The Turned-On Couple Podcast

If you opened the drawer of 53 % of women’s bedside tables, you’d find a vibrator or two. We’ve finally reached a tipping point that makes owning a sex toy pretty normal.Thank goodness! According to data released last year, sex toys are a $15 billion industry, making them more mainstream than ever. Today, women’s pleasure is now a primary focus of the sex toy industry, and vibrators for solo and partner sex is a big part of women’s pleasure.Sexual accessories like masturbation toys are a shame-free part of a healthy woman’s private sex life. Yet, according to studies, many of these women who enjoy their private time with their vibrators are hesitant to “invite their toys to the party” when they have sex with their partner.I coach people of all ages and cultures who’ve expressed reluctance to include sex toys in their intimate time with a partner. They either suspect (or have been told) that their partner is worried a good vibrator will replace them in the bedroom. I’ve heard this point of view for decades now and I have to say, it’s getting a little old. We need to have an honest and open conversation about what sex toys offer (and don’t offer) the women who own them.Hello science!A few years ago, researcher Laurie Mintz identified heterosexual women as the group least sexually satisfied when it came to sex. According to recent studies by the Kinsey Institute, 80 % of women from ages 18 to 94 report they cannot reach orgasm through intercourse alone and need some other form of stimulation. Compare this to 94 % of men who say they do reach orgasm from intercourse.This is referred to as the “Orgasm Gap” and when these statistics hit the news, pretty much every media outlet and magazine was talking about it.Sadly, only in the last twenty years has the clitoris been acknowledged for the role it plays in a woman’s orgasmic satisfaction. Isn’t that incredible? Until recently, very little was known about female sexual arousal and a woman’s path to orgasm. Dating back to the 15th century, research on female sexuality has been ignored, suppressed, and dismissed as unworthy of scientific study. Mintz argues that the primary reason for this form of gender inequality stems from “our cultural ignorance of the clitoris” and that it is commonplace to “mislabel women’s genitals by the one part (the vagina) that gives men, but not women, reliable orgasms.” Research explains what women have always known: the vaginal canal is designed for insemination and birthing. In and of itself, it’s not where women find their most orgasmic pleasure — at least, not on its own.With the advent of MRI technology, we’ve come to understand that the clitoris is a much larger organ than was previously understood. What we call the “clit” is just the visible part of an organ that goes much further beneath the skin’s surface and plays a much larger role in a woman’s orgasmic capacity than the vagina.The clitoris has 8,000 sensitive nerve endings (double the amount of a penis). Its internal structure has arms that extend down from the visible nub, wrapping around the vaginal opening. It also reaches back into a woman’s G-Spot area, just inside the vagina. The entire clitoral structure contributes to both external and internal orgasms. One of the more interesting acknowledgments from the scientific community is that the clitoris is unique in that its sole purpose is sexual pleasure. It’s the only human organ dedicated to arousal.Women’s sexual pleasure, and how it actually works, has finally taken its rightful place in the world of scientific study. Men are welcome to come along for the ride, if they’re willing to adapt to what we now know about enhancing their female partner’s orgasmic experience. Keep in mind that studies of the female orgasm and clitoral research are still news to most people. It’s unfolding before our eyes as science gets its head out of the sand and finally turns its attention to female sexuality and arousal.As is often the case, profit opportunities are never far behind cultural shifts and trends. We now have a female-centric industry of sex toys designed to optimize women’s sexual pleasure, many of which are focused on the female orgasm (inside and outside), using the latest vibration technology. Walk into any well-provisioned sex shop and you’ll find entire walls displaying dozens of different makes and models, as well as educated sale clerks who are very used to answering the most intimate questions.Sex toys are playing a primary role in the evolution of female sexuality and (in my opinion) can play an important part in a couple’s sex life. (Therapists of yesteryear didn’t refer to them as “marital aids” for no reason!)A cornerstone of a great sex life is communication. Discussing sex toys with your partner opens the door to sharing desires and asking for what you want. The more you can talk about these things together, the more likely your sex life with your partner will be active, honest, and enjoyable!When a couple initiates a conversation about sex toys, they are* making sex and intimacy a natural topic of conversation (Yay!);* acknowledging that sexual pleasure matters for both partners;* agreeing to explore as a team, and open their minds to new ways* of giving and receiving pleasure;* actively bringing variety and novelty into their sex life; and* committing to a life of pleasure and play together.If an initial vibrator turns out to be a gateway to other sex toys, so be it! Scroll through an online store to learn about what’s new on the market or visit one of the many women-friendly sex toy stores, now commonly found in most urban centers. It’s a fun and exciting adventure for a couple. Every year, new designs, new technology, and new materials offer couples new orgasmic experiences. (You know couples are breaking out the toys together just by watching the new designs for couple’s vibrators hitting the market. Vibration, as a pathway to arousal, is not going away.)Heterosexual men, please rest assured that you will not be replaced by a vibrator! A vibrator won’t seduce your partner. It can’t whisper in her ear. It doesn’t have a warm body to press up against or hold in the afterglow.When it comes to a blood-pumping, energy-flowing, pheromone- charged experience, nothing beats the real human deal! But, here the thing, when you welcome toys into your sex life, you’re supporting your partner’s connection with their own body and their own orgasmic pleasure.Ask your female partner to pull out her favorite toy from her bedside drawer and show you how she likes to use it. Learn how to use it on each other. Explore each other’s many erogenous zones. You may discover your own vibrational pleasures. Some vibrators are designed specifically for the male body.By closing the Orgasm Gap in your relationship (however you do it), your female partner will suddenly become a lot more interested in planning your next party. Trust me. :)If you found this post valuable, like, restack or share. Thank you! You can read all my posted chapters in The Turned-On Couple. The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. 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What Does Consent Mean in Long-Term Relationships?A couple I worked with came in after what one partner called a “nonconsensual” experience. She felt angry. He felt confused.He had wanted to try something new in the bedroom. Instead of talking about it beforehand, he showed up with handcuffs and locked her arms behind her back. There had been no prior conversation, no shared curiosity, no agreement.Consent hadn’t been established, and the moment landed exactly as you’d expect. Not as play. Not as connection. But as a breach.Consent isn’t new. It didn’t suddenly appear with the MeToo movement. For decades, it’s been actively practiced in communities where clarity is essential—kink, BDSM, queer, and polyamorous spaces—where desire is discussed, negotiated, and respected.What MeToo did was bring those conversations into the mainstream. It exposed the cost of silence and assumption. It made visible how power, ambiguity, and lack of communication shape intimate experiences.At its core, consent redistributes power. It gives both people a voice. It creates clarity, safety, and a more honest pathway to mutual satisfaction.Most of what you’ll find online about consent focuses on new relationships—how to ask, how to say no, how to set boundaries with someone you don’t yet know.But long-term relationships are different. More layered. Less explicit. And often, more vulnerable to assumption.Implied ConsentIn established relationships, much of sexual initiation becomes shorthand. A look, a touch, a certain time of day. Couples develop a rhythm. They learn each other’s cues.Over time, this can feel efficient—even intimate.But it can also become imprecise.We assume we know what our partner likes. We assume what a gesture means. We assume that what worked before still works now.And so consent becomes implied rather than expressed.Sometimes that’s harmless. A playful touch in the kitchen. Reaching for each other in bed. These moments often carry an understood yes.But familiarity cuts both ways.When couples stop talking about sex, they don’t stop having expectations. They just stop checking them against reality.This is where disconnection begins—not from a lack of desire, but from a lack of conversation.Consent as an Ongoing ConversationIn long-term relationships, consent isn’t a one-time agreement. It’s a living dialogue.Our bodies change. Our desires shift. Our emotional landscapes evolve. What felt good last year, or even last week, might not feel the same today.And yet many people continue to say yes out of habit, to avoid conflict, or to keep the peace.Real consent asks more of us.It asks that we stay connected to what we actually want in the moment, and that we create space for our partner to do the same.Consent is not just “Are you okay with this?”It’s: What are you wanting? What are you available for? What would feel good right now?It opens the field of possiblities, and it says to our partner, your desires matter to me.Expanding the YesWhen consent becomes a conversation rather than a binary, something shifts.A “no” to one thing doesn’t have to mean a no to everything.Your partner may not want intercourse, but might want closeness, touch, playfulness, or a different kind of erotic connection.Without conversation, you’ll never know.When you ask open-endedly, you reduce the likelihood of rejection, not because you’re avoiding a no, but because you’re making space for a more honest yes.Simple invitations might sound like:“I’d love to be close with you tonight. How does that feel?”“What kind of intimacy are you in the mood for?”“Is there something your body is wanting right now?”“Want to explore a little together and see where it goes?” These questions are doorways.Making Room for DisappointmentEven with the best communication, you won’t always get the answer you want.That’s part of it.The real work is what happens next.If disappointment turns into withdrawal, moodiness, or subtle punishment, consent stops being safe. Your partner learns that honesty comes with a cost.But when disappointment can be felt, without blame, without shutting down, you create an environment where its safe for your partner to be honest, without the threat of a rupture in your connection.And that’s what actually sustains intimacy over time.Consent as RepairFor couples where sexual trauma exists, these conversations carry even more weight.Clear, attuned consent can become reparative. It re-establishes trust. It creates new experiences where choice, voice, and safety are present.It says: This time, you get to decide what happens to your body.Unlearning SilenceMost of us weren’t taught how to talk about sex.We were shown a version of it—wordless, seamless, instinctual. Two people swept into perfect synchronicity, where everything just works.That narrative doesn’t hold up in real relationships.Sustainable intimacy requires language. It requires checking in. It requires acknowledging that desire is not static and asking for consent isn’t a disruption. When done well, it’s part of the erotic experience itself.There’s something undeniably intimate about being asked what you want—and answering honestly. About naming a desire and having it met with curiosity rather than assumption.Consent, in that sense, isn’t a limitation. It’s an expansion.A Different Kind of IntimacyThe next generation is already moving in this direction. They’re more fluent in the language of identity, boundaries, and desire. Less burdened by shame. More willing to speak plainly about what they want—and what they don’t. I find myself hopeful that this fluency will continue to deepen, that consent won’t feel like a checkpoint but like a natural part of how we meet each other, in sex and in relationship.Because at its best, consent isn’t about avoiding harm. It’s about presence. It’s about two people actively choosing in the moment to be curious and engaged with what’s possible.If you want a relationship that stays alive, sexually and emotionally, you have to keep entering that space. Not as a one-time conversation, and not only when something goes wrong, but as an ongoing way of relating.And when you do, something opens. The conversation itself becomes part of the intimacy. Desire becomes more specific, more creative, more considered. What once felt like a narrow doorway of yes or no, begins to widen into a landscape beyond assumption, expectation, and routine.Looking for relationship and intimacy coaching? The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

When I first saw Eve Ensler’s *The Vagina Monologues in 1996, one of the monologues stood out to me. It was a woman’s account of being with a man named Bob. This is some of what she wrote:“…Turned out that Bob loved vaginas. He was a connoisseur. Bob loved the way they felt, the way they tasted, the way they smelled, but most importantly he loved the way they looked. He had to look at them. The first time we had sex, he told me he had to see me…”“Becoming Bob” is a journey of discovery available to any man. It begins with honoring the vulva and the woman to whom it belongs. And from that orientation, to help heal her of any shame or self- consciousness so she can open to her own self-acceptance, her own arousal, and her own pleasure.“…I hated my thighs, and I hated my vagina even more. I thought it was incredibly ugly. I was one of those women who had looked at it and from that moment on I wished I hadn’t. It made me sick. I pitied anyone who had to go down there…Women get messages about loving our bodies and our vulvas, while at the same time we see ads for procedures like “designer vulva” surgery.We’re taught that the look of our vulva (vulva) is just one more thing about which women need to feel insecure. We’re told if we pay someone to “fix” us we can look more normal, as in the imagery we’re fed through porn, which usually depicts white women with surgically altered genitalia.Rather than give our money to doctors, I want to see the cultural tide turn toward diversity, self-acceptance, and appreciation. I coach women from every walk of life – age group, race, ethnicity, income level, political grouping, and sexual orientation. A vast number of these women tell me they don’t feel altogether comfortable with their vulvas. In a survey of over 3,000 women, almost half said they had concerns about the appearance of their vulvas.Women have complicated relationships to their genitals, and is partly linked to sexual shame. A surprising number of my female clients have never (or rarely) taken a mirror and looked at themselves down there.Unlike men, we can’t easily see ourselves the way our partner sees us, so unless we’re in bed with a “Bob,” we don’t get a lot of feedback about what our partner thinks about our genitals.“This is awfully intimate,” I said. “Can’t we just do it?” “No,” he said. “It’s who you are. I need to look.”“I held my breath. He looked and looked. He got breathy and his face changed. He didn’t look ordinary anymore. He looked like a hungry beast.”“You’re so beautiful,” he said. “You’re elegant and deep and innocent and wild.”“You saw that there?” I said. It was like he read my palm.“I saw that,” he said, “and more – much, much more.”When a woman feels safe and confident enough to open her legs for her lover, she gives them permission to take in her natural beauty. She feels seen and witnessed in the beauty of her womanhood. When she can see the look of awe on her partner’s face as they gaze at her feminine softness and when she can unselfconsciously hear their words of appreciation and adoration, describing to her what they see, she crosses a threshold into her own sexual empowerment. It’s a rite of passage that marks a turning point in every woman’s sexual confidence and awakening.“He stayed looking for almost an hour as if he were studying a map, observing the moon, staring into my eyes, but it was my vagina. In the light I watched him looking at me and he was so genuinely excited, so peaceful and euphoric, I began to get wet and turned on.”We all long for our lovers to adore our bodies, to drink us in like a fine wine and savor every inch of us. An adoring lover teaches us how to love ourselves. They hold the mirror of adoration up for us so we can see our own beauty through their eyes. The truth is, every woman’s vulva is completely unique and aesthetically perfect just as it is, just like our face or eyes or any other part of us. As Bob says, it’s who we are.The beauty of the vulva is reflected everywhere in nature – flowers, fruit, a mountain crevasse. Artists and photographers capture these sensually delicate forms, and poets have praised and adored the female form for millennia. The natural elegance of the female genitalia captures the heart of every awakened lover.“I began to see myself the way he saw me. I began to feel beautiful and delicious — like a great painting, or a waterfall. Bob wasn’t afraid. He wasn’t grossed out. I began to swell, began to feel proud. Began to love my vagina. And Bob, lost himself there, and I was there with him, in my vagina, and we were gone.”My wish is that every woman at some point in life finds a “Bob” to open her to her own beauty so she can see her feminine perfection through her lover’s eyes. And my wish for every man is that he learns how to become a “Bob” so that he can be initiated into the sanctity of a woman’s inner temple and learn to be the kind of lover to whom every woman dreams of opening herself up.* It’s worth noting that what was commonly referred to as the “vagina” in 1996 was often actually the vulva—a woman’s entire external genital anatomy. As our culture evolves so too does the importance of anatomical correctness and clarity.The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

Here’s a COVID throwback for you.In the summer of 2021 I was helping a friend celebrate his birthday with three other people at a little outdoor soirée where mask-wearing and social distancing were in their glory days.When someone held up a camera to take a picture of the birthday boy, I jumped up and, without thinking, wrapped my arm around him and snuggled up close for the camera. In that split second, I completely forgot that touching was risky and socially frowned upon.I lurched back, apologizing for my momentary lapse. “When was the last time someone touched you?” I asked my single friend. “It’s been six months!” he answered, shocked at his own words.Something as natural as touching a friend in a happy moment had been taken away from us.My hairdresser remarked at how many people told her she was the first person to touch them in six months. When she asked these clients about the last time they were hugged, they could all recount the time and place in detail.A simple touch, a pat, or a hand on the shoulder triggers instantaneous changes in our bodies. Our brains produce oxytocin. Studies show this chemical makes us feel more generous, empathetic, nurturing, collaborative, and grateful.Gratitude also stimulates dopamine and serotonin, and reduces stress hormones such as cortisol and norepinephrine.Simply put, touch makes us happier and less stressed. Physical touch lessens depression and anxiety. It b oosts our immune systems, and even reduces pain.The pandemic showed us that something as natural as reaching out and touching someone can be taken away.Now, when I lie in bed with my partner, I snuggle up close to his warm body. I’m more aware of the privilege of being close to someone. I stop for hugs more often, and I let them linger. I feel the goodness flow through my brain and nervous system.Memories of the pandemic give me a deeper appreciation of all forms of physical contact. Holding hands, shoulder massages, TV cuddling — I’m more aware of it all. In place of these being entitlements, they feel more like blessings. In fact, they are.Love in ActionPandemics aside, living with a partner doesn’t mean you won’t find yourself in the same predicament as your single friends. Partnered and non-partnered people can both find themselves longing for more touch.It’s not uncommon for long-term partners to let non-sexual touching fall by the wayside. They sit in separate chairs to watch TV together. They go to bed at different times. They hold their kid’s hands rather than their each other’s. Even touches of comfort or condolence can become awkward.Peeling Back the Layers In many relationships where sex has become strained, mismatched, or avoided, touch stops feeling simple. A hand on the thigh isn’t just a hand on the thigh. It carries a question. An expectation. Sometimes even a pressure.One partner reaches out and the other braces, not because they don’t want connection, but because they don’t know where that touch is heading. Will I have to respond? Will this turn into something I don’t have the energy or desire for? Will I disappoint them if I don’t follow through?Over time, the body learns. It starts to associate touch with obligation instead of pleasure. Anticipation replaces ease.So the safest move becomes… no touch at all.The partner who wants more sex often doesn’t realize the impact of unspoken expectations that can burden a simple touch. They experience the lack of touch as pre-determined rejection. They start to reach out less because it hurts to be turned away. Or they offer touch only when they want sex, which unintentionally reinforces the very pattern that’s pulling their partner away.And the partner who wants less sex begins to miss touch too, but doesn’t know how to ask for it without sending mixed signals. They might think, If I cuddle, it’ll lead somewhere. Better not start something I’ll have to stop.So both people get less of what they actually need.Less warmth.Less nurturingLess of that simple, regulating contact that says, we’re okay.If touch is only experienced as a bid for sex, it makes perfect sense that couples slowly stop touching altogether.Touch for it’s own sakeWhen partners begin to separate touch from outcome, their nervous systems can relax. The body becomes a place they no longer have to manage or defend.Non-sexual touch becomes a way back to their sensual selves. It becomes a connection point that allows sexual touch to re-emerge more naturally over time.If you’re in a domestic relationship, think of all the touch experiences you can add to life with your partner. Let these touch experiences stand on their own, without them needing to lead anywhere.Rather than the occasional side shoulder hug or pat on the back, here are some ways to invite non-sexual touch back into your day-to-day life:Extended hugging: At least once a day, hug your partner for 20 seconds. It doesn’t sound long until you do it. It takes that long for your hormones to really kick in, so let yourself settle into that 20 seconds . Take a few slow breaths together. When one of you lets go, separate and say thank you.Facials: Pull out the creams from the back of your closet or make your own with simple ingredients like honey or oatmeal. Let yourselves be taken care of. There’s something disarming about being tended to without needing to give anything back. Most women know the pleasure of a getting facial. Most men can learn a thing or two about relaxing and receiving. Foot massage: A good foot massage feels simple and grounding. The pressure, the warmth, all help the whole body relax. It’s one of those rare moments where you don’t have to do anything, just sink in and enjoy being taken care of.Sensual wrestling: Touch doesn’t always have to be soft. It can be playful, physical, a little chaotic. Pressing, pulling, laughing. Make agreements about boundaries so both people feel safe from getting hurt accidentally, then let your bodies re-learn each other in motion.Dancing: Put on music from your teens and move together. Not to perform, just to be in the same rhythm again. Hold each other, or just be ridiculous. As they say, dance like no one, (except your partner), is watching.Partner yoga: Leaning into each other for balance and support creates a different kind of trust. You feel each other’s weight, literally. Slow down, breath deeply and move together as one unit. Sensation meditation: Take turns giving each other unexpected sensory experiences. Soft, scratchy, warm, cool. Blindfold the receiver and let the body wake up without needing to interpret or respond. Massage: A massage table can help set a container that is a full-body experience in itself. Taking turns giving and receiving touch helps rebuild generosity without pressure, and pleasure without expectation. Shower or bathe together: Let your partner wash your hair, dry your back, lotion your body. Let yourself be taken care of. There’s a kind of innocence in that, a return to simple nurturing touch.Holding hands: Take your partner’s hand when you’re walking together. This simple gesture is full of loving intent. It says, I’ve got you, I’m here with you, you matter to me. Get creative. Don’t treat this list as complete. Because the goal isn’t just more touch. It’s no-pressure touch. Touch that doesn’t ask for anything beyond what’s being given.Every couple is different, and there’s no gold standard here. But if touch has silently slipped out of your relationship, it’s worth asking why.Has touch become burdened with thoughts, fears, expectations, resistance?Start a conversation with your partner about touch and rediscover the pure unadulterated pleasure of love in action.The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

Three conversations with clients inspired me to write about pleasurable touch, and why many people can dish it out, but they can’t take it! Let me explain.The first client lamented the permanent closure of her rural massage center. I asked her partner if he might be able to massage her. His answer was, “Oh no, I don’t know how to do that kind of thing. I’m not a big toucher.” The second is a long-time couple, who I know have a wonderfully loving, Facebook-perfect relationship, yet when asked why they rarely (if ever) have sex, she honestly stated, “I don’t like the way he touches me. I never have. I just don’t know how to change it.”The third client told me he knows his wife loves to get massaged and caressed as part of their sexual warm-up. Even though he knows this is what she likes to help get her in the mood, he resists giving it to her. “I can’t do it for more than a few minutes without getting bored and wanting to escalate things sexually”, he says.What to do? Well, here’s a secret that every great lover knows. It’s called, ‘touching for your own pleasure.’ There is so much more to touch than laying our hands on another person’s body. There’s context, intention, expectation, desire, sensation, and communication. Touch is a language not just between you and your partner’s body, but also between your hands and your brain.Let me take you through a simple exercise to illustrate what I mean:Step 1: Pick up a small object that fits easily into your hand. (It doesn’t really matter what it is as long as it’s easy to hold with two hands.)Step 2: Take a few deep breaths, close your eyes, and start to feel the object that you’re holding. Feel its shape, its edges, its contour, its weight. Pretty easy to do, right? Your brain is registering all that information.Step 3: As you run your fingers over the object, really slow it down. The slower you go the more detail your brain will notice about the object. You’ll find yourself noticing the temperature of the object, the texture, the hardness or softness, and the smaller things you may have missed in the first round.Step 4: Next, feel what it’s like on your own skin. Is it pleasant to touch? If you run your hand over it, is there something about the object that gives you pleasure? Find the pleasure in what you’re touching, even if it’s just, say, its coolness on your skin, or the weight of it in your hands. Try exploring it with more than just your fingertips, perhaps with the back of your hand or between your fingers where the skin is more sensitive. Just slow down and notice. You’ll see that slowing down heightens your awareness and awakens your curiosity.You’ve just brought mindfulness to your touch. You’ve made the space and taken the time to go deeper into your experience and expand it to include what is already present but previously unnoticed. Mindful touch separates the great lovers from the mediocre, the passionate from the uninspired.Why start with an inanimate object? Because we have no obligation to make the object feel good! We’re not trying to win the object’s approval. The object has no preferences or expectations for us to meet. Touching an inanimate object is purely about our own experience. When was the last time you sat down to pet a cat? We pet a cat to offer them pleasure, but we’re also drawn to touch the soft fur and feel it run between our fingers. We enjoy the warmth and silkiness against our hands. So, on one level we pet the cat for it’s pleasure, and on another level we pet the cat for our own pleasure. Likewise, when we learn how to touch for our own pleasure, our lover feels the difference. The difference between being touched by someone who is having a one dimensional experience, which is giving. And being touched by someone who is also taking their own pleasure in touching. The quality of the touch will shift. It’ll become more varied rather than repetitive. Sensation will become heightened through mutual awareness. Through mindfulness we draw out the pleasure of the moment. We’re fed by the gift we’re giving, which creates a circuit of enjoyment felt by giver and receiver alike. Consider what you want to communicate before you touch someone. And choose the form of touch language that matches your communication. If your partner needs to feel comforted, you may be tender, and touch gently to soothe and nurture. You might cradle or rock them in your arms or place their head on your lap and softly stroke their hair.If you feel romantic, you might touch your partner’s cheek softly with the back of your hand, trace their lips with the tip of your finger, or run your hand along the contour of their neck . If you feel passion rising, your touch might become more assertive; you might hold their wrists above their head. This could lead to gentle biting, light scratching, tugging their hair, and pressing up against them, body to body on the bed or against the wall. You could confidently hold, grab, and squeeze as you pull them close to you. If you both feel playful, you might try spanking, tickling, or wrestling.Another secret every great lover knows is that touching doesn’t have to lead to sex. Give yourselves both a break from stressful strategies, goal seeking, and the risk of unmet expectations. When you separate sex from touch, you create an opportunity to be with what’s happening, which is enjoying touch for its own sake. By removing the destination, we’re left to slow down, look around, and enjoy the journey!Share this chapter with your lover and decide who will be the giver and receiver. Set aside 30 minutes to explore touch from this perspective, with no other agenda. Practice touching for your own pleasure. It’s a skill to develop over time. Just like any form of mindfulness, if you find your mind wandering, gently bring it back to the present moment.Enjoy the mystery of your partner’s body from a place of openness, curiosity, and wonderment!Learn more about how relationship and intimacy coaching. The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

Many of the clients I see in my coaching practice are dealing with the same thing, even if they describe it differently.They don’t feel sexually confident anymore.Not necessarily because something huge happened. More often it’s been worn down over time.Life gets full. Relationships get complicated. A few bad experiences stack up. And somewhere along the way, they stop feeling like a good lover. Or a desirable one. Or even someone who knows what they’re doing anymore.Once that confidence goes, sex starts to feel like a place you could fail. And most people don’t want to keep putting themselves in that position.A history of sexual friction is usually part of the story. It might look like mismatched desire from the beginning. Or years of missed timing. One person reaches, the other pulls back. Or sex happens, but it feels obligatory or disconnected.None of this seems catastrophic in the moment. But it adds up.Every time an initiation doesn’t land.Every time someone goes along with sex they’re not really into.Every time pleasure feels out of reach.It leaves an impression that starts to build a negative story.Over time, people start to doubt something pretty fundamental.Can I turn my partner on?Do I even know how to feel turned on myself?From there, the pullback begins.Less initiation.Less affection.Less risk.Eventually, a lot of couples find themselves in some version of a sexless relationship. Not because they don’t care, but because they’ve both lost confidence in that part of themselves.Where it tends to break downFor men, confidence often gets tied to performance pretty quickly.Erections. Staying hard. Lasting long enough.If something goes off even a little, it can spiral fast. Now they’re thinking instead of feeling. Monitoring instead of enjoying. Trying to make something happen instead of letting it happen.Add in all the cultural noise about what a man is supposed to be sexually, and it’s a lot of pressure to carry into bed.For women, loss of sexual confidence usually shows up differently.Body image is a big one. If she’s in her head about how she looks, she’s not in her body. And if she’s not in her body, pleasure is harder to access.There’s also a lot of confusion around desire. Many women don’t feel spontaneous desire, but no one ever explained that to them. So they assume something is wrong.“I should want this more.”“I used to be different.”Now they’re second-guessing themselves instead of trusting their own pace.And then there’s the mind. Always on. Always tracking. Hard to drop in, especially if there’s any tension in the relationship.The higher-desire / lower-desire dynamicThis is where I see a lot of confidence get lost on both sides.For the higher-desire partner, confidence is closely tied to feeling wanted.If they start to question that, everything changes. Initiating feels risky. Rejection starts to sting more. Sex can start to feel like something they’re asking for instead of something that’s shared.So they pull back too. Not because they want less sex, but because they don’t want to keep getting hurt.For the lower-desire partner, the loss of confidence comes from a different place.If sex becomes something they’re doing for their partner, they can lose track of their own experience entirely.What do I like?What turns me on?Do I even have desire anymore?And underneath that, there’s often a need that isn’t being named. They want to feel met first. Emotionally connected. Not rushed.When that’s missing, their body doesn’t open up sexually. And then they start to believe they’re the problem.What gets missedSexual confidence isn’t just about knowing what you’re doing. It’s about feeling like you can show up as you are and not get shut down. It’s about knowing your partner actually wants you there.A lot of people are carrying around some version of this:“I’m too much.”“I’m not enough.”Too needy. Too shut down. Too slow. Too complicated.So instead of being real, They perform.They avoid.They go through the motions. But faking confidence is just part of the performance. Getting it backPart of this is personal. You do have to look at the stories you’re telling yourself about who you are sexually but in a relationship, this is not a solo project.Sexual confidence gets rebuilt between two people.Couples who rebuild their sexual confidence start treating it like something they’re working on together, instead of something one person is failing at.They get more honest.“This is where I get in my head.”“This is where I start to shut down.”“This is what actually helps me relax.”When those things are out in the open, there’s a lot more room to learn about each other wants and needs.And then it becomes about creating new experiences. Not perfect ones. Just different ones.Moments where initiation is met with warmth.Moments where no one is rushing.Moments where sex isn’t something to get through or get right.That’s what starts to rebuild trust. And confidence follows that.A few things couples can actually doIf you’re trying to shift this, keep it simple and doable.1. Talk about confidence directlyMost couples don’t.Try this:“Where do you lose confidence sexually?”“What helps you feel more confident?”Let each person answer without jumping in.2. Take the pressure off intercourse for a bitIf sex has started to feel loaded, give yourselves a reset.Spend time touching, kissing, being close without it needing to lead anywhere. This helps both people relax and get back into their bodies.3. Slow things down, especially at the beginningA lot of people rush the part that actually matters.Stay with kissing. Stay with simple touch. Let arousal build instead of trying to jumpstart it.4. Make initiation easierInitiation doesn’t have to feel like a big ask.Keep it light. Something like,“Want to play around a little?”And make sure a no doesn’t turn into a big thing. That’s what keeps it safe to keep trying.5. Say what’s actually workingBe specific.“I liked when you…”“That felt really good when…”People build confidence from feedback of all kinds, physically and verbally. If something your partner does feels good, let them know.Sexual confidence comes back the way it was lost, through experience, one moment at a time, only now you’re paying attention to what actually works to build each other up rather than making each other wrong. The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

For a time, I got hooked on the Netflix reality show Married at First Sight.The season I watched followed four couples who agreed to arranged marriages, meeting for the first time, sight unseen, on the day of their wedding. Three relationship experts paired them from a large pool of applicants. The show followed these four couples for a period of two months — from the honeymoon to sharing an apartment for eight weeks — as they worked on achieving success in their day-to-day lives as a married couple. At the end of the season, the couples decide if they want to stay together or get a divorce. Crazy, right?As a relationship and intimacy coach, I found it fascinating to watch these four couples do their best to achieve happiness together, with cameras on them for most of their waking hours! The challenges for each couple were different, but by the end of the season all four couples shared one problem: sex.Within just a month of marriage these four couples had each already established unhealthy patterns leading to disconnection. For the purpose of this chapter, I’ll talk about two of the couples who dealt with a similar sexual dynamic. Both couples were struggling with sexual pursuit and resistance — a dynamic I often encounter with my clients. Let’s look at these two couples.The first couple, both in their late twenties, had a lot in common except for the fact that the woman was a 27-year-old virgin, saving herself for her husband. The man on the other hand was more sexually experienced. I’m sure I wasn’t the only person fascinated with this scenario! Here was a woman who, for nearly thirty years, placed great importance on not having sex before marriage and yet was marrying and living with a total stranger for two months!It was painful to watch the tension she held in her body with any initiation of sensuality or affection. She looked terrified to give up control and engage in intimacy of any kind. I felt bad for her that she now had to confront years of being in sexual shutdown, with no learned skills on how to access her own desire, then show that desire to her new husband.And I felt bad for him, too, dealing with an emotionally and sexually inexperienced wife with an extreme amount of resistance to his patient advances. Looking past the unusual circumstance of living with a camera crew, the signs of their struggle were obvious and this was supported in their individual interviews as well.The second couple had a similar dynamic, in that the 29-year-old woman had not been in a relationship for 10 years (since college). She struggled with being vulnerable and deflected her husband’s compliments and affection, even though she described him as her “perfect match”. This man, as with the first couple, was also very patient. He would tiptoe around the edge of her comfort zone, hoping she might emotionally and physically open up to him — or at least throw him a few scraps of validation. He was constantly met with his wife’s guardedness. Their awkward tension impeded intimacy and vulnerability.Both women planted their feet firmly on the brakes of sensuality. It was difficult for them to trust not only their new husbands but themselves as well — and their inherent desires. They didn’t know the path from “no” to “yes” within themselves. Neither man really knew what to do to change their situation. They lacked the skills to tenderly seduce their women in a way that worked for them. They also seemed to lack the confidence to lead in order to soften and melt the resistance their wives were stuck in.No one is born a master seducer. Thankfully, loving seduction is a skill that can be learned. The men were frustrated and looked confounded and defeated by their wives’ responses. They’d literally shake their heads in disappointment and turn out the lights, leaving their wives left in the dark feeling guilty, frustrated, and stuck in their own emotional quagmire.A desire discrepancy quickly leads to a power struggle that ultimately undermines intimacy. This is the way sexual resistance for both partners gets set in place. The lower-desire partner –with their foot on the breaks – holds the power, even though they often prefer not to. They struggle with guilt that they’re not meeting their partner’s needs. They resent feeling pressured to have sex, and they dislike feeling that every gesture of affection from their partner might only be a bid for sex. The power they hold over their partner depolarizes the relationship and ultimately undermines their mutual respect.They’re so busy fending off sex that they don’t feel they have space to locate or generate their own desire. In other words, they’re so busy putting on their brakes that their foot never gets near the gas peddle. The higher-desire partner ends up feeling disempowered and resentful. They’re often confused and deeply disappointed.They want their partner to initiate more; they long to feel their partner’s desire. As for many higher desire partners, being desired is core to their sexual identity. They start feeling undesired and even undesirable. This undermines their confidence, which is felt by their partner, and arguments about sex add to their disconnection. When and if they do have sex, they feel emotionally disconnected and unable to fully let go and enjoy themselves. Couples may avoid discussing sex because the topic is fraught with tension. These walls of protection keep a relationship feeling superficial and emotionally unfulfilling.Is it any wonder why so many couples who find themselves in this push and pull dynamic, ending up wanting to avoid sex all together?When we stop sharing our intimate and more vulnerable sides of ourselves, we feel our partner doesn’t really know us or see us for who we are. When we don’t feel seen, we no longer trust our partner with the deepest parts of our ourselves. Seeking validation in our desirability can lead us to look to others whether that’s online, in person or just in our own minds. We make the choice to leave our partner behind in search for someone or something that can ease the pain.This is often the time when couples reach out to me for sex and relationship coaching. They sense a sexual power struggle has a stranglehold on their ability to trust and be intimate with each other. They just don’t know the path forward. They’ll often have seen one or more couple therapists but may have danced around the subject of sex without really addressing the root of their problem.Both partners are responsible for this dynamic, and both can take action to unravel it. There’s no recipe for this work. Each couple is unique. It’s like putting the pieces of a puzzle together.Each piece of the puzzle is a new gesture, a new insight, a new pattern or action that interrupts an expected negative outcome and, in the end, these new pieces join together to reveal a new picture. One puzzle piece might be honest communication. Others could be building trust, nonsexual touch, new sexual skills, understanding sexual polarity, intimacy building, seduction techniques, erotic explorations, and sharing of fantasies. Each piece of the puzzle connects to another until sex and intimacy is integrated as a valued part of the complete relationship picture.I’m not suggesting that these two Married at First Sight couples were destined to live lives of quiet desperation or end up divorced, but the signs were there within the first weeks and months of their marriages, and unless they changed direction, their power struggles would ultimately dictate their sexual compatibility into the future. As a sex and relationship coach watching this show I felt a little like an armchair sports fan reacting to failed conversations like a missed pass or a dropped ball. By the time the last episode rolled along, I was a little sad to say goodbye to these couples, and I wished them all the best, hoping they’d get the help they needed to gain confidence, share honestly, and ultimately master the sport of long-term love and intimacy.If you’re curious about how coaching might work in your relationship, reach out. The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

Warning: This song can get stuck in your head. It’s the Pointer Sisters’ song, I Want a Man with a Slow Hand“I want a man with a slow handI want a lover with an easy touchI want somebody who will spend some timeNot come and go in a heated rushI want somebody who will understandWhen it comes to love, I want a slow hand.”I Want a Man With a Slow Hand was written about a woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to ask for it. She wants a man who is going to take his time so she can relax and not feel rushed. She wants a slow hand so her body can warm up and become fully aroused. She wants to be ready to receive her lover into her body easily and pleasurably. And she knows what she needs for that to happen.We’re all raised on media depicting frantic lovers tearing their clothes off as fast as they can so they get to intercourse as quickly as possible and have an orgasm. Wham, bam, and it’s over! If you asked the woman in that scene if that was good for her, she’d probably say she didn’t have an orgasm and, overall, it happened too fast to really feel much of anything. She might even confess her moans were more for her partner’s pleasure because she wasn’t fully in her body enough to connect to her own desire. It was probably over before her genitals knew what was happening.If you learned how to have hot sex by watching movies or porn, your sex education lacks the wisdom of slowing down and guiding your lover’s body into an open, receptive, and pleasurable state. Slowing down with your lover is not just about reducing speed, it’s about gaining awareness.When we slow anything down, from eating to breathing to sexing, we notice much more information comes to us about what’s happening in the moment. Slowing down isn’t always an easy thing to do. At first it requires real effort!Allow me to make a quick segue to illustrate my point: The first time I visited Burning Man in the Nevada Desert, my partner and I arrived after dark. Black Rock City was in full throttle with music, lights, bikes, and people moving in every direction as far as you could see. My senses were overloaded! Signs along the road every few yards indicated the very strict 5 mph speed limit. After so many hours of traveling at 70 mph getting to the desert, it was hard to drive for a mile or two at such a snail’s pace! I found myself unconsciously speeding up and having to slow down repeatedly. But the slower I went the more I saw of this amazing environment. Once I got used to moving so slowly, I started noticing where I was and what I was traveling through. All my senses were engaged in what was happening around me. By the end of the week, a vehicle traveling 10 miles an hour seemed dangerously fast. I had found a new normal. Likewise, we can find a new normal speed when it comes to sex and sensuality. Slowing down during sex connects us to a lot of information that we’d otherwise miss. We can gain access to that information by asking ourselves these questions:What’s happening in my body? What is my body telling us? Does it feel tense or relaxed?Is there something that needs to happen to increase pleasure?What thoughts are going through my head? Am I having an anxious inner dialogue that’s undermining my pleasure and presence?Am I picking up on my partner’s signals about what they need to increase their enjoyment or feel more connection?Am I feeling my receptivity or noticing my resistance?Am I feeling each sensation or am I driving 60 miles an hour toward my orgasm?By simply slowing down, all this information becomes more available.Your partner will notice how “in the moment” you’ve become. If you take the lead in your sexual connection, you can set the pace. Tell your partner you want to slow things down and savor each moment like you would if you were dining at a Michelin-starred restaurant. The next time you spend some intimate time with a lover, set the pace by taking some deep breaths and connecting to your body. If you’re not sure how to do that, let me lead you through a simple embodiment practice:Stand up and start to shake your body. Shake it vigorously all over including your head, arms, hips, and legs. Shake all over for 60 seconds without stopping.Now close your eyes. (Be careful not to lose your balance.)Notice how you just completely changed your state within a minute of engaging with your body and moving some energy.Feel the vibration of peacefulness now that you’re still. Notice your heart beating in your chest. You can even feel the blood coursing through your veins.Scan your body for any tension. Starting from your toes and moving upward, slowly bring your attention to each part of your body. Go slow enough to notice all the tiny muscles under the larger ones that may be holding tension, and then let them relax.Once you’ve reached the top of your head, face, and scalp, find a place in your body where you feel centered and grounded in your energy. For some that might be their pelvis or belly. For others, their heart and chest area.Breathe deeply into that place and feel the difference in your connection to what is happening below your neck, now that you’ve taken a moment to scan for tension and relax.Find that centered peaceful place in your body and return to that place any time you feel anxious or stuck in your head. The next time you’re with a partner, return to that centered place and breathe fully. Then, whatever you’re doing together, slow it down. And then slow it down even more! And then even more than that! Notice what changes in your sensations, your connection to your partner, and your awareness of sharing the moment together, fully present and attentive.Being embodied and slowing down is the foundation to whatever kind of sex you’re having, whether that’s sensual, passionate, tantra or kink. Sexual sensation happens in your body, so slow down enough to be aware of what’s happening in your body, your breath, your energy. Your partner will feel the difference and follow your lead.As with all chapters of The Turned-On Couple, read this together, use it as a launch point for a conversation about sexual pacing and how you might explore new pathways to arousal. There many beautiful exercises and practices to explore in the world of slow sex.If you want to learn more about sex and relationship coaching, reach out. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

In the early 70s my female cousin was a primary contributor to my early sex education when I needed it most. For instance, she clarified that I couldn’t get pregnant by dancing with a boy, no matter how close we got. My cousin confirmed that I wasn’t the only person who touched themselves (down there). We compared our touching techniques, me on my back, her on her stomach, pressure preferences, stroking styles. I was sharing an enormous secret, and it was exciting to hear about someone else’s discoveries.Most importantly, she showed me that “wellness massagers” from Sears were used for things other than sore necks and shoulders.A few years later my first boyfriend introduced me to the real deal: A vibrator made specifically for genital arousal. It was a cream-colored, hard plastic, shapeless cylinder with a twisting on/off switch at the end. My first vibrator turned sex from an act I’d perform because my boyfriend liked it, into a sensual experience designed for my orgasmic pleasure.Here are some lessons my first vibrator taught me about sexual pleasure:Sexual pleasure is for me, not just my partner. Both genders come into sex with misconceptions and beliefs based either on inadequate sex education that doesn’t address pleasure, or porn that depicts male pleasure over female pleasure. When a young woman begins to experience sex for her own pleasure, she awakens her own sexual desire. Owning her desire makes sex not only better for her, but it makes her a better lover for her partner as well.Vibrators help me explore my own body and its unique paths to arousal. When I could give myself an orgasm (by hand or vibration) I felt more confident about having an orgasm with a partner. If a woman comes to me wanting to learn how to orgasm with her partner, I’ll first coach her in how to get comfortable with masturbation and giving herself orgasms. Once she understands how her body works, she can show her partner how to touch her and how to please her.I am in control of my orgasmic pleasure, and I don’t need to rely on anyone else to give it to me. If a woman grows up always relying on a partner to have an orgasm, she can fail to develop a sense of healthy autonomy in relationships. A woman can share partner sex, but an orgasm is something a woman can give herself. Our bodies are made for sexual pleasure, whether we’re partnered or not.My pleasure didn’t have to be earned.Women are subtly trained to believe that pleasure is a reward for being chosen, desirable, accommodating, consenting enough, relaxed enough. My first vibrator interrupted that narrative. My first vibrator didn’t care what I looked like. It didn’t need me to perform femininity. It didn’t require emotional labor or seduction. It responded to my curiosity and my willingness to feel my own arousal. My vibrator also lessened the shame that had wrapped itself around my body in adolescence. This toy was made for my pleasure, making self-pleasure shame-free. Touching myself no longer felt like a transgression. I began to understand arousal not as something that “happened to me” when someone else initiated it, but as a current I could generate and tend. The more I paid attention, the more nuanced my body became noticing different rhythms, different pressures, different moods. Sexuality stopped being a goal-oriented sprint toward climax and became a no-pressure exploration of my own body.And perhaps most surprisingly, self-pleasure made partnered sex more intimate, not less. When I no longer needed my partner to be the sole gatekeeper of my orgasm, I could relax. I wasn’t approaching sex with an unspoken expectation. I could guide my partner based on my own body-knowledge. I could receive instead of perform. My new found autonomy created choice. I could share my pleasure freely because it was already mine.My 1970’s vibrator taught me these important lessons about sexual pleasure and laid the foundation for all the other sex toys to come into my life, of which there have been many! When I remember that shapeless, hard plastic, noisy vibrator that I thought was the best invention ever, I think to my self…We’ve come a long way, baby!The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

There are places on my daily walk where I pick a small lavender bud to crush in my hands and inhale its calming fragrance. I pass a running creek that sparkles in the sun. I see dogs of all kinds engaged in their own present-moment practice. I see white clouds appearing and disappearing and vibrant colors in changing leaves.If I’m aware enough to notice these opportunities to slow down and see what’s in front of me, I take a breath and remind myself to “savor.”Savoring is more than mindfulness. Mindfulness brings us to a razor’s edge of awareness that has qualities of neutrality and acceptance. Mindfulness teaches us to be with what is. Savoring, on the other hand, brings an additional layer of experience. It brings a depth of noticing that’s filled with gratitude and appreciation, and even a sense of preciousness.We all have our moments where we fully receive the gift of what’s there to be savored, knowing that every moment is fleeting and therefore precious.When I savor something, I imagine breathing it in completely, even combining with it like I’m squeezing out every ounce of pleasure from the experience.Here are some savoring memories that come to mind: Standing in front of a brilliant sunset, immersing my nose in a bouquet of flowers, inhaling the sweet scent of a baby’s head, embracing a 2000-year-old redwood tree, cuddling up to a warm body, and feeling pride in myself and others. I can close my eyes and savor all of these memories.Sexual savoring is no different than raising a rose to your nose and breathing deeply. Sexual savoring means slowing down and noticing what’s happening — what’s worthy of appreciation. As I say to my clients, even in moments when our needs aren’t being perfectly met, there’s almost always something worth savoring. We can train ourselves to look for it.Sexual savoring is a mindset. It’s a decision we make, and an action we take. Savoring takes us out of our heads and into our present-moment senses: the curve of your lover’s hip, their voice in your ear, the beating of their heart, their laughter, their silence, the physical pleasure of sensations, and the excitement of building arousal.So many small moments are worthy of stopping, noticing, and savoring before they’re gone and replaced by the next moment! It’s like mining for the threads of gold that run through a rock; we hold the rock up to the sun to see what’s there to notice and savor.When we feel the pleasure of someone’s finger lightly traveling down our spine, we can allow ourselves to savor the experience. When we breathe in the scent of our partner’s skin, we can connect to the pure pleasure of that breath. When we feel desire arise with a loving partner, we can remind ourselves to savor that moment and mark it in our memory as something precious and worth remembering.Lovers who know how to savor are fully embodied in their sexual experience. They’re present and attuned to the moment. They don’t seek to get somewhere other than where they are. They connect to their desire and appreciation, and their partners feel it. Welcoming our own pleasure and savoring isn’t easy for everyone. Savoring may feel contrary to the messages we’ve told ourselves. Messages like:“I’m not worthy of sexual pleasure;”“I need to focus on my partner’s pleasure more than my own;”“If I can’t have the kind of sex life I want, then there’s nothing in it for me;” and“I’m too distracted by more important things to fully enjoy myself.”Allowing ourselves to take pleasure and savor an experience labels that memory as positive in our brains. It supports our ability to, in Joseph Campbell’s words, “follow our bliss” and notice where it wants to lead us.If you accept that every moment offers something to savor, sex becomes a string of moments you can mine for their embedded gold. Savoring may not solve all our sexual challenges any more than smelling a lavender bud solves all of life’s challenges, but it brings our focus to what’s happening and what’s worth our appreciation.It welcomes in the pleasure to be found and it empowers us to follow our own bliss. So, the next time you have sex (partnered or solo), slow down — for pleasure’s sake — and remember to savor the gold embedded in every moment.The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

I’m elaborating on a Substack Note I wrote this week in response to Carol Buckfire Benson’s recent post.I’ve noticed, both in other women and in myself, the common discomfort of taking up too much time or space to share thoughts, feelings, or insights. Even when invited, I notice how many women pivot too quickly back to the person they’re speaking with. In so many words, spoken or not, we’re saying: Enough about me. What about you? As if one’s acceptably allotted time has already been used up.It’s particularly noticeable when a woman pulls back abruptly in the midst of a deeper sharing, giving little time for her words to land or be received before redirecting attention elsewhere. The shift can be so quick it almost erases what was just shared. This part of us is often labeled as politeness, attunement, or emotional intelligence. And sometimes it is, but if we’re honest, it’s often laced with something heavier such as fear of taking up space, followed closely by shame at the idea of being seen as someone who wants, or needs, to be heard.What looks like social grace is often a learned reflex.From a young age, many women are socialized not only to listen well, but to manage the comfort of others. We learn to appear friendly, amenable and low risk. We learn that adult enthusiasm can be seen as social overreach, and confidence can read as arrogance. So, we learn to apologize preemptively with the words like “sorry”, with subtle gestures of retreat, we downplay, we qualify, we in essence one‑down ourselves before anyone else can.Preemptive apology shows up everywhere as adding disclaimers before speaking (“This might be silly, but…”), minimizing achievements (“It was nothing, really”), rushing through stories, laughing to signal we don’t take ourselves, or our thoughts too seriously, or cutting ourselves off mid‑sentence when we sense we’ve crossed some invisible threshold of attention. Even vulnerability becomes something we ration carefully, offering just enough to seem open, but not enough to appear indulgent or needy.What’s striking when this happens in spaces that are explicitly safe among friends, among other women. Even when invited to share more, the conditioning runs deeper than any content. Self-editing and preempted apology lives in the body as a tightening in the chest and throat, or a sudden thought, I’ve said too much.Being seen as agreeable, holding a small social footprint is often unconsciously dictated by the deep biological fear of being cast out, banished from the tribe that sustains you. The apology reflex seen so often in women is modeled and taught, and I would say, inherited from eons of generational strategies to fit in, conform and on a deeper level, survive. Social cues are learned and reinforced subtly through praise for being “easy,” “a good listener,” or “so understanding.” Over time, many women internalize the idea that connection is maintained by self‑reduction. That to be likable is to be small enough not to inconvenience anyone.When we consistently pull back before our words have time to land, we deny others the chance to truly meet us. We also reinforce the belief, internally and externally, that our experiences are secondary, optional, or excessive. The habit of one‑downing ourselves may keep the peace, but it erodes self‑trust.Noticing this pattern is the first act of resistance. Catching the moment when you’re about to apologize for speaking. Instead practice:* Expressing yourself completely and clearly without qualifying.* Allowing a pause after you share, even if it feels uncomfortable. * Resisting the urge to immediately ask a question or redirect attention. These are small, almost imperceptible shifts, but they interrupt a deeply ingrained script.This isn’t an argument for dominating conversations or abandoning reciprocity. Mutuality matters. Listening matters. But there is a difference between generosity and reflexive self‑erasure. The work is learning to tell them apart and differentiate between non-gendered social attunement and gender-dictated behavior.What would change if women trusted that their voices could take up space without justification? If being heard didn’t require a preemptive apology? If we let ourselves be witnessed fully, without rushing to smooth over the moment?In professional spaces, we often see women enter conversations already trimmed, speaking faster, hedging more, offering ideas as suggestions rather than claims. An opinion turns into a question. An insight is delivered with a disclaimer. Sorry, just one more thing. This might be off, but… I don’t want to take up too much time. These are less markers of humility so much as signals of self-apology. These patterns of communication may be justified as graciousness, when in fact they often come from anticipating disapproval before it’s been given. In contrast, arrogance and bravado are loud. They suck the air out of a room. They take without listening. But there’s a middle ground that has nothing to prove and nothing to hide, a grounded way of speaking that allows for confidence, conviction as well as correction. Over time, this way of speaking makes women’s thinking harder to track, not because it lacks clarity, but because it’s been shaped to avoid friction. Authority is expressed indirectly, if at all. And those in the room consciously or unconsciously are lowering their expectations of a speaker who lacks confidence in what they’re saying. Women have long been shaped into the role of conciliators, peace makers, bridge builders, carriers of the relational thread. Not by accident, but because cohesion has historically mattered for survival. There is something deeply tribal in this orientation of attuning to environment, to who is included or excluded, to when a rupture is forming before it becomes apparent to others. This difference has often been dismissed as softness or sidelined as secondary to “real” leadership, when in fact it reflects a sophisticated social intelligence. Bringing this wisdom into our personal lives asks for the same courage. In friendships and intimate partnerships, it means staying present with our own experience without smoothing it over, without rushing to accommodate or repair before we’re fully expressed. It means trusting that connection can withstand honesty, pauses, even mild discomfort, and that closeness doesn’t depend on constant self-adjustment and self-editing. When women stop preemptively apologizing or editing their truth in the name of harmony, relationships don’t become harsher; they become more real. The relational field grows sturdier because it’s no longer built on someone shrinking to keep the peace, but on the shared understanding that belonging doesn’t require preemptive apology or one-downing ourselves to be accepted and included.Many people feel great relief in therapy or coaching spaces where the explicit agreement is that they get to speak, uninterrupted, without apology. There is a strange disorientation that can arise at first. The beauty of those containers is not just that they allow speaking, but that they expose how rare full permission and attention actually is. They highlight the learned reflex that says our inner life must be edited for acceptability and belonging. If you long for the full attention and deep listening that comes from coaching, reach out and learn more. The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

A client told me she was doing a “Marie Kondo” on her closet, ridding herself of anything that no longer gave her ‘joy’. We went on to talk about her sex life with her partner that included a nagging resistance to being touched.Somewhere along the line she formed a belief system about touch. She couldn’t identify a particular incident that informed that belief system. There was no trauma or abuse. She just knew that when she was touched (even by her loving partner) her body would recoil, and she’d shut down.This didn’t stop her from having a sex life, but it did prevent her from looking forward to sex and enjoying it! After a few coaching sessions, she was ready to see her touch aversion for what it was - a belief system that no longer serves her. I suggested she view her beliefs much like the old sweaters she was throwing out and do a Marie Kondo on her sexual beliefs.She could hold them up one at a time and ask, “Does this belief spark joy?” This isn’t as easy as throwing out an old sweater, but it poses the same simple question. It became clear to her that she (and her body) believed receiving touch was not joyful. She packed up those beliefs and did the work of replacing them with beliefs that serve her.I reminded her of Marie’s very important step before letting something go, which is to first thank the belief for the place it held in your life and the purpose it served at the time. When we form beliefs about sex, we’re usually pretty young. Our early life experiences often imprint themselves strongly in our brain. Everything is new, we’re inexperienced, and we’re easily influenced in our attitudes . We form judgments and develop fears that can stay with us for a lifetime. That is, unless we hold them up to the light of scrutiny and ask ourselves Marie’s question, Does this belief system spark joy?Our most troubling and constricting beliefs could have protected us from hurt in the past. Our judgments and fears may have actually kept us safe at one point in time! But if those beliefs no longer reflect who you are today and no longer protect you from a threat, then you have the choice to replace old beliefs with new ones.So, rather than shoving your antiquated beliefs in a box of shame and regret, you can hold them up to the light and give them a final look. Ask yourself: What are my antiquated sexual beliefs? Is it time to open the closet door and update what’s inside?( Are core negative beliefs informing your thoughts and actions today? We now understand more about our brains than ever before, of course. We know that our brains are not static and unchangeable, in fact, they are capable of immense change. If you want to understand more about how to clear core negative beliefs and replace them with affirming, supportive beliefs, reach out.) As with all of my chapters in The Turned-On Couple, use this article to start a conversation with your partner about core negative beliefs you both may have formed over the years. You get your own copy of The Turned-On Couple for your bedside table. The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

Our culture is in a multi-decade ‘sexual revolution’ that began in the 1960s, but we’re far from being free from the deeply ingrained programming that sex is still a fundamentally shameful topic of conversation; beliefs persist that we unwittingly inherited from our parents (and their parents and their parents).You might not identify with having sexual shame. Perhaps you’re quite liberal when it comes to the sex you see on screen and in advertising.You support honest and truthful sex education and have a tolerant, accepting attitude toward less conventional sexual expressions. However, the shame I’m talking about is found less in spoken opinions and more in unspoken feelings and beliefs.Not wanting to talk about sex in our relationships is how we carry forth our ancestors’ sexual doctrine, and I see it in many of my clients. Shame impacts how we conduct ourselves around sex: the conversations we’re not willing to have with our partners, the changes we’re not willing to make, and the risks we’re not willing to take in order to have a fulfilling sex life (whatever fulfilling means to you). Sexual shame hides in the shadowy corners of the bedroom. It shows up as silence, secrecy, denial, and judgment.Shame is the reason that 20 % of committed long-term relationships become sexless. Sexual challenges are a major factor in half of all marriages ending in divorce. Conversations about sex don’t take place often enough between partners. Excuses like boredom, distraction, and loss of interest are often used to avoid sex in relationships. Shame hides behind our resignation and our capacity to put up with something that doesn’t work for us (for fear of rocking the relationship boat).The sexual revolution may have led us to the land of sexual availability when it comes to dating, hookups, and onscreen sex, but it hasn’t yet freed us of the insidiousness of sexual shame enough to embrace the honest conversations that can lead to sexual fulfillment. This is where couples often fall short to the point of silence. Even therapists sometimes skirt around the subject of sex due to a lack of training in sexuality or their own discomfort with the subject. And so the ‘elephant in the therapy session’ sits silent and ignored.If any other part of your life was threatening to end your relationship, you’d be sitting down as a team to talk about it. You’d figure it out. You’d fight for it. But because of shame, sex is a conversation into which many couples are afraid to enter, and partners remain alone in their private struggle. Shame whispers in our ear with messages like:* “I don’t like sex. I’m broken.”* “I don’t want to talk about sex. My partner should just know whatto do.”* “My partner says I’m frigid” or “my partner thinks I’m a sex addict.”* “My abuse history was my fault.”* “If I want to stay married, I have to cope with living without sex.”* “I have to hide who I am from my partner; I know they wouldn’taccept what turns me on.” * “The sex isn’t great, but there’s nothing we can do about it.”How does sexual shame operate in your life today? Are you still dragging along the remnants of sexual shame you inherited from your ancestors? We’re all a product of past generations. We all grew up in homes that shaped our sexual beliefs, but sexuality is no longer simply a marital obligation to keep the peace and procreate. Human sexuality is always evolving, and our beliefs and attitudes can evolve as well.The bodily pleasure and intimate connection we find in sex are important human needs. When we feel the truth of this, we can let go of our hand-me-down shame and rigid beliefs. We can bring more curiosity to our desires and, with that new-found curiosity, start an honest conversation with our partners about our needs and desires.If sexual shame keeps you silently coping, or worse, threatens your relationship, sex coaching can empower you and your partner to speak what too often remains unspoken. Share this chapter of The Turned-On Couple with your partner and start a conversation about what sexual shame looks like in your relationship. The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

“We haven’t had sex in months. This is not what I signed up for when we got together five years ago!”These words from a past client ring in my head now and then, when I think about couples who are dissatisfied with their sex lives. You can feel the utter frustration he felt when it came to his unmet expectations. Over those five years, his experience of his sex life changed or, more than likely, the conversation about sexual compatibility never occurred. This is often the case in new relationships when things are novel and exciting.He wasn’t experiencing what was important to him or, in other words, he and his partner didn’t share the same sex and intimacy values.“Have you and your partner ever explicitly discussed what’s important to each of you when it comes to sex and intimacy?” I asked him. “What do you both value in your experience together?” “Have you ever talked with your partner about what’s important to each of you in your sexual and intimate life together?” When you ask and answer these questions, you can explore how to harmonize your values and get your expectations met. If your values differ (which is often the case), the question arises: How do you accommodate those differences?Sex is one of the most difficult topics of conversation for couples. I’d like to offer you a framework to guide your exploration and ease things a bit.Identify and rank your sex and intimacy valuesI’ve listed some of the values that could be part of your preferred experience of sex and intimacy. Feel free to add to this list. Note which ones stand out to you. Maybe you want them all. (I do!) For this exercise, write down your top five.* Physical affection (cuddling, hugging, PDAs, and hand holding, for example)* Presence (present moment attentiveness, listening with interest)* Passion (letting go into desire, taking and being taken)* Sensuality (touching for pleasure, massage, sensation exploration)* Spontaneity (unplanned sexy time, initiating through surprise or opportunity)* Planned sex (setting a day and time, putting it on the schedule, prioritizing sex)* Playfulness (humor, laughter, lightness, games, letting your inner child out to play)* Depth (going deep, expressing emotions, feeling deeply)* Sacredness (connecting to something greater in your union, bringing in spirit as part of your experience, rituals that give meaning to your sexuality)* Kink (exploring limits, fetishes, power exchange, role play, different sexual personas)* Quantity (wanting sex often, regularity, believing that more is better)* Quality (making sex special, going for the gold, wanting the best each time)* Tenderness (loving care, kindness, protection)* Boldness (directness, asking for what you want)* Confidence (stepping into your sexiness, feeling sure of who you are)* Surrender (being led, handing over control, trusting, submitting)* Loving (to feel loved completely, adored, devoted)* Orgasms (pleasure based, making orgasm a priority, exploring different types of orgasms)* Exploration and adventure (trying new things, being open to new things, novelty)* Dominance (taking charge, leading, empowered)Now that you’ve selected five from this list (or other items you added) your next task is to rank your top five sex and intimacy values in order from highest to lowest.Get clear on what you needOnce you have your top five values sorted, consider the ways in which your partner can support those values in your sex life. Give yourself some time with this; communicating your values and needs is important, but considering how to get your values and needs met is the real conversation. Here are some examples of how you could share your values, and how your partner could support you in giving you the kind of experience that’s important to you:Value: Confidence “When you admire my body, I feel confident and sexy.”Value: Planned sex“When you express how important sex is to you, it inspires me to plan for it, and put it in our schedule.”Value: Exploration and Adventure“When you propose new experiences, it heightens my sense of exploration and adventure.”Include as much detail as possible about how your partner can support your top five values and how you can support theirs. And remember to avoid any blaming or complaining language, such as “you always…” or “you never…” There’s no looking back; there’s only moving forward! Talk as team players in making your sex and love life great for both of you. That requires kindness, curiosity, and acceptance.If my posts bring value to your relationship, please like, restack, or share. :)The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

This chapter is for a subsection of women, and the people who want to understand those women better.A therapist friend of mine once asked me if many of the women I work with ever confess that they’re just done with sex. My answer was, “yes.”They’ve had the babies and many years of sex with their partners. They’ve never felt very sexual. It was never that important to them.They’re done!When I hear a woman make such a resounding statement, I imagine a long road of frustration, obligation, unmet desires, and unspoken words leading up to that absolute declaration. Sex is not about obligation, although women have been told this for eons of time Until relatively recently women were considered the property of men. A woman’s role in life was to have a family and solely support her husband’s goals. In many parts of the world this remains the case. In my own lifetime, a woman had to get her husband’s signature to get a credit card. Women weren’t allowed to serve on a jury or have access to Ivy League education! The list goes on.It’s helpful to keep these facts in perspective as we look at the role sex plays in many women’s lives.Birth control, access to abortion, planned parenthood, marriage of choice, jobs outside the home, financial independence, consent conversations, female sexual pleasure — all are (relatively speaking) game-changers for women’s independence and their relationship to sex. It’s only been one generation since girls walked out of sex education with two takeaways:1. Keep your legs closed if you don’t want to get pregnant, and2. Boys only want one thing. (In other words, fend off the aggressors or your life will be ruined.)Desire, pleasure, seduction, and intimacy were not at all part of the sexualcurriculum or conversation (and still aren’t, largely speaking). Boys weren’t taught how to be good lovers, and girls resigned themselves to whatever happened. This was usually unfulfilling, due to the lack of understanding of the female body (and soul).These days, women may consciously understand that sex is more than simply an obligation to keep a relationship intact. Times have changed, right? Not according to the numbers, sadly. Low libido (or lack of interest in sex) is present in 26.7 percent of premenopausal women, and 52.4 percent in post-menopausal women.Is it a woman’s nature to be less interested in sex, especially as she ages, or is it the kind of sex she’s having that leaves her cold?If sex is just intercourse focused with minimal mental, emotional, and physical foreplay, a woman’s inherent nature won’t be engaged, nor will the pleasure centers throughout her body that awaken arousal. If she’s not educated to view sex as a source of her own pleasure, she’ll lack the tools, and even the inclination, to identify what she wants in sex and to ask for it from a partner. If the way a woman experiences sex doesn’t open her to connection and intimacy (whatever style of sex she’s having), she’ll eventually become resigned to feeling sex is more for her partner than for her.Women are raised to be good at giving, at putting other’s needs first, but applying those skill sets to sex can eventually lead to low sexual interest and even resentment. Obligatory sex isn’t just unsatisfying for women; it’s equally unsatisfying for their partners. I often hear them express their longing to feel desired by their partners.We’re all learning as we go. Every generation is evolving our sexual awareness. Relatively speaking, we’re still in the early days of a sex education that represents female pleasure. Women’s sexual empowerment is now part of the conversation. We’re all doing the best we can to wake up to the mistakes and inequalities of previous generations.But, behind the bedroom doors, conscious and subconscious attitudes and beliefs still linger. After all, we were raised by parents who were influenced by their parents and so on.If you understand intergenerational trauma, you know that trauma experienced in one generation affects the health and wellbeing of descendants. This intergenerational download is almost all subconscious.Ninety percent of our brain is a subconscious collection of unintentional thoughts, behaviors, and actions. How many women were indoctrinated into; * saying “no” to sex from a young age?* taught to hate their bodies based on societal standards of the time?* raised to believe that female sexual pleasure isn’t important enough to speak up about?* told that to be a good wife, they should put their husband’s pleasure above their own?* being called a “slut” and socially ostracized by their peers if they appeared to enjoy sex too much?* faking orgasms or performing to please a partner? or* never taught how to talk about sex with confidence and clarity?Early messages about female sexuality combined in our subconscious minds create confusion and ambivalence around our own sexuality.When I hear a woman say she’s done with sex, I hear her saying; she’s done with a sexual paradigm that may have never worked for her in the first place. She’s done feeling disconnected from her body and desires.She’s done with a lack of intimacy. She’s done with hardening herself to the belief that sex is not meant for her pleasure. In other words, she’s done with sex - as it is.In such instances I hope that ‘being done’ can be transformed from anending into a beginning. When one door closes, another can open.Walking through that door can be a vulnerable journey. A woman might need to transmute her resentment into a reengagement with pleasure and a discovery of her own sexual empowerment outside of the societal messages she grew up with. Can she learn to identify her sexual desires? Can she embrace sex as an integral part of her womanhood, to be shared and celebrated? I certainly hope so. My coaching practice has taught me that at least in some cases, being ‘done with sex’ is a reaction but not necessarily an endpoint. What is ever-evolving is the desire to create something better. If you or your partner are part of this subsection of women who’ve emotionally disconnected from sex, starting to talk about sex is where it all begins.Share this chapter with one another and open up about your sexual histories. Ask each other questions about what it was like growing up:* What were the messages you received (verbal or nonverbal)about sex, masturbation, and nudity?* How were you conditioned by the attitudes of family or friends?* How did you learn about sex, and how do you wish you’d learnedabout sex?* What are your early memories of sexual feelings andexperimentation?Understanding our partner’s relationship to sex, based on their life-history, is an invaluable part of a vibrant sex life. Be a good listener. Stay curious. Don’t judge or try to “fix”. Change occurs when we feel safe enough to share our honest thoughts, and when we feel loved and accepted, even in the midst of our current limitations. If you want to learn more about working with me as your coach, let’s talk.The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

We’re all on a wild ride together. There’s no question about that. Every part of our lives — including health, politics, cultural norms, and the environment — is in crisis. Depression and anxiety are skyrocketing. I don’t know about you, but it sometimes it feels like life is spinning out of control. When I sit down to write about sex, or speak to a group, a coach, or a client, the question, “Why have sex?” keeps bubbling up. Even in ordinary times it’s important to answer this question, but especially so these days.Let’s look at some of the roles sex plays in our lives and why now, more than ever, sexual intimacy can support our health and well-being.Intimacy and biologyIntimacy is my number one reason for keeping sex alive (and fulfilling) during stressful times. That applies to partner sex and solo sex. Feeling intimate is a basic human need. Sexual intimacy is a uniquely potent manifestation of that. It requires us to open up , welcome pleasure into our experience, and share our bodies as well as our hearts. Being seen by our partner in our desire and orgasmic energy is extremely intimate and vulnerable. We feel seen, accepted, and wanted. These experiences feed our hearts and souls, and all these feelings help regulate us emotionally. When we’re emotionally replenished with expressions of intimacy, we’re better able to meet the world’s demands with balance, calm and clarity.Similarly, being sexually active and fulfilled impacts our self-esteem. Feeling loved up and satisfied brightens our day and how we relate to work, parenting, and the world. Everyone in our life benefits from our sexual satisfaction!From hormones to neurotransmitters, sex creates states of relaxation and closeness that can impact a relationship for days afterwards. One female client says the closeness she and her partner feel after sex is her “why” for having sex in the first place. She sees the difference it makes in her partner’s state of happiness and mood, as well as her own. This positively impacts how she views her partner, which in turn enhances his feelings of love and acceptance for her. The wheels go around and round.Orgasms don’t just feel good in the moment: they also help protect us from depression and anxiety. So, partnered or solo, it’s healthy to include orgasms in your mental fitness routine.Those same hormones bolster our immune system, helping us to ward off illness. Sex also reduces stress. Chronic stress is endemic in our crazy world. Its damage touches every part of our human body and brain and can lead to conditions such as high blood pressure, inflammation and disease. Sexual intimacy and orgasmic release reset our nervous system and return us to a much-needed state of peace and calm.Sex is a pain reliever. Stepping out of the contraction of pain and turning our attention to pleasure may shift brain chemistry and alter one’s experience of pain. Sex helps us sleep better, too! It’s an accepted fact that sex reduces heart attacks and strokes. Having sex is on par with a brisk walk or light exercise, and it’s a lot more fun.All this is to say, find your “why’s” for keeping sex interesting and desirable — and remember them! Sex isn’t just for the stress-free, the turned-on, or the wild explorers; sex is for every human. Sexuality is an integral part of who we are born to be. It’s a magical concoction of brain chemistry, hormones, and our nervous system mixed with so much vulnerability, love, and intimacy that it calms and soothes a worried mind.Use sex to enhance your life emotionally, physically, psychologically, and spiritually. Put sex to use in ways that extend and enliven your quality of life.If sex has become predictable, intercourse and orgasm driven, or another task to cross off your to-do list, It’s time to learn and grow together.Are my posts valuable to your life and relationship? Please like and share. :)The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

With this post, we are beginning Part 3 of the Turned-On Couple. (Chapters 45-69)In the journey of long-term love and passion, few aspects of a relationship hold as much potential for connection and fulfillment as the realm of sexual intimacy. Yet, for many couples, navigating the intricacies of fulfilling sex can be a journey fraught with uncertainty, inhibition, and frustration.In Part 3 of The Turned-On Couple, we embark on a voyage of exploration, shedding light on the secrets to cultivating a deeply satisfying and fulfilling sexual connection. From communication and vulnerability to pleasure and new adventures, let’s look at the essential elements that pave the way to becoming a Turned-On Couple.Chapter 45: An Elephant in the Room: How to Talk About S-E-XWe all lived through a pandemic. World-wide, couples were forced to stop everything – stop working, shopping, partying, gathering, vacationing, and dining out. Let’s face it, we were forced to stop distracting ourselves; strip away distractions and we’re suddenly confronted with the low-level stress that’s driving us to distraction in the first place. We were forced to stop seeking outside of ourselves, which made space to start looking inside: our world of feelings, needs, emotions, and desires.If we believe we can’t change what’s missing in our relationship, it makes perfect sense to ignore what’s missing, deny the effect on us, and justify inaction. But living in denial and inaction comes at a price: intimacy. And what we lose in intimacy we gain in resentment and disconnection.If you’re living and sleeping with someone for whom you feel resentment and from whom you feel disconnected, I guarantee you’re living with stress that’s presenting itself in multiple ways daily. You may find yourself losing patience easily, snapping, withholding affection, and viewing your partner as an adversary rather than a teammate.One way you might cope with a loss of intimacy is by constructing a story. You tell yourself that you don’t want to pressure your partner. You don’t want to be selfish. You’ve been living without sex for so long, you’ve gotten used to it. Talking about sex and intimacy might rock the boat. Living with these kinds of narratives accomplishes two things: you suppress your needs and desire for intimacy, and you disempower yourself from creating change.Let’s stop ignoring the “elephant in our relationship” and start talking about it. We can even thank the elephant for sticking around and reminding us that we’re ignoring our own sensual and sexual needs.Ask yourself: What are my sexual and sensual needs? What would it look like to have them met? How do I want to be seen and accepted in my sexuality? Who am I as a sexual being and what do I actually want?We all acknowledge that to keep anything alive in our life we need to give it attention. We need to continue learning and growing. We need to invest ourselves and bring energy to it. We do this in our work. We do it in our play. We do it with our health and fitness, but for some reason we believe that our sexuality is an exemption to the rule!We start having sex as teens (usually), and normally learn how to do it with one or more partners. Eventually we get together with someone and settle down in a long-term relationship and agree to the same kind of sex (usually) for years on end with the expectation that sex will remain interesting and fulfilling. However, thinking that good sex doesn’t require attention, communication, and new learning is a myth, perhaps taught to us by romance novels, movies, and misinformed sex education.So, where to begin? Initiate a conversation about your desires between the three of you: you, your partner, and the elephant. Stop ignoring what’s not being spoken, and welcome a conversation about sex and sensuality. When you approach this conversation from a loving place of listening, curiosity, open-hearted exploration, and patience, you’ll invite in the intimacy you’ve lost along the way. Eight ground rules for talking about sex.If you’ve been silently suffering an unsatisfying sex life, the path to sexual fulfillment starts by learning to express your desires. I’m fully aware this can be a daunting task so let me offer you a few helpful tips on how to make it go as smoothly as possible. Whether you’re in a long- term relationship or currently dating, you can learn to talk about sex as comfortably as you would about where to go for lunch.Ask your partner for some time to sit down to talk about your intimate life when you’re not in bed. Choose a relaxed time and place. (I use the words “intimate life” because sex is more than just a physical act; it’s an act of intimacy, no matter what kind of sex you’re having. So, inviting your partner to talk about your intimate life telegraphs that you want to find connection. You want to feel their body close to yours and feel the love that comes from sexual connection.)If things have been less than satisfactory for a while, conversations about sex are often full of blame and guilt (whether spoken or unspoken). You might feel your partner tense up at first or get defensive as they brace for the negative emotions this subject may have brought up in the past.Here are eight ways to ease their defensiveness:1. Be patient and stay with them as they find their comfort with the conversation.2. Reassure your partner that you want to talk about your intimate life in a way that’s open-hearted. You want to hear their needs and be curious about solutions that work for both of you. Show them they can trust you enough to be honest.3. Acknowledge what you love about your partner. Help them relax and feel appreciated. Express gratitude. Make a list of all the ways they make your life better so they’re fresh in your mind. How long has it been since you’ve spoken words of gratitude?4. Be specific when you ask for what you want more of. Don’t presume your partner doesn’t like a certain activity if you’ve never actually talked about it. Don’t try to intuit what you think your partner wants; ask them directly and listen to their requests.5. Stay away from presumptions about what your partner might be feeling. You’re not a mind reader, and what they may have expressed in the past doesn’t mean they feel that way now. Ask them to share their feelings so you hear it directly from them.6. Focus your side of the conversation on your feelings rather than blaming or pointing a finger. If your partner has turned you down sexually for a while, confess how that makes you feel. “When you turn down my invitations, I feel rejected/alone/sad/abandoned.”Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable with your feelings as this invites them to do the same. Avoid statements that you know might trigger your partner. Before speaking, ask yourself this very important question: “Is what I’m about to say going to create connection or disconnection?”7. Make eye contact and be present. Take turns talking and then listening. Don’t defend yourself or interrupt. Repeat back what you heard them say. “What I hear you saying is that you feel like I only show affection when I want sex, is that right?” When they hear you say it back to them, your partner will feel heard and understood. It takes courage to open up about sex, so thank them for sharing and show your appreciation.8. Breathe and relax. Lead with confidence and presence. If your energy is relaxed and grounded, they will follow your lead.Share these ground rules with your partner. By agreeing to them you make space for conversations about sex that will leave you both feeling heard and acceptedIf this post was valuable to you, hit like. :) And if you want to find out how coaching can impact your relationship…The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

Ever wonder what happens in someone else’s bedroom? We all do, right?Consider this your “digital keyhole” into the bedroom of one of my coaching couples, Thomas and Kelly, and how they applied some of the coaching tips they received from me over the last few weeks. Then I’ll break down all nine coaching tips they used on their date night so you can learn from them as well. Thomas and Kelly came to me feeling disconnected, largely because they had been letting their sex life slide. The ripple effect of not prioritizing their intimacy created emotional distance and some lurking resentments on both parts. Taking my advice, they planned ahead on when and where they were going to have some intimate time. They decided on a midweek evening, after the kids were settled down and the house was quiet. Thomas told Kelly there were some rules to their engagement that evening. They were to both dress up for each other. Thomas told Kelly to put on something sexy and see-through so he could appreciate her body and said he would dress however she wished.Thomas asked that once they crossed the threshold of their bedroom that evening, no casual conversation occur about work, news, kids, money, or other day-to-day matters. Their conversation was to be about their relationship, their shared plans, their sexual turn-ons, or present-time feelings, or in other words, subjects that create connection rather than the mundane parts of their partnership.Thomas brought his computer into the bedroom so they could look at some sex toys; each of them could purchase something they’d like to introduce into their sexual play together. Thomas took the initiative to dim the lights, put on some music, and prepare a favorite drink for Kelly. There were no expectations other than conversation and sharing some intimate time.They could become sexual or not depending on their moods. When things ended up progressing over to the bed. He suggested some explorations with spanking and sensation play, which they’d never tried before but were both curious about. Interestingly, Thomas’ intermittent issues with ED disappeared that evening.The next day we all got on the phone to talk about their experience, and I praised them for all the small changes they made to make their time together not just good, but awesome! Let’s look at the nine reasons why Thomas and Kelly had a great date night:1. Thomas and Kelly both agreed to schedule a day when they could share some intimate time together. Planning sex sets you up for a good experience. They were both prepared, showered, and shaved. And they had a few days to anticipate their upcoming date.2. Thomas had a sense of how he wanted their time together to go, so he and Kelly both agreed that he’d plan that evening. With Thomas taking charge, Kelly could relax and follow his lead. This created the kind of sexual polarity that helped fuel their attraction and desire.3. Thomas gave Kelly a clear and simple request to wear something specific that he liked, which gave Kelly a tangible action to perform. She also appreciated knowing that Thomas wanted to see her body in something sexy. His request helped her feel attractive and desired.4. Thomas stated his boundaries by requesting that their conversation be restricted to subjects that fostered intimacy. All other subjects of conversation were left outside of the bedroom for that night.5. Thomas brought his computer into the bedroom for the sole purpose of looking at some online sex toy stores. This was a fun shopping experience that helped them both connect to and share their desires. He also gifted Kelly with any toy or accessory she wanted to purchase. 6. Being the one who chose to lead, Thomas took responsibility for creating a sensual space before Kelly arrived. He changed the nightstand light bulb to a red one, he found some music he knew she’d like, and had their drinks ready when she entered the bedroom. These gestures helped her feel cared for.7. He also led her over to the couch rather than the bed so they could spend some time talking and sharing. Thomas didn’t have any issues with ED that night, which he’d been experiencing since he’d entered his fifties. He realized that taking the time to share and connect before sex was exactly what his body needed to become aroused.8. They both agreed there was no expectation about whether sex would happen or not, so neither of them felt pressured to please or perform if the desire wasn’t there. They wanted their actions to follow their desires in the moment rather than have expectations or assumptions that sex would happen. As it turned out, they did both get turned on, by taking their time and connecting first. 9. As things started to escalate Thomas suggested they try something new. He asked Kelly if she’d be interested in some sensation play and spanking. Something he knew she was curious about based on previous conversations earlier that weekThis introduced some novelty into their sexual play and allowed them to see new sides of each other that were more playful and experimental. It also underscored the sexual polarity they were already feeling through Thomas’ directive leadership, and Kelly’s state of surrender and willingness to be led. (They agreed that the next date night, Kelly would lead, giving Thomas a chance to relax and receive. The next day the three of us met on Zoom to talk about how well the date night went and why. We talked about what worked and why it worked for them. They shared each other’s favorite moments and what they might want more of next time. They also enjoyed reliving and sharing their evening with me. Talking about sex can be fun, liberating and confidence building. I congratulated them for the choices they made to create a date night that was a great success on all nine counts.When I watch a couple move from disconnection and frustration to becoming reengaged and turned on, I see how everything they sought was already within them. They just needed to expand outside of their routines, get refreshed in viewing each other as lovers again, finding their way back to presence, passion and pleasure.The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

I won’t say exactly how long cannabis has been in my life, but the release of Dark Side of the Moon and my first joint fell in the same calendar year!I feel like a relic of the past when I remember terminology like doobie, roach clip, and head shop. That was also the year my sexuality came fully into being. Ergo, the idea of combining consciousness-altering substances with sensual pleasure is not new to me.Cannabis is now legalized in many States, taking its rightful seat at the table of other health and wellness enhancement medicines. We no longer have to feel like criminals when we indulge in this sacrament; we can actually have a grown-up conversation about what’s available in the realm of entheogens. And as a sex and intimacy coach, I’m particularly excited to share openly about how you can use cannabis to heighten your sensuality and partner intimacy.Losing your mindWhen it’s time to be in your body rather than your head, I hope you can answer “yes, I’m in my body”, and “Yes, I’ve lost my mind!” In a recent questionnaire for my readers, roughly half answered in the affirmative when asked if they were too preoccupied with negative thoughts to let go and enjoy themselves sexually. Being stuck in our heads during sex and sensuality is a top challenge for all genders. All that thinking and overthinking can undermine our openness to closeness with our partner.Let’s look at the notable ingredients of cannabis: THC and CBD. The levels of these two compounds will dictate the effect of cannabis on your intimate experiences and bodily pleasures.CBD refers to a class of compounds that offer health benefits but generally don’t alter your mood or mental state. CBD potions and remedies are available for a wide variety of health concerns. THC is the component that makes you feel “high” or “stoned,” and is the main ingredient we can harness to enhance sex. With a little research and experimentation, you can determine your optimal level of THC. The “right dose” will relieve the chronic overthinking that leads to anxiety — the number one enemy of sexual performance and satisfying orgasms.Too much THC can make you feel sluggish, dissociated, and even a little anxious (among other effects). A suitable “Goldilocks dose” (neither too big or too small) will elevate your mood and expand your perspective. Note that today’s cannabis shops offer dozens of strains to choose from. Like a bottle of wine, each cannabis strain has its subtle qualities, but generally speaking they break into two categories. Indica — which tend to offer a heavier body load (the feeling of a “body stone”) — and Sativa — which is more of a heady trip. Sativa is valued by aficionados for expanding creativity or even boosting energy. With Indica you might be inclined to lie on the couch and listen to music; with Sativa, you could find yourself absorbed in a creative project or, for those so inclined, tidying the house!What’s best for you and your partner will vary from person to person and couple to couple. Indica might be your thing, or Sativa, or a blend. Some prefer to smoke it; others prefer edibles. If this is all new to you, start with small amounts and seek a good time and place or “set and setting” as they say in psychedelic communities. Please be aware that cannabis doesn’t agree with everyone, and don’t forget to check its legal status in your jurisdiction. I certainly don’t wish to be seen as encouraging people to break the law in their locality.Our society has condoned the use of alcohol for eons to settle us down, take the “edge off,” and to function as a social lubricant. Personally, I don’t feel that alcohol (other than in very small amounts) lends itself to intimacy, for a variety of reasons. Alcohol can lead to nausea. It’s physically addictive which may lead to substance abuse and conflict. And when it comes to sex, alcohol impairs performance by numbing sensations and dulling our mental and situational awareness. (Not to mention the toxic after-effects of hangovers.)Cannabis, on the other hand, brings us into the present moment and focuses our attention. It stimulates desire and creative thinking, and it enhances feelings of connection. It increases the intensity of our physical sensation and heightens the quality of our orgasms!Again, the secret in using any consciousness-altering substance is experimentation and moderation. If you want connection, don’t get so high that you can’t be present and attuned to your partner! Please be a grown up and a responsible sexual partner. Start with small amounts and increase until you discover your optimal state for intimacy with a partner, or intimacy with yourself. And if you don’t want the “higher” love, that’s okay too. (of course!)Cannabis is simply an option that some people enjoy for certain experience- enhancing qualities. With the advent of medical grade cannabis and low-dose THC, we can also get the health benefits of cannabis without the buzz.Choose your strain of cannabis based on how you want to feel. Many people will find a hybrid of Indica and Sativa a good starting place for their experimentation. Too much of one and you’re sleeping on the couch. Too much of the other and you might feel less inclined to cuddle. Note that you can enjoy some of the sexual benefits of cannabis without feeling high!If you purchase low-THC cannabis products that are nevertheless rich in CBD compounds, cannabis can create more blood flow to the genitals and increase nerve sensitivity. CBD can relax tense pelvic floor muscles and reduce vaginal pain and erection challenges. Cannabis with high levels of CBD also eases symptoms of menopause, mood swings, sleep disturbances, and even bone loss. So it’s not all about the gifts of THC!Questions to ask yourself are: How do I want to feel? What am I using it for? Am I primarily looking to get high? And if so, how high? What’s my preferred method of consuming cannabis? Smoking the flower? Vaping it? Eating it? Or applying creams, spraying oils, or using suppositories? Do I prefer Indica, Sativa, or a blend? All these choices will impact your experience. Don’t be shy at cannabis stores and dispensaries. The staff are usually knowledgeable and happy to recommend products with names like Bubblegum Kush, Sour Diesel, Blue Dream, Love Potion #1, and so on. Don’t be nervous, either, about asking for something that’s good for sex and intimacy. You’re not the only one asking, and these people have heard it all before!The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

Watching other people have sex is tucked deep into our DNA. We’re drawn to it out of curiosity, the thrill of voyeurism, the excitement of arousal, and the big-time driver in our human bodies, the desire to procreate. Watching others have sex has signaled the desire to have sex ourselves since time immemorial. As a sex and relationship coach, I see how porn tends to pit partners against each other and lead a couple down the road of sexual shame, secrecy, and mistrust. It doesn’t have to be this way.I’d like to widen your definition of porn and share some thoughts on how it can be used as a tool for sexual communication and exploration. Whether you defend porn or deplore it, you’ll find heaps of opinions that support you, as well as large swaths of people who will vehemently disagree with you.Porn is not an argument to be won, or even a problem to be solved; pornography or erotica is something to be discussed, understood, and (for those who are inclined) integrated into a relationship as a tool to enhance your sex life, rather than damage it.Pornography (depictions of people having sex) has been around for thousands of years. Erotic art has existed since the dawn of civilization, from Pompeii’s frescoes to India’s Tantric temple carvings and ancient fertility symbols. Far from taboo, these early depictions celebrated pleasure, creation, and connection. Ethical porn today continues that timeless tradition of exploring desire with intention and respect..Welcome to the InternetThe internet has made porn so ubiquitous in our society that, these days, pretty much everyone has seen porn of some kind, and most of us have formed our position for or against it based on our sexual identities, our views on freedom of speech, our moral judgments, and our human rights perspectives.It’s hard to pigeonhole porn these days. Like everything else, porn is changing and expanding. Whether it was yesteryear’s 8mm “stag films” or the Betamax or VHS videos of the 1980s that interspersed sex scenes with campy plots, the multi-billion-dollar porn industry evolved from the perspective of the business of creating increasingly explicit content for a primarily male consumer audience. The porn industry has more recently tilted toward decentralization, which has resulted in better conditions for actors. A more direct and personalized experience is emerging via platforms like LiveCam, and OnlyFans sites that, in effect, make it possible to earn money from broadcasting erotic experiences directly from a person’s bedroom to paying customers. Porn will always be part of our world. With the evolution of technology like VR headsets, porn will survive and thrive in forms we can currently barely imagine. And with blockchain technology, it will be difficult, if not impossible to ban or censor it. Like water through rocks, porn will always find it’s path to be the driving front-runner of any new technology. The market demand has proven this to be the case, to date. Even within the latest censorship laws (in the United States these are known as “FOSTA-SESTA”) that make it nearly impossible to use the word “sex” anymore in social media platforms (including the words “sex education”!) without losing your account and entire online business. Regardless, porn will, I have no doubt, remain one of the most sought-after subjects on the internet. When a society suppresses sexuality in the form of porn, it’s probably also suppressing healthy sex education, as we see in schools across the country. Without an open, shame-free forum for sex education, we’re left with only the lies and stereotypes that mainstream porn imparts. This shows up in sexual challenges for our young people today.Click Here Now!Mainstream porn entertainment is designed to entice you into watching more of it. If porn was based on real-life sex, we’d likely become bored. Why? Because real sex often includes things like seduction, touching, relaxed orgasmic build-up, and intimate conversation between partners. Sometimes sex includes awkwardness, or messiness. Sometimes it’s amazing, and sometimes it falls a little short. That’s the way real sex is. The delicious nuances that make for great sex can’t be experienced from the outside. These unseen factors are felt between the people engaged in intimacy, including connection, presence, chemistry, and vulnerability. This isn’t exactly clickbait material for the ever-decreasing human attention span that’s now approaching that of a goldfish (so they say).We need to differentiate between mainstream porn, which makes money from clicks and ads, imparts misinformation, sets us up for impossible expectations, and desensitizes us to reality, and porn that’s potentially useful as a tool to help couples discover and enjoy their erotic desires.One of the more common complaints I hear from couples about porn is that one partner watches it privately, while the other feels betrayed and becomes judgmental.Understandably, secrecy born out of fear of judgment doesn’t lend itself to a happy, secure relationship. Whether it’s porn or online shopping, if we believe the only way to avoid conflict is to go underground, then it’s time for some honest conversations and agreements! Coming out of the ‘porn closet’ might seem scary, but surprising conversations can take place given the right environment and support.Porn use is just one of many topics of conversations couples have in my sex and intimacy coaching. If there’s tension between partners about porn, these conversations may hurt a little at first, but the healing that comes with honest sharing is well worth the initial discomfort.The reasons behind watching porn are varied and depend on the circumstances. People turn to porn for all sorts of reasons, including stress release, curiosity, novelty, and exploration of desires, as well as current dissatisfaction with sex. If viewing porn is having a negative impact on a relationship, both partners need to sit down and really listen to each other (maybe for the first time). Some couples have never spoken about porn without inflicting shame, blame, and judgment on each other.Take away the emotional battering, and a conversation about porn can lead to all sorts of shared insights and perspectives. There’s far more to porn these days than the aforementioned mainstream, male-focused fare that’s so easy and free to find.I’d like to point out the ways in which porn, in its most ethical forms, can help couples tune in and turn on to online sex. Since porn is here to stay, let’s look at what’s out there, and how to discern between the good, the bad, and the ugly! Ethical porn in a (largely) unethical industryThis is what Google says about ethical porn:Ethical porn can be defined as that which is made legally, respects the rights of performers, has good working conditions, shows both fantasy and real-world sex and celebrates sexual diversity.You’re more likely to find “ethical porn” when you move from the larger mainstream porn sites to paid or subscription sites that are independently produced and distributed. These smaller productions companies make more diverse content showing a wider range of body types, genders, races, and different sexual activities. Most importantly, it includes a woman’s perspective (in front of the camera and behind it); since one-in-four people who watch porn are women, this is a game changer! If we only expose ourselves to the same types of people and a limited depiction of what sex looks like, we’re going to severely narrow our own expectations of sex with a real partner and come to believe that sex only looks a certain way. Ethical porn doesn’t support harmful racial and gender stereotypes. It often shows consent conversations on screen and underlines the importance of pleasure for all involved. Off screen, the working conditions are safe, and the wages are fair. In other words, the actors have agency and are treated respectfully.Watching ethically produced productions removes the dissonance that arises around all the injustices commonly found in mainstream porn. Most women I work with do not want to see the misogyny and stereotypes that a lot of male-focused porn promotes. Because most women know very little about alternatives to the mainstream porn fare, they understandably refuse to watch porn at all. They end up judging their partner’s porn viewing habits by this metric, which tends to drive their partner’s porn-watching underground. The breach of trust, along with the disapproval of porn, as they know it, will shut down further conversations about porn, leaving both partners feeling misunderstood.Asking a reluctant, judgmental partner to explore new styles of porn that might appeal to them is a conversation that requires sensitivity and tact! Do your homework first and give your partner links to sites geared to their sexual style and sensibility, whether that’s romantic and sensual or wild and kinky. Let them do their own research without you looking over their shoulder. Ask them to choose one or two sites that engage their imagination and share them with you when you have some private time together. Reassure your partner that your interest in watching porn together is about enhancing your sex life together, not replacing them with fantasies about porn stars. Talk about the reasons why couples enjoy watching porn together, and (of course) read this chapter of The Turned-On Couple together.Watching ethical porn togetherLet’s explore the reasons some couples might want to watch ethically- produced porn together. * One reason might be a lack of sexual experience. Whe n a person hasn’t had many sexual partners, they’re curious about sex. What’s normal? How do other couples have sex? What does pleasure look like with other couples? * By imagining themselves in the roles of the actors, individuals and couples can start to enjoy watching their fantasies played out by others before exploring new experiences themselves. If the porn is realistic, it gives them confidence to step into new forms of sexual expression.* Amateur porn introduces us to sex-positive couples who like to make their own porn for others to watch. By example, they teach us that sex doesn’t have to be shameful and hidden. We can empower our relationship to sex by watching others express and share what turns them on.* Couples can find novel ideas to expand their erotic menu. Many people will admit they still have sex the same way they did in high school. Yet our sexuality can change like any other part of our life. * When we watch porn together, we expose ourselves to new sexual styles and energies and evolve (both in terms of how we see ourselves, and how our partner sees us). Partners can find sexual acts or activities that excite them and then share them with their partner. * Kicking off a conversation about things you find exciting isn’t always easy. By doing some solo investigation, we can find porn that turns us on, and share our desires with our partner.* We can also learn about our partner’s erotic fantasy life and distinguish between things they want to try and things they’d prefer just to fantasize about. Liking a certain kind of porn doesn’t mean you have to, or even want to, experience it for real.* Diversity in porn includes age. Porn focuses predominantly on younger people, giving the message that older folks either don’t watch porn, want to see younger bodies, or don’t care about sex that much anymore, none of which is necessarily true (at all!) Many years ago, during my own sexual education I watched porn featuring a couple in their seventies. It was then, and still is a novel demographic to see represented in “porn”.I was touched by the mood and energy of their lovemaking. They looked extremely relaxed with their bodies, and their relationship to their sexuality was confident and emotionally connected. They weren’t performing, or trying to be ‘hot’. They laughed together, talked during sex in the form of feedback and what they wanted, and enjoyed post-orgasm intimacy in each other’s arms. The video depicted sex as a lifetime enjoyment that has no age limit. Now that I’m one of the older folks myself, I coach many seniors in having fulfilling sex lives. Is it possible that sex gets better as we get older? Yes, for so many reasons!It’s easy to get drawn into porn rabbit holes that aren’t necessarily your bag and shut you down to looking any further. If you want to explore ethical online porn, here are a few resources to point you in the right direction:* 1. Watch a TED Talk given by Cindy Gallop* (www.makelovenotporn.tv): https://www.ted.com/talks/cindy_gallop_make_love_not_porn* 2. Read an article on Erika Lust, just one of many female porn directors who are changing the face of porn:* https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a20471/how-female-filmmakers-are-reinventing-porn-for-stylish-women/* 3. Read an article about a senior couple who agreed to star in an Erika Lust film: * https://melmagazine.com/en-us/story/why-these-seniors-decided-to-start-making-porn-in-their-seventies* 4. Learn about the world of erotica and the power of the written word. You don’t have to sit in front of a screen to get turned on! https://www.frolicme.com* 5. Check out Dipsea. It’s an app that is focused on helping women tap into their sexuality more easily through the power of storytelling. Listening to erotica can be a great way to close your eyes and allow your multitasking brain to take a break. https://www.dipseastories.comI hope this opens your eyes to the fact that there’s a wide variety of porn available for those who dislike the mainstream commercialized variety.Spend a bit of money and support porn and erotica that promote inclusivity, authenticity, and sex positivity for all genders and sexual styles!The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

Sexual desire discrepancy in long-term relationships isn’t an anomaly; it’s built into the lifestyle of cohabitation and is pretty much guaranteed to develop at some point within the first couple of years in a new relationship.Desire discrepancy is normal and to be expected, yet it remains one of the most painful and destabilizing challenges a couple must face. This dynamic pits partners against each other in a battle of blame, guilt, and defensiveness. Given the reluctance most couples have to talk about sex openly, it’s hardly surprising that differences in sexual desire become a cauldron of mistaken presumptions, misunderstandings, and unspoken shame. The higher-desire partner feels shame about their role as sole initiator, and the lower-desire partner feels shame about their lack of desire for sex. Both become stuck in their story of failing at sex. They’ve lost the safety and security they once had in the sanctuary of each other’s arms.Nature giveth and nature taketh awayNew relationships are fueled by novelty and sexual intensity. Nature sets us up for procreation by pumping us with feel-good hormones like serotonin and norepinephrine. When sex is infused with the natural high of these hormones, it can lead to unrealistic expectations that the relationship will continue forever with this kind of intensity and mutual desire. Gazing at each other through rose-colored glasses, we tell ourselves we’ve finally found our perfect sexual match. After one to three years in a relationship, the infatuation hormones slowly fade. Sexual desires shift, sexual frequency changes, and the higher-desire partner is left to wonder what happened to their sweetheart’s ready and willing state of arousal. The lower-desire partner becomes mired in feelings of guilt and defensiveness. Add in the sometimes daily pressure for sex from their partner and sex becomes a quagmire of negative emotions that kills desire and builds resistance.This initial phase of disillusionment is the time when couples need to start talking about sex in an open and honest way. Rather than accusing our partner of changing or viewing each other as adversaries with competing needs, couples can pull together and view themselves as a sexual team, equally responsible for their sex life’s health and wellness. This is where their work begins as a sexually engaged couple.We can thank books, movies, and (especially) porn for perpetuating the great lie. What is this lie? That sex is always hot, spontaneous, and satisfying for both parties; that sex always includes strong, long-lasting erections, ever-ready lubricated vaginas, and endings with mutually coinciding orgasms. As most long-term couples will tell you, this isn’t the case. Sex is more varied than what we’re fed by the media. Real sex isn’t a “performance” that goes from zero to sixty in less than a minute.Real sex is more relaxed: it’s authentic, sometimes awkward, sometimes messy, and all of this makes real sex more vulnerable than anything you see on a screen. It’s not performed to “entertain” or hold the undivided attention of someone watching. (Well, not usually…)Statistics tell a more accurate story Roughly 40 to 50 percent of sexual encounters in long-term relationships are mutually satisfying; 25 percent are better for one partner than the other; and 15 percent will be unsatisfying for both. Knowing this and having realistic expectations allows couples to relax when they don’t quite hit their “high bar.” If your relationship is nurtured with regular nonsexual affection and loving gestures outside of the bedroom, you’ll feel more relaxed when sex occasionally falls short. Couples with a healthy openness in their sex life can let it go — even laugh it off — and accept that sex isn’t always going to meet the mark. And that’s okay!The plight of the lower-desire partnerUnlike the higher-desire partner, whose focus is sex, the lower-desire partner has to contend with resistance. Resistance isn’t always easy to understand, even when it’s our own. As you know by now from reading my teaching, discussing sexuality, sensuality, and intimacy is key. Shame-filled silence will keep us hidden in our self-doubt and self-judgment. If the lower-desire partner assumes the burden is on them alone to figure it out, guilt, shame, and resentment will drive any potential for desire underground. When we approach sex as a team, the challenge around desire is shared by both partners. When sex is blame and guilt-free we feel open to exploring solutions that meet both partners’ needs. Spontaneous vs Responsive DesireIt’s helpful to understand that desire presents itself differently to different people. Higher-desire partners may experience desire in a more spontaneous way, with the experience of sex descending upon them. They might start to feel aroused physically, or sexual desire will infiltrate their thoughts out of the blue as they find themselves lost in a sexual fantasy. Desire will present itself, and they’ll feel moved to have sex. It’s natural for them to assume desire moves in their partner in the same way. Higher-desire partners wonder if their partner even desires them since they never initiate sex.Lower-desire partners might experience desire quite differently, for instance as a response to stimuli that arouses them. If you were to ask them if they’re interested in having sex, their response might initially be “no.” But once they open themselves to arousing stimuli — whether in the form of touch, visuals, or seductive words — and if the invitation is made in a way that attracts them, then responsive desire starts to move in them. These are the people who will admit to not wanting sex initially but to enjoying the sex once things get rolling.Owning your turn-ons and turnoffsIf resistance plays a role in your sexuality, it’s time to investigate. Sit down and write a list of the things that turn you on — and the things that turn you off — to the idea of having sex. Often conditions play a big role in our “yes” and “no.” You might be surprised to see what’s on your list of turn-ons. Your turn-ons might include:having transition time between work and play;knowing the kids are out of the house and won’t knock on the door;feeling energized after a run or exercise ;listening to certain music;dancing and being silly together; reading an erotic story;Your turn-offs might include:having sex after a big meal when you’re feeling full and tired;jumping into sex without first emotionally connecting with your partner;feeling too rushed to find your own pleasure; the lights being too bright; the room being too cold; worrying that your body won’t perform as you wish.Make a list of five to ten of your own openers and closers, so you can see them all on paper, and share it with your partner. They’ll better understand how desire works for you so they can support the conditions that help you open up.Breaking the habit of resistanceResistance is sneaky. It’ll show up even before you’ve given sex much thought. It may whisper messages based on fears and insecurities:My partner doesn’t find me attractive anymore.I take too long to orgasm.I’m a boring lover.My kids will walk in on us.I’m afraid to ask for a certain sexual experiences .I’ll lose my erection.I’ll never meet my partner’s needs.I need to drink or get high before sex.I fear painful or dysfunctional sex and can’t do anything about it. I dislike the pressure of being someone I’m not during sex.Start to observe the thoughts behind your resistance and question if they’re true or not. Talk to your partner about the negative beliefs that contribute to your resistance. If you’re working as a sexual team, your partner will appreciate your sharing. Ask them to help you rewrite your negative thoughts into positive affirmations that feed your self- confidence and self-esteem.Saying No with LoveSaying “no” to our partner’s initiation is hard on both people. “No” is a door closer and leaves little room for any other thoughts or solutions.If you’re usually a “no” to sexual intercourse, as a pattern, ask yourself what you might be a “yes” to? Get curious about what you’re open to and learn how to deliver your “no” in a way that doesn’t slam the door in your partner’s face. Couch your “no” with a statement of appreciation like, “I’m too tired to have intercourse right now, but I appreciate your desire to be close. Would you like to have an orgasm another way?” Or “I’m looking forward to being sexual with you. Can we set a date for tomorrow rather than tonight?” Before you answer your partner’s request for sex with a defensive “no,” feel your partner’s own vulnerability in their request and ask for what you want from a place of connection. Coming together as a sexually empowered team will keep sex alive and well, for real.If you need help with desire discrepancy in your relationship, coaching can lead to a entirely new chapter in your sex life. The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

You can’t argue someone into loving you, yet in effect that’s the conflict in which many no-sex or low-sex couples find themselves. Chronic anger around a couple’s sexuality poisons a relationship and stresses their emotional bond. When the higher-desire partner badgers, guilt trips, nags, pouts, barters or begs for sex, they unwittingly turn sex into a commodity to be acquired, an argument to be won. While such pressure tactics may work in the outside world, power struggles in the bedroom only end in frustration and conflict. It sounds obvious, but couples in long-term relationships continuously get trapped in this destructive pattern.This clearly self-defeating dynamic doesn’t happen overnight: it develops over time as a toxic response to a seemingly unsolvable sexual standoff.This standoff places loving partners at odds with each other, setting them up as combatants fighting for their position and perspective while under the pressure of conflict and disconnection. It’s a lose/lose strategy that leads either to separation or resignation that neither partner will enjoy their desired sex life. The higher-desire partner feels like they have no choice but to push through the lower-desire partner’s resistance in order to convert them to the idea they should have sex. The request for sex is often laced with anxiety; if there’s a history of refusal, resentment will lurk under the surface. This is not a winning strategy for intimacy of any kind.Please understand: I don’t want to minimize the hurt and disappointment of the higher-desire partner. It’s not easy to be continuously rejected when we make ourselves vulnerable enough to ask for sex and affection. At some point, the higher-desire partner may choose to stop initiating altogether, to avoid the pain of rejection. Ongoing rejection creates all sorts of negative thoughts and beliefs:* I’m unattractive.* I’m a bad lover.* I’ll never get what I want and need. * I’m being punished. * The future of my relationship is uncertain.All these negative thoughts lead to an underlying stress that permeates the relationship and undermines trust and intimacy – the very things necessary for desire to be present. Both partners suffer greatly in this power struggle. Even when sex does happen, the undercurrent of resentment of both parties can make sex feel mechanical and emotionally guarded. Is it surprising then that one or both partners lose interest in sex altogether? Being argued into having sex is like being pressured into giving someone your car keys or loaning them a treasured book. Sex is not a thing to borrow or a favor you perform for your partner to appease their anger and ease tension. Sex is a mutual experience, a space you both agree to enter into together for intimacy and fulfillment. The only way to gain an enthusiastic “yes” to sex is to attract your partner into entering that intimate space with you. Unlike coercion, attraction takes thought, investigation, curiosity, and creativity.I remember, years ago, the words of a higher desire client, who suddenly stood up from their chair and said:“I married my partner with the understanding that sex would be an important part of our marriage,” he proclaimed. “I didn’t change my mind about that. She did. I have a right to be angry, and I’ve told her that!”I agreed with his sentiments and his emotions. He had every right to feel like he’d lost something important to him. Yet it was also clear he wasn’t going to find what he was looking for via anger or guilt-tripping his wife.When I asked what he liked most about sex with his wife, he softened. He started speaking about the closeness they once shared in intimate moments. He missed the touching and the connection. He spoke about the feeling of escaping the outside world together for a while.“I miss her,” he finally said, like it was a sudden insight. “If I can’t share that kind of experience with her anymore then I’m just living with a roommate. It’s not what I want, and I don’t think it’s what she wants either.” His anger melted into sadness and disappointment.“Have you told her lately what you love about having sex with her?” I asked him. “Have you ever told her that you miss sharing that with her? Have you told her you miss her? This is what she needs to hear,” I added. “Not that she’s wrong for losing interest in sex, or that she should have sex whether she wants to or not.”If you wanted your partner to swim across a pond to join you on the other side, you wouldn’t throw a rock at them to pressure them into crossing; you’d more likely toss them a life jacket to make their trip across easier. In this scenario, intimacy or connection is the life jacket you toss to your partner.Note also that attracting our partner into intimacy requires us to first become intimate ourselves - to become vulnerable and honest about the unexpressed feelings we harbor underneath the anger or coercion.When we approach our partner with our offensive armor down, they’ll feel safe to lower their defenses. We can ask for a truce in the daily sexual power struggle so that honest words can be spoken without blame or judgment.We’re all responsible for our circumstances; the roles of victim and perpetrator don’t have a place in my sessions. There are no purely innocent parties. Once this dynamic is understood and released, healing and a new dynamic can take its place. Here are some initial steps to consider:Talk about it. This is easier said than done, I know. If conversations about sex are charged with blame and defensiveness, then you’re going to have to wipe that slate clean and come into the conversation with your white flags up. Let your partner know you want to work on your sexuality as a team and end the pattern of conflict around sex.Take responsibility. Own your part in creating the push-pull dynamic around sex. If you have challenges controlling your anger or criticism, find a coach who can teach you some tools to use when you’re triggered. It will change your life!Speak from your experience. Offer your partner vulnerability and share your disappointment rather than your judgment.Be curious. Investigate your partner’s relationship to sex and how they feel about your sex life together. If they feel safe from emotional punishment they may open up about their blocks as well as their needs and desires.Ask questions. With sincere interest, help your partner share their deepest truth. There are many reasons behind sexual inhibition or reluctance (too many to list here).Be patient. If you don’t get the hoped-for open-hearted response the first time, stay the course. Entrenched patterns take time to shift.Trust takes time to build. Let them experience the change in you first so they can find their own change in response.Seek help. Finally, and most importantly, know that you don’t have to go it alone! Your journey back to fulfilling, intimate, turned-on sex could benefit from the help of a professional. Think of it as the difference between a dangerous slog through the jungle and a fun, safe, guided safari adventure.To paraphrase the Bard:All the bedroom’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players; they have their fears and their strategies, and one person in their time plays many parts…Like, share or restack. Substack loves your engagement and it helps others find the information they might need.The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

Sex is probably one of the hardest things to discuss with a partner. It’s easy to take things personally because sex is deeply personal. Many couples tell me the only time they talk about sex is usually when there’s tension or a complaint. If a conversation about sex always leads to bad feelings then of course we’ll avoid the subject. There’s another way to talk about sex that is more relaxed, curious and intentional. Confessing our desires and asking for what we want takes courage and trust that your partner will hold your feelings with care. If sex is difficult for you to discuss, the best thing to do is to start talking, but do it in a way that you both feel heard and understood.Put aside time for a private conversation. Wait until you both feel relaxed and your minds are clear (from work, kids, chores, unresolved disagreements, and the other concerns of daily life). Take the conversation out of the bedroom. Turn off your phones. (Seriously!) Get cozy and make physical contact. Set the scene to explore feelings and be ready to listen deeply. This isn’t about trying to get someone to behave as you wish; it’s about confessing your desires and listening to theirs! Don’t wait until you’re exhausted at the end of the day: carve out moments for conversation when you have the energy to talk and listen. Take your space. Many of my clients are self-conscious about closing their bedroom door during the day for alone time if they have family in the house. Show your family members that you prioritize and value your relationship by taking time to nurture it, whether it’s for talking, cuddling, or sex. You’re showing your kids that your relationship matters to you. That’s good modeling.Take turns sharing. It never works when two people try to share at the same time. If one of you is sharing, the other needs to only listen until they’re finished talking. Stay open-hearted and open-minded without words or looks of judgment and shaming. Don’t interrupt! Be patient until they’ve said what they want to say. When they’re finished, you can ask if there’s anything else they’d like to add. And then thank them for sharing. Ask them how they felt about sharing their desires. They might have felt nervous about it and now feel relieved. Or they might suddenly feel embarrassed or afraid of being rejected. Be sensitive to their feelings and remember that our erotic minds are all unique! We can’t fully understand where our desires come from, but we can listen with an open and curious heart.Keep your questions open-ended and get curious about your partner. Many people have trouble asking for what they want sexually. Some don’t honestly believe they deserve to get what they want, so be a receptive listener. Right now, this is about them, not you. When you’ve had time for some questions and answers, notice your feelings:* Do you feel threatened that your sexual tastes might be different? * Are you feeling pressured to do something you don’t want to do?* Do you feel insecure that your partner might not want you if you don’t share the same desires?* Can you communicate difficult feelings without blaming your partner for making you feel that way?* Do you feel touched that your partner has spoken their truth and demonstrated their trust in you to hear it.Think of conversations about sex in terms of a newborn baby: Protect it from harm, hold it tenderly, and nurture it with loving attention. Take turns sharing what might be hard to confess, knowing your partner is holding the space for you to open up. If difficult feelings arise, don’t abandon the conversation. This is where you can both practice patience and vulnerability. If one of you is triggered, listen to their fears with empathy. Put yourself in their shoes in that moment. Sometimes that’s all it takes for those fears to subside. It’s a process of learning and accepting one another, and that doesn’t happen overnight. Trust is built by consistent, small gestures, not grand promises or proclamations! Even if our partner’s chosen activity isn’t our cup of tea, be curious about what it is that turns them on. Listen to their thoughts and insights and be open to the possibility that you might discover your own turn-on while trying something new!If one person prefers an evening of romance and tender lovemaking, make a date to fill their cup with exactly what they desire, down to the details. If the other wants to get tied up and objectified, plan a time soon to give them that experience, so they get their cup filled as well! In other words, take turns giving and receiving. Both of them are delicious and fulfilling.When you give your partner an experience you know they love that’s not “your thing,” draw from the sheer pleasure of enjoying their turn-on, knowing you’re giving them what they want with a generous and loving heart. Trust that they’ll do the same for you when the time is right.Your primary sexual needs might not align perfectly but you could find yourselves expanding your sexual menus to include a variety of experiences. Think about it: If your partner was your sexual clone, your sex life would lack the erotic tension that comes with difference! Difference has a lot to teach us if we face it with an open mind.Keep the words flowing. Our words let others into our heart. Words help us feel understood and even bring clarity to our own thoughts when we speak them out loud.Judgment closes the door to learning and erodes trust. A roll of the eyes, a snide comment, a joke, a look of disapproval, silence, all have the power to close down the subject of sex, never be brought up again. Remember, your partner is no more responsible for their erotic turn-ons than they are the color of their eyes. Rather than seeing them as a problem, learn how differences broaden the playing field. Celebrate a full spectrum of love and eros!Make these conversations part of your life together. If we begin sensitive conversations by reassuring our partner that they’re loved and respected, curiosity and interest will take the place of fear. Be courageous enough to lay your heart on the table and start talking!Share this article with your partner, and ask them if they’d like to talk. :)As I’ve always said, every couple learn to talk about sex with as much ease and flow as talking about lunch. The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

Many years ago, a convergence of experiences and losses left me in a state of grief. I cried, I felt sadness, and I rationally accepted life as it was. Yet over the months that followed I felt like I was in a low-grade depression. I spent time with friends and enjoyed day-to-day pleasures, but something inside of me was not moving on.After a few months I went to see a bodyworker who offered massage in addition to other healing modalities. I didn’t share much more with her than my name. She placed her hands on my chest and my lower abdomen and with very little movement started to slowly draw her hand up from my pelvis to my heart. She kept repeating the same very slow movement with her hand.After twenty minutes or so, I could feel something growing in my belly. It was a ball of warm energy that I sensed traveling up through my torso to my chest. When it reached my throat, I let out a loud deep guttural sound that surprised me. Those sounds kept coming until the feeling of the ball of energy inside of me was gone. After a few minutes of feeling calm and relaxed, she continued to draw her hand up to my heart and throat. I could feel the ball of energy again grow in my belly and move slowly up and out of my throat in loud guttural cries. My cries had surprisingly little emotional content, and my breathing was deep and effortless.My body knew what it was doing.Cycles like this continued a few more times until, after an hour and a half, there was nothing more left, and I felt a deep sense of peace and blissful emptiness. My body had released my unprocessed grief. No one had to tell me that; I could feel it.Before I left, I shared my experience with the bodyworker. I told her it was similar to feeling an orgasm slowly building in my pelvic region, but rather than it moving down and out through the genitals, the energy moved up and out of my throat. My body knew what to do. All I had to do was relax, focus my attention, continue breathing deeply, and marvel at my body’s inherent wisdom and healing power.Love, reality & griefYears later I delivered a talk to a group of cancer survivors in a local hospital. We were talking about how to use sex to help heal from the grief that comes with illness. Each woman shared her journey with cancer, each expressing how touch and pleasure eventually became an important part of their healing. I came away from that talk feeling even more deeply that sex is a healer, and when the time is right, orgasmic energy can play an important part in connecting us back to our bodies and experiencing feelings of all kinds, not just the sexy ones!There’s much to feel these days. If we slow down enough to feel it, grief surrounds us. Untimely deaths, environmental degradation, injustices, relationship breakups, unwanted change, aging… we’re all grieving, both personally and globally. Grief has taken a seat at all our tables.So where does sex fit into grief? The myth is that these two very basic human experiences are mutually exclusive. We believe we shouldn’t want sex until we’re feeling sexy and receptive, and we can’t be grieving if our bodies are turned-on and orgasmic. But this isn’t necessarily so.Everyone needs to honor their own journey through grief. Grief is not something to be measured by time. It presents itself differently for every person, but is it possible to allow grief to be part of our sexuality?Grief is an isolating experience. We become lost in our own subjective pain, and even find refuge in our retreat from society; but after some time, the need for isolation is replaced with the need for connection.When the time comes to reach out and take the hand of a caring lover, a new phase of healing begins. We can open the door and let them into our private pain.Intimacy takes on an even deeper meaning. When we let ourselves be seen in our most vulnerable and raw states, we can allow ourselves to be held and touched, and receive all the hormonal and mental benefits that touch brings. By seeing ourselves through the loving eyes of lover , our pain is shared, and our burden is eased.Pleasure never leaves us; we leave pleasure. Even when we move through difficult emotions, pleasure is always there; like a bridge over troubled water, pleasure can reconnect us to our bodies. By focusing on arousal, physical pleasure drags us out of our subjective thoughts and into the present moment. The present moment is free of the past and the future, both of which weigh heavily on us during times of grief.Letting go into pleasure, feeling the buildup of orgasmic energy, and trusting that it’s okay to let pleasure move in us, can help shift us out of the deep freeze of loss.With the use of deep breath and arousal, energy gets unstuck and our emotional armor relaxes. If you’ve ever cried during sex, you know that tears and orgasm are strangely similar in their release. They both move energy through our bodies in a way that’s physically healthy and emotionally healing.Lovers in a dangerous timeIt’s wonderful to feel the love of others in trying times, but the real power of love during grief is the giving of love, as much as the getting. We can become absorbed in grief and loss. That’s part of the grieving process as well, but when the time is right, we can turn our gaze from inward pain outward to our beloved standing by us, ready to help.Sending loving energy shifts us out of our left brain, where fight, flight, and freeze operate, into the part of our right brain that houses things like gratitude, empathy, and compassion. The act of giving love is like placing a healing balm on a wounded brain. It gives our exhausted, high-alert mind a place to rest and connect.Anyone who meditates will tell you about the clarity and emotional transcendence that comes from focused attention. Stop reading right now and place your thumb and finger together. Move them so slowly and with so much attention that you can feel the ridges of your fingerprints.Do this for a few breaths and see how long you can give your full attention to this experience. You’ve just momentarily cleared your mind of its outward thinking!Sexual pleasure draws us into our bodies and for a while puts the rest of the world on hold. Sex and orgasm offer an escape from our overly active minds. In letting go and allowing an orgasm to happen, we take a momentary leave from the weightiness of our world. In addition to clearing our minds, orgasms also move stuck energy in our bodies. If we’re carrying grief, orgasmic energy can move through us with a healing force.You don’t see grief or sad feelings in porn. You rarely see sex and grief in films or TV. Sex is usually depicted as a one-note emotional experience of passion or romance. If your partner is experiencing grief, here are some things to remember when it comes to sex and intimacy:Offer nonsexual touch and affection without expectations of anything more. Allow your partner to find their way back to sex in their own time. If they want to be sexual, keep the sexy out of it, and assure them that they don’t have to feel anything other than what they’re feeling (which is probably not very sexy).Having sex during sadness or grief is a multi-emotional experience. Emotions flow and intermingle. Tears can change into laughter and vice versa. Your partner may feel alive one moment and numb the next. The grieving partner needs to flow with whatever arises without judgment. Joining in sex with a grieving partner requires us to stay attuned to whatever feeling is present, and whatever our partner needs in that moment.Encourage them to breathe fully and relax into the pleasure of physical contact without any pressure to perform or reciprocate.Create a slow, relaxed pace so they have the time to connect to their pleasure and become aroused in their own time. Allow arousal to build slowly and gently.Be prepared for loss of erections or lack of lubrication. Our bodies know what they want. If intercourse is off the table, turn your attention to whatever feels pleasurable to your partner. Help them ask for what they want and follow their lead. There is no place to get to. This kind of lovemaking can be relaxed and meandering. Orgasms may or may not happen. Leave your agenda at the bedroom door. Incorporate breaks to share your thoughts, if needed, or simply stay silent while holding or cradling. Tears may flow. Stay in connection and encourage them to feel what they’re feeling. Be a rock when they feel unstable and let them know you’ve got them.If you are suffering from the pain of grief and want to know how to find relief, schedule a brief call with me to learn more about what’s available to you. And if you know someone who might be helped by this article, pass it on. The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

In last week’s chapter of The Turned-On Couple, you learned about why it’s important to master the art of sexual initiation. I use the term “art” because with seduction and initiation there’s no formula, no one-size-fits-all script. In Pt 1 of Sexual Initiation, we learned the importance of understanding our partner’s experience and why communication matters. Mastering sexual initiation requires an understanding of desire, attunement, communication, confidence and (yes) disappointment. Let’s look next at how these elements play a role in sexual initiation. Here are some things to remember as the initiator. Start with your own desireIf we’re inviting our partner to have sex with us, we want them to feel our authentic desire. If we want our lover to say “yes,” we should say “yes” to ourselves first. If we’re in touch with our own desire, it shows, and our partner can feel it. Before you approach your partner, take some time to connect to your body. Breathe all the way down into your genitals, and start to feel what’s going on below the neck. Imagine what it would be like to lie naked next to your lover. Give yourself time to connect to your own desire.When initiation comes from your own desire, your partner will see it in the softening of our gaze, the deepening of our breath, the feel of our touch, and the sound of our voice. When you connect to your desire, you invite your lover to connect to their own desire. You’re not just guiding them into an activity like a horny teenager; you’re guiding them into a state of receptivity, of letting go. You’re inviting them into a space of desire and intimacy that you’re already occupying, by opening the door and saying, “Come on in, and join me in here.”Attune to your partner and step into confidenceNow that you’ve connected to your own desire, begin to attune to your partner. Put your phone down, close your laptop, and start to put your full attention on them. Love them up emotionally first. Offer them some nonsexual touch to guide them out of their busy minds and into their bodies. Give them time to feel your open invitation and connect to their own desire. If they are the lower desire partner, remember that arousal often comes on board with intimate, non-goal oriented touch and emotional connection. If you’re initiating, don’t be afraid to take charge. If you’re hesitant, nervous about being rejected, or feeling timid (about being seen in your desire), your partner has no lead to follow. If you’re a dance partner, you know what I mean.Initiation is where you begin to build sexual polarity and passion. Step up, take the lead, and guide your partner onto the dance floor with confidence. Your partner wants to trust that you have the skill to give them pleasure, and the passion to carry that confident energy throughout your sexual encounter. Confidence comes from within. Sexual initiation requires you to assert yourself and take the risk that you may not get what you want. We all know what it’s like to step up in other parts of our lives. Stepping up to initiate sex is no different.Be direct. Asking for what you want isn’t making a demand. It’s having the courage to share and show your desire. Being vague, beating around the bush, can come off as wishy-washy. Seduction isn’t wishy-washy: it’s clear, direct, and confident. Initiation doesn’t always have to fall on the shoulders of the higher desire partner; the lower-desire partner can initiate as well. Their invitation may have a different flavor, but their desire can be expressed just as openly and directly. Higher desire partners love to feel desired and pursued by their partner. It’s an experience they rarely get and often deeply long for.Planning is SexyIf spontaneous sex rarely happens, or if you’ve gotten into a pattern of an emotionally disengaged quickie before sleep, I encourage you to plan for sex and give it the attention it deserves.Set a day and time when you both know that you’ll have the energy, the privacy, and the intention to enjoy sharing some physical pleasure. I know for those who prefer spontaneity, planned sex sounds boring, but what’s boring is ongoing failed attempts to initiate because of all the excuses we can find to not have sex at any given spontaneous moment. Make a date with your partner for, say, Saturday at 4:00PM. Do what you need to do to make it happen. Let that plan percolate for a few days. Enjoy the anticipation. As you move through your week, you both know that Saturday at 4:00 is dedicated to intimacy. Most importantly, planning time for intimacy, interrupts the daily question of ‘is this the day sex will happen?’ This ongoing silent query creates an undercurrent of tension that is pervasive in a couple life together. Plan for intimacy, put in the books, and relax the daily wondering that looms over both the higher desire and lower desire partners. When you both put intimacy on the top of your priority list, you show each other that your relationship matters. When you show up on Saturday afternoon at 4:00, relaxed and ready to be together, you’re showing your partner that they matter.Expand your erotic menuOnce you accept that planned sex may be worth exploring, you have the added option of planning how you’re going to spend your upcoming time together.As an initiator, introduce your partner to the idea of co-creating an “erotic menu.” Building erotic menus (preferred erotic activities) together opens the door to novelty and variety, the two favorite spices that couples seek. Talk about the kind of energy you’re hoping to enjoy based on those preferred erotic activities, and this can change week to week, or day to day. Here are some examples of sexual energies: sensual, tantric, romantic, passionate, kinky. When we start to inquire into the experience we’re looking for, we can better communicate what we want and how we want to feel during sex.If you’re the one to initiate, assure your partner that you’re going to take charge in creating the environment to support the experience they’re looking for. This includes music playlist, and lighting, toys, attire, for example, all combine to create the desired set and setting.Get good at communicating about sex. If your partner isn’t fully on board with your initiation, rather than withdrawing your energy and falling into an internal negative story, get curious. Consider what might be holding them back from saying “yes.” They might not even know themselves at first, so ask them, “Is there anything that needs to change that would help you say “yes” to spending some intimate time together?”Reasons to not have sex can range from emotional blocks to practical needs like:I’m too tired, I need to sleep.I feel full and lethargic after that big meal.I’m worried about a family member.I have residual feelings about last night’s argument.The room’s not warm enough. The light’s too bright.I feel scattered and distracted.All these reasons are valid, and they’re all solvable with some communication and action. Is your initiation phrased like an all or nothing question, or do you offer alternative ways of being intimate together? Are you open to hearing what they might be a ‘yes’ to? Ask them.In an upcoming chapter we’ll talk about seduction, and why for many seduction has become a lost art that partners may have forgotten, never learned, or just gotten lazy about as they’ve adapted to more short-hand formulas of initiation. When we understand that a “no” could also mean, “not under these current conditions” we can help our partner find what they need in order to open themselves to intimacy. Initial hesitancy and resistance can sometimes be too quickly misinterpreted as a hard “no.” Don’t assume your partner is declining your initiation unless it’s clearly stated. If their “no” is clearly stated, accept their decision without emotionally disconnecting.Navigating disappointmentLearning to handle disappointment when your partner says “no” is perhaps the most important lesson of initiating. I know that may sound self-defeating, but disappointment is going to happen. It’s guaranteed!You’re in a relationship with another human being who has their own thoughts and feelings. How you handle disappointment is going to set the tone for your entire sexual dynamic. If your partner says no to your initiation and your pattern is to withdraw, get moody, or lash out, then you’re punishing your partner for saying “no.” If your partner expects to be emotionally punished for declining your invitation, you’re linking sex to a negative experience. Using emotional punishment against your partner only encourages your partner to feel resentful and obliged to have sex in order to avoid negative emotions. Obligatory sex is not a turn-on for either partner, and a sexless relationship is often born out of this negative dynamic. Turn this around by stepping out of the emotional patterns that trigger each other when an initiation is rejected. Let go of the myth that sex is supposed to just happen spontaneously with the same passion and focus as when you first got together.If you feel stuck in an ongoing negative pattern when it come to initiation then an honest conversation needs to happen, initiate that instead (when the time is right and nervous systems are calm). If one or both of you suspect that excuses are being used to avoid tougher challenges (like a general lack of desire or a loss of attraction, or all the other reasons that can lead to a ‘no’) coaching can help facilitate conversations to move beyond these blocks.Let’s do a quick recap:* Stop what’s not working and start to explore new approaches to initiation.* Prioritize and bring intention to your intimacy by putting it in your calendar. * Find your inner confidence and step into a leadership role. * Connect to and show your own desire.* Attune to your partner, and assess how to support them in getting what they need to be an enthusiastic ‘yes’ to sex.* Communicate openly and honestly about both of your desires.* Disappointments will happen, but stay connected to your partner, even during disappointment, and use good communication skills to move through it together. Remember, sexual initiation in a long-term relationship is not a formula. You and your partner are unique. Make the effort to discover what works for you!Understanding desire, building confidence, navigating disappointment, stepping out of negative patterns are not solved by reading an article, but they are often solved by working with a relationship and intimacy coach who is trained to guide you in your growth toward a satisfying and connected intimate life with your partner. The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

What is polarity?Equal and opposite energies are found in every part of nature. Cause and effect, Yin and Yang, masculine and feminine, initiating and yielding, giving and receiving, leading and following, light and dark. Each opposite plays its role in forming the whole.Most of us flow easily between these roles. One moment we’re following someone’s lead in conversation or agreeing to someone else’s plans for dinner, and the next we’re giving directives to the babysitter or describing how we want our meal prepared in a restaurant.When we stand in line for our morning coffee, we’re know very well what’s necessary to get our coffee. When we give our coffee order, we’re guiding the barista in how to make a coffee that pleases us. Neither you nor the barista is superior to the other. You’re equal parts in an overarching mutual agreement to meet both of your needs: you get your coffee and she gets her paycheck. Unless there’s a noted undercurrent of attraction between you and the barista, this isn’t an erotically charged instance of polarity, unlike the polarity of leading and following that’s inherent in a romantic relationship.Polarity & passionPolarity is necessary in keeping passion alive. It’s the yin and yang of a union, reflecting the opposite and equal energies found everywhere in our natural world and cosmos. Polarity magnetically draws opposing sides toward the creation of a whole. Neither side is superior or more powerful; the equal and opposite masculine and feminine aspects of our human nature reside in all of us.Couples who have discovered their authentic sexual polarity will often maintain that erotic spark outside of the bedroom; tend to see each other through “lover’s eyes”; tease and flirt with each other in the midst of their day; more easily locate their desire and show it to their partner, making them feel wanted and appreciated; share a lingering kiss, a sensual embrace or a loving squeeze of the butt; text sexy thoughts from the office in anticipation of a planned playdate; and enjoy high degrees of sexual confidence.If you’re familiar with Dr. Sue Johnson’s attachment style teachings, they’ll both experience the secure attachment a strong connection brings.A couple lacking polarity might describe their relationship by saying:“I feel like we’ve become more roommates than lovers,”“Neither of us feel motivated to be sexual anymore,”“It’s easier to just watch TV and cuddle than it is to have sex,”“Our relationship has become platonic, like we’re brother and sister,”“We know everything there is to know about each other. There’s no mystery,”“We have sex but it feels awkward and stilted,”“We both want to initiate so we’re trying to please each other at the same time,” or “We both want to be seduced so neither of us will initiate something.”I often hear couples describe their partner as their best friend. On the surface this sounds idyllic. But what you gain in partnering with your best friend you lose in the sexual dynamic that creates desire, lustful anticipation for erotic escapes, and the excitement of viewing your partner through a lover’s lens. Without the polarity of opposites, couples can settle into a sameness that creates comfort, security, and an intimacy that feels almost familial. Sooner or later, attraction is replaced with a brotherly or sisterly relating that can deaden the spark of desire or at least give it a back seat in intimacy. What was once sexual attraction coming from equal and opposite energies now feels unmotivated and predictable, lacking the tension of that polar pull. When it comes to sex, sameness does not create the erotic friction that makes passion come alive. Sexual polarity thrives in the play of opposites: leader and follower, pursuer and pursued, directive masculine energy and receptive feminine energy.Masculine vs feminine energyGender has little to do with polarity. Everyone, regardless of gender, embodies masculine/yang energy and feminine/yin energy. As we slowly chip away at society’s gender biases, we’re learning to identify where we fall on the broad spectrum of masculine and feminine energy. Finding balance within our inherent masculine/feminine energy helps partners recognize and accept how to support polarity within themselves and in their relationship. The more we understand who we are energetically, the more we can loosen the grip of gender stereotypes that don’t necessarily reflect our experience.The CEO who spends their days in a masculine, directive role may long to relinquish control and be told what to do. The nurturer who spends their days in a more feminine energy, taking care of and submitting to the requests of others, may long to take the reins and be in charge. When we accept who we authentically are on the scale of masculine and feminine energy, we start to understand our own internal polarity. We can then explore how sexual polarity can shift the dynamic in our relationship.Your authentic path to polarity: A case studyWhen Brad and Jenna came to see me for their first coaching session, they expressed the number one most common complaint I hear from long-term couples: They’d lost sexual desire and attraction. They both felt it was Brad’s problem. Jenna wanted Brad to be more assertive with her in the bedroom. And Brad had no idea how to invoke the kind of energy. Because of this disconnect, sex had become routine and predictably unsatisfying. They were often left in the void of what was missing, and the silent disappointment that it might never change.This led to resentment that impacted other parts of their relationship. It strained their patience with each other’s shortcomings. Bickering became a daily routine.Jenna found her attention drifting to men who embodied the kind of energy she was missing in Brad. She confessed to me that she felt dangerously close to secretly seeking that energy outside of the relationship. Jenna’s work as a lawyer required her to be solidly planted in her masculine energy. When she got home from work, she brought that same level of directive energy to her family life, and her relationship. She felt the need to call the shots, make the decisions, and lead the way. It didn’t take me long to observe that Jenna’s own masculine energy was preventing Brad from finding his own masculine energy in the relationship.As long as she was taking the reins in and out of the bedroom, Brad was inclined to assume the polar role with a more submissive demeanor of wanting to please and be of service. You can see where this led: This only solidified Jenna’s own need to be in the directive role and undermined her respect for Brad. Their relationship had polarity but not in a way that they wanted.The shift back to polarity for Jenna and Brad didn’t happen on just a conceptual level: it came about through somatic exercises that connected both to parts of themselves that had gone dormant. By playing with erotic power through tools such as archetypes, physical experiencing, and roleplay, they found their polarities beginning to shift. As Jenna relaxed the more masculine energy she needed in her work environment and felt safe enough to embody her more feminine side at home. She stopped focusing on Brad’s deficits and began to trust his decisions and directives. In turn, Brad began to embrace his sexual desire for his own pleasure rather than the need to please Jenna. This strengthened his capacity to confidently take charge. Jenna could let go and enjoy being ravished by Brad, while Brad was being fed by her receptivity and desire. They found a dynamic that fueled their desire and the attraction of opposing energies.In time, their undercurrent of resentment and daily competition made way for an appreciation and respect for each other’s new roles. They learned that it’s not about trying to become someone other than their true selves but rather connecting with parts of themselves they’d abandoned over the years.In conclusion, we all embody both masculine and feminine energy. Today most of us accept that gender is no longer a strictly binary concept, but rather a broad spectrum of energies. When we accept our place on this spectrum of masculine/feminine energy we can explore different sides of ourselves in relationship to our partners. While unhealthy relationship dynamics are formed unconsciously, healthy dynamics can be formed with intention.What is the dance of polarity in your relationship? Are you in the flow of your dance, or are you stepping on each other’s toes?Private coaching is the most direct route to growth and change. Reach out if you want to learn how relationship and intimacy coaching can help.The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

Sex and stress do not make happy bedmates. That’s a biological fact.Human suffering, illness, politics, environmental issues, human rights violations, and finances are just some of our stressors. Bad news often comes at us from all directions; conversations with family and friends inevitably end up processing that bad news. Even in our happy moments, the undercurrent of stress may always be present.Biologically, stress is killing our sex drives. Our emotional and physical stress is activating our “fight or flight” reflex, which reduces blood flow to our genitals and muddies our minds with anxious thoughts.The release of the hormones cortisol and adrenaline depresses testosterone levels. A reduction in the neurotransmitters that produce feelings of well-being increases our risk of depression and anxiety. This all undermines erections and orgasms.Researchers with the Massachusetts Male Aging Study have an ongoing investigation of 1,709 people. It concludes that men who suffer from stress are almost twice as likely to experience E.D. (erectile dysfunction). Stressed-out men (and women) shut down around sex.Our bodies are not designed to encourage sexual thoughts when our brains are communicating that we may be in danger. We can’t convince our bodies that we’re safe, when in fact we’re not. We can’t just reason ourselves out of being in fight or flight mode. Our bodies were built for stress: stress warns us of danger; it helps keep us alive. But our bodies were not built to live with the ongoing high stress levels we all experience today.So, what to do. As the Stoics say, don’t focus on what you can’t change, focus on what you can change in your response to it. We may not be able to avoid stress, but we can learn to manage it, and not let it dictate our sexual desire.Here are some things to do to step off the stress wheel regularly and signal to your body that it’s safe to relax for a while and turn your attention to what’s pleasurable. (Print this out. Put it on your fridge. Remind yourselves every day that you can choose to lower your stress levels regularly, and you can do it together.)Stress buster 1: Tell it like it isAcknowledging that stress is at war with our sexual desire is the first step to lighten the load of our judgment of ourselves and each other.Sit down and have a conversation with your partner about your current sexual frequency. Share how stress impacts your sexual desire and reassure your partner that your loss of desire has nothing to do with them personally. Don’t assume they know this. We all need to be reminded that we’re sexually desirable and loved. Words go a long way to calm insecurities when it comes to sex.Stress buster 2: Plan time for sexI can’t say this enough. Don’t get stuck in the rut of letting the days go by hoping you or your partner will be in the mood to initiate intimacy.Agree that sex is important enough to prioritize. Put yourself in the room and trust that your initial resistance will fade away as you start to slow down, breathe deeply and drop in.Rather than making intercourse your goal, be open to whatever your intimate time together will bring. Just agree that for a set period of time your bodies will be in contact, one way or another and everything else will follow. Touch, massage, hug, cradle, share. Make intimacy your goal rather than an orgasm.Stress buster 3: Touch and be touchedDon’t be afraid to ask for what you want from your partner. Ask for a massage or a shoulder rub or an extended hug, especially if that’s what helps you relax. Offer to give one in return with no strings attached. Being in close proximity to our lover’s body produces a host of feel-good hormones. Take advantage of it and get up close.Stress buster 4: Orgasms are powerfulGoal-oriented sex can hinder our sexual experience and exploration. And… there’s a reason many of us place them on the top of our sexual agenda. Orgasms flood our brains with oxytocin. They are nature’s antidote to high levels of cortisol, and that’s why masturbation is such a common sleep aid.We now understand the profound impact orgasms have on our mental/ emotional state. Whether you’re alone or with a partner, orgasms are abundant and free. Include them in your wellness practice as a sure-fire way to lower your stress levels and keep your sexual energy flowing. Stress buster 5: Exercise dailyWe all know how good it feels to know we’re giving our body what it needs to be healthy and vital. While sex and stress don’t jive, sex and exercise make a great pair. Move your body daily. You’ll sleep better and your stress levels will drop. Use a brisk walk or run to prepare for intimacy and get your blood flowing to all the right places.Stress buster 6: Stop, look, and listenIf you need a quick fix for the stress of a busy mind, use your five senses to drag your attention out of your chronic thinking and into your physical experiences. Our five senses; sight, smell, taste, touch and hearing are constantly feeding us present-time information. They show us what’s beautiful, what smells good, what feels good against our skin, what tastes delicious. The problem is we’re usually just not listening. We’re stuck in past or future thoughts.It takes a nanosecond to notice that your mind is somewhere other than where you are, and another nanosecond to drop your attention into your body where you actually live and breathe. Your body is where you experience pleasure, so tune in to your senses and enjoy what your body is telling you.Stress Buster 7: Laugh therapyLaughter and sex have a lot in common: they both strengthen neural pathways in the brain, building a feeling of closeness in a relationship.They support intimacy and connection with our partner by flooding our brains with dopamine. When we laugh, we can literally feel the stress leave our body. Our state is instantly lightened. So, look for humor throughout your day. It may not always be obvious but it’s there, waiting to be shared.Put on a favorite stand-up act, watch a comedy on Netflix, laugh out loud together, and let the good times roll… right into the bedroom.(If my writing brings value to your life and relationship hit the like button and let me know how you manage daily stresses with your partner. )The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

Mismatched desire is the number one challenge my clients bring to me for resolution. Statistically, if you’re part of a couple, there’s an 80% chance you have experienced this or are experiencing this in your relationship right now. “We don’t have sex anymore. I don’t understand why.”These clients don’t feel wanted or desired. And they don’t know what to do about it. It usually starts with accusations that it’s their partner’s fault. Clients blame their lack of sex on their partner’s loss of desire and interest.There’s a common progression in this scenario. After some weeks, months, or years of initiating sex without feeling any desire reflected back to them, these partners get to the point of no longer asking. Instead they find their own ways to avoid sex and begin shutting down emotionally. Resentment sets in and creates an undercurrent of withholding and tension in the relationship. This shows itself as irritability, angry outbursts, or passive aggressive behavior, all of which undermine intimacy and attraction, the very thing they long for.One of my first questions is, “Have you had an honest and open conversation about your sex life and why your partner doesn’t want to have sex anymore?”“No,” is the typical answer.“Why not?” I’ll ask them.“Because I know why. They’re not interested in sex anymore.” Sometimes the hardest part of sex is talking about it in a way that’s curious, open, and solution focused. For that to happen higher desire partners need to move beyond their sense of (fill in the blank: betrayal, sadness, punishment, withholding, avoidance, denial)These feelings are understandable. It’s scary to lose your partner’s desire. What if they’re not attracted to me anymore? What if they’ve found someone else they desire? What if we never get our sex life back again? What if our relationship is over? It becomes a rabbit hole of catastrophising and ‘what ifs’ that sinks deeper and deeper into subjective despair, shame, and resentment.In this mindset, higher desire partners may make a decision to step away from their partner and redirect they’re sexual energy to porn, promiscuity, paid sex (on or offline), or masturbation as their primary sexual outlet. No more failed initiations, no more conversations that lead to conflict, they close the door on trying, leaving both them and their partner feeling abandoned in a mess of unresolved emotions.Shame becomes part of both partner’s experiences. One has shame because they no longer feel desired by the person they love, and the other feels shame because they know they’re not meeting the needs of the person they love and care about. Shame is isolating. It thrives in silence. It eats away at our self-esteem and tells us we’re unlovable. Couples end up arguing about porn consumption or promiscuity instead of what’s happening in their sex life.It’s easier to point the finger at the symptoms than to speak honestly about the source of the problem: desireWhat many couple don’t understand or perhaps believe is there’s a way out of this rabbit hole that starts with an honest and vulnerable dialogue. That means no blaming, no defending, no presumptions, no accusations! It means remembering that you are one couple in many who are simply facing a crossroad and an opportunity to grow.Discussing sexual challenges is one of the most vulnerable conversations we can have with our partner, and when done well, it can be one of the most transformational events for a couple’s relationship Learn the tools to become effective communicators, compassionate listeners, and more curious friends and partners.You can do this by first, sincerely wanting change in your sex life, and two, finding the support of a coach or therapist trained in sexuality. In upcoming chapters of The Turned-On Couple we’ll delve deeper into unraveling this common challenge. If you’re ready to align with a professional who can guide you in this journey back to desire, schedule a conversation with me and learn more about how sex and relationship coaching can reset your sex life. Are you currently one of the 80%? p.s. if this post if valuable to you, give it some love by giving it a ‘like’. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

No matter how dry your sex life is right now, there’s a path forward for you as a couple. Like anything in nature, change is constant; everything has an ebb and flow, an expansion and contraction, a rising and falling. Yet when it comes to sex and intimacy, ebbs and flows leave us feeling confounded and insecure.If you asked 100 couples if they’ve ever been through a sexual drought, 90 percent of them would say “YES.” Children, travel, sickness, stress, distance, and hormones all play their part in reducing sexual frequency. Based on this 90 percent statistic, you could almost say that it’s expected that in a long-term relationship sex will wane, at least for periods of time.Why then do so many couples get broadsided when their sexual frequency drops off?First, we equate a sexual drought with a broken relationship. Second, no one prepares us for it or gives us solid advice to move out of a drought.When sex becomes very infrequent or nonexistent for periods of time, our fears and insecurities get the best of us. We build negative stories around our situation and imagine the worst. Next, we do what most of us do when it comes to sex: we don’t talk about it.Our stories might be something like:* My partner doesn’t find me attractive anymore.* My desires don’t matter.* Sex goes away in most long-term relationships.* My partner is interested in someone else.* My partner doesn’t love me like that anymore.These are devastating stories we tell ourselves, leaving us feeling hopeless, resentful, afraid, and unworthy. Our internal negative stories fuel the emotional divide. Ironically, our stories erode the very intimacy and connection that lay the foundation for sex to happen. Unless we learn to talk about sex openly and honestly, without blame or projection, we can slip into sexual inertia.And here’s the thing… Nature has an indisputable law when it comes to inertia, which is: Objects remains at rest, or in uniform motion in the same straight line, unless acted upon by some external force.A sexual drought is a form of inertia, and unless some external force acts upon it, it will remain as is.So you need to apply some external forces to shift this sexual inertia. The first and foremost external force is the simple act of acknowledgement.A couple can sit down together and acknowledge that their sex life is in a state of inertia. They can then ask each other (and themselves) how they feel about that fact. Keep in mind that there’s no right or wrong when it comes to sexual frequency. If both partners are content with less sex, but enjoy it when it happens, then that’s the right frequency for them. Every relationship is unique. If both partners agree that they want the frequency to change, this is the matter to explore. This is where you can come together as a team and share your thoughts, with one caveat: No blaming or finger pointing allowed!Stay curious as to what derailed your sex life. Was it the birth of your second child? Was it family stress? Career pressure?If the cause of inertia is related to the quality of sex rather than the quantity, then a different conversation needs to happen. (And this is where some coaching could help.) If you both agree that more frequent sex is important for your relationship, follow these seven steps:Step 1: Acknowledge the origin of your shift in sexual frequency, and the reality that sexual inertia has set in. Remember the other 90 percent of couples just like you. You’re not alone and your relationship is not broken.Step 2: Share your feelings about it without blaming your partner. For example, you could say, “I miss being with you sexually. I miss feeling close to you.” Or “I’d love to work together to make sex a priority in our lives again!” There are lots of loving, romantic, and appreciative ways to tell your partner you miss having sex with them. Let them hear it.Step 3: Agree to re-approach sex gradually, if it’s been a bit of a hiatus. Start with nonsexual touching. Many couples end up avoiding any kind of touch, if they’re in a sexual drought. Connect in simple ways like walking arm-in-arm, dancing, or engaging in partner yoga. Exercise and breathe together. Rediscover your natural polarity. Start to get intimate again with each other’s bodies, without any sexual goal, and enjoy the journey of sensual touch and massage to awaken desire. As you revisit sensual touching, agree that it won’t lead to sex. See what it feels like to take expectations off the table for now.Step 4: Returning to sex after some time away can be awkward. Acknowledge that awkwardness might be part of your experience at first. Once you acknowledge it, it’s less intimidating and can even be humorous. Be patient as you both start to rediscover some ease and flow in your sexuality. Don’t worry, you’ll get there!Step 5: Come to an agreement on your preferred sexual frequency. Remember, a willing, enthusiastic partner creates the kind of quality sex that makes up for quantity. If there’s a discrepancy in frequency, meet in the middle. Putting pressure on a partner to have sex with you is not sexy and fuels the divide.Step 6: Make an agreement with each other that if you notice your sex life starting to dry up again, you’ll both acknowledge it and nip it in the bud while keeping these seven steps in mind. Don’t create stories that fuel your discontent! Talking honestly about sex can be as easy as talking about lunch. Let go of defensiveness and negative presumptions. Sex is a natural part of an intimate relationship that requires attention and awareness. Treat it that way.Step 7: Going forward, prioritize sex by planning sex. Make a date and keep your promise to show up with full presence. Couples who plan their sex dates are far more likely to avoid the slippery slope back into a state of drought.If sexual inertia is paying a visit, come together as a team and decide what external force you’re going to introduce in order to shift out of the state of rest and back into the state of play.Most of us are having the same sex since we were in high school. I coach couples in the kind of adult sex education that transforms sex lives. There’s so much more to learn about our pleasure and our partner’s pleasure. Reach out if this kind of learning is what your relationship needs. I work on Zoom with couples from anywhere in the world. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

This is a milestone post as it’s the final chapter of Part 1 of The Turned-On Couple (relationships). In Part 2 we’ll be moving into the subject of desire, the what, whys and hows of desire in long-term relationships.Burning Man 2025 is around the corner. This year I’m packing up my partner and sending him off for his own experience in our Post Office camp. After 5 years, I’m taking a hiatus and embracing two weeks of fasting from our companionship, including no phone calls. No contact for two weeks is a rare experience in our interconnected world where everyone is only a text away, 24/7. Much like food fasting, contact fasting can reset the system and clear out the cobwebs of overfamiliarity.I wrote this chapter last year post-Burning Man. It’s about the importance of play, and why play isn’t just for fun. It’s for relationship resilience, transcendence, challenges and adventure, all necessary ingredients for a thriving, connected partnership. My partner and I pulled into our driveway in a cloud of playa dust, direct from the festival known as Burning Man, feeling enlivened, enriched, and exhausted. Every year we embrace the challenge that comes with high heat, dust storms, and late nights, as part of the fully immersive experience in the middle of the Nevada Desert.What brings tens of thousands to this wild, unpredictable, uninhabitable place every year? I believe it’s the desire to immerse ourselves in the wonder of play again, with the same spirit and curiosity we did as children.Most of Burning Man’s long-held principles lend themselves to play by promoting cooperation, inclusion, radical self-expression, generosity, and open-hearted presence. All the elements of life with which every one of us is born and that we intuitively understand as children. Play is a reset button for our over-stressed, news-saturated, time-pressured adult minds.Most couples I work with will readily admit that play is not something they experience on a regular basis. Life has become too busy. There’s barely enough time to be alone to talk, much less play! Our time has become more about schedules, finances, work, family, and errands. We wake up planning our busy days and fall into bed drained. One of the casualties of growing up is our ability to embrace play for its own sake, to seek out joyful moments for no other reason than to be present in the moment and have fun together.Playing on the PlayaOne of our neighbors on the playa (meaning ‘beach’ in Spanish) was a couple in their early fifties who are parents of three kids in college. When I asked if they ever bring their kids to Burning Man, they said, emphatically, “No!”Burning Man is their time to be alone together and enjoy an adventure as a couple, not parents. They looked and acted more as they did at the age when they met, twenty five years ago. They dressed in colorful outfits that expressed their playful sides and laid-back attitudes. Burning Man was their annual escape to reconnect, having nothing more to do than be together in a mood of exploration and adventure. Each day we’d watch them hop on their bikes and head off, returning late into the night with smiles and stories to share.When couples give each other permission to play together, they acknowledge that their relationship is a place to engage their imaginations and embrace parts of themselves they may have left behind along the way. Play for its own sake is not a trivial, unnecessary activity. Play is foundational to maintaining a happy, growing relationship. (Read that sentence again, out loud!) When we invite joyful, carefree moments into our time with our partner, we experience the childlike essence behind the busy adult, and the inherent joy in living.If the idea of play seems like a distant memory in your relationship, maybe it’s time to sit down and talk about it! What activities would bring out playfulness in you as a couple? Is it learning how to partner dance? Or sharing a new sport? Is it hitting the road to commune with nature? Is it camping around a fire with friends? Or laughing together at a local comedy club? Is it starting a 2000-piece puzzle? Or pulling out a Jenga tower?Of course, we can bring play into the bedroom as well, using our imagination to explore our erotic personas and engage with our partner through a different lens. Couples who enjoy roleplay appreciate the experience of stepping out of the norm and embracing alternative ways of relating to each other erotically. (More on that later in the Part 3 of The Turned-On Couple.)A few years ago a client of mine discovered a side of herself that loved to pretend she was still in college, before the kids, the job, and the mortgage, the payments. She gave that part of her the name Sassy. Her partner loved spending time with Sassy. When she brought Sassy out to play, her partner felt invited into a more carefree space as well. The presence of Sassy was the signal that conversations about adult worries were put on hold, and play was the focus.Bringing play into your relationship is a team effort. In order to let ourselves feel playful, we need to feel supported by our partner. We can give each other permission to make the great escape from adult demands.Trust that your partner has your back in new adventures. Be patient with each other as you try out new ways of being playful together.Be courageous by stepping into your more child-like enthusiasm, out of your adult responsibilities and let go into a more child-like enjoyment.Attune to your partner, to create a shared experience. Collaborate in designing the play that you’re creating together.Cooperate to bring that vision into being, whether that’s riding your bikes through the sights and sounds of Burning Man, planning a vacation full of new experiences, or sneaking off for a night in a hotel room with tickets to your favorite live concert.Be happy; nothing is in controlOne of the challenges of creating play at Burning Man was trying to set up camp during two days of winds and dust storms. I have memories of holding onto the end of a 15-foot square tarp, trying not to be swept off my feet with gusts of 30 mph winds. By the end of that day, we lay exhausted, laughing about what we had to overcome to get settled, and feeling unified in our shared victory.Playfulness requires full participation and presence, requiring us to relinquish the control we cling to in our day-to-day lives. Play can push us out of the comfort zone of familiarity. It asks us to put our phones down and forget about timelines. Play challenges our rigid, adult expectations of right and wrong, or yes and no.One of the most important transitions I make at Burning Man usually comes within the first three days, when I’m confronted with my need to control circumstances and surroundings. It’s in that confrontation where the true reset can begin. Letting go of control and going with the flow is the gift that play gives us.There’s a science behind play. It’s been shown to release endorphins and improve brain functionality. It stimulates creativity and, of course, increases our feelings of well-being. New forms of play introduce into our relationships the much-needed experiences of novelty and mystery, two of the necessary ingredients for a vibrant, growing relationship.When a couple engages in the novelty of new experiences, their brains produce all the love hormones that support bonding and closeness.Oxytocin comes from the attraction of seeing our partner with fresh eyes as we engage in new experiences that bring out their joyfulness.Vasopressin helps us mobilize physically and emotionally to take on new adventures. Phenylethylamine is another love hormone responsible for releasing adrenaline that comes from new experiences.Dopamine comes from the bonding and closeness of sharing those new experiences.All these love hormones combine to make a cocktail of powerful feelings. In other words, when we introduce novel ways of playing together Mother Nature supplies us with everything we need to feel happy and in love with our partner.New experiences can be as simple as trying out indoor rock climbing, visiting an Escape Room, or jumping on a local zip line in the woods. If a couple comes to see me complaining of low desire or boredom, we talk about the importance of keeping novelty and mystery alive in their relationship. These two ingredients help produce the chemical soup that reawakens desire between partners. Sit down with your partner and talk about what play means in your relationship. Take a break from this crazy adult world. You can be sure it’ll be here when you get back from your personal playground, feeling renewed, engaged, and happily exhausted.Please support my writing by ‘liking’ this article. If my writing brings value to your relationship, consider becoming a paid member for $5/mo Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

I once sat in on a group conversation about jealousy. The attendees were made up mostly of people in polyamorous and open relationships. For this group, jealousy is an emotion that requires honest investigation to successfully live their chosen relationship models. Those who choose to have multiple partners necessarily need to learn how to manage jealousy by working together with their partners to minimize it. It’s not an easy task, but it’s part of the territory if you want to step outside of the agreements that usually come with monogamy.Alternative relationship models look at jealousy with fresh eyes. They acknowledge the complexity and challenge of this subject but approach it with a desire to deconstruct the destructive impacts jealousy can have.These couples talk about the challenges of jealousy openly; they set clear boundaries to help manage it, but most importantly they shine a bright light on an aspect of coupledom that usually lurks in the shadows, filled with judgment, shame, and conflict.I consider relationship jealousy to be one of the more painful emotional challenges, regardless of your chosen relationship model. No one teaches us how to protect ourselves from the agonizing grip of jealousy.In full force, jealousy is emotionally (and physically) overwhelming. It not only cuts to our deepest fear of not being loved but, on a very primal level, jealousy is a warning sign that even our physical survival could be threatened if we were to lose our partner to another.If jealousy triggers the survival part of our brain into “fight or flight,” it’s understandable that jealousy can cause us to act from a highly stressed state of emotions such as anxiety, fear, and anger. It’s also understandable that we may say and think things that don’t reflect our “best selves.” In a triggered state, we have no access to grounded logic or effective problem solving until we reengage our frontal cortex and regulate ourselves back into a calmer state of mind. Returning to emotional regulation may start by taking a more objective look at jealousy as a natural part of who we are based on our past experiences or wounding. Developing compassion for our feelings is the first step in calming our triggered instinctual brains.Our core attachment wounds often play a big role in our experience of jealousy. Here are just a few:Depending on validation and feeling specialThe fear being aloneSeeing life through the eyes of loss and scarcity Comparing ourselves to others and doubting our own worth Being afraid of rejection and anxiously seeking belonging(I’ll add a caveat here that if you have good reason to be jealous based on real-life events such as infidelity or being lied to, then you and your partner have work ahead to repair that damage and build trust again. Many couples come through these ruptures with more honesty and intimacy than they had previously.)If you acknowledge that jealousy strains your relationship, and you’d like to work as a team with your partner to manage it, here are some suggestions to start domesticating that beast.Talk it out. The hardest thing to do is admit that you’re jealous, without blaming your partner for making you feel that way. “I feel jealous right now. Can you help me through it?” It’s a vulnerable confession that deserves a compassionate, undefended response.Help your partner feel safe enough to share their feelings and fears. Listen to the story they’re telling themselves with compassion rather than defending yourself or immediately try to fix it. They may feel some shame in admitting their jealousy, but sharing their story and confessing their fears can help them feel heard, and sharing can calm their nervous system. Empathize with what they’re feeling. If you’ve ever been jealous yourself, remember the pain of that emotion and put yourself in their shoes.Reassure them. After they feel heard by you, consider what your partner might need to hear from you to help them find a healthy security in the relationship. What can you say to reassure them that you’re on their side? Express your love and commitment to the relationship. Remind them of the strength of your relationship, your attraction to them, and your desire to honor your agreed-upon boundaries.Remember your agreements. When you’re both in a calm state of mind, sit down and talk about your agreements and the boundaries in your relationship. Some couples bypass this conversation, assuming their partner should just know what is and isn’t appropriate. Don’t assume you’re on the same page. Every relationship is unique and talking about how you conduct yourself around others is the only way you can discover what helps your partner’s sense of security. If you’re a people pleaser you may find yourself over-extending your agreements to appease their discomfort, so be honest and trust that your relationship is strong enough to hold the truth! Build trust. Trust is both given in good faith and earned over time.Our reassuring words are helpful in a challenging moment, but our actions are what lay the foundation for real trust. Keep your word. Do what you say you’ll do. Agreements aren’t written in stone; they can be changed if one or both of you feel the need for that change. However, breaking agreements without conversation or consent can cause a rupture. Stay current and honest with your needs and work as a team to support each other’s sense of security in the relationship. Of course, this applies to any relationship model, whether it’s an open or closed relationship, agreements matter.If you feel like you’re in a good place together, sit down and have a conversation about jealousy. Acknowledge the pain of jealousy and share the impact it’s had in your life. Perhaps you don’t see yourself as a jealous person, in which case this subject may not hold any charge for you. If so, work extra hard to stay empathetic with a partner who does identify as jealous. We all have our beasts to battle on occasion, and being there to support our partner on the front lines is what a good relationship is all about.The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

On a trip to the snowy woods of Northern Wisconsin, I curled up in front of a fire to read a book on Japanese folk religions, a fitting subject for a natural environment that evokes stillness and silence in a busy mind.The Japanese culture is synonymous with ritual, particularly ritual tied to nature’s rhythm and beauty. Shrines, festivals, purification rites, ceremonies, and ancestral veneration all bring meaning to Japanese life and culture. Rituals invite us to go deeper: deeper into the meaning behind our actions. They speak to a part of us that honors the power of intention.What “rituals” exist in your life and relationship right now? Is there a ritual that, given more conscious intention, could deepen your connection with love and life?Our lives are filled with rituals we inherited from our upbringing, as well as rituals we create that are unique to our own lives. Even the most mundane daily activities — like sharing a morning coffee or lighting a candle at dinner — can be elevated into a ritual by empowering the purpose of that activity.A common ritual is putting aside quality time to be intimate, both physically and emotionally. “Quality time” can last a weekend, an evening, an hour or even a moment. If partners acknowledge the intention of being together, they can turn a simple hug into a ritual. If a couple agrees that the purpose of an extended hug is to drop into a connected space of appreciation and love, then a hugging ritual is born!If serving a cup of tea to your partner is done with the full intention to offer that cup with all your love, in service to their pleasure, then you have brought ritual to that ordinary daily gesture. If opening the car door for your partner is a ritual, you accept that service as a reminder to show your appreciation, and you do it with full attention and a smile. By visiting a beautiful vista that has meaning to you as a couple, you can share the intention of renewing your connection. When we agree to express three things we’re grateful before we go to sleep at night, we bring a ritual of positivity and fullness into our slumber.What moments in your relationship deserve to be ritualized and honored?I encourage couples to explore rituals in the bedroom. By preparing the room for intimacy by using lighting, music, scent, and fabric, we transform our intimate preparation into ritual. By showering or bathing, shaving, and performing other hygienic activities, we create the ritual of offering our bodies to our beloved and receiving their body in return.Here’s a suggestion: When you enter that prepared intimate space, light a candle together, and speak your intention for that time together:“My intention is to be here with you completely, and let go of all the mental chatter in my head.”“My intention is to feel my love and appreciation for having sometime alone with you.”“My intention is to relax, let go, and receive pleasure.”When we can identify and speak our intention, it empowers us to make it so. When we hear our partner’s intention, we can support them in making it so.Rituals have been an integral part of human life throughout history. These days many people have moved away from traditional rituals or forgotten the importance of creating new ones. Reengage rituals into your life as a couple and a family, start by having a conversation with your partner and decide what simple rituals can transform a mundane moment into one of meaning and loving intention. The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

My partner and I are about halfway through a six-week road trip from San Francisco to Vancouver Island. We’re living, working, and adventuring out of a 19x6 foot camper van we built ourselves, complete with a bed, a tiny kitchen, and just enough space to bump into each other 47 times a day. Thanks to Starlink, we’re still connected to the internet (and the rest of the world), but staying connected to each other is the real challenge these days.Everywhere we go, we see other couples camped out at national parks, arguing over directions, laughing over takeout, or silently eating snacks with thousand-yard stares. It makes me think: being happy together on the road takes real intention. There’s no “I need a minute” room to escape to. You’ve got to figure things out together, in tight quarters, often while hungry and trying to find the nearest bathroom.And let’s be real: emotions can run high when you’re navigating new places, spotty GPS signals, and the occasional existential crisis mid-mountain pass. We’ve had our moments like when someone (I won’t name names) forgot to close the roof vent before a downpour, and it’s made me realize how important it is to know how to support your partner when they’re in a mood.So, if you’re traveling, living in close quarters, or just trying to be a better listener in general, here’s some advice we’ve learned the hard way. These three steps can help you show up for your partner when they need to vent, no tools required, except maybe deep breaths and a bit of emotional generosity.The next time your partner is letting loose and expressing their fear of uncertainty (or frustration with family dynamics, work-related anxiety, existential angst, grief of loss, overwhelm from the “new normal,” or any other challenging emotion) say these words to yourself: “I don’t have to try to fix this right now.”Then take a breath and plant your feet in place like a massive tree in the forest. Tell yourself you’re going to hold the space for your partner’s emotional storm to pass without reacting, defending, accusing or all the other egoic traps we fall into for fear of feeling wrong. Your job, or rather your opportunity, is to meet the moment with emotional generosity.I’ve coached men in doing this for their female partners, but it works both ways. No one is immune to overwhelm, and we can take turns showing up for each other in ways that make space for emotions that need to come out. If you’re a “fixer” (and most of us are) and your partner starts to unleash their emotions, you probably feel immediate stress in your body. Your mind starts to race toward possible solutions before they’ve even finished speaking. You’re no longer really listening while your brain scans for something to say, suggest, or act upon. You want to fix their problem because you love them and because you want the storm to stop.But here’s the thing: While you’re racking your brain with strategies and solutions to calm your partner down, you’re bypassing what they need the most right then and there, which is your attention. So, after you remind yourself that you don’t have to fix their problem, step out of fix-it mode and turn toward them with your whole body. Listen to the words coming out of their mouth. Make eye contact and show them they have your loving attention.This is where you become the tree that withstands the storm. You ground yourself deep into the earth and bring that strong presence to your partner. In that moment they need nothing more than to speak those words to someone who’s letting them do just that. They need to express themselves, to move that energy out of their body, to feel what they’re feeling and be witnessed in it.Next, show empathy for what they’re feeling. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with their perspective if it’s not yours. You’re empathizing with their feelings, not the content of their story. Showing empathy simply acknowledges that your partner is feeling something difficult. When we empathize with another, we attune to their experience and feelings. We’re looking inside of ourselves and connecting to that same feeling. Empathy is an active and intentional response to another person’s feelings. Teresa Wiseman, a nurse scholar who studies empathy, explains it like this:“Empathy is perspective taking. It’s the ability to take the perspective of another person. It’s recognizing feelings in other people and then communicating that recognition back to them.”These are great skills to bring to any relationship when emotional storms arise. Imagine what it’s like to be them in that moment. Put yourself in their place, and now respond from there. You might say something like,“I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. That must be difficult for you. Tell me more about that.” And mean it! Listen until they feel like they’ve said everything. If you feel more questions will help, use questions to guide them away from details and toward their feelings. “How did that make you feel in that moment?” you might ask. These are the questions that will help them connect to what’s below the surface emotions. If you’re truly listening with interest, they’ll feel heard. And in the end, no matter what the problem is, we all want to feel like someone hears us and cares.You’ll know when your partner feels heard. Their body will tell you! They’ll start to slow down, their nervous system will calm, and they’ll begin to breathe more deeply. Once they feel heard, they’ll start to drop down into the deeper, more vulnerable feelings that underlie the overwhelm. This is what you want to support. Show them that they can lean on you (literally).At this point you can offer some physical comfort. Let them feel that you’ve got them. Touch their arm. Hold them. Cradle them. Massage their feet or shoulders. Touch calms and nurtures us. In fact, sometimes touch is all we need to begin to let go and relax.Once you’ve helped them back to a calmer, more centered place, maybe it’s time to help them consider solutions to their problem (if they’re solvable). But unless you master the skills of helping your partner feel heard in their emotional storms first, looking to fix something is not going to help in the moment. Because the truth is that emotional generosity isn’t about grand gestures or always knowing the right thing to say, it’s about presence. It’s about choosing connection over a need to control, and compassion over quick fixes. And let’s be honest, most of us just want to feel like someone’s with us when we’re in the thick of it, not taking over our puzzle, but just sitting beside us while the pieces are all over the floor.On this road trip, in our van-sized pressure cooker of love and logistics, I’ve learned that supporting my partner through emotional moments is less about doing and more about being. Being grounded. Being still. Being open-hearted. It's not glamorous work, but it's what works.Next time your partner starts to spiral or stew or sob, remember this: You don’t have to fix it. You don’t have to understand every word or emotion they throw out there. You just have to show up. Breathe. Listen. Empathize. And when the moment feels right, reach out your hand.We take turns being the tree and being the storm. The more we practice showing up for each other this way, the more we deepen trust, and grow the love that can weather whatever is around the corner, even six weeks in a van with no escape route and one (slightly too small) shared blanket.If my weekly advice brings value to your life and relationship, consider becoming a paid subscriber for the equivalent of a coffee/month. :) Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

We are walking, talking, memory machines. We draw information from old memories and apply it to our present-day decisions. Every pleasure to which we’re drawn, every pain we avoid, every relationship dynamic or conflict pulls from these memories to guide our physical and emotional experiences in the present moment.Interestingly, the memories that most impact our adult emotional state took place long ago, when challenging childhood experiences began to form our strategies for surviving in a dangerous world. Challenging childhood experiences shape our beliefs, behaviors, and emotional responses as well as how we perceive and interact with the world around us.Here are some examples:Emotional Regulation: Challenging childhood experiences can impact our ability to regulate our emotions, leading to difficulties managing stress, anxiety, or depression.Self-Esteem: Our childhood experiences impact our self-esteem and sense of worth, which can impact our confidence and ability to pursue our goals in adulthood.Cognitive Patterns: Negative childhood experiences can shape our thought patterns and lead to negative self-talk, limiting beliefs, and cognitive distortions that impact our mental health and overall well-being.Coping Strategies: Challenging childhood experiences can impact the coping strategies we use to manage stress or emotional pain.Unhealthy coping strategies, such as substance abuse or self-harm, can have lasting impacts on our lives.Exploring attachment stylesAttachment styles in relationships refer to patterns of behavior and beliefs about intimacy and closeness that individuals develop based on their early experiences with caregivers. There are four main attachment styles: secure, anxious-preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant.Secure Attachment: Individuals with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with intimacy and are able to trust their partners.They have positive views of themselves and their relationships, and they are generally able to communicate openly and resolve conflicts effectively. They feel secure in their relationships and can balance independence with closeness.Examples:“I feel comfortable expressing my needs and emotions to you, and I trust that you’ll be there for me when I need support.”“Even when we have disagreements, I know that we can work through them together and come out stronger on the other side.”“I feel secure when we’re apart, knowing that you love me and have my back.”Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment: Individuals with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style often crave closeness and fear rejection from their partners. They may be overly sensitive to relationship dynamics, constantly seeking reassurance and validation. They may struggle with self-doubt and have difficulty trusting their partners, leading to a pattern of clinginess and dependence.Examples:“Do you still love me? I need constant reassurance that you won’t leave me, and I worry that you’ll find someone better.”“I can’t stop thinking about us and whether we’re okay. Why haven’t you texted me back yet? Did I do something wrong?”“I feel like I’m always the one reaching out and trying to keep our relationship going. Am I just not enough for you?”Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment: Individuals with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style tend to value independence and self-reliance over emotional intimacy. They may avoid closeness and vulnerability in relationships, preferring to maintain a sense of autonomy. They may downplay the importance of emotional connection and may struggle to express their feelings or needs to their partners.Examples:“I don’t need anyone else to make me happy. I’m fine on my own,and I don’t want to feel tied down by anyone.”“Why do you always want to talk about your feelings? Can’t wejust enjoy each other’s company without all this emotional stuff?” “I need my space right now. Can’t you see that I need time to myself? I don’t want to feel smothered by your constant need for closeness.”Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: Individuals with a fearful-avoidant attachment style experience a combination of anxiety and avoidance in relationships. They desire closeness but are also fearful of intimacy and potential rejection. They may oscillate between seeking connection and withdrawing from their partners, struggling to find a balance between their need for closeness and their fear of getting hurt.Examples:“I want to be close to you, but I’m afraid of getting hurt again. It’s easier for me to push you away than to risk getting hurt.”“I’m torn between wanting to be with you and wanting to protect myself. I don’t know how to navigate this push-pull dynamic.”“I feel like I’m always on edge in our relationship, never knowing if you’ll stay or leave. I want to trust you, but I’m afraid of getting my heart broken.”Of course, these examples are simplified, and attachment styles can be more complex and nuanced. Attachment styles aren’t written in stone. Our inner child beliefs can change and grow based on new healing experiences and self-awareness. When my clients are triggered, and feeling emotionally challenged, I encourage them to ask themselves, how would you speak to a child right now? What words would you use to calm them, reassure them, and support them? Now, use those same words to speak to your inner child. Give your inner child the secure love they may have been missing so long ago. We can change the painful past by offering ourselves loving-kindness and support in the present.Comforting your inner childNo matter who you are today, how strong you feel as an adult, the child you once were with all their memories and wounds still lives inside of you. Comforting your inner child is a powerful way to address old wounds and heal from the past. Here are some steps for comforting your inner child when you feel triggered:Identify the Trigger: The first step is to identify what’s triggering you in the present moment. This could be a situation, behavior, or comment from your partner that reminds you of a past trauma or emotional wound. If you find your emotions are much bigger than you’d expect in any given situation, you can trust that the pain is coming from your past.Acknowledge Your Inner Child: Once you’ve identified the trigger, take a moment to acknowledge the emotions and needs of your inner child. This means recognizing that your current emotional response is a result of unhealed wounds from your past.Practice Self-Compassion: Offer yourself compassion and kindness in the moment. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel triggered and that your emotions are valid. This can help you feel more grounded and present.Use Self-Soothing Techniques: Find ways to soothe yourself in the moment. This could be via deep breathing, visualization of a preferred outcome from the past, or other mindfulness practices. You might also try journaling or talking to a trusted friend or therapist.Reconnect with Your Inner Child: Finally, take time to connect with your inner child, and offer comfort and reassurance. See yourself as that child and offer the words of love and support you imagine they need to hear. You might also visualize your adult self holding and comforting your inner child.Caring for your inner child takes practice and patience. If we hold judgment or blame toward ourselves as a child, it can be hard to face our own lack of self-love and self-worth as adults; yet inner child work can be a powerful way to improve our present-day relationship challenges, with ourselves and our partner. Ultimately, the decision to engage in inner child work is a personal one. It’s important to approach this work with an open mind and heart, and to be gentle with yourself as you explore your past experiences and emotions.As a clinical hypnotherapist, I have seen the power of suggestion turn a past negative outcome into one that feels healed and resolved. Our early experiences do not have to define the rest of our lives and relationships. It’s possible to heal from past trauma and difficulty. Take out an old photo of yourself when you were younger. Make friends with that beautiful child, and let them guide you in your path forward.If you want to learn more about relationship and intimacy coaching schedule a consultation call with me here. And if my writing brings value to your life and relationships, consider supporting my writing by becoming a paid subscriber. It would mean the world to me. :) Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

I used to think I knew who I was, who he was, and suddenly I don’t recognize us, neither him nor me… My entire life, as I’ve led it up to this moment, has crumbled, like in those earthquakes where the very ground devours itself and vanishes beneath your feet while you’re making your escape. There is no turning back.— Simone de Beauvoir, The Woman DestroyedA client recently asked me a vulnerable question: “How do I help my partner to heal after my infidelity?”It's a question that sits at the heart of betrayal. It’s raw, aching, and disorienting. When an affair is discovered, the emotional fallout can be overwhelming. A world that once felt secure can suddenly seem threatening and unfamiliar.We may feel like we can’t think straight. Adrenaline floods our bodies. The calm, rational part of our brain goes offline, and we shift into fight, flight, or freeze. This response is biological. When we feel unsafe or emotionally threatened, the amygdala, our brain’s alarm system, takes over. Its sole job is to protect us from pain by removing ourselves from the threat.Understanding this basic brain science is critical for couples navigating the disorientation of betrayal. Every human being is wired to scan for safety and danger constantly. From the moment we’re born, we’re evaluating: Am I safe in my mother’s arms? With this new friend? With the person I sleep beside at night?When we choose a life partner, it's because we've found a sense of safety with them. It takes time, consistency, and vulnerability to build that trust. We all know that nerve-wracking moment in a new relationship when we realize we’ve grown attached. That vulnerability brings joy, but it also brings risk.Eventually, through repeated reassurance and emotional attunement that rollercoaster of early love stabilizes. We settle in. Trust builds. We make promises. We rely on each other. We build a shared life. And we commit—emotionally, sexually, and spiritually.Then, infidelity shatters that foundation.The sense of safety we worked so hard to create evaporates. If you no longer feel safe in your relationship, your first task is not to figure out the future but to begin the slow process of reestablishing a sense of safety.Here are ten essential steps to help rebuild and repair after infidelity:1. It’s Okay to Not KnowIn the wake of betrayal, you may feel lost. You might not know whether to stay or go. That’s okay. Write this somewhere visible:“It’s okay to not know.”You are in the middle of a whole lot of pain, and clarity takes time. Allow yourselves to be where you are. Don’t force certainty. Focus instead on nervous system regulation—breathe, rest, nourish yourself. Big decisions can wait. Safety comes first.2. Less You, More ThemIf you’re the one who broke a monogamous agreement, you may be flooded with guilt and shame. But now is not the time to make the situation about you. Don’t collapse into defensiveness. Your priority is to stay steady and present for your partner.Express sincere regret. Show empathy for their emotional pain. Listen, and validate. Help them feel seen in their grief, rage, or numbness. That steadiness is the first brick in rebuilding trust.3. Explore the "Why"The initial conversations often revolve around what happened: who, when, where. But healing truly begins when we start exploring why it happened.What needs were at play? Desire for novelty? Longing for validation? Disconnection? Sexual boredom? Affairs can reflect what we’re not getting from our partner but more often, what we’re not in touch with inside of ourselves.The person who strayed may have been seeking a part of themselves they lost, spontaneity, worth, desirability. Getting honest about these roots is essential to rebuild something new together.4. Talk Less, Listen MoreEffective communication is your lifeline. Slow down your conversations. Ask questions, not to interrogate, but to understand. Listen to understand—not to respond.If either of you feels triggered, call a time-out. Take deep breaths, regulate, and return when you can re-engage calmly. If you were a team before, you can learn to be a team again, even in pain.5. Find the Need Behind the EmotionAnger, withdrawal, anxiety. These are symptoms of a loss of safety. Beneath every emotional outburst is a core need. Ask gently: “What do you need from me right now to feel safe?” Then, do your best to provide it.Sometimes it’s a hug. Sometimes it’s presence and silence. Sometimes it’s reassurance or honesty.This is not a time for explaining or defending yourself. It’s a time for deep listening, co-regulation, and showing up for your partner.6. The Tango RuleEventually, with the support of a skilled guide, both partners must examine their roles in the relationship. This isn’t about blaming the betrayed or excusing the affair. It’s about understanding the relational patterns that preceded the rupture.Couples who grow from infidelity do so by dropping the victim-villain narrative and leaning into mutual accountability. Not equal blame, but shared understanding. When both people get curious about themselves and the dynamic they co-created, real healing becomes possible.7. Strong and Sturdy Baby Steps for the BetrayerRebuilding trust doesn’t happen overnight. Start small. If you say you’ll call at 6, call at 6. Follow through on promises. Initiate emotional check-ins. Offer affection without expectation.Small betrayals, being late, forgetting things, can feel huge in someone with a raw nervous system. Be attentive to the emotional undercurrents. Your partner’s amygdala is watching for signs of danger. Keep asking: “What helps you feel safe?”Safety isn’t built through grand gestures—it’s built through daily consistency.8. Don’t Sweep It Under the RugAvoiding the subject won’t make it go away. Silence creates isolation. If your partner is stuck in rumination, don’t wait for them to bring it up. Gently check in. Ask how they’re feeling. Offer reassurance before they have to ask for it.Your partner is in emotional free fall. You are their anchor now. Don’t let shame or discomfort keep you silent. Show them they don’t have to suffer alone.9. Build Back BetterAn affair often marks the death of the old relationship. But it can also be the beginning of a more honest, conscious one—if both of you are willing to do the work.Revisit your agreements around monogamy and commitment. These conversations may be challenging, especially if either partner wants to change the rules. Move slowly, with respect and care. Reaffirm your shared desire to move forward together.And above all: forgiveness is a process, not a pass. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting—it means releasing resentment and committing to healing.A skilled couples therapist or coach can help you through this. Don’t try to do this alone. This is one of the relationship crises where expert support is not a luxury—it’s a necessity.10. Gratitude x 3This may seem simplistic, but even amidst grief or anger, gratitude softens the heart.Before bed, name three things you appreciate about each other. They can be small: “Thanks for making tea.” “I appreciated how you touched my back today.” “I’m glad you reached for my hand.”Gratitude helps rewire your brain. It rebuilds emotional connection. It reminds both of you that healing is possible—even here.You’re Not AloneThese 10 steps represent just the first phase of healing after infidelity. The road ahead may feel long but it can also lead to the most honest, emotionally rich chapter of your relationship yet.Infidelity is a rupture but it doesn’t have to be the end. Many couples emerge from the ashes stronger, more compassionate, and deeply connected.Your relationship can survive infidelity. But it cannot survive divorce.If my writing brings value to your life and relationship, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Your support means the world to me. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

I woke up feeling emotionally battered from news footage I’d watched the night before that personified bullying behavior by a politician. I thought about people who currently live (or have lived) with an adult bully. I wondered how many of them were left emotionally triggered by the embarrassing display played out on national television.Bullying can happen in every form of relationship from the boardroom to the bedroom. I see all the subtle and not-so-subtle forms of bullying with some of my coaching couples. Bullies aren’t born, they’re raised, usually by bullies themselves.Many adult bullies come from childhood homes where they too were dominated by bullying. Children who have control taken from them will commonly seek to control others, often with the same tactics they witnessed and experienced in the adults around them. It’s easy to spot bullying in others. What’s harder to acknowledge though, is our own inner bully - the part of us that jumps into action when we’re backed into a corner feeling trapped. If you were to ask someone during a bullying incident to be transparently honest about what’s driving their bullying, they’d probably identify fear as their underlying emotion, insecurity as their underlying feeling, and control as their underlying strategy. They’re using bullying to fend off their own feelings of inferiority and disrespect.We’re all capable of resorting to bullying tactics in our relationship, should our partner challenge our beliefs and perspectives, but we’d never admit to bullying.We’d much rather see ourselves as passionate, intense, direct, strong-willed, or generally superior in our perspective of what’s right or wrong. We may even admit that we’re ‘too much’ for some people, but “that’s just who I am.” Yet the fact is, we’re all capable of reverting back to the playground when we’re triggered into fight or flight. When anger floods your brain, even the most self-aware person can turn to bullying tactics. In those moments, you’re literally not in your right mind; you’re in your amygdala brain, which is pumping adrenaline into your bloodstream. It’s focused on survival or (in the case of an argument) on being proven right.Let’s look at the behavior of an emotional bully in an intimate relationship. I think you’ll see that we all have an inner bully that can hijack a conversation and turn it into emotional manipulation to get something we want, Consider how you’ve used these strategies in your relationship. Here are 9 ways your inner bully might show up in your relationship. Perhaps this is you?* Getting angry and raising your voice overpowers your partner’s voice during conflict. Your partner will either join you in the escalation that ultimately leads to painful words and hurt feelings, or they’ll appease you and stifle themselves to keep the peace. Either way the bully wins.* Blaming and pointing the finger back at your partner may have worked as a child but it’s a sadly transparent attempt to avoid taking responsibility or hearing a difficult truth. Our inner bully has very little capacity for honest self-reflection and vulnerability. Criticism is taken as a personal attack and the defense of a bully is to quickly divert the same criticism back to their partner. “I didn’t lie, you’re the liar!”* Punishing by emotionally pulling away, implementing the silent treatment, withholding affection, sulking, and moping, are all common strategies to punish and bully our partner. These are the kind of bullying tactics a passive-aggressive person will resort to get their way. If your partner knows there’s a price to pay for disagreeing with you, they’ll likely choose to let you have your way and once again suppress their truth in exchange for a temporarily peaceful home.* Threatening to leave the relationship is a common bullying strategy that gets tossed like a grenade into an argument, escalating the conflict from a difference of opinion, to a potentially relationship-destroying incident.* Gaslighting is a term the psychiatric community uses to describe a partner who slowly tries to confuse and manipulate perceptions. We can say one thing and do another. We can turn our partner’s questions back on them, causing them to doubt themselves. We deny something in the face of proof. We’re all susceptible to gaslighting and we’re all fully capable of resorting to gaslighting. Remember, your inner bully is well-versed in getting what they want.* Name-calling takes an disagreement to a deeply personal level. This is where lines are crossed, and painful words cut deep. Once you revert to name-calling, the damage is sometimes impossible to undo. The bond is broken, and trust is lost. Your partner may find their way back to being civil and even loving, but in their heart, the names you called them will resonate and resurface, sometimes for years. * Out-arguing your partner is the bully’s way of pushing their opponent into the ropes and pummeling them with jabs to the ribs.You wear them out with the words coming out of your mouth. Even when they’ve conceded you make sure to drive it home until they either go silent, beg you to stop, or leave the room.* Interrupting your partner when they’re trying to make their point is another way a bully can wear someone down. When we don’t have the capacity to listen to an opposing view without talking over our partner, we’re shutting them down. This is a common form of bullying in relationships, and often both partners will adopt this strategy as a way to be heard when conflicts start to escalate.* Physical intimidation is more than waving your fist at your partner. It’s how you physically position yourself next to them. It’s leaning in too close. It’s looming over them. It’s throwing a plate or slamming a door. It’s driving erratically or blocking an exit. These are all acts of violence, and bullies use them as coercion and intimidation tactics.Allowing your inner bully to represent you in an argument with your partner is short-sighted. It’s looking for the short-term gain of being proven right, over the long-term desire to maintain connection. Your inner bully views your partner as the enemy to be conquered and controlled in a moment of conflict, rather than your teammate who shares a life with you.* Sit down together and review these signs of bullying. I strongly believe we’re all guilty of these tactics in our worst moments, so go easy on yourself. * Get hip to what bullying looks like in your relationship, and agree to being called out, the next time you allow your inner bully take to the stage of a debate. * Share the fears that drive your inner bully. Reflect on the family dynamic that made bullying part of your strategy to get what you want.And if you have children, tell them that what they see in our politicians these days sadly, does not represent healthy adult behavior! If my writing brings value to your life and relationship, please consider becoming a paid member, for what amounts to, the price of a coffee a month. :) Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

Your lights are on, but you’re not homeYour mind is not your ownYour heart sweats, your body shakesAnother kiss is what it takesYou can’t sleep, you can’t eatThere’s no doubt, you’re in deepYour throat is tight, you can’t breatheAnother kiss is all you need— Robert Palmer, You’re Addicted to LoveAsk most couples about the early stages of their relationship, and they’ll remember the ease they experienced around sex and intimacy. They’ll stare off into space with memories of testosterone-driven lust and estrogen-flooded seduction. They may remember how the initial feelings of lust began to grow into romantic longing and preoccupation as their bodies started producing more dopamine and norepinephrine.At some point, usually between three and fifteen months, the intoxication of new relationship energy (NRE) begins to shift from high levels of passion to attachment. Oxytocin, the love hormone, then starts to lay the foundation for the security of long-term partnership.Understanding the biology of sex and intimacy helps explain why couples often ask, “How do we get the passion back into our sex lives? Why don’t we feel the way we used to?”That’s nature for you!We’re made to reproduce, and our bodies know exactly what hormones support that undeniable human drive. If you want to re-ignite that NRE, take charge and stimulate the hormones that got you there in the first place. Here are the building blocks that will produce a cocktail of hormones to support deep connection and a vibrant sex life:The Relationship Glue of OxytocinOxytocin fuels our desire to bond with our partners. It creates the romance of “you and me against the world.” Love notes, kisses in the kitchen, long hugs, hand-holding, and cuddling lead to trust and goodwill between partners. Oxytocin sets the stage for expressions of love that make partners receptive and vulnerable with each other. Feelings of attachment get us through the rough spots. Oxytocin keeps us steady and invested in each other’s happiness.I Want to Make Serotonin With YouDedicate some of your time together to manufacturing some serotonin.You do this by getting vulnerable and sharing your feelings with one another. Step out of the day-to-day chit-chat about the details of living and dig a little deeper. Don’t be afraid to talk to your partner about your relationship. Ask them to share what ways you can be a better partner to them. This is a simple question that can initiate some profound conversations. Be open to hearing what your partner has to say without defense, and help them feel safe enough to be honest.Caring and being cared for reinforces your bond and your sense that your partner has your back. This experience of secure attachment in a relationship brings a sense of harmony to every other part of life. If your partner can count on you supplying them with a hit of serotonin whenever you’re together, that will stimulate their reward centers. Give them some heartfelt communication on a regular basis and watch what happens.Looking for Something New on DopamineYou can create dopamine in your body by doing new things together; sharing new experiences, new places, trips, and (yes) hotel rooms.When I ask a couple to recall a fulfilling sexual memory they have together, it will often involve a hotel room. They stepped out of the familiar bedroom, family routine, daily tasks – basically a life you can walk through with your eyes closed because you know it so well. Suddenly the sexual desire they’d been missing started flowing again. They started to see their partner through the eyes of the Goddess dopamine.As we all know, sex in a long-term partnership can easily become painfully predictable. That’s why I created a program that outlines 186 erotic activities from sensual to kinky in my e-course Your Erotic Menu. If you want more variety in your sexual and sensual life, go to Your Erotic Menu online to see all the options you and your partner can explore. It’s currently a free course, so enjoy a trip into 6 sexual styles and learn how to talk to your partner about your interests and desires. Getting High on EndorphinsOur bodies produce an interesting cocktail of hormones when we challenge ourselves physically. Adrenaline, endorphins, and testosterone all get a boost from any type of physical adventure or challenge.Aerobic workouts, dancing, hiking, biking, and any other kind exercise have all been shown to increase circulation, blood flow, and lubrication, three factors involved in heightened sexual desire. Set an adventure date with your partner. Hit the road or paddle the white waters. Whatever your bodies are up for, use them, and experience the aphrodisiac effects of endorphins.Waking Up with NorepinephrineCouples are often under the impression that there’s nothing they don’t know about their partner. We’ve all heard the expression “familiarity breeds contempt.” While we may not be feeling contempt for our partner, we can take our partner for granted and end up assuming we know everything there is to know about them. Seeing our partners as individuals outside of the relationship wakes us up to their autonomy, which is associated with a sense of mystery. With mystery comes uncertainty, and with uncertainty comes excitement. Norepinephrine, a neurotransmitter that enhance feelings of excitement. Do you remember the early stages of falling in love when you felt giddy, euphoric, and wired? Your brain and body felt alive with heightened arousal, making the connection with your partner feel uniquely special. When our bodies produce norepinephrine, our partner feels new to us. We become intrigued again and refreshed in our view of them. The same person with whom we share a bed every night suddenly feels mysterious to us.In order to maintain mystery in a long-term relationship, you want an ongoing balance of attachment and independence, bonding and autonomy.Too much of either will tilt the scale away from desire. Too much distance, and we lose our sense of bonding. Never spending time apart from each other will send you into the roommate zone. Find ways of taking space and doing your own thing. See friends, enjoy a solo excursion, or start a new hobby that engages you. Differentiate yourself from your partner in healthy ways and enjoy a little norepinephrine wake-up call next time you see your partner with fresh eyes from across a crowded room. :)Romantic attachment is important in building trust and safety, but creating a healthy sense of autonomy from your partner is the necessary ingredient to wake from the slumber of familiarity.Remember this the next time you’re taking some healthy space from your partner - The tide can’t come enthusiastically flooding back to shore if it never retreats in the first place. Catch my drift?If you forget what it’s like to be addicted to love, your brain is your drug dealer. All the love drugs you ever need are at your disposal, if you know how to access them.Here’s a link to Robert Palmer singing about love addiction in 1986. He died too young. Dear reader, Does my writing bring value to your relationship? For the price of a latte once a month, you can show your support. 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As I said last week, Part 1 (chapters 1-28) of the Turned-On Couple is where the rubber meets the relationship road. This is where you lay the foundation for intimacy and desire to grow. So let’s look at another more nuanced part of relating that be a silent killer of connection. Confirmation biasWe all have it. We experience it every day in the news, our politics, our workplace, and (most directly) in our relationships, where partners can suffer the consequences of confirmation bias on a daily basis. Humans are wired to look for danger, and danger in the case of relationships comes in the form of complaints and conflict. Conflict triggers threat, and threat pumps cortisol into our bloodstream, preparing us for “fight or flight.” So when it comes to relationships, it makes sense that our brains are far more skilled at noticing what’s wrong with our partner than what’s right.We all form biases in order to make sense of our experiences. Those biases then form the basis of the stories we tell ourselves when we feel challenged by our partner. We look for the proof that supports the stories we already have written in our minds. If circumstances leave enough room for us to skew our interpretation of events, we’ll jump on the opportunity to be right, even if it makes us feel bad.A midlife couple I’ve counseled for some time is trying to heal from infidelity on the woman’s part. Even though the infidelity happened years ago, her partner’s negative feelings about the matter remain firmly in place. The story he formed from his bias is that she doesn’t love him, that he’s not a good lover, and that — given the opportunity — she’ll betray his trust again (even though she repeatedly reassures him that none of those things are true).The situation is corrosive to their relationship. If she has to work late, he imagines the worst. If she doesn’t want to have sex one night, he creates the story that she finds sex with him boring. If she doesn’t stop what she’s doing immediately when he needs attention, he tells himself that she no longer loves him. You can see how his negative and fearful beliefs are his own worst enemy and may very well lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy.When our relationships are laden with negative biases, we’re on the constant lookout for proof that we’re right, and we selectively overlook all the information that proves otherwise. We place great importance on the disappointing moments and pay less attention to the positive ones. By focusing on the negative encounters with your partner, you’ll live your relationship assuming the worst, and you’ll probably get what you’re looking for. In other words, whatever you put your attention on will become your destiny.You can actually change your mind. Start to steer your brain toward the positives by introducing some simple habits into your daily life. This is how we rewire our brains, and it’s scientifically proven to help change the lens through which we interpret our world. Consider experimenting with these solutions:Give positive feedback to your partner about the things they did that day: Actively look for the things your partner does that you appreciate and express your appreciation out loud regularly throughout the day. Form a gratitude practice with your partner. At night before you go to sleep, take turns expressing three things you appreciated about each other that day.“I appreciated you asking me what I needed in town before you came home.”“I appreciated the way you handled the issue with the neighbors.”“I appreciated you pulling me close to cuddle tonight while watching TV.”When we point out what makes us feel cared for and loved, we’re not only training our brains to notice the positives, but we’re also training our partners by affirming their positive actions. (Yes, just like dog training!)Become a positive Jedi Get good at shifting from negative to positive. Think of this skill like a Jedi warrior. When you find yourself sinking into the dark world of complaint and disappointment, remind yourself that there’s a lighter, brighter world that’s just as (or even more) true. Look for the positives with Jedi-like precision. As you work on this skill you’ll build the muscle of your positive intelligence, making it easier to shift from negative to positive with ease. Seek resolution rather than sweeping conflict under the rug:We’re particularly susceptible to selective memory if conflicts with our partner are left unresolved. Lack of resolution keeps a negative incident active in our brains. Once an argument feels resolved, our brain files the event away as a memory, relieving us of ongoing rumination and the biases that are formed by keeping that negative event in the forefront of our memory.Learn communication skills that lead you through conflict to resolution. This is the primary marker of a long-lasting happy relationship. Since we’re the only ones in charge of creating our stories and forming our negative biases, why not consider adopting a positive bias? Assume the best of your partner. With every single complaint, look for five expressions of appreciation. And note how this impacts your daily exchanges as well as your mental state.The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

As we progress through Part 1 of The Turned-On Couple, which is focused on love and relationship dynamics, you’re getting an idea of how many aspects of your relationship can impact your sex life. Building a strong, secure foundation as a couple allows for honesty, trust and the security to explore and grow together. Many couples will begin coaching with the goal of creating a better sex life. What they often discover is that sex is just one branch of their relationship tree. Power dynamics, conflict management, communication skills, attachment patterns, are also branches of that tree. A relationship is one beautiful system of interdependent parts, working together to create harmony and sustain love. So, let’s look in the mirror and consider our old coping strategies. What are they, and how do they undermine our relationships today? Most couples who seek out intimacy and relationship coaching have one thing in common: they want to know how to get their partner to change. They’ve become so used to paying attention to their partner’s shortcomings that they’ve forgotten — or have chosen to ignore — their own 50 percent of the relationship equation. Getting to the core of our own strategies and behavior patterns in relationships is crucial if a couple seeks lasting love. It not only improves their intimate relationship, but every relationship in their lives.Our patterns of relating to others run deep. Most of us don’t recognize how those patterns unconsciously dictate our behavior and impact those around us. We want a better relationship, but rarely do we delve into the core strategies to assess the role they play in our relationship with our partner. Chronic conflict, finger-pointing, complaining, judging, and blaming are all byproducts of unhealthy patterns and old programming. Before I work with a couple on their sensual and sexual life, I ask them to spend time doing some core relationship coaching with me. Understanding the patterns partners bring to their relationship is often the key that unlocks the door to deeper love, better sex, and authentic desire.What do I mean by core relationship coaching? We’re all born into environments that challenge us, to a greater or lesser degree. As children, we quickly develop strategies to cope with those challenges (and even survive). Even in the best families, no child escapes the experiences of fear, insecurity, sadness, and self-doubt.These challenges are built into our human development. Pull out an old photo of yourself under the age of 10 and take a good look into the eyes of that child. That child (you) had already developed complex coping strategies when that photo was taken. That 10 year old had formed belief systems about their competence, and their self-worth. They have already begun to armor themselves from the pain that comes from being human.In the beginning, our coping strategies appear to be our helpers. They protect us from the small pains and come to our rescue with the larger pains. But, here the thing. These childhood strategies can develop over time to become our greatest saboteurs. Let’s use bullying as an example.If we were bullied at home or on the playground, our inner helper may have shown up as introversion, to keep us alone and thus away from the threat of others. It may have shown up as aggressiveness, to fight back, perhaps becoming bullies ourselves. We may have learned that pleasing someone was a strategy to ensure that others will like us and keep us safe. Our inner helper may have shown us that hyper-vigilance would keep us safe, so we became suspicious and mistrustful of other’s motives. or perhaps identifying as a victim would help us to feel validated gaining the attention or sympathy we feel we deserve.Our innate ability to survive as children was tailored to our environment and sometimes modeled by those closest to us. By observing our parents, our siblings, and our community, we learned ways to cope with the challenges life threw at us. The fact that we grew into adults proves our helpers did their job. Question: When do our adaptive childhood helpers turn into our maladaptive adult saboteurs?Answer: When the same strategies that helped us cope as children create obstruction to intimacy and connection in our adult relationships.What literally felt life-threatening when we were eight years old no longer poses the same threat to us as adults. We may have successfully protected ourselves from the pain of bullying, but we’ve consciously or unconsciously decided to keep those helpers around long after they were needed. Our childhood protector is no longer our ally. It’s now one of our saboteurs that reminds us with old painful memories and feeds us with out-dated beliefs.Even though we no longer experience bullying on the playground, our strategy of being introverted, aggressive, pleasing, suspicious, or victimized has become an ingrained part of how we operate in our relationships today. What was once adaptive and helpful in protecting us at eight years of age has become maladaptive and harmful in our adult relationships. Until we recognize the nature of our maladaptive strategies and how they sabotage our relationships, we’re locked into unconscious programming and reactivity that can cause a lifetime of conflict and disconnection. If you’ve ever seen a profile photo of an iceberg, your maladaptive programming is the large mass of ice below the water line. It’s huge and, as we know, not visible from the surface.This is what relationship coaching uncovers. It reveals what’s under the surface and gives us powerful tools to clear our life of old programming that no longer serves us. It helps support self-awareness and self-compassion by acknowledging the usefulness our old helpers once offered, and it welcomes in new programming and belief systems that support harmony in our adult relationships. Relationship coaching shows us we’re always able to choose our thoughts. It’s just that most of us are so adept at choosing the negative thoughts, we may have forgotten we have a choice in the matter!Insights empower us, but it’s what we do with them that generates actual, tangible differences in our day-to-day life with our partner. That’s why my couples incorporate brief daily practices that rewire neural pathways in the brain. Just like going to the gym to increase our physical strength, we build emotional strength and capacity, replacing old limiting patterns with the wisdom that comes from awareness and practice.Relationship coaching is like looking at your partnership through a brand-new lens. When conflict arises my coaching couples approach it as an opportunity to use their new tools, rather than more proof that they’re their with the wrong person.They draw on a common language to understand themselves and each other better, and they realize (often for the first time) that happy, intimate relationships aren’t mysterious accidents that only happen for the lucky ones. Happy relationships are grown through education, self-awareness, humility, empathy, and a whole host of tools you never learned in sex education. It’s ok, no one teaches this stuff in high school. I wish they did. But if you work with a couples coach at some point, you’ll discover that building a happy relationship is not about luck, it’s about learning. If my weekly writing is valuable to your relationship, and you can afford the price of a cup of coffee once a month, I’d be so grateful for your paid support.See you next week where we’ll learn about The Curse of Confirmation Bias. And if you want to learn how Relationship and Intimacy Coaching couple benefit your life with your partner, let’s talk. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

As we’ve learned in earlier chapters, no matter who you are or how happy you are in your relationship, you’re going to experience conflict. Experiencing conflict in your relationship is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of wisdom: It’s simply a polarized dialogue between two people holding opposing positions. How we navigate this dialogue is determined by how skillful we are at moving through conflict as a couple.The Saboteur mind versus the Sage mindWhen it comes to our inner battles and moments of clarity, think of the “saboteur” as the nagging voice in your head, always pointing out flaws and holding you back. The saboteur is your personal critic. Meanwhile the “sage” is your inner guru, offering you wise advice and nudging you toward positive choices and self-awareness. This is the tussle we all suffer in our subjective experiences to one degree or another. When our inner Saboteur is present in a conflict, emotions easily escalate.We create what is almost certainly a false story about our partner that’s full of judgment and blame. Our Saboteur knows exactly what to say to make us right and our partner wrong. Sometimes we realize something we’re about to say is damaging, but we say it anyway.When our inner Sage is present in a conflict, we exercise our wisdom muscles and bring tools of understanding and curiosity to the conversation. Our inner Sage listens more and reacts less. It seeks reconciliation and steps back from the heat of the moment, to ask some important questions, like the question why?Make an agreement with your partner that you’ll ask each other ‘why?’ you’ve chosen your position in an argument — not in a demanding tone, but from a place of curiosity and a desire to understand. Once they’ve answered, ask them again, Why is that? And again for a third time, ask them why. Why do they feel the way they do? Why is it important for them? Why?Hearing the deeper ‘why’ behind our positions is often missed in a heated argument. If we’re in a triggered state, we jump over our underlying why’s and make defense and survival our primary focus. We’re operating from our primal brain in that moment in an effort to survive attack. We want to be proven right and convert our partner to our perspective.Going deeper into our curiosity enough to ask ‘why?’ three times helps to intercept our Saboteur’s fearful judgments and reveals the needs behind our partner’s position. Asking why with the intention to really listen offers our partner a chance to reflect on their needs and the time to express themselves clearly. This process helps to awaken our empathy and step into our partner’s shoes. Bypassing the pain of anger and finding resolution is a huge victory for a couple. Each victory builds the muscle memory of moving through disagreements quickly. The stronger those muscles become, the easier it is to find consensus and return to connection.Rather than viewing conflict with a “grit your teeth and get through it” attitude, dig deeper and discover the gifts that can be found in conflict.Gift #1 – Creating new patternsWith every conflict there’s an opportunity to grow in and return to connection. We learn to recognize when our inner saboteurs are front and center, escalating emotions and armoring ourselves against the pain of disconnection. Choosing to de-escalate a conflict is the first and most difficult step to take, but this choice becomes easier with every success. With every de-escalation, we strengthen new and healthy patterns of managing conflict.Gift #2 – Deepening trustIf you move through conflict led by your Sage mind, you will deepen trust and connection with your partner. You’ll both begin to trust that conflict doesn’t have to rattle your core or threaten your relationship. It doesn’t have to pit one right person against one wrong person. Your Sage mind understands that conflict is a stepping-stone to effective communication, listening, and finding a new shared position that acknowledges the underlying needs of both people.Gift #3 – Getting to what’s trueConflict offers us the opportunity to speak our truth. If we find disconnection scary, we will get into the habit of suppressing our words and our needs. Withholding our truth as a way to avoid disconnection only leads to resentment and more conflict down the line. Having opposing positions with our partner offers us the opportunity to practice our communication skills. Learn to intercept your Saboteur in its familiar mode of reactivity and accusations and embrace your Sage mind — which is curious about your partner’s deeper “whys”.Healthy relationships allow conflicts to arise. Skilled couples have the tools to intercept their Saboteurs and adopt a Sage mind in order to create new patterns, deepen trust, and express their truth. Consider a current or recent conflict you’ve had with your partner and imagine how you both might replace the angry voice of your Saboteur with the wisdom of your Sage. How would learning about your partner’s more vulnerable underlying needs quiet the judgmental voice of your inner Saboteur? How would the conflict have progressed if each of your Sage minds took the time to ask “why” three times?The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

This is the final Horseman we know all too well. Defensiveness. Every one of Dr. John Gottman’s Four Horsemen (Contempt, Stonewalling, Criticizing, Defensiveness) is a maladaptive strategy to protect us from harm.I’m sure you can trace your protective strategies back through the ages, even to the playground, when you were first introduced to these deadly relationship horsemen so many years ago.“No, I’m not, you are!” “I didn’t do it, you did!” “I didn’t want to be your friend anyway!”We learned very young how to deflect, defend, and deny in order to save us from perceived danger. It all made sense at the time, but now as adults in relationships, that same defensiveness shuts down constructive conversation with a defensive word, or even just a look.As adults in relationships, our defensiveness is just as transparent as it was in our younger years. Our vocabulary may have grown, but the strategy is still pretty simple: deflect and defend from attack.“I’m not defensive, I’m just explaining myself.” “Why are you attacking me? I’m not the one who started this.” “I don’t need to change. You’re the one who needs to change.” These statements are defensive, they blame the other person, deny wrongdoing, or refuse to engage in a constructive dialogue. Instead of acknowledging our partner’s perspective and seeking to find common ground, defensive statements escalate conflict and undermine emotional connection.Strategies for Overcoming Defensiveness in RelationshipsFear of vulnerability is often at the root of defensiveness. Here are some factors that contribute to that fear:* Low self-esteem: People with low self-esteem may be more defensive because they are sensitive to criticism and feel threatened by it. They may fear that criticism or feedback will confirm their negative self-image, leading them to become defensive and protective of their self-esteem.* Insecurity: People who feel insecure in their relationships may be more defensive because they fear rejection or abandonment. They may perceive criticism or feedback as a threat to their connection with their partner, leading them to become defensive and protective of their relationship.* Trauma: People who have experienced trauma, abuse, or neglect may be more defensive because they have learned to protect themselves from harm. They may perceive criticism or feedback as a threat to their safety, leading them to become defensive and protective of themselves.* Communication style: Some people may have a communication style that is naturally more defensive, perhaps because they have learned to be assertive or to protect themselves from conflict or criticism.* Cultural factors: Cultural norms and values can also influence defensiveness. In some cultures, being defensive may be seen as a sign of strength or assertiveness, while in others, it may be seen as a weakness or a lack of humility.There are many reasons that contribute to someone choosing defensiveness as their primary strategy, and they all feel equally bad.Like all the Four Horsemen, defensiveness has a hardness to it. Just like the armor we imagine the horsemen wearing on their bodies, defensiveness looks and feels like a hardened shell of anger and protection.The way through that hardness is to ask yourself: What am I protecting? What’s the underlying fear behind my defense?We can always choose to put our armor down and acknowledge that defensiveness is not going to make us any safer. In a relationship, safety comes only with connection, and connection comes only with vulnerability. Dealing with the effects of defensiveness on a relationshipHere are some suggestions for the next time you find yourself armored up for defensive battle:* Be curious: Curiosity is the opposite of defense. Rather than becoming defensive, try to approach your partner’s concerns with curiosity. Ask questions to understand their perspective. Instead of defaulting to reactivity, try being more responsive to what your partner is saying.* Cultivate empathy: Step into your frontal lobe which is your brain’s seat of empathy. Empathy can help partners understand each other’s perspectives and connect on a deeper level. By putting yourself in your partner’s shoes, you can create a more supportive and understanding environment.* Take responsibility: Even if you don’t agree with your partner’s perspective, taking responsibility for your part in the situation or misunderstanding can defuse your defensiveness and help your partner feel heard.Defensiveness can have damaging effects on a relationship with escalating conflict, communication breakdown, emotional distance, and the development of negative relationship patterns.It is important for couples to recognize the signs of defensiveness and work together to address it in a constructive and positive way. If one of you uses defensiveness as your chosen armor, seek out the help you need to break the unhealthy patterns that are keeping you from living an undefended life.Join The Turned-On Couple Support Community for just $5/month and learn how to expand Your Erotic Menu with us every week. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

Stonewalling is the third behavior in what's known as the Four Horsemen; four toxic communication habits that, according to Dr. John Gottman's research, are strong predictors of a relationship's breakdown. Stonewalling is a form of emotional and physical withdrawal and punishment in which one relationship partner refuses to engage with the other partner in the midst of a conflict. Stonewalling may involve a lack of response to a conversation, a refusal to discuss a point of disagreement, or an unwillingness to find resolution. Stonewalling came up in conversation with one of my coaching couples recently. They both complained to me about a loss of emotional and physical intimacy in their relationship. They acknowledged that most of their intimacy challenges were based on ongoing resentment and patterns of unresolved conflicts that generated bad feelings on a regular basis. Let’s refer to this couple as Eric and Shannon.Eric grew up with family members who used anger as a way to control others. As a sensitive child, his response to a confrontational environment was to step away from the angry words by retreating into the forest behind his home. He used stonewalling to punish his family members and protect himself from feeling emotionally overwhelmed. But Eric’s childhood stonewalling strategy was literally threatening his relationship to Shannon.Stonewalling had become his most familiar way to bypass conflict with Shannon. In his mind, he was avoiding making things worse by removing himself from the threat by retreating emotionally, sometimes for days.To Shannon, Eric’s stonewalling was a form of punishment and the very behavior that created the most damage. In her mind it was often more damaging than the original conflict. She was hurt by Eric’s disconnection from her. She felt ignored, rejected, and invalidated, and under her anger was sadness at the fear of losing Eric.Eric was afraid to lose Shannon as well. While he had a head-in-the-sand approach to conflict, Shannon’s strategy was to go head-to-head into battle by pushing through conflict and seeking resolution as soon as possible. Eric experienced this as confrontational, demanding and triggering. Her discomfort with a lack of immediate resolution would end up pushing Eric into overwhelm, which led him to stonewall Shannon (in order to keep her at bay). Every conflict would engage this pattern and send both of them into a mode of self-protection and disconnection.After some investigation, Eric and Shannon started to recognize their opposing strategies to avoid conflict and how they both contributed to triggering each other’s old fears. They learned to avoid stonewalling before it happened by using their insights to develop new communication habits. One of those habits was acknowledging that they were both seeking the same thing, to be understood and avoid the pain of conflict. Eric learned to recognize the early signs of his emotional overwhelm. He became aware of his breath becoming shallow, his heart starting to race, and his inability to even hear what Shannon was saying. He started to recognize the signs of moving into what he now calls his ‘survival mode’.Now Eric calls for a time-out; not to punish Shannon but to take a much- needed break in order to calm down and process his feelings. He sees now that his angry stonewalling only heightened Shannon’s fears and insecurities, which made her push harder for a quick resolution. Now they both agree that before conflict ramps up into angry words, they will take a time-out with agreements.If Eric needs to leave the room to calm down (rather than stomping out, slamming doors, and stonewalling Shannon for a day or two) he reassures her that he’ll be back in an agreed amount of time. Eric’s reassurance that he’ll be back helps Shannon relax and trust that taking a time-out is not a form of punishment, but rather Eric’s self-care. She sees that taking space helps both of them clear their minds. Whether it’s five minutes, twenty minutes, or an hour, they would agree to revisit the conversation, this time feeling less triggered and more able to hear the other’s perspective.It’s important to recognize that our strategies during conflict have been with us since childhood. They may have made sense from a child’s perspective, but can now literally pose a threat to our relationship. Understanding the origins of those strategies and the needs behind them helps to bring an end to tactics like stonewalling.When a couple begins to investigate and share their childhood conflict strategies, they can begin to build new, healthy ones based on their adult needs. Healthy relationships are not conflict-free, but they are sustained by proven methods that move a couple quickly from disconnection back to connection.If Eric and Shannon’s story sounds familiar to you, reach out and let’s talk.The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

Narrated by Corinne FaragoLast week we talked about researcher John Gottman’s Four Horsemen, identifying patterns of four deadly relationship dynamics. This week we’re looking at contempt. What does contempt look like, and how do we tame that wild beast?I remember the first time I recognized contempt in a couple early on in my coaching career. They would swing from language that was supportive and loving into nasty words and behaviors that showed utter contempt for each other. When communication around sexual frequency broke down, leaving them stuck in a disagreement, expressions of contempt were their “go to” habit of acting out.It was clear that the intimacy they were seeking was never going to grow until they recognized the destructive nature of contempt, and the lasting resentment it was creating.Contempt is perhaps the most destructive of all relationship patterns.When we treat our partners with contempt, we send a clear message that we don’t value or respect them. This can have devastating effects on the health and longevity of a relationship.Understanding the impact of contempt on couplesContempt can take many forms, from name-calling and insults to sarcasm and eye-rolling. It often arises when we feel angry, frustrated or disappointed with our partner. Instead of addressing the issue in a healthy and productive way, we allow our emotions to get the better of us, and we lash out.The problem with contempt is that it creates a toxic cycle of negativity that can be very difficult to break. When we treat our partners with contempt, they’re likely to respond with defensiveness, withdrawal, or stonewalling. This, in turn, can make us even more contemptuous, and the cycle continues.The first example of contempt with my coaching couple was eye-rolling when one of them shared their thoughts or feelings about sexual frequency. The second expression of contempt was snide under the breath, comments when one of them was talking. This clearly communicated a lack of respect for the other person’s feelings and opinions. This ongoing cycle was continuously eroded the emotional connection between them.They both felt lonely, resentful, and disconnected. Their relationship didn’t offer them a place of retreat from the world. It had instead become a war zone that impacted their mental health. One of them struggled with ongoing anxiety, and the other was on constant high alert from the stress of conflict. Recognizing and acknowledging contemptuous behaviorLet’s look at the way contempt shows itself in a relationship:Eye-rolling: When one partner rolls their eyes in response to something the other partner says, it communicates a lack of respect and a dismissive attitude.Sarcasm: Sarcasm can come across as mocking or belittling, which can be hurtful to the partner on the receiving end and damage the emotional connection on going.Name-calling: When one partner uses derogatory names or insults in response to something the other partner says, it will erode the emotional connection between partners. Hurtful words linger for days, months, sometimes years.Dismissive body language: When one partner crosses their arms, turns away, or makes other gestures that communicate a lack of interest or respect, it conveys a lack of empathy and understanding.Criticism: Criticizing one’s partner in a harsh or judgmental way creates resentment and hostility. While criticism is not the same thing as contempt, it can often be a precursor to contempt in a relationship. The couple I was coaching had become habituated to contempt because it fell within the familiar zone of their behavior patterns. It was time for them to draw a new line in the sand that they would not cross, no matter how heated emotions got. They started to recognize the destructive nature of contempt and made a commitment to treat each other with respect and kindness, even when they were angry. They had to step back from what was familiar and learn healthier ways to express their emotions, like using “I” statements and active listening. Most importantly, they stepped out of mutual blame and came together as a team in order to bypass contempt and address the underlying issues behind an argument. They made the very important decision to seek outside help to do that, and in our work together, they began to finally feel safe enough with each other for intimacy to begin to grow again.Breaking the habit of contempt can be challenging, but, with commitment and effort from both partners, it’s possible. Here are some strategies that couples can use to break the cycle of contempt in their relationship:* Recognize and acknowledge the problem. The first step in addressing contempt is to name it and acknowledge that it’s a problem in the relationship. Both partners should be willing to take responsibility for their part in the dynamic and commit to working on the issue.* Practice active listening. Active listening is a technique where you listen to your partner’s perspective without judgment or interruption. It’s a powerful way to show understanding and break the cycle of contemptuous and painful communication.* Replace negative behaviors with positive ones. Instead of rolling your eyes or making a sarcastic comment, try to show empathy for your partner’s point of view (even if it’s not your own). This can start to build a more positive and supportive dynamic in the relationship.* Practice gratitude. When making a request, develop the habit of expressing gratitude for the things that your partner does well or that you appreciate about them. Start with a gratitude statement followed by the request. This shifts the focus away from negative behaviors and builds a more positive emotional connection.* Seek professional help. A coach can help both partners identify the underlying issues when contemptuous behavior comes up as well as provide tools to lead a couple toward healthy communication skills.* Breaking the habit of contempt can be challenging, but is absolutely possible. In a world so desperately in need of loving kindness, our contribution to a better world begins in your home.Do you recognize contempt as part of your relationship dynamic? In what ways does it show up? Share in comments, or message me privately. I’d love to hear what your experience is with all of the Four Horsemen. Next week we’ll look at the third of the Four Horsemen, Stonewalling.The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive weekly exclusive posts and support my work, consider becoming a paid subscriber for $5/mo. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

Renowned psychologists, John and Julie Gottman have made significant contributions to the field of couples therapy and relationship research.One of their contributions is the model known as “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” to describe communication patterns that can predict the end of a relationship. That’s right, based on years of research with thousands of couples, we can predict which relationships will end based on four toxic behaviors.They are:CriticismContemptStonewallingDefensivenessStatistics speak volumes when it comes to relationships so let’s dive into the First Horseman: CriticismSafety is a fundamental requirement in building healthy relationships. We want to feel our partner has our back, understands, supports, and wants the best for us. We hope for trust, communication, generosity, cooperation, sexuality, affection, attention, and humor – all of which require that we feel safe with our partner (emotionally, physically, and spiritually). However, when a couple allows criticism to seep into their communication, they can become domestic adversaries either bracing for the next painful exchange or healing from yesterday’s wounds. Identifying signs of criticismCriticism is not complaining. We can complain about a situation; we can complain about something we’d like to change. Complaining turns to criticism when we blame our partner for our troubles, more specifically, when we blame and label our partner’s personal traits as being wrong or bad.Here’s an example of a simple complaint that rolls into criticism.Nora: “Adam, you forgot to take out the trash in time for garbage day again.” Adam: “Yup, I missed this week.”Nora: “You’re so forgetful and lazy. You never remember to do anything around the house!”Adam: “You’re a nag. You obsess about all the things I do wrong. You never appreciate anything I do around here.” Their communication about the trash escalated quickly from facts to criticism and ended in anger. The issue of the trash wasn’t resolved with an agreement of how to avoid missing garbage day again, but went straight to accusations leaving them both feeling hurt and defensive. This pattern of criticism will erode an emotional connection and threaten a relationship over time.If you’re triggered and your statements start with words like, “You always…”, or “You never…”, then you’re resorting to criticism. If you label your partner by using negative words like lazy, irresponsible, stupid, flaky, hysterical, or controlling, you’re resorting to criticism.If a person regularly hears negative comments attacking their character, it will affect their self-worth, which can lead to resentment, anger and contempt. They’ll feel attacked, judged, and insecure in the relationship, provoking them to either fight back with their own criticism or withdraw emotionally from the relationship. Ongoing criticism lowers their overall self-esteem and increases defensiveness, making communication and problem-solving difficult. This cycle of negativity inevitably ends with the criticized person feeling attacked and the criticizer feeling unheard.Stepping out of this escalation takes some skill and awareness. Most of all, it requires practice.Two steps to end critical conflict:1. Lay Down Your WeaponsMake an agreement with your partner that if either of you catch criticism being used as a weapon in your disagreements, one or both of you can call it out and lay your weapons down. Take some steps to back out of the battle and shift to a more constructive way of expressing your frustration.If emotions are ramped up, de-escalate by calling for a “time-out” until you feel calmer. Taking a time-out doesn’t mean sweeping it under the rug and never talking about it again, however. Agree on how much time you both need. Maybe that’s five minutes? Or an hour? If you call for the time-out, you need to be the person who comes back and moves the conversation forward.Start with what you’re feeling (e.g., confused, lonely, sad, frustrated). Name it and don’t blame your partner for making you feel that way. Use “I” statements rather than assigning blame. Take turns identifying the need your partner has that’s not being met in this situation. Don’t assume you’re getting it right. Ask them and listen until you do get it right. You must each take responsibility for contributing to the escalation. Most importantly, agree on an action you can both take going forward to avoid repeating the same conflict. Get on the same team to solve the problem and find solutions before the conversation ends.2. Nip It in The BudOnce you get good at identifying the signs of criticism, you can nip it in the bud before it builds into a battle. Did the critical words already leave your mouth? Ask for a redo. Nothing stops conflict in its tracks quicker than someone catching themselves and asking for that. Approach the conversation again from a better mindset and rephrase your complaint without attacking your partner’s character or shortcomings.And remember, even in the midst of a heated argument, there’s still a deep yearning for connection.If you or your partner use criticism to communicate dissatisfaction or frustration with each other, take it seriously. Your partner is your teammate. Come together and make this your number one relationship priority.In Chapter 12 you’ll learn about Horseman #2, Contempt: Crossing the Line into Toxic Communication.Every relationship dynamic is unique. If you want to learn more about working with me privately as your relationship and intimacy coach, let’s talk. Kicking Off The Turned-On Couple Members ProgramThis is my formal invitation to ya’ll to become a paid subscriber to The Turned-On Couple for $5 a month (yup, the price of a coffee!) or $60 a year.Many of you have been with me for years as loyal readers. I’m so grateful to be part of your personal inbox every week. I want to know you better!As a supporting member of the Turned-On Couple Community, you’ll have access to my weekly members only deep dives where I write about what keeps love, passion and pleasure alive in a long-term relationships, starting with the Your Erotic Menu experience for curious couples.Each week we’ll explore 6 of the sexual flavors that live inside every one of us. You’ll be able to comment, ask questions, and share your experiences.If you prefer, become a supporting member for a couple of months as we dive into all the value you’ll find in Your Erotic Menu. It’ll cost you $10 and you’ll come away with skills that will change your sex life, no question.I hope you join me in this new members program. I promise to bring my whole self to this project and make your valuable dollars more than worth it for you and your relationship!Check out what you get for all levels of support by clicking below.(BTW Founding members ($180 or more) will be offered private a one-hour coaching session with me. No selling, just invaluable advice :)Let’s take it to the next level. Let’s build a community of support and learning that will enlighten and inspire you and your partner to live life turned-on to passion, pleasure and growth.With gratitude and excitement.Corinne :) Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

"Couples' conversations range from daily tasks to deep emotions. Finding balance between the mundane and profound is key to a healthy, lasting relationship. Here are three levels of conversation to identify and invite. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

No matter how well we were parented, cared for, and protected, every one of us grew into adulthood carrying emotional wounds that caused us to form negative beliefs about ourselves and the world around us. (Read that sentence again!) Some of us were wounded in our family home; others were wounded (intentionally) by bullies on the playground, or wounded (unintentionally) by friends. Our trust may have been broken, or our self-confidence undermined.Life is full of wounding experiences, and some of them leave indelible marks on our heart and psyche that continue to undermine our lives and relationships.For many of us, this translates into insecurity about our competence and abilities. Maybe someone told us we weren’t good enough or made fun of our skillset as we worked at a task like creating art, or solving a math problem, running a race, or even sharing a joke. We may have felt unpopular and wondered if we were even likable. Many people have a negative view of their bodies. We’re unsure if we’re physically desirable, or if our bodies work the same as those of other people. And then we get to our sexual preferences and wonder if our desires are “acceptable” or “normal.”In other words, are we enough just as we are in order to be accepted and loved?When two people form a relationship, two sets of wounds merge and intertwine — two sets of well-worn, entrenched wounds every couple will have to contend with if they’re going to form a lasting, loving, relationship. These combined wounds will inevitably play a lead role in our arguments. Our wounds will be exposed, poked at and prodded, at times by the very people we trust the most.We know when old wounds are being dragged into a conflict because our pain and defensiveness suddenly spikes. If our partner speaks the same words or speaks in the same tone as our inner abuser, the armor will go up, and disagreements may escalate into shouting, tearful battles. The negative stories that arise in such times can be reduced to two universal beliefs: “I’m not good enough” and “You don’t love me.” Relationship partners have the power to hurt one another by opening old wounds, they also have the power to heal by tending to those wounds.Here are three things you can practice to gain insight into your partner’s wounds and initiate a healing process:1. Sit down together when you’re both feeling calm and talk about which old wounds hold you back in love and life. Ask your partner to share the story behind one of their early wounds. What happened? How did it make them feel?When old wounds are activated, you may feel:* disrespected,* alone and lonely,* excluded,* judged and misunderstood,* bullied,* abandoned,* attacked and afraid, * guilty and regretful.What is the negative inner dialogue or belief that comes from that incident?* I can’t trust anyone to be there for me.* I’m not smart enough.* I’m not attractive enough.* The world is not a safe place.* People will hurt me or leave me.* I’m not worthy of love.Remember, most of our deepest inner wounds were experienced when we were young. They don’t necessarily make sense today. The negative story could even sound silly or embarrassing to admit. By speaking our stories out loud, and confessing the origin of our wounds, we help to objectify them and see them for what they are: old stories and beliefs that no longer protect or serve us.2. Ask your partner to consider how these wounded beliefs get triggered in your present day conflicts. Ask questions that help your partner gain insight into their emotional triggers that stem from old wounds. By better understanding the fears and needs of our partner’s younger self, we can avoid poking their wounds and escalating disagreements.3. Make an agreement to help heal each other’s wounds with words and actions that serve as a healing balm. What can you do as loving partners to help each other rewrite that old story? You can help your partner rewrite their old, negative stories by using words and phrases that counter their beliefs. The more you understand the nature of your partner’s wounds, the more specific you can be when delivering the right words and phrases to counter their inner dialogue and heal the pain from past events. Here are some general themes and phrases to give you ideas about helpful things to say:When they feel insecure about their competence:* “I know you can do it.”* “I admire so many of your skills.”* “I love how capable you are.”When they’re insecure about their body:* “You look beautiful tonight.”* “You’re perfect to me, just the way you are.”* “I’m so attracted to you.”When they’re insecure about their identity or personality:* “I respect your values.”* “You don’t have to be like anyone else. You’re perfect right now.”* “You’re so funny. I love your sense of humor.”When they’re insecure about abandonment during conflict:* “I’ll never threaten to leave the relationship in a heated moment.”* “I’m taking a time-out, but I’ll be back in 30 minutes to connect and* talk.”* “Even if we disagree about something, you come first in my life.”Supportive phrases that build our partner up can get lost in our busy day-to-day lives together. Don’t assume your partner doesn’t need to hear words that soothe their insecurities. This is love in action — the sacred potential and purpose of every intimate relationship.Dear readers, If my writing adds value to your life and relationship please consider becoming a paid subscriber. Your support of $5 a month makes it possible for me to serve you with advice and inspiration. Gratefully. Corinne Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

Having coached many couples over the years I hope I’ve earned the right to make a few broad generalizations based on my exposure to many, many relationships. For my purpose here, I’ll stick with woman/man pronouns, but keep in mind this also applies to any relationship with a masculine/feminine polarity, regardless of gender.Consider these two statements:Men don’t want to talk about their feelings.Women don’t want to talk about sex. What an interesting conundrum. Let’s look at how this might play out. Here’s a client’s account of a conversation they had with their partner that illustrates this dynamic. Beneath every statement is a “thought bubble” in italics that reveals what was hidden behind the words.Does this exchange sound familiar to you?Her: How are you doing?What is he thinking? Why does he feel distant? I wish he’d talk to me.Him: I’m good. (pause) Why? (suspicious) What does she want? What am I doing wrong?Her: Just checking in. I was feeling a little disconnected from you today. Why is he getting defensive? Can’t I ask a simple question?Him: I’ve spent the whole day with you. I don’t understand what you need from me right now. I’ll never be enough for her. She wants too much.Her: (frustration) I’m just saying, I want to feel close to you. I knew something was wrong. Is he mad at me?Him: Well, I’m not feeling much affection coming from your end either. We haven’t had sex in three weeks. There, I said it! How can she want me to open up, when she never opens up to me.Her: Is that all you ever think about? I’m not talking about sex right now. God! Sex is the only thing that matters to him.Him: You never want to talk about sex.I’m not going to share my feelings with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with me.Her: (in resignation) Never mind.I’m not going to have sex with someone who doesn’t want toshare his feelings with me. Most of us have had conversations like this one at some point. You both want to feel more intimate, but you’re traveling down two different roads trying to get there. He’s on the physical road, and she’s on the emotional road. Here are two more truths in our society that contribute to this confusing conundrum:1. Boys are raised to keep their feelings to themselves. They’re encouraged to internalize their more vulnerable emotions for fear of not appearing strong. If they cry on the playground, it’s a sign of weakness.If boys open up about their fears, their peers may shame them. If boys aren’t taught how to talk about their feelings, conversations about feelings become foreign territory.2. Girls are raised to say no to sex. Girls are taught that sex can be dangerous, and potentially ruin your life! They’re warned about getting pregnant or acquiring STDs. If they’re a “yes to sex” type they might be labeled a slut or be sexualized and used by men. By the time girls reach the age of becoming sexual, they’ve been indoctrinated into suppressing their desire and sexuality.Ergo, boys grow into men who aren’t comfortable talking about their feelings, and girls grow into women who don’t feel comfortable talking about sex. So, what do we all need in order to engage with challenging conversations about feelings and sex? We need to feel safe to express what’s true for us. In order to feel it’s safe to be honest, we need to feel safe from judgment and reactivity. If a man finds it challenging to open up about his feelings, he’ll look for signs that he’s safe to do so. Some of those signs might be that his partner; * doesn’t criticize or downplay his feelings;* listens attentively and empathetically;* accepts that it’s not easy for him to open up;* doesn’t try to fix his problem or offer solutions; and* offers an invitation to share, rather than a demand to talk.If a woman finds it challenging to open up about sex, she’ll look for signs it’s safe to do so. Some of those signs might be that her partner; * expresses curiosity about her thoughts on sex, rather than blame or judgment for having trouble opening up about the subject.* listens to her desires without withdrawing or feeling criticized;* accepts their sexual differences, and is optimistic about findingcommon ground;* doesn’t attach a conversation about sex to an expectation thatit’ll lead to sex; and* guides with open-ended questions about sex while practicingpatience and respect.Ask yourself: How comfortable do you make it for your partner to open up and share themselves in conversations they find challenging? We all have room for improvement, and it’s never too late to start creating new patterns of communication based on honesty, acceptance and trust. Yes, men and women are different, but the beauty is found in the interplay of those differences. Just as the ancient Yin-yang symbol illustrates,seemingly opposing differences unite to create a perfect symbiosis of balance and polarity.Here’s the simplest, most concise way I can muster to explain the symbiotic flow of intimacy in the masculine/feminine dynamic: I’ve broken it down into 5 distinct causes and effects. This applies to any gendered relationship that has a masculine and feminine polarity.* When a man shares his more vulnerable feelings, a woman feels connected to him emotionally.* When a woman feels emotionally connected to her partner, she’s able to let go and connect to her own desire and arousal.* When a man feels his partner’s desire and arousal, he feels connected to his erotic confidence and sexual mastery.* When a woman feels her partner’s erotic confidence, her desire for him deepens.* When a man feels confident and desired by his partner, he feels emotionally bonded to her and therefore safe to share himself more openly.And around we go in this beautiful cause-and-effect dance of sex and intimacy. Women want to emotionally connect in order to feel their desire. Men want to feel desired in order to emotionally connect. In conclusion, when a couple learns to embrace challenging conversations and acknowledge their differences, they learn to bend in their partner’s direction. This helps them meet each other’s needs by recognizing the interplay of opposites that combine in the lovers’ dance.Dance Me to the End of Love by Leonard Cohen, for your listening pleasure. :)The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

“Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center of the human experience.” — Brene BrownMy coaching couples lead busy lives. Most have to really juggle their schedules to find time to be alone and share much needed intimate time together. They’re very effective in getting things done, building careers, organizing kids, and planning life, but somehow these things don’t translate into vulnerability, which can’t be slotted into a busy day or simply added to a “to-do” list. There’s more to vulerability than running a meeting or throwing a dinner party.When couples come to see me about love and intimacy, they sit down to have one of the bravest conversations they can have as a couple. I appreciate how challenging it is to hear our partner’s dissatisfaction or unmet desires. We’re not comfortable hearing about our partner’s pain. Rather than listening with a desire to understand, we might want to bypass the hard stuff and move directly into “fixing” and “solving.”We hold tight onto our armor and use whatever strategies we’ve developed to deflect (what feel like) arrows coming our way. Anger, blame, judgment, withdrawal — are all strategies we use to fend off what we fear the most: becoming vulnerable and laying down our shields.Vulnerability is reached when we dig down below emotions like anger, blame, judgment, and any other reaction that protects our position of victimhood. When we’re vulnerable we take ownership of our feelings and accept responsibility for our reactions to life. Vulnerability is a gift that descends upon us when we stop pretending to have it all together and admit to our human flaws and fragility. It’s a gift we give to ourselves and our partner, because it shifts our state from one of closed-off superficiality, to one of feeling and deep sharing.When one partner in a couple opens the door to vulnerability, they create space for their partner to join them there, and it’s in that space of shared vulnerability that hearts connect and intimacy is experienced. Vulnerability is a prerequisite to love, intimacy and connected sex. Without it, our relationships skim the surface and stagnate.Vulnerability and trustBefore we allow ourselves to become vulnerable, we first need to trust that our partner will attune to our feelings and help us feel safe. There are ways to support your partner in their vulnerability:* Talk less and listen more to what our partner is expressing.* Not try to fix them or solve their problem in the moment.* Ask open-ended questions to help them express themselvesfully.* Be judgment free, even if you don’t share their perspective.* Empathize with words or body language of support.* Accept that they have a right to feel what they’re feeling.Every time we show up for our partner in their vulnerable moments, trust is built. Our partner learns from experience that it’s safe to be vulnerable with us, that they’ll be heard, and that their truth will be honored.Vulnerability is sexy. When we open up sexually and let our partner not only into our bodies, but into our hearts, fears, desires, insecurities, we build real intimacy. We also build real intimacy when we risk asking for what we want, take the chance of being seen as less than perfect or let ourselves go into orgasmic pleasure. In our vulnerability we experience the kind of sexual intimacy that’s rarely represented in porn or media. Vulnerability is the foundation to great, mind-blowing sex. That’s a fact!If a couple loses their ability to be vulnerable with each other, sex becomes functional or transactional. We go through the motions, feeling disconnected, unmet, and emotionally unfulfilled. Disconnected sex leads to loss of interest and desire, which is the number one reason most couples seek out sex and intimacy coaching. Here are some of the approaches my couples have found helpful in supporting vulnerability:* Share about your day from a feeling rather than a doing perspective.* Practice radical honesty from a place of love.* Admit when you’ve made a mistake.* Ask for what you want simply and clearly.* Confess disappointment without blaming.* Experiment with keeping your eyes open during sex or making out.* Show your vulnerable feelings. Don’t be afraid to cry.* Be curious about your partner’s experience.* Ask questions that lead to vulnerable conversations.If we think of our relationship as a garden, imagine vulnerability as one of the ingredients needed to keep your plants growing strong and bearing fruit. Tend to your garden daily with deep watering that sinks down into the roots. Deep feelings and deep sharing will nurture deep love and desire.If you’re interested in knowing how couples coaching can awaken deeper intimacy and a more fulfilling sexual connection, reach out. There’s no greater investment you can make in your happiness both in love and life.Buy your own copy of The Turned-On Couple and use it to guide you through conversations that touch on every aspect of your relationship from love to passion and pleasure. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

It’s hard to believe we’ve only been living with “smart” phones with internet access since 2007. Prior to that, if couples wanted to ignore each other, they hid behind newspapers.The old cliché of the man sitting at the dinner table with a newspaper up to his face has been replaced with the couple sitting in a restaurant scrolling their cell phones.Same problem, same complaint, and same solution, ultimately.If you’re using your phone to avoid human intimacy, connection and conversation, then it doesn’t matter what you’re hiding behind; you’re still hiding. Newspapers had a limited number of pages, with limited stories. At some point you were going to read the whole thing and eventually put it down. But phones connect us to a never-ending universe of information.Phones have become our external brain. There’s no end to the thoughts, stories, information, and propaganda our external brain insists on sharing with us, whether we want to hear it in the moment, or not.We’ve been well trained to answer the call of our pocket masters. Our brains are now wired to respond to notifications, dings, and bells and their attendant hits of dopamine or cortisol. For most of us, our phones are calling the shots.A quick look down at our external brain, and there’s a whole world of messages and images that say, “Look at me! I’m far more interesting than the human sitting across from you!”The couples I coach who are over sixty generally have a more utilitarian relationship with their phones. For them, it’s about actually having phone calls with human voices on the other end. But for the under sixties — especially those under forty — phone dependency is now on the list of common partner complaints. It’s called phubbing, and it’s a big problem in relationships.A study published in the journal Psychology of Popular Media Culture examined how smartphone use and smartphone dependency affect the health of relationships among college-aged adults. The study showed a significant correlation between higher levels of dependency on smartphones and higher levels of relationship uncertainty.Think about this: the typical American checks their smartphone once every six-and-a-half minutes, or roughly one hundred and fifty times a day. How many of these phone checks pause an intimate conversation with a loved one or interrupt some other shared moment of human connection? The affected partner can become trained as well — trained to feel less important, unseen, or discounted by their partner’s phone habits. Studies have recently tied phone dependency to partner depression and relationship dissatisfaction.“She never puts her phone down. Literally!” were the words of one of my clients. “Whenever we fight, he goes to his phone and doesn’t want to talk.”When I suggest some new etiquette around phone use, it’s usually met with a stunned silence. Some couples will look at me like I’m suggesting something quite radical, even dangerous.I think it’s a heroic demonstration of love, to say to your partner, “Let’s agree to leave our phones outside of the bedroom,” or “Let’s leave our phones in the car while we eat out,” or “Let’s avoid pulling our phones out if we’ve having a disagreement.”You can even make this formal. Write agreements down and sign your names at the bottom. Get a witness to sign off on it! Do whatever it takes for you both to acknowledge that agreements have been made, and then see what happens. Get curious about what life is like when you take your power back from your phones!What would it be like to remove your “alternate universe” from your together time with your partner and engage in full sentences that have awkward moments of silence, rambling unedited thoughts and even — God forbid — boredom. Who knows where it will lead?It’s unfair to ask our partner to compete with the instant gratification of likes, alerts, calls to action, and feeds custom-designed to target our latest AI-monitored interests. By removing our phones from our intimate life, we make the time and space to slow down and explore human connection that goes deeper than our usual day-to-day engagement with our partner. We have the dedicated, uninterrupted time to share ourselves, find out new things about our partner, and stay current with their thoughts, their vulnerability and their intimate confessions.Every time my phone dings or buzzes with a notification I think about the scene from the Netflix documentary The Social Dilemma in which three men are depicted as the controllers behind the phone, working day and night to find ways to draw my attention to my device: texts from friends, social media, Facebook Messenger, news alerts, traffic updates, voicemails, and vibrationsThe Social Dilemma helped me recognize the nonstop war playing out between my phone and my increasingly weary and divided attention. Sometimes I feel like I’m losing the battle, but I’m also hopeful that as we contend with the ongoing invasion of technology into our lives, we will re-define our values and our boundaries.I hear parents talk about creating restrictions on their kid’s phone time, taking their phones away at bedtime or limiting screen time, for example. So, let’s bring that same wisdom to protecting our intimate time with our partners.Here are three simple steps to start taking your power back from your phone:Acknowledge there’s a problem. Listen to your partner. If their experience of your phone use is causing them to feel unimportant it’s time to have an honest conversation about phone dependency and solutions.Agree on priorities. We all have obligations, work commitments, and parental responsibilities, but you can still eliminate the distraction. Set your phone to only allow calls from these important contacts when on “do not disturb,” and then use it. The rest can wait.Create phone-free periods. Agree on specific times when phones are put away in the other room, like while on intimacy dates, after a certain hour in the evenings, during long walks, and while spending time with the kids. For the ambitiously advanced radicals out there, try a techno cleanse for a weekend or a vacation. Give your brain a break from dopamine/cortisol concoctions that come with every notification. Step back into a relaxed world of analog intimacy, extended eye contact, empathetic listening, and conversations that are more than 280 characters.I’m taking on a few new clients. If you’re interested in learning more about how relationship and intimacy coaching can improve/save your relationship, book a Discovery Call with me.The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe

Once again, I’m inspired to write about a topic raised by more than a few of my coaching clients: the “F” word. The word that makes some of us open up, wanting more, and makes others close down, running in the opposite direction. The word is “feelings.”🎶 🎶 “Feelings, nothing more than feelings, trying to forget my feelings of love...” 🎶 🎶If you know this song, you’re probably over fifty. I remember listening to this song on the radio as a teen. They played it endlessly until we were all parodying it. Back then I thought it was pretty sappy, but Albert Morris was a man brave enough to sing about lost love, tears rolling down his face, and his (pre-EMO) feelings. These days we’ve all been driven deep into our feelings about the world at large, politics, uncertainty, differences, all of which impacts our home life. If we’re in a relationship, we turn to our partner to listen to our feelings and share what’s in our hearts, but sharing our feelings is not always easy depending on our upbringing and in many cases, gender. I’m going to generalize about male/female genders here and preface matters by saying I don’t like gender clichés, but I have also listened to many of my female clients over the years repeat the same frustration with their male partner’s inability to share their feelings, so let’s talk about it.Men in our society are not raised to talk about their feelings. But that doesn’t mean they don’t have them. We’re all human beings and we all have feelings. The difference in genders has a lot to do with how we’re raised. When a little girl falls and scrapes her knee, she’s comforted, and allowed to cry; she’s held and receives sympathy. She’s encouraged to express her feelings in the safety of an accepting, empathetic caregiver.But when a little boy hurts himself, it’s all, “Come on son! Get up! Shake it off! No need for tears. It’s hardly a scratch!” from the adults around them. And their peers support that with name calling like “sissy” and “baby.” What we’re saying to that little boy is, in fact, that their feelings are wrong. They’re overacting and being too dramatic. What they hear is that their feelings are best kept hidden for fear of being ridiculed and shamed.This is where the shaming begins, and it continues throughout every part of a boy’s life. We want our boys to be strong, but we make the horrible mistake of associating the suppression of feelings with strength and the display of vulnerability with weakness. We set up our boys to grow into men who are unable to access their feelings. Their emotional intelligence becomes limited because of our cultural discomfort with male vulnerability.Women are trained to express their feelings. We huddle in the playground to talk about boys, we pour our feelings into our diaries, and we watch our mothers chat with their friends for hours. We learn how to be vulnerable even when it’s uncomfortable for fear of being shunned in our sharing circles. We learn to hold space for sad friends. It’s safe for us to cry over a movie or a heartbreak. When we bring these alternatively trained, emotionally-suppressed men into relationships with women trained to share their feelings, the massive disconnect can lead to frustration, misunderstandings and relationship breakups. Women enter a relationship looking for the kind of emotional sharing they got from their female friends; men come in with a desire to be seen as a strong and reliable protector (who won’t fall to pieces if he falls down and scrapes his knee). Emotional suppression leads to relationship problems, and often to depression (recognized now as unexpressed feelings of sadness).Is it any wonder that our world is filled with anger and violence in and out of the home?It’s not the fault of the boys, or the men they grow up to be. Relationships create an opportunity for healing to occur, when couples learn to bridge the feelings gap' between men and women.Practical solutionsWhat I’m going to suggest can be applied to any emotional disconnect regardless of gender. If you’re going to invite your partner to open up and talk about their feelings, it behooves you to create a safe place for them to do that. By safety I mean a conversational space where they can trust that they won’t be shut down, belittled, criticized, made light of or talked out of what they’re feeling.You can lay the ground rules for sharing feelings:* Feelings are not accusations, finger pointing, or blaming.* Your feelings are your responsibility.* Your feelings are about you, not anyone else.* No one can “make” you feel a certain way.* Feelings are inherently vulnerable.Angry feelings are always an overlay for a feeling that’s harder to express and a need that’s not being met. Dig deeper.In order for your partner to share their feelings, they need to trust that it’s safe to do so, and trust isn’t built in one conversation. It’s built over time with many little experiences in which their feelings are welcomed. Feelings are not a flat tire, or anything broken that needs to be fixed. If you’re listening to your partner share their feelings and all the while you’re thinking about how you can fix it (so they no longer have to experience those feelings), you’re missing the opportunity to build trust. These approaches will diminish trust:* You jump in with your own story about having those feelings.* You secretly discount the impact of those feelings on yourpartner.* You build an argument to defend yourself or counter yourpartner’s feelings with your own.* You use your partner’s confessions against them in the future,thereby confirming that it’s not safe to be honest.* You criticize your partner for not sharing their feelings, therebytraining them to avoid the topic.Building trust with your partner in a way that makes them safe in the feelings department is actually quite simple. It mostly requires listening until they’re done, and offering empathetic statements, like “It must be hard to feel that,” “I understand what you’re saying and why you’d feel that way.”That’s it!Give them the time it takes them to express what they want to say. If you’re not sure if more needs to be said, you can ask, “Is there anything else you’d like to say about that?” And then wait.Sometimes a patient, sympathetic question can open another door for your partner to explore. If the conversation ends with “I think that’s all I need to say about that” then you know it’s ok to change the subject and honor that they’ve met their capacity in that moment. Let them hear your appreciation and acceptance.“Thank you for sharing all that,” is a useful phrase that translates as, “I love you. I respect you.”By seeing the positive results of their efforts, your partner will begin to associate the sharing of feelings with the reward of appreciation rather than ridicule and shaming. Fixes, shared experiences, helpful suggestions can all come later. For now, you’ve met your partner’s feelings with respect, and you’ve helped build more trust that their feelings are safe with you in the future.In conclusion, create the time and space for your partner’s soft vulnerable feelings such as fear, sadness, or grief; allow them to express their feelings before they become hardened expressions of anger, depression, and withdrawal. Behind every man (and woman) raised to become the “strong silent type” there’s a small boy (or girl) who believes that being vulnerable is weak and dangerous.Here is Albert Morris himself singing Feelings (for your listening pleasure :)🎶 🎶 “Feelings... Woah-oh-oh Feelings... Woah-oh-oh feelings... again in my heart...” 🎶 🎶I’m currently taking on a few new clients. If you are interested in learning more about relationship and intimacy coaching, let’s talk about what that might look like in your relationship.The Turned-On Couple Community is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Get full access to The Turned-On Couple Community at theturnedoncouple.substack.com/subscribe