I was built for this moment

I was built for this momentBy the specific trials of my childhoodNow amplified as our current political landscapeA patriarchal system with an unstable individual at the helm…My dad had a diagnosis that included the onset of periodic rageThere’s no reasoning with that, no preparing for what might come nextJust a need to be ready for anything.The dynamic between my siblings was not a model of supportivenessThere was a fair amount of acrimonyBlame, annoyance, mutual frustrationWe lived together, but it was mostly an endurance game.I did not find any more warmth or safety in my school or communityAnd while I’m told I had an invisible friend named Brownie I wish I rememberedMy most pronounced friendships were with treesMy nervous system could settle within the branches or the grass beneathIn a way it could not in my home or classroom or playgroundThat sustained meI had no idea how much. I just thought I was lonely and wasn’t welcomed in many more places.I’m so grateful for the shelter the trees offered me, the safetyAnd their other gifts and lessons, tooLetting me know that the answer to social chaos, cruelty and exclusionIs attuning to the natural worldLetting ourselves be heldNoticing the infinite natural processes, stories and stillnessStepping out of the human-centric worldAnd into the bigger worldThere’s more room to breathe, to stretch, to discoverWhat’s urgent to the mindShrinks in the larger contextwhere space and light play games with reality.I remember bullies at schoolAnd teachers ignoring itOther kids enablingI thought it was bad enough they were allowed to stay at the schoolI never could understand how they actually accrued and wielded powerHow was it the cruel kids were so influential in how time was spent, resources allocated?I knew as an elementary schooler the structures were not healthyMental health tools were not exactly ubiquitous in the 1970’sHeck, they aren’t nowBut they’re so much more prevalentThings like NonViolent Communication and the Work That ReconnectsInternal Family Systems, Somatic Experiencing, EMDR, all kinds of tools and modalitiesThey meet and address real needs with real tendernessThat wasn’t the culture I grew up inThe culture I grew up in had a lot in common with what I’m seeing in the political arenaAnd I’ve noticed that life moves in cycles, but it doesn’t move in reverseSo there’s a lot about our current situationThat feels painfully familiar to me on the insideBut that doesn’t mean my life’s going backwardsIt means I can take the lessons I learned when my wound was smallerAnd apply the balm to the larger, current woundThe balm is natureWhich of course includes humansBut is much, much, much, much, much bigger than the human worldEven as we work to destroy it as part of this illness of cruelty and controlBut, I trust natureI doAnd I want to align to it, to let its wisdom be my guideAnd every minute I spendIn the garden of my own bodyIn the garden behind my houseIn the garden of eden in its many public park permutationsSomething in my nervous system restoresIn being just a little more safe, a little more heldThan inside the terrarium of human prioritiesAll of it, the trees, the ground, the sky, the cloudsMy own breathWhisper, not the solution to this chaos,But the invitation to this peace. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com