Episode 33 - When Your Brain Reacts Before You Think

When Your Brain Reacts Before You Think   The Moment Between the Two Brains (And Why We Lose Ourselves) When Your Brain Goes Downstairs: People Pleasing, Overeating, and Survival Today I want to go a little deeper into something we’ve been talking about… the upstairs brain and the downstairs brain. And I want to make this really practical today. Because once you start seeing this pattern, you start noticing it everywhere. Not just in big emotional moments… but in small everyday reactions too. Like: over-explaining in conversations people pleasing snapping and then regretting it shutting down emotionally overeating without even feeling hungry scrolling for longer than you meant to or feeling overwhelmed and just needing to escape And what I find so fascinating is this… All of those behaviors are actually connected to the same nervous system response.   The Two Brain Systems (Simple Explanation) So when we talk about the upstairs and downstairs brain, we’re really talking about two systems in the brain working at different speeds.   Downstairs Brain (Survival System) This includes things like the amygdala, the brainstem, and other fast-acting survival structures. And this part of the brain is quick. Very quick. It scans for anything that feels like danger—not just physical danger, but emotional or social danger too. So things like: conflict tone of voice disappointment pressure emotional tension can all register as threat. And the downstairs brain reacts instantly: “Fix it.” “Get out of this.” “Make it better quickly.” “Do something now.” It’s not thinking. It’s protecting.   Upstairs Brain (Thinking + Regulation System) The upstairs brain is mainly the prefrontal cortex. This is the part that helps you: think clearly pause before reacting regulate emotions consider perspective make intentional choices This is your grounded, wise self. The part of you that can say: “Let me slow down here.” “I don’t need to react immediately.” “I can choose how I want to respond.”   The Important Truth: They Work at Different Speeds And this is key… The downstairs brain is fast. The upstairs brain is slower. So in moments of stress, the emotional system often activates first. Before we even think about it. And sometimes it temporarily reduces access to clear thinking. This is often called an amygdala hijack—when the survival system takes over before the thinking system can fully engage. And that’s why it can feel like: “I know better… but I still reacted that way.” That’s not failure. That’s biology.   The Moment Between the Two Brains And here’s what I find really fascinating… There is a moment between the two brains. A small pause. A space. And that space is where everything changes. Because in that moment, you can either: go downstairs into reaction… or stay upstairs long enough to choose your response. But most of us were never taught how to stay in that pause. We were taught to: be polite avoid conflict fix things quickly smooth everything over keep everyone happy not make things uncomfortable So we learned speed over awareness. Reaction over reflection.   What Going “Downstairs” Actually Looks Like And this is where it gets really interesting… Because going downstairs doesn’t always look dramatic. Sometimes it looks like: people pleasing over-explaining apologizing too quickly freezing and going quiet emotional shutdown or needing to fix the relationship immediately And sometimes it doesn’t even show up in relationships. Sometimes it shows up in how we try to regulate ourselves.   The Nervous System’s Search for Relief Because here’s something really important… When the downstairs brain is activated, it is not just trying to think. It is trying to feel better quickly. So it will reach for anything that creates immediate relief. And that’s where we see patterns like: overeating emotional eating scrolling on our phone numbing out with distractions people pleasing over-functioning or staying constantly busy And what’s so important to understand is this: These are not random habits. They are nervous system regulation strategies.   Overeating and the Downstairs Brain Let’s talk about overeating for a moment. Because this is something so many people experience quietly. When the nervous system feels overwhelmed, stressed, lonely, or emotionally full… the downstairs brain starts looking for fast comfort. And food is one of the quickest ways the brain knows how to change how we feel. Because food can: increase dopamine (pleasure chemicals) create soothing sensations temporarily reduce stress and bring a sense of comfort or grounding So the brain learns: “This helps me feel better quickly.” Not because something is wrong with you… but because your nervous system is trying to regulate itself.   And in that moment, the upstairs brain—the reflective part of you—has less access. So instead of asking: “Am I hungry?” “What do I actually need?” “Am I tired or overwhelmed?” the system is just asking: “How do I feel better right now?” That’s downstairs brain thinking. Fast relief.   Why This Is Not About Willpower And I really want to be gentle here… Because this is not a willpower issue. This is not about discipline. This is about a nervous system trying to find relief from internal discomfort. And when we understand that, everything shifts. Because now we’re not asking: “What’s wrong with me?” We start asking: “What am I feeling that I don’t know how to hold right now?”   Why Women Especially Experience This And I think this is especially true for women. Because many women are constantly managing: emotions in relationships family needs expectations emotional environments and internal pressure to keep everything okay So the nervous system becomes highly sensitive to: tension disappointment conflict emotional shifts in others And that can create a brain that goes “downstairs” very quickly. And then tries to restore safety quickly. Through people pleasing… or overeating… or over-functioning… or emotional shutdown. Different behaviors. Same system.   The Real Healing Point: Awareness of the Pause So what actually helps? It’s not eliminating emotion. It’s not never going downstairs. That’s not realistic. The healing point is awareness. Because once you can notice: “Oh… I’m downstairs right now.” You create the possibility of coming back. And that moment—that awareness—is everything.   The Pause Is a Biological Skill That pause between reaction and response is not just emotional maturity. It is your nervous system learning regulation. Because in that pause: your breathing slows your body begins to settle the thinking brain can come back online and you regain access to choice And that’s the goal. Not perfection. Awareness.   Creativity as a Way Back Upstairs And this is where I always come back to creativity. Because creativity naturally slows the nervous system. When you’re: painting collaging journaling working with color and texture your system begins to regulate. And something shifts. You move from reaction… into presence. And in that presence, you start hearing yourself again. Not fear. Not urgency. Not pressure. You. And sometimes in that space, you realize: “I’m more overwhelmed than I thought.” “I’ve been carrying too much.” “I’ve been reacting all day without noticing.” “I actually need something different.” Creativity gives you access to awareness before reaction.   Closing So maybe the question isn’t: “How do I stop reacting?” Maybe it’s: “Can I notice when I’m reacting… just a little sooner?” Because the upstairs brain is not far away. It doesn’t disappear. It just gets harder to access when the downstairs brain is loud. But it always returns through: awareness breath pause presence and sometimes… creativity And from that place… you don’t just react to life. You begin to respond to it.