Drive-By Teases – Heartiste

Examples: Flush the toilet when she’s in the shower. Snap wet towel at her butt. Should just barely cross line of genuine pain. “Happy Valentine’s Day!” Give her a wrapped box of condoms. Put a “pinch my butt” post-it note on her back as she’s heading out for work. Slip her car into neutral when she’s driving. Note: not recommended on women with exceptionally bad driving skills. Turn the light off or unplug her dryer when she’s doing her hair. Pretend to throw her cat out the window. A full throwing motion accompanied by frantic mewing will boost dramatic effect. Never miss a chance to turn a serious question into a glib answer. Pretend to accidentally cut off your finger in the kitchen. Use gobs of ketchup. Replace her cosmetics with crayons. Put her panties on her cat. Don’t put them on the dog if the dog is yours. There are some lines not meant to be crossed. Draw smiley faces or penises on her tampons. Paint a picture of her. With great fanfare, unveil a stick figure drawing. Pull weeds from the yard. Put them in a vase with a sincere love note attached. Act offended if she doesn’t swoon for your weeds. Keep up the pretense for weeks. Place a giant stuffed animal or clown doll in bed, facing her. When she wakes up, she’ll freak. Walk around casually at home with your dick hanging out of your jeans crotch. Call her a perv for noticing. Turn her shirts inside out. Put a Baby Ruth in her shoe. “Omg, I think the cat pooped in your shoe.” Dutch oven. Shower oven. Car oven. Honk her tits. Make loud honking noise. Bonus points if you use an air horn.