How to Stop Living Someone Else's Life (with Arnold Beekes)

Someone asks you a simple question, "What do you want?" and your brain just stops. Not stalls. Stops. That's what happened to coach Arnold Beekes in his first coaching session, in his 40s, after decades running technology and organizational leadership teams. Nobody had ever asked him that before. Not once. Arnold grew up with a father whose will "was the law," spent 20 years in tech and organizational leadership and another 20 in psychology and personal leadership, and now helps people do what he calls the art of unconditioning. We get into why he says most 25-year-olds have only ever learned to meet other people's expectations, his puppy-raised-as-a-cat analogy for what happens when we're forced into someone else's mold, and why comparing yourself to anyone else, in his words, is a waste of time, because nobody else is you. You'll leave with his starting point for figuring out what you actually want instead of what you were trained to want: be a beginner again. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdgpQdZXcY4 In this episode Why Arnold couldn't answer "What do you want?" in his 40s, and what that reveals about how most of us are raised The puppy-raised-as-a-cat analogy for what happens when we're conditioned to be someone we're not Why comparing yourself to other people (or other people's methods) is a trap, and what to do instead The "art of unconditioning": Arnold's process for taking back your power and starting to think for yourself How to build self-acceptance and self-confidence without needing anyone else's approval first Why conforming to society's basic rules (stop at red lights, don't cut the line) isn't the same as living someone else's life Timestamps (21:47) Welcome and meet coach Arnold Beekes (after a couple of technical restarts) (22:21) Growing up with "my father's will was the law" (23:36) The bio line that stuck with Dana: "conditioned to live someone else's life" (26:16) The coaching question that stopped him cold: "Arnold, what do you want?" (28:11) Living your own life versus conforming for safety and approval (29:33) The puppy-raised-as-a-cat analogy (34:12) Finding balance between conforming and rebelling (38:05) Respecting your own uniqueness, and other people's (40:18) Why comparing yourself to other people's methods sets you up to fail (43:29) Moving from "not good enough" to self-acceptance (49:30) The art of unconditioning, explained (54:08) Where to find Arnold and his work About Arnold Beekes Arnold Beekes helps people move from fitting in to flying out. He grew up in an environment of extreme conformity, with a father who was a military officer both at work and at home. In his career, Arnold spent 20 years in technology and organizational leadership, then 20 years in psychology and personal leadership. Learn more at Arnold's website, or connect with him on LinkedIn. Favorite quotes "By the time most people, when you're 25, the only thing what you have learned is meeting expectations of other people." —Arnold Beekes "Just because I'm living my own life doesn't mean I'm a rebel." —Arnold Beekes "Every person in this world is totally unique." —Arnold Beekes Resources mentioned braingym.fitness: Arnold's website, home to his coaching work on the art of unconditioning Arnold Beekes on LinkedIn Related episodes The Courageous Life: Crafting Your Own Terms: same core question as Arnold's "what do you want" moment, from a different angle. Finding Yourself: Ascension From Childhood Dysfunction: another guest's journey out of a conditioning-heavy upbringing and into a life that's actually theirs. Why Young Adults Are More Stuck Than Ever: pairs with Arnold's point that by 25, most of us have only learned to meet other people's expectations. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz