Good Vibes: Lessons My First Vibrator Taught Me About Good Sex

In the early 70s my female cousin was a primary contributor to my early sex education when I needed it most. For instance, she clarified that I couldn’t get pregnant by dancing with a boy, no matter how close we got. My cousin confirmed that I wasn’t the only person who touched themselves (down there). We compared our touching techniques, me on my back, her on her stomach, pressure preferences, stroking styles. I was sharing an enormous secret, and it was exciting to hear about someone else’s discoveries.Most importantly, she showed me that “wellness massagers” from Sears were used for things other than sore necks and shoulders.A few years later my first boyfriend introduced me to the real deal: A vibrator made specifically for genital arousal. It was a cream-colored, hard plastic, shapeless cylinder with a twisting on/off switch at the end. My first vibrator turned sex from an act I’d perform because my boyfriend liked it, into a sensual experience designed for my orgasmic pleasure.Here are some lessons my first vibrator taught me about sexual pleasure:Sexual pleasure is for me, not just my partner. Both genders come into sex with misconceptions and beliefs based either on inadequate sex education that doesn’t address pleasure, or porn that depicts male pleasure over female pleasure. When a young woman begins to experience sex for her own pleasure, she awakens her own sexual desire. Owning her desire makes sex not only better for her, but it makes her a better lover for her partner as well.Vibrators help me explore my own body and its unique paths to arousal. When I could give myself an orgasm (by hand or vibration) I felt more confident about having an orgasm with a partner. If a woman comes to me wanting to learn how to orgasm with her partner, I’ll first coach her in how to get comfortable with masturbation and giving herself orgasms. Once she understands how her body works, she can show her partner how to touch her and how to please her.I am in control of my orgasmic pleasure, and I don’t need to rely on anyone else to give it to me. If a woman grows up always relying on a partner to have an orgasm, she can fail to develop a sense of healthy autonomy in relationships. A woman can share partner sex, but an orgasm is something a woman can give herself. Our bodies are made for sexual pleasure, whether we’re partnered or not.My pleasure didn’t have to be earned.Women are subtly trained to believe that pleasure is a reward for being chosen, desirable, accommodating, consenting enough, relaxed enough. My first vibrator interrupted that narrative. My first vibrator didn’t care what I looked like. It didn’t need me to perform femininity. It didn’t require emotional labor or seduction. It responded to my curiosity and my willingness to feel my own arousal. My vibrator also lessened the shame that had wrapped itself around my body in adolescence. This toy was made for my pleasure, making self-pleasure shame-free. Touching myself no longer felt like a transgression. I began to understand arousal not as something that “happened to me” when someone else initiated it, but as a current I could generate and tend. The more I paid attention, the more nuanced my body became noticing different rhythms, different pressures, different moods. Sexuality stopped being a goal-oriented sprint toward climax and became a no-pressure exploration of my own body.And perhaps most surprisingly, self-pleasure made partnered sex more intimate, not less. When I no longer needed my partner to be the sole gatekeeper of my orgasm, I could relax. I wasn’t approaching sex with an unspoken expectation. I could guide my partner based on my own body-knowledge. I could receive instead of perform. My new found autonomy created choice. I could share my pleasure freely because it was already mine.My 1970’s vibrator taught me these important lessons about sexual pleasure and laid the foundation for all the other sex toys to come into my life, of which there have been many! When I remember that shapeless, hard plastic, noisy vibrator that I thought was the best invention ever, I think to my self…We’ve come a long way, baby!The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe