Ikigai (Attempt #500)

About 500 times in my life, I’ve started a project I thought “would be IT”“IT” was exhaustingMany lovely things happened through these effortsBut not what I was hoping for:A conduit through which I could contribute my gifts to the world and support myself doing soSomething sustainable that laid a foundation I could rely onSomething rooted in service and rising in loveSomething every self-help or entrepreneurial guru told me I could do easilyIf I just utilized their 7 point system or 12 week mastermind.During these many years of trying to find my Ikigai[I’m sorry I keep doing this to you.I was a Japanese major in college.Ikigai is “reason for being”It’s where your passion and your talentMeet the world’s need and willingness to pay money]While I learned and loved and grew and adaptedI have felt my own inadequacyAs well as significant shameFor being endowed with gifts and privilegesAnd not finding ways to utilize them to benefit others (much less support myself)That felt like a violation of some unseen contract I couldn’t quite decipher but was responsible toAnd added a lonely, bitter flavorTo an already pungent soup.This combination of longing and shameHas been sitting on my shoulder since I left college and started my first nonprofitAnd it is here, today, tooBut today I’m meeting it differently.Today I’m beginning something I don’t expect to be “It”I have hope that it could lead to something that could help me build some financial scaffoldingBut even the times I’ve thought“Wow. A lot of people could really use this. This could be big”I’ve also thought:“Lots of things can be big and aren’t. This just needs to stay true. To my nervous system, my felt sense, and reliance on and alignment to nature”That feels so much betterThan the painful hopefulness of my other 499 attemptsAnd at least 15 people told me in the last 2 weeks that I use too many big wordsMaybe all of my encouraging English teachers would be proudBut, it shows I won’t appeal to everyoneAnd try as I may to NOT use big wordsIkigai was the right word thereEven if I had to explain itSo, I’m going forth as myselfKnowing I am not for everyoneI can’t beAnd I don’t need to beYesterday, I passed out fliers at a protestAnd someone asked why i was doing itI said, because my practices really help me, and I have the time because I can’t find a jobShe said she ran a small nonprofit theater and asked me to call herMaybe that’ll be “It” - somewhere I can help art flourishI have no ideaAnd for the first time in a long timeI’m rather glad for it.I am learning to invite people into my world more directly. Thus, I have added this subscribe button :) This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit fallingtenderly.substack.com