Ep 6: Signs

In communities across Canada, hourly Amazon employees earn an average of over $26 an hour. Employees also have the opportunity to grow their skills and their paycheck by enrolling in free skills training programs for in-demand fields like software development and information technology. Learn more at aboutamazon.ca. My name's Renee, and I'm good at plenty of things. For instance, I'm good at coming up with three-letter Scrabble words like axe and ask and act.

An ass. But I'm terrible at movies. Like, really bad. That's why I asked my friends to challenge me to watch their favorite movies so I can build up my repertoire and stop looking like such an idiot. Sometimes I like the movie. Sometimes I don't. But either way, my friend and I are going to talk about it.

So this is the month of October. I was thinking it would be really fun for all of the episodes this month to be scary movies. And I actually had somebody in mind for my first October episode. He's made several appearances on Bad It Movies already as my co-host. He's the Morty to my Ava. His name is Pete Byrne. That's right, my boyfriend. Alongside being my boyfriend, he also is a member of Polar Pig and the Iowa Herald team Small Town Doctor. He is very, very funny, and I'm not the only one who says that.

So on today's episode, Pete decided that we are going to watch the movie Signs. So I've actually never seen Signs before, so I don't know that much about it. Honestly, I can just do like a blind judgment of what I think the movie was about. So this is what I wrote down before watching the movie. Here's the plot of what I think Signs is, just based on the title alone.

Signs is a romantic movie about a hearing-impaired teen, Ian, who's just starting college. He's been homeschooled his whole life, so that, on top of the scariness of being in a new environment, is almost too much for him to handle. But luckily, on his first day, he meets his interpreter, Allie, a beautiful young lady, fresh out of college looking for some extra dough and just some guidance in life. You know how it is after college, guys? Anyway, Allie's happy to see him, too, because she also feels like a little bit of an outsider. Allie's voice is so unpleasant that people tend to just not talk to her.

Ian doesn't know that, so, you know, they get along swimmingly. He just knows Allie as the really cute interpreter who slips in jokes about the teacher in between lectures. And so it isn't long before they become inseparable. And what was originally supposed to just be a sign language interpreter and student relationship turns into much more. Instead of signing lectures, Allie and Ian just profess their love to each other in class. It isn't long before Ian flunks out for not paying attention and Allie loses her job for just being generally shitty at it. But it's okay, because they live happily ever after. The end.

And now the movie signs in under 60 seconds! Oh, where are my kids? Crop circles? Call the police! Hey, I'm sorry I gotta be the bear in bad newsman, sir. I think you might want to come out to this tree on the side of the road. Somebody wants to talk to you. Oh my god, it's my wife and she was hit by a car. What do you have to say? Hey, it's your wife and I was hit by a car. Listen, swing away. The fuck does that mean? I don't want to be a priest anymore. Ring ring! It's the guy that killed your wife. I need help. Who's that on the phone? Oh, it's the guy that killed my wife. He needs help. I'm gonna go check it out. I used to play baseball. You wouldn't want to go in my house, father. I trapped one of the aliens in my pantry. Chop!

Dad, can you get me another glass of water? Another? There's already 60 around the house. Yeah, but they don't have ice in them, and they're dirty, and just don't touch them. Leave them on that shelf, please. Alien! Smash! Oh, they're allergic to water. How convenient. I believe in God again. Ta-da! Hi, Pete. Hi, dear. So, Pete, um... Who are these other people that think I'm funny?

Do I have to name all of them? Wow, a lot. That's good enough. So I know this isn't your favorite movie. There's no way that Signs is your favorite movie, but I'm just curious to know why this is the movie that you most wanted to talk about on the podcast. Everyone's got to stick up their ass about it. You put out your Excel spreadsheet to put down what movies we want to talk about, and I put Signs down, and everyone was like, Oh, Signs is your favorite movie. Signs sucks. And if anybody could properly remember what your initial question was.

It was write down what your favorite movie is or a movie that you have strong memories associated with. So I picked B because I thought that was interesting. And Science came out. I don't know what year it came out. I should have looked it up before we did this. But when I was like eight or seven. And there was one specific scene, which we'll talk about, that haunted me for months. And I had to sleep with the lights on. And my family hated me because I just couldn't sleep because the movie horrified me and disturbed me.

So that's why you want to talk about it. That's why I want to talk about it. Because if you had, like, you can ask me what my favorite movie is. I don't have one favorite movie. I can't think of it. But I always remember going to see that movie in the theater with my family and being petrified of it. Yeah, for sure. Do you remember whose idea it was to go see that movie? I doubt it was mine. Yeah. I seem a little young for that. I was hiding under the blankets when we rented Jurassic Park from Blockbuster. So I don't think I saw that preview. I was like, that looks like a fun time. I'm sure it's just like my brother and my dad was like, let's go see it. People will be fine. Yeah. And I wasn't. So great parenting or brother skills.

I also just think, you know, it's funny. A lot of people can make fun of it now, and I'm only seeing it now. So I think that a lot of the graphics and just the idea of there being aliens and crop circles is something that seems really outdated and silly to be scared of now. But, I mean, I'm sure it was valid at the time that some people were genuinely scared by this movie. I don't think that there was really a crop circle movie before this. I could be wrong.

Here's the thing with horror movies. I don't love horror movies, but you have to go see them in theaters. Because A, the group mentality of being in an audience that's scared at the same time of you is huge and makes a difference. Same with a comedy. And B, once you see a horror movie, most of the time, the first time, it's not scary anymore because you know it's going to happen. And if you're seeing a million movies like...

Exorcist. Exorcist is still scary. So maybe this is not a good example. But it's been made fun of so many times. And all the things that happen have been in like scary movie and this and that. It's the same thing with science. It's like it was either a scary movie three or four. They made fun of it. All this stuff that happens. So it's not scary anymore. Right.

A lot of horror movies for me are only good, not only good, but you've got to see it before everyone tells you what happens and makes fun of it. How many times has The Ring been made fun of? That's true. That's not scary anymore. Or like Blair Witch Project or anything like that. People that saw Blair Witch Project when it came out in theaters were shitting their fucking pants because nobody had done that before. And now it's like, oh, that's a stupid movie that started all this found footage stuff. It's bogus. But when it came out, it was awesome. Oh, yeah, for sure.

Signs is not a bad movie. It's not a great movie because there's all these ham-fisted, this is what the message of this movie is moments. I don't even know what the message is. What's the whole point that God exists? Is that why that movie was made? I honestly was going to ask you if M. Night Shyamalan is a religious man because the whole undertone of it was just a man who's lost his faith and then gains it back because of some kind of crazy...

coincidence that his wife foresaw the future enough to say just swing away which is like the whole you know solution at the end of the movie to killing the alien I think this is mainly what everyone's problem is with science is like everything about The horror and the acting in it, I think, is not bad. Pretty good. Joaquin Phoenix is great as the dumb brother, blah, blah, blah. But what's the point of the movie? I don't know. It's like, okay, there's a priest and his wife died, so he lost his faith. So the only way he could regain his faith in a being that created Earth in seven days is the sheer hard proof that we're not the only beings in the universe. That doesn't make sense. Oh, there are aliens. I believe in God again. Where's my Bible? I don't know. I guess it's...

That's what people don't like about it. Yeah, I can see. I mean, there were certain parts of it that reminded me more of an action movie than like a typical scary movie that you'd see. An action movie? Well, I'm just thinking about... In communities across Canada, hourly Amazon employees earn an average of over $26 an hour. Employees also have the opportunity to grow their skills and their paycheck by enrolling in free skills training programs for in-demand fields like software development and information technology. Learn more at aboutamazon.ca.

Not OK. Maybe action movie isn't the right word to say, but like any Spielberg movies that we've seen where it just has a lot more to do with the family than what it's. It's just this outside conflict that's bringing the family closer together is what it really boils down to is just when put in a difficult situation. How is this family who's kind of had like a terrible tragedy happen to them and they haven't fully recovered from it yet? How are they going to deal with it? And how is it going to bring them closer together? Which is kind of what the movie ends up being in my.

I mean, you know, it is not aliens in crop circles and all that shit, but that's not what I really cared about. I was like, oh, no, what's going to happen to this family and these, like, cute little kids who are also a little scary? I think science suffered also from a thing that I talk about all the time, is that the previews built it up to be something that it wasn't. It happens all the time to movies, especially to, like, The Village. People hate The Village. They hate that movie. Even Dave last night, we brought up science. He's like, The Village is the worst movie I've ever made.

hate that movie. And I, again, don't think it's that bad. It's not a great movie. Once again, guys, these aren't my favorite movies that I'm talking about, but they're not that bad. But the preview for, I should show you the preview for The Village. It looks fucking terrifying. It looks like the scariest movie. And then you go see it. There's not really any jump scares. There's not any gore. There's not anything that happens in a horror movie. So people hate it and don't watch what the movie actually is. I don't even want to watch previews for movies anymore because it'll ruin it if it doesn't.

It's like going to see a band in concert. If it doesn't sound like the album, people will hate it. Some people. Shitty people. That's what I'm talking about is shitty people. Shitty people. So if you don't like The Village, you're shitty. Because that's a C-plus movie, not an F. Okay? Why do you think people hate M. Night Shyamalan so much now?

Because he made a bunch of shitty movies. I guess so. And he's obsessed with putting himself in the movies. Well, that's what I didn't like. That was the big thing in Science. I was like, oh, you fucking egomaniac. He put himself in the movie in a really important role of basically just giving this long monologue that told Mel Gibson every big detail. Oh, I heard aliens are scared of water. Bye. It's just like, what are you doing, man?

Even just the credit opening, I think you said while we were watching it, he's trying to be Hitchcock right now. He just got, like, a big ego and tried to make his whole opening credits. Yeah, his opening title sequence is very reminiscent of, like, Vertigo or something. Yeah. Very minimalistic, just, like, overture of scary music to set it up. But, okay, he did The Sixth Sense, which you have not seen, right? Yes, I have. You have it? Okay. That's great. Yeah. Oh, yeah, it's a great movie. And he made Unbreakable, which is one of my favorite movies. That's one of my favorite movies. Which I hadn't even heard of until you told me about it. I don't know. I don't remember how I heard about it, but I never...

I saw, like, Signs, Village, and Sixth Sense, and then I found Unbreakable at Barnes & Noble for, like, 50% off. And it's awesome. So we did Sixth Sense, Unbreakable, Signs. People didn't love Signs, but it still got pretty good reviews. Love those three movies. I should have done my research because I don't know what came out. It must have been The Village. I think The Village was what came out right after Signs. Yeah, I don't know. I'm pretty sure because I was still haunted by Signs. And they're like, oh, you made another movie, and they wanted to go see it. And I was like, I don't think so. It didn't go well last time. Yeah, I think even though I knew, I mean, from seeing...

Spoilers on that. I mean, the movie Signs has been out for such a long time that I already knew basically everything that was going to happen. I still enjoyed it. There's no real spoilers for Signs, though. Other than the fact that, like, oh, his asthma saves him so he doesn't breathe in the poison. There's no twist or anything. And I didn't know that that was going to happen, like that whole asthma thing. But I knew, like, oh, the alien dies because of water. Well, you didn't know the ending for War of the Worlds. Oh, yeah, I didn't know that. You told me that. You guys know the ending for War of the Worlds? That all the aliens die because they get the common cold.

Pollution. It's not pollution. They might have done that. Oh, yeah. Was that what it was supposed to be in Tom Cruise? I thought they still just got the common cold. Or did global warming kill the aliens? That's a twist. What if aliens come and invade and global warming kills them so we saved ourselves by polluting the planet?

Don't wink at me. That's the message of that movie. Keep pumping out those gases. It's protecting us. There wasn't really a twist in this movie. What, Science? Yeah, they always say there's a twist in an M. Night Shyamalan movie. I guess the twist was the asthma. Maybe. But not really. Not really. They kind of put all those little seeds there before. Usually with a twist, it's like, oh, you don't see it coming. That was the ham-fisted part. They kept showing glasses of water 80 million times in a row. This must mean something. I don't know what it is. And then M. Night Shyamalan was like, I don't think they're like water.

Boy, I wonder if the 30 glasses of water in the house are going to help them later. Sometimes the reason I won't enjoy movies like that is I'll get angry that whoever wrote it thinks that we're all that stupid. You know, it's kind of like you really don't think that we would have figured it out by you leaving all these clues. I guess it's hard being a writer to know how much or how little you actually need to put in there for people to understand. But it's kind of, I don't know, for the typical viewing audience, I think they just assume we're all really stupid and need to have all those big clues. Which is true. Yeah.

for horror movie audiences a lot of people are pretty dumb they like horror movies most of the time shots fired I'm not saying that everyone that goes to see a horror movie is stupid But those are the only people complaining that the clues were too obvious are the ones that aren't stupid. There's plenty of people that didn't see it coming. I feel like that's just the horror movie genre is the one that just across the board most people, most Americans will go see. That or like G-rated movies, like people bring their families. But for the most part, that's like the most popular movies that always top the charts on, you know, like the highest-grossing movies. That and Transformers. Yeah, that too, like really big action movies. Any movie that's really shitty is what most Americans are going to go see.

You're right. One of those indie flicks. Well, you showed me this. This is off topic. I haven't even talked about the scene that haunted me. Oh, I guess we should get to that then, Pete. That's the whole point of why I picked the movie, but we don't have to talk about it. You can just talk about it. You know the scene where they show on the news the birthday party that's happening in Portugal, and then the alien creeps out from behind the bushes and you see it for the first time? Yeah. I couldn't sleep for six months because they showed a...

The alien is the most standard green man-looking alien ever, and it absolutely terrified me for months and months and months. I could not sleep. I had to have lights on, and I was afraid that I was going to see a green alien pop out of a bush. It is still scary, though, and they kind of use the same technique of Jaws, where they just don't show it that much, so you're dreading what it actually looks like. That's true. And they don't ever really show it up close. There's that one scene at the end where he's got Rory Culkin and sprays the gas in his face, but even then, they're not focusing on what the alien looks like. They only zoom in on his face through a reflection of a TV. Exactly. It's just like...

To leave it out in the open. And so that, I guess also the technique there is like, what if it looks really silly in a couple years when all these graphics are outdated, which would be now if we saw it. Because even that little shot of the candid shot of the alien walking across the alleyway or wherever they show it, it still just looks like a kind of shitty computer graphic now, but at the time it was probably pretty scary. Right at the end when the alien falls into the dresser and the water falls over, it looks really bad. But it doesn't matter. That's not the point. Right.

Like I was saying, we need to go see a horror movie with a big crowd because they hadn't really shown, they showed like the alien's leg before that. When that alien comes out of the bushes, because they set it up too with Joaquin Phoenix like glued to the TV screen and telling the kids to get out of the way so he can see what's happening. And then when the alien comes out, that audience lost its shit. Everyone was like screaming, like screaming their lungs out and gasping when that stupid computer generated alien poked out. He just walks and looks at the camera and that's it. He doesn't even do anything bad. He doesn't kill anyone or like move quickly. He just kind of casually walks and does a double take. Like, is that a birthday party? And then...

It's horrifying, though, because we haven't seen the thing before. That's a good horror movie. If nothing happens and you're still shaking to the bone by it, then they did a good job. So that's why I don't think Science is such a bad movie. Because with all the drawbacks of, like, what's the point of this movie? It doesn't have a message. It's just a fucking horror movie at the end of the day, too. It doesn't need to say anything. It's about aliens. What kind of message does this movie have to have? But he set it up so that you like the people, the characters in the movie. And we're just watching a videotape of a birthday party where an alien just walks by, and it's terrifying. He did a good job. Now it's silly to look back at it, but it's because we already know what's happening and things have changed.

Do you know what the scariest part for me was of the movie? What? It was when Meryl walked into the army and the sergeant's sitting at the desk and the fucking sergeant looks like the scariest man I've ever seen. It's true. When he goes into the army reserve building or whatever, Matt General has just the biggest bug eyes you've ever seen. He's like, I got it all figured out. It's called probing. They send out a few units just to check out the threat level. His eyes are like cue balls. Yes. He looks like Dwight Schrute who went insane.

Like, even more insane than he already looked. He just has, like, a weird-looking face. I'm going to find a picture of that guy and just send you memes of it. No, please don't. I got it all figured out. No, the worst one was when he found out Merrill used to be a baseball player and was like, why aren't you sitting around having pretty young ladies lick your toes? I know you. You're Merrill. Why aren't you in the major league sitting on stacks of cash having pretty ladies lick your toes?

What? That's what I would do. I've got news for you. If I ever hit it big as a baseball player, I'm going to have ladies licking my toes. Cool, as long as I don't have to do it. I'm not going to leave you. I'm just going to hire other women to lick my toes. For cleaning purposes or just for general joy and pleasure? Just because you can? To get my rocks off. Gross. Okay, well, fine. When I make it as a world-famous baseball player, I'm going to sit on Snacks of Cash and have beautiful men braid my hair. That really doesn't bother me. To get my rocks off. What do you think about that, Pete? I don't know how to braid hair, so that's fine. Good.

i don't know how to lick feet clearly I'm trying to think if there's anything else we should talk about with the movie. I mean, there's obvious things of like, oh, Mel Gibson used to be. Oh, that's a funny scene now is where his brother tries to get him to go outside and run around and act crazy and swear to scare off who they don't know as an alien. He's like, well, I've never cursed before. And we know he can curse now with his whatever elite voicemail. Voicemail to his ex-girlfriend. Yeah. He's awful. Should I make that YouTube video? Should I just take that clip from Signs? Somebody probably already has. Put in the voicemail. Somebody probably already has. If they haven't, then you should. But somebody probably already has. Yeah.

That was a funny scene, though. I liked it. And then I'll be the next Hitchcock. He said, and then he runs back around and says, I cursed. I heard. Good. I'm going to give you an ass-whipping. I'm losing my mind. That's what it was. I'm losing my mind. I'm in a rage. Raging angry. That was a funny scene. I liked that. Yeah, there are, like, charming moments in that movie. Like, not always charming, but, like, the scene where...

basically the world's ending, so they all have whatever they want for dinner, and nobody's eating, obviously, because they know they're probably all going to die and be ripped apart by aliens later that night, and then he just starts screaming at everyone to eat their dinner, and then they won't, so he eats everybody's food, and everyone starts crying, and then they hug each other. Yeah. It's a good scene. It's a good scene. You know, you're like, oh, Mel Gibson, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for your character, not for you, because you're a horrible person. No, not for you, he's shitty. But, you know, he's a good actor.

Hey, Pete, if aliens were coming and you could have one last meal, what would you have? Oh, man, probably some really good chicken parm. Okay. Probably a chicken parm sandwich. Here was my big issue, is how did he have all the ingredients to make? You're not going to tell me what you're going to have? No, no, no. It can't be a one-sided question. Probably a lot of dairy products, because I'm lactose intolerant, and if I knew the world was going to end, I'd just, like, kill it. So now I know that if we get invaded by aliens, we're going to be constipated the whole night that we could kill them. Yeah. Great. Can't wait for that.

Aliens are coming. Let me get some ice cream and just have a stomachache the whole night. So? Who cares? I'm going to be dead soon. I'd rather have our last night where you're not like, oh, my tummy hurts. I'd rather have my last night where I'm like, ooh, that milkshake was good. That's true. Maybe we'll both get milkshakes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But how did he have all the ingredients to make all those different meals? He was on a farm. He's got a stock kitchen. He can't drive into town every goddamn day. Okay, what did he have to make? Spaghetti, mashed potatoes, French toast, chicken teriyaki. Cheeseburger with bacon. You don't think this man has ground beef, chicken, soy sauce.

tomato sauce, eggs to make French toast in his house? No, I don't. Those are very basic ingredients. None of those things even needed parsley or cumin. He needed spaghetti, potatoes, chicken, and beef to make those meals. You're like, how the fuck would that guy have all those ingredients? Because I never have any of that stuff that I have. Just because your fridge is empty doesn't mean a grown man farmer can't make mashed potatoes. He needs butter and potatoes. Fine. Fine, Pete. I saved that answer until now because when you were like, how can he make all those things? Those are some of the most basic meals I've ever heard.

Cool. What? It's funny. It's funny. Thanks for making me look like an idiot on my podcast about me being an idiot. Thanks, Pete. Isn't that the whole point? Yeah. What if the kid was like, I want sushi. He's like, fuck, I can't make that. No, you can't have that. You're going to have to settle for fish sticks and rice. I'm not ratatouille. No. I don't have a mandolin to cut things that thin. We're having cheeseburgers and mashed potatoes because I can make those things. Those are real easy to make.

I'm so glad I had you on this show. I want grilled cheese and tomato soup. I don't have that. I would need bread and cheese to make that. I don't have those. What am I? What am I, a farmer? Can we have corn? No, it's all bent over. My corn's fucked up. Why isn't he more pissed about his corn being fucked up? That's the only thing he grows on his whole farm. That's his only source of income. And he's like, that's peculiar. How'd he be pissed? That's true. It's like a store being robbed. That is true. He doesn't really seem to be concerned about that. He doesn't give a fuck about that corn. They never do any work the whole time during that whole movie. Farmers have hard lives, and he's just chilling in the house watching his kids watch Dexter's lab.

Not even Merrill plucks one piece of corn. It looked pretty ready. Those were tall corn stalks. How much longer do we have to wait to harvest this corn? Merrill doesn't have to do anything because he used to be a good baseball player. He's living off of his minor league money? Yeah, yeah. How does anybody in that family make money? He's no longer a baseball player, and the guy who's a farmer didn't do a goddamn thing the whole time. The little girl grew up to be a professional water quality taster.

I mean during the course of the movie. I'm not asking how the girl made a living when she was 20 years older. Well, I thought you wanted to know that that's what happened. She made use out of that weird tick. Her weird what? Tick. Oh. Tick. Her one weird tit? Tit.

They could use out of her one tit. No, you said that. I didn't say that. I said tit. Thank you for coming on my podcast, Peter Byrne. You're welcome. Is there anything that you would like to plug coming up? This is October. Oh, then no. I don't know what my schedule is. Okay. As long as we're not cut, Small Town Doctor will have shows at I.O., probably three or four shows. God willing, God willing. Yeah. Long when I cut, God willing, Small Town Doctor will have a few shows. We just did our first headline show. They're probably not going to give us another one of those for a few months. Oh, it was great. I know, it was good, but...

We're not even a year old. I don't know how it works. I don't know how anything fucking works over there. Just Google IO Chicago and Small Town Doctor and you'll find our shows. Or you can just like Small Town Doctor on Facebook, right? Do you have a Facebook page? Yeah, but...

I don't think we've ever posted anything on that page. Well, become friends with Peter on Facebook. He usually posts any shows that he's in. You do Polar Pig sometimes, too. Polar Pig proposed a show to IO, so we might have a weekly show. That would be nice. Maybe by October. We'll keep your eye out for that. It'll be a little open mic sort of show for sketch and improv and solo material. Very cool. And maybe by this time, Piener will have performed again. Piener, that's us. That's us. The two of us. That's us. We've only done one show so far, but it was a killer. Boy, it slayed that crowd of maybe 20 people in an apartment. You know what?

I'd rather have that than a room full of people that didn't like us. Was that sweet? I don't know. Okay. Maybe by October you'll have learned how to lick toes. Oh, God, never. You thought I was going to drop that, huh? You're definitely going to drop that. I am disgusting feet. I'm not done.

They're just hairy with long nails. There's nothing wrong with them. You like The Hobbit, right? No, I never saw The Hobbit. Okay, well, here's a preview. Oh, God, put your foot down, please. Well, it's kind of hard to plug this because we don't have a name for it yet, but Moonroof is doing a music concert that's coming up on October 17th. I'm sorry, 16th. It's the Friday in October, and it's going to be a whole night of musical comedy and non-comedic music acts.

three-hour-long event that we're doing. There will be more details on the internet. I'm sorry to be so vague about it right now, but if you like Moonroof on Facebook, we'll definitely have some information on there. It's going to be a really fun night, so I know Pete's going to be there, because if he isn't, I'm going to break up with him. Like bad at movies on Facebook, too, while you're at it. It would mean a lot to me. I would like to hit 100 likes. What are you at? I think like 83. Jesus Christ. I haven't asked a bunch of people to like it. I have shared it. I'll share it.

Okay. Get people that don't know you to like it. Cool. That's what matters the most to me. It's like, our friends, eh. It's like, cool, you like this, whatever. We don't really care about our friends. No. They're not important. They don't do it. It's like, what good are you going to do me? You're already my friend. I'm trying to make new friends.

On that note, thank you so much for coming in, Pete. And I believe we have one more segment left on the show. Oh, do we? Yeah. Oh, interesting. Yeah. We have this really, really great couple. They're Morty and Ava. They made their way down to the studio, which they have made many complaints to me about. They don't like doing this, but we're so happy to have them. They love to critique films, and they actually have watch signs, and they would love to give their take on it, if that's okay with you. I would love to hear that. Okay. Well, let's go ahead and have them come in. Okay.

I'm just going to sit. I've been standing outside the store for a very long time. There's an empty Coca-Cola can here that I did not open. I'd like it to be removed. What, are you all of a sudden going to make demands? We just walked in here, Morty. Yes. I'm Ava Rosenblum. This is my husband, Morty. Get this out of here. I don't want to see you. Okay, Morty, just please. You're interrupting me. Disgusting. What did you think of the movie Shines? I hated it. Why? I don't like a religion being shoved down my throat. Okay. I'm trying to watch a movie about aliens, and the first thing I see is the dusty ghost of a crucifix that's no longer on the wall. And I go, here we go!

It's going to be another Jesus movie. Another Mel Gibson Jesus movie. What a surprise. Oh, dear. Let's not talk about that man. He is the worst. There's not much of a choice. He's the star of this movie, and he saves the day. We've got to praise another person that's an awful human being. You know what? Why didn't M. Night Shyamalan. Why didn't he just... What's a Canadian name? Bruce Willis in every one of his movies. He did it for the first two, and then he makes signs, and where's Bruce Willis? He could have been a great Mel Gibson. Bruce Willis would have been a great Mel Gibson. He would be a very sexy reverend.

You might make me convert. To what? To Catholicism. From what? Judaism. You're not Jewish. I am culturally Jewish. I forgot. I am. We just never do anything about it. Well, I get to say that I am.

And I eat Jewish food? Brewis... Brewis Willis. Brewis Willis. Brewis? Brewis Willis is a very handsome man. He's very handsome. Nice and bold. He was in The Seventh Sense. That's the one. He was in Undoable. Yes. And then they made signs and they picked somebody else. They picked that stupid man Gibson. They picked Mad Max. He was the original Mad Max. Did you know that? Hmm. Cruising the desert looking to save people. He's always... How many movies has Mel Gibson been in where he's some sort of savior character? I do. I'm asking the question. Clearly you don't. Never mind. I don't care. Why don't we ask a question that Abel wants to ask?

You know who probably would know how many movies? Who cares? I bet Daniel would know. He knows a lot of dumb facts. Daniel knows a lot of useless information. Hey, Daniel, how many Mel Gibson movies make him into some sort of savior character? You got the passion, clearly. Signs, Mad Max. There's Daniel with his patented sigh into the mic. You guys, why is it so loud? Why am I... Is this your Coke can? You don't know how to rinse and throw away your can? You should respect the space. Daniel, clean up half of yourself.

That's my... Okay, what did you want to know? Name one Gelman Mipson movie besides Signs, Passion, or Mad Max. Yes. Or that... Yes, I can't remember the name of any other ones. The Beaver one. You remember? He's got a beaver. Yes, the Jodie Foster classic. I just said Passion. He said that already. Jesus. My God, you think Passion's a different movie from Passion of the Christ? Get off, Mike, Daniel. You are worthless. Never mind. Jesus. You know who I related to most in the movie, Moody? The child. Yes, the little girl who could taste all the different waters. I do that every night. You bring me a glass of water, I say, I do not like this. And you say, why? And I say, this tastes like metal.

It's because I drop a nickel in your glass of water. Why would you do that? To sanitize it. There's not enough nickel in our tap water, so I drop a nickel in your water. Make sure you get your vitamins. Well, that's sweet. I don't want to outlive you. Oh. What would you do if I got chaps? Chaps? Chaps between a car and a tree. And you came over, and the last word that I said to you was, hold the mustard. I would say, boys, back up the car, let me stand in front of the tree, and crash it again. Why would you?

Good morning. What am I going to do without you? Sit around and complain to nothing? Oh, you mean that they would crash the car into you? I thought you meant just to kill me one thing for all. Not to hit you a second time. What do you want, Daniel? You look like you want to say something. Braveheart. Are you looking at your phone? Braveheart. I didn't want to see proof that you know how to use your Google. Great. Good for you. Good for you. You know how to work a phone and your poor parents do not. The letters are too small. Daniel, tell me something. Can you also become a doctor or a lawyer with your phone? Because that's something we'd like to have. No, we cannot. You know, one of these days I'm not going to be here to take you guys. Just...

Everywhere you need to go. You're going to be at the arcade? What? I'm going to be doing things in my life. Okay. I won't hold my breath for that one. Every single thing on Daniel's agenda. Under date, he writes, one of these days.

Every single thing. I ought to go to the grocery store on one of these days. I ought to make something of myself one of these days. You can't put all of your dates on one date, Daniel. All I ask is that one time whenever we come over for dinner, you are able to meet our request at a moment's notice. When I all of a sudden decide I do not want meatloaf and instead want eggplant parmesan, you should be able to accommodate your own mother. Daniel, we should never come to your house and have you say you don't have anything for dinner. You should very easily be able to make chicken teriyaki.

French toast. Hamburgers with cheese. Cheeseburgers. That's right. Hamburgers with cheese and bacon. And bacon. Lots of bacon. Lots of bacon. Extra bacon. You can't have pork. She's converted. I am culturally Jewish. I am not under any obligation. What part of the culture do you celebrate? We did that so that Mel Gibson would leave us alone. I celebrate the part that doesn't like Mel Gibson.

And the part that celebrates Hanukkah. And Braveheart was John Travolta, not Mel Gibson. Yeah, it should have been Bruce Willis, I tell you. Boogie Nights? Huh? What? Oh, that's right. I always get Braveheart and Boogie Nights mixed up. I see how you could, you know. They have very similar names, Dirk Diggler and the other one. Dick Diggler? Dick Diggler and Dirk Diggler, the two main leads of Braveheart and Boogie Nights.

You know, everybody, I'm hungry, and I know that this young boy did not prepare what I wanted to eat, so could you please take me from this place? I'll get the car. Thank you, Daniel. Let's go get a milkshake. Yes, a milkshake. With Gal Mipson. Gal Mipson, our favorite Jew.