Welcome to the Life's A Pitch Podcast, the show where we pitch the best movies that will never get made. I'm Tom McGrath. And I'm that term. This is the podcast where we ask you to listen to give us a title of a movie that doesn't exist.
Yet. We then collaborate to create a pitch for that movie, complete with casting, story beats, and sometimes even marketing. Without further ado, this week's main feature is... Spine movies!
Spine movies are the action genre. None of your tinker-teller-soldier sorts. Oh yeah, this is... Nothing happens really at all.
This is big, bombastic action. Yeah, we're gonna put a coin that's actually a remote mine. On the side of the desk. Oh yeah.
We know that there's gonna be a meeting in the arcade in Scarborough. We're gonna put a 2P that's gonna blow up. Or two people with a camera on us. Actually, it's one of the toys inside, has a little camera in it.
Oh yes. Imagine that. Why in Scarborough? Just one of the places you find two p-machines, isn't it?
I guess, yes. So yes, we're doing action movie spines genre movies. Not specifically for arcades in the coast of England. No, but broadly.
Broadly. Broadly, broadly spy. So you're thinking you're James Bond's. Yeah.
You're Kingsman's. Yes, you're Kingsman's. You're Spy Kids. You're Spy Kids.
You're Spider-Man's. If you like. Yes. Yeah.
I'm spelling that with a Y. Erm, and many, many more. Yes. Born identity.
Yes. Yes. So, just does this week. It is.
It is. Yeah, it's been a little while, but it's always nice to check in. Yeah. How are you doing?
I'm doing all right. We can check in when there are other people in the room as well. Yes. But it's nice to check in with each other.
Well, when the microphone's not on. Yeah, it is nice to check in. How are you doing? Listen.
Well, yeah, how are you? Cool. All right, good to hear it. Oh, sorry, that happened.
Yeah, no, that's good. So, yeah, no introduction of the guest. Yeah, no. It's just going to, going to, going to, going to, career through, make some sticky watches that help me climb up a building or a special pair of shoes that allow you to slide down a hill.
Yeah. Have you got some dental floss? You can use as a grappling hook. Wow.
Isn't that cool? Game Boy that can, that can play games on walls. Game Boy camera that can see through walls. Game Boy camera.
And plays licks awakening. And it's also got see through shells. You can see all the computer bits. Ah, amazing, amazing.
So, we're just going to pitch some of those movies. Yeah. People going to touch up as our social media platforms. I won't read them out here.
You just have to find them. Look them up. Blue Sky. I'll do it if you want.
Yeah, there's a little bit of podcast. Blue Sky. Not sure where it is. Yeah, Blue Sky is the main one.
Yeah, we've got a lot of interaction over there. A lot of interaction on Blue Sky. Forget X have existed. Forget Twitter existed.
Just come on over. Come on over to Blue Sky. It's not ruled by a fascist. Yeah.
I'm calling it Tom. I'm calling it probably about a month. Yeah. Stop doing Tarot Post over there.
Okay. That's the window. Yeah. We're giving your months notice.
We're giving your months notice to start moving your accounts. Getting your accounts in order before the lives of it. Ships sales from just an archive. Yeah.
It's just what used to be. Life's a pitch on Twitter. Yeah. So yeah, go over to Blue Sky.
Give me your titles there. We're still active on Facebook to some degree. Yeah. So let's pitch some movies, shall we?
Alright. So from silver bullets, we've got the password is in the eye of the b-holder. The b-holder. Okay.
The password is in the eye of the b-holder. So do you remember the film, the b-keeper? Yeah. Which is I suppose technically a spy action movie.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Most of Jason Stayfins films are now just by action movies. There's an organisation there runs all the full of staff. Yeah.
So I'm thinking. I'm thinking we have a spy action thriller in a dungeon and dragon style world. I thought you were going to say in a beehive. Well, it's like ants with a zed, but in a corporation that is actually a beehive.
Well, I was going to say I realized it didn't work once I actually read out the title. Oh, there's two E's in that. Damn. Well, that's ruined my D&D based spy thriller.
Yeah. Now we've got Jason Statham holding a lot of bees. Yeah, I think we should do the bug one. The bug one.
The spiritual success to a bug's life. Oh, ants. Spiritual success to ants. Yeah.
Because it won't be as good as bugs life. No, probably not. So yeah, I don't know. Is there anything there?
Tom, like a spy movie in a set of beehive? I've. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. I think a wasp infiltrates a beehive. Oh, shit. Yeah.
All right. Because they know where all the jam is. Yeah. And what was it?
The password. The password is in the eye of the beeholder. Password. Pass everything there.
I think maybe because you know bees dance. Hey. Right. What's the buzz?
Bees dance to communicate. Yeah. Right. This wasps trying to get in.
And I think. Yes. Oh, I've got to go to dance lessons. I'm figuring it out.
Yes. Yes. Ant. Right.
Yes. Ant. Yeah. Yeah.
Jason Statham is a scientist who's writing a paper on bee waggle dancing. OK. Yeah. Which is the blueprints to getting into the hive.
OK. Right. Yeah. Like if you could because he's writing a paper with diagrams and stuff on like what bees mean when they say left, right?
You know that's. So was this human Jason Statham? Yes. OK.
Yeah. Yeah. It's got this. This is going to have big, honey, I shrunk the kids edge.
OK. Or like Ozymotic Jones. Yeah. Right.
Well, like. Or Ant Man. Right. Does he turn himself into a wasp?
I think this is a 2D animated bees and wasps situation. Yeah. With a live action Jason Statham as a bee keeper situation. They look like old timey Disney.
Yeah. Yeah. Like the ugly big balls kind of thing. Yeah.
Fully Ozymotic Jones. Yeah. You know, a little bit of 3D just doesn't make it blend. But like, yeah.
Yeah. You know, it transfers. He's the only one in 3D. The rest of the bees are 2D.
Yeah. I just think that like having a this bee played by. Jason Statham. Oh, again.
Yeah. No. OK. He shrinks himself.
He's like, and man. He wants to be a bee. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.
I think no, because or maybe he shrinks his like, maybe he shrinks his daughter down. And he's like, what have I done to my daughter? OK. I'm willing to entertain that.
Yeah. Right. But my first thought was it's a wasp from outside. Yeah.
Who's been tasked with finding out the password to get into the bee hive. Yeah. That's where all the good honey, right? I'm just just out of thought.
It's just, you know, how he's shrinking his daughter down, right? By accident. Yeah. Right.
This is like a weird take on those geezers. Oh, yeah. It's just a staphone. Take my daughter.
You don't know what I'm capable of. But I will find my daughter. Now I've been pushed to the limit. Yeah.
I will now wreak havoc. I will slide one of the draws out of your hive, looking for the queen. I'll do whatever I can. I'll slide the second draw out, looking for the queen.
You bee shits. And then I'll slide the third draw out, looking for the queen. And then I'll slide the fourth draw out, looking for the queen. So he shrinks his daughter down into a bee.
Like just to test this technology and sort of, it's sort of funny. I shrunk the thing down. I think it's very, yeah. I think it's going to be an accident.
I think the door I want, like, there's only one shot in this thing. Yeah. Right. It's this thing that Jason Statham has worked on for ages.
And there's only one shot in it. Yeah. Right. And she's like messing about with it, gets turned into a bee.
And then, and then she knows that if she even if she gets turned back, Yeah. Right. Like he won't have got any of the information he needs. Yes.
You know, he shrinks himself down and goes after, goes after his door. Oh, wait. Then we'll learn the one shot thing. I thought it would be her trying to like find out the bee's secret.
Right. He is bumbling around. Okay. He's doing the Rick Moranis.
He's holding the bees while he becomes the existential threat. Right. Whilst, um, Maisie Williams is, is like trying to be up in the, in society. Gotcha.
You know, gotcha. He's like, you've taken my daughter. Ah, yeah. You know, like he's, he's basically threatened to destroy the hive.
While she's just trying to get all the information. I love that, that twist on that, uh, that trope is in like Jason's, it's, it's all Jason Statham's fault. Yeah. And yet somehow the bees are to blame.
He's just, we frame it like that. Those bees are fucking dickheads. And then by the end of the movie, you're like, wait, what did the bees do wrong? You know what I mean?
Yeah. Yeah. Well, this, that's why we have Maisie Williams as the main character. Yes.
Not Jason Statham. Right. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a flipped commentary on those. He's a thesis because Maisie Williams is actually trying to find the information that, that he wanted in the first place.
Yeah. Because he's so blinded by the fact that, um, uh, that she's gone. He's threatening to gas the whole hive. No.
Yeah. Yeah. But somehow he looks to like the hero. Yeah.
We've got to do that somehow. Who knows? Because he won't play. He won't, he won't be in it if we don't.
Oh yeah. Exactly. It's, uh, we'll, we'll tell him he's going to be the villain. He's like, oh, can't be the hero.
Sure. Why not? Yeah. That's how that conversation goes.
Yeah. Big hug at the end. There you go. Big hug at the end.
From who? Maisie Williams. Oh, Maisie Williams. Right.
Of course, of course. You, you, you, the other character in this movie. Yeah. You've proved, you've proved to your family that you're not a, not a useless slab of meat.
Yes. Yeah. That's it. That's it.
So from Stuart, don't we've got his name is Gary Oldman. His name is Gary Oldman. Yeah. Okay.
So the, the meme Gary Oldman is. Wait, the meme? Yeah. So the meme is that Gary Oldman can literally play anyone.
Like, like there's a whole thing of like, one day you'll wake up and you'll realize that Gary Oldman, you're a character that Gary Oldman was performing. Okay. It's all time. Okay.
Okay. That kind of thing. Yeah. And he does, he, he is like a chameleon.
He, he, boy plays, uh, what's it? Um, Jim Gordon in the Batman movies, but he's also the, uh, the villain from, uh, the Fifth Element. Sure. Yeah.
You have dreadlocks in that? No. No, he's got a weird like side two pay thing. Yes.
Yeah. Yeah. And then I think it's in true romance. He's got dreadlocks and it's weird.
But like, yeah, he can play and he played like very old man. The guy from Leon as well. Yes. Um, yeah.
The bad guy from Leon. The, the, um, everyone. Yeah. Yeah.
He's that guy. Yeah. Yes. No, that's better than, that's better than, but then what I had, I was like, it's one of those movies where they take a fish out of water, essentially.
We put Gary Oldman. I mean, it's in British, but in British vice. Well, no, we just send him out on a mission and he just gets the job done, essentially. But like people recognize him and shit.
It's a bit like, uh, that film with Nicholas Cajun. The, uh, that was probably the importance of being honest. But that's not right. The woman's kind of, weighted mass of time.
There we go. Yeah. It sounds like an Oscar wild. It's an Oscar wild biopic.
Um, but there's a rumor going around that, that it amongst my, my six. My six is being infiltrated by Hollywood. Gary Oldman's going around getting, getting, getting, spy day doing, he's doing research for a role. Yes.
No, he's in the end. It turns out he was just doing research for a role, but he's like, we've got, we've got someone here accessing files and we don't know who it is. And then in every scene, Gary Oldman's there and they're just not noticing him. He's just like standing against a wall.
Yeah. Like in that, in toys. You know, that was the army guy in toys with the camouflage. Fucking hell.
That's a reference. Robin Williams's toys. Yeah. Jesus.
I remember that movie quite vividly. Yeah. Yeah. Me too.
Weird. So where were we? Yes. Gary Oldman is trying to, basically, his research for a role for a film.
He's playing an M.I. Six Spy in a movie. Yeah. And he's just basically just gone in causing havoc.
Yeah. Cause he's just like, files like, looking like he's busy. Yeah. Because he's looking like he's busy.
He's overwriting all the files on like a very important. Well, he's been able to access it because he's acting is so good that he knows the details. Like he's just, in his mind, he's just method acting. Like the method is just taking over and like it's, it's the dangers of method acting is what this is a commentary on.
Yeah. It's like on one hand, you've got Jarrod Lee Oh, sending used condoms to members to other cast members. And on this side, you've got Gary Oldman calling for the limited foot for the assassination of a world leader. Yeah.
Exactly. And succeeding. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. He makes the, he makes the call. He makes the order.
Yeah. I think at the end, they should shoot Jarrod Lee Oh. Yeah. It was all, it wasn't actually method acting.
Gary Oldman just wanted Jarrod Lee to dead. This is weird. Such a prick. Yeah.
This is weird cat and mouse game. They're playing in the barrel. So that's not even the main plot. Right.
That's just going off in the background. While we're focused on the sort of pencil pushes at MI6, trying to figure out who this guy is who's gaining access to the thing. And then I just love to see where one person goes. Maybe it's Gary Oldman.
And they're like, what? It was like, it makes sense. Like if you look at all the pieces. Yeah.
And he's like left trails, like one relating to the fifth element. Like one is a line for it. He says from the fifth element, the other from Leon, the other from Batman. And it's like, God, these are all Gary Oldman movies.
Well, there's a couple more that are Jarrod Leto. Yeah. Yeah. There's like a few more.
Well, Jarrod Leto is like, like, uh, but Jarrod Leto is all still going. I don't care. He pronounced it. He's going to be, uh, he's studying to become president.
Yeah. So he has somehow become president. Oh, yeah. He's won the election.
He's won the election. And that, this is all just the party. And Jarrod Leto knew that was coming. Yeah.
He was in a meeting. Yes. Like, no, he was right. It's all, there's the Flash, the classic spy movie Flashback.
Someone catch me if you can, like, you know, almost heist movie, Esque. Like, this is how we set it up. Yeah. Gary Oldman talks about the fact that he was in one of those, those Hollywood restaurants having a meeting with his agent.
Yeah. And across the table is Jarrod Leto not being subtle about the fact that several Republican, like, members of Congress, have sat table. We've been entertaining the thing. We've been doing Democrat.
Um, several Republican members of Congress have sat him down and done, like, a secret primary. Hey, he kind of looks like white Jesus. This is it. He would fucking run him on that platform.
And somehow he's become president. It'd be so funny if this came true. And nobody saw it coming. Yeah.
Not even Jarrod Leto. Nobody saw it apart from Jarrod Leto. So I'm coming and then, but apart from Gary Oldman, who was nearby in that thing, they were like, oh, yeah, we're going to ring the votes. We're going to blah, blah, blah, blah.
But this is how we do it. Oh, and nobody's going to question it because you're Jarrod Leto. You end up inexplicably in movies all the time. I can't nobody knows why you win.
He keeps on getting the roles. So why should it be weird that you won the election? Nobody all questioned it. Nobody all questioned it.
It's like, you know, in a superhero movie where like, the superhero has this power and then the villain has like, the opposite power, but it's sort of like, but he's using all the same h-power. But you get wrong, Lee. Like Jarrod Leto has the same power as Gary Oldman for like fitting into the situation. Yeah.
But he uses it evenly. Yeah. The method, the method is the superpower. Yeah, but it's not the actual method.
Yeah. It's not method acting. That's the problem. It's the people who use it.
And Gary Oldman is using it for his like, for the benefit of the world. Yeah. It influencing all these spies. Great power.
In order to get into orchestral- It's so fantastic. Yeah, yeah. But I think it's done. So I don't think he gets shot.
Right. I think it is like a series of events orchestrated, including bananas that he slips off. And which he accidentally chokes to death on a condom that he posted to himself. Yes.
Yeah, yeah. Whilst looking on a banana. Yeah. That's how he dies during a press conference.
In a scare quote accident. Yes. Yeah. And like the whole like spy team and just sort of looking over the body of Jarrod Leto just like, oh my god, yeah, we did it.
We killed the guy who was involved. And then over there, Shulper is just Gary Oldman's like, looks like my work here is done. Gets a cigarette out, walks over into the sunset. And they're like, that was Gary fucking Oldman.
Why does he say his work is done? We did this. We did this. Wait, maybe my theory was true.
And then they go back to the red pinball. Yeah. And it's like somehow there's a picture of Gary Oldman that'd been looking at the entire time, which is not seen. It's made of red string.
Yeah. Look, he's doing that on the pinball. There is an effigy of Gary Oldman's face. Oh my god, it's that big.
It's the big. It's like they can't see for the wood for the Gary Oldman. Yeah. It's abstract.
Portrait of Gary Oldman. Oh, wow. What a movie. What a fucking ending.
His name is Gary Oldman. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, great movie.
Thank you for that, Stuart. So from James Cannon, we've got a double agent that says what? Well, the limit. Uh, the limit is what?
Yeah. OK. One word. Obviously.
That's really good. Yeah. OK. So you only say that.
Yeah. When you're trying to catch someone out, we're not like trying to catch someone out like, like, like, you know that they are. Yeah. A double agent.
It's like you're trying to make them look like a double agent. Yeah. So like, I have this image of like, you know, bond or like, you know, not bond, but like, a spy. Yeah.
Whoever it is. Um, do you know, in my head, for some reason, this person is immediately played by Will Ferrell. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
You know, he's like, this is like, Austin Powers style, like, you know, comedy spy. Sort of, S and L alum adjacent sort of. I think, uh, Will Ferrell, just Steve Carell. Yeah.
I think Steve Carell actually did like a spy movie like this. Yes. Get smart. I think he did, which is a thing that years ago.
Yeah. But yeah, come in Tina Fey. So it's kind of got that like vibe, but it's not like Austin Powers where it's like, this is a really famous guy. It's like, it's like, um, you know, someone who's just like, you know, he's probably, applied for a job like the evil corporation with like a load of good, like marketing credentials.
And he sat at the big, long boardroom table trying to get it. It's not like he's trying to like, he's trying to like, he's trying to worm his way into like the evil, the evil villains, like good graces by revealing the actual second in commands. Yeah. Like, you know, making the evil villain sink that the actual second in commands are double agents by tricking them in like that, like sabotaging, like going into their handbag and then planting the most obvious weapon that says along the top of it.
I'm going to shoot Mr. Evil Man. You know, I'm going to shoot Drederick Norgals. Can we add so as a kind of B plot?
Yeah. Because I think we do have the Will Ferrell working for the sort of evil villain. He's got a job at Villain Incorporated. Yes.
Yeah. Yeah. That's that's the name of the company of the Shell company. This guy's operating under, um, and Steve Carell, who's bald, uh, got a bald patch, um, kind of dressed like Jason Alexander, kind of looks like Jason Alexander from Seinfeld, but Steve Carell.
Yeah. Yeah. Um, it's so hard, isn't to stay away from Austin Powers, the territory. Yeah.
No. It is really difficult. To do a spy comedy without, yeah. Yeah.
I think it'd be different with Will Ferrell and Steve. I think so. Because yeah, they are. These aren't like, these aren't actually like big silly characters.
Yeah. So as much as they are like, these are kind of sort of halfway there. Yeah. They're big silly actors.
Yeah. Not big silly characters. Yes, exactly. And I think sort of, uh, was it a Will Ferrell in the one where someone's constantly narrating his life.
Oh, um, uh, lost note and a lost translation. No. It's called Stranger than Fiction. Stranger than Fiction.
Yes. Yeah. He's kind of doing that kind of semi-serious, but still quite silly. Yeah.
Bit. And I think we have a B plot where people are trying from a spy agency to recruit him to do some spy work while someone at the villain agency is, knows that that's happening. Yeah. And trying to recruit him to spy on them.
Yeah. So he's like, he's confused as fuck. It's really real corporate, they're corporate headhunting stuff. Yeah.
But he's so, he's so completely clueless as to what's going on. Yeah. That he doesn't know what he's doing. He doesn't know who's job, what job is with.
Yeah. And then I think, uh, he gets really help about not being fired from either of them. Because the benefits are good. Yeah.
But on the good spy side, there's someone going around in internal affairs because someone is spying on them. Yeah. And they don't know who it is, but it's Will Fett as well. So that guy, who is, there's a there's a mole in there's a mole.
There's a, like a, what are they, like, what, let's call the spy organization something that the good side, spy organization. What are they going to be called? The, um, the national intelligence boys. Oh, it's nib nib nib.
Yeah. They got a pen is there. It's like a national intelligence people. National intelligence people.
Nip. Nip. Then nip. Yeah.
Yeah. Cause it's, it's, it's work. It's kind of, uh, it's kind of a bit raunchy as well. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. National intelligence people. Yeah.
Here, here at Nip. Yeah. Yeah. It's got like a, it's, it's got a whole thing of like, stand to attention, nips.
We could play around with that. Yeah. And it's like, and it's like, um, and it's like, um, there's a kind of Charles angels bit that we do. Where like, there's a really, uh, like, sexy lady.
Yeah. Who is the main, who is M? Yeah. You know, like, like, is the, is the, like, the main director of this of Nip.
There's a real sexy lady. A sexy lady. And, um, uh, who's the director of Nip. And like, there's a whole thing of like, oh, we've really made a slip, agents.
And, uh, all this sort of shit, right? And then it's revealed part way through, because of the feral being a double agent. Yeah. That actually it's got a whole Wizard of Oz thing.
Mm. Sexy lady isn't a real person. It's actually, um, other cameo, Matt Damon. He sat behind a, uh, sat behind a console.
He's got a ball patch as well. He's got little, uh, levers and, and Joyce sticks. He's using to control the sexy lady. You were doing the, the, the levers and Joyce's motion.
I was like, wait, he's in the head of the sexy lady. He's made the sexy lady robot. He's behind a screen. He's behind a screen.
Okay. Right. And then, right. He's controlling the sexy lady.
He's got an Xbox three. No, no, no. He's got to be Joyce. He's got to be Joyce.
He's got to be Joyce. He's got to be Joyce. Okay. And then, and then, and then at the end, through another twist, we find out that behind Matt Damon's face is a cockpit.
And there's a tiny sexy lady piloting Matt Damon. We are way off from the, from the weird sort of double agent. Like, like, yeah, it's, it's the Spiderman three of like, spy clocks, right? I just, I just think too many spy planes going off.
Because here's the thing. I love it. The reason that the reason that Will Ferrell like thinks he's going to turn and work, start working for them for villainy. Yeah.
It's because Steve Carell gets to it. He said, there's something you don't know about sexy lady. He gives you, gives you all your missions. Right.
And it's like, oh, wait. Yeah. I haven't been, I, there is an area on the blueprint that is behind the, of the office. What's going on there?
They're not telling us everything. And then he breaks down that and it's just Matt Damon. And he's like, I found us. He flies off the handle.
He goes and works with villain Inc. And then, and then. He reminds us of sexy lady. It's actually a sexy lady in his head.
Yeah. Yeah. Sexy lady who she played by. Oh, who's, um, the devil in them.
Oh, it's early. Yeah. Yeah. And she says, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry Will Ferrell. We just couldn't tell you about the fact that I'm a tiny sexy lady. We had to lead off Steve Carell's character with false information.
But there's also another spy in the, in the villain Inc. That is also giving information to the thing. To get back to the plot. Yeah.
He's like, there is a mole, a, a, a nip mole in villain Inc. And there's also a villain mole in Nip as well. And they're all trying to get each, like, no one is getting any work done. Yeah, because they're all just trying to get each other.
Yeah. Like, there's a, there is a nip mole in, um, stay with me. There's a nip mole in villain Inc. Yeah.