How to Handle Difficult Coworkers Calmly

When One Person Changes the Entire RoomI’m sure we’ve all had a coworker who makes group interactions just a little more… complicated than they need to be.As a high school teacher, I expect my students’ emotional regulation to be all over the place.It’s kind of part of the job description.But the adults?I’d like to think we’ve got a bit more control.Recently… that has been proving otherwise.The Setup: A Room Full of Very Different PeopleI’ve been attending a mandated (sorry—“offered”) class my district requires in the first few years of teaching.Same group. Same room. For three years.We know each other… enough. I wouldn’t say we are besties but you start to learn a thing or two about each other with forced interaction.In one session, we were split into groups based on being as different from each other as possible.Think:North. South. East. West.All for “diverse perspectives.”I respect the intention… but let’s be honest. It was kind of asking for friction.The Dynamic: Energy Matters More Than WordsThere was one person in my group who had something to say about everything.We’ll call them Art Teacher.And then there was someone who genuinely just wants everyone to be happy.Like… grew the principal a marigold with his students kind of energy and then put it on his desk with a poem and instructions on how to care for it.We’ll call him Science Teacher.The best vibes this one. Never met anyone more pure. Honestly, I talk about him more than a married woman should.The Moment Everything ShiftedWhile I was on the receiving end of questions about my classroom, Science Teacher asked a simple, harmless question.Completely innocent.But Art Teacher didn’t like it.What followed was a 10-minute, high-intensity debate that escalated quickly.* Art Teacher became more visibly upset* Science Teacher started apologizing… repeatedly* The energy became extremely awkwardThere were four of us:* One escalating* One apologizing* One (Spanish Teacher) trying to quietly redirect {she’s great, we love her too. VERY regulated}* And me… trying to diffuseWhat Was Actually HappeningHere’s the thing most people miss in moments like this:It wasn’t about the question the art teacher asked.Earlier that day, there had already two other interactions where Art Teacher seemed on edge. One with our professor and one with another teacher. By the time Science Teacher spoke? Art Teacher’s nervous system was already overloaded.He was just in the way of the firing squad.When someone is operating from a fight-or-flight response, their perception shifts.Their brain isn’t asking:“What’s actually happening?”It’s asking: “Am I safe?”And it reacts accordingly.In defense.The Hardest Part to WatchAfter everything settled, Science Teacher came up to me and apologized. Meekly and ashamed.He said he had been nervous that something like that might happen. That part stuck with me. It broke my heart.Because now it wasn’t just one person reacting…It was another person walking on eggshells to avoid it.So… How Do You Handle Someone Like This?Honestly? It ain’t easy.But there are a few things that matter more than anything else in these moments.1. Stick to the FactsWhen emotions rise, facts ground you.Not:* how you feel* not assumptionsJust what is actually true in the moment.This keeps the situation from spiraling further.2. Validate Without AgreeingIn this situation, it was clear Art Teacher was having a high-stress day.And when someone’s nervous system is dysregulated, their reality feels very real to them.Validation sounds like:* acknowledging stress* acknowledging frustrationNot agreeing with behavior.3. Try (Even When It’s Hard) to See Their PerspectiveThis is the hardest one.Because when someone is coming in hot, your instinct is to protect yourself.But underneath most reactions is:* stress* overwhelm* or something that has nothing to do with you4. Regulate Yourself FirstThis is everything.Because the moment you match their energy?It’s over.The situation escalates.Trust me—I wanted to meet that intensity.But instead:* I slowed down* I chose my words carefully* I redirected us back to the task* I suggested revisiting the conversation laterAnd that de-escalation matters more than being right.Remember, we are all figuring out how to be human for the first time. Lots of love, Tia This kind of situation isn’t rare—it’s happening in workplaces everywhere.If your team struggles with communication, stress, or reactive dynamics, this is exactly the work I bring into organizations through speaking and on-site experiences.I teach people how to understand their nervous system so they can communicate clearly, lead effectively, and handle pressure without blowing up the room.If that’s something your workplace needs, I’d love to connect.Thanks for reading The Regulation Revolution By Tia DeVincenzo! I love helping people feel less shitty, so if you like that too - please share! This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit tiadevincenzo.substack.com