Ep 192: Stop People Pleasing & Set Boundaries: How to Become "Shouldless" with Pam Brown

Have you ever felt completely exhausted from trying to be the person everyone else expects you to be? Not because you are doing anything wrong, but because you carry around a lifetime of expectations, obligations, and invisible rules about who you think you are supposed to be.This week, I am joined by Pam Brown, a professional certified coach and the author of Build a Life That is Becoming Shouldless. We had an incredible conversation about breaking free from people-pleasing and learning to set boundaries without guilt.The Hidden Cost of “Should”In our conversation, we unpack how the word “should” functions as a direct form of self-judgment. When you say, “I should do this,” you are implicitly suggesting that your current state or desire is wrong. I often equate the word “should” with shame. It masks our primal fear of disconnection; we worry that if we break the unspoken rules, we will face rejection.“I believe that when people should on themselves, they are judging themselves, and we can judge ourselves, we can judge others, we can judge situations.” (Pam Brown)Saboteurs and Parts WorkWe spent time comparing two powerful psychological frameworks:* Positive Intelligence: Pam explains that we all have an internal judge supported by “saboteurs,” such as the pleaser, the controller, or the victim. The goal is to weaken these saboteurs and operate from the “sage,” a state of ease and flow.* Internal Family Systems (IFS): I shared how this mirrors parts work, where the inner critic aligns with the people-pleaser or perfectionist. In IFS, we aim for the core “Self” to lead, creating harmony rather than eliminating the parts.The “Shouldless” Audit ExerciseIf you are feeling overwhelmed (especially around the holidays or busy seasons), Pam recommends a simple auditing exercise. Make a list of all your obligations and sort them into three columns:* I want to do this.* I should do this.* I want to do this, but edited (reframed).By checking the facts and asking if people will truly be disappointed if you drop the “shoulds”, you will likely find that most of those expectations were self-imposed.The Necessity of DisappointmentOne of the most profound takeaways from this episode is the realization that avoiding disappointment stunts personal growth. Whether it is an adult friend or a child, protecting others from every ounce of discomfort prevents them from building resilience. Resilience is a superpower, and it is strictly built through facing adversity.Connect with Pam BrownIf you are ready to stop abandoning yourself to keep the peace, be sure to check out Pam’s resources:* Book: Build a Life That is Becoming Shouldless on Amazon* Website: becomingshouldless.com* Instagram: @becoming_shouldless* Email: [email protected] you so much for tuning in. If this episode brought you insight, please like, comment, and share it with a friend who might benefit. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit flipyourmindset.substack.com/subscribe