Ep 160: “I Thought I Broke My Child”: The Truth About Anxiety, Trauma, and the Resilience Myth.

In 1989, Stacy Schaffer was 11 years old. She was an A-student, a perfectionist, and on the surface, she looked “fine.”But at home, she was hiding in a closet. She was surviving the silence of sexual abuse she had tried to report but wasn’t believed. Her mother, battling her own demons and illness, didn’t know how to handle a child who was internally collapsing.So, she paid four men $100 to come into Stacy’s room in the middle of the night, pull her out of bed, and take her away to a wilderness facility.It was what was known in the industry as a “Goon Grab.”Stacy wasn’t “healed” by this. She was trafficked into a system that stripped her of her voice. And yet, decades later, Stacy is now a renowned children’s therapist helping a new generation of kids who feel unseen, unheard, and unsafe.In this week’s episode of Flip Your Mindset, I sat down with Stacy to talk about the “anxiety epidemic,” but we ended up talking about something much deeper: The cost of silence.Here are the three hardest truths we uncovered in our conversation.1. The “Resilience” LieWe love to say, “Kids are resilient.” It makes us feel better as adults. It absolves us of the guilt that our chaos, or the world’s chaos, is hurting them.Stacy stopped me dead in my tracks with this:“We say kids are resilient... but the kids aren’t fine. What choice do they have? They have to survive. But they aren’t fine.”We are raising a generation whose nervous systems are constantly hijacked. Stacy works in the school district of Evergreen High (site of a recent shooting threat). She told me heartbreaking stories of students who won’t use the bathroom at school because they are terrified a lockdown will start while they are in the stall, leaving them trapped in the hallway.They aren’t just “worried.” They are living in a biological state of threat. When we tell them “It’s going to be okay,” we are gaslighting their reality.2. You Cannot Parent a Modern Child with 1990s LogicA common refrain parents use is, “I was a kid once, too. I get it.”Stacy’s advice? Stop saying that.You were a kid in a world without social media algorithms, active shooter drills, and Life360 tracking your every move. When you tell a child “I understand,” they shut down because they know you don’t.The gap between your childhood and theirs is a canyon. If you try to bridge it with your own nostalgia, you will miss the person standing right in front of you.3. Stop Silencing Your Inner ChildThis was the “lightbulb moment” of the episode. Stacy admitted that for years, she “shushed” the little girl inside her—the one who was hurt at 3, the one who was kidnapped at 11—so she could be the “shiny, professional” therapist.But you cannot help a child regulate their emotions if you are suppressing your own.If you find yourself having a level 10 reaction to a level 2 problem (screaming at your kid for spilled milk, raging at a disrespectful tone), that is not “adult you” reacting. That is your inner child, screaming to be heard because they weren’t heard 20 years ago.The One Question That Changes EverythingIf you feel like you are losing connection with your child (or even a partner), Stacy offered a script that is more powerful than any advice I’ve heard in years.Instead of trying to fix it, or saying “I know how you feel,” ask this:“Help me understand what it’s like to be you.”And then? Listen. Don’t correct them. Don’t offer a silver lining. Just let them be seen.Because as Stacy’s story proves, the most traumatic thing isn’t always the event itself—it’s having to go through it alone, unseen, and unheard.📖 Read Stacy’s Book: With Love from a Children’s Therapist is available now. It is part memoir, part guide, and fully heartbreaking and healing. Get it here.Take the Assessment: Are you wondering what hidden patterns are holding you back? Take the free HURT assessment at flipyourmindset.com/hurt.— Stacey Uhrig This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe