I Should Be Turned On Right Now… So Why Aren't I?

Theoretically, the idea of sex sounds great. You're into them, you’re not too tired, it sounds like a fun time. But at the exact same time, your body is tensing, stalling, freezing, clamming up. This yes/no mismatch is so common, but we almost never talk about it. Instead, we generally either push through and perform, or shut down entirely. But there's a third option: learning to be honest about where your body actually is at, while also being honest about what you mentally want. In this episode, we get into what happens when your mind and body are on different pages during sex. As two women who have struggled with orgasm specifically, we unpack how the pressure to achieve orgasm (or deliver orgasm to your partner) collides with a body that has its own history — of trauma, of shame, of disassociation — and might need something completely different in order to actually feel good. Not just to orgasm, but simply to be present, connected, and alive in the experience. We also get into: - Why telling yourself "I should be turned on right now" makes it harder to get there - What it means to have desire without attachment to outcome, and why that's not the same as not caring - How to learn what yes and no actually feel like in your body, outside of sexual situations - What happens when you stop treating arousal as a prerequisite for saying yes - How to start listening to your body's signals without making them mean something is wrong with you ♥️ You can also watch this episode as a video! Find it here on YouTube. ♥️ Chapter Timestamps 0:00 — What we're talking about today: when your mind and body are on different pages about sex 1:51 — Why your body defaults to being tense, performative, unfeeling during sex 14:00 — What changes when your goal shifts from "great sex" to "staying present" 15:23 — Why telling yourself you should be turned on makes it harder to get there 18:27 — The wild, delicious world of sex that opens up when you stop focusing on orgasm 32:46 — You can actually be a fuck yes to sex without being aroused, and how to work that gap 38:03 — 'I want sex' means a thousand things, and the more specific you get, the more you'll actually get what you want 43:43 — How shame has infiltrated sex-positive spaces, making us feel like we need to learn better techniques rather than learn how to embrace our bodies 46:40 — Why and how your body signals it might need things to slow down, even when your mind is fully game 48:10 — How and why to learn what yes and no actually feel like in your body ♥️ Links: Upcoming programs: https://www.eroticreclamation.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/erotic.reclamation/ Substack: https://eroticreclamation.substack.com/ ♥️ Erotic Reclamation is where sex-positive education meets somatic, trauma-informed practice. We're Nicholette Routhier and Kari Kinkead: certified embodiment facilitators, kink priestesses, relationship coaches, and freaky guides for anyone ready to stop hiding their desire and start basking in it. Our approach goes beyond what you’ll typically find at BDSM workshops and play parties. We focus on: - Embodied exploration of claiming your desires, energetic eroticism, power play, conflict repair, and so much more - Meeting shame with tenderness, while reconnecting to your body's erotic intelligence - Trauma-informed containers that prioritize nervous system safety, transparent communication, and full-body “fuck yes” consent and boundaries - Building a healthy, integrated relationship with your sexual cravings and sexual partners - Finding the kind of pleasure your body and soul has been dreaming of, but wasn’t sure really existed… Whether you're curious about how to have better intimacy, navigating a kinky awakening, or wanting to explore even wider realms of pleasure, there's a place for you here. No experience necessary, but all experience welcome. Learn more at www.eroticreclamation.com. With love, Kari & Nicholette This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit eroticreclamation.substack.com