From Suicidal Crisis to Grace in Grief (Portia Booker)

A gentle note before you dive in: this conversation touches on suicide crisis and grief. It's okay to pause, skip ahead, or come back to this one another time. Portia Booker survived a suicidal crisis in her twenties, then two years later survived a grief she had no framework for when her mother died of lung cancer. Both of them cracked her wide open, and both of them are why she now talks about grief for a living. My guest today, known to her audience as Portia the Producer, credits an old college professor's out-of-the-blue phone call with saving her life: "Portia, you are not well," the professor said. "You need to get yourself to the hospital right now." That call is the reason she's here now to tell her story. Portia landed her dream TV producer job two weeks after college graduation, a thousand miles from home, and within a month was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in a newsroom culture that had no room for it. She talks with me about the public humiliation that pushed her to the edge, what she calls "bystander syndrome" (the coworkers who stood there and said nothing), and what it was like being one of the only Black producers in that newsroom. Then, two years after she rebuilt her life, her mother's death sent her into a grief she had no framework for, until she picked up her mom's ashes from the funeral home and an unexpected thought changed everything: what if her mom's transition was actually for her transformation? We talk about learned helplessness, the courage it takes to actually stop and help a stranger in crisis instead of just driving past, and why Portia insists grief is not linear; that comparing your pain to someone else's only makes it worse. If you or someone you love is walking through a crisis or a loss right now, this conversation is for you. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qcTBkf0ODbM In this episode Why the newsroom "pile of ash" moment mattered more than any one bad day, and what finally made Portia walk away from her dream job The phone call from a college professor that reached Portia in her most dangerous moment and got her to the hospital What "bystander syndrome" feels like from the inside, and why Portia now stops for strangers in crisis instead of driving past Being one of the only Black producers in her newsroom, and what she wishes people from other backgrounds understood Why "grief is not linear," and how comparing your pain to someone else's only makes it worse How picking up her mother's ashes led to the audiobook that became her second act, "Finding Grace Within Grief" Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet Portia Booker, "Portia the Producer" (02:02) Landing her dream TV producer job two weeks after graduation, and the bipolar disorder diagnosis that followed (07:25) The newsroom incident that became her "pile of ash" moment (08:23) The phone call from her college professor that got her to the hospital (10:38) The bird-in-a-cage story, and the psychology of learned helplessness (13:18) Being one of the only Black producers in the newsroom, and the cost of bystander syndrome (23:03) Why Portia now stops to help strangers in crisis, from a man breaking down in the street to a young woman asking for help at a gas station (24:42) Losing her great-grandmother, then her mother's lung cancer diagnosis (26:43) How "Groove with Portia" started as a cover story for her own mental health journey (29:43) Picking up her mother's ashes, and the epiphany that became her audiobook (34:36) Portia's parting words: grief is not linear About Portia Booker Portia Booker, known as Portia the Producer, is a TV-producer-turned-podcast-host and the author of the audiobook "Finding Grace Within Grief: Her Transition, My Transformation." She currently produces 12 different shows, including her own, "Groove with Portia," and is training to become a death doula. Listen to her show, Groove with Portia, or find her on Instagram, Facebook, and LinkedIn. Favorite quotes "There's more to Portia's life than this." —Portia Booker "Don't compare your grief pain to anybody else... you gotta feel it, and just learn to embrace your grief instead of evade it." —Portia Booker "What if your mom's transition is for your transformation?" —Portia Booker Resources mentioned "Finding Grace Within Grief: Her Transition, My Transformation": Portia's debut audiobook, written from letters she wrote to God after her mother's death Groove with Portia: Portia's podcast, also on YouTube, Spotify, Apple, and Google Portia on Instagram Portia on LinkedIn Related episodes "You're Not Alone" Interview Series: When a Loved One Commits Suicide: for anyone sitting with the same crisis Portia describes, from the other side of loss From Suicide Plans to 20 Years as Tony Robbins' Firewalk Captain: Dave Albin's Amazing Journey: another guest's crisis moment and the decades of transformation that followed Thriving After Loss: Kim Sorrelle's Story of the Transformational Power of Love: more on finding your footing after losing someone you love Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz