Happy Puppy/Sad Puppy

Possibly the most beneficial thing I ever did as a parentWas to teach my kids “Happy puppy/Sad puppy” as preschoolersHere’s how that went:Imagine we go to the park, and right when we get thereYou see the cutest puppy you’ve ever seenAnd she sees you, and her tail starts wagging, and she runs over to youAnd you know: this is your puppyWhat does that feel like?Where do you feel that in your body?What is your breathing like?Mark that. Remember it. We’re going to call those feelings “Happy Puppy”Now.You’re playing with this puppy you loveAnd she’s so cute, and she throws her own ball!It goes pretty far and she runs to chase itBut it goes into the street and look up and you see a car comingWhat does that feel like?Where do you feel it?What is your breathing like?The puppy is fine in this imaginary story, it was just scaryBut I want you to notice the feelings and the places and sensations.That’s “Sad Puppy”If you ever feel Sad Puppy, no matter what we are doing, just say “sad puppy”And we will change our course of action, right then.That feeling is telling you what not to doYou don’t need to know why you shouldn’t do itYou just need to honor that feeling as knowing something you don’t knowMuch like that puppy didn’t know the car was comingBut now you also know the specific feelings of Happy puppyGo towards those experiences.Those feelings mean that’s right for you.Happy Puppy and Sad Puppy are both specific and reliable.And that was the most important lesson I taught my childrenIt was supported by a book I read at the timeThat also included this fascinating idea:The body knows more about the environment than the brainIf your body behaves in fear, the reason is immanentIf you can describe your fear, the reason is often imaginaryI’m not sure if that’s true, but it’s held pretty true in my sample size of 4And at the time, when I’d mention I was teaching my kids thisPeople told me I was crazyIf you tell your kids they can change your mind by just saying ‘sad puppy’They’re going to manipulate you all the time to get what they want.It was a risk I was willing to take.My eldest only said sad puppy twice in her childhoodOnce in a restaurant in Rome,We turned around and walked out.My youngest used it a little more frequently, probably about six times Once as we were about to sign a lease on a house -Talk about putting your money where your mouth isWe left the office and went to find a new place to live.I love this lesson because it taught my kids their emotional rangeAnd how to listen to itAnd how important it is and should be to their loved ones to honor it.Recently, my daughter, who is living in BrooklynTalked about leaving a party because she just felt sad puppyI don’t know that I’ve ever been happier than hearing her say thatI’ve spoken before about gaps in my parentingBut this one, this was pure goldAnd has had rich and lasting effects on each of us, and our relationshipMaking me one happy puppy. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com