Ep. 395: [Soapbox] Why the “Devil’s Bargain” Fails: Shared Responsibility for Initiation

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman explains David Schnarch’s term “the devil’s bargain,” where the higher desire partner stops initiating sex and leaves initiation entirely to the lower desire partner. She describes three common origins: a well-intentioned attempt by the higher desire partner to reduce pressure and avoid painful rejection; a request by the lower desire partner to avoid saying no and to “miss it”; and a resentful test by the higher desire partner to see how long sex will go unmentioned. Zimmerman argues the desire discrepancy remains and the burden shifts to the lower desire partner, often increasing pressure through a sense of obligation and tracking time. She emphasizes that initiation should be a shared responsibility and reframes it as initiating opportunities to be sexual, especially for people with reactive desire who initiate from intention rather than arousal.00:00 Welcome to Better Sex00:48 Introducing the Devils Bargain01:28 Why Couples Make It03:11 When It Becomes a Test03:44 Why It Backfires04:32 Sharing Initiation Responsibility05:51 Closing and Next Steps This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe