Ep 14 - The Suicide Shroud: Dr. Alexis Tomarken on Silence, Blame, and Survival

In our society, we’re not good at openly talking about death. We’re even worse at speaking openly about death by suicide. The silence that so often accompanies suicide–what our guest calls “the shroud of suicide”–creates additional burdens for surviving family members, especially women who survive their spouses. The expectation to shield others from the full weight of the death, to even erase the facts of the experience, is an enormous pressure that has long-term consequences across generations.Today, we’re in conversation with our former classmate, Dr. Alexis Tomarken, talk about two of her papers that discuss intergenerational trauma and the heavy burden of our collective discomfort with suicide. Alexis movingly weaves together psychoanalytic theory, her work as a therapist, and personal experience to show that putting words to life’s most difficult experiences is not only vital to personal integration, but impacts future generations as well.Listen to the full episode to hear:How our society treats suicide as crime, blames surviving women, and actually increases riskWhy open discussion and processing is more effective at the prevention of “suicide contagion” than hiding from itWhy the goal, especially for a surviving parent, is to keep the door open to communication with children, not to seek resolutionHow therapists’ and clients’ lived experiences inevitably interact, even without therapist disclosureHow the blame and shame placed on women survivors is emblematic of gendered expectations of healing and caretakingLearn more about Dr. Alexis Tomarken:WebsiteConnect on LinkedInLearn more about I Hate You. What’s For Dinner?Learn more about Gillian Boudreau, PhD.:WebsiteInstagram @clearconnectionpsychologyLearn more about Rob Galligan, PhD.:Instagram @dr.robert.galliganResources:Can You Hear Me? Errands and Repair in the Analytic IdentityThe Shroud of Suicide:  Misogyny, Abjection, and Transgenerational TraumaA Last-Minute Breakthrough, Muriel Dimen | The New York TimesThe Argonauts, Maggie NelsonDr. Dan SiegelJane Tillman, PhD, ABPPHow It Feels When a Parent Dies, Jill KrementzThomas Ogden