Hello there, Emma Queen here with the Regulated Woman podcast and we're jumping straight in with the idea of who you are being. This is something that actually really clicked in when I read a book called Conversations with God by Neil Donald Walsh. I highly recommend it. It is not a religious book at all.
It is a fascinating insight of self-development and it introduced this idea of who do I need to be, then what do I need to do to have the results that I'm looking for? And I've got to say, I do struggle explaining it sometimes because whilst I get it consciously, unconsciously, I'll still drop into those patterns. Now, before we go anywhere, I'll explain what this actually means for you. So it's the idea of saying, I'll be calm when the kids move out.
I'll be calm when the money's sorted. I'll be calm when he finally changes. I'll be said emotion when that thing changes. That's essentially what I'm looking at.
And I do hear that a lot. When this happens, I will change. It will be, I will feel better, those kinds of things. So it's basically waiting to have the things so we can finally be the person that we want to be.
And so my question to you is what if you've got this whole equation upside down? All framework that's cracked this wide open for me and it's three words, B, do and have. So let me explain a little bit more. As I said, conversations with God by Neil Donald-Wash, brilliant, brilliant book.
There's a number of books. You can probably get them on eBay or a marketplace or even at the auction. Or to get the audio version because that's pretty good. And I didn't get it the first time and every now and again, I still drop it.
It sat with me and then it clicked. And it's really about running it backwards myself. So the version of me who thought that the regularity can't sort it when it was on the other side of some finish line. And really we're going to pull apart the B, do, have model and connect it to what it actually means to be a regulated woman.
So let's jump in. So the way most of us live have do be. When I have the thing, the money, the partner who gets it, the quiet house, the healed, nervous system, then I'll do the thing, rest, set the boundary, say no, slow down. And then I'll finally be her, calm, regulated and free.
And that's the trap. The B is always parked in the future, it never arrives. Because there's always another thing to have first, right? So we've got to flip it.
B, do, have. And if this helps write down the words, B, do, have on a piece of paper if you aren't driving this into this. We actually start with who we are being. So right now nothing has to change first.
From that state, you're doing changes, different choices, different responses, different boundaries. And then the having follows the calm, the capacity of the life. It's the byproduct, not the entry fee. Being isn't the reward for getting it all sorted.
Being is where you start. B, do, have. So who are you being? Ask the question.
Who am I being? Who are you being today? Most of us never ask it. We ask what do, I have to do and what don't.
I have to yet. And we skip right past who am I being while I do it. And I guess we have a lot of identities, don't we? Especially as females.
Anyone who seems to be a male or female, we have a lot of hats, we have a lot of identities. So the truth really is we're always being someone. There's no neutral. You're either being the frazzled braced, waiting for the shoe to drop version or you're being her, the regulated one.
Being is not a choice, it's not a condition. It's not a personality we're born with. It's not a thing that you earn after enough therapy. A choice you make in the moment, again, in the game.
We tie it back to doing the work, emotional sovereignty, choosing who you are being doesn't require anyone else to change. It doesn't require the circumstance to change. That's the whole point. You get to choose you.
And there's no villain required. So notice how you outsource your being to your circumstance. This example being, I'm so stressed because of him, XYZ, because of work, because of the money. Those things are real, but they're the have.
They're not who you are. You get to choose who you're being. That's essentially the power here. And the question is, where does the nervous system come in?
It's part science, part soul. It's the bridge to regulation. And here's the honest bit. Just choosing to become is not enough and you know it.
You can't affirm your way out of a dysregulated nervous system, if only, right? This is where the doing earns its place. Being a regulated woman isn't a mindset trick. It's a body you come home to.
The regulated woman is the being. Her nervous system practices are the doing that make the being real and repeatable, right? If you don't do the regulation to one day become regulated, you do it as the regulated woman. When you're auditioning for the role, you already have it.
So his little code, a tiny nervous system practice that you can use to drop into being on purpose, like a breath or a hand on the heart. So do that right now. Hand on heart, take it in half. Long exhale, one more inhale.
Long exhale, if you feel the eyes in, to drop, then of course they can. Of course, don't do this when you're driving. One more inhale, long exhale. Those long exhales are the nervous system codes that I'm talking about here.
The really quick one. One more time, inhale through the nose. Long exhale. That's being, that's regulation.
This is not the homework that you do to qualify. It's how you leave. It's the do that flows out of the be. Regulation is the doing.
The regulated woman is the being. The calm life is the have. Be, do, and have. So let's repeat this one more time because I know this is landing for some of you.
The backwards version of I'll be calm once he apologizes, once it's all done, once they've respected my time. And she waits, she stays braced and the being never comes. The forwards version, she chooses who she is being first. I am a regulated woman.
From there, the response changes. The boundary becomes easier. She doesn't abandon herself to manage everyone else. Those 70 to 80,000 thoughts a day are often the same thoughts that we had yesterday.
Our language is vitally important to our current reality. I've talked about this in other episodes. Stating I am a regulated woman. You know what to do.
It's those long exhales when you're having a wee. You don't have to give extra time to it or listen to a podcast like this. It's a different woman showing up to it because she's led with B. You, B.
And so you're not becoming a regulated woman. You're not on your way to her. You're not one or course, one more year, one more healed wound away from her, my friend. She's available now in this breath in who you decide to be.
And so say that out loud, I'm a regulated woman. Not when it's all sorted, but now. The circumstances might not have moved. You might not be there yet, but it doesn't matter.
The being doesn't wait. The having is always the lie. There's a question for today who, who you being today. You don't get regulated and then become her.
You get to be her and regulated follows. Stop waiting to have it all figured out. Start being her now. Be, then do and watch what you get to have.
That is our episode for today. You may need to listen to it. A few more times. You know, I'm always here to keep you up and hold your hand.
But who are you being today? Off you go.