From self rejection to redirection: A Deeper look at the self sabotaging avoidant

Self sabotage is a tactic often employed by people with avoidant attachment styles (i.e. fearful and dismissive) that is used to keep the balance of power in the avoidant’s favor. This tactic is done at the expense of the avoidant and the anxious partner, often resulting in the loss of the connection between the two parties. It is important to note that this may be done consciously or unconsciously, but either way, the intended results are the same. Examples of self sabotaging include the use of deactivation strategies such as: denial of attachment, compulsive self reliance, intimacy avoidance, triangulation, etc. Employing these strategies can result in not only the end of the connection, but a deep sense of regret, shame and guilt for the avoidant partner. These intense feelings, although they may take time to develop and be acknowledged, are significant to the negative feedback loop that avoidant’s face in seeking relationships. Ultimately if not corrected, it may lead to the rejection of romantic connections altogether. Other pursuits like careers, hobbies, spirituality or even situationships & past failed connections become an escape to avoid the inevitable realization of the positive connection that has been sabotaged.