Farm

Oh, you big puns and little puns. Welcome to another episode of Jesse Wilder's Guide to Life. I'm Jesse, that's Wilder. And it's gonna be a silly one, I think.

Yeah, you wanna tell him what's the word right now? What the good word is? We took our legs and we took a great big leap into the century that we're in. McGrath has been begging me for decades to, people wanna see our faces.

I don't know how that's possible, but I was basically just using a pile of sticks and some envelopes as my laptop for the last seven years. And now I have a new one, I can handle it, baby. Put some more weights on the barbell. I'm ready to fucking rock.

About time, dude. Hell yeah, we're gonna see, I mean, it's gross looking at him. I should say first, I regret this a little bit. A little bit more of me, even.

Yeah, now I have full nips. What's cool is they can't see you, so I can just tell him, you know, he's shirtless, he's got sort of tassels on his bare nipples. Yeah, I'm saying exactly the truth. This is great, this is actually what we'll get in my mom to stop listening.

Oh man. So maybe this will make it to social. It probably won't because it'll, because it never does. I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna say some funny stuff tonight.

Oh shit, he brought the funny ones. Damn. Damn, you know what else I brought? A dictionary, for that was the answer to the riddle.

Okay, great. Obviously I forgot the riddle. Do you don't need to repeat it? In fact, you shouldn't.

Shout out to Jonathan Amadeus Bananas, who sent me the answer to the riddle, the day of the episode came out. He texted it to you or what? He said dictionary, bitch. Wow.

And I was on vacation and did not see that until much later. And I was under the influence of eight trillion gin and tonics when I read it. So I did not understand what Jonathan Amadeus Bananas was talking about. Did you figure it out on your own or did you ask him like a clown?

And then he had to speak to you. In the morning when I came back around to review it, I saw you had answered the riddle correctly. Very good, Johnny. Pat, a big pat on the head for you.

Yeah. We can't set the precedent that answering it will get you a shout out because. And look, I believe you, Johnny. I believe you this time.

Yeah, right, exactly. Everyone can take I didn't write these. Spoiler alert. Anyone can take a Google to it.

So I do want to shout out somebody suggested because we were at an impasse between riddles and prayer that you should do riddles about sort of prayer and Psalms and hymns. Good. I'm glad that I did this two times in a row. Now I want to think I'm capable of cranking it up a notch.

Let's make it more advanced. Yeah, step it. Go ahead and step it up. These people are begging for whatever.

What the hell was it that I if you don't got the crunch, don't eat the mud. No, don't even say it. You can't say it. Where did that start?

I'm not going to say it. OK, if you insist today we're talking about farming. Farming? Farms.

It has to be farming, right? I guess it's all just farm, dude. OK, my experience on farm. I have a lot of experience farming.

Sure. If you include Stardew Valley, which you should, I inherited that farm from my dead grandfather, Farron Square. That's crazy. I also inherited a farm from my dead grandfather in Stardew Valley.

Do you ever go to a farm on a field trip as a child and say, this is lowering aquarium, please? I don't get kids that were hyped on farms. Like huge virgins. I'm hyped on them now.

Cars are urgent now, still. You fan. I was one of the kids that was like getting me to the skating rink. Well, I think when you're a kid, especially when you're a boy, you get to pick between farm plus tractors.

I feel like those two go together. Trains? You could have been a train kid. Were you a tractor boy?

You playing with your tractors? Yeah, I was a tractor boy until I had a procedure where they had to undo that. Physical deformity. Had big gigantic wheels instead of legs.

No, I wasn't a tractor boy. Did you? My alleged brother, Jack the Guy Shaw, was a big construction. Bob the Builder's Arab, bro.

Sure. Bob Ram that town. I didn't. I liked farm as a boy, though.

I had little toy nanominals and little toy tractors. But most of the animals and the fences do those hyped on the fences. The fences? I never heard something we're boring in my life.

What are you doing? But now farm is cool. Farm is like trendy. But it sounds like you like farm now and you liked farm then because you liked fences.

So you didn't want to go to a farm, dude. Huge verge. OK. I don't want to go to like a garden.

Garden better than farm. Garden better than farm. Hate to tell you. It's so boring.

Always has been. You can't beat it. Farm is up, dude. I mean, there's a garden in the farm.

I think garden is sometimes inside farm. Nah. I don't think so. I think if you're growing stuff on farm, it's your farm stuff.

You don't get to have both. So I have a I want to start with a category. If fucking guys, it sucks looking at each other. It's it's it's so distracting.

Yes, it is. I've never seen your room before. Oh, yeah. You never even seen this house.

I have much better lighting than Wilder. People don't even know that we're not even in the same room. Yeah, they probably have a guess. They think that we sit and just look at each other.

Yeah. Fucking knows to know one foot. That's kind of painful. Yeah, we share one microphone in between us.

I think animals is a good place to start with farm. Can I tell you a huge one, dude? Chickens and roosters. Oh.

So I hate birds, as you know. OK. I hate birds. Fuck them all, except for a few, obviously.

Penguin is my favorite animal doesn't count. I thought I mostly agree. Fuck chickens and roosters for sure can go straight to hell. Fucking narks of the century do.

And what do they even do? They don't even do anything. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Every fucking morning, stop it.

So boring. But chickens are sometimes all right. Give me a four example. Because they stink to hide.

A little chick is very cute. Little chick. Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty good.

There he is. And also, one time I met this black chicken at a friend of the enemy and friend of the guides, Justin Bolas is wedding, who's just wandering through the house. Her name was Marsha. Marsha was I.

I didn't mind Marsha for some reason. No, no. It's freaked out if there's a chicken in the house. But like Marsha was I.

We got an under. He was in the house? Yeah, bro. We just walked through the kitchen.

Marshall was just walking around all over there. Chicken in the house feels so strongly like a note to me. And seems like a guarantee on a farm. What do you get farmed in general?

The two. It's a wise of two. I guess it's a two because it provides me yummy treats. But like.

Yummy treats. And then there's all kinds of all for all the nasty critters. There's cute critters. OK.

Tell me a cute critter. So I'm going to put rooster one. And I'll give chicken two because it gives me egg. Yeah, because egg, dude.

What's it give me a cute critter that you like? A bunch of them. Dude, all the furry ones. Dotes.

Little barnyard kitten. How about like a little like the farmer's dog, dude? Some type of collie, a beautiful shepherd or something? It has to be a beautiful for that requirement.

What about a pig, dude? A two or one? Yeah, a little hot medic. I love him.

OK. I'm going to give it a two. I can't beat. Two.

I mean, like, OK. Like what about like a domesticated one? No. This is what I this is what I think about farm animals in general.

I think big farm, not big farm. Not to be mistaken for big farm. Big farm puts these ideas in our head with toys and cartoons and babe. And it's like, look at all these animals.

They're so cute. They're friends. The animals are not that cute. And they fucking stink, bro.

It's so stinky. But in our farm, the animals don't die. What about when you take them to turn them to bacon? What?

We don't turn them to bacon. We get, how about this? Me and you, this is the dream. Me and you live on separate farms next door to each other.

Night, they're already an iron. And then we take each other's critters. So we don't have to feel bad. We get to keep ours.

And then I'll eat your pig. And then you can eat my cow. I'll only agree to it if we have to finish life, baby. We have to take each other's critters in secret.

So if I want bacon, I have to sort of design a heist to steal your pig. Yeah, dude. I think this is basically what Yellowstone is about. I think so, too.

I have not seen that. I saw the first couple episodes during COVID. And it was too boring even for COVID. Man, the show, it really blew up.

The show is nuts boring. And like, how many, so spoilers for Yellowstone? I haven't seen most of it. I just watched it in the background.

What else I was watching it? A lot of people get shot in that show. How many people could feasibly, it seems like everyone in that county's been shot. Because every episode, at least one or two people get shot.

Someone's dying. One or two are like 400 people that live in those city limits. Like how? You kill off a huge portion of the population.

I know. Is it Kevin Costner sucks? Does he suck for a good reason or do you just hate him? I don't really have anything against Kevin Costner.

He's fine. He's very, pretty good for farm. I'm going to put Kevin Costner in. Farmer is a category.

I think farmer is a category. Sure. You know about that. And there's a new dating show.

Farmer wants a wife. Is that new? I don't know. I don't think for the first time.

Yeah. Is it any good? No, I saw a trailer for it. I think dating farmer is a one.

You're in it for the wrong reasons, pal. I'll tell you another thing that's a one to me. Sometimes on these California highways, maybe they have them in other places too. I don't know.

You'll see fruit stands. They'll be like a couple of them, almost like a little farmers market. Maybe there's a couple of farmers there. Let's say you come up on two farmers.

They've got the identical looking produce, identical prices, all the same stuff. Signage is comparable. Yeah. Only difference is one of the farmers is hot and one of them is kind of an ago.

I think I want my produce from an ago. Do you agree with that? Yeah, I guess. I just think a hot farmer, it's like, OK, you already got one thing going.

Yeah. It's the same thing. Think about if a fisherman got off the boat. And if that dude's ugly as fuck, I'm like, that fish is going to go crazy.

That fish is going to slam so hard. But if he's like a clunky, whip back his wet hair, I'm like, no way. You're in it. You're in it.

You're pea-cocking. What about Charlotte's web? Yeah. I mean, what are you saying?

What do you want to put it? I don't know what that is. What? I mean, what about it?

What is it? Again, if there's a spider, she's the she's Charlotte. Is it a titular Charlotte? Yep.

Is that big? Is that big? I don't know, dude. You brought it up?

Thought maybe you'd know about Charlotte's web. I just don't know where to put that. I mean, fake farm. I guess our whole basis is fake farms.

So I can't shoot you down too much. How about food? Consumables. I love it all, frankly.

Grow all the veggies. Every last one of them. You're just a sick fucking garden, like a produce garden. Yeah, that's tight.

OK. Here's what I'll say. I think trees. So like having an orchard?

That's a thing to me. Because it's beautiful. And then there's kind of like, yeah, that's to me. That's a good one.

Trees, orchard. I got a two, maybe a one. Dude, corn? You got that spooky corn, dude.

I love corn. But you are destined to be murdered. Right? It's like if but when.

And like at best, a teenager drives a pickup truck through it and fucks it all up. Oh my god. Or some aliens landed in a dude. You are asking for it.

Yeah, corms are going to be very, pretty good. Because I love corms. I love talking with barbecue. So good.

But like, you're creating a scary little trap for yourself. Tooth, boogie for me. Yeah, what about like, I guess every veggie, dude. I don't even like okra, but like fucking throw it.

To me, let us is in mince and basil. I want, oh, you never watch the food show when someone goes to their fucking supplier. And the guys are like, other than working on this green. And they're like, oh, watch this.

Particularly when people want it to be that guy. Yeah, yeah. Bonus point in the lab, dude. Yeah, dude.

You come out and you're like, oh yeah, I got this new jack. You never had a fucking apple like this, brother. Take a chomp out of it, baby. Hell yeah.

Fucking, ooh. Science farmer is a three. I don't know. They get too powerful, dude.

All veggies, I think I'm going to put a two. Because I don't want to sit here and list every vegetable that would be insane. Fine, but like fine. Because I'm thinking not just like, do I like the veggie?

Right? Like, okra, sure. We don't like it, whatever. I'm thinking a couple of things.

Number one, aesthetically, I think, like, trees, inarguably cooler than, like, little fucking lettuce heads. Yeah, but like, oh my god, picking them from the trees, dude. Ooh. You like apple picking all the time?

That's the sick part. You get the fucking the little claw, you know, that you reach up and you're kind of scooping about that little cross stick. I don't want to go apple picking. That sounds, I don't want to do it in regular.

You want to fucking bend over and pluck collied flour out of the damn soil. That sounds so much worse. Well, I don't want to do, oh, very quite lit, servants. Oh, no!

Employees, we call them today. Yeah, yeah, man. Yeah, but I prefer to be servants. Oh, no.

Where do we even put that? I guess, like, that needs its own category. We need another category. The farmhouse is a category, bro.

Yeah, that's tough. Ranch houses are spooky because they go on forever. You don't know what's going on on the other side of that house. But I do think it's a two because I think they're sick.

Yeah, they're cool as well. I think, like, livestock to me sounds like a one. It's like, very sad. Like, it stinks to high shit.

Like, it's, I just want it to be a petting zoo, dude. Yeah, I could tell, which is not actually even in name of farm. It is fully a zoo. What about a sheep?

Is that, does it count as farming? If you're like a wool, are you a wool farmer? No, that's a good one. I like a sheep and a lamb.

I don't know if those are two because there's still things. And they hang around. Then we barely even eat them. Farmhouse, dude.

I'll tell you what I need in my farmhouse. I need a big old screen door, dude. They want big fuckers. It's slam shut.

I'll fix it someday. And I need a lemonade porch. Lemonade. You are turning it into plantation a little too quick here.

I'm not turning into a dang plantation. We're still making corn making. I want a lemonade porch. I'll make it myself.

I want like one porch that's for lemonade, one porch that's for cigar and whiskey, one porch that's for puppet shows. There's a porch on every side of the house. There's four porches. Still counts as just one porch.

They're connected, I assume. Yes. Sometimes. Well, what it is is there's a secret, like, in clue on from one side of the house, there's like a secret passageway to the other porch.

I like my, I like a big full house porch on the bottom floor. But then my primary bedroom where I lay my head, it's got its own little deck. A two story? Yeah, yeah, yeah, two story.

Two story farmhouse. Yeah, they have them. I think like a barn. That way you can see.

I want to see a barn, dude. Barn, dude. Sick. Barn.

So maybe instead of farmhouse, dude, buildings. Mm-hmm. Hell yeah. Barn, it's a three.

They're always kind of run down. You ever seen a new barn? I don't think they exist. They're all kind of old.

I want a big spooky silo in that thing too. Got to have a silo. It is a two just because it feels like only bad stuff happens in the old silo. I went to a wedding that was in a barn.

I don't know. The bathrooms were in silos. Was that cool or scary? It was super scary.

Yeah, it doesn't say. It's out. It's no good to me. I thought that Jeepers Creekers was going to come plummeting in through the ceiling and slash me to death.

He got someone that night. This wasn't you, luckily. I guess you do need a big, you need a big old fucking tractor, huh? Big tractors of three.

I got to have like a lot of vehicles. Yeah. Oh my god. Yeah.

Big tractor is a three. Dude, you know what I want? Desperately, one of the side-by-sides. Like those, eh?

So I by side, it's almost like when you see those like all terrain, like basically golf carts. It's like a four-wheel vehicle. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I need it for what?

I have circular perimeter. And a track, I need it for racing them. Yeah, if you have all that prop, you've got to do, you've got to do like a dirt bike track or a paintball course, something cool. Brewery on site.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess that's it. I want to like use, oh, here's what I want. Fucking listen up, boy.

I want all my, it's going to be Stardew Valley. All the berries I'm growing, I got a separate place to make that into jam. And then I'm taking this jam and I'm sticking a little label with my face on it. Ugly, got it.

Farmer Waboos, Secret Jam. You all know Secret Jam. What the listeners don't know is I'm dressed like a cowboy. Well, I already told him I were dressed shirtless with pasties.

But yeah, that's true. He does have a little hat on. He's doing a little cosplay. He looks not like a farmer.

He looks like a boy who's about to have his eighth birthday party and it's fucking cowboy things. I look like someone who would have been a correspondent on like a new show during COVID. Oh, man. What are we talking about?

OK, so you brought something up that I think is excellent. Brewery slash, of course I did. Winery, like a vineyard. Those are both very quite late.

And when you put it at the top of a mountain for me, please? I feel like they have to, right? Seems like they got to have that hilly. Oh, and the farm is by water.

Can you? Is that? Do they do that? They got water farms?

Yeah. OK. I got fishies too. I got all kinds of stuff in my farm.

Oysties, clums. Oh, you're farming that too. Oh, bro. I don't want to grow garlic on my farm, please.

Too stinky. Too smelly. I feel like it would kill you for, I mean, you some civil gear of ampere. But I would kill you for the smell like you would never want to have garlic again.

No, I and I mean, you drank their Gilroy. You're not even on the farm. And you could smell that shit. I'm living here.

Good grief. You think you just always smell like garlic? For sure. For sure.

Like your skin smells like garlic? That's just how you live your life, unfortunately. Ooh. Like, do not like that.

I want to make all kinds of fixins, bro. I want to make peanuts butter. I want to make champagne. I agree.

I agree. Make the, what do you call it? I guess, fixins. I don't know.

You want to turn your berries into jam? Yeah. I just want to pull you from Stardew Valley at this point. Right.

You want to sort of process your goods in a way. You want to make jerky. And you want to. I want to just constant motion, influx of products, baby.

Yeah. You're milking the goat to make the cheese, selling the cheese, to buy your whatever else, to do the other thing. And then you're in the mines. And you're slaying little ooze creatures.

And you're collecting your boots of plus one defense. Yeah. Are those the only animals? What about like ducks and stuff?

I like a duck. Ducks are on farms? What not? They're on.

I'll give them a two, dude. I can't give a duck. I can't give a bird a three, unfortunately. It's not happening.

Duck is, I don't have a problem with a nice mallard. You like a mallard? Because it's like looking in a mirror for you. Well, that's true.

I just don't need them. What do they do for me? And ducks get those weird things. Oh, no lizards.

Don't like lizards. Don't like bugs and lizards. And that seems like a guarantee with a farm. Yeah, I suppose so.

Bugs obviously isn't, though. When it would be creepy, crawlies are out, dude. Yeah, creepy crawlies. But hold on.

No, I got one fucking big ol' Komodo dragon that guards the entrance and freaks the hell out of people when they try to cross it on my property, when they're there to steal my fucking livestock or whatever. And they open the gate quietly, and they creep on to my property. And then whatever it does. Shoot Komodo dragons.

Are they attack? Don't know, but they're huge, right? Yeah, they're big. I gotta look this up to Komodo dragons.

Don't they shoot lightning out of their mouths or something? Occasionally they attack and buy humans. Sometimes they consume human corpses, digging up bodies from shallow graves. Excuse?

Oh, no. Oh my god, they're so ew. Oh, shit. They're so scary.

Bro, digging up. Oh my god, you're just picking up quite a... Holy shit. They're like dinosaurs.

Golly. They're so big. I got two of them crab and goil. I name them.

And they sit in front of the fucking gate. And they guard from the tree. Security. Imagine the amount of shit that would come out of your butthole if you walked up to a farm house and there were two fucking Komodo dragons there.

Yeah, it's like since we've already agreed to do this thing where we're stealing each other's livestock. That's really gonna... But we've learned the tricks. You already know that if you play a certain song on the flute, they fall asleep.

It's just like a legend of Zelda puzzle, what you've devised here. What do you have guarding your farm? I mean, unfortunately, farmer with gun is a one, right? I feel like that's a trope.

They always got that double barrel shocking on them. But, no, no, no. It's above the fireplace because that is tight. What about steers and bowls?

What are they doing for me? What do they do? I don't know what they're for. I just think we're mating.

Same thing as a rooster dude. Guess what? No boys allowed on my farm. I don't need any horny ass bulls.

I don't need any fucking roosters. It's ladies night at my farm every night. You know what I'm saying? Bro, that seems like you're asking for trouble.

Every animal on your farm is in heat at the same time. Yeah, but there doesn't actually be like that. There's a lot of a horror movie. You gotta get some boys on the farm.

Me? I'm the boy? The Mallards, dude. This is what the Mallards are for.

No, dude. I don't need any boy Mallards with their little corkscrew wieners. You know about that? They got a wiener like a frickin'.

Thought that was cat. That's cat and duck. Oh no. No, cats have barbed penises.

That's what I'm thinking. Oh, this is what I'm talking about. Ladies night, bro. Welcome to the farm.

It's hell on earth. Check out these dicks. So for workforce, the upgraded sprinkler. I think the Adam Antium shovel.

No. Mule, I think is a two, right? No, a three. Bro, I love them.

They're so cute and fuzzy. I love a burrow. Tried and shrew. Mule.

Yeah, oh horses, dude. You know they're not on my farm. I know. It's yeah.

It's just going for a sec. It is powerful to be on a... I'm saying. Not that I would love to approach and get on one.

I have. Believe it or not out there. I've ridden horses. Not well.

But it's powerful to be on a horse. I show up. Those fucking Komodo dragons are there. And then out from the mist, I come out on my fucking steed.

That's exactly as I am right now. Whew. So animals, I will concede a horse is a two for that reason. However, can't we do better?

I mean, horse is so played out. Brother, get me a camel. I will ride a camel up to the front. And you won't know what to do.

Sure. Are we going with animals that you actually can ride or we go? Well, I know you're going to say dragon again. I need you to like...

Not going to say dragon, but like, I don't know. We got a sandworm pit. No, see. Think about it.

Got fucking do it on the brain. Try halloo dude. Then what about like what do people ride? A polo bear?

Hello. A bear is sick. A bear is obviously a three. Oh dude.

You know what else I got? Shark Tank. Stingray Tank. Jellyfish Tank.

They don't belong there dude. You can't. Under the floor. So when people come in and they're going to say, come talk to me.

And they say we're not happy about the Komodo dragon. They say come a little closer. And they step onto the spot and I go, jim jing right into the jellyfish tank. So first of all, this is directly a Dr.

Evil fantasy you've got going. Except with jellyfish. It feels like anytime we're trying to design something, your priority is to make traps. And I just got to know...

Yes dude. Hotel you talked about traps. What traps? I talked about in hotel.

I don't know man. I feel like it was like a home alone type thing. Nice. I feel like you were talking about...

You just got to have traps dude. What's your problem with traps? It's just like, why do I need traps if I'm in a farmhouse? Because of intruders.

And I already have guard dragons. So you're riding a camel. That's tight. Or giraffe.

If a giraffe could swing me, I would do a giraffe. I think there are things on their heads called ossicones. That's cool dude. You think I got that right?

The little Shrek ears they got? Fucking nailed it dude. Ossicones. So I do.

That's a new segment called Cool Animal Effects with Waboo. Yeah. Blair. Get at us.

Was I right or was I right? I mean you Googled it so you already know it's right. Blair who texted me on my birthday. Wow.

Just my birthday. Yeah for sure she also texted me. Did you text her on her birthday? Nope.

Piece of shit. You got more buildings for me without a big windmill. Windmill seems like a one dude. It's like I don't.

You could ride it up to the top. You think about Zelda again bro. I always am. What about a well dude?

Oh yes. But it's like love a well. Do you think it's scary in there it must be right? And like the Ringo girl is crawling out of there.

I don't know man. Well feels kind of like Courtfield. Like you're asking for it a little bit. It's a very pretty good.

I do want to. I want to push someone in it. Well I got a one structure for you dude. A lot of times I feel like a farm.

They don't have suite. So they have to have a septic tank. That is a one. My farm is on the same plumbing system that a regular house is.

It's all good. That's what sucks when you do a weekend away and rent a big farm house with people or whatever. And then you're surprised. Don't flush any toilet paper.