How Do I Heal My Insecure Attachment

Unless you had unicorn parents, chances are that you follow a combination of two primary insecure attachment styles: Anxious (Ambivalent)— Think of a wave who constantly needs connection. Avoidant (Dismissive)— Think of an “island” who needs space. or a combination of the two (Disorganized AKA “Dismissive avoidant”) The problem with these tests and quizzes is that once people find out their attachment style, (which really is about how we react to anxiety in relationships) they begin to think that their attachment style is set in stone. It’s like a pathological diagnosis that they’re “born with” that “they can’t do anything about”. I call bullsh#t. The problem with this belief is that these people begin to live as though they need to find the perfect person “out there,” this “magical other”who can tolerate their anxious behaviours and the way they cope, and in far too many cases, these folks feel entitled to finding someone who will solve their attachment wounding FOR them. Unfortunately living under this fantasy ends up with us in the same familiar dance, toxically repeating patterns, going through the anxious/avoidant cycle… when reality hits and we get our abandonment/avoidant wounds activated. This sends the fairy-tale high into a frenzy fuelled by the magnetism / repulsion of push/pull dynamics of love bombing (pedestalization), then the push away (devaluing) and the ghosting (discarding)... Over time relationships are experienced as endlessly on a merry go-round, the effects of the unconscious polarity turns at the drop of a dime... After conflict, without the right skills, the rug has been pulled out from under them and the high turns to suffering once the honeymoon phase is over and the reality sets in. These patterns run deep, and talking about them in therapy, listening to podcasts, and watching youtube videos DOESN’T ACTUALLY HEAL YOU. Why? Because our attachment distress responses of fight/flight/freeze/fawn are in our BIOLOGY. They live in the body, and get revealed only when we are triggered, and all the reading in the world won’t address it, the same way that you can’t learn to dance or swim by reading a book. Like doing a fire drill to “rehearse” what the students in the classroom will do in a REAL fire, To heal from these insecure attachment styles, these distress responses must be consciously and safely ACTIVATED (Triggered) while you “rehearse” a different response. And here’s where it shifts: The Anxious Attached would lean into SELF regulation instead of aggressively seeking connection. The Avoidant, normally an island-- would practice leaning into CO-REGULATION and mastering the art of elegant boundaries with their time and space. Both extremes in the polarizing game of masculine/feminine relationship dynamics, each one either can fan the flames of Toxic Trauma Bonding Push Pull dynamics, or — like in the relationship I’ve been able to co-create with my wife, we can use the relationship as a healing container where we alchemize the wounding into a sacred union where children feel seen, loved, safe— because the home has become a sanctuary. The good news is: You CAN heal. You CAN learn how to elegantly repair— and connect deeper as a result. Your attachment style is NOT a pathology. It either ends up as a curse that will unconsciously keep you pushing love away, or it can be your greatest magnetic trait for the right person. It’s our call. When you become Trigger-Proof, your relationship anxiety becomes an actual bridge to DEEPER intimacy, healing, and juicy magnetic polarity that comes from a conscious choosing, and deepening over time— instead of that intense “moth to a flame” that’s based on addiction, that fizzles out over time. (Tell me you’ve been there too). In the Attachment game, it’s important to remember 3 things: 1) You DESERVE to co-create love that feels secure and stable. You don’t have to be a doormat, create drama or ghost people, or feel victimized by everyone you meet. You don’t have to avoid love and live with 6 cats because “relationships are too difficult” and its better being alone. With the right skills, that doesn’t have to be true. There IS another way. 2) You CAN heal if you’re wiling to master some high level attachment skills, the kind you didn’t learn in school and can’t be taught by telling your story. It won’t kill us to look in the mirror sometimes. You CAN transcend the shame of it. 3) The skills you develop and practice not only grow your self worth, abundance, business, health, energy AND self trust… They can literally be taught to your children. These skills are transferrable to THEM. They are watching us in every moment and learning by what they observe. It’s freaking scary to see this with my son. He’s watching how I treat his mother. He’s learning, because I’m breaking the cycle for him. You were born with the potential and destiny to be secure in your relationships, owning your self worth, and not having to people please and wear a mask. If you’re like most people, you’ve been conditioned to be insecure. Unless you’ve alchemized your wounding, you will notice that that insecurity has likely informed too many of your choices in who you sleep with and even marry. This puts us in direct line of fire for an epic wake up call. I had to wait for a massive awakening to take ownership for the fact that who I let into my life was a direct result of the love I didn’t feel for myself. Learning how to relate securely and share my boundaries with love was a skill I never learned. And I was fortunate enough to discover that I wasn’t going to see any change in my outer world until I was willing to become Trigger-Proof, master the communication style of conscious polarity, and create safety within my own body. When I did, magnetism exploded, and the right students, clients, friends, and people entered my life, who demonstrated to me the love that I had gained for myself. I met my person by BECOMING my own person. I want the exact same for you. Your wingman on the adventure to secure love that is polarized