Episode 4: Working through the emotional aftermath as a survivor To Readers Note: The story centers on the Itaewon disaster, which occurred on Oct. 29, 2022. Breaking down for the first time Living with PTSD The emotional aftermath of PTSD Warning Guilt Fear Anxiety Depression and helplessness Anger This article was originally written in Korean and translated by a bilingual reporter with the help of generative AI tools. It was then edited by a native English-speaking editor. All AI-assisted translations are reviewed and refined by our newsroom.

For a long time, I wondered why I reacted so strongly to things that seemed minor. It was only through treatment and time that I realized it was not a matter of willpower; it was a consequence of physical changes in the brain. *The series is based on the real-life experience of Kim Nam-young, a JoongAng Ilbo reporter currently living with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The following articles are written from Kim's first-person perspective. I have PTSD. Itaewon is a well-known nightlife district in Yongsan District, central Seoul, and a popular spot for Halloween celebrations because of its diverse international culture. The disaster occurred during the first Halloween season after social distancing restrictions imposed during the Covid-19 pandemic had been lifted. Large crowds gathered in the area to celebrate. As more and more people poured into the neighborhood, the crowd became dangerously packed. The situation eventually led to a crowd crush in a narrow alley, amid a lack of effective crowd-control measures, leaving some 350 people dead or injured, including 159 fatalities. As a reporter on the social affairs desk, I covered the Itaewon disaster on Oct. 29, 2022. Since November of the following year, I have been receiving treatment regularly. I attend psychiatric counseling sessions and take medication every day. I am only revealing the illness now, more than two years later, not because I have overcome it. This is not a story about recovery, but a record of living through the illness. To be honest, I still do not know when, or if, I will overcome it. Instead, I want to talk about the time I have spent living alongside PTSD. Even now, I continue to work as a policy and social affairs reporter while exercising, traveling and going on with daily life. If someone is hesitating to see a doctor, I hope this piece can help. I also hope we can become a society where people do not feel forced to hide emotional pain and trauma. "How can a person do something like that?" After forcing out those words, all I could do was cry silently. Tears streamed down my face. My doctor pushed a box of tissues toward me across the table without saying a word. I cried for the first time in my doctor's office on Dec. 13, 2024, despite having visited countless times before. I didn't even shed a tear when I talked about my PTSD symptoms. Four days earlier on Dec. 9, 2024, Lee Sang-min — the then Minister of the Interior and Safety — had stepped down from office. In his farewell message, he wrote, "Every moment was truly happy." Those words, coming from one of the key officials held responsible for the Itaewon disaster on Oct. 29, 2022, hit me harder than I expected. Hearing what felt like a statement devoid of responsibility only deepened my pain. During my appointment, I began talking about him and suddenly found myself overwhelmed by emotion. PTSD is an illness of memories, but it is also an illness of emotions. Guilt, fear, anxiety, depression, helplessness, sadness and anger — these negative emotions are amplified as if someone has turned a loudspeaker toward them. I do not feel these emotions every moment of every day. But sometimes they rise unexpectedly to the surface and take hold of me. Fortunately, medication has helped me keep them under control. The following story contains descriptions related to the Itaewon disaster of October 2022. Some readers may find references to disaster scenes, rescue efforts and emotional or physical reactions from the time distressing or psychologically unsettling. If you have experienced a similar trauma or are currently struggling emotionally, we encourage you to stop reading or seek support if needed. Assistance is available through nearby psychiatric clinics or mental health counseling centers. PTSD is not simply a state of heightened emotional sensitivity. For a long time, I wondered why I reacted so strongly to things that seemed minor. It was only through treatment and time that I realized i...