Phoenix and Flame Podcast

First aired August 23, 2026 Annette Mullin spent 24 years with the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department, nine of them as a crisis negotiator, eventually leading one of the busiest negotiation teams in the country â€" averaging over 100 call-outs a year. She worked patrol, sexual assault, internal affairs, and homicide, becoming LVMPD's first female homicide sergeant, before spending her final years as the department's director of employee wellness in the aftermath of the October 1 Mandalay Bay shooting, the largest mass shooting in U.S. history. Now a negotiation instructor and coach at the Black Swan Group, founded by former FBI lead hostage negotiator Chris Voss, Annette translates those high-stakes lessons into practical tools for leaders, teams, and individuals navigating pressure, conflict, and growth. We talk about the universal need she discovered in every person she ever negotiated with, why the crime itself is almost always a secondary issue, what "tactical empathy" actually looks like in practice, and why most of us were never actually taught how to listen. Watch this episode Youtube episode link here In this episode How the O.J. Simpson case and a criminalistics program in LA sparked Annette's path into crime scene investigation, and why she chose Las Vegas over LAPD Joining LVMPD's crisis negotiation team, and what made Las Vegas's team one of the busiest in the country Becoming LVMPD's first female homicide sergeant, and the advice that helped her navigate a male-dominated field without making it about gender Why removing assumptions, and getting curious instead of judgmental, changed how she worked with people in crisis The universal need Annette discovered every person in crisis shares, no matter how different the circumstances Why the crime itself is almost always a secondary issue, and what's usually driving it underneath How Chris Voss's "tactical empathy" model, from Never Split the Difference, turns negotiation into collaboration instead of a tug-of-war The five levels of listening Black Swan teaches, and why most of us are trained to listen to respond instead of to understand Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet retired LVMPD crisis negotiator Annette Mullin (02:23) From the East Coast to Las Vegas: the O.J. Simpson case and her path into crime scene investigation (04:42) Joining the crisis negotiation team, and Las Vegas's brutal call-out numbers (06:36) Retiring after serving as director of employee wellness following the October 1 Mandalay Bay shooting (08:15) What drew her to law enforcement as a kid, from Nancy Drew to Quincy, M.E. (10:10) Navigating gender in a male-dominated field, and becoming LVMPD's first female homicide sergeant (14:00) Removing assumptions: why curiosity beats judgment when someone has "a chip on their shoulder" (16:52) The universal need every person in crisis shares, and why that surprised her most (20:05) Why the crime is almost always the secondary issue (24:28) From hostage negotiation to the boardroom: Chris Voss, Black Swan Group, and tactical empathy (28:43) The biggest obstacle to listening, and the five levels of listening Black Swan teaches (31:50) The number one struggle business leaders bring to her, and why practicing in "low stakes" moments matters (34:12) Where to find Annette, Black Swan Group, and the new book Fight Less, Win More About Annette Mullin Annette Mullin is a retired Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department leader with 24 years of law enforcement experience, including nine years as a crisis negotiator and eventual leader of LVMPD's crisis negotiation team, one of the busiest in the country. Over her career she worked patrol, community policing, sexual assault, internal affairs, and homicide, becoming LVMPD's first female homicide sergeant, before serving as the department's director of employee wellness in the aftermath of the October 1 Mandalay Bay shooting. Now a negotiation instructor and coach at the Black Swan Group, founded by former FBI lead hostage negotiator Chris Voss, Annette teaches the principles behind Never Split the Difference, including tactical empathy, to leaders, teams, and individuals navigating pressure and conflict in business and life. Learn more at the Black Swan Group, or connect with Annette on LinkedIn. Favorite quotes "There is a universal need for every person to be heard, to be seen, and to be understood."  "Not everybody is like you. Removing assumptions was really key, let them show you or tell you."  "If I read a book about working out every week but never lift a weight, I can't expect to see anything different."  Resources mentioned Black Swan Group: negotiation training founded by former FBI lead hostage negotiator Chris Voss Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss: the book that brings hostage-negotiation principles like tactical empathy into business and everyday life Fight Less, Win More: Chris Voss's newest book, adapting those same skills for personal relationships Annette Mullin on LinkedIn Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Ready to find your own voice on stage? Dana's a big fan of Mic Drop Academy, a public speaking and group coaching program built for women. Watch the free webinar, join a workshop, or dive into the bootcamp to build the confidence to speak up and be heard.

First aired August 16, 2026 For over a decade, Dave Mowry couldn't get out of bed, couldn't shower, and couldn't walk to his own mailbox without waiting until dark so a neighbor wouldn't catch the look in his eyes. In 1994, a psychotic break sent the successful businessman and family man into a depression so deep it cost him his house, his career, and 14 years he calls his "lost years." He slept in his clothes for months at a time. At parties, he'd stand against the wall and pray no one came over to talk to him. Then, at his wife's urging, he walked into a stand-up comedy class for people living with mental illness, and by the second session, something shifted: he started looking for the joke inside the pain. Dave is now a bestselling author, a blogger with over a million reads, a peer support specialist, and, in his own words, "a comic who shatters stigma one joke at a time." We get into what clinical depression actually feels like from the inside, why his wife is the true hero of his story, how a ten-week comedy class became group therapy in disguise, the gentle suicide joke that helped save a young man's life, and why people in the mental health field need to stop trying to "protect" the very people they're meant to be supporting. Watch this episode In this episode Why a 1994 psychotic break sent a successful businessman into 14 "lost years" of homelessness and depression What clinical depression actually feels like: the showers he couldn't take, the mailbox trips timed for after dark, and the panic attacks that came out of nowhere Why "just do something small," like sitting in a different chair, was enough to keep Dave from getting stuck in hopelessness What family members need to understand about mental illness, and how Dave's wife became "the hero of his story" How a NAMI stand-up comedy class turned Dave's pain into laugh-out-loud jokes, and eventually a sold-out show at Helium Comedy Club Dave's gentle suicide joke, why it works, and the night it helped save a young man's life Why people in the helping professions need to stop trying to "save" people with mental illness and start supporting them instead Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet comic and mental health advocate Dave Mowry (01:16) The 1994 psychotic break, and the 14 "lost years" that followed (03:56) What clinical depression actually feels like: showers, blending into the wall, panic attacks (07:10) The exhausting weight of "just getting out of bed" (08:41) Don't get stuck: the small, deliberate choices that kept hope alive (10:15) What family members need to understand: it's not a moral failing (11:26) Dave's wife, the true hero of his story (14:34) Finding NAMI's stand-up comedy class, and the moment humor clicked (17:59) Selling out Helium Comedy Club, and becoming "a thing" (19:51) Blogging, "OMG, that's me," and shattering stigma one joke at a time (25:32) Teaching comedy: the setup, the punchline, and getting students to open up (26:10) Dave's gentle suicide joke, and the night it helped save a life (32:42) Boundaries, mania, and giving himself permission to say no (37:25) Where to find Dave, his books, and how to reach him About Dave Mowry Dave Mowry is a bestselling author, blogger, and stand-up comic who shatters stigma one joke at a time. After a 1994 psychotic break led to 14 "lost years" of severe depression, homelessness, and hospitalization, Dave found his way back through NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) and a stand-up comedy class for people living with mental illness. He went on to sell out Portland's Helium Comedy Club, teach comedy classes to people living with mental illness, and become a peer support specialist. He's the author of OMG, That's Me! and Healing with Humor, and his blog for bphope.com has been read over a million times. Learn more and get in touch at Dave's website, or reach him directly at [email protected]. Favorite quotes "It's not a moral failing. It's a medical condition." —Dave Mowry "Afterwards, I called my wife for help. She said, 'There are more pills under the sink.'" —Dave Mowry, on the gentle suicide joke that's helped save lives "We don't need to be saved. Support us and all that, but don't try to save us. We don't need it." —Dave Mowry Resources mentioned Dave's website: home to his books and a contact form OMG, That's Me!: Dave's bestselling book on what it's really like to live with a mental illness, available on Amazon and Kindle Healing with Humor: Dave's newest book, telling the story of six comedy-class students and their transformation NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness): the organization that connected Dave to the comedy class that changed his life Helium Comedy Club (Portland): where Dave's class sold out a 185-seat show Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with,

In this episode, Dana is joined by Kurt Bush, a trauma-informed coach who helps leaders move from imposter syndrome to authentic confidence. Kurt shares his own journey with imposter syndrome, from feeling like a fraud in corporate leadership meetings to realizing his true calling. He explains that to make a change, the pain of staying the same must become greater than the pain of changing, a threshold many of us fear crossing. Kurt introduces the ERT (Encounter + Reflection = Transformation) framework, a practical approach to help you get unstuck. He reveals why the first step to moving forward is often learning to "start stopping" the things that drain your energy, allowing you to create a life that is truly aligned with who you are.  Kurt's Website Kurt's Linkedin ------------- Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here: Book Dana for your next speaking event or workshop

A midlife crisis isn't actually a crisis. That's the challenge Jody Brooks puts to anyone who's ever felt lost, restless, or quietly convinced something's wrong with them somewhere around 40 or 50: what looks like burnout, and what people love to write off as a freakout, is more often a calling. His own arrived at lunchtime at the office, buzzing canteen and all, when he found himself sitting in a restroom cubicle, crying so hard he could barely breathe. No brutal meeting that morning. No disaster. Just the quiet moment his body picked to file its formal complaint: burnout wasn't a "rough patch" anymore, it was a full-body shutdown. I've been a therapist for 18 years, and I can tell you: high performers do this. We white-knuckle through "one more day" (and one more, and one more) until the body stops asking politely. Sound familiar? Jody is a UK-based midlife and burnout coach who once survived 52 flights in eight months of what he calls "jazz hands" performing, and his calling-not-crisis framework is asking you to come home to yourself. We get into how to spot the full-body warning signs before you hit your own cubicle moment, how to settle anxiety in the moment it spikes (not three weeks and one forced sabbatical later), and Jody's wonderfully backwards first step for anyone feeling stuck: don't start something new. Start stopping. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qfi9lec7n2o In this episode Why burnout can feel like "just a bad day" until it suddenly isn't, and how to recognize the full-body warning signs before you hit the wall Why a midlife crisis isn't really a crisis at all: it's a calling to reconnect with who you actually are The anxiety-regulation technique Jody uses with coaching clients to come back from a stress spiral in real time Why you can't be "out of alignment" until you know what alignment actually means, and how to find your starting point The "start stopping" exercise for anyone who wants change but doesn't know where to begin How understanding your core values turns boundaries from something scary into something guilt-free Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet midlife and burnout coach Jody Brooks (01:47) The restroom-cubicle "pile of ash" moment: burnout as a full-body shutdown (04:34) The three-hour drive home, and the decision to stop (06:43) Fear, anxiety, and the "one small thing" that finally breaks us (10:10) Jody's technique for regulating anxiety and stress in the moment (13:59) What alignment really means (and the bus analogy) (19:39) Why younger generations and midlifers experience burnout differently (24:37) The blank-page moment: reclaiming your story through empowerment (25:43) "Start stopping": Jody's first step for anyone feeling stuck (29:21) Boundaries, core values, and why saying no is an act of service (33:17) Where to find Jody and his free resources About Jody Brooks Jody Brooks is a UK-based midlife and burnout coach and the founder of Authentic Coaching. After burning out during a high-pressure international career in education (one stretch included 52 flights in eight months) he developed the nine principles of authentic living, a practical framework that helps people turn crisis into connection and sustainable well-being. Learn more and join his free community at Jody's website, or connect with him on LinkedIn. Favorite quotes "I actually can't go back." —Jody Brooks, on the moment burnout finally broke through "Start stopping. Stopping what no longer serves you." —Jody Brooks "If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there." —Jody Brooks Resources mentioned AuthenticCoaching.me: Jody's website and free community, home to the "Start Stopping" exercise and the anxiety-regulation technique he mentions on the show Jody's nine principles of authentic living (his coaching framework, discussed throughout the episode) Jody Brooks on LinkedIn Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Two in the morning. Sitting on the toilet, clothed, bawling into a pillow, because a broken PC was the last thing standing between him and the self-employed life he wanted so badly he could feel it in his teeth. That's where my guest this week hit rock bottom: not one dramatic collapse, but months of computer problems piling on top of a dream that felt like it was never going to happen. A client shared one quote with him that day, and Aaron Ryan has carried it in his back pocket for almost twenty years since: "The temptation to quit is always greatest just before your greatest success." Aaron is an award-winning, bestselling author of the six-book Dissonance alien invasion saga (one installment is being pitched to streaming networks right now), plus dozens of other titles across sci-fi, historical fiction, and children's books, and he's also a working voice actor. We talk about the "Illuminati" he ran into at the top of the voiceover industry, the sting of writing 300 blog posts meant to encourage people only to be told they were "nothing," and why he walked away from that world entirely to go back to his first love: storytelling. Aaron also shares his best advice for anyone starting out as a writer (be authentic, steer clear of generative AI, and grow thick skin fast), and the 9/11 historical novel he wrote as an act of catharsis, imagining a world where the attacks never happened. If you've ever felt like an imposter next to people who seem to have it all figured out, or you're right on the edge of giving up on something you can feel in your teeth, this conversation is the reminder that the breakdown right before the breakthrough is often just... the process. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mHeG1Oqaspc In this episode The quote Aaron has carried for almost 20 years, and the two memory sticks that changed his entire career Why running into "the Illuminati" of the voiceover industry, and being told his encouragement blogs were "nothing," turned out to be his breakthrough in disguise Aaron's advice for anyone who wants to write a book: be authentic, avoid generative AI, and grow thick skin fast Why holding a finished book in your hands matters more than whether anyone buys it How Aaron turned personal catharsis into fiction, including a 9/11 historical novel where the attacks never happen What "breakdown to breakthrough, wash, rinse, repeat" really looks like over a creative career Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet award-winning author Aaron Ryan (01:38) The Dissonance saga, Hollywood pitches, and film festival wins (03:04) The young author's club at age 10, and being "fated" to write (04:39) Advice for new writers: be authentic, avoid AI, grow thick skin (07:38) Imposter syndrome, and the 7,500 books published on Amazon every day (09:57) "The Electric Boy": writing his first "book" at age seven (13:20) Why Aaron writes sci-fi, post-apocalyptic, and dystopian fiction (16:57) The "Illuminati" of the voiceover industry, and walking away from it (22:46) 2007: leaving full-time work, and the PC that wouldn't stop breaking (24:12) Bawling into a pillow at 2am, and the quote that changed everything (26:31) Breakdown to breakthrough, wash, rinse, repeat (28:31) Aaron's favorite books: The End Omega, and a 9/11 novel where the attacks never happen (35:00) Where to find Aaron and his books About Aaron Ryan Aaron Ryan is an award-winning and best-selling author, speaker, panelist, workshop presenter, and voice actor. He's the author of the six-book Dissonance alien invasion saga (currently being pitched to streaming networks), the Christian dystopian series The End, the 9/11 historical fiction novel Forecast, and dozens of other titles across sci-fi, historical fiction, and children's books. He lives in Washington with his wife, two sons, and a small menagerie of pets. Learn more at Aaron's website, or join his free community for screenplay updates, discount codes, giveaways, and appearances. Favorite quotes "The temptation to quit is always greatest just before your greatest success." —a line Aaron Ryan has carried in his back pocket for almost 20 years "If you can steer clear of AI, please do. Don't outsource your work to a chip." —Aaron Ryan "I must create or I'm gonna blow up, I'll explode." —Aaron Ryan Resources mentioned AuthorAaronRyan.com: Aaron's website, with links to all his books and social channels Aaron's free Facebook community: screenplay status updates, discount codes, giveaways, and appearances Dissonance, Aaron's six-book alien invasion saga The End Omega, the finale of Aaron's Christian dystopian series Forecast, Aaron's 9/11 historical fiction novel Related episodes From Rock Bottom to Mountain Top: Interview with Kevin Palmieri: another guest's road from the bottom back up From Tragedy to Triumph: Rhonda Britten's Path to a Fearless Life: more on turning devastation into a fearless second act From the Edge of Suicide to the Grace of Grief: another raw conversation about finding hope in the darkest moment Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Four years of chronic pain. A fibromyalgia diagnosis. Muscle relaxers, pain pills, migraines, MRI after MRI. And through all of it, my guest this week kept hearing the same quiet voice: something doesn't fit. Rebecca Russell listened to it anyway, tracked down a neurosurgeon, and asked for one test nobody else had run: a discogram. It found the bulging disc that had been the actual problem the whole time, and eighty-five percent of her symptoms disappeared after surgery. Rebecca is a metabolism and lifestyle coach, certified essential oil specialist, and author who's spent more than three decades turning her own health crises, a prediabetes warning in her thirties and years of unexplained chronic pain, into a holistic approach she now teaches other people. We talk about the difference between managing symptoms and finding root cause, how to bring up wanting to try something holistic without blowing up the relationship with a doctor you've trusted for decades, and the "black year" she spent as a stay-at-home mom feeling brain-dead and guilty for wanting more, before a community-college pamphlet turned into an unexpected ten-year path to becoming a published novelist. If you've ever been told your labs are "normal" while you know something is wrong, Rebecca's message is blunt and useful: do your homework, and don't let anyone, including a doctor you love, talk you out of your own intuition. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aa0h2DJgFWg In this episode Why Rebecca trusted her own intuition over four years of doctors telling her to just manage the pain, and the one test that finally found the root cause How a lifestyle overhaul helped Rebecca avoid a lifetime of medication after a prediabetes warning in her thirties The self-awareness, self-acceptance, self-love formula Rebecca built to help people figure out what they actually need Why she calls herself "the Queen of Homework," and how to research a health decision your doctor won't have time to How essential oils helped Rebecca get off a nightly sleep medication, and how each oil ties to an emotional need Her "black year" as a stay-at-home mom, and the writing-class pamphlet that turned into a decade-long path to publication Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet metabolism and lifestyle coach Rebecca Russell (02:10) From Harlequin romance novelist to competitive athlete (04:52) The rec ice hockey high, and the fibromyalgia diagnosis that followed (07:08) Watching family members struggle on the traditional medical path (09:04) The American Diabetes Society's shift toward prevention and reversal (11:39) The discogram: the one test nobody else had run (13:34) The statin Rebecca refused, and the thyroid issue that was the real cause (16:05) How to bring up holistic options without losing your traditional doctor (19:50) Why Rebecca calls herself "the Queen of Homework" (20:23) Essential oils, sleep, and getting off a nightly medication (24:35) The "black year": stay-at-home motherhood, guilt, and losing her sense of self (28:22) The writing-class pamphlet that led to a published novel ten years later (35:15) Boundaries, self-acceptance, and letting other people's opinions go About Rebecca Russell Rebecca Russell is a metabolism and lifestyle coach, author, and certified essential oil specialist who believes resilience begins with how we care for our bodies. After being told she was likely headed toward type 2 diabetes, she chose a different path and has spent more than 30 years embracing a holistic lifestyle to change the trajectory of her health, including recovering from a four-year battle with chronic pain that led to a fibromyalgia diagnosis. Learn more at Rebecca's website, where you can request a free wellness consultation. Favorite quotes "Listen to your body. Listen to that intuition." —Rebecca Russell "Root cause is so important." —Rebecca Russell "You have to know yourself well enough to know what you need to be happy." —Rebecca Russell Resources mentioned RebeccaRussell.com: Rebecca's website and free wellness consultation offer Rebecca's book, which includes companion journal pages for each chapter (available as a free download through Rebecca directly) The American Diabetes Society's preventative, low-carb approach to autoimmune conditions including diabetes Uncover Your Light, a nonfiction anthology on stories of hope and resilience featuring a chapter by Rebecca Related episodes How to Trust Your Intuition After Trauma: more on learning to listen to your own body and instincts again How Your Survival Brain Is Sabotaging Your Happiness: the science behind why we override our own signals How to Reclaim Your Energy When You're Burned Out: pairs with Rebecca's root-cause approach to chronic health struggles Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

My guest this week has a word for himself I'd never heard before: "entrepreholic." Over 39 years, Chris Shurian has built, operated, bought, broken, and resurrected companies in remodeling, construction, manufacturing, real estate development, foreign investment, hospitality, restaurants, and retail. He's also survived cancer and finished two Ironmans. And in 2008, when the economy crashed, he was so extended, so "all in, all in, all in," as he puts it, that he spent the next two years meeting with his banker once a week just to survive it. We talk about what it actually felt like to launch out on his own the first time (scary, but young enough that the stakes felt low), the mindset that got him through the 2008 collapse (he sold his boat and his Corvette for cash instead of losing them to the bank, because he'd paid cash for his toys in the first place), and why he now believes setting boundaries isn't a personal luxury for entrepreneurs, it's a core business strategy. Chris also shares the "work to live" question that reframed his whole career, and why four focused hours in his office can outperform someone else's fourteen. If you're building something and starting to feel like the business owns you instead of the other way around, Chris's story of setting his own hours from day one, and watching his business and his customers adapt to it, is worth the whole episode. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2nsQRwz6r5I In this episode Why "life balance isn't a luxury, it's a core business strategy" for entrepreneurs The mindset shift that turned "scared" into "excited" for Chris during the 2008 financial collapse Why paying cash for the boat, the Corvette, and the cabin saved Chris's family when the bank came calling How setting one firm boundary (a standing day off, a closed office door) trains your business and your customers to respect it Why entrepreneurs who "jump ship" too early into a new opportunity often sabotage the one that's already working The life balance wheel exercise Chris still uses with his coaching clients today Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet self-proclaimed "entrepreholic" Chris Shurian (01:58) The word "entrepreholic," and why it's different from "serial entrepreneur" (04:57) What launching out on his own for the first time actually felt like (06:54) The fence-building side hustle that turned into a contracting career (09:50) Bartering, visibility, and getting your work seen (13:11) Building a remodeling empire, and the year everything grew too fast (14:59) Neuroplasticity: reframing "scared" as "excited" (17:23) The 2008 crash: two years of weekly meetings with the banker (18:09) Why paying cash for the boat and the Corvette saved the family (20:08) Imposter syndrome as a coach, and the value of hard-won experience (24:30) Where Chris lost his own boundaries: jumping ship on the main business too early (28:20) "Do you live to work, or do you work to live?" (33:50) Where to find Chris and his coaching About Chris Shurian Chris Shurian is a self-proclaimed "entrepreholic" who has spent 39 years building, operating, breaking, and resurrecting companies in remodeling, construction, manufacturing, real estate development, foreign investment, hospitality, restaurants, and retail. In his own words: "I've won big, lost big, survived cancer, finished two Ironmans, and I still show up with the enthusiasm of a guy launching his very first venture." He now coaches business owners and entrepreneurs, drawing on decades of building, losing, and rebuilding. Learn more at Chris's website, or connect with him on LinkedIn. Favorite quotes "I've won big, lost big, survived cancer, finished two Ironmans, and I still show up with the enthusiasm of a guy launching his very first venture." —Chris Shurian "I am absolutely a work to live kind of guy." —Chris Shurian "I can get more done in four hours in my office than some people get done in two or three days." —Chris Shurian Resources mentioned BootstrapsAndBattleScars.com: Chris's platform, coaching, and podcast Chris Shurian on LinkedIn The life balance wheel, an exercise Chris uses with coaching clients to spot where their life is out of balance Related episodes Setting Boundaries for Well-Being and Success: more on why boundaries drive success instead of limiting it Entrepreneurial Success: Habits of a Maverick: another entrepreneur's take on the habits that make the long game possible Vision and Heart: One Entrepreneur's Journey: another founder's road through building, losing, and rebuilding Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Picture a hand-written sign taped to a bus stop in Japan: "I'm 87, I don't have a family. Would some family take me?" No one answered. He died a couple of months later. That story, from my guest this week, is the starkest snapshot I've ever heard of what loneliness researcher Dr. Anthony Silard calls a global epidemic, and the twist is who it's hitting hardest: not the oldest of us, but the youngest. Anthony is a professor of Leadership and Organizational Psychology and an internationally recognized authority on relationships, emotional intelligence, and personal transformation, and he's the author of the new book Love and Suffering: Break the Emotional Chains that Prevent You from Experiencing Love. We get into the real difference between loneliness (which he calls the trash) and solitude (the treasure), his four-plateau model for moving toward love, and why parents need to be their kid's "emotion elevator" instead of handing over a screen every time a feeling gets hard. Anthony also makes the case, backed by his own research, for ditching "forgive and forget" for good: forgiveness is something you do for yourself, trust is something you decide about the relationship, and they are not the same choice. If you've ever wondered whether you're lonely or just alone, or you've been calling resentment "forgiveness" without realizing it, this conversation hands you the language for both. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nkiYyQ_Nj-U In this episode Why today's loneliest generation isn't the oldest, it's the youngest, and what's driving it The real difference between loneliness (trash) and solitude (treasure), and how to move toward the second Why "forgive and forget" is bad advice, and what to do instead: forgive and remember, lightly The difference between forgiveness (for you) and trust (for the relationship), and why you can have one without the other What it means to be your child's "emotion elevator," and what happens when that job gets outsourced to a screen Why comparing yourself to everyone else on your bus is quietly making loneliness worse Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet Dr. Anthony Silard, author of Love and Suffering (01:49) Why Anthony studies loneliness: his own early experience with it (03:14) The exponential rise in loneliness since the first iPhone (06:15) The loneliness epidemic by the numbers: the Cigna study, the UK's minister for loneliness, and the 87-year-old's sign (09:34) Loneliness vs. solitude: trash and treasure (12:14) Why today's loneliest generation is the youngest, not the oldest (16:58) Being your child's "emotion elevator," and the conversational duet (23:01) The decline of empathy, and the truth about the "self-absorption" myth (27:30) Why "forgive and forget" is bad advice (28:27) Forgiveness vs. trust: two different decisions (31:14) Where to find Anthony and his free books About Dr. Anthony Silard Dr. Anthony Silard is a professor of Leadership and Organizational Psychology and an internationally recognized authority in relationships, leadership, emotional intelligence, relational healing, and personal transformation. He earned his doctorate at IESE Business School in Barcelona and is one of the two most-published researchers on loneliness in organizations, alongside Sarah Wright in New Zealand. He's the author of Love and Suffering: Break the Emotional Chains that Prevent You from Experiencing Love (2025) and the previous book Screened In: The Art of Living Free in the Digital Age, and he coaches CEOs and senior leaders at companies including Toyota, Apple, Google, and Boeing. Learn more at Anthony's website, or grab his two free books, "The Myth of Happiness" and "The Myth of Friendship." Favorite quotes "Loneliness is a negative distressing emotion associated with being alone. Solitude is a positive strengthening emotion associated with being alone." —Dr. Anthony Silard "Resentment is what you feel while the other person's out dancing." —Dr. Anthony Silard "Trust is necessary for relationship development." —Dr. Anthony Silard Resources mentioned Love and Suffering: Break the Emotional Chains that Prevent You from Experiencing Love, Anthony's book on his four-plateau "love progression model" Screened In: The Art of Living Free in the Digital Age, Anthony's previous book on screens and relationships Two free books: "The Myth of Happiness" and "The Myth of Friendship," available at TheArtOfLivingFree.org The Cigna loneliness study (2018 and 2020) cited on the rise in adult American loneliness Related episodes Beyond Forgive and Forget: The Real Secret to Letting Go: a deeper dive into exactly the forgiveness-vs-trust distinction Anthony draws in this episode Curiosity: The Bridge to Connection: more on what it actually takes to move from isolation to real connection Vulnerability, Authenticity, and Connection: An Interview with Coach Lee Hopkins: another conversation on what genuine connection requires Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Picture a high school track meet: a sixteen-pound shot put thrown the wrong direction, a burst spleen, three weeks in a hospital bed. That's how my guest this week learned, at sixteen or seventeen, that avoiding failure is exactly what guarantees it. Mark DeCarlo woke up after three days unconscious to a doctor telling him ten more minutes and he'd have been dead, and he's spent every day since orienting his choices around one question: will this make me more happy or less happy? Mark is an Emmy award-winning comedian, bestselling author, and in-demand corporate speaker and leadership trainer (also, if you had a kid in the 2000s, the voice of Hugh Neutron). We get into why he believes fear is always and only self-destructive, never useful once you're past outrunning actual predators, and why failing on purpose, over and over, is the only way to find out what you actually like. Mark also walks through the "ten times" exercise for identifying your own happiness, and calls out the biggest myth keeping high performers stuck: that you have to suffer now to be happy later. If you're one of my high performers white-knuckling through burnout because you think the money has to come first, this one's for you. Mark's simple two-bucket framework for burnout, and his blunt reminder that no one's getting out of this alive, might be exactly the permission slip you need to stop postponing your own happiness. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tc9hy5ItJ4 In this episode Why avoiding failure is what actually guarantees it, and how a near-death shot-put accident taught Mark to use happiness as his life's "North Star" Why fear is always and only self-destructive, and the difference between fear and healthy caution The "ten times" exercise for finding out what actually makes you happy, not what you think should Why working harder now to be happy "later" is backwards, and what to do instead How losing 80 pounds by telling everyone his goal, instead of hiding it, taught Mark the power of public accountability The two buckets of burnout, and what to do about each one Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet Emmy-winning comedian Mark DeCarlo (01:16) The near-death shot-put accident that reoriented Mark's whole life (03:06) Why time, not money, is the resource you can't get back (04:30) Try everything: finding what you like by crossing off what you don't (06:19) Fear vs. caution, and why fear is always self-destructive (07:57) Thomas Edison, failure, and the scientific method for finding happiness (09:47) Chaos, entropy, and why happiness has to come before the money (16:02) How do you actually know if you're happy? Spotting the dopamine trap (19:34) Losing 80 pounds: the power of telling everyone your goal (21:30) "If you don't fail, you're not pushing hard enough" (24:15) Doing it scared: fear doesn't get the final vote (31:02) The two buckets of burnout, and what to do about each one (35:12) Where to find Mark and his work About Mark DeCarlo Mark DeCarlo is an Emmy award-winning comedian, bestselling author, and in-demand corporate speaker and leadership trainer. He's also the voice of Hugh Neutron on Nickelodeon's Jimmy Neutron and a former travel show host. After a near-death accident in high school, he built his career and his life around a single question: does this choice make me more happy or less happy? Learn more at Mark's website, or follow him on Instagram. Favorite quotes "Fear is only and always self-destructive." —Mark DeCarlo "And if you don't fail, you're not pushing hard enough." —Mark DeCarlo "No one's getting out of this alive." —Mark DeCarlo Resources mentioned MarkDeCarloSpeaker.com: Mark's website Mark DeCarlo TV on Instagram: Mark's travel content and updates Related episodes The Fear Trap: more on why fear keeps us stuck, and how to stop letting it drive the car How Your Survival Brain Is Sabotaging Your Happiness: the science behind why chasing happiness feels so much harder than it should How to Spot Burnout Before It's Too Late: pairs with Mark's two-bucket burnout framework from this episode Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Would your young adult be able to survive without you? That's the question my guest Joanna Lilley says every parent should be able to answer, and if your gut response is "no" or "I don't know," she's got thoughts. Joanna is a therapeutic consultant who works exclusively with what she calls "emerging adults," people 18 and up who are unraveling in college or not thriving in adulthood, and after years in the field she's convinced young adults are more stuck than ever: not because they're lazy, but because they're paralyzed by too many options and too little structure. Joanna's practice, Lilley Consulting, has helped young adults find mental health, substance use, and wellness resources since 2016. We get into why "too many choices" can freeze someone as badly as too few, the difference between a real boundary and plain distress intolerance, and her blunt advice for parents: don't let fear keep you from holding one, and don't try to be your own kid's therapist. Whether you're the parent lying awake wondering if you're helping or enabling, or the 20-something wondering why "adulting" feels impossible, Joanna's got a roadmap that doesn't require pretending anyone has all the answers. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHXcxINrWCM In this episode Why young adults are more stuck than ever, and how "too many options" can paralyze decision-making more than too few The question Joanna says every parent should be able to answer: would your young adult survive without you? Why "the path to hell is paved with good intentions" when parents try to be their kid's therapist or coach The real difference between a boundary and plain distress intolerance How to build structure and forward momentum for a young adult who skips (or leaves) college Practical guardrails for gaming, codependent parenting, and job-hopping, without the shame spiral Timestamps (00:02) Welcome and introducing therapeutic consultant Joanna Lilley (01:48) Why Joanna went back to grad school, and the assistantship that made it possible (04:54) Why she chose to work exclusively with "emerging adults" (08:24) What young adults are actually struggling with right now (10:11) Why more options can create more stuckness, not less (12:35) The dark question: would your young adult survive without you? (17:06) Holding a boundary without letting fear drive your parenting (22:40) Building structure and momentum for a young adult who skips college (28:01) Gaming, codependent parenting, and why the average young adult may have nine careers (34:07) The difference between a real boundary and distress intolerance (41:38) Where to find Joanna, her blog, and her podcast, Success Is Subjective About Joanna Lilley Joanna Lilley is a therapeutic consultant and founder of Lilley Consulting, which since 2016 has helped young adults 18-plus find mental health, substance use, and wellness resources. She dedicates herself to working solely with emerging adults who unravel in college or aren't thriving in adulthood, and hosts her own podcast, Success Is Subjective. Learn more, read her blog, and find her podcast at LilleyConsulting.com, or connect with her on LinkedIn. Favorite quotes "Would your young adult be able to survive without you?" —Joanna Lilley "The path to hell is paved with good intentions." —Joanna Lilley, on parents trying to be their own kid's therapist "It's okay to not know at 18 what you're gonna do the rest of your life, because nobody did." —Joanna Lilley Resources mentioned LilleyConsulting.com: Joanna's site, blog, and consulting practice for young adults and families Success Is Subjective, Joanna's own podcast Joanna Lilley on LinkedIn Related episodes How to Overcome Anxiety and Network with Confidence: More support for young adults navigating the anxiety Joanna describes around careers and next steps. How Your Survival Brain is Sabotaging Your Happiness: A deeper look at why the brain freezes up when facing too many choices. Boundaries - Why Can't I Set Them?: More on the real difference between a boundary and avoidance, the distinction Joanna draws here. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Picture coming home to a business card tucked into your door jamb. It says "coroner's unit, robbery unit," with a handwritten note: call me please. That's how my guest Mandi Pratt found out, a year after leaving an abusive marriage, that the FBI had been hunting her ex-husband for six to nine months, for a string of bank robberies. If you've ever wondered how to trust your intuition after trauma, when your own mind has been trained to doubt itself, this is the episode that shows you how, from someone whose story was on the news twice. Mandi transformed that plot twist into a framework for self-leadership and resilience, and now helps individuals and organizations understand how stress and survival responses affect decision-making, boundaries, and wellbeing. We get into what "survival mode" actually looks like when you're a single mom of a toddler with a criminal case unfolding around you, why validation (not advice) is what actually cuts the risk of complex PTSD, and Mandi's simple "happy list," a menu of go-to things that help her regulate when she can't think straight enough to help herself. Twenty years out, Mandi is remarried, her son is grown, and she's still learning what it means for a nervous system to finally feel safe enough to rest. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HDUahmDXqOU In this episode How to trust your intuition after trauma, starting with Mandi's first step: learning to actually pause What "survival mode" really looks like when you're a single parent with a criminal case unfolding around you Why validation, not advice, is what actually cuts the risk of complex PTSD (and what it sounds like) How to vet the people you lean on after abuse, and why "are you sure? he seems so nice" does real damage Mandi's "happy list": a pre-made menu of things that help, for the days you can't think straight enough to choose Why your body can fall apart once it finally feels safe, and why that's not a setback Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and introducing self-leadership expert Mandi Pratt (01:52) The FBI business card in the door jamb (03:24) Learning her ex had been robbing banks for months (07:19) Survival mode as a single mom: no time for emotional processing (08:21) Institutional betrayal, and why the resources just weren't there yet (11:15) Leaning on pets, movement, and time outside when talk therapy wasn't enough (12:36) Why intuition alarm bells get rationalized away, especially for women (15:29) The patterning that keeps trauma survivors from saying no (18:03) Why validation alone cuts complex PTSD risk by three times (21:11) The pile of ash: finding the "light at the end of the tunnel" one micro-step at a time (25:19) Moving from fight-or-flight, and why it took 20 years, not 20 days (29:14) The "happy list": Mandi's go-to menu for regulating on the hard days (31:41) Where to find Mandi, her intuition quiz, and her free five-day challenge About Mandi Pratt Mandi Pratt is a speaker and self-leadership expert who turned a life-shattering crisis, leaving an abusive marriage only to learn her ex-husband was wanted by the FBI for bank robbery, into a framework for helping individuals and organizations move from fight-or-flight into clarity, confidence, and inner stability. Take her free intuition quiz at womenawareandprepared.com/quiz, or learn more at mandipratt.com. She's also on Instagram as "Women Aware and Prepared" and on LinkedIn under her own name. Favorite quotes "Even with unhealthy relationships, a lot of times we will get those intuition alarm bells going off. But a lot of times we rationalize it." —Mandi Pratt "You don't have to keep living that way. You don't have to keep hustle, hustle, hustle. Your nervous system can't take that anymore." —Mandi Pratt "If you just validate, that sounds so hard, and I am so sorry that you're going through that. I hear you." —Mandi Pratt, on what actually helps someone in crisis Resources mentioned Mandi's free intuition quiz, plus a five-day challenge to strengthen your intuition after taking it MandiPratt.com: Mandi's site Mandi on Instagram and LinkedIn as "Women Aware and Prepared" / Mandi Pratt Related episodes The Hidden Tactics Narcissists Use to Control You: More on the post-separation abuse and manipulation patterns Mandi navigated with her ex. Surviving Gaslighters and Manipulators: A companion look at rebuilding trust in your own perception after abuse. How Unresolved Trauma Is Ruling Your Life: More on why the body keeps score long after the danger has passed, as Mandi describes. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Picture a school counselor's office with a shoebox of sand tucked under the desk. A parent is on the phone getting heated, and while she listens, my guest slips off one shoe and presses her foot into the sand until she can practically smell the ocean. Thirty seconds later, she's steady again. That trick is one of dozens Dianne Andree uses to reclaim her energy when she's burned out, and she's spent more than 25 years in education and mental health learning how. Dianne is an award-winning international speaker and burnout prevention specialist who stood on the brink of burnout herself as a school counselor and administrator, to the point she nearly left the field entirely. We get into the difference between American "hurry culture" and how the rest of the world treats rest (something she noticed firsthand representing the U.S. on a panel with a dozen other countries in India), why "I should be doing more" is the thought that burns high performers out the fastest, and her "power of pause" method for staying present instead of comparing your path to everyone else's. We also cover the four biggest energy drains Dianne sees most in her coaching, and why "stop shoulding on yourself" might be the best boundary advice you hear all year. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwhVSoFLrwI In this episode Why reclaiming your energy when you're burned out starts with noticing the sleep that never actually rests you The "hurry culture" habit most Americans don't even realize they have, and what other countries do differently Dianne's "power of pause" method for staying present instead of comparing your path to everyone else's The "30-second reset" she teaches for when things start to spiral Why "stop shoulding on yourself" beats chasing the next TEDx talk or book deal The biggest energy drains Dianne sees most in high performers, and what to do about them Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and introducing burnout prevention specialist Dianne Andree (01:23) How she landed in school counseling, and later, burnout prevention (08:39) What burnout actually felt like: sleep that never rests you (11:28) Small daily practices that helped her cope: music, journaling, drive-time to decompress (13:33) Learning to say no, so you can say yes to what matters (14:40) Deciding who is an energy drain and who is an energy filler (18:03) America's "hurry culture," and what she saw representing the U.S. alongside a dozen other countries (21:02) Why human connection, not more doing, is the real fix for burnout (22:21) The "30-second reset" and getting grounded before things spiral (23:23) The shoebox-of-sand trick from her school counseling days (26:46) Comparison, "good enough," and social media's highlight reel (29:11) Harnessing the "power of pause" to sit in gratitude instead of the path ahead (32:30) Where to find Dianne, and her free "simple morning routine" About Dianne Andree Dianne Andree is an award-winning international speaker and burnout prevention specialist with more than 25 years of experience in mental health, having stood on the brink of burnout herself. She brings powerful insight, authenticity, and practical strategies that help individuals and organizations reclaim energy, focus, and purpose. Learn more, including her free "simple morning routine" guide, at dianneandree.com, or connect with her on LinkedIn. Favorite quotes "Stop shoulding on yourself. Should, shoulda, coulda, woulda, stop shoulding on yourself." —Dianne Andree "There's a lot of things in our life we can't control, but I can decide where I put my energy. That is something I have complete control over." —Dianne Andree "The windshield is bigger than the rear view mirror for a reason." —Dianne Andree Resources mentioned DianneAndree.com: Dianne's site, home to her free "simple morning routine" guide and "30-second reset" videos Dianne Andree on LinkedIn Emory University's Compassion Center, referenced by Dianne as the source of her cognitively based compassion training certification How to Fill Your Bucket, the "cute little book" Dianne mentions on the "you can't pour from an empty bucket" idea Related episodes How to Spot Burnout Before It's Too Late: More on catching the early warning signs Dianne describes before you hit rock bottom. Overcoming Burnout, Hustle Culture, and Redefining Success: A companion conversation on why hustle culture burns out high performers, and how to redefine success on your own terms. Why Your Midlife 'Crisis' Might Actually Be Burnout: Another look at burnout as a full-body wake-up call rather than a personal failing. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Jackie Miller is wandering her own weed-filled backyard in her pajamas and slippers, late afternoon in the middle of summer, hasn't showered, hasn't eaten, and can't quite remember how she got there, worn down by exactly the hidden tactics narcissists use to control you. That's the moment Jackie, a high-conflict divorce coach and post-separation abuse strategist, names as her wake-up call, a year and a half into rebuilding after 16 and a half years married to a man who chipped away at her a little at a time: what she calls "death by a thousand paper cuts." If you've ever wondered why the people around you can't seem to see it happening, this episode names every one of them. Jackie survived that 16.5-year emotionally, verbally, and financially abusive marriage, then a grueling two-and-a-half-year high-conflict divorce, and now helps women "escape toxic entanglements, reclaim their energy, and win without playing the narcissist's game." We get into the "frog in boiling water" beginning (whirlwind love bombing, married within 18 months), the financial control that left her name off every account after 16 years of marriage, and how the abuse didn't stop at separation, it just moved into the courtroom. You'll also hear my "meat hook" visual for the moment a narcissist tries to bait you back into a fight, and the simple written record that helped Jackie hold onto the truth when the self-doubt crept back in. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=znEPkqRqbww In this episode Why the "frog in boiling water" beginning makes it so hard to see narcissistic abuse while you're inside it How financial control can leave you with zero access to money after 16-plus years of marriage Why abuse often escalates after separation, and how narcissists weaponize the court system to keep control Dana's "meat hook" visual for refusing to take the bait when someone tries to trigger you The "false narratives" a narcissist installs in you, and how to spot the remote control they're still pushing Why keeping a written record of what actually happened can keep you sane when the doubt creeps back in Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and introducing high-conflict divorce coach Jackie Miller (01:40) The "frog in boiling water": love bombing, whirlwind courtship, and the devaluing stage (03:25) Financial abuse: 16.5 years married with her name on nothing (05:45) Filing for divorce, and the post-separation abuse that followed (07:38) Rock bottom: wandering the backyard in pajamas, unable to function (12:29) The covert mask: why friends and family don't see it (15:19) Smear campaigns, and how narcissists plant seeds early (21:37) The out-of-body epiphany: watching the manipulation from outside herself (22:37) Dana's "meat hook" visual for not engaging with triggers (24:13) The "false narratives" a narcissist installs, and the remote control they still push (28:47) Why writing down what happened protects you from self-doubt later (32:41) Where to find Jackie, her podcast, and her free guide About Jackie Miller Jackie Miller is a high-conflict divorce coach and post-separation abuse strategist who survived a 16.5-year emotionally, verbally, and financially abusive marriage and a two-and-a-half-year high-conflict divorce. She now brings both lived experience and expert strategy to women navigating the same fight, through her coaching practice and her podcast, Out of Crazy Town: Your Guide to Divorcing a Narcissist. Learn more at jackiemillercoaching.com (her site also hosts her free guide on when to respond to a narcissist and when to ignore), or connect with her on LinkedIn. She's also on Instagram and TikTok as "Out of Crazy Town." Favorite quotes "There is no amount of money in the world that justifies enduring abuse." —Jackie Miller "Congratulations, you've survived 100% of your worst days." —Jackie Miller "You are in a relationship with a master manipulator. It doesn't matter how smart you are, it doesn't matter how educated you are." —Jackie Miller Resources mentioned JackieMillerCoaching.com: Jackie's site, coaching info, blog, and her free guide on when to respond to a narcissist and when to ignore Jackie Miller on LinkedIn Out of Crazy Town: Your Guide to Divorcing a Narcissist, Jackie's podcast, also findable via her site "Out of Crazy Town" on Instagram and TikTok, Jackie's handles on both platforms Related episodes Healing From Narcissistic Abuse: A deeper look at recovering identity and trust after a relationship like the one Jackie describes. Surviving Gaslighters and Manipulators: More on spotting the covert tactics Jackie names here before they escalate. Surviving Toxic Relationships: Interview with Shannon Petrovich: Another survivor's strategy for disengaging from a controlling partner. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Picture an 18-year-old walking into the office of the disability advisor at a college she'd already decided to skip, after a neuropsych test predicted she probably wouldn't succeed there, and asking: "What classes can you take with half a brain?" That's a true story, and it's how this episode on finding purpose in your biggest struggles gets going. It belongs to my guest Holly Kostrzewski, who sustained a traumatic brain injury at 18 in a car crash and had to relearn to walk, talk, and read from scratch, living back home with her parents until she was 29. Holly is an international keynote speaker, consultant, and storyteller who has since inspired over a million people across the U.S., Canada, and New Zealand, and her story doesn't stop at one flame. Fourteen years after her injury, her dad became a paraplegic and she became his caretaker. Then, after 22 years as a public servant, she lost her federal job and had to figure out who she was without the title. Out of all three came her keynote "The Junk Drawer": the idea that everybody's got a drawer of stuff they're too ashamed to show anyone, and the good stuff is hiding right there next to the junk. We get into why shame keeps that drawer shut, my yard boundary metaphor for deciding who's earned the right to your "tender bits," and why "at least it's not cancer" might be the worst thing you can say to someone in pain. If you've ever felt like less of a person because of a job, a diagnosis, or a body that doesn't work the way it used to, this one's for you. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r42BxvMjnsk In this episode Why finding purpose in your biggest struggles starts with naming the flame that burned you down (Holly's "three burns" framework) The stubborn question that got Holly back into college after a neuropsych test said she probably wouldn't make it Why shame keeps your "junk drawer" shut, and what happens when you finally open it Dana's yard boundary metaphor for deciding who's earned the right to hear your "tender bits" Why "at least" comments shut down grief, and what to do instead How to tell if someone is a safe person for your hardest stuff before you hand it to them Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and introducing keynote speaker Holly Kostrzewski (01:51) The car crash at 18 and the coup-contrecoup brain injury (03:00) Relearning to walk, talk, and read, and failing therapy along the way (04:56) "What classes can you take with half a brain?" (09:31) Burn number two: her dad's fall and becoming a paraplegic (13:46) Burn number three: losing her federal job after 22 years (14:31) Building "The Junk Drawer" keynote (20:03) Why we hide our junk drawer: shame and "am I enough" (22:07) Dana's yard boundary metaphor and vetting people for your "tender bits" (26:19) The "at least" comments that shut down grief (31:14) Where to find Holly, and a plug for Mic Drop Club About Holly Kostrzewski Holly Kostrzewski is an international keynote speaker, consultant, and storyteller who has inspired over a million people across the United States, Canada, and New Zealand. A survivor of a traumatic brain injury at 18 and now caretaker to her paraplegic father, she built her signature keynote, "The Junk Drawer," around the idea that our hidden hard stuff is where real connection (and humor) actually live. Learn more at hollyspeaks.live, or follow her on Instagram. Favorite quotes "What classes can you take with half a brain?" —Holly Kostrzewski "Shame, I think, is one of the heaviest things to carry." —Holly Kostrzewski "You have to just remember you're more than any job and you're more than anything that happens to you." —Holly Kostrzewski Resources mentioned HollySpeaks.live: Holly's speaking site, home to her "Junk Drawer" keynote Holly Kostrzewski on Instagram Mic Drop Club, the women's public speaking group where Holly and Dana are both hosts Brené Brown's "empathy vs. sympathy" video, referenced by Dana Related episodes How to Reclaim Your Power from Shame: More on the shame Holly describes carrying about her brain injury, and how to loosen its grip. Victory Over Quadruple Amputation: Interview with Wendy Wallace: Another rising-from-the-ashes story about rebuilding identity after catastrophic physical loss. Boundaries - Why Can't I Set Them?: A deeper dive into the yard metaphor Dana uses here to explain who earns the right to your "tender bits." Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

A gentle note before you dive in: this conversation touches on childhood suicidal ideation. It's okay to pause, skip ahead, or come back to this one another time. There's an old horror-movie line: the call is coming from inside the house. That's basically the image trauma-informed healer Emma Lyons uses for what she calls the shame voice: not a wounded inner child that needs a hug, but an internalized narcissist wearing your abuser's exact strategies. Emma didn't see it clearly until she broke her leg in a motorbike accident and spent six months bed-bound or in a wheelchair, and her body started objecting to her mom's boundary violations before her brain caught up. Emma is the founder of Trauma Matrix, where she helps women break up with the shame voice that's been sabotaging their success, relationships, and visibility. She studied law and international human rights before realizing that path "felt like a slow death," and later discovered she'd grown up the scapegoat of a covertly narcissistic mother. We get into what that childhood actually did to her nervous system, why she thinks even well-meaning therapists get "healthy shame" wrong, and the acronym she teaches clients for interrupting a shame spiral in real time. If you've ever caught yourself agreeing with an insult nobody actually said out loud, this conversation names exactly what's happening, and gives you a way out. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5EQIDmD81PM In this episode Why the shame voice isn't your inner child, it's an internalized narcissist wearing your abuser's own tactics How growing up as the family scapegoat rewires your nervous system, and why "normal" doesn't mean "healthy" The physical wake-up call (a broken leg) that finally taught Emma her mom wasn't respecting her boundaries Emma's BREAK method for interrupting a shame spiral in real time: Break the trance, Refuse to engage, Expose the lie, Anchor your truth, Kick it out Why women are taught to shrink, and how that shame directly costs us in the workplace and in our paychecks How reclaiming your "shameless" starts with recognizing the voice was never trying to protect you Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and meet trauma-informed healer Emma Lyons (01:14) Leaving human rights law: "wading through sludge" and a quarter-life crisis (02:12) Discovering she was the scapegoat of a covertly narcissistic family system (04:39) The shame voice as an internalized narcissist, not an inner critic (08:28) The motorbike accident and broken leg that finally exposed her mom's boundary violations (11:31) "The call is coming from inside the house": when the external narcissist becomes internal (13:15) Why "healthy shame" is a lie, and how shame-based culture shows up everywhere (21:08) The BREAK method for interrupting a shame spiral (26:29) Why women struggle to feel safe being visible or paid what they're worth (33:04) Where to find Emma, and her free guide to breaking up with your inner narcissist About Emma Lyons Emma Lyons is a trauma-informed healer and founder of Trauma Matrix, where she helps women break up with the internalized shame voice that's been sabotaging their success, relationships, and visibility. She studied law and international human rights before leaving that career path to build her healing practice. Follow her work on her Substack, Trauma Matrix, or connect on LinkedIn. Favorite quotes "The real freedom comes from liberating ourselves from this inner narcissist that we've internalized, and then we become unshamable. We've got to reclaim our shameless." —Emma Lyons "Shame is not a normal emotion. It's not like rage or anxiety, you find something else underneath it. Under shame, there's more shame. It's never ending." —Emma Lyons "It's not your friend. It's not a critic. It's not a wounded child. It's a parasite." —Emma Lyons Resources mentioned Trauma Matrix: Emma's Substack Emma's free guide: 5 Signs It's Time to Break Up With Your Inner Narcissist Emma Lyons on LinkedIn Dr. Ramani's "DEEP" framework (don't defend, don't explain, don't engage, don't personalize), referenced by Emma when discussing how to respond to a narcissist The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, mentioned by Dana Related episodes The Hidden Tactics Narcissists Use to Control You: a direct companion piece to the narcissistic-family dynamics Emma describes here. Healing From Narcissistic Abuse: another guest's journey through the same territory. How to Trust Your Intuition After Trauma: more on rebuilding trust in yourself after a dysfunctional family system. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

A gentle note before you dive in: this conversation touches on suicide loss. It's okay to pause, skip ahead, or come back to this one another time. Chris Gillen was born into what he calls "a family of professional victims." His dad could never own a decision: everything was somebody else's fault. That same pattern passed down to Chris's younger brother, who died by suicide at 34 after reaching a point where, in Chris's words, "the world was a villain" and there was no way out. That's the origin story behind what Chris now calls the Villain Trap: the ego in leadership that quietly sabotages companies, careers, and homes long before anyone notices it's happening. Chris is a leadership advisor and former executive with over 30 years of experience helping companies navigate rapid growth, change, and internal conflict. In our conversation he breaks down why the Villain Trap isn't the leader who's yelling and throwing things, it's quiet: a leader gets feedback they don't like, and instead of sitting with it, they start building a case in their head for why the person giving it is "out to get them." We get into why ego makes that so hard to catch in yourself, and why he thinks humility has become a "dead skill set." We also cover the generational collision happening in corporate America right now (Gen X holds 70 percent of global leadership roles, and younger workers are pushing back on the "butt in the seat, 6 a.m. to 6 p.m." model Gen X leaders are now enforcing), and why chasing KPIs over people quietly burns a culture down. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pf9z8uJdKa4 In this episode Why ego, not incompetence, is usually what stops leaders from accepting accountability The "blame bubble": how a quiet leadership pattern turns a colleague into a villain in your head, without anyone ever raising their voice Why Chris says humility is a "dead skill set," and how chasing a polished image on social media works against real connection How ego in leadership shows up differently across generations, with Gen X now holding 70% of global leadership roles Why KPI-obsessed leadership burns people out, and what "coach, guide, develop, nurture" looks like instead The one accountability question Chris says has to come before any other: "what could I have done differently?" Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and meet leadership advisor Chris Gillen (01:24) Growing up in "a family of professional victims" (03:15) His brother's death at 34, and the moment the Villain Trap idea was born (06:42) Why ego stops us from accepting responsibility (09:42) The "blame bubble": how a leader quietly turns a colleague into the villain (14:25) Vulnerability, authenticity, and why "look at me" leadership backfires (20:45) Gen X holds 70% of global leadership: what that means for the generational shift underway (25:31) What happens when companies chase KPIs over people (29:44) Why Chris wrote The Villain Trap, and who needs to read it (34:21) The accountability question that has to come first About Chris Gillen Chris Gillen is a sought-after leadership advisor and former executive with over 30 years of experience helping companies navigate rapid growth, change, and internal conflict. He's worked with organizations ranging from lean startups to Fortune 100s, and is the author of The Villain Trap. Learn more at TheVillainTrap.com, or connect with him on LinkedIn. Favorite quotes "Accountability begins with, in any situation: what could I have done differently, before you can say what could you have done differently." —Chris Gillen "Vulnerability isn't weakness, it's strength. It's real strength." —Chris Gillen "The bigger the ego, the less humility that a person can have." —Chris Gillen Resources mentioned The Villain Trap, Chris's book, available in hardcover, Kindle, and Audible: TheVillainTrap.com Chris Gillen on LinkedIn Related episodes How to Build a Workplace Culture That Lasts: another leadership conversation about what actually changes a company's culture from the inside. Stop Winging It: A Leader's Guide to Resilience: more on what it takes to lead well under pressure. The Path to Trauma-Informed Leadership: pairs naturally with Chris's take on leading with humility and self-awareness. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

In this episode, Dana is joined by Clay Moffat, an ex-Navy weapons tech turned behavioral coach and author of The Trust Trap. Clay offers a radical reframe on trust, arguing it isn't a character trait but a dynamic process of alignment that requires constant evaluation. He reveals why we are the "authors of our own pain" and how we unknowingly fall into the "trust trap" by creating a frozen mental image of others and ignoring real-time data. Clay breaks down the psychology of betrayal, arguing that the most significant betrayals are often the ones we commit against ourselves by ignoring our intuition.  Clay's Website The Trust Trap Book

Picture about a hundred picketers at a Toronto garbage strike, a private investigator filming the scene in case of trouble, and one woman walking straight into the middle of it wearing a homemade "Worm Away Your Garbage" T-shirt. That's Cathy Nesbitt, and it's just one chapter in twenty-three years of building a worm-composting business nobody asked for. By the end of our conversation, she'll also have taught me the actual science behind laughter yoga (yes, it's a real thing, and no, it doesn't involve any actual yoga). Cathy is the founder of Cathy's Crawly Composters, Cathy's Sprouters, and Cathy's Laughter Club, a two-time TEDx speaker, and a health and wellness advocate with a psych degree who's endlessly curious about why people react to her ideas the way they do. We talk about the "ew, worms" comment she heard for the ten thousandth time in 2012, right before discovering laughter yoga changed how she thought about stress for good, and why she believes failure will always feel better than regret. If you've ever sat on an idea because you were scared of what people would say, or you're just looking for a legitimate, science-backed way to defuse road rage, this one's for you. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGJIpfOcbPc In this episode Why Cathy believes "failure will always feel better than regret," and how that mantra carried her through 23 years of a business people said was "gross" The wild story of confronting a union picket line to launch her worm-composting business, and the newspaper interview that came out of it What laughter yoga actually is (hint: it's not yoga), and the "DOSE" of feel-good brain chemicals it triggers Why you physically cannot be stressed and laughing at the same moment, and how Cathy uses laughter yoga behind the wheel to defuse road rage The boundary she wishes she'd set sooner: saying no to unpaid "exposure" events that drained her time for nothing Her advice for anyone sitting on a business idea because of what people might think Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and meet Cathy Nesbitt, worm composting and Laughter Club founder (01:36) Twenty-three years of Cathy's Crawly Composters: the origin story (03:45) The real obstacle of a worm business (hint: it's not the worms) (11:21) The magic of worms: turning a ton of garbage into "black gold" (12:19) Quitting her job to write a six-month business plan (14:52) Confronting a Toronto garbage-strike picket line in her "Worm Away Your Garbage" shirt (18:14) Her first newspaper feature, and the same-day news that her husband was downsized (19:50) "Failure will always feel better than regret" (26:47) 2012: the "ew, worms" comment that nearly ended her mission, and discovering laughter yoga the very next day (28:19) What laughter yoga actually is, and the DOSE of feel-good brain chemicals it triggers (31:32) Using laughter yoga to defuse road rage (32:51) The boundary lesson: saying no to events that weren't the right fit About Cathy Nesbitt Cathy Nesbitt is a health and wellness advocate, the founder of Cathy's Crawly Composters (started in 2002), Cathy's Sprouters, and Cathy's Laughter Club, and a multi-award-winning environmental innovator and two-time TEDx speaker who's introduced worm composting and laughter yoga to more than 100,000 students through her workshops. Connect with her on LinkedIn, or visit Cathy's Club to join her free Laughter Club, Tuesday mornings at 9:30 a.m. Eastern. Favorite quotes "Failure is always going to feel better than regret." —Cathy Nesbitt "We're literally in charge of our own pharma. We get to decide happy, happy chemicals or stress hormones." —Cathy Nesbitt "Don't let people tell you what you're going to like it or dislike. Try it for yourself. You don't know." —Cathy Nesbitt Resources mentioned CathysClub.com: home to Cathy's free Laughter Club, Tuesday mornings 9:30 a.m. Eastern Cathy Nesbitt on LinkedIn Related episodes Are You Avoiding Failure or Guaranteeing It?: dives deeper into the exact "failure vs. regret" tension Cathy lived out for 23 years. Entrepreneurial Success: Habits of a Maverick: another entrepreneur's take on pushing an unconventional idea forward. Overcoming Burnout, Hustle Culture, and Redefining Success: more on stress relief and redefining what success actually costs. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Picture a Pittsburgh brewery on a summer night: live music, a courtyard in a city that's 25 percent Black, and a crowd that isn't. One Black man walks in, looks around, sits down, and leaves before anyone says a word to him. That's the six-dollar-beer story organizational psychologist Dr. Victoria Mattingly tells about a missed moment of allyship, and it's basically the whole blueprint for the workplace culture work she's built her career on. Dr. Mattingly has spent 15-plus years helping organizations become more equitable and human-centered, and she got there by way of a Portland bar, where two visiting industrial-organizational psychologists once described their entire job as "make the lives of employees better." She's since built a two-way model of allyship (imagine matching book covers, one for allies and one for the people they're supporting, each referencing the other), and she brings the same lived-in honesty to her own story: cancer, alopecia, and a mental health recovery she's been navigating since her early twenties. We get into why she'd rather call emotional intelligence a "power skill" than a soft one, how the DEI landscape quietly reshuffled after 2020, and the hard 5 p.m. boundary she holds as a working mom, even when the Zoom call is fun and nobody's making her leave. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRJKZbMwclQ In this episode Why Dr. Mattingly calls emotional intelligence a "power skill," not a soft one, and how that reframe helped her work land with C-suite leaders The mirrored "act like an ally" / "work with an ally" book concept, and why real allyship only works as a two-way partnership A real missed-allyship moment (the six-dollar beer she didn't buy) and how to actually show up as a bystander next time How workplace culture language quietly shifted after 2020, and why some companies rebranded DEI work instead of dropping it Why she believes power skills like emotional intelligence can be trained, not just born with Her hard 5 p.m. boundary as a working mom, and why holding it, even at a fun networking event, matters more than it looks Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and meet organizational psychologist Dr. Victoria Mattingly (01:08) Two I-O psychologists walk into a bar: how she found her field (03:14) Why "soft skills" should really be called "power skills" (05:32) The mirrored "act like an ally" / "work with an ally" book concept (08:17) What allyship actually requires: a real difference, and no personal benefit (11:53) The bystander freeze, and the six-dollar beer she didn't buy (14:06) Cancer, alopecia, and living with mental health issues since her early 20s (19:45) Deciding how much of her own story to put in the book versus the keynote (22:11) From training and development into allyship: the internship that changed her path (25:58) How DEI language shifted after 2020, and why some companies just renamed the work (28:39) Her boundaries lesson: the hard 5 p.m. stop, and caretaking for a parent About Dr. Victoria Mattingly Dr. Victoria Mattingly is an organizational psychologist with more than 15 years of experience helping organizations build more equitable, human-centered workplace cultures. She blends research-backed insights with her own lived experience, including her journey through cancer, alopecia, and mental health recovery, and has served over one hundred companies through her consulting work, Mattingly Solutions. Learn more at Mattingly Solutions, or connect with her on LinkedIn. Favorite quotes "If I can make life at work just a little bit better for a lot of people, I consider that a big win." —Dr. Victoria Mattingly "Don't call yourself an ally. Let someone else call you their ally: that's how you're doing it right." —Dr. Victoria Mattingly "I need to set that precedent, not just for everyone else, which is still an important part of boundaries, but for myself. I need to stay true to that." —Dr. Victoria Mattingly Resources mentioned Mattingly Solutions: Dr. Mattingly's consulting practice Dr. Victoria Mattingly on LinkedIn Inclusalytics, Dr. Mattingly's first book on taking a data-driven approach to DEI Her allyship book, built around mirrored "act like an ally" / "work with an ally" covers, discussed throughout the episode Related episodes How Ego Is Sabotaging Your Leadership: another leadership conversation about what actually changes a company's culture from the inside. Why Neurodiversity Is Important in the Workplace: pairs naturally with Dr. Mattingly's allyship and inclusion work. Emotional Healing Laboratory: The Workplace: more on what makes a workplace genuinely human-centered. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Picture it: married young in college, ten years in, life looking the way it's supposed to, and then the rug gets ripped out from under you. That's exactly what happened to my guest Sarah Brown: an unexpected divorce, sudden single motherhood, and a crisis of faith after divorce she never saw coming. She landed on the bathroom floor in a puddle of tears, shaking her fist at God and demanding answers. Sarah is a Christian author and speaker (her book, Even the Ashes Bloom, is coming soon) who helps women navigate seasons of deep hurt. We get into how her faith went from transactional ("if I do this, God will do that") to genuinely relational, what those first panicked months of single motherhood actually looked like, and the wildfire "fire followers" story that changed how she saw the whole thing: certain wildflower seeds sit underground for years and only bloom after the fire has scorched the earth. If you're sitting in your own ashes right now, wondering if any of it will ever make sense, Sarah's got real, hard-won answers instead of platitudes: how to vet who gets your "tender bits," why "at least it's not cancer" is never the right thing to say to someone, and how healing after divorce can leave you more yourself than you were before. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdsRDs_-gVs In this episode How Sarah's faith after divorce shifted from transactional ("if I do this, God will bless me") to genuinely relational Why she believes the answer to "why does God allow this?" isn't a tidy one, and what she'd say instead What the first panicked months of single motherhood really looked like, and the advice from her brother-in-law that changed everything: "pause and look at the day before you, this moment, the next hour, the next 24 hours" How to "vet" people before sharing your "tender bits," and why not everyone has earned the right to hear your story The wildfire "fire followers" metaphor: how wildflower seeds that wait years underground only bloom after everything burns Why healing doesn't mean rushing your grief, and how journaling helped Sarah see God's faithfulness in retrospect Timestamps (00:02) Welcome and meet Sarah Brown, Christian author and speaker (01:18) Sarah's ashes: an unexpected divorce and sudden single motherhood (02:20) Shaking her fist at God, and sitting in a puddle of tears on the bathroom floor (05:52) How her faith shifted from transactional to relational (08:32) Dana's grocery-cart moment, and the question of why God allows suffering (10:26) Starting therapy as a new single mom, and the shame and perfectionism underneath the grief (12:52) Her brother-in-law's advice: stop planning 17 steps ahead and look at the next 24 hours (16:55) "There is no teacher as effective as pain" (19:01) Why transactional faith fails, in relationships too (21:23) Reading "Boundaries" and learning to set them, in marriage and everywhere else (23:15) Vetting who's safe enough to hear your "tender bits" (26:29) "At least it's not cancer": a lesson in unsafe responses (29:10) The wildfire "fire followers": a metaphor for what blooms after devastation (31:41) Where to find Sarah and her upcoming book, Even the Ashes Bloom About Sarah Brown Sarah Brown is a Christian author and speaker who helps women navigate seasons of deep hurt by anchoring them in faith. She's a former elementary teacher and children's minister, a recipient of the Women of Influence Award from the Nashville Business Journal, the author of over 20 director resource kits for Christian music publishers, and a contributing author to Hope for the Holidays. Her own book, Even the Ashes Bloom, is releasing soon. Learn more at sarahsbrown.com, or connect with her on LinkedIn. Favorite quotes "I believe that we all have ashes that we carry with us." —Sarah Brown "My faith began to shift from transactional to relational." —Sarah Brown "There may be burn scars, just like on the earth there are burn scars after a wildfire, but that place could be where something new and even better is about to emerge." —Sarah Brown Resources mentioned SarahsBrown.com: Sarah's website Sarah Brown on LinkedIn Even the Ashes Bloom, Sarah's upcoming book Hope for the Holidays, the anthology Sarah contributed to Boundaries, the book Sarah was given while going through her divorce Related episodes "You're Not Alone" Interview Series: Surviving Divorce: another first-person account of rebuilding a life after divorce, and a natural pairing with Sarah's story. Divorce Interview Afterthoughts: Dana's own reflections on the divorce conversation above, good context before or after Sarah's episode. What Is This "God" Thing, Anyway?: digs into the same faith questions Sarah wrestles with here, from a different angle. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

A gentle note before you dive in: this conversation touches on severe bullying and self-harm. It's okay to pause, skip ahead, or come back to this one another time. My guest Brianna Brown Keen was 14 when bullying so severe it landed her in the hospital, bullying so bad that her best friend's own father, a judge, told his daughter to stop being friends with her so she wouldn't get bullied too. In that hospital room, something shifted: a calm white light, she calls it, moving through her. She didn't know what her purpose was yet. She just knew, suddenly, that she had one. Brianna is an award-winning actress with more than two decades in Hollywood, known for roles on Dynasty, Devious Maids, General Hospital, and Homeland, and she just finished shooting season four of Netflix's Outer Banks. She's also the founder and CEO of The New Hollywood, a nonprofit she's run for nearly 20 years supporting socially conscious storytellers through grants and mentorship. But we spend most of this conversation on the parts that came before any of that: a career-threatening back injury doctors doubted was real, a mother who modeled victimhood at every turn, and Brianna's hard-won belief that if something in your life isn't working, it simply means there's something you don't know yet. You'll walk away with her theory of "start stopping" limiting beliefs before you can build anything new, why healthy boundaries equal self-love, and why getting comfortable with being uncomfortable is the actual key to living your purpose, not a slogan on a mug. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NX_eA3D3SQo In this episode How severe bullying that led to hospitalization as a teen became the turning point that gave Brianna a sense of purpose Why a career-threatening back injury, and a lawsuit that doubted her pain was real, taught her that despair is allowed in the journey The reframe Brianna uses on every setback: "there's something I don't know yet" How a lonely first year in Hollywood turned into The New Hollywood, the nonprofit she's run for nearly 20 years Why healthy boundaries equal self-love, and what she's seen happen to women who never learned to set them Why getting comfortable with being uncomfortable is the real key to achieving your purpose Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet award-winning actress Brianna Brown Keen (03:53) From the Minnesota suburbs to Hollywood: no money, no connections, cold calls from the yellow pages (04:24) Severe bullying, hospitalization, and the moment that changed everything (09:42) The "calm white light" moment in the psych ward that gave her a sense of purpose (13:23) Limiting beliefs inherited from her mother's "doctorate in victimhood" (16:20) The C-team-to-varsity story: how being believed in changes what you're capable of (18:58) Moving to LA at 19, her grandmother's guilt campaign, and early breaks like "Freaks and Geeks" (20:05) The career-threatening back injury and the lawsuit that doubted her pain (25:01) "There's something I don't know yet": the reframe behind Manifesting Your Mission (27:08) Boundaries as self-love, and what she sees in the women her nonprofit serves (37:34) Where to find Brianna, The New Hollywood, and Manifesting Your Mission About Brianna Brown Keen Brianna Brown Keen is a Minnesota native and an award-winning actress who has worked for over two decades in Hollywood, in projects ranging from top-grossing feature films to Emmy-winning television shows to indie projects she has produced herself. She's often recognized for her roles on Dynasty, Devious Maids, General Hospital, and Homeland, and recently finished shooting season four of Netflix's Outer Banks. She's also the founder and CEO of The New Hollywood, a nonprofit established in 2006 dedicated to supporting socially conscious storytellers and change-makers through grants, goals, and mentorship. Learn more about her coaching and guidebook at Brianna's website, Manifesting Your Mission, or connect with her on LinkedIn. Favorite quotes "I have a theory that if something isn't working in my life, it simply means that there's something I don't know yet." —Brianna Brown Keen "Really healthy boundaries equals self-love. If you love yourself, you're going to set up boundaries." —Brianna Brown Keen "It's okay in the journey to have despair... we have to feel all the feelings to get through it." —Brianna Brown Keen Resources mentioned Manifesting Your Mission: Brianna's guidebook, coaching program, and podcast of the same name The New Hollywood: Brianna's 501(c)3 nonprofit, established in 2006, supporting socially conscious storytellers and change-makers through grants, goals, and mentorship Brianna Brown Keen on LinkedIn Related episodes How to Find Purpose in Your Biggest Struggles: pairs directly with Brianna's reframe of her bullying and injury as the source of her life's work Finding Purpose After Relational Trauma: another guest's journey from a painful family dynamic to a clear sense of mission How You Can Find Hope After Hitting Rock Bottom: echoes Brianna's psych-ward turning point and the hope that followed it Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Stand in the doorway of a networking event with a thousand strangers inside, and tell me your palms don't sweat. Mine do. So do my guest Amy Siegfried's, and she's spent more than 20 years teaching people how to network with confidence anyway. Amy calls herself a recovering "awkward kid" who tried to buy the right shoes to fit in and it never worked, until she stopped performing and started being honest about what she didn't know: no friends in a new country, a scared dad back home, zero clue where the grocery store was. Turns out vulnerability, not polish, is what actually makes people want to talk to you. Amy has built her career around exactly that: corporate networking on a national stage, living and working abroad, starting two companies, and becoming, by her own account and mine, a genuine master of small talk. We talk about why "just start" beats waiting until you feel ready, why networking works better as a relationship than a transaction, and the one question ("what do you do?") she tells everyone to retire for good. You'll walk away with Amy's go-to icebreaker for any room, the game she plays with herself at giant networking events so walking in doesn't feel like walking the plank, and a boundaries lesson about her own calendar that changed how much of herself she gives away. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-4WXNRNcrg In this episode Why "just start" (a LinkedIn comment, a DM, a simple question) beats waiting until you feel confident enough to network The reframe that turns networking from a transactional ask into a two-way relationship Amy's go-to icebreaker to replace "what do you do," and why it opens better conversations How to walk into a room of strangers without wanting to bolt, including the game Amy plays with herself at 1,000-person events Why comparing yourself to "the popular ones" in the room is the wrong move, and what actually draws people in The boundary Amy put on her own calendar early in her career, and why "someone else's boundaries are not your boundaries" Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet networking expert Amy Siegfried (01:54) The awkward kid who became a "master of small talk" (02:56) Moving to Singapore, starting over, and how vulnerability built her first friendships (05:09) An MBA at Notre Dame during COVID, and the classmates who said she made the biggest impact on them (07:05) Finding the courage to be yourself when vulnerability freaks you out (07:08) Why "just start" beats waiting to feel ready (12:24) Networking versus comparison: focusing on the other person instead of your own insecurities (17:04) The two-way street: why networking isn't a transaction (19:44) The "popular kid" theory: why comfort with yourself, not achievement, draws people in (25:07) What to do when you're standing in the doorway of a room of a thousand strangers (27:41) The one question to ask instead of "what do you do" (31:54) The boundaries Amy has learned: "me time," and why someone else's boundaries aren't yours About Amy Siegfried Amy Siegfried has spent more than 20 years effectively engaging with millions of people to build confidence, foster connections, and facilitate meaningful collaborations, from corporate networking on a national stage, to living and working abroad, to starting two successful companies. She has also worked as an adjunct professor, teaching students how to build genuine connections instead of hiding behind a text message. Learn more at Amy's website, or connect with her on LinkedIn. Favorite quotes "The answer is no, unless you ask." —Amy Siegfried "It's not a network, it's not a business card exchange. It's a relationship building opportunity." —Amy Siegfried "Everyone is good at something. Everyone has something to offer." —Amy Siegfried Resources mentioned NetworkOfChampions.com: Amy's list of 45 conversation starters, categorized for icebreakers and follow-ups, built to replace "what do you do?" AmyBSiegfried.com: Amy's website Amy Siegfried on LinkedIn Related episodes Curiosity: The Bridge to Connection: pairs with Amy's advice to ask better questions instead of leading with "what do you do" The Art of True Connection in a Lonely World: expands on the vulnerability-builds-connection theme Amy lives out through her own story Why Successful Entrepreneurs Set Boundaries: a natural follow-up to Amy's "me time" boundary and the line between generosity and burnout Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

My guest today spends his days representing actors, and he kept noticing the same maddening pattern: talented people telling him how badly they wanted the job, then blowing off the audition that would have gotten it to them. Self-sabotage isn't a character flaw, and Dr. Albert Bramante built an entire PhD dissertation, and eventually his coaching work, around figuring out what actually is. Spoiler: it's fear wearing a very convincing disguise. Dr. Bramante is a talent agent with more than two decades in the entertainment industry, holds a PhD in psychology from Walden University, and is a certified hypnotist and NLP practitioner. His research found that a specific personality combination, high neuroticism paired with low conscientiousness, is a recipe for self-sabotage, and he's spent his career since helping performers (and the rest of us) recognize the fear underneath the procrastination, the perfectionism, and the "this project isn't worth my time" excuses we make right before we quit. We get into the science behind the two-minute power pose, what hypnotherapy actually is when it's not a stage act, and Dr. Bramante's own hard lesson about people-pleasing: the year he took on double the standard teaching load hoping it would buy him respect, and got cut first anyway when the budget shrank. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fNkO1mKNt9k In this episode The self-sabotage pattern Dr. Bramante kept seeing in his talent agency clients, and the personality research that explains it Why fear of success is a real, protective (if misguided) mechanism, and how to recognize when it's quietly driving your choices The two-minute "power pose" habit, backed by research, that can change your nervous system before a big moment What hypnotherapy actually is (not the stage-quacking-like-a-chicken kind), and how it can speed up inner-child and confidence work The "happy file" habit for boosting self-esteem and pulling yourself out of a spiral of self-doubt The wake-up call that taught Dr. Bramante overcommitting at work doesn't buy you respect, it gets you cut first Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet talent agent and psychologist Dr. Albert Bramante (01:11) From drama club to a psychology PhD: how one career became three (03:34) Fear of success and self-defeating behavior: the dissertation born from his own clients (05:34) The Big Five personality research behind self-sabotage (07:01) Fear as a protective mechanism, and why actors hear so many no's (10:28) Rewiring identity: from "starving artist" to "professional working actor" (12:24) The two-minute power pose, and the research behind it (13:44) What hypnosis actually is (hint: not the chicken-quacking stage act) (18:16) Inner-child work, free will, and why hypnosis can't make you do anything (23:58) The "happy file": a self-esteem tool from his book (26:02) Toxic high self-esteem vs. healthy self-esteem (29:02) The boundaries lesson that cost him his job, and what it taught him about respect About Dr. Albert Bramante Dr. Albert Bramante is a talent agent with more than two decades of experience in the entertainment industry. He holds a PhD in psychology from Walden University and is a certified hypnotist and NLP practitioner. His dissertation research on fear of success and self-defeating behavior in performing artists grew directly out of patterns he noticed in his own agency clients. Learn more at Dr. Bramante's website, or connect with him on LinkedIn. Favorite quotes "If you combine high neuroticism and low conscientiousness, it's going to be a recipe for self-sabotage." —Dr. Albert Bramante "There's nothing wrong with setting boundaries. And if somebody does not want to accept those boundaries, then you have to evaluate: is this person really worth my time?" —Dr. Albert Bramante "I didn't get the intended outcome that I wanted, which is respect." —Dr. Albert Bramante, on overloading himself with committee work Resources mentioned Dr. Bramante's book on fear of success and self-defeating behavior in performing artists, based on his doctoral dissertation The "happy file" method, from his book, for documenting wins and positive feedback to counter self-doubt Amy Cuddy's power-pose research, referenced in the discussion of two-minute confidence-building poses BramanteArtists.com: Dr. Bramante's talent agency and coaching website Dr. Bramante on LinkedIn Related episodes Are You Avoiding Failure or Guaranteeing It?: pairs directly with Dr. Bramante's research on the fear behind self-sabotaging behavior The Fear Trap: another deep dive into how fear disguises itself as procrastination, perfectionism, and other "problems" How Unresolved Trauma Is Ruling Your Life: expands on the childhood-rooted fears Dr. Bramante addresses through inner-child hypnotherapy work Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

A gentle note before you dive in: this conversation touches on murder-suicide and suicide attempts. It's okay to pause, skip ahead, or come back to this one another time. It's Father's Day. A little tiny town in Upper Michigan, two restaurants, snow in May. My guest is 14 years old, standing in the driveway with her mom, waiting for her dad to grab his coat from the trunk of the car. Except it isn't a coat he pulls out. In under two minutes, Rhonda Britten watched her father murder her mother and take his own life, and then spent the next 20 years believing it was her fault for not stopping it. That's the story Rhonda tells at the start of this one, and I promise you, it only gets more remarkable from there. Rhonda is an Emmy Award winner, a repeat Oprah guest, and a master coach who's worked with people across more than 600 episodes of reality television. She's authored four bestsellers, including "Fearless Living," translated into 16 languages, and founded the Fearless Living Institute. After three suicide attempts and a stint in a psychiatric ward, Rhonda started over like a kindergartner, literally, with a calendar and gold stars, and built what she now calls the Wheel of Fear: the invisible core trigger running your life until you know its name. We get into how to find your own core trigger, why "fear of rejection" and "fear of failure" are almost never the real fear, and why you don't have to feel calm, cool, or together before you act on your Wheel of Freedom. If you've ever wondered what's actually underneath your procrastinating, your people-pleasing, or your perfectionism, this episode hands you the map. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rlSP_QbSW2M In this episode How witnessing her father's murder-suicide at 14 split Rhonda into two people, and the 20-year spiral of alcoholism and three suicide attempts that followed What her third suicide attempt, and the psychiatric ward evaluation after it, actually taught her about starting over The Wheel of Fear quiz that reveals how procrastination, people-pleasing, and perfectionism are all fear responses in disguise, not the real problem How to trace your own "core trigger," the single hidden fear driving your specific self-sabotage Why you don't have to feel calm before you act on your Wheel of Freedom, proven by the true story of a first date in a two-seater convertible The free course Rhonda is offering Phoenix and Flame listeners to build their own Wheel of Fear and Wheel of Freedom Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet Emmy winner and master coach Rhonda Britten (01:19) The worst day of her life: her father's murder-suicide at 14 (03:08) Splitting into "outside Rhonda" and "inside Rhonda" (06:32) The kindergarten reset: a calendar, gold stars, and the seed of courage (07:01) Physical fear vs. emotional fear, and 20 years of insisting she had none (11:06) What the Wheel of Fear actually is, and why it works to stay hidden (12:35) The fear-response quiz: nod your head if any of these sound familiar (18:58) Finding your core trigger: Rhonda's own is "loser" (23:19) Tracing a fear response back to its root, and what to do if you can't find the moment (25:53) The Wheel of Freedom and "essential nature": Rhonda's is "authentic" (31:41) The convertible-car story: acting on your Wheel of Freedom before you feel ready (36:17) Where to find Rhonda, her books, and her free "Stretch, Risk, or Die" course About Rhonda Britten Rhonda Britten is an Emmy Award winner, a repeat Oprah guest, and a master coach who has worked with people across more than 600 episodes of reality television. She has authored four bestsellers, including her seminal book "Fearless Living," which has been translated into 16 languages, and she founded the Fearless Living Institute, home of the Fearless Living Life Coach Certification Program. Learn more and browse her books at FearlessLiving.org, or connect with her on LinkedIn. Favorite quotes "The worst days of our lives are really the seed of our destiny." —Rhonda Britten "In order to pick the lock on your Wheel of Freedom, you got to act now, whether you're shaking, whether you're crying." —Rhonda Britten "There's nothing wrong with you. It's just fear." —Rhonda Britten Resources mentioned FearlessLiving.org: Rhonda's website and home of the Fearless Living Institute Rhonda's books, including "Fearless Living," translated into 16 languages Stretch, Risk, or Die: Rhonda's free course walking through the Wheel of Fear and Wheel of Freedom in three 15-minute videos, with templates and worksheets Rhonda Britten on LinkedIn Related episodes The Fear Trap: pairs directly with Rhonda's Wheel of Fear framework for another angle on how fear quietly runs the show How Unresolved Trauma Is Ruling Your Life: a natural follow-up to Rhonda's own trauma-to-freedom journey How Your Survival Brain is Sabotaging Your Happiness: digs into the neurobiology behind the fear responses Rhonda and Dana discuss Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

What does it actually take to make someone stop long enough to overcome burnout instead of just pushing through it? For Jessica Hallahan the answer was a hospital bed at 24: covered in hives, twenty pounds lighter in a month, her knees too swollen to zip her own jeans, and fighting to keep her eyes open on the drive from her day job to her night shift bartending. Doctors tested her for Lyme disease, thyroid disease, and diabetes before her primary doctor finally asked the real question: when's the last time you sat still long enough to actually feel your own feelings? That, boundaries sojourners, is what burnout recovery starts with, and it doesn't knock politely. It runs you off the road. Jessica has a master's in public health and now runs Journey to Yourself, the coaching practice (and podcast) she built out of that reality check. We get into why "I have to do it all" is a lie your nervous system eventually sends you the bill for, why the transactional version of helping people ("I'll do this so you'll do that for me") is quietly exhausting you, and why 80 percent of workplace stress traces back to one fixable thing: you not saying the thing out loud. You'll walk away with Jessica's litmus test for knowing when a "yes" has quietly turned into resentment (hint: it starts with an eye twitch), the case for treating two minutes of peace like a non-negotiable meeting, and a reminder I give my own clients constantly: nobody else is coming to keep you together. That job is yours. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wxz8VuTGGZU In this episode Why saying "no" is a form of self-care, not selfishness, and how to spot when helping has slid into over-committing The hospital-bed wake-up call that turned a burnout-and-a-car-accident scare into Jessica's life's work Why 80% of workplace stress comes down to miscommunication, and the two things (tone and body language) most of us forget to manage How to break a people-pleasing pattern with a coworker who keeps dumping work on you, without becoming the office villain Why boundaries are flexible, not a ten-foot cinder block wall, and how to check in with yourself before you say yes The mindfulness reframe (minus the buzzwords) that makes staying present in the moment actually manageable Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet stress educator Jessica Hallahan (02:24) The rock-bottom story: hives, swollen knees, and falling asleep at the wheel at 24 (04:24) Why so many of us, women especially, put ourselves last (09:03) The transactional trap in relationships: "I'll do this so you'll do that" (11:46) Mindfulness minus the buzzwords: presence without judgment (14:58) What actually happens when you set a boundary (hint: not rainbows) (18:56) Breaking the pattern: what to do when a coworker keeps dumping work on you (21:25) Why enabling isn't kindness, and what it costs a team (25:53) What happens when we expect people to read our minds (27:16) The 80% workplace-stress stat, and the fix hiding in plain sight (31:48) Where to find Jessica and her free resources About Jessica Hallahan Jessica Hallahan holds a master's in public health and works as a speaker and stress management health educator. At 24 she was hospitalized because of burnout, and she built Journey to Yourself, her coaching practice and podcast, to help other people work through the same thing. Find her free resources and ways to work with her at Jessica's site, or connect with her on LinkedIn. Favorite quotes "If I don't make time for me, who will? That's on me." —Jessica Hallahan "Statistically, 80% of our work stress is caused by miscommunication." —Jessica Hallahan "When we assume, we make an ass out of you and me." —Jessica Hallahan Resources mentioned Journey to Yourself: Jessica's website, blog, and free resources, including the podcast of the same name Jessica Hallahan on LinkedIn: her Journey to Yourself 101 page with regular stress and boundary-setting reminders Related episodes How to Spot Burnout Before It's Too Late: pairs directly with Jessica's story, digging into the early warning signs before you land in a hospital bed How to Reclaim Your Energy When You're Burned Out: the recovery-side follow-up to the burnout Jessica describes surviving at 24 People-Pleasing and the Sticky Rope: goes deeper on the "put yourself last" pattern Jessica names as the root of her own burnout Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

"We want a wife too." That's the joke Heather Powers and her girlfriends at work used to make: someone at home scheduling the appointments, running to the dry cleaners, keeping the household Tetris moving so they could focus at the office. Heather has spent almost 19 years as a working mom in Washington, D.C. management consulting, and during the pandemic she found herself sitting with three schedules at once (hers, her son's, her daughter's), making sure everybody logged on to virtual school at the right time. That's when it crystallized for her: the traditional 9-to-5 wasn't built for the way most families actually run. Heather grew up the daughter of a construction worker and a teacher in rural New Hampshire, moved to D.C. for what she calls "this mythical thing" called corporate life, and climbed to an executive role at one of the large management consulting firms, all while raising two kids. She's since founded The Power Lane, a consultancy that helps organizations and individuals accelerate toward their goals, and written a book by the same name making the business case for why working mothers are exactly who companies need right now. We get into the corporate return-to-office fight Heather helped win for flexible work, why she thinks negotiating with a toddler prepares you for anything a boardroom can throw at you, and the very specific way she wants you to start asking for what you actually need at work. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQSOD1tl08c In this episode Why "we want a wife too" is the joke working moms make, and what it reveals about who's actually doing the invisible labor at home How the pandemic crystallized Heather's mission to advocate for working parents, three overlapping school schedules at a time Why project management, budgeting, and negotiation are skills parenting already taught you for free, and how to name them in a job interview The return-to-office fight Heather helped her organization win by refusing to accept a one-size-fits-all mandate Why staying quiet about what you're juggling at home trains your employer to assume you have none of it How to actually make the ask at work instead of hoping someone eventually notices what you're carrying Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and intro: meet Heather Powers, founder of The Power Lane (01:54) From rural New Hampshire to nearly 30 years in Washington, D.C. management consulting (05:08) Finding the courage to leave home, and "you can't be what you can't see" (08:44) Founding The Power Lane, and why working moms became her focus (09:38) How the pandemic (and three overlapping school schedules) crystallized her mission (10:32) Winning the fight against a one-size-fits-all return-to-office mandate (11:57) The supervisor pushback that became her real turning point: "we are all at breaking points" (14:46) "We want a wife too": the invisible labor working parents carry, and why it's cultural, not just personal (19:34) Why leaders and companies have to change, and how to actually make the ask for what you need at work (22:19) The superpowers working moms build: project management, time management, negotiation (26:36) Heather's book, The Power Lane, and the business case for hiring working mothers (29:54) What Heather would say to a mom who's discouraged and afraid right now (31:07) Heather's offer: a free 30-minute consultation for the first 17 listeners who reach out About Heather Powers Heather Powers is the founder and CEO of The Power Lane, a consultancy that guides organizations and individuals to accelerate toward their business and revenue goals. After almost 19 years as a working mother in Washington, D.C. management consulting, including time as an executive at one of the large firms in the industry, she now writes and speaks on building workplaces that actually work for working parents. She's the author of the book The Power Lane. Learn more at Heather's website, or connect with her on LinkedIn. Favorite quotes "You can't be what you can't see." —Heather Powers "If you can negotiate with a toddler about eating vegetables, you can pretty much handle anything in a boardroom." —Heather Powers "We want a wife too, right? We want that woman at home or somebody at home to be scheduling the appointments." —Heather Powers Resources mentioned The Power Lane by Heather Powers: her book making the business case for working mothers in the workforce HeatherLanePowers.com: Heather's website Heather Powers on LinkedIn Related episodes Navigating Perimenopause in the Corporate World: more on the corporate structures that weren't built with women's real lives in mind. From Adversity To CEO: Victoria's Path to Leadership: another working woman's climb into leadership, and what she had to unlearn along the way. Setting Boundaries for Well-Being and Success: more on the boundary-setting Heather describes doing with her own calendar and workload. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

A gentle note before you dive in: this conversation touches on addiction and loss of a spouse. It's okay to pause, skip ahead, or come back to this one another time. Dr. Cali Estes was sitting on her floor eating cake with her hands, crying, with cake on the wall and cake on the dog, when her roommate walked in and said, "That's not normal." Cali's response: "What's not normal? This is what we do." She was 23, wanted to be an FBI agent, and had no idea she was already deep in a food addiction that a college counselor would later wave off ("you're not bulimic, you're not anorexic, so you're just fat") and a doctor would try to fix with a diet pill that was, at the time, still legal. That diet pill (Fen-Phen, later pulled from the market for killing people) sent her looking for something stronger, and it took two ER visits and one doctor blunt enough to drop an F-bomb before she found her way to a yoga mat instead of a meeting room. Cali is now an addictions coach who's built her career on the idea that recovery isn't one-size-fits-all: the traditional meeting model works for some people and leaves plenty of others, like her, feeling worse instead of better. She's the founder of Sober On Demand and the Addictions Academy, a five-times #1 bestselling author, and a regular voice on CNN, Forbes, and more. We get into her simple two-week test for telling casual use from addiction, the exact boundary she draws with parents who keep rescuing an addicted adult child, and why she believes loving someone sometimes means refusing to be the one who saves them. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mVIwbDaq4Cs In this episode Dr. Cali's simple two-week test for telling casual use from addiction Why the traditional 12-step meeting model works for some people, and made her own addiction worse How a hot yoga class, not a treatment center, became the turning point in her own recovery The difference between therapy and coaching, and why she made the shift to coaching in 2012 Her "brain dump" exercise for clearing ruminating thoughts before they spiral The boundary she tells parents to hold when an adult child's addiction keeps putting everyone in danger Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and intro: meet addictions coach Dr. Cali Estes (01:24) Wanting to be an FBI agent, and the night that led to a cake-eating breakdown on the floor (02:52) "You're just fat": a counselor's dismissal, and the diet pill that made things worse (04:26) Trying NA and OA, and why the snack table almost pulled her back into using (04:55) The addiction class where she scored "20 out of 20" on her professor's checklist (05:55) No health insurance, no rehab: how a friend dragged her to hot yoga instead (07:24) Ten sun salutations before you open the fridge: the practice that started to work (08:23) What she saw working in treatment centers, and why she quit on the spot (10:32) Why the meetings work for fellowship but not the therapeutic piece, and the shift to coaching in 2012 (16:15) The two markers Dr. Cali uses to tell functional use from addiction (17:51) Trading the drug for the meeting: why some people get stuck in the rooms (20:26) The "brain dump" exercise for clearing ruminating thoughts (22:52) The mother who bought heroin with her son, and the boundary Dr. Cali drew (31:39) Advice for women scared to start a business: freedom over money About Dr. Cali Estes Dr. Cali Estes is an addictions coach and the founder of Sober On Demand and the Addictions Academy, the online addiction and mental health education school she describes as the largest of its kind. She's a five-times #1 bestselling author and host of the podcast Unpause Your Life, and her expertise has been featured on CNN, NBC, ABC, MSN Money, CNBC, CBS, Fox News, KTLA, Forbes, HBO, the LA Times, People Magazine, and The Drew Show. Learn more at Dr. Cali's website, or connect with her on LinkedIn. Favorite quotes "Your vice isn't your problem. It's your solution to a problem." —Dr. Cali Estes "So love is setting a boundary." —Dr. Cali Estes "I simply say, can you go two weeks without it?" —Dr. Cali Estes, on her test for spotting a real addiction Resources mentioned Sober On Demand: the recovery company Dr. Cali founded The Addictions Academy: her online addiction and mental health education school Unpause Your Life: Dr. Cali's own podcast CaliEstes.com: Dr. Cali's website Dr. Cali Estes on LinkedIn Related episodes Journey From Addict to Award-Winning Author: Interview with Melanie Yates: another guest who rebuilt an entire identity and career on the other side of active addiction. Healing from Trauma and Addiction: Dr. Stephan Neff's Journey: more on the trauma underneath addiction, the piece Dr. Cali says the meetings rarely address. Trauma Impact: From Codependency to Self-Mastery: a closer look at the codependency and enabling patterns Dr. Cali describes in the families of people she coaches. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

In this episode, Dana is joined by Kate Semeniuk, a Rapid Transformational Hypnotherapist, to explore the unseen forces in our minds that hold us back. Have you ever known logically what you need to do—like set a boundary or say no—but found yourself unable to act? Kate reveals how subconscious beliefs, often formed in childhood, create these internal conflicts. She explains that fear and suppressed anger are not weaknesses but misguided protection strategies from a younger self. This conversation is for anyone ready to stop fighting their own mind and finally align their actions with their intentions, reclaiming control over their life and happiness. Kate's LinkedIn Kate's Website

The cardiologist walked in, looked at the chart, and skipped hello. He looked Michael Levitt dead in the eye and said, "You know, you should be dead right now." Michael's first wife and mother, sitting beside him, started crying. Michael looked back and said, "I see you skipped a bedside manner class in medical school." That's the kind of guy you're dealing with: the kind who can crack a joke about his own near-fatal heart attack. But the blockage in his "widow maker" artery wasn't a joke. It was burnout, built over two years of six a.m. to eleven p.m. shifts, seven days a week, and it nearly killed him. Michael is the founder of the Breakfast Leadership Network and calls himself the Chief Burnout Officer (a title, he says, that came to him in the shower). In the twelve months after that heart attack, he also lost his job during the Great Recession, had the family car repossessed, and came home one weekend to find his house padlocked in foreclosure. All of it, he says now, traces back to the same root: he was burned out, and he ignored every warning sign his own family kept pointing out to him. We get into the sleep, diet, and calendar checks Michael now runs with coaching clients to catch burnout before it becomes a hospital visit, why "no" is a complete sentence, and the almost embarrassingly simple color-coding trick that shows you, at a glance, whether you're actually taking any time for yourself. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNQv1ftYwtk In this episode The three questions Michael asks every coaching client to check for burnout: sleep, diet, and calendar Why the biggest red flag of Michael's own burnout wasn't work related at all (he stopped going to baseball games) How one year of untreated burnout led to a heart attack, job loss, a repossessed car, and a foreclosed home The calendar color-coding trick that shows you, at a glance, whether you're scheduling any time for yourself Why financial stress is one of the most dangerous, and most overlooked, burnout accelerants How Michael uses curiosity instead of blame to help clients figure out what they're really chasing Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and intro: meet Michael Levitt, the "Chief Burnout Officer" (01:28) How burnout first took hold, working 6 a.m. to 11 p.m. as a healthcare startup executive (02:50) Getting numb: how burnout convinces you to just keep working through it (05:54) The cardiologist's blunt warning: "You should be dead right now" (10:12) The year burnout cost Michael his health, his job, his car, and his house (13:02) The mental health toll of burnout: anxiety, depression, and feeling stuck in a "black place" (17:11) The red flag everyone else saw before Michael did: he stopped going to baseball games (19:33) Boundaries, delegating, and why "no" is a complete sentence (21:55) The three questions Michael asks clients to check for burnout: sleep, diet, calendar (26:15) The calendar color-coding trick for spotting how much "me time" you're actually getting (33:03) Michael's free book, Burnout Proof, and his parting advice About Michael Levitt Michael Levitt is the founder of the Breakfast Leadership Network, a media firm dedicated to addressing burnout and improving workplace culture, and calls himself the Chief Burnout Officer. After his own burnout led to a heart attack, job loss, and home foreclosure within a single year, he built a coaching practice around catching those same warning signs early, in himself and in his clients. Learn more at Breakfast Leadership, watch his video podcast on YouTube, or connect with him on LinkedIn. Favorite quotes "I see you skipped a bedside manner class in medical school." —Michael Levitt, to the cardiologist who told him he should be dead "My burnout led to all of those things happening." —Michael Levitt "No is a complete sentence." —Michael Levitt Resources mentioned Burnout Proof by Michael Levitt: his book, available as a free download from his website BreakfastLeadership.com: Michael's media company, focused on burnout and workplace culture Michael's video podcast on YouTube Michael Levitt on LinkedIn Related episodes Finding Freedom After Success-Fueled Anxiety: recorded the week before this one, with Matt Gerlach on what burnout feels like from the inside before it reaches a hospital visit. Overcoming Burnout, Hustle Culture, and Redefining Success: more on untangling your identity from the hustle that burned you out. How to Reclaim Your Energy When You're Burned Out: a newer conversation on rebuilding after burnout has already taken hold. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Matt Gerlach built himself a million-dollar-a-year consulting business, and twice ended up in the hospital convinced he was having a heart attack. The day he started that business, eight years ago, what he calls "obsessive worrying" moved in and never left. He smoked a pack of cigarettes a day, drank more than he should have, stopped sleeping well, and didn't clock any of it as a health problem, because the business was working. That's success-fueled anxiety: the version that shows up right on schedule with everything going well. Matt has spent 15 years helping dozens of startups scale to seven, eight, and nine figures, but that resume doesn't mention the boundary he was too scared to set, or the fact that his grandmother's constant worry and his mother's stress migraines had already written a chunk of the script for his own anxiety before he ever noticed. He eventually trained as a yoga instructor, and it was sitting in that training, surrounded by other adults talking openly about their mental health, that he realized his childhood carried a lot more sadness and unprocessed trauma than he'd ever let himself admit. We get into how he learned to tell the difference between discomfort you push through and pain that means stop, why he now treats every wake-up call as an invitation instead of a failure, and the simple question he asks anxious clients who can't sleep: what's actually on your mind, and why? Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0OZ-anJAfU In this episode Why anxiety and depression can show up right when your business finally starts working, and how to catch the warning signs earlier than Matt did The yoga-mat framework Matt uses to tell "sit through it" discomfort from "stop right now" pain How Matt grew a million-dollar consulting business by learning to advocate for fair pay and hold his own boundaries Why family patterns of anxiety and worry can shape your own long before you ever notice it happening A simple journaling exercise for figuring out what's actually driving a sleepless, anxious night Why Matt walked away from that million-dollar business seven months ago to build something that felt more like him Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and intro: meet entrepreneur and coach Matt Gerlach (01:38) How boundaries and learning to say no led Matt into coaching (03:55) The yoga framework: discomfort you sit through vs. pain that means stop (05:31) Survival, not passion: why Matt became an entrepreneur in the first place (08:04) The traits Matt has seen separate people who thrive as entrepreneurs (14:54) Setting boundaries is Matt's own responsibility, and no one else's (19:55) Hitting rock bottom: anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts after starting his first business (24:38) The wake-up call: those symptoms were telling him not to start that business in the first place (27:00) Journaling your way to what's actually bothering you (31:28) Holistic health first: why Matt tries the accessible stuff before medication (35:13) Where to find Matt, and his free Friday Brunch Club for LA locals About Matt Gerlach Matt Gerlach has spent 15 years helping dozens of startups scale to seven, eight, and nine figures. He built his own consulting and services business to seven figures before stepping away from it seven months ago. He's a certified yoga instructor and now works with entrepreneurs and executives grappling with self-doubt and anxiety, guiding them toward more freedom and impact in their businesses and lives. Learn more at Matt's website, or connect with him on LinkedIn. Favorite quotes "I had to learn that it's my responsibility to set boundaries. It's my responsibility. Like my life is my responsibility." —Matt Gerlach "When a client says no to you, when a job says no to you, it's an invitation to get more creative about how to get a yes." —Matt Gerlach "I don't think there's any mistakes in life. I don't think there's like wrong or waste." —Matt Gerlach Resources mentioned 10x Is Easier Than 2x: the book Matt says he's listened to four times, on why entrepreneurs should pay their people well enough that losing them would hurt Erin French's memoir about building The Lost Kitchen restaurant (title not stated on air), which Matt references as an example of unaddressed pain outlasting any amount of medication The Friday Brunch Club: Matt's free, biweekly gathering for "cool, interesting people" at his home in Los Angeles; reach him directly to be invited MattGerlach.com: Matt's website Matt Gerlach on LinkedIn Related episodes How to Spot Burnout Before It's Too Late: recorded the same week as this one, with Michael Levitt on the physical warning signs Matt describes here from the inside. Overcoming Burnout, Hustle Culture, and Redefining Success: more on rebuilding a definition of success that doesn't cost you your health. How Your Survival Brain Is Sabotaging Your Happiness: the biology behind the "obsessive worrying" Matt describes living with for years. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Host Dana Skaggs sits down with Abagail McKiernan, founder of the nonprofit HelpLink, to uncover the deeply personal story that inspired her mission. What began as a moment of isolation became a movement rooted in unconditional generosity. Together, they explore how giving without expectation can restore dignity, forge authentic community, and remind us that the kindness we extend often finds its way back when we need it most. Abagail's Linkedin  HelpLink

A gentle note before you dive in: this conversation touches on sexual assault. It's okay to pause, skip ahead, or come back to this one another time. Katharine Giovanni attempted suicide in the eighth grade. She grew up in what she calls a "pickled family" (both parents were alcoholics), got bullied for not fitting into anybody's box, and spent years wearing her survivor story like an outfit: I lived through this, look at me. Then her mother fell down a flight of stairs, dried out in the hospital, and the two of them spent a few years closer than sisters, before her mother died of breast cancer. That was Katharine's flashpoint. She got sober (35 years and counting), and eventually built an entire method for how to forgive someone, even the person you're positive doesn't deserve it. I've watched enough people get told to "just forgive" and sent off with zero instructions to know how empty that advice is. Katharine is a three-time bestselling author of more than a dozen books, including her latest, The Ultimate Path to Forgiveness: Unlocking Your Power, and she's the first to say the unforgivable doesn't have to be forgiven right away, or maybe ever. Her method starts with the easy people and works up to the hard ones, ranking everyone on a scale of one to ten and never skipping straight to your tens. We get into her exact forgiveness mantra, why forgiveness is 100 percent compatible with never speaking to someone again, and why (yes, you read that right) you can absolutely forgive someone who's already dead. This is forgiveness with the boundaries left on, and that's exactly the kind I can get behind. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUCd3I_EAY4 In this episode Why "just forgive them" advice fails, and the step-by-step method Katharine built instead The difference between forgiving someone and reconciling with them (you can do one without ever doing the other) Katharine's forgiveness mantra, and how to use it alone at home in under five minutes Why you can forgive someone you'll never speak to again, including people who have already died Why "forgive and forget" is a myth, and what actually changes in your body when you truly let go How forgiveness and boundaries work together instead of against each other Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and intro: meet forgiveness coach and author Katharine Giovanni (01:33) Why everyone tells you to forgive and nobody teaches you how (02:00) Katharine's "pickled family," being bullied, and a suicide attempt in eighth grade (05:06) Her mother's fall, rehab, and death from breast cancer: the flashpoint that got her sober (06:16) Reconciliation isn't the goal: "just because I forgive you doesn't mean I want a relationship with you" (09:43) Stop letting them live rent free in your head (15:03) The forgiveness mantra, step by step (15:30) The rule: start with the easy people, work up to the "tens," never more than ten at a time (20:12) How to forgive the truly unforgivable (21:04) Forgiveness, justice, and boundaries: why they're not the same thing (24:03) Forgiving the pieces of a memory: the desk, the playground, even the year itself (25:32) What happened in Katharine's body when she forgave too many people at once (33:42) Where to find Katharine and her book About Katharine Giovanni Katharine Giovanni is a three-time award-winning bestselling author and speaker who has written more than a dozen books, including her latest, The Ultimate Path to Forgiveness: Unlocking Your Power. A survivor of stage three breast cancer and a turbulent childhood, she spent years teaching people how to run concierge businesses before retiring from that work in 2020 to focus on the forgiveness method she developed in 2021. Learn more at Katharine's website, or connect with her on LinkedIn. Favorite quotes "Forgiveness is selfish. You do it for you. You don't do it for them." —Katharine Giovanni "Just because I forgive you doesn't mean I want a relationship with you." —Katharine Giovanni "Stop letting them live rent free in your head. You need to forgive them and move on." —Katharine Giovanni Resources mentioned The Ultimate Path to Forgiveness: Unlocking Your Power by Katharine Giovanni: her latest book, and the source of the step-by-step forgiveness method discussed throughout the episode KatharineGiovanni.com: Katharine's website Katharine Giovanni on LinkedIn Related episodes The Jungle of Forgiveness and Boundaries - Can They Co-Exist?: Dana's own earlier deep dive into the exact question this episode answers. Getting Pulled Into the Past: Our Shame Response and the Impact of Unprocessed Trauma: more on why old wounds keep firing until you actually process them, the same territory Katharine's method covers. How to Reclaim Your Power from Shame: a newer conversation on taking your power back from old pain, a natural next listen after this one. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

A patient once told me, in confidence, that his love language was physical touch, but he couldn't just ask for it. So instead he leaned into a reputation as a player and used sex as the vehicle to get the one thing he actually wanted: to be held. That story is exactly why traditional masculinity is failing so many modern relationships, according to my guest today, licensed marriage and family therapist Kristal Desantis. Men are more touch-starved than most of us realize, she says, and the old script never gave them another way to ask for it. Kristal specializes in relationships, trauma work, and sex therapy, and her insights have been featured in Newsweek, HuffPost, The Good Men Project, and Time. She grew up surrounded entirely by women, in a family of six girls, then moved from Japan to an American women's college and got her first real look at male culture working in a sports bar. That outsider curiosity became her life's work: understanding why the old three P's of masculinity (protector, provider, procreator) collapsed almost overnight, while nobody built men a new script to replace it. We get into the "masculinity trap" (criticized for being too stoic, then judged the moment you open up), why so many men are touch-starved, and the first two pillars of Kristal's STRONG model: safety and trust. If you've ever wondered why the men in your life seem damned if they do and damned if they don't, this one's for you. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HObnxsijlHY In this episode Why the old three P's of masculinity (protector, provider, procreator) don't work in modern relationships anymore The "masculinity trap": criticized for being too stoic, then judged for opening up Why so many men are touch-starved, and how that quietly shapes their choices The STRONG model's first two pillars: safety (the four S's) and trust Why "getting the ick" from a man's vulnerability keeps men stuck in performance mode A practical first step for anyone whose worth has gotten tangled up in money, height, or status Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet Kristal Desantis, licensed marriage and family therapist (00:57) Growing up around women, then discovering American dating culture from a sports bar (05:50) The old three P's of masculinity: protector, provider, procreator (09:53) Why men are people too, and where are the resources for their emotional growth (11:28) "Damned if I do, damned if I don't": vulnerability and getting "the ick" (14:03) A patient's confession: using sex as a stand-in for touch he couldn't ask for (16:40) Building the STRONG model for action-oriented men, like veterans and first responders (16:40) The four S's of safety: self-awareness, self-regulation, stability, being safe with emotions (23:14) The "multi-option woman, no-option man" trap, and dating by wallet (25:43) One practical tip for men without a support system after a bad date (27:22) Trust, attachment styles, and repairing a broken promise (32:27) Where to find Kristal's book, Strong: A Relationship Field Guide for the Modern Man About Kristal Desantis Kristal Desantis is a licensed marriage and family therapist known for her expertise in relationships, trauma work, and sex therapy. Her insights have been featured in Newsweek, HuffPost, The Good Men Project, and Time. She is the creator of the STRONG model of relational therapy and the author of "Strong: A Relationship Field Guide for the Modern Man," available in print and on Audible. Connect with her on LinkedIn, or visit her website at strong.love. Favorite quotes "Nobody else gets to tell you how much of a man you are." —Kristal Desantis "You can't bring the stability if you are the chaos." —Kristal Desantis "Masculinity is not something that you have to perform. It's not something you have to earn." —Kristal Desantis Resources mentioned Strong.love: Kristal's website Kristal Desantis on LinkedIn "Strong: A Relationship Field Guide for the Modern Man," Kristal's book, available on Amazon and Audible "The Boy Crisis," referenced for the "multi-option woman, no-option man" framing Related episodes The Art of True Connection in a Lonely World: more on building the kind of emotional safety Kristal describes. Vulnerability, Authenticity, and Connection: An Interview with Coach Lee Hopkins: another conversation on what it costs men to stay guarded. Finding Purpose After Relational Trauma: pairs with Kristal's chapter on trust and repairing broken promises. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

My guest became friends with a homeless man from her church and took it as a sign from God, confirmation that her volunteer work with homeless people was on the right track. A few months later, during a snowstorm, she invited him to stay in her home instead of a shelter, because, she says, "I'm a nice person, that's why I do this." A few weeks later, that man was practically living with her, and she felt trapped in her own home. That's the moment Barb Nangle hit what she calls her "codependent bottom" in 2015, at 52 years old, after decades of therapy and self-help work that had never once given her the word she actually needed: codependent. What followed was a crash course in relational trauma, the kind that doesn't come from one explosive event but from years of quiet, ongoing emotional invalidation. Barb is a boundaries coach, speaker, and the founder and CEO of Higher Power Coaching and Consulting, and she hosts the podcast "Fragmented to Whole: Life Lessons from 12 Step Recovery." She walks me through the haphazard, meandering path that took her from a church parking lot to Codependents Anonymous to Adult Children of Alcoholics, and how nine and a half years of 12-step recovery quietly taught her to build boundaries before she even had the word for what she was doing. We get into what relational trauma actually looks like when your childhood home had food, a lawn, and parents who loved you, why "don't talk, don't trust, don't feel" are the three rules that keep dysfunctional families running, and how to hold a boundary calmly instead of waiting until you explode. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8_HlHgFMww In this episode Why relational trauma can look like a quiet "drip, drip, drip" of emotional invalidation, not one big explosive event Why relational trauma doesn't require physical abuse to be real, and how comparing your pain to someone else's can retraumatize you The three dysfunctional family rules: don't talk, don't trust, don't feel Why healthy boundaries start with naming your top five values, not with confrontation How to hold a boundary calmly instead of waiting until you explode Why "you're not being disloyal to the family, you're being disloyal to the dysfunction" Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet Barb Nangle, boundaries coach and founder of Higher Power Coaching (01:00) Hitting a "codependent bottom" in 2015, and a homeless man named Dan (01:54) The ACA meeting: "we reparent ourselves" (08:51) Why relational trauma doesn't require physical abuse: "you've experienced 100% of your trauma and 0% of other people's" (11:45) Why the person who sets the boundary gets attacked in dysfunctional families (16:06) "Denial is the glue that holds dysfunctional families together" (18:31) How 12-step recovery accidentally taught Barb to build boundaries (22:23) Practical boundary examples: bedtime, smoking, weekend emails (24:52) What to do when someone pushes back on a new boundary (28:36) Why setting a boundary doesn't have to be confrontational (31:57) Where to find Barb's free Boundary Building Starter Kit About Barb Nangle Barb Nangle is a boundaries coach, speaker, and the founder and CEO of Higher Power Coaching and Consulting. She hosts the podcast "Fragmented to Whole: Life Lessons from 12 Step Recovery," which recently passed its 300th episode. After hitting a "codependent bottom" in 2015 at age 52, she found healing through Codependents Anonymous, Adult Children of Alcoholics, and Overeaters Anonymous, and has lost over 100 pounds from her top weight along the way. Learn more at Barb's website, or grab her free Boundary Building Starter Kit. Her podcast is at fragmented2whole.com. Favorite quotes "You're not being disloyal to the family, you're being disloyal to the dysfunction." —Barb Nangle "Denial is the glue that holds dysfunctional families together." —Barb Nangle "Building healthy boundaries got me into integrity with myself. It got me to live in alignment with my values." —Barb Nangle Resources mentioned HigherPowerCC.com: Barb's coaching website Boundary Building Starter Kit: Barb's free multimedia kit, with videos, worksheets, and an article for anyone who says yes when they want to say no Fragmented to Whole: Barb's podcast, "Life Lessons from 12 Step Recovery," including a playlist of episodes specifically on boundaries Related episodes Boundaries - Why Can't I Set Them?: more on the boundary-setting work Barb builds her coaching practice around. Getting Pulled Into the Past: Our Shame Response and the Impact of Unprocessed Trauma: pairs with Barb's story of unearthing childhood relational trauma. Why Traditional Masculinity Is Failing Modern Relationships: another conversation on how relational trauma and trust get rebuilt in adult relationships. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

One of my guest's interview subjects took a fully remote marketing job and spent her first weeks scanning her new coworkers' faces on Zoom, trying to find any signal for what actually mattered at that company. She'd read a coworker's email and think, that has to be sarcasm. Then she'd get on camera with them and realize, oh my gosh, they were dead serious. That's what adapting to the modern workplace looks like now: equal parts wave and bewilderment. Craig Mattson, an organizational researcher and communication professor, spent years interviewing rising professionals about exactly this, and the metaphors he landed on (a wave of digital overwhelm, and the life raft you build to survive it) are why we're talking today. Craig is a professor at Calvin University and the author of "Digital Overwhelm," built from dozens of conversations with Gen Z and millennial professionals navigating the intensities of the early 2020s workplace. He and I dig into what remote work quietly steals from us (facial cues, tone, trust) and what it sometimes hands back (safety, control, fewer unwanted approaches), plus why personality and home life shape how well any of us cope when the tech breaks down, which it always does. We also tackle the question I know a lot of you are sitting with right now: if my job doesn't feel meaningful, should I quit? Craig's answer isn't a yes or no. It's four different postures people take toward meaningless-feeling work, and by the end you'll know which one you're in, and what to do about it. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kzx6rGKTfjE In this episode Why remote work strips away the nonverbal cues that used to tell you what's actually going on at your job The four different ways people find meaning at work, and why "should I quit?" doesn't have one right answer How the digital-era "wave" of overwhelm hit every generation differently, from Gen X to Gen Z Why some personalities cope better with tech breakdowns than others, and how to borrow their calm What Craig's interviews revealed about remote work as an unexpected safety net for some women dealing with workplace harassment Dana's "cup of water in an ocean" reframe for anyone who feels like their work doesn't matter Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet Craig Mattson, organizational researcher and author of Digital Overwhelm (01:30) Why Dana started Phoenix and Flame: the fire, the ashes, and the rebirth (02:59) The wave and the life raft: Craig's metaphors for digital-era work (07:10) The Zoom call where every email sounded like sarcasm until she saw their faces (14:02) Remote work, harassment, and the surprising safety of controlling your own camera angle (18:41) Why personality and temperament shape how well people cope with tech breakdowns (20:34) The mom who ran client calls with her kids pulling at her kneecaps (29:43) "If my job doesn't feel meaningful, should I quit?" (29:46) The four postures toward work: world-changers, therapists, thespians, and skeptics (35:44) Dana's "cup of water in an ocean" reframe (36:39) Where to find Craig and his book, Digital Overwhelm About Craig Mattson Craig Mattson is an organizational researcher and professor at Calvin University in the field of communication. His research centers on the vocational experience of rising professionals, particularly Gen Z and millennials, and the intensities and pressures of the American workplace across generations. He is the author of "Digital Overwhelm," built from interviews with dozens of rising working professionals about coping with digital-era work. Connect with him on LinkedIn, or read his writing at The Mode Switch. Favorite quotes "All our models are wrong and some of them are useful." —Craig Mattson "We have to become mindful of how our tools are shaping our work experience, and sometimes distorting our work experience." —Craig Mattson "It's possible that you can find a posture towards your work that's sustainable, even if your job does feel kind of empty." —Craig Mattson Resources mentioned "Digital Overwhelm," Craig's book, built from interviews with rising professionals about coping with digital-era work pressures Craig Mattson on LinkedIn The Mode Switch, Craig's blog Related episodes Signs of a Mismatched Career and How to Make a Change: more on Craig's exact question, should I quit if my job feels meaningless? Why Neurodiversity is Important in the Workplace: another look at what today's workplace owes every kind of employee. How Your Survival Brain is Sabotaging Your Happiness: pairs with Craig's take on coping with modern-day overwhelm. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

My guest bought a little plastic herb keeper for his fridge, all excited about eating fresher food. His daughter picked it up, immediately threw it on the ground, and it broke into a million pieces. He didn't yell. He didn't say a word. He just turned his back on her. That quiet moment, he says, is exactly how shame gets passed down without anyone meaning to do it, and it's a perfect case study in what Matt O'Neill calls your "survival brain": the part of you that's wired to feel negative, not because something is wrong with you, but because that's literally its job. Matt is a happiness educator and the author of "Good Mood Revolution," where he teaches conscious happiness: an intentional practice of catching the eight negative moods that hijack all of us (shame, overwhelm, hopelessness, and more) and swapping them for the eight positive ones. He's also a dad of four, runs two companies with $8 million in revenue and 80-plus employees, and somehow got his company named the number one place to work out of 470,000 companies in the state of South Carolina. Spoiler: gratitude had a lot to do with it. We dig into why "I'll be happy when everything is perfect" is a lie that will chase you your whole life, the two habits Matt uses that take zero extra time (shower affirmations and a two-word ritual the second his feet hit the floor), and his "Grab the Rope" story for anyone who feels like life is beyond hope right now. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAZc1-QjFHc In this episode Why "I'll be happy when..." is a trap that never delivers, no matter how much you achieve How your survival brain turns ordinary stress into shame, and how to catch it in the act Two zero-extra-time habits (shower affirmations and a two-word wake-up ritual) that rewire negative self-talk The "Grab the Rope" story for anyone in a real crisis who feels hopeless Why gratitude is the fastest way out of a "meh" mood, and how it helped make Matt's company the #1 place to work in South Carolina How to be happy WHILE life is messy, instead of waiting for it to be perfect Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet Matt O'Neill, happiness educator and author of Good Mood Revolution (01:20) Spinning plates: four kids, two businesses, and the trap of keeping up with the Joneses, and the lie that "if I just make everything perfect, then I'll be happy" (07:21) The eight negative moods, and the one underneath all of them: not feeling enough (10:43) The herb keeper story: how shame gets passed down without a single harsh word (13:25) Reprogramming a lie into a truth by writing new affirmations (16:55) The "no extra time" myth: shower affirmations and the two-word wake-up ritual (20:18) Dana's own gratitude experiment, and why journaling her feelings wasn't working (27:07) "Grab the Rope": the fable for anyone feeling hopeless (32:19) Why no one is really self-made, and what that means for asking for help (37:14) Where to find Matt and the Good Mood Revolution podcast About Matt O'Neill Matt O'Neill is a happiness educator and the author of "Good Mood Revolution: Igniting the Power of Conscious Happiness," which he also hosts as a weekly podcast. He is a father of four and co-runs two companies with $8 million in revenue and more than 80 employees, one of which was named the number one company to work for out of 470,000 companies in the state of South Carolina. Learn more at Matt's website, or connect with him on LinkedIn. Favorite quotes "Until I learn to be happy while everything is uncomfortable and messy, I'll never be happy." —Matt O'Neill "The truth is a hundred times more powerful, a thousand times more powerful, than the lie." —Matt O'Neill "You got to grab the rope." —Matt O'Neill Resources mentioned MattONeill.com: Matt's website Matt O'Neill on LinkedIn "Good Mood Revolution: Igniting the Power of Conscious Happiness," Matt's book, discussed throughout the episode (chapter three is "Grab the Rope") The Good Mood Revolution podcast, Matt's weekly show on building happiness habits Related episodes How You Can Find Hope After Hitting Rock Bottom: another take on climbing out of the hopelessness Matt calls "grabbing the rope." Adapt or Drown: Finding Your Life Raft in the Modern Workplace: more tools for staying steady when life (and work) feels like too much. How to Spot Burnout Before It's Too Late: pairs with Matt's take on the "survival brain" behind chronic overwhelm. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Picture a teenager waking up at 3 a.m. to study for AP Biology, reading the same paragraph over and over, and it just will not go in. That was Khushboo Chabria in high school, years before anyone said the word ADHD to her. She carried that "something is wrong with me" feeling all the way into her thirties, into a career as a clinician who was, ironically, already serving neurodivergent kids every day. Neurodiversity in the workplace is not an abstract diversity-statement topic for her; it is her own life, cracked open at 31 when a late ADHD diagnosis finally explained a lifetime of unanswered questions. Khushboo works with Neurodiversity Pathways at Goodwill of Silicon Valley as a career coach and mental health advocate, helping neurodivergent professionals enter and thrive in their careers. We talk about what happened when she brought her new diagnosis back to her own workplace (it did not go the way she hoped), the mindset shift she now teaches organizations, trading judgment for "compassionate curiosity," and why neurodiversity, like biodiversity or cultural diversity, is simply normal, not a problem to fix. If you have ever felt underestimated, misunderstood, or like you were somehow doing life "wrong," this conversation is for you. We get into how to self-advocate when you do not have the words for what you need yet, common workplace misconceptions about neurodivergent behavior, and how to find your people when your current workplace is not one of them. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h-l678RVMlo In this episode Why a late ADHD diagnosis is not "too late": it can answer a lifetime of unanswered questions about why you felt misunderstood The mindset shift from judgment to "compassionate curiosity" that changes how teams treat neurodivergent coworkers Why "when you meet one neurodivergent person, you've only met one," and what that means for how you support others How to advocate for your own accommodations before anyone else names them for you Common workplace misconceptions about neurodivergent behavior, and why "office humor" is not a universal language Where to find community if you suspect you are neurodivergent and feel like you are the only one Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet Khushboo Chabria, neurodiversity specialist and career coach (01:41) Diagnosed with ADHD at 31, as a "burnt out clinician" (04:45) The 3 a.m. study sessions, and a lifetime of "if only you would..." (06:38) Taking her diagnosis back to work, and slowly feeling managed out (10:36) What neurodivergence actually means, and why it's normal (14:38) The manager who said, "I don't want you to keep trying to prove you can do all the things" (16:27) Common misconceptions about neurodivergent behavior at work (17:25) From lenses of judgment to lenses of "compassionate curiosity" (23:52) How to advocate for yourself in a workplace that isn't working for you, and the book "Neurodiversity for Dummies" (29:41) Finding community, and advocacy groups like ASAN (32:38) Where to find Neurodiversity Pathways at Goodwill of Silicon Valley About Khushboo Chabria Khushboo Chabria is a neurodiversity specialist, career coach, and mental health advocate with Neurodiversity Pathways at Goodwill of Silicon Valley, where she coaches neurodivergent professionals entering or navigating their careers. Diagnosed with ADHD at 31 after years of working as a clinician serving neurodivergent children, she is a co-author of the book "Neurodiversity for Dummies," published this year. Connect with her on LinkedIn. Favorite quotes "When you meet one neurodivergent person, you've only met one." —Khushboo Chabria "It's not really about the label, it's about the individual." —Khushboo Chabria "Instead of jumping to a conclusion, get curious, ask why." —Khushboo Chabria Resources mentioned Khushboo Chabria on LinkedIn "Neurodiversity for Dummies," the book co-authored by Khushboo's team, discussed as a resource for neurodivergent individuals, parents, educators, and managers Neurodiversity Pathways at Goodwill of Silicon Valley, Khushboo's organization, including their Career Readiness Training program for neurodivergent job seekers ASAN (Autistic Self Advocacy Network), mentioned as a Bay Area advocacy resource Related episodes Anxiety at Work: another look at what it takes to feel safe and supported inside the modern workplace. How to Reclaim Your Energy When You're Burned Out: pairs with Khushboo's own burnout story before her diagnosis. Adapt or Drown: Finding Your Life Raft in the Modern Workplace: more on what today's workplace demands of every kind of brain. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Someone asks you a simple question, "What do you want?" and your brain just stops. Not stalls. Stops. That's what happened to coach Arnold Beekes in his first coaching session, in his 40s, after decades running technology and organizational leadership teams. Nobody had ever asked him that before. Not once. Arnold grew up with a father whose will "was the law," spent 20 years in tech and organizational leadership and another 20 in psychology and personal leadership, and now helps people do what he calls the art of unconditioning. We get into why he says most 25-year-olds have only ever learned to meet other people's expectations, his puppy-raised-as-a-cat analogy for what happens when we're forced into someone else's mold, and why comparing yourself to anyone else, in his words, is a waste of time, because nobody else is you. You'll leave with his starting point for figuring out what you actually want instead of what you were trained to want: be a beginner again. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PdgpQdZXcY4 In this episode Why Arnold couldn't answer "What do you want?" in his 40s, and what that reveals about how most of us are raised The puppy-raised-as-a-cat analogy for what happens when we're conditioned to be someone we're not Why comparing yourself to other people (or other people's methods) is a trap, and what to do instead The "art of unconditioning": Arnold's process for taking back your power and starting to think for yourself How to build self-acceptance and self-confidence without needing anyone else's approval first Why conforming to society's basic rules (stop at red lights, don't cut the line) isn't the same as living someone else's life Timestamps (21:47) Welcome and meet coach Arnold Beekes (after a couple of technical restarts) (22:21) Growing up with "my father's will was the law" (23:36) The bio line that stuck with Dana: "conditioned to live someone else's life" (26:16) The coaching question that stopped him cold: "Arnold, what do you want?" (28:11) Living your own life versus conforming for safety and approval (29:33) The puppy-raised-as-a-cat analogy (34:12) Finding balance between conforming and rebelling (38:05) Respecting your own uniqueness, and other people's (40:18) Why comparing yourself to other people's methods sets you up to fail (43:29) Moving from "not good enough" to self-acceptance (49:30) The art of unconditioning, explained (54:08) Where to find Arnold and his work About Arnold Beekes Arnold Beekes helps people move from fitting in to flying out. He grew up in an environment of extreme conformity, with a father who was a military officer both at work and at home. In his career, Arnold spent 20 years in technology and organizational leadership, then 20 years in psychology and personal leadership. Learn more at Arnold's website, or connect with him on LinkedIn. Favorite quotes "By the time most people, when you're 25, the only thing what you have learned is meeting expectations of other people." —Arnold Beekes "Just because I'm living my own life doesn't mean I'm a rebel." —Arnold Beekes "Every person in this world is totally unique." —Arnold Beekes Resources mentioned braingym.fitness: Arnold's website, home to his coaching work on the art of unconditioning Arnold Beekes on LinkedIn Related episodes The Courageous Life: Crafting Your Own Terms: same core question as Arnold's "what do you want" moment, from a different angle. Finding Yourself: Ascension From Childhood Dysfunction: another guest's journey out of a conditioning-heavy upbringing and into a life that's actually theirs. Why Young Adults Are More Stuck Than Ever: pairs with Arnold's point that by 25, most of us have only learned to meet other people's expectations. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

In this episode, Brad Chandler shares his journey of overcoming unresolved childhood trauma. Brad reveals how his subconscious belief of "not being enough" led to two divorces, millions in business losses, and struggles with anxiety and addiction. He explains that these negative behaviors were not flaws, but outdated survival mechanisms created by his brain in childhood. His breakthrough came not from traditional therapy, but through memory reconsolidation—a technique that rewrites the faulty neural pathways driving these actions. By accessing the subconscious mind, he was able to heal the root cause of his pain. Brad's Linkedin Brad's Linktree  

Chapter one of my guest's book is called "You're Fabulous and At Risk," and that's basically the resilience plan talk your inner high-achiever needs. Dr. Marie-Hélène Pelletier, a psychologist, executive coach, and author of The Resilience Plan, spends her career telling capable, driven leaders the thing they don't want to hear: being good at your job is not, on its own, a resilience plan. Marie-Hélène has a doctorate in psychology and an MBA, and she translates between the corporate world and the mental health world for a living. We get into why leaders assume they don't need support because they're paid more and get to make the decisions, her winter-driving analogy for why high performers underestimate risk right up until they're stuck in the ditch, and the very concrete difference between hoping you'll be resilient and actually having a plan. You'll walk away with a question worth asking before the next demand hits: is your current "I've got this" actually a plan, or just a habit you haven't been tested on yet? Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uxREMeXw5xg In this episode Why "winging it" works right up until it doesn't, and why high-performing leaders are usually the last to notice The "You're Fabulous and At Risk" mindset: how competence and burnout risk can both be true at the same time Dr. Pelletier's winter-driving analogy for why leaders underestimate demands they're actually unprepared for Why leaders assume they don't need support because they're paid more and get to make the decisions, and why that's backwards How to build a personal resilience plan instead of just hoping you'll cope when the next crisis hits Why framing change as energizing instead of threatening starts with having enough margin to absorb it Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and meet Dr. Marie-Hélène Pelletier, psychologist and author of The Resilience Plan (04:15) Bridging psychology and business, and why she focused on resilience specifically (07:45) What's different about the resilience leaders need versus everyone else (11:58) Why high performers wait too long to invest in their own mental health (15:27) The problem with "I'll just wing it when I get there" (20:00) The winter-driving analogy: having the tools before you need them (25:20) "You're Fabulous and At Risk": the story behind the chapter title (31:05) Change as a chronic demand, and building margin instead of burnout (32:39) Reframing change as energizing instead of a threat (35:23) Where to find Dr. Pelletier and The Resilience Plan About Dr. Marie-Hélène Pelletier Dr. Marie-Hélène Pelletier is a psychologist, executive coach, and author of The Resilience Plan, with over 20 years of experience as a leadership psychologist and senior leader in the corporate, insurance, governance, and healthcare sectors. She is a member of the Global Clinical Practice Network of the World Health Organization and a past director on the boards of the Canadian Psychological Association and the International Association of Applied Psychology. Learn more at The Resilience Plan, or connect with her on LinkedIn. Favorite quotes "We're fabulous and at risk if we don't have a plan." —Dr. Marie-Hélène Pelletier "This is Olympic level. We need to pay attention to those choices on a daily basis." —Dr. Marie-Hélène Pelletier "We cannot bank on natural factors or conditions to appear when we need them." —Dr. Marie-Hélène Pelletier Resources mentioned The Resilience Plan by Dr. Marie-Hélène Pelletier: drmarie-helene.com/book Free strategic-resilience-plan worksheets Dr. Pelletier offers listeners (mentioned in the episode; no direct link was provided in the source content) Dr. Marie-Hélène Pelletier on LinkedIn Related episodes From Adversity To CEO: Victoria's Path to Leadership: another leader's take on resilience, this time from Victoria Pelletier's "Iron Maiden to Turtle" journey (a different guest, same last name). How to Spot Burnout Before It's Too Late: pairs with Dr. Pelletier's warning about high performers who don't notice they're at risk until they're stuck. How to Reclaim Your Energy When You're Burned Out: practical next step for anyone who recognized themselves in the "winging it" pattern. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Ten euros was all fitness coach Petar Krastev had when he left Bulgaria at 22, headed for eighteen months of homelessness in a UK lock-up garage with no electricity or running water. He was fleeing unpaid bills and a toxic relationship he couldn't simply walk away from (there was a two-year-old girl depending on him too). Once he got there, he went to the gym every single day. Not to train, at first. Just for the free showers. Four years and a broken promise later (he helped heal his ex's health condition, saved enough to buy a car, and she posted a photo with another guy the same day), Petar rebuilt from nothing again, this time chasing entrepreneurship while cycling in and out of his own training. Every time he quit the gym to "focus on the business," his confidence, his self-esteem, and the business itself all cratered within months. At 28, out of options, he prayed. He says everything changed the next day. Now he coaches entrepreneurs and executives on the exact intersection he lived through: fitness, faith, and business, and why you can't fully separate any of the three. If you've ever told yourself you'll get back to the gym once work calms down, Petar's got the receipts on why that trade never actually pays off. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4f2_xiVJ14 In this episode How Petar went from sleeping in a lock-up garage with no electricity to founder of CoachPK, his fitness and business coaching brand Why he stayed in a toxic relationship for nearly four years, and what finally let him get out The pattern he kept repeating for years: quit training to "focus on the business," then watch confidence, productivity, and the business itself fall apart Why he believes nobody can reach their full potential without staying fit, no matter how much money or success they have The prayer Petar says changed his life "like night and day," and how faith now guides every business decision he makes What Petar tells clients who think fitness is optional once the business gets demanding Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and meet fitness coach Petar Krastev (01:28) Leaving Bulgaria with 10 euros and a bag of clothes (03:32) Living in a lock-up garage: donuts, gym showers, and being alone (05:31) Why he stayed in a toxic relationship for nearly four years (09:41) What he sacrificed, and the toughest part of being alone (12:11) What kept him going: responsibility to his parents, and the gym (14:36) The intersection of fitness and entrepreneurship (16:01) The cycle: quitting training, then watching everything fall apart (20:08) Finding faith at 28, and the prayer that changed everything (24:45) Building one of the best health and fitness communities on Clubhouse (28:03) Words of encouragement for skeptics of faith (30:19) Where to find Petar and his community About Petar Krastev Petar Krastev is the founder of CoachPK, a fitness coach and business owner with a passion for both health and entrepreneurship. He works with a members-only community of entrepreneurs and business-minded people spread across the US, UK, and Europe on the intersection of fitness and business performance. Learn more at Petar's website, or connect with him on LinkedIn. Favorite quotes "I made it. I made it somehow. It took me years." —Petar Krastev "Everything changed like night and day." —Petar Krastev, on the day after he prayed "I don't think you have any chance of fulfilling your own potential without keeping fit." —Petar Krastev Resources mentioned pk.coach: Petar's website and fitness/business coaching community Petar Krastev on LinkedIn Related episodes Surviving Toxic Relationships: Interview with Shannon Petrovich: another firsthand account of staying in, and finally leaving, a relationship that was quietly costing everything. Troy Hadeed: A Yoga Expert's View on Christ, Religion, and Divine Connection: pairs with Petar's story of faith reshaping how he approaches both health and work. How to Spot Burnout Before It's Too Late: the flip side of Petar's stop-training-to-work-more cycle, and how to catch it before it wrecks you. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Limiting beliefs are the invisible walls we build before we're even old enough to know we're building them, and my guest, happiness coach Yvonne Trost, found hers out the hard way: in an actual apartment fire that took everything she owned. Yvonne is the co-founder of Limitless You, and she's lived the both/and of coaching: a devastating apartment fire, a marriage that turned mentally and physically abusive until her seven-year-old asked her to get a new daddy, and a corporate career that paid the bills and drained her soul. She walks us through her three-step framework (realize, recode, rewrite), the neuroscience behind why your imagination beats logic every time, and why she rewrote Einstein's equation for her clients: mindful thinking, raised to the power of compassion and curiosity. You'll leave with her favorite tool for flipping "what if" into "why not," and a reminder that the fear keeping you safe is usually the thing keeping you stuck. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8J1JIkNmETs In this episode Why an apartment fire that took everything became the moment Yvonne started asking "is this happening for me, not to me" The warning signs she lived through before finally leaving an abusive marriage, and what her seven-year-old said that made her act The "realize, recode, rewrite" framework Yvonne uses to help clients find and change subconscious limiting beliefs Why your imagination beats logic every time, and how to use that instead of fighting it The simple mindset shift, "what if" to "why not", that stops fear of the unknown from keeping you small Why self-health isn't selfish, and how avoiding your own needs teaches the people you love to avoid theirs Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and meet happiness coach Yvonne Trost (02:24) The apartment fire that took everything, and the lesson buried in it (04:49) Leaving an abusive marriage: "Mommy, can you get me a new daddy?" (07:06) Desperation vs. inspiration: what actually pushes people to change (08:53) Why she named her company Limitless You (11:39) Her Einstein-inspired formula: mindful thinking raised to the power of compassion and curiosity (16:17) The fear of the unknown, and why it keeps us small while feeling safe (20:25) Locus of control: why looking outside yourself increases anxiety (22:38) The realize-recode-rewrite framework and how hypnotherapy fits in (25:37) Why your imagination beats logic every time (27:25) Shifting from "what if" to "why not" (31:26) Neuroplasticity: rewiring the negative story (33:08) Where to find Yvonne's website and free resources About Yvonne Trost Yvonne Trost is the co-founder and happiness coach at Limitless You, where she blends neuroscience, quantum physics, and hypnotherapy to help people break free from conscious and subconscious limiting beliefs. She is a divorced mom of two who has walked away from both an unfulfilling marriage and a career that didn't fit, and now helps others make the same kind of transformation. Learn more at Yvonne's website, or connect with her on LinkedIn. Favorite quotes "The fear of the unknown keeps us small, but we believe it keeps us safe." —Yvonne Trost "Your imagination will beat logic every single time." —Yvonne Trost "Self-health is not selfish." —Yvonne Trost Resources mentioned Limitless You: Yvonne's website, home to her free resources including a locus-of-control quiz and the "limiting belief lie detector" tool she mentions in the episode Limitless Life: Yvonne's five-week program for reclaiming the power of your imagination Yvonne Trost on LinkedIn Related episodes Your Logical vs. Subconscious Mind: Who's Really in Control?: digs deeper into the subconscious-mind territory Yvonne's realize-recode-rewrite framework works in. The Power of Intuition in Personal Growth: another angle on trusting what's underneath the fear when you're deciding what comes next. Surviving Toxic Relationships: Interview with Shannon Petrovich: pairs with Yvonne's story of leaving an abusive marriage. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Picture an 11-year-old kid clocking hours at a hair salon, doing everything except the actual hair, because nobody else was going to hand her a better life. By 14 she was assistant manager of a shoe store, bossing around employees twice her age. By 24 she was a chief operating officer. That's how Victoria Pelletier's leadership journey started, and it's the answer to a question a lot of us are quietly asking: how does someone build real, lasting success out of a childhood that gave her nothing to build on? Victoria is a 20-plus-year corporate executive, board director, bestselling author, and the exec her former colleagues nicknamed the "Turnaround Queen" and "the CEO Whisperer." For years she led like the other nickname she earned: the Iron Maiden. Encased, closed off, no vulnerability allowed. It took one gut-punch comment from a colleague to make her rebuild into what she now calls a turtle instead (tough shell, soft head poking out). We get into that shift, why she's an outspoken advocate for DEI as an openly queer woman who was "the only one" in the room for years, and the actual boundaries, the calendar blocks, the delegated laundry, the one rule she breaks on purpose, that let her run a life instead of just surviving one. You'll walk away with real language for setting boundaries at work without apologizing for them, and a clear case for why inclusive workplaces perform better, not just feel nicer. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kw-Pf6Bhk3g In this episode How a chaotic, adopted childhood became the drive that took Victoria from an 11-year-old shop clerk to a chief operating officer by 24 Why the "Iron Maiden" reputation she built to survive corporate leadership actually cost her, and the offhand comment from a colleague that forced her to change The "turtle" mindset: how to stay tough and resilient while still leading with empathy and vulnerability Real boundaries Victoria sets (and the one she deliberately breaks) to protect her time, her health, and her family Why DEI isn't a "tick the box" cost center, and what actually happens to retention and revenue when companies get it right What it means to lead by "fair, but not equal" when every employee's situation is different Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and meet Victoria Pelletier: chief operating officer at 24, president by 35, CEO by 41 (01:33) Starting work at 11, managing a shoe store at 14, and the drive that came from a hard start (07:28) The insecurity behind the confidence, and where the "Iron Maiden" nickname came from (09:50) From Iron Maiden to Turtle: the comment from a colleague that forced a change (12:56) Fake it till you make it versus real self-acceptance (17:36) Real boundaries: blocking her calendar, delegating chores, and the one boundary she breaks on purpose (21:50) Being an openly queer executive, and why DEI became her passion (24:40) The real benefits of DEI, and where companies still get it wrong (30:00) Boundaries at work and why hard conversations get easier (32:55) Where to find Victoria's TEDx talk and her books About Victoria Pelletier Victoria Pelletier is a 20-plus-year corporate executive, board director, bestselling author, and professional public speaker, nicknamed the "Turnaround Queen" and "the CEO Whisperer" by former colleagues and employers. She was one of the youngest chief operating officers at age 24, a president by 35, and a CEO by 41. Learn more and find her books at Victoria's website, or connect with her on LinkedIn. Favorite quotes "Even when I do not feel it, I've always shown up with confidence." —Victoria Pelletier "I will not do things that don't bring me personal or professional joy or value." —Victoria Pelletier "It's going to be fair but not always equal." —Victoria Pelletier Resources mentioned Victoria's TEDx talk on resilience (referenced in the episode; no link was provided in the source content) Unstoppable: the anthology where Victoria is a contributing author Influence Unleashed: Victoria's book on personal branding and trust in business relationships The Power of Whole Human Leadership: Victoria's book on her journey from "Iron Maiden" to "Turtle" Radical Candor by Kim Scott: the book Victoria says reflects her long-standing leadership philosophy Victoria's Books Victoria Pelletier on LinkedIn Related episodes Stop Winging It: A Leader's Guide to Resilience: another take on high-achiever burnout risk, this time from psychologist Dr. Marie-Hélène Pelletier's "you're fabulous and at risk" framework. Why Successful Entrepreneurs Set Boundaries: more on the calendar-blocking, delegate-it-or-drop-it boundaries that let high performers actually sustain their pace. How to Build a Workplace Culture That Lasts: pairs with Victoria's DEI section on what it actually takes to keep diverse talent from walking out the back door. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

In 2019, Robert Hunt and his wife Cathy sat down and did the math they'd been avoiding: $90,000 in debt, not counting the house or the cars. They'd spent years angry at God, angry at the economy, angry at their clients, asking why the blessings weren't coming. Robert says God's answer, as he heard it, was blunt: "I gave you so much money. What'd you do with it all?" So they sold the house, paid off every dollar, and moved into a rental. They were debt-free the week COVID shut down the world. Robert calls that the moment he stopped being responsible and started being accountable, and he says most of us have no idea there's a difference. Robert is known as "The Accountability Guy," a business owner in the Dallas-Fort Worth area who's run CEO peer groups since 2013 and co-authored the book Nobody Cares Until You Do. We get into why owning your life isn't the same thing as being responsible for it (responsible is showing up to therapy, accountable is doing the work after), why "I can't" is almost always "I won't" wearing a disguise, and the blunt, almost funny gut-check his wife's dad taught her: if it's 10:30 in the morning and you've already run into three jerks today, you're the common denominator, not them. We also talk about the shame that keeps people blame-shifting instead of owning their part, and why Robert believes you were born a 10 and you'll die a 10, no matter how badly you're currently playing the role in front of you. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_aiZr97B7lM In this episode The real difference between being responsible (doing something) and being accountable (owning it and finishing the thing), and why most of us stop at the first one How Robert and his wife paid off $90,000 in debt by selling their house, and the peace that showed up once the anxiety of "if I lose one client, I'm screwed" was gone Why "I can't" almost always means "I won't," and the reframe that turns excuses into actual choices The free satisfaction assessment Robert uses to help clients see, in writing, exactly where they're playing victim instead of owning it Why shame keeps people blame-shifting, and Robert's identity-versus-role fix ("you were born a 10 and you'll die a 10") How Robert's business doubled, then doubled again, in the two years after he and his wife got honest about their own accountability Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and intro: meet "The Accountability Guy," Robert Hunt (01:25) Eleven years running CEO peer groups, and the 2019 reckoning with $90,000 in debt (03:26) Why people cling to the victim role, and the difference between responsible and accountable (08:47) The frog-in-boiling-water problem: why denial hits everyone around you harder than it hits you (10:08) "If it's 10:30 and you've run into three jerks, it's not them": his wife's dad's gut-check (18:36) Identity versus role: why you were born a 10 and you'll die a 10 (22:04) The free satisfaction assessment: writing down what you don't like and asking why (23:52) "Acknowledge, embrace the suck, find a solution, make it happen": the book's four-step process (23:52) Selling the house, paying off the debt, and the peace that arrived once the weight was gone (30:21) Where to find Robert: his coaching practice, the book, and his on-air offer to mail a free copy to listeners who reach out About Robert Hunt Robert Hunt, known as "The Accountability Guy," is a business owner in the Dallas-Fort Worth area who has run executive CEO peer groups since 2013. He is the co-author of Nobody Cares Until You Do, written with his wife Cathy after they paid off $90,000 in debt and rebuilt their marriage, finances, and health around the practice of true accountability. Learn more about his coaching and CEO groups at REFDallas.com, take the free satisfaction assessment or learn about the book at NobodyCaresBook.com, or fill out the contact form at NobodyCaresPod.com with the code word PHOENIX for a free copy of the book, an offer Robert made on the show to listeners who reach out that way. Favorite quotes "Nobody cares if we're broke and unhappy in our marriage and frustrated with our finances and our business until we care enough to do something about it." —Robert Hunt "Responsible is doing something. Accountable is owning it and doing the thing." —Robert Hunt "You were born a 10 and you will die a 10. ...The role that you play, you may suck as an employee, you may struggle as a spouse, you may struggle as a parent. That's the role you play. But no role will ever be any higher than the identity you give yourself as a human." —Robert Hunt Resources mentioned Nobody Cares Until You Do by Robert Hunt NobodyCaresBook.com: home to the free satisfaction assessment mentioned in the episode REFDallas.com: Robert's CEO peer groups and executive coaching practice NobodyCaresPod.com: use code word PHOENIX for a free copy of the book, per Robert's on-air offer Related episodes Are You Avoiding Failure or Guaranteeing It?: more on the self-sabotage and excuse-making Robert calls out in this episode. How to Reclaim Your Power from Shame: a deeper dive into the shame that keeps people blame-shifting instead of owning their part. The Courageous Life: Crafting Your Own Terms: Marni Battista's story of taking ownership of a life that no longer fit, a strong companion to Robert's message on accountability. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Winnie Rodgers describes a specific, strange feeling: standing outside her own body, looking down at herself, thinking "nothing is wrong here" while everything in her actually knew something was wrong. Intellectually, on paper, her life checked every box. Her real estate business was thriving. But she'd built all her structure, her habits, her boundaries, for her work life, and none of it for her personal life. So when her personal life went sideways, she had nothing to catch her, and no practice noticing her own intuition telling her so. Winnie is a top real estate agent in Charleston, South Carolina, and a marketing strategist with over two decades of experience who now teaches college classes on values and branding. We talk about what it actually looks like to trust your intuition instead of overriding it with your intellect, and the specific, real-world version of that problem for women in sales: the nights out, the drinks, the "cool girl" persona that keeps the deal alive, and how to say no to an inappropriate advance from someone with power over your business without burning the bridge. Winnie doesn't offer platitudes here. She tells you exactly what she says now, word for word, when someone crosses a line. We also get into the morning ritual that keeps her grounded through a job that requires her to be "on" and shiny for everyone else, and why the industry's brutal first-year attrition rate has less to do with talent than with whether you've done the work to know yourself. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5kXNscWnQPc In this episode Why Winnie's business stayed rock-solid while her personal life fell apart, and what that revealed about where she had (and hadn't) built healthy boundaries The exact, no-excuse way Winnie now says no to a man crossing a line, without giving a reason that becomes ammunition ("I'm not interested in having dinner with you," full stop) Why she wishes she'd built a strong circle of women around her sooner, ones who'd check her, not just men she trusted who couldn't How Winnie learned to trust her intuition again after years of overriding her body's signals with "intellectually, nothing is wrong" Her actual morning ritual (reading in bed, a green drink, breathing, sage) for showing up "on" all day without losing herself Why a slow month in real estate isn't a crisis if you've learned to trust the cycle, and what to do with that downtime instead of panicking Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and intro: meet real estate expert and marketing strategist Winnie Rodgers (05:12) Standing outside her own body: what it felt like to ignore her intuition (08:19) Why her business stayed steady while her personal life spun out (11:48) Real estate's after-hours culture, and the "shiny cool girl" pressure to never leave the table (15:49) The advice for women who don't want to burn a bridge but don't want to cross a line either (22:53) The exact words Winnie uses now to say no, without an excuse to argue with (26:53) What has helped Winnie navigate the instability of entrepreneurship and sales (35:18) Winnie's grounding morning ritual: reading, a green drink, breath, and sage (40:10) Where to find Winnie: Instagram and her teaching website About Winnie Rodgers Winnie Rodgers is a dynamic real estate expert and marketing strategist with over two decades of experience in digital and print marketing, and a top real estate agent in Charleston, South Carolina. She also teaches classes built around values and branding. Connect with her on Instagram, or learn more about her teaching at Winnie's website. Favorite quotes "I'm not interested in having dinner with you. [...] In the past, I would have given a reason, I would have given an excuse, I would have softened it so that it didn't hurt his feelings." —Winnie Rodgers "I felt like I knew my business better than I knew myself at that time." —Winnie Rodgers "It isn't necessarily that you're not good at it. It is that there's something that is challenging or pushing against one of your boundaries or one of your values, and you just haven't identified it yet." —Winnie Rodgers Resources mentioned Winnie Rodgers on Instagram: @winnieandcompany Winnie's website: home to her teaching on values and branding Related episodes Curiosity: The Bridge to Connection: Mette Reebirk on questioning the mind's stories, a great companion piece to Winnie's case for trusting the body's signals instead. How to Trust Your Intuition After Trauma: more on learning to hear and trust your own intuition again. Boundaries - Why Can't I Set Them?: Dana's own deep dive into what actually gets in the way of setting the boundary you know you need. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Close your eyes for a second. Go ahead, really do it. Mette Reebirk asked me to try this live on the show, and within a breath there was a voice in my head going, "this is weird, I hope this doesn't last too long." Then a second voice: "come on, be positive, she has a plan." Then Mette asks the real question: who's the one watching those two voices argue? That's the whole episode in miniature. We have around 60,000 thoughts a day, she says, coming and going like clouds, and you do not have a single feeling, not anxiety, not shame, not anger, that wasn't created by a thought you believed to be true for a moment. Mette is an author and executive coach who's spent over two decades helping experienced leaders question their thoughts and free themselves from anxiety. Seven years ago, after decades in senior leadership (president of an investment-attraction organization, international director at a university, and director of corporate relations at another), she got fired, not for the first time in her career, and started her own consultancy from scratch, not entirely sure what she had to offer once the company logo was gone. What she found, working with laid-off executives who "on paper had everything" and still felt hollow, became the foundation for the thought-questioning work she teaches today. We get into why you're not actually meeting the person in front of you, you're meeting your own story about them, how that single insight can defuse a bad boss, a messy teenager's room, or a marriage fight, and why the only thing you ever really lose when you let go of a false belief is the story itself. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4TjlwFusmYU In this episode Why you don't have a feeling or emotion that wasn't created by a thought, and how to catch the thought before it becomes a stress spiral The "who's watching the two voices" trick for noticing your own mental chatter instead of getting swept up in it Why meeting someone else is really meeting your own story about them, and how that reframes conflict with a difficult boss, spouse, or teenager How Mette got fired, not for the first time, and had to rebuild her entire sense of self once the corporate brand behind her name was gone Why letting go of blame doesn't mean tolerating bad leadership, it means dealing with one thing (the bad leader) instead of a whole story about them A simple body-based check ("can I be 100% sure that's true?") for questioning a belief the moment you feel it land in your stomach or your chest Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and intro: meet author and executive coach Mette Reebirk (01:53) Two decades in senior leadership, then getting fired, not for the first time (02:18) Starting a consultancy from scratch and traveling to China not knowing what she had to offer (04:28) What Mette saw headhunting laid-off executives: success on paper, insecurity underneath (08:36) The two-voices exercise: noticing the watcher behind your own thoughts (09:48) Why every feeling you have was created by a thought you believed (13:03) Why letting go of an old story can feel like losing the stone in your shoe (14:03) "You need to look behind": what keeps people blaming a bad boss instead of dealing with one (19:48) Meeting the story instead of the person, and what that means for diversity and difference (24:41) The clothes-on-the-floor experiment: what changed once she stopped calling it "disrespectful" (27:50) The body check: noticing a racing heart or a stomach knot as your cue to question a belief (34:12) Where to find Mette: her book and LinkedIn About Mette Reebirk Mette Reebirk is an author and executive coach based in Copenhagen, Denmark, who has spent more than two decades helping experienced leaders question their thoughts and free themselves from anxiety. Before starting her own consultancy, she held senior leadership roles including president of an organization set up to attract investment to Copenhagen, international director at a university, and director of corporate relations at another. She has a new book on questioning the thoughts we believe to be true. Connect with her on LinkedIn. Favorite quotes "You do not have a feeling or an emotion that has not been created by a thought. So whenever you feel anxious, afraid, angry, shameful, it's created by a thought you, in a very short moment, innocently believed to be true." —Mette Reebirk "When we meet the other person, we don't really meet the other person. We meet the story, our own story about the other person. That means that actually we meet ourself." —Mette Reebirk "The only thing that we can lose is a story. The only thing we can lose is the story." —Mette Reebirk Resources mentioned Mette Reebirk's new book on questioning our thoughts to find freedom from anxiety (exact title not stated clearly on air; see reviewer notes) Mette Reebirk on LinkedIn Related episodes The Power of Intuition in Personal Growth: Winnie Rodgers on listening to the body instead of the mind, a natural companion piece to Mette's work on questioning the mind's stories. "Sigh, See, Start": The ShouldStorm Antidote: another framework for catching and reframing the automatic thoughts that drive our stress. Your Logical vs. Subconscious Mind: Who's Really in Control?: more on the machinery behind the thoughts Mette teaches us to question. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

In this solo episode, Dana Skaggs explores the complexities of setting and defending personal boundaries. She discusses the importance of understanding one's own emotional landscape, the fear of rejection, and the impact of past wounds on current behavior. Dana emphasizes the need for self-awareness and the role of support systems in navigating these challenges. Dana's Linked In Page Dana's website

Marni Battista was skiing a double black diamond in new boots, feeling badass, when she went flying through the air and landed on her sacrum. Seven fractures. Twelve weeks flat on her back, unable to work, read, knit, or even sit up, using an old-lady reaching claw because she couldn't move without pain. The doctors kept saying she should be better by now. She wasn't. Finally a guide told her something that stopped her cold: you broke your foundation because you built your whole life on doing and producing, and disconnected the emotional part of yourself. It was time to rebuild. Marni is an entrepreneur, author, and transformational coach whose new book, Your Radical Living Challenge: Seven Questions for a Meaningful Life, comes out February 5. Before the injury, she'd built a nearly $2-million-a-year dating coaching business, appeared in the LA Times and the New Yorker, and been on Dr. Phil, Ryan Seacrest, and Home & Family TV, all while quietly wondering how much longer she could keep pushing. We talk about how to live life on your own terms instead of the version everyone else expects of you, why "comparison despair" wrecks so many of us (especially after 18 months off social media forced her to notice it), and how she finally answered her own website's question: if you could create your whole life any way you wanted it, what would it look like? We also get into the harder, practical side of reinvention: how women specifically build the financial clarity to back up a courageous decision, and why the "essential problem" is almost never the problem you think it is. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqjpryF-HHc In this episode Why breaking her sacrum in seven places was, in Marni's words, "the universe saying it's time to rebuild," and what she did with that forced 12 weeks of stillness How to identify the "essential problem" hiding underneath the problem you think you have (it's rarely your marriage, your money, or your business) Why comparison despair spikes on social media, and what an 18-month fast from it taught Marni about which comparisons actually matter The financial clarity work Marni does with clients before any conversation about reinventing a life or a career, because "you can't create emotional safety without clarity" Why chasing dating "strategy" without self-worth is a waste of every app and every strategy in the world, and what dating with dignity looks like instead How Marni's seven spiritual questions became the framework for choosing a life beyond the 10%-variation version most of us settle for in midlife Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and intro: meet entrepreneur, author, and coach Marni Battista (03:35) Building a nearly $2M dating-coaching business, and the pace that couldn't last (07:01) The double black diamond, the crash, and seven fractures in her sacrum (08:14) Twelve weeks flat on her back with a claw grabber, at the height of COVID (08:34) "You have broken your foundation": the guide's diagnosis that changed everything (12:32) The butterfly at her new desk, and the question: if I had nine more years, is this what I'd be doing? (13:32) Finding the "essential problem" underneath the problem you think you have (17:03) The financial-security gap that keeps women from making courageous decisions (22:51) Comparison despair, an 18-month social media fast, and what her dying father taught her about what actually matters (26:48) Dating with Dignity: why strategy without self-worth is worthless (32:02) Where to find Marni: her book and both her websites About Marni Battista Marni Battista is an entrepreneur, author, transformational coach, and host of the Straight to the Point podcast. She's appeared in the LA Times and the New Yorker, and on Dr. Phil, Ryan Seacrest, and Home & Family TV. Her new book, Your Radical Living Challenge: Seven Questions for a Meaningful Life, is out February 5. She's also the founder of Dating with Dignity, a dating and relationship coaching practice built on self-love, self-confidence, and self-worth. Learn more at MarniBattista.com, where you'll find her book, the Dating with Dignity program, and her Radical Living work. She also mentions an Institute for Living Courageously site, still in development at the time of taping; no working URL for it was confirmed on air. Favorite quotes "You have broken your sacrum because that is the foundation, and you have built your foundation of your life on doing and producing, and you have completely disconnected the emotional part of yourself. This is the universe saying it's time to rebuild." —the guide Marni consulted, as recounted by Marni Battista "I had made my safety and security, my home, completely external. And the journey I then needed to go on was: how do I create home inside of myself, so that no matter where I go, no matter what the circumstances, no matter what's happening, I feel safe and I know that I am who I am and that I'm okay." —Marni Battista "There was literally nothing out there for a map or a guide of how do you actually recreate, redesign, rewrite your next chapter so that you're still living life in a way that is meaningful." —Marni Battista Resources mentioned Your Radical Living Challenge: Seven Questions for a Meaningful Life by Marni Battista, out February 5 MarniBattista.com: Marni's website, home to her book, Dating with Dignity, and her coaching work Dating with Dignity: Marni's dating and relationship coaching practice, discussed throughout the episode Related episodes Vision and Heart: One Entrepreneur's Journey: Jackson Calame's story of rebuilding an entrepreneurial life around boundaries, a natural companion to Marni's rebuild after her injury. Reclaiming Health and Embracing the Second Act: another midlife reinvention story, this one centered on health and identity after a major life reset. Signs of a Mismatched Career and How to Make a Change: more on recognizing when your current life no longer fits, and what to do about it. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Picture a nine-year-old boy in rural Uruguay, walking up to a 21-year-old missionary and asking for bread. Jackson Calame didn't have any on him. It was 9:30 at night, they were rushing home, and he had to send the boy away hungry. The kid ducked his head and walked around him without a word. Jackson felt filthy, he says, comparing his own clean shirt and nice shoes to everything that boy didn't have. That night he decided he'd come back someday and open a little computer rental shop to help the town build an economy. Instead, he says, he felt his face turn to the right and heard a voice tell him to go home, use his education, and help towns like that one for the rest of his life. That's the moment that built the entrepreneur, and the boundaries lesson, at the center of this episode. Jackson is a visionary-entrepreneur coach: founder of First Class Business, founder of the VisionPros Live podcast, and a 20% stakeholder in e-rational marketing, where he built out the client fulfillment process while the agency became one of Canada's 50 fastest-growing startups. He's also, by his own telling, twice divorced, a single father of four, and someone who has spent real time on the floor in a fetal position when entrepreneurship got to be too much. We talk about why setting boundaries as an entrepreneur isn't optional if you want to protect the vision you're building, why treating people (including the virtual assistants so many businesses treat as disposable) with dignity is both a moral stand and good business, and what to do with the doubting voices, yours and everyone else's, that show up the second you try to build something that matters. By the end, Jackson makes the case that a midlife identity crisis or two isn't proof you took a wrong turn. Sometimes it's just the burning that comes before the rebuild. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zD20mzHImVI In this episode Why setting boundaries as an entrepreneur is the only way to protect a big vision from burning you out, starting with the boundary Jackson set at age three The mission-trip moment in Uruguay that redirected Jackson from chasing his own comfort to building four ventures meant to help other people build theirs Why treating remote and international workers with dignity (not what Jackson calls "virtual abuse") is both a moral stand and a competitive edge How to answer the "why bother, it's already been done" voice with Dana's cup-of-water-in-the-ocean reframe What it took for Jackson to turn crushing self-doubt, and a mom who kept trying to pull him back into "the safety net of corporate America," into fuel instead of an exit ramp The "empty track" trick for showing up as your best self when literally nobody is watching Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and intro: meet visionary entrepreneur Jackson Calame (04:51) BYU, "a 4.0 in dating, a 0.33 in everything else," and losing his way (06:55) The mission trip to Uruguay: the boy who asked for bread (08:30) The voice that sent Jackson home to study business (11:28) Treating overseas virtual assistants with dignity, not "virtual abuse" (14:16) Setting his first boundary at age three, and the fetal-position moment during his first marriage (20:50) Detractors, self-doubt, and what to do when the people who love you fear for your dream (29:19) The "second in state" trumpet solo and the toxic chase to be the best (30:52) Dana's cup-of-water-in-the-ocean answer to "why even try" (33:50) The empty track and becoming your own LeBron James (36:24) Where to find Jackson: VisionPros Live and First Class Business About Jackson Calame H. Jackson Calame is a visionary-entrepreneur coach who teaches business owners how to build sustainable revenue and become the trusted leader in their market, at a time when, as Dana notes, 96% of businesses fail within their first ten years. He's the founder of First Class Business and of the VisionPros Live podcast, and a 20% stakeholder in e-rational marketing, where he was head of account management building out the client fulfillment journey as the agency became one of Canada's 50 fastest-growing startups. He studied Latin American studies at Brigham Young University and served a two-year mission in Uruguay, where he learned Spanish. He's a single father of four. Learn more at First Class Business, or be a guest on his show at VisionPros Live. Favorite quotes "I heard a voice that said, Jackson, why don't you go home? Take advantage of your education for once. Learn about business and help as many towns like this as you possibly can." —Jackson Calame "We're not meant to be coddled. We're not meant to stay in the nest. We're meant to fly, and we have to have the hard experiences." —Jackson Calame "If I lock in to wanting to be my best and I start to do this in everything that I do in life, that's the only way I'll ever really tap into my full potential." —Jackson Calame Resources mentioned VisionPros Live: Jackson's podcast, where entrepreneurs and founders come on to share their vision (there's a "be our guest" button on the site) First Class Business: Jackson's coaching program for entrepreneurs, built around the idea that "we don't have an easy button for business" The E-Myth by Michael Gerber: the book Jackson recommends first to any entrepreneur underestimating how hard the job really is A TED Talk on addiction and belonging that Jackson credits with reframing how he thinks about connection and community (title and speaker not stated on air) Related episodes The Courageous Life: Crafting Your Own Terms: Marni Battista's story of rebuilding her life and business from scratch after a devastating injury, another entrepreneur who had to choose herself before she could choose her next chapter. Entrepreneurial Success: Habits of a Maverick: more on the daily habits and mindset that separate entrepreneurs who make it from the 96% who don't. Stop Winging It: A Leader's Guide to Resilience: a natural next listen on building the resilience to keep leading through the doubt, yours and everyone else's. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz

Ever stood on a chair in your office just to see out the window, and realized the view looked suspiciously like prison bars? That was me, years ago, in a job I could do but loathed. If you keep telling yourself the next promotion, the next raise, the next big win will finally make you happy (spoiler: it moves), you may be staring at the signs of a mismatched career. My guest Sarah JanTausch knows this road personally. She rose fast in a government career, built her whole life around one value (achievement) and rode it straight into burnout while looking wildly successful from the outside. Now, as founder of SRJ Coaching and Consulting and creator of the Value-Based Career Method, she helps people figure out what they actually value before they leap into the next wrong job. We compare our "wrong major, wrong job" battle scars and map out how to tell whether you're mismatched or just tired, why a small experiment beats a blind leap of faith, and what you loved before age 10 that's still trying to tell you something. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xjiLN-1WLKo In this episode How to recognize the signs of a mismatched career — the stress, exhaustion, and "I just need a break" feeling that mean something deeper is off Why building your whole life around one value (like achievement) leads straight to burnout, even when you look successful from the outside A simple values card sort exercise you can use to identify your true top five values Why running a small, low-stakes experiment beats a blind leap when you're exploring a new direction How healthy boundaries protect you from burning out on work you actually love, not just work you hate The "what did you love before age 10" exercise for uncovering clues to your ideal career path Timestamps (00:41) Meet Sarah JanTausch, founder of SRJ Coaching and Consulting and creator of the Value-Based Career Method (01:13) Sarah's fast rise in a government career — and believing the next promotion would finally make her happy (02:37) Building her whole life around one value, achievement, and how that led to burnout (04:59) What a career mismatch actually feels like: stress, exhaustion, and wanting to "run away" (07:51) Dana's own mismatch story — standing on a chair to look out a "prison" window during a testing job (11:12) The values card sort exercise Sarah uses to help clients find their true top five values (14:50) Why running a small experiment beats a blind leap of faith (16:28) How boundaries kept Sarah from burning out on a business she loves (18:24) Dana's physical therapy detour — and the lesson of watching the clock (20:36) Balancing logical facts with gut-level "subjective judgment" when evaluating a job (25:35) The real signs it's time for a career change (28:20) The "what did you love before age 10" exercise for finding career clues (31:15) Where to find Sarah and her free monthly events About Sarah JanTausch Sarah JanTausch is the founder of SRJ Coaching and Consulting and creator of the Value-Based Career Method, which helps professionals unlock the hidden job market and ditch burnout by building a career move rooted in core values, ideal work style, and goals. Connect with her at valuesbasedcareers.com, where she hosts free monthly events, or find her on LinkedIn. Pull quotes "When we have all these aching feelings, it usually means we're not living out the values that we truly have inside of us." — Sarah JanTausch "I remember distinctly feeling like I was in prison. Like I was looking through the bars of a prison." — Dana Skaggs Resources mentioned Sarah JanTausch's website — valuesbasedcareers.com (free monthly events on values-based career change) A values card sort exercise, which Sarah uses with clients to identify their top five values The Pathway Planner assessment from Wiley Other assessments Sarah mentioned using over the years: DISC, Myers-Briggs, and StrengthsFinder Enjoyed this episode? If this episode hit home, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube, and leave a review to help other listeners find the show. And if someone in your life needs to hear this today, send them the link; that's how we grow this community together. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz