Grief & Grievance

It is easy to look at the worldAnd have grievancesAt least for meAnd because that condition is so consistentAnd yet so at odds with the life I want to liveI needed to explore it moreNow, a lot of my writing seems to vilify the thinking mindAnd i don’t mean to do thatWhere my frustration liesIs in the thinking mind being primary in our cultureWhen it is just a portion of our experienceSo the thinking mind is only ok with meWhen it’s a part of my experienceNot the conductor of itBecause what I’ve noticedIs there are broad swaths of my experienceWherein the thinking mind is a diversion, a distractionAnd grief is one of those placesI need to feel grief, without story, to integrate it, to let it shape meAnd when I get caught in storyOr worse, when my grief gets trapped in my mindThe mind’s incapacity for feelingTurns grief, which it can’t control, into grievance, which it sure can.My own inability to encounter or withstand the painful feelings of griefRedirects it into finding fault in the worldThat whole, when you’re pointing one finger at somethingThree more fingers are pointing inward toward yourselfTaking that literally has helped meAsking again and again and again, what is the real source of this grievanceAnd so far, every time, there’s an interior griefA value diminished, a potential unrealized, a love lostBringing my most mature and resourced aspectsTo meet that grief, to let it be felt and knownTypically takes a few minutes at a timeThere’s a question, and then a surge, and then a comedownMy experience of the process seems to have a natural titrationNot that it solves it in one encounter - it doesn’tBut it softens it, familiarizes my resourced self with the territoryAnd makes a commitment to my hurting parts that they will be tended regularlyBecause grievances comes upAnd using that as a cue to meet the griefHonestly, has cut my general mental chatter by probably 80%Here’s an example:My son missed an important deadline and the results could be very expensiveI get mad at him and my mind’s chatter is busy with blame, frustration, and imagined futuresBut when I sit with it a little more deeplyI feel griefGrief that I can’t protect himGrief that my parenting had important gapsGrief that I’m not in a stable place from which I can absorb financial challengesAnd when I meet these waves of sadness, confusion, longingI’m not mad at my sonThe chatter dissolves into compassion towards him and towards myselfAnd curiosity about what will happen, even if ruefulMy grievances with the state of governmentTurn me again and againTo my grief about this country’s painful historyAnd lack of accountability toward itWhich feels too bigSo I then turn my attention to my personal griefAt the way I treat my own wise vulnerabilityThat I was raised in a culture that made the thinking mind dominantAt the cost of feeling, nature, sensitivityAnd that exerciseThough painfulIs restorativeAs I commit again and againTo my body, my feelings, my relationships, my willingness to take responsibility for my lapses and be available for repairUsing grievance as a signalTo tend to my griefHas me stop running and striving, to simply be with my griefAnd I haven’t exhausted the wellBut I have found the water clear and flowingAnd nourishing the life around itBecause life grows where water flowsAs the saying goes ‘tears are the sweat of a heart that’s doing its work’ This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com