. I just want to go back to this onion thing. So you go around with a row of onions on your neck.
And that's the stereotype. Go. It's just loads of onions. Perhaps a 7.08.
Is it like a kind of onion thing of feces where you swap the onions? Like, once one onion goes, you replace it with another one. I understand. Yes.
You can do it this way. I prefer not to. Because I think there is something romantic about the final onion. Do you have a sweetheart in your life?
Especially a person? Yes, yes. Okay. So perhaps this person is in great need.
Or perhaps they are making some sort of casserole. She doesn't really like onions so much. I don't understand. She doesn't like to eat onions.
Okay. But... Raw onions, I guess. But onions, I guess.
Well, yes. We mostly cook them. Although in an emergency, it can be very useful. Very pragmatic.
People who don't think of the French as pragmatists, but we are. So if you think of somebody special in your life and perhaps they need an onion in a dire emergency, it happens more often than you think. Then you give them the last onion. Then you are telling them, you are more important to me than my cultural identity.
You are telling that person that they mean so much to you that you will go around not wearing a single onion or your neck, which is the greatest insult that a Frenchman can do. The greatest insult that a Frenchman can do. You are extremely low status in this situation. Okay.
Oh, right. Okay. So people are laughing at you. I remember once I left the house without my onions and I lost my job that day.
Oh, wow. Yes. It was very... Was it related to you not wearing the onions?
Well, I had not... If you look at the court case, I had not directly. Personally, I believe it was a sort of discrimination because people did not think I was capable. They did not think I was able to handle myself correctly.
You understand? You'll see. Because I did not comport myself like a proper French one. Okay.
Are we doing this at all? Sorry. Yes. I was just very distracted by the onion law of France.
It's a very rich country with art history. Yeah. And a rich cuisine. Well, of course, predominantly onion.
That has never heard of rollos, apparently. Is this fine cuisine in England? Not really. No.
I mean, it's just a chocolate bite. But it is the same thing. It is important to you if you keep the roll of finale. To some people, I guess.
I've never kept the last roll-o for anyone. Really? Well, I am no expert in improv, but perhaps we should accept the premise and move on. Yes.
Yeah. I think we should. I think we should. Okay.
Let's go. So yeah, the last roll-o is a thing. So how are we working this into a film? Well, I think it is a romantic comedy.
Yeah. Okay. So perhaps we need somebody who works in a sweet job. Okay.
A confectioner. All right. And this gentleman, he has worked all his life. It is his true love.
He is dedicated, passionate about his craft, about his not a chocolate beer, but he sells these things. He sells chocolate, but he's another chocolate tea. Well, he does not mix the chocolate tea. Okay.
He just buys the chocolate in and sells it on. Oh, yeah. He's passionate about what he's selling. But one day, a woman comes in and she is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen.
Okay. Perhaps she is played by Laurie Calami. Who's that? You don't know Laurie Calami?
No, no. You do. You do. You pitch actors on this show?
Yes. Yeah. I do have an episode on the channel. Not French actors.
I assume. Where is she? Is she from? She's not the lady from Portrait of the Lady on Fire.
No, no, no. She is from a corner agent. Have you seen this on Netflix or from full-time? Have you seen this on Netflix?
Oh, I think I've seen the film nail for it. It's a very beautiful lady. So she comes in and she is so beautiful that your role is so taken with her. But who's the main guy?
Jean-Durran, maybe? Oh, of course. Yeah. From La Tiste.
Yes. You know this. Yes. Turn me in.
Turn me in. The artist. Oh, wait. I've not thought about it for over 10 years, but yeah, I know the film The Artist.
We went to every day in France. Is that a thing? Yes. Is that a thing?
The film The Artist. Before we go to the best. The film that symbolizes Oscar Buzz. In every sense of the word.
It's a very short shot to the other. It does not have a legacy overseas because it is a classic of the genre. Yeah. The genre of post-mortem silent film is very popular.
Was that a French movie? Sure. But I had a French guy in it. Yeah.
Okay. So perhaps he's a little older, but this is okay in the romantic comedy. Did the artist win? We asked her for her first picture?
Yes, it is the best picture. Was it though? Was it? Yes.
That's crazy. I'm not even doing a bit. This is true. People love the artist.
Yeah. So, at the time. What a time. What a time.
It's true. Golden Asia cinema. Yeah. So, yeah.
These two, there's not a chocolate there. There's a chocolate cellar. And this lady. But what is her problem?
What does she need? She needs a roller in the film. She needs a little drum of caramel and chocolate. Because she's beautiful, but she's dying.
She's very sick. Oh right. She's physically sick. She has a rare illness.
Caramel is only cured. Or the only thing keeping it at bay. She does not need a roller every day. She will die.
Right. Okay. Right. This is too high-stakes.
The stakes are just shot astronomically from this woman, like, very whimsically walking into a chocolate shop. I mean, if I was on Death Store. This is how we do it in French cinema. We don't fuck around.
If I was on Death Store, I would not be sort of wandering. Maybe I would. Maybe I would be wandering into a chocolate shop asking for rollos. Perhaps you would.
If it was the only thing you needed in that moment, and you were otherwise perfectly healthy and able to have all of the sex that is necessary for the film to continue. All of the sex that is necessary is romantic comedy. Yeah. Okay.
That happens. Definitely. Yeah. So he gives her a roller and he does not charge her.
This is the last one. Yeah. This is the last one. Yeah.
This is the last one. Yeah. This is the last one. Yeah.
But she comes in the next day and there is no roller. So what is she to do? Oh yeah. Cause it's the last one.
Yes. We have eaten the last roller in the first 15 minutes of the film. That's a good point. Maybe they're going to business together and start making rollos.
Yes. They see. Yes. This is a good opportunity to introduce a business partner, a business manager perhaps.
Yes. Oh, like a love triangle. Oh, yes. And he could be played by Denny Lefon.
Denny Lefon? From Amelie. No. I do not know what you.
I'm naming so many French films here. I do not know what you would know him from. I know him from a film a few years ago called the Nipple Whisperer. Isn't that a film?
This is the film. Okay. It is very funny. It is very, yeah.
It has a supernatural, I will not spoil it for you. You must watch it. So, but he is a very serious man. A very intense man where Jean-Doujardins is playing a very carefree individual.
Yes. And so this lady must choose between between these two. So, two men and both of them at the end of the film have a rollo left over. And she must choose their last rollo.
She must choose who? Because at that point, the rollo is still, it is not enough. You know, perhaps by this point, the business is in tatters. We have seen over the course of the film, the horizon is the fall of the business.
And now this is all that is left. Perhaps the rollo company is entirely out of business. It is gone. Okay.
So Nestle have gone out of business. Yes. I believe it's the... Yeah.
Okay. Nestle is the company that do rollos. I have some concerns regarding the product placement testables. No, we're getting Nestle all over this.
Okay. Yeah. Yeah. We absolutely something we want this.
We are seeing at the beginning of the film before any characters are introduced, I think we should see the entire product assembly line of rollos. So, where they get the chocolate from? Where they get all the ingredients from? Yeah.
Wait, 30 minutes. Yeah. Yeah. And they're like, oh my God, why are all these kids being oppressed?
What's going on? And then suddenly we cut to the factory and then just like rollos being made. Oh, we're making rollos amazing. I know it is all worth it.
All the problematic things that come with it. This is why perhaps we can have a subplot involving a child who is unfortunate enough to be affected by this. Yeah. You know this Timitichalamé.
He comes as one of ours. I have a... I do not think he looks anything like a shoe. No, no.
Okay. Right. Nothing like a shoe. So you're definitely the opposite of Matt then who thinks he looks like a winkle picker.
I do not. Oh, you mean the Matt? Oh, I am replacing. In that case, yes.
I will say winkle picker. We can give him a subplot. He is very hot right now. Yes.
He is very hot. He's in this movie somewhere. Maybe filling in for the characters later on down the line or something. Who knows?
But yeah, I think at the end of the movie, they're offering her rollos to her and she pulls out another rollo. She had a rollo of her own. Yes. All along.
And then the man grabs it. She's like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Only a true person who would love me would not want me to waste my last rollo and die. Are you trying to do my accent right now?
Yes, I just realized this is very disrespectful. I believe it's called echolalia where you hear like a voice or an accent and it's, you know, it wears off on you. Okay, well perhaps I can suggest that you do not. I'm trying to.
It will be a clearing problem throughout the episode. So I think that's it. Right. This is all we do.
Yes. That's all that happens. Yeah. Okay.
Well, I think it will very much be your time. Yeah. All right. Nice to meet you.
You need nothing else for me. We don't do any more of the pitching. Oh, it is a short podcast. Yeah.
I like it. Yeah. Okay. Well, very nice to meet you, Magrath.
And if this Mac turn to go to go to go again, then I will be more than happy to have Lynn. Okay. Merci or a while. I just jumped off a cliff.
That was unexpected. Like, yeah, just look down and yeah, just like a wily coyote little puff of smoke at the bottom there. That was crazy. I'm okay.
Oh, good. Well, I hope they make it back to France. Don't you listeners? Don't you?
I was. Yeah. I don't think we can do it for like so. I'm so sorry.
I thought that was great. Yeah. That was the least weird character I had. I was.
I was. Wait, what other characters did you have? I don't know if I want to tell you. Oh, I don't want to open the box.
I want to see what I could have won. I don't think there is funny if I just tell you them though. That's the point. Well, why don't you go get them?
Go get them. You'll have a chat. We'll have a chat with them. You want to just you want me to just introduce them?
I just want to. This is this is all I've wanted from the podcast since we start. I just want to I just want to get to know some characters. Okay.
I'll go see who I can find. Okay. I'll have one card. Cool.
Cool. Hello. And welcome to pitchbot 2000. I thought I thought for a second there that you were the school teacher.
Please enter your name. Thomas McGrath. I heard. Steffi Graff.
Is that correct? No, no. Very nice to meet you. Steffi Graff.
No, I am here to help you pitch. Wait, my name is Tom McGrath. Where shall we begin? I see your selected genre is.
Wrong. Okay. Cool. Good.
Good. Well, that's right. Can you go back to the name changing thing again? Where shall we begin?
Feed me a title. Steffi Graff. And I will be more than happy to help you pitch. I've got a few here.
This film given by Bench, exclamation mark, is talking on eggshells. Talking on eggshells. Loading. Loading.
Look. Wait, you want to leave the eye things? Correct. I'm a generative artificial intelligence.
Great. Great. Designed specifically to help you pitch movies that will never get made. Oh, that's perfect.
I wish we'd introduced you earlier. So talking on eggshells, give me the film. What's the film about? Fade in on a dark city street, the middle of the night.
A lonely man walks down the center of the empty road. Street lights light the way for him until at the other end he sees a silhouette. A woman facing him. She has red hair.
Go on. Is that it? Is that a movie? Correct.
Oh shit. Yes, I forgot. This is what he does. It just gives you just random clips that don't make any.
Would you like me to provide any further assistance? Yeah, who's in it? Who's in organic shells? Activating casting protocol.
Too young. Too fat. Not talented. talented.
But has one and Oscar. Who's not talented? Who's not talented? Our protagonist will be played by Matthew Broderick.
Right. Has Matthew Broderick won an Oscar? His primary love interest will be played by Nathan Lane. Oh, OK.
In a wig. Nathan Lane in a wig. Cool. All right.
So how does it go? Like is Nathan Lane the woman from the beginning of the movie? Fade in on a street in the middle of the night. A man Matthew Broderick walks down the otherwise empty road.
At the other end, there is a woman. Nathan Lane in a wig. She looks at him and she smiles. That's what Nathan Lane talks like.
Oh boy. Oh no. I see you're trying to give input on my pitch. Yes.
Would you like me to shut down? Yes, please. Yes. This is why this is why AI is there.
Like it's no, no. I don't want to know how many things you copied to get to this point. Chat bot AI thing. It's not 2000.
That's that was your name. Yes, I wrote it down. Yeah. I'm going to.
I don't think I'm even going to like sort of soft shut you down. I think I'm just going to pull the plug very well. I boom. What other kooky characters are you going to be in this deleted scenes?
Look, none of this is going to be in this show. It's going to be in the deleted scenes. I want to know who we could have met. Hey, everything OK in here?
Hey, you over there with the headphones on? Yes. And the microphone. Tom, Tom, nice to meet you.
Tom, nice. OK, are you OK? Are you safe? Is everything all right in here?
I'm OK. I'm in. Is it OK? I'm in.
I'm going on. I'll just I'll just put these on. Oh, this is nice. This is comfy.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Let me just close the door. OK.
So listen, here's the situation. There's a man out there and well, there's no easy ways that it's a say this, but he's dead. OK. You understand who I don't know his name.
I don't know who he is, but there's a guy out there. He's wearing a string of onions. He's got a striped shirt on. I don't know.
He's lying there. Yes. Blood coming out of his neck. It's not it's not good.
OK. So I didn't even tell me one thing. OK. Just look me in the eye and just tell me the troops.
Did you kill this man? No, no. He just jumped off the cliff. OK.
OK. Thank God. I was a little worried there. I'm going to be honest with you.
I've seen a lot of killers in my time and well, I'm not saying you've fed the profile or nothing, but don't worry. I can always tell when someone's lying to me. OK. I know that you're telling me the truth.
Did you say your name? Sorry. I didn't quite catch it. I didn't.
But I can tell you now it's good with it. My name is Tiffany. Tiffany. Tennyson.
Nice to me. I can do whatever it is that you're doing here. I don't mind. But well, they don't look safe out there and there are a lot of people looking for me.
OK. Sorry. Yeah. Yeah.
I was just recording a podcast. OK. Nice. Nice.
What's your podcast about? Well, we it's usually name a friend Matt. OK. Pitch film ideas based on times people give us the movies.
OK. I see. I get you. OK.
Well, you know, I movies. Oh, sure. Like a movie. What's your favorite movie?
Well, you know, these days I used to like a lot of crime movies. These days it's a little too real for me. You know what I'm saying? Yes.
It's a little too close to me. If you like. But you know, I really like those Marvel movies. The Marvel movies.
Oh, they're so popular. I'm sorry. I'm going to ring the Marvel Bell here. Somehow we're ringing the Marvel Bell.
You can get a special bell for that, huh? What's your yes? No. Because every time we talk about it, it's just that's what podcasts talk about.
OK. What's you've never done a podcast before? This is very exciting. You know, every week I go to menu and I find I do a new thing.
And usually I'm not very good at it, but it's OK because somebody dies. Well, you do basically sit in front of them. I can talk about random crap. That's all podcasting is.
I can talk. You know, I'm happy to talk. Good. Good.