How Quickly We Forget

Have you ever solved a problemAnd then come up against it again and forgotten that you’d solved it?At the moment of recognition, there’s a downregulation that is such a reliefOh! This isn’t a big hairy monster anymore. Phew!But also intense curiosity on why it had you flummoxed again.I’ve experienced this in lots of ways over the yearsMy daughter is allergic to Neosporin and needs first aid cream insteadBut it took me nearly a dozen times to consistently remember (and I recently forgot again)I can’t even tell you how many homeopathic remedies I’ve forgotten work well for me until I’m cured by other meansBut then, there are also times when tried and true methods just don’t workThis week, for example, as I’ve been trying to soothe persistent inner angstMy go-to “spend time in nature” ritual backfiredInstead of feeling the intimate majesty of the natural worldI cried for 45 minutes about what colonization and capitalism have done to the land around meNot what I was hoping forTrue, nonethelessAuthenticity of emotion took precedence over nervous system regulationAnd no amount of effort, no tool, no remedy could turn things aroundSo I just had to go with itSuccumb to the miseryIronically, that’s helpingBut I had nearly a week of anxiety consuming probably 70% of my dayNot something I’m used toNot something I likedBut has begun to lightenHonestly, writing yesterday, “I wonder how God is going to take care of this”Kindof slapped me back into remembering I’m not in this aloneAs soon as that happenedAll of the kindness I’ve received in these last weeks came flooding inMy orientation during the height of my emotional turmoil couldn’t let the kindness sink inIt kept dragging me back to what wasn’t workingToday, the ethers feel alive with shared care and intentionOn a variety of issues, most of them, not mineAnd my myopic view of my own impotence can rest in a context of a world in painful transitionThinking I have to “fix things” in and by myself pits me against the worldAccepting that hard times are happening, and no one is immune, creates a wave of compassion for everyoneAnd sensitizes the space between us as crucial to our individual well-beingI am not the tender of this field, I am a blade of grass within itWhat a relief, even when I’m getting ruthlessly blown aroundI didn’t like that lonely vortex I was inAnd I know I’ve solved that loneliness before, but I was grasping in the dark trying to find a solutionWhen the solution was feeling itLetting it have its way with meBefore revealing the currents of careThat were there all along(Gosh, I hope tomorrow’s post is a little more light-hearted) This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com