Hello, hello, this is Jack Langner-Hos. This is the Amida Prenner podcast. If you're new here, welcome. I think the last time that I recorded and had a guest on was probably a year ago.
So if you're new here, this is like the perfect, I would say episode because I'm going to be reintroducing myself and kind of why I started the podcast and then talk about the topic that brought me here today. It's definitely easier to interview if you've ever wanted to start a podcast or any project. Interviewing is definitely the, I would say the easiest way to get started, just because the focus is on the other person. And you already, obviously if you're interviewing somebody, you're already so interested in what they have to say, right?
You're interested in them. But when it comes to doing like a solo podcast, it's just, you know, it's a little awkward and then you're like, what am I talking to? But obviously I know that you guys are up there, you're going to be listening to this. Taking a quick pause because I'm looking at my notes and I'm looking at, I have water here.
So what definitely brought me back is that I really missed it. I missed talking to you guys. I had a lot of people listening to the podcast. It's certainly not millions of people, thousands of people.
But it's definitely people who have really supported the podcast and what I do and definitely on the topics that I speak on. So just going back to talking about interviewing people, it's a lot easier because honestly the focus is not on you. And it's hard, it's easier to have the focus on someone else, right? And it's also easier to hold space for them in their most vulnerable moments, at least for me.
And I think it's harder for us to do that by ourselves or for ourselves, especially if you're going to be talking about topics that are a little more difficult, especially if you're going to be putting your story out there for the first time. I've definitely started being more open on my Instagram. And if you guys follow me there, so just a quick plug, it's at an entrepreneur. I've started to be more open and the reason that I came back is because I am launching a full, a full on business and I'm getting ready to really, you know, help the women that I'm here to serve.
And that is women of color who are feeling stuck and are going to transition. And a lot of transitions lead to a breakdown. Life transitions can be going through a divorce, having a new baby, losing your job, things like that. And of course, a huge one is like the pandemic.
And it brings up a lot of like feeling stuck, losing your sense of identity, not really knowing your sense of purpose. And it can be really that simple that nothing has happened in your life. But that's the feeling that you have now because you're just not in alignment. You're not vibing with whatever it is you're doing because either you never aligned to it, you were just doing what you needed to do, or you just hit a place where this is not who you are anymore.
And moving forward, you want to do something else, but you don't know. So like I mentioned before, the reason that I was saying the beginning, if you're going to come on this podcast and you want to know, okay, why? What's this podcast about, right? And this is a perfect reintroduction is because when I started the podcast, I had actually been leading off and I had moved to LA.
And I was looking, I didn't know what was next for me. And I started listening. I just got really into like, I think it was 2015, 16, and I just got really into podcasts and I thought they were amazing, right? But I wasn't when I was looking for women of color and entrepreneurship, because I was really always like interested in that.
I didn't see or hear a lot of like women of color and I wasn't in LA and I was meeting so many like amazing women of color. And I was like, why am I not seeing them in the podcast world? Because at that time, and even now, right, they're the highest growing entrepreneurs. And I just thought it was crazy that I wasn't seeing that in the podcast, whether the numbers were so low.
And so that kind of started there with my passion about having creating a platform for that so that we can all really see ourselves doing things. Like entrepreneurship, creative projects. And so I launched my podcast. I just started bringing amazing women on that I was meeting.
And then the podcast, you know, just started to evolve. I went through my own things where my daughter headed off the college and I just found myself like totally lost, right? Total identity loss. And a lot of things came up for me, but at the same time, you know, we're living life.
So I would do the podcast here and there, but obviously I was still going through my own steps. So I use my platform to, again, when I went researching about what was happening to me, I wasn't finding women that look like me, right? And women that I can relate to. So I started bringing the same women on, you know, when the coach talked about transition, to talk about what was that pivotal moment when they really felt lost?
And how did they connect themselves back to themselves? How, what tools did they use, you know, like rituals down to like how different was their life before and now, you know, and these women were coming on it. They would just be so open and so vulnerable about their journey. And it was absolutely beautiful.
But I didn't know then because I really admired all the women that were coming on and being so amazing about their journey is that it's a journey. It was what I was going through was not going to just be done overnight, right? That's why it's called the journey. That's what it's called doing the work.
So having those women come on was so helpful to me. And I wanted other women that were going through what I was going through know that there was another side and I wanted to continue to create a platform for diversity and that highlighted our stories and that inspired other women to do the same, you know, to do the same for themselves and for the community. And fast forward to now I move back to my hometown and I've had so many things just like come full circle. And now that I'm launching this business, I have been helping, you know, I have been doing podcast and soul tan.
I started working with women in color who has these six-speeded businesses, launching their businesses. And it was all really like sporadic here and there. I never really committed. I did it here and there because it was more like people were asking me and I'm like sure or not.
But I never really committed that I just wasn't ready. And then I had to work through my own stuff because what ends up coming up when we want to do this dream is that our sense of worthiness, of deserving, you know, so many things come up for us that we need to work through. And now, you know, being on the other side of it and having the experience that I have, like I need and I want, I've been wanting to do this both times. And so I, you know, I know hired a coach for myself, joined a mask in my name, having accountability partner and hired someone to help me with my social media and brandy.
And she said, you know, I know these are your projects that you haven't really shared your story more about you. And I said, yeah, you know, I have here and there. But we just got to talking about those three pivotal moments, kind of like what defines you, defines you, that that kind of like stops you and totally changes everything around for you. And what I would do is ask that for yourself.
Know what? Three just three defining moments for you really change the course of your life, really sit with that and think about that. So if right now, you're going, you know, because quarantine seems to, in a sense, I don't know if we can really say settle in right there. Obviously, other countries still dealing with this at a harsher level, right?
But when I say settle in, it's that we're not, you know, obviously last year, where it first happened now, it's like, this is our new normal rate, this is what's happening. And we're learning to live with it and around with it and trying to maneuver through it. But I would ask yourself, you know, like, what are those three pivotal moments that really changed differently, that really asked me to change? And for me, one of those moments, I was definitely going through my depression, but I'm definitely going to go back to that on another day with that was one.
And then another one was being a civil mom. And the other was when I was 15, when I was 15, and I decided that I was, I just took the reins of like, I was just going to change my life. You know, I was going to make the decision that I was over the life that I had, and it needed to change anything like that. Like, what were you going to do to change your life?
But for me, it's that I was going to start manifesting like, I didn't know about manifestation, but looking back, I was a 15 year old manifester. Like, I was seeing what I wanted, right? I was searching for something and then things started to appear, and then I started making a plan for it, and I started taking action. And then I made it happen, like things just started coming to me and I expected them to happen.
So, you know, I think back, and I was just like, wow, I was manifesting these things, but I didn't know right, because a lot of us, people of color, they know that's not really aren't growing up knowing that whole manifesting thing, right? That we can bend the universe to our will, that we can do things. And if you, another talent for you guys is to really think back when you were manifesting, when you were changing things in your world, no matter what was happening to you, and how you were bending things to your will. Like, you just, you hadn't seen it in your community.
It was unheard of what you did, and somehow you made it happen. Like, you may have been the first to graduate, you know, high school, even college, or to live in the neighborhood that you live in, or even to think the way you were thinking. Those around you may not have been thinking the way you were, and even though you hadn't seen it around in your life, you somehow internally knew that you can make that happen, or that that was going to happen, right? And everything was probably telling you, no, you're not the right gender, you're not the right race, you're not, you're not in the right culture, you're not, you don't live in the right neighborhood, or whatever situation it was, right?
But something internally was telling you that it's just unknowing, not even telling you, there's unknowing, like, there has to be more to this. So hold on to that, because for me, there has to be more than this was unknowing, and then the words came. So going back to those three, three moments, one of them, you know, being when I was 15, I grew up in domestic violence, I don't know if you really know that, and it was obviously very traumatic, there was a lot of things going on, a lot of things that happened, and at the time, you know, I was living in my dad's house, and my dad at that time. And by the way, I just want to like throw a little asterisk in there, this is no jab on my parents, anything like that.
Obviously, we've all come a long way, where I shouldn't say obviously right, we don't know each other like that. But for me, I've come a long way from that. So this is, again, not a jab, like against my parents, or anything to blame or anything like that, but just to kind of tell you what was happening at that time. And so, yeah, so at that time, I was living with my dad, and my dad was the person I was violent, and my mother and father had separated.
I was no longer living with my mother, I was living with my dad, and I was just over it. I was over everything. I was over the environment. I mean, there was alcoholism, there was violence in the house.
It was just very sporadic, and it's just, you know, the neighborhood, obviously, again, I keep saying, obviously, the neighborhood that I was living in wasn't the best. And I think everything on top of that was just creating this pressure for me that I just couldn't take anymore. And I just had, I don't know what, again, that knowing that there had to be more to this. My new number voice, I never said there has to be more, you know.
But I knew there had to be more. And I remember that I saw this movie of this girl who was, she was homeless, this teen girl, and I guess her mother was on drugs, and she started going to school and everything. And I guess she got into Harvard. And she was the person that passed a law where you can divorce your parents, and you can therefore be in a door and start signing for things yourself, and just doing adult things, because at the time she wanted to grow Harvard, but they needed the signature of her mother, if I'm remembering the story right.
And her mother was, you know, out on the street on drugs, I can find her. And she was just being held back from living her life, because, you know, she needed the permission of her mother who wasn't fit, right? And I'm going to take a little while to break it. So yeah, so her life was put on hold because her mother couldn't be found, and I think she refused to do it.
I can't, obviously, me and my obviously. I can't remember everything from the movie that I remember was very point, like, very important in my life, because I remember I was like, wait a minute, you can divorce your parents. I can legally do this, like this can happen. And then I remember that I heard about group homes, that there were these group homes that you can stay at for people that didn't have parents, and that the group homes, I don't know how I found this out.
I don't remember the details of everything, but I, the details of everything, excuse me, but I knew that a group home is a place that I could stay and go to school and have stability and structures, and that there was counselors there. And so I just, I started envisioning myself. I said, okay, this is what I'm going to do. I'm going to run away in the summer, because in the summer I will be staying with several friends, friends that don't know my dad, my dad doesn't know them.
So it's a perfect opportunity for me to do that. Then it's going to be, you know, obviously the summer is like, three months, so my dad will stop looking for me, and then I will work, and then I'll go back to school, and then I'll talk to a counselor, and I'll ask a counselor to put me to a group home, and then when I'm in the group home, I'm going to go ahead and, you know, file for that to be emancipated, which is when you're with your parents, and you are legally considered an adult, and you can sign for things that are a lot of, you're not free, you're not, I would say free, right? I felt like a freedom for me, but you are still treated as a minor, and certainly, obviously, but it gives you a legal right to do a lot of things for yourself. So that was my plan.
I didn't write it down. It just all happened in my head, and then it started happening. I decided to date. I left the house.
I knew that I would not be coming back, that this wasn't a cry for help that I was done living in that situation, and I left for the three summers, and I mean, three months that summer, I lived with friends. It was very challenging. I won't go into details about that, but it was me living basically in several different houses, you know, finally going back to school and going in and talking with an amazing secretary at the time. She was assistant to all the counselors at school.
I don't know why I trusted this woman, but I just started telling her all my business, and I told her I needed to talk to a counselor, and she, you know, instead of saying, girl, I'm going to call your dad, like you're crazy, he's been looking for you, you were going to wait. No, she was just like the sweetest thing. She's like, oh, baby, like, I'm going to go ahead and let him know if you can just wait here. And while I waited, she was just, she opened up to me like about her life, about her son, and just like the sweetest kind of woman.
I remember she was just so sweet. And then going in with the counselor and just being open and honest, and what was crazy guys that when I spoke to the counselor, he had had like the same experience. His dad was very violent, and conceived of being his mother. And he, you know, he grew up in the best neighborhood either, but he knew that he was going to, you know, do something with himself and grow up and get educated and live a different kind of life.
And he did, you know, obviously he became a counselor at the school, so he got educated. And he said, you know what, I'm going to help you. And the thing was that he was Latino. And that somehow just made it easier for me because culturally I felt he understood what I was going through.
And obviously, in having the same upbringing, he was able to understand, you know, kind of what I was going through and how important it was to me to, you know, to make sure that I, I was believed, you know, that people believed me, that people weren't going to dismiss me. And at the time, I didn't know that group of homes were actually very dangerous. They, you know, they were kind of like a stepping stone to a juvenile hall, a lot of break guys. And I didn't know this until I stayed at the group home, that a lot of people said that the group home that I stayed in was probably one of the best ones, because the other ones were really violent.
They had drugs and other people were constantly either violated or there was violent acts against them. They were really bad. I didn't know at the time. And he needed his mission that if I, I guess was brave enough, brazen enough, you know, whatever word to believe that I can make this happen.
And to do everything I did that he was going to help me. He was going to make sure that I didn't regret my decision. He was going to make sure that I understood that people cared about me, you know, people were going to look out for me and that there was something bigger out there for me. Even now, I'm getting like a little emotional because like you just don't know who's looking out for you.
Like, who, you know, spirit puts in your path. You, you wonder like why you're going through all these things and why these things are happening to you. And you kind of feel really alone in it because it's your family. You know, and you feel like for everyone, like your parents are supposed to be there, your family is supposed to be there for you, right?
None of your standing, obviously, I will say that you don't know where your family's at and where their mental state is at and what's going on in your community. I do want to say that for those that may. So be going through this or someone longer listening to this. Know that you know your family and where your parents are at at the time is them trying to do the best they can with information that they have.
I just wanted to say that because I didn't know that at the time I just felt like this was life and it was just really hard and I just got like the shitty end of the stick. But just when I went to that counselor and I told him like what was happening and for him to believe me and to want to help me and to like go out of his way to find somewhere where I was going to feel safe and stable and taken care of. Because that's what I was looking for. I just didn't know at the time that that is what I was looking for.
I just knew what I didn't want, but I didn't know that you can be in these stable places and that complete strangers would show up and really show out for you. Like really just have this kindness, this love, this wanting to really help you and not just that like really help you believe that there is kindness and love in the world and that even if maybe when you started your family, your parents, that it's okay because you know believe it or not complete strangers can like really show up for you and that there is kindness and compassion and love out there. It may just not be immediately available. You can't immediately see, but I bring that up because when all of this was happening like right in the beginning when you're in this transition right and then not knowing that knowing what's happening, I feel you're brought there to really know what you want.
You're brought in that transition because you know what you don't want. You know you don't want the situation that you have, but you don't really know what you want because you've never had it. You don't know what it looks like. You don't know what it feels like.
You don't know anybody that has it. But you're taking action on the not knowing is going to open the doors for the knowing for the only what you want and then believing that you can have it. And again, it is a journey and the reason I bring that up because in every in that transition that was one of the biggest transition that happened to me, but I didn't know that. I didn't know that each transition is bringing you back to a place for clarity and for being in the unknown so that you can get to the known so that you know that it can happen for you.
So don't be afraid of not knowing what is next for you because that just means you are already on that journey. Right now you're owning what you don't want and that's absolutely necessary and it's absolutely beautiful to own. I don't want this. So don't be afraid because you don't know what you want and you don't know all the steps that you're going to on getting there.
If a 15 year old, right, and I'm talking to all our little our child inside, we come into the world not knowing and we're always still exploring, so being curious, still being hopeful, still knowing that. And I want us all to keep that because the hardest thing and the thing that threw me into depression was losing that faith. Losing the faith and hope is what would really for me would throw me into that depression, depressive space. So keep believing, keep hoping and being okay with not knowing.
It's okay. Now you know that the not knowing is a knowing and that it's going to take you to that space of figuring it out and it takes a while and that's the scary part because that's where it feels the loneliest. It feels the longest. There's a mourning process to that.
There's a lot that happens to that. So I bring that up because fast forward that's where I am today is helping women of color transform. Choosing transformation rather than being in transition. So for me transition led to a breakdown and that breakdown allowed me to have a lot of healing.
But in it I feel like I was in it too long and I want to help women of color not get stuck in that because we in our community a lot of the times we feel like we have to have a breakdown in order to break through and I think we get to that breakdown because we don't know how to be vulnerable. We don't know if we have a place of all softly. We don't have a community or maybe a culture where we talk about mental health, where we talk about depression, where we talk about not needing to be strong all the time and the power of being very vulnerable. You know first with ourselves and learning how to hold that space for ourselves.
We may not even know how to do that. I certainly didn't. And I really like the goal for me now is really to help women who are in transition, see transition and look at it like, ah, I see you. This is an opportunity for me to transform.
This is an opportunity for me to change everything to live the life that I want. This is the time for me to heal. I see you transition. I see you coming again and I'm ready for you because I now have built the rituals and the tools to prepare myself for every single journey that comes my way because I am a warrior and a healer.
You know, and those two things can go exist. You know, strong women break down too sometimes. But for me, it's changing the narrative of needing to break down in order to break through. Now I want to help women to choose transformation and to choose breakthroughs without having to break down.
So I said I wanted to keep this podcast less than 15 minutes and I'm looking and we're already getting ready to hit 30. But that is part of my journey. That is part of my journey and next week I'll be doing a live where I'll be talking about introspection and healing through journaling because that was really what helped me to build a vulnerable space for myself which I truly feel that's number one and then going out seeking help, getting the help I needed and starting to be more open and transparent and owning what I want. I will leave the details.
You can always reach out to me on instagram. If you enjoy the podcast, please share it if you know anyone that will get anything out of this, definitely share with them. Thank you guys for listening. Thank you guys for subscribing.
Thank you guys for supporting me throughout all these years. I really really appreciate it and I hope that when you have heard my story and you heard that other than that, comment on the podcast that you see yourself and what is possible. Thank you so much.