Improving marital intimacy when overcoming pornography - The Secret to Intimacy Series: Chapter 3 of 5

The concept of validation is not a complicated one, but it is a huge part of how we show up in our lives and how we can understand how to better feel the love that we want for ourselves.   The way we seek validation will also help us understand how pornography has been playing a part in our self soothing process.  I am going to lean on Dr. David Schnarch’s book “Passionate Marriage” for the definitions of these two concepts and then we are going to talk about what they mean in the context of pornography and marriage.  Other-validated intimacy involves the expectation of acceptance, empathy, validation, or reciprocal disclosure from our partner.   Self validated intimacy relies on a person maintaining their own sense of identity and self-worth when disclosing, with no expectation of acceptance or reciprocity from their partner.  our capacity for self-validated intimacy is directly related to our level of our ability to maintain a clear sense of ourselves when our loved ones are pressuring us to conform to their views, wants, or expressed desires.  It is the tangible product of our relationship with ourself.   So, let’s talk about other-validated intimacy and how that might be keeping you from being successful in eliminating a pornography habit.  When we expect our partner to give back to us as much or more than we are giving them, we are engaging in what Dr. David Glover calls in his book, “No more Mr. Nice Guy” a covert contract.  This is our way of trying to get our partner to tell us that we are enough for them.  I used to do this all the time with foot rubs and back rubs for Darcy.  When I wanted her to reciprocate with sex or love I would do things for her to make it so she was supposed to give back to me.  I also did this with things like house work.  I would do everything so I could take off her plate any excuses she might have for saying no to me later.   I did this so she would validate me with sex.   This covert contract was about expecting something from her that she was not offering freely because she wanted to give it.  D – and when he would do this I would …. Tell your feelings about this here.  D – Give an example of how you would seek validation from me.  –  we never talk – this was a regular refrain, even when we had spent all day together the previous day.  I was seeking for Zach to tell me I was enough, accepted.  What we are doing when we seek other-validated intimacy is asking our partner to manage our sense of whether or not we are OK.   One of the reasons, that I believe men and women turn to pornography is that there is nothing we can’t ask for that won’t be given in that space.  It is almost a total free for all.  It is self-gratifying and other-validating, even when those others are not present physically, mentally, or even willingly.   This is just an idea that occurs to me, but it makes sense, at least from one position.  Pornography validates us regardless of how we feel and regardless of whether we are acting with integrity.  When we deal with real people, in real time, over real issues, we are constantly at risk of being rejected.   This is one of the central things that I believe makes pornography so appealing on a different level than just aroused by it.  Pornography never rejects us.  It never says that what we want is not available.  It never says, “I’m not comfortable doing that” or “I’m tired, can we just snuggle” or “I’m upset with the way you treated me” This is a counterfeit other-validation that is available at the tips of our fingers at all hours of the day and night.   Whereas, to be self-validated and to have self-validated intimacy,...