How to be an emotion coach for your teen

Getting "jollied along" by a parent won't help an upset teenager learn how to deal with their own difficult feelings, says clinical psychologist Zara Mansoor. "One thing that's really challenging for parents - or just adults - is we want to get in, we want to fix things, we want to make things better. Actually, the most powerful thing we can often do is just sit with and keep ourselves calm," she tells Kathryn Ryan.Getting "jollied along" by a parent won't help an upset teenager learn how to deal with their own difficult feelings, says clinical psychologist Zara Mansoor."One thing that's really challenging for parents - or just adults - is we want to get in, we want to fix things, we want to make things better. Actually, the most powerful thing we can often do is just sit with and keep ourselves calm," she tells Kathryn Ryan. Listen to the interviewZara Mansoor is a PhD candidate at the University of Otago in Wellington.Related: Adolescence can be brutal - but parents can help reduce the risk (An article by Zara Mansoor for The Conversation)We all experience strong emotion flipping the 'rational' part of our brain out of the driver's seat, Mansoor says, and young developing brains are particularly prone to such a flip."You see these incredible moments of empathy and perceptiveness and then your next minute, it's emotional overwhelm or shutdown."In those moments, teenagers need coaching from an adult to regulate their emotions, she says.This kind of coaching is a way that parents can both offer and model the thing the young person will benefit from most - empathy."We want to think about connecting with our young people, trying to understand what's going on for them and then help them understand."By saying 'Hey, looks like you had a really tough day, or you're really struggling with whatever' that is actually the best way that we can then get them to do that for somebody else later on."If difficult emotions seem to be having a tangible negative impact on a young person's life, anxiety or depression may be a consideration, Mansoor says."Is it stopping them from doing the things they want to want to do? Is it interfering with schoolwork? Is it interfering with relationships or some of the more day-to-day things like eating and sleep?"Anxiety often presents itself in the body as a stomach ache, headaches or just not feeling well, she says, and avoidance - suddenly not wanting to do things or go places - is another common sign…Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details