ep 12: "i didn't want to die, i just didn't want to live."

content warning: this episode includes sensitive themes, including suicide, sexual abuse and mental health. please take care while listening and pause any time you need. ~Meredith Collins spent 25 years in Corporate Australia building leaders, culture and capability, while privately navigating motherhood, divorce, redundancy and a persistent sense of not quite belonging. A driven seeker, she chased answers through achievement, sobriety, therapy and personal development, convinced something was “wrong” with her. Often labelled quirky, her dog-with-a-bone energy was fuelled by a deep desire to feel worthy, lovable and safe.Only later did Meredith recognise complex PTSD and begin questioning long-held ideas about resilience and identity. The great irony? The peace she spent a lifetime pursuing was never external, and it was always an inside job.Today, her work sits at the intersection of leadership, healing and consciousness. It’s less about optimisation and more about liberation. She knows there’s no quick fix or final destination. This is a lifelong practice of courage, humility and layered unlearning.The work continues, although much more peacefully and she’s still peeling.connect with Meredithlinkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/meredithcollins/ ~in this episode, Meredith and i go deep on the hidden grind behind “not good enough” and why so many high-achievers look fine on the outside while quietly falling apart on the inside. we unpack the sneaky ways you keep running with “reasonable reasons”, how masking drains you more than the work and why insight alone doesn’t always break the pattern. Meredith shares what happened when the lid finally blew off after her mum passed, how alcohol and over-functioning became edge relief and the moment she realised the war was over but her body never got the memo. we talk trauma, nervous system dysregulation, shame, belonging, leadership, recovery and the line that changed everything. and yes, we go there on plant medicine, self-forgiveness and re-parenting the part of you that’s been driving the bus for decades. no kumbaya - just truth, tenderness and a real path back to yourself. deep bow to Meredith for her courage and vulnerability. enjoy 💙what we explored this episode00:00 welcome Meredith!01:50 the “not good enough” grind and why striving never feels like enough04:40 contracts, exits and fear of being found out07:40 when the lid blows off after loss, resentment, coping, unraveling11:50 “i didn’t want to die, i didn’t want to live”14:05 the tipping point, why nobody flagged alcohol, and what was really going on16:10 the “god job” moment that got her into a 12 day recovery program18:05 the lifelong feeling of “something’s wrong with me”21:10 20 years of seeking and the root event finally surfacing24:00 “that explains everything”27:00 why cognitive insight didn’t free her and how the old story kept driving32:10 david on dysregulation, sleep issues, social anxiety and the mask fatigue34:10 “the war’s over but they forgot to tell my body”35:55 why group work dissolves shame37:40 plant medicine, why she felt ready, and what made her say yes40:30 what ayahuasca revealed and the self-forgiveness moment45:10 re-parenting the three year old, “i’ve got it handled now”48:25 what changed in real life afterwards52:20 leadership on the other side56:05 practical guidance for you59:55 what liberation means to Meredith01:01:00 where to find Meredith and a final nudgeconnect with me👉secure your free breakthrough calla free, focused 1:1 call to help you clarify your direction, identify the unconscious patterns holding you back and walk away with grounded next steps to move into 2026 with more confidence, calm and intention.👉need more support?if you’re interested in coaching programs and more support.👉linkedin👉facebook👉instagram👉tiktok👉youtube👉websitelots of love,david 💙~mental health support resources