Healing From a Toxic Family (with Susan Gold)

Susan Gold remembers coming home from school one day and seeing her father's clothing flying out the second-floor window onto the front lawn. She raced to pick up each piece as fast as her mother could throw it down, trying to keep her father in the house, because she didn't think she'd survive without what she calls his "pseudo protection." That's the kind of chaos Susan grew up in as the middle child of five, and it's exactly the kind of toxic family story I wanted on Phoenix and Flame, because so many of my listeners are living some version of it right now. Professionally, Susan Gold is the kind of name-dropper you actually believe: she attached celebrity talent to projects in New York and Los Angeles, talked Andy Warhol into an on-camera Pontiac commercial, helped launch Fox News Channel at Roger Ailes' request, and got Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Taylor Swift, and David Beckham interviewed by cartoon characters for Disney Channel. But the reason she's on this show is the book she wrote about what came before all of that, "Toxic Family: Transforming Childhood Trauma into Adult Freedom," and the years of addiction, clinical depression, and narcissistic relationships that came after it. We talk about the difference between forgiving your parents for what happened to them and still honoring what happened to you, why the "point one finger, three point back at you" axiom can trap empaths in abusive relationships, and how Susan finally learned to stop carrying weight that was never hers to carry. If you've ever felt like you had to be perfect to be safe, this conversation is for you. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N-rj2AuUvUc In this episode Why understanding where your parents came from doesn't cancel out your own experience of what they did How growing up in chaos and unpredictability teaches you to stay perfect, quiet, and constantly on guard Why "point one finger and three come back at you" can quietly trap an empath in a relationship with a narcissist The moment Susan's marriage ended, and the year-long "no eye contact, only in writing" period that followed How to stop carrying weight, guilt, and responsibility that was never yours to carry in the first place Why it can take a full decade of real work to heal from childhood trauma, and why that's not a failure Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and guest intro: meet Susan Gold, author of "Toxic Family" (04:16) Growing up the middle child of five in a toxic, competitive home (09:25) The three-year separation from her mother that started the unpeeling (13:03) The polished-cabinet story: trying to earn safety through perfection (16:31) Addiction, a decade of clinical depression, and getting real help (20:54) The "Saran Wrap" feeling: why authenticity felt too dangerous (23:24) Meeting her "Prince Charming," and the marriage that followed (25:23) The moment her ex-husband said, "I'm filing for divorce" (31:09) Why "point one finger and three come back at you" is a trap for empaths (34:46) Boundaries, the yard metaphor, and owning only what's actually yours (36:51) Where to find Susan and her retreats About Susan Gold Susan Gold is an author and talent producer whose career includes attaching celebrity talent to film and television projects in New York and Los Angeles, launching Fox News Channel at the request of Chair Roger Ailes, and securing A-list celebrities for Disney Channel's "Phineas and Ferb." She's also the author of "Toxic Family: Transforming Childhood Trauma into Adult Freedom" and now leads retreats, webinars, workshops, and private sessions helping people drop outdated storylines and live from authentic freedom as adults. Learn more at SusanGold.us. Favorite quotes "There were very few scraps of authentic love doled out. And we fought like dogs to collect them." —Susan Gold "I would talk with friends about feeling like I was layered in Saran Wrap and I couldn't really connect authentically because it felt too dangerous." —Susan Gold "This is the universe doing for you what you cannot do for yourself." —Susan Gold, on the moment her marriage ended Resources mentioned SusanGold.us: Susan's website, retreats, webinars, workshops, and private sessions "Toxic Family: Transforming Childhood Trauma into Adult Freedom" by Susan Gold Related episodes Healing From Narcissistic Abuse: more on recognizing narcissistic dynamics and reclaiming your sense of self after them. Finding Yourself: Ascension From Childhood Dysfunction: another honest conversation about rebuilding identity after a chaotic childhood. Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz