I Can't Love You the Way You Want Me To

The phrase that was used often is, you can't love me the way I want to be loved. That's the recurring thing throughout the years. None of the voices in this series are ongoing patients of SFRL. Each episode of Where Should We Begin is a one-time counseling session.

For the purposes of maintaining confidentiality, names and some identifiable characteristics have been removed. But their voices and their stories are real. Hey, I'm Matthew Shell, comedian, writer, and floating head you may or may not have seen on your FYP. I'm starting a brand new podcast.

Wait, don't swipe away. It's called That Sounds Like a Lot. You know that feeling when you check your phone, read a few headlines, and think, that sounds like a lot. I can't do this?

Well, I can. I'm going to get into it every Friday. You can watch on YouTube or listen wherever you get your podcasts. I'm going to start by breaking down whatever insanity is happening in the world.

Then I'll sit down with a comedian or actor or writer or, honestly, anyone who responds to my DMs. This is not the place to get the news, but it is a place to feel a little bit better about it. That Sounds Like a Lot, coming May 1st, part of the Vox Media Podcast Network. Burn your five-pound weights.

I'm Robert Arson. I'm an athlete and fitness instructor, and I am telling you, unless you have been limited to lighter weights by a medical professional, they're honestly inexcusable. You need to be lifting heavy, and I'm talking especially to the women out there. F*** toned arms.

What can your body do? This week on Project Slatter, what heavy means and rules bring into your routine. Listen now. When a couple comes to see me, there's often one person who has reached out, and that person is either familiar with the process of a therapy session or is curious, at least open-minded about it.

And the other person is often someone who is sometimes more skeptical or that's not the world they live in. They've never been in any therapeutic process before, and they're showing up as an expression of love. I want you to know that I care about us, and that's why I'm here. It's not because I want to be here.

It's because I want to be with you. And this couple, they don't know where they stand. Everything is fraught. One moment, it feels like they're in, and the next moment, everything unravels.

It's a very, very shaky ground where I meet them. I think what I'm looking for, the reason why I applied in the first place, we had, you know, one of our, one of many fights, the latest, right? And I said, you know, something needs to change. Either we go to therapy and we actually truly work on this, or we just stay friends, raise the kid together, and like clear boundaries, we're not together.

Or we strictly co-parent, we're not friends. We don't talk. Those are kind of my free options. I have to tell you, I'm shocked that we are here right now because I never thought it would actually happen.

He, as usual, said, why is it always you go too far, you do too much? Why, why, why? You know? So, but I thought, the analogy I gave you, his car guy, was if you had the chance to meet with, you know, a renowned car builder, wouldn't you?

This is a chance and an opportunity to see things a different way, to get a different perspective. And I know I can tell you our problems from now until next, you know, Friday. Can I ask you something? In the midst of explaining to him why you did and why he should appreciate it, did you also tell him how much you appreciate that he's just coming along?

No. All right. Maybe that's where we start. Yeah, I am shocked and I do appreciate that you actually went along with this.

I'm very curious as to your motivation. No, no, no. We're going to do this differently. One moment.

Is it okay? Because you, you just did what you typically go to do. In this case, it's you, it could be him. You explained yourself, you justified yourself, then you told him why he should appreciate what you do.

And the piece that is missing is actually just simply, I know whatever I did. And whatever you may think about it, it really means a lot that you're here. I appreciate you actually doing this. Yeah.

You're welcome. And those are the little things that, you know, we talk about this often. Stay here. Not what happens often.

It just happens. Okay. Stay with that. I know I throw things at you all the time and I'm spinning.

And that you thought this was another spin. And I appreciate you just going with it and not saying, F you, there's no way. You're out of your mind. You're crazy.

You know, I do appreciate you just going along with my crazy for once. Yeah. You're welcome. Okay.

My first thought, and I know this is wrong, is how I don't go there. Okay. If it's not going to, if it's more of the same, if it's what you usually do, which you both actually is the one thing you steadfastly agree on, that it really doesn't work, then don't do it. Oh, okay.

You need change. How are you feeling? It's nice that, you know, the acknowledgement of me being here is a, you know, I'm trying, I'm not trying to blame you all the time for everything. You know, it's just, it's, it's nice that you see that that little thing that I did was, it's actually fighting for a relationship.

And it's, that's how I show, you know, that I love and respect you is by doing things like that, but it just never gets. It's just it. It did. It doesn't go to the net of.

Yeah. You know, and it's nice. And I frequently only see things through my lens. Like he didn't, he didn't, he didn't, he didn't.

And it's hard for me to see. Oh, he did. Because he acknowledges that I'm asking for this. And he said more to you.

He said, I'm fighting for a relationship. Oh, but I, I hear that. But my brain immediately goes to the other three thousand things that you're not. And that's, I think my acts of service and my acts of showing love and respect, you don't receive because you just think that that is like, I guess, like baseline, like that's like entry level.

Yeah. And like you're, I guess you would call it quote unquote love languages, like being blind and blind and lots of attention, attention, affection and that kind of stuff. And I'm more of a service oriented person. You know, fixing your faucets.

I get that. I get that. But I was raised, you know, those were the things that were done within a relationship that show, you know, love and respect and care for one another is when you're doing, it's just everyday mundane things that to me show the most. I don't think to take you, you know, on your $600 dinners and, you know, that kind of stuff.

To me, that's, you know, that doesn't really show anybody to do that. That's not a shared thing that you want to do. No, no, no, no, no, but I said that you're not allowed to say, but you're not allowed to say anything, but I'm doing the butt too. When people are trapped in the back and forth between blame and defensiveness and attack, when they actually acknowledge something, what they've been asking for is actually right there.

It's so difficult for us to actually stay in that moment. We instantly go to the usually, but the other times, but yesterday, but the thousands of other things I want from you that you're not doing. I think this session is a session that everybody can relate to. We've all done this and been there, some version or another.

We start by creating a different quality of listening. You both say a ton of things, but you don't listen well. And listening shapes the talking. The quality of each of your listening is what shapes the quality and the kind of talking that comes back from the other side.

My friend Paul Brody describes speaking is what enters into the bowl. It's the thing that you pour into a bowl, but listening is the shape of the bowl that actually defines where the water or where the words will land. So, said in another way, he says something, how I listen to it, interpret it, understand it, internalize it is what is important there. Essential.

And vice versa. So, before we do this loop, something that I want to clarify. You are divorced. Correct.

You were married for eight years. You divorced about a year, almost two years about a year. Okay. And now, do you want to tell the story real quick?

We can just ask if we're like, I'm together or not. I don't know what. We are together, so I do not know either. Really?

Yeah. Oh, okay. I thought we were like dating, trying to figure it out. Trying to figure it out is what confuses me.

I don't know what that means. So, my answer would be, yes, we split up for about a year. I moved with our son about 10, 15 minutes away. We stay very close.

How many are you? Right. I have two older, and then we have a son together, and the two older are now out. How old is the son that you have to get?

Okay. And gives me two. Okay. Yeah.

So, we were, you know, ups and downs. There was, of course, some animosity through the divorce proceedings. Of course, yeah. Yeah.

But at the end of the day, we were working pretty well together. Now, I have to bring it up. I started dating, I guess, last summer, and he found out about it immediately, didn't came to me, and said, you were sorry for a lot of the stuff that went on in our marriage, first time and the other. And immediately, I was like, come here, we're done.

Let's try. Immediately, like, there was, in hindsight, I'm not going to go there, but there was no question, right? On your, yeah. You said, I'm sorry, and I was like, okay.

Right. And then, like, we went right back into it, and that wasn't my intention. That was my, that was honestly my moment of letting go, and letting her move on, and finding what she needs, because in my mind, we are very different people. What do you think it said, that when you came, and you took some responsibility over some of the things that you thought were yours, that that opened her heart unequilocally?

Yeah. What did that say? I know we love each other, right? I know that 100%.

I'm not fighting against, you know, is she a bad person, or is she worthy, or anything like that. Like, it's nothing to do with that. It's just literally how we interact on a daily basis, which I'm not going to do that to myself again. And I did realize, like, when I was apologizing to her throughout the divorce, I was never at peace with myself, because of all the internal conflict within our relationship.

And when I found that peace again, I realized, like, oh, I did a lot of things that were spiteful, stubborn, that did not contribute to a smooth relationship. And I realized that, and that's what I was apologizing for. Things kind of just went from there. So, and then once we got back into it, I mean, I don't even think it was 30 days, and I started noticing, like, oh, we're right back in this cycle.

So, can I ask you? Sure. Stubborn, spiteful. What do you know about it?

In you? In me? Yeah. For a very long time, instead of trying to eradicate that from my consciousness, I relied on it to get me through a lot of hard times.

In life? In life, yes. Regardless of how? Good.

Can you tell me more about that? Yeah, I mean, that's just how I was raised. I got a very sketchy background. Give me the brief story.

Mother had me when she was 17. Probably I'm a product of rape, I'm pretty sure. You know, my biological father was a Vietnam. Obviously, we were called PTSD nowadays, druggy, alcoholic, committed suicide when my sister was born.

So, I was 18 months old. My mom met my stepfather, who, great man, you know, but again, blue-collar, Irish, you know, for lack of a better term, white trash, you know, like very, you know, dock workers and that kind of stuff. So, we were raised in that environment, like her gang, you know. Father moved us out to a small suburban town and, you know, we just paycheck to paycheck.

He was always working. My mother kind of had her problems, you know, with addiction and just coping with her past life, you know, and we just grew up, you know, kind of yelling and fighting and very loud. It just was how I was raised. Some of it was a gift.

Some of it left me with bad coping mechanisms and traits and, you know, that kind of stuff. I never went to college. I fought my way into the corporate world. Did very well for myself, you know, opened up my own business.

I never would be able to do those things if I wasn't raised how I was raised with that stubbornness, that fighting every day for, you know, what you want. It's my past. I can't do nothing about it. You know, it is what it is.

Except that it's not your past. It's my present and future, too. I get it. When you look back at a kid who was in a rather chaotic environment and who needed to have a clear sense of what the hell is going on here.

Right. How old is he? Ooh, five through 20. Did you pick one moment?

Um, eight or nine. Eight or nine. Eight or nine, there was a pretty big incident. Yeah.

That happened. Where is he? Tell me what you said. Oh, so he was, um, my dad came home pretty tuned up one night and, uh, my mom always had a problem with his drinking because of her past alcoholism ran rampant through family.

So she was trying to deal with that, clean up, get away from that herself stage so, like, my dad wouldn't even be able to have one or two beers. And when it did, it was a problem. She would dig at him, you know, push him, push him, push him, push him. And, uh, she pushed him way too far one night.

And, uh, it's okay. You just saw it. I watched, you know, he didn't hit her, but he definitely, you know, threw her on the bed and he had like a nervous breakdown. And it was just like, you know, his voice went out like 10 octaves, sounded like a woman, you know, just, why are you doing this to me?

And, you know, and at the time, like, I, I, I didn't know what to do. So I ran out of the house and, uh, my neighbor who kind of raised me, like as a second son, he was outside. So I yelled and come running over and he broke things up and he took my dad out of the house. And, you know, that was just kind of like, what the fuck moment, you know, what is going on here?

So yeah, that was kind of like, I guess would be the start of fixing. Yeah. It was rough. And my mom is a tough woman, man.

Like she's, uh, she's a tough cookie. And, um, and I argue with her and I'm making a point to argue with her. Like, so we spent to this day, we still go back and forth and, you know. Any resonance with the way you argue with your wife?

I'm loud. I'm loud. I don't scream. She comes from a very soft household.

My volume is not an indicator of my emotion. But your nine-year-old today, if he hears you yell like that or raise your voice like that, he gets upset. He gets upset. He definitely re-coils a little bit.

So when you see him, you can see you. Me? You can see the nine-year-old. The nine-year-old version of you.

And when you want to understand the effect you have on him, that scene will help you. Yeah. Yeah. Because you felt it in your nervous system just now.

Yeah. And you saw it. And you were right back there. You were not just remembering, you were reliving.

Yeah. That is true. So then tell me how the growth of these three responses, stubborn, defensive, spiteful. Tell me about them.

How did they become so important? So necessary? And what do you think you fight for? Not what you fight about.

I just fight to fight. If I see something wrong or if I think somebody's being slated, I'm going to fight. Yes, that's an easy one. But since you fight just for a separate opinion, you fight.

You fight and every conversation is life or death. Me or you. So it's not just when you see wrong or injustice. Every difference is turned into conflict.

No. Okay. No. So I honestly do value other people's opinions and I am always in for a healthy debate.

I am very open-minded to different thoughts and views when things are thoughts and views and not actual problems, I guess. If there's a problem that needs to be solved, I know that this is going to solve this problem, I will fight to get that problem solved. But in your mind, it's totally obvious that that difference of opinion is something to fight over. This was a super important moment because I actually was amplifying on what he had just said.

I fight, fight. But something in the way I worded it, he didn't recognize himself and I said any difference can be a source of conflict, even though it's exactly where they go right after. And he says, I disagree. And that was very important because it meant he feels safe enough, he trusts me enough that he can fight with me.

I don't really fight, but that he can disagree with me and hold his own. And that is so important. We have to take a brief break. Stay with us.

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Any athlete pursuing greatness knows there's a certain mentality you have to have. What people don't know is what that costs. In my podcast, Confessions of an Elite Athlete, I sit down with the best athletes in the world and explore the psychology, mindset, and unseen battles on the path to greatness. So take a seat and learn from the Confessions of an Elite Athlete on YouTube or wherever you get your podcasts.

The Philadelphia fight was a good one. That would be a great example. It's the reason why I fought this fight. This fight is what triggered it off.

That's nice. How did you come here? The Philadelphia fight, yeah. Chapter one.

All right, chapter one. I'm all ears. So we were vacationing. Don't give me the long version.

Okay, yeah. So basically, we were coming back from Quebec and we were stuck in the car together for 10 hours. And we got onto, I despise sports. I hate them.

So somebody said, Philadelphia fans have the reputation of destroying the city whether they win or not over a football game. And I was like, that's trash. That's trash to me. Chapter two.

Chapter two is hurt you. This is, so it was Super Bowl Sunday. I'm a huge Eagles fan. Family, we're all Eagles fans.

And yes, I think it's funny. And I think it's, okay, chapter three. He said, people in Philadelphia are trash. I'm a higher caliber.

They are gross. Even if you're not doing that, you're still condoning it by saying it's funny, blah, blah, blah. And I said, it doesn't bother me. I think Philadelphia is fantastic.

Culture, the food, it's a great scene. It's gritty. It's dirty. I love it.

Chapter five. And she definitely said that and I did not take it like that. What I heard was, is she started, instead of looking at the generalization that I was making, she started giving me examples of why my generalization was wrong. Which any generalization, I take it from.

It's technically wrong, right. Thank you. Now, what happens in this argument? If I lift the hood, I know squat about cars, but I'm going to try a metaphor with you.

I lift the hood and I think, what is going on here? What would you say? Why is this guy personalizing? So in my mind, I was voicing an opinion of myself and others.

It could have been, yeah, yeah, I see what you're saying. And yeah, I don't agree with that. But it wasn't that. It was, she had to try to prove my generalization wrong.

Which, it's an opinion. It's not wrong. And then she starts trying to change my opinion. And that's where I'm like, no, like I'm not.

That's how I took it. But why did you take it personally? You did too. I did.

And I fully, I told the story to my mom and she was like, are you on your mind? And she goes, just be like, cool, cool, give him the double finger and you're done. And it's funny that she says that because after the debacle happened, I was like, all right, let me change the subject. We'll move on.

And I tried breaking bread, extending the olive branch and I got, I just want to go home. At the which point, we sat in the car silent for 10 hours. Which, with the kid in the back, is now making him think like, whoa, this isn't good. And then I started thinking, of course, we're riding home in silence.

Like, damn, here we are again. Same shit from five years ago. Do I really want to repeat this cycle? Do I really want to get on this carousel and continue this?

And I've voiced my opinion about that. And then it turns into, well, then just break up with me. Just break up. I'm like, no, that's not what I'm...

This is the pattern that I see. And tell me where I'm wrong here. No, no, no, no. Don't set it up.

You're setting it up for a battle before you've even said a word. Oh, I didn't think about that. You invite each other into a boxing ring. We do.

We do. You are not nearly that different as he thinks you are. You do the same. Back and forth.

And each one of you is making the other one do more of the exact thing that you don't want them to do. You are not different. And your differences are not your problem. No.

Your differences of opinion or of taste or of background, that is not what is problematic. What's problematic that I see now just on a very short chapter one is that you escalate in no time. You personalize everything. You don't distinguish between facts or subjective opinion, experience, feelings.

It's all one and the same. You live in an antagonistic adversarial framework. And underneath that is deep feelings, deep love, deep care, deep appreciation. But boy, they don't get to see the sun very often.

Yeah. And the two of you live like two threatened people. And your boy sits in the back of the car and watches this for 10 hours. And he is looking at you.

And no matter what you decide, together or not together, lovers, not lovers, all of that, you will have to think, what do we show him? Yeah. Yeah. So, because what you show him is what you watched in your version of it.

Different story, but the nine-year-old is the nine-year-old. Right. And that nine-year-old is terrified. That nine-year-old doesn't know what to do with what's in front of him.

Yeah. Whether they are on shutdown mode and don't say a word to each other or whether they are in explosion-bounding mode. Yeah. Here was a moment where I made a choice, which was I could have continued in the exploration of the child that lives inside each of them.

That is that threatened child that feels like they have to fight for themselves all the time. But I was also thinking about the actual child that they have that is sitting for 10 hours in the car with his parents not uttering a single word. And I thought, I'm going to talk to the parents instead. I'm going to talk to the adults.

And hopefully, the adult part of them can hear me in this moment. I'm going to rally for them and with them about engaging the more mature, responsible adult part inside of them. Even though I know that I would need to help them have a different relationship with the part of them that is that child that they once were. But I'm going to part myself temporarily in this spot.

You punch at each other. Yes. I escalate. You want to come to me?

I'm going to come right back at you. And I'm going to beat you. And we're very competitive in that way. What's your line?

Nobody's going to make me what? Do anything. Every personality test I've ever taken for work, I have to be in control. I do not like people telling me or I'm going to do it my way.

Everything's fine. I'm going to figure out a way. I'm going to do it my way. My way's better.

I can figure this out. And what's the story behind that? I think I've always just been an overachiever. My parents never worried about me.

I'm fine. I'm going to get straight A's. I'm going to be in this program and that program. I'm going to do this, that, and the other.

Until a teenager, they split up. And I rebelled. Definitely rebelled. And just boys, drugs, teenage stuff, stay in school.

And then I waitress and I hustled. I had two kids young and got into the industry on the now and just used insurance sales. Corporate, very corporate environment. I have to hustle.

And I can do it. And it's not easy when I come to him with the complaints that I think most people have about their jobs. I don't want him to tell me. And instead of being open to his feedback, I get resentful because I don't need you to tell me how to fix it.

Of course I have it under control. This is me. It's under control. I get mad.

You do? I get very upset when you talk about your job. And I do because she is in the top 1% earners of the country. She makes an extremely amount of money with no college degree.

She got there because of who she is. But then when she's bitching about her job and these little menial things that piss her off, I'm just like, you are so ungrateful. You're crazy. People would kill to have your job and be where you're at right now.

Appreciate it. And that's what I'm saying. That's a recurrent one. Yeah, that's a recurrent one.

That's like a huge thing. It's just like, you know. It's any time I have a feeling. I have a feeling.

I feel scared and hurt and lonely. Your feelings aren't valid. So don't feel that way. Well, that goes back to the beginning of the conversation where she's not recognizing my acts of service as caring, loving acts.

I'm not the most affectionate person. I'm not. I'm not a PDA guy. When she had her hand on your shoulder before, did you feel it?

I did. But because of the position we're in right now and the amount of uncertainty doesn't feel genuine. It doesn't feel like she's like reaching out to comfort me or anything. I don't know how to take it.

You know, I don't know how to. That's different. Yeah. That's very different.

From it doesn't feel genuine is not the same as I'm afraid to believe in it. I'm afraid of what it means. I'm afraid to surrender to it. I'm afraid to actually accept it because it's what I so long for.

Yeah. And there's still, you know, like she's, so she's very emotional, right? She is very emotional. So in moments of emotion like this, you know, it's hard to decide if she can flip and she can be very cold, right?

So it's, what am I getting into? What is going on here? So I definitely kind of recoil and I probably actually makes more callous because I don't know how to react or what she's looking for. So you both hold each other on high alert all the time.

Oh, I'm so scared. She can go from hot to cold, but you can go from supportive to callous. Yeah. And you wonder why this doesn't feel very safe and why it becomes so impossible to trust because if I accept and trust and lean into what's happening just now, God forbid what may happen in the second after that I didn't anticipate.

So I'm just going to keep myself in the boxing ring. I'm going to avoid. He runs. I don't want to fight.

Hot, cold. I will scream. I love you. This hurt my feelings.

And then when I realized it's not happening, I'm not getting the reaction. He's not hearing me. I go internal. I shut it down.

And I'm like, well, then I do. I'm not calling you back. I'm not talking to you. And it's in my head.

And then I spin for days. days and then I'm scared. Each of them is able to describe their behavior, what they do, what happens to them. They may not necessarily connect the dots to what is actually being activated for them, but they are very insightful and honest and able to be accountable for it.

So the choice here again, I decide I'm going to emphasize the similarities. We'll emphasize what they do well because they're so mired in the mud and in what's broken and they are divorced and they have come with one question. Are we salvageable? We are in the midst of our session.

There is still so much to talk about. We need to take a brief break, so stay with us. Honest to God, like f***ing skinny. I want to be jacked.

Without context, tone and sculpt are rooted in that culture. We're inheriting a lot of nonsense that makes specifically women feel like they have to shrink in order to expand. And I'm just saying, no, let's just lift heavy s*** and take up space. That's the extension.

I'm Robin Ashland and this week on Project Swagger, I break down the strategies that helps me build confidence and feel at home in my body, especially after two babies. Listen now at Project Swagger wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Maria Sharapova and I'm hosting a new podcast called Pretty Tough. Every week I'm sitting down with trailblazing women at the top of their game to discuss ambition, work ethic, and the ups and downs that come on the path to achieving greatness.

We'll dive into their stories and get valuable insights from top executives, actors, entrepreneurs, and other individuals who have inspired me so much in my own journey. Follow Pretty Tough wherever you get your podcasts. Is the U.S.-China rivalry ultimately a race to build the future? The United States and China are the two countries that are really inventing the future.

The future is being financed by Wall Street, invented in Silicon Valley as well as Shenzhen. I'm Jake Sullivan. And I'm John Feiner. We're the hosts of The Long Game, a weekly national security podcast.

This week, author Dan Wong joins us to discuss America's lawyerly society, China's engineering state, and why derangement might be a prerequisite for superpower status. The episode's out now. Search for and follow The Long Game wherever you get your podcasts. So here's the thing I want to highlight just for a moment.

You have managed to talk about your relationship, highs and lows, mine and yours, in a very collaborative way. You've managed to talk about your dance without slipping into it. And you're able to say, I know I do this and I know I do that. So this, to me, is goal number one.

Because it doesn't matter what you're going to do. If you don't change the filter, the gutter will get more full. And you miss each other. And you're persistent.

You've done this for 10 years, Scott. It's not like you met yesterday. Let me ask you this. If each of you could pick one thing that you know, if you did it differently, the relationship would shift.

What I think would change our relationship that you would like that I would focus on, it's noticing you for you and being curious about what brought you there. What brought you to when you say a statement? Oh, where'd that come from? Oh, tell me about that.

Without preparing a dissertation on why you should consider other things and why that's not technically correct, it would be literally just being curious about where you're going and appreciating what you're saying without trying to prove you wrong. So, even when we have very different opinions, when you start off on a political rant, and I shouldn't even call them rants, I guess. Yeah, it comes out as a rant, but I'm talking myself through it. Like, I might not have the conclusion in my head right then and there.

You know, when I explain those things to you, like when I say something that you take as an offense or... Unloving. Unloving or something like that, I wish you could just take a step back and say, am I perceiving this wrong? I'm struggling to be doing right now.

Because I think that if you were to go into the court of evidence, if you were to say, here, let me present the evidence. Does this man care about this woman? And put the evidence in front. Unanimously, the answer is no.

Is it? Is it? That's my perception. Right, or can somebody look at it from the other lens and say, you know, he does this, he does this, he does this, he does this.

And they can point to things that I do to show that I do appreciate you and love you. I know that I should see what you do as love in my brain. I'd rather use it on the couch and put it with me. I'd rather be in fact, there's so many other things.

I miss you and we haven't connected in so long because you're angry. I'm not angry. I'm not angry. Again, I just.

Man? Yes. Thank you. When you talk together and look how long you do and it goes fine.

But then there is that moment where one of you says one thing the other one doesn't agree with. And of the nine things you agree with, you don't say a thing. But on the one thing that you can't see yourself reflected in, that's the one you pick up on. So that is going to create more distance.

I don't think you did this consciously, by the way. I don't think you intended this at all. So that's why I'm highlighting it for you. So what happened in my mind, what happened there was.

You wanted to reassure her that you're not mad and that she didn't. And then spill into the reasons why. That's more of the explanation. You are so mired in explaining yourself and justifying yourself and being sure it's accurate.

When in fact, if you actually said, me too. I don't know if it's true. But if it's true. I know.

If you say, I too miss us and misconnecting. You would have a whole different moment. I understand what you're saying. Okay.

Can we try it again? Yes. All right. I want those things too.

I really do. That's why I'm here. I want us to have that. I want that spark.

And breaking up again would just be like, I'm going through a whole divorce again. And I don't, you know, in my brain, I guess I think that if I keep a certain distance, it's not going to suck as much if you don't work out. And I also know that, you know, that is not helping the situation. So, you know.

Everything that I did to you before with everything that I did when we were married. It wasn't all bad. I don't want to do it. I don't want to.

The reason I'm here is I want to be able. I want you to see me differently. Not like I'm this needy, difficult person. I don't necessarily think you're a needy, difficult person.

I don't like the person I was perceived as in a relationship. I was always the bad guy. I don't want to go back there. You were the bad guy.

No, you're right. I'm agreeing with you. I'm not saying. I'm agreeing with you.

I did always demonize you. I did always say, aren't I perfect? The question I would like to ask you is, it's one thing to say nobody's going to make me, but it's another thing to ask yourself, why do I need to be perfect? Oh.

Because fundamentally, you think you're always right or misjudged. You're great from a place of, I can't make mistakes. This is why this curiosity bit is so important for you, because it puts you in a zone of not knowing for a moment, of being uncertain, of being open to the unknown, to exploring, to discovering that there's something else, rather than needing to know immediately. It's annoying.

I annoy myself with it. But that started early on. Yeah. I'm going to hold this daughter, so there's that.

And I was just the good one, the responsible one, the one that handles it. And even now, I'm the one who plans family vacations for our extended family, and pays for it, and organizes everything, and makes dinner regulations, and da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And then I get, I didn't even really get a thank you for that. I get resentful.

I do it at work, too, that I have to be perfect. Like, the expectation of the best is there. I feel it internally, all day, every day. Like, I am thinking about what I have to do next.

What is the best? How can I manipulate the situation to get what I want, to get what I think is the best thing? The word in my head says, if he would just let me do it, everything would be great. And adore you for me.

Yes, please. Please. Please. You know?

Let me do it. And then say, thank you very much for doing that. And then be really, really loving and affectionate. Anything short of that crushes you.

Oh, I feel it. I feel it. I feel very judged and unloved and feel like I'm a failure. By you or by him?

By him. Of course. The phrase that was used often is, you can't love me the way I want to be loved. That's the recurring thing throughout the years.

When I listen to her, I'm reminded of the drama of The Gifted Child. It's a book I read a long time ago by Alice Miller. It's a book that really introduced me to the concept of conditional love. It's not that you need to be perfect.

It's only as much as how perfect do I need to be before I can finally receive the love of my parent. That is the conditional love. I can only be loved if I'm pleasing, if I satisfy you, if I take care of you, if I do everything. And if I do it so perfect that you don't have to worry about me once again.

She said this now a few times. I do everything. Nobody has to worry about me. I raise myself and I am left with the whole wondering, what does it take to be loved?

And that's why she says, you can't love me the way I want to be loved. And I chose that as the title for the session. Because if we were to meet again, this is where we would go. How are you unloved?

What is it that you're wanting him to make up for? What is the rage that kicks in for you every time he misses the clue? And he, in a way, reinforces your worst belief about yourself. That no matter how perfect and accomplished and worthy and responsible you are, you still can't be loved the way you want to.

And then you find yourself a partner who keeps telling you, I love you plenty, but I do it this way. I do it with service. I do it this way. And unbeknownst to him, every time he says, but this is my love language, he's reinforcing your belief that he really cannot love you the way that you want to.

And that's one of the pain points of this relationship. So you each do things that actually make the other person respond in the way that you actually want the least. Yes. Yes.

Right? So I have to start from a place of appreciating what is done. It would change a lot. Do you think it would change a lot with how you interact with me?

Yeah. I mean, any difference is going to enact a change. But that means that each of you needs to decide, I'm going to do this. This is back to the question I asked you before.

What's one thing you would do differently? Because in effect, where you land in the gutter is that each of you feels rejected. Unappreciated and rejected. Yes.

If that's the case, you have your answer about whether you should stay together or not. On the other hand, that doesn't mean that you're going to do better with somebody else because these are skills you need to learn. You can explain them from the past and we can do a lot of insight, which that is what you would also do with a therapist. But ultimately, there needs to be a change in the way you respond.

And that means in the way you listen. Do you ever speak with your head? Do you reach out with your hands? I don't touch people.

I'm not like that. You don't touch at all? I don't really do calming, soothing. That doesn't really work for me.

Meaning? I don't need that. I don't need to be touched. I don't need to feel needed or wanted.

Or, you know, comfortable, accepted. So, I guess because I don't need it, I don't give it, which I know is probably a problem. Yeah. Does your boy need it?

What's that? Does your little boy need it? Yeah, he comes up to me a lot. Right.