Find Purpose in Your Biggest Struggles (Holly Kostrzewski)

Picture an 18-year-old walking into the office of the disability advisor at a college she'd already decided to skip, after a neuropsych test predicted she probably wouldn't succeed there, and asking: "What classes can you take with half a brain?" That's a true story, and it's how this episode on finding purpose in your biggest struggles gets going. It belongs to my guest Holly Kostrzewski, who sustained a traumatic brain injury at 18 in a car crash and had to relearn to walk, talk, and read from scratch, living back home with her parents until she was 29. Holly is an international keynote speaker, consultant, and storyteller who has since inspired over a million people across the U.S., Canada, and New Zealand, and her story doesn't stop at one flame. Fourteen years after her injury, her dad became a paraplegic and she became his caretaker. Then, after 22 years as a public servant, she lost her federal job and had to figure out who she was without the title. Out of all three came her keynote "The Junk Drawer": the idea that everybody's got a drawer of stuff they're too ashamed to show anyone, and the good stuff is hiding right there next to the junk. We get into why shame keeps that drawer shut, my yard boundary metaphor for deciding who's earned the right to your "tender bits," and why "at least it's not cancer" might be the worst thing you can say to someone in pain. If you've ever felt like less of a person because of a job, a diagnosis, or a body that doesn't work the way it used to, this one's for you. Watch this episode on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r42BxvMjnsk In this episode Why finding purpose in your biggest struggles starts with naming the flame that burned you down (Holly's "three burns" framework) The stubborn question that got Holly back into college after a neuropsych test said she probably wouldn't make it Why shame keeps your "junk drawer" shut, and what happens when you finally open it Dana's yard boundary metaphor for deciding who's earned the right to hear your "tender bits" Why "at least" comments shut down grief, and what to do instead How to tell if someone is a safe person for your hardest stuff before you hand it to them Timestamps (00:01) Welcome and introducing keynote speaker Holly Kostrzewski (01:51) The car crash at 18 and the coup-contrecoup brain injury (03:00) Relearning to walk, talk, and read, and failing therapy along the way (04:56) "What classes can you take with half a brain?" (09:31) Burn number two: her dad's fall and becoming a paraplegic (13:46) Burn number three: losing her federal job after 22 years (14:31) Building "The Junk Drawer" keynote (20:03) Why we hide our junk drawer: shame and "am I enough" (22:07) Dana's yard boundary metaphor and vetting people for your "tender bits" (26:19) The "at least" comments that shut down grief (31:14) Where to find Holly, and a plug for Mic Drop Club About Holly Kostrzewski Holly Kostrzewski is an international keynote speaker, consultant, and storyteller who has inspired over a million people across the United States, Canada, and New Zealand. A survivor of a traumatic brain injury at 18 and now caretaker to her paraplegic father, she built her signature keynote, "The Junk Drawer," around the idea that our hidden hard stuff is where real connection (and humor) actually live. Learn more at hollyspeaks.live, or follow her on Instagram. Favorite quotes "What classes can you take with half a brain?" —Holly Kostrzewski "Shame, I think, is one of the heaviest things to carry." —Holly Kostrzewski "You have to just remember you're more than any job and you're more than anything that happens to you." —Holly Kostrzewski Resources mentioned HollySpeaks.live: Holly's speaking site, home to her "Junk Drawer" keynote Holly Kostrzewski on Instagram Mic Drop Club, the women's public speaking group where Holly and Dana are both hosts Brené Brown's "empathy vs. sympathy" video, referenced by Dana Related episodes How to Reclaim Your Power from Shame: More on the shame Holly describes carrying about her brain injury, and how to loosen its grip. Victory Over Quadruple Amputation: Interview with Wendy Wallace: Another rising-from-the-ashes story about rebuilding identity after catastrophic physical loss. Boundaries - Why Can't I Set Them?: A deeper dive into the yard metaphor Dana uses here to explain who earns the right to your "tender bits." Subscribe & connect If this episode gave you something to sit with, follow Phoenix and Flame so you never miss an episode: all apps in one place, or jump straight to Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music, or YouTube. And if it moved you, leave a review; it's the easiest way to help another listener find the show. Learn more about Phoenix and Flame, connect with Dana, and listen to more episodes here. Curious where your own boundaries stand? Take my free Work Boundaries Quiz: danaskaggs.com/quiz